Post-Christmas Post (heh heh)

Ok, so my title was an unintentional play on words. I love those.

As I'm enjoying my time off for work, reading my Blog List since who-knows-how-long ago, I'm enjoying getting back into the lives of all my favorite writers. I feel like I've missed quite a lot in their lives, so I did some back-reading to catch up. It's nice to be back in their familiar lives via their writing.

Everyone seems to be summing up how the holidays went. Several spanked women have reported getting more spankings due to increased Christmas-time stress. It's very understandable, but that's not how our holidays went.

Like most of you out there, my holidays were stressful. Thankfully, that didn't really cause problems between my Dom and I. If anything, I'm more thankful to have him and the holidays really made me aware of how reliant on him I could become if I let myself.

Yes, the holidays are stressful for all of us for different reasons. Family, money, travel, packed schedules, etc. For me, they are stressful because my parents are divorced. Nine years later, they cannot seem to find a way to split the holidays in a way that makes both of them happy. They don't communicate with each other about who's doing what when, and then they both get mad and upset at the plans the other one has made, and then I invariably take sides and get upset and it causes fights between me and my father and sometimes my mother.

This year, I invited them both to my house to see the baby's first Christmas. Then I suggested my Dom, the baby, and I head to Mom's for lunch and Dad's for dinner. Everyone was agreeable to this plan and both seemed to think it was fair that neither should miss the baby's first Christmas morning. I thought I had avoided a big fight over Christmas plans for the first time.

I should have known better.

We have close family friends who live in another state. When my parents got divorced, these friends got caught in the middle. So we ended up having a huge fight about who could be with them when.

My mom planned to go have Christmas with them this weekend, Friday through Sunday. My dad also planned to go have Christmas with them.

A huge fight ensued, which was very upsetting for me as I felt caught in the middle.

My dad's side is this:

• he wants to do Christmas with the family friends AND my mom and her husband



• he says she needs to "get over" hating him after 9 years divorced



• he thinks it's not fair to ask him to miss Christmas dinner and presents with them



• he also thinks my mom is "dictating" everyone else's Christmas since she's the only person who does not want to be together and everyone else would be fine with it, so she should just suck it up and live with him and his girlfriend being there



• if we do Christmas celebrations with them separately, he says he will miss getting to see the baby open her presents from them and it is awkward to just have him exchange one gift with them, rather than watch 10 people all opening many gifts



• he thinks he should get to spend New Year's weekend with them since he has to travel there anyway to see his side of the family, who has their reunion that weekend



• he thinks it would be simpler for everyone and less awkward for our family friends if they don't have to "choose" which parent to celebrate with (my brother, my husband, the baby, and I are only there long enough to do one celebration, so that ends up being the "official" one)

My mom's side is this:

• she says my dad should not expect to spend Christmas celebrations together when they are divorced



• she hates him and being around him makes her miserable, anxious, and sick to her stomach. She says she can handle it on occasions (like sharing the baby's first Christmas morning) but not often



• she says his "get over it" attitude is belittling of her feelings and he treats her feelings as though they don't matter at all



• she says he sees these family friends more than she does and should be willing to let her have Christmas since he sees them several times more a year



• she says his presence there ruins her time with her friends, or if she decides to go away when we have our celebration, she has traveled 4 hours to spend a weekend with them and then gets forced to either put up with him for Christmas dinner or has to go sit by herself for an evening and miss time with them

Ideally the family friends would just decide and put an end to it, but they are all so passive. They tell my mom they agree with her, and then turn around and tell my dad they agree with him. They refuse to take a stand either way and just wait silently for my parents to both arrive there and fight it out between themselves.

This has been terrible for me. It makes me feel anxious and I've been having nightmares.

I try not to get in the middle of it and just let them handle it, but they NEVER DO. They just realized yesterday that they both plan to be there this weekend. Now they are both mad at each other and blaming the other one for not making plans and communicating with each other. Dad is mad at Mom for being selfish and wanting to exclude him, and she says he should just go visit his other family and leave her time with them uninterrupted.

I end up having to play the go-between. I end up relaying messages back and forth, not because they ask me to, but because if I don't bring it up, no one will. And it upsets me and makes me anxious to know this huge fight is coming, so I prefer to just talk to them myself and get it over with for my own sanity.

This season, I have had one big fight with my father when he told me my mom was "silly" for not wanting to share our family friends with him and she should "get over it" and not be upset. I started yelling at him that he can't belittle her feelings and that it's selfish of him to be willing to ruin her Christmas just so he can have his way and pretend everyone is happy and ignore the fact that it makes her anxious, sick to her stomach, and stay up feeling sick and anxious when she knows she has to be around him. He denies that it bothers her at all and just thinks she exaggerates so she can exclude him from our friends.

Then I had to deal with my mother when she flipped out that he was coming and started panicking and yelling about how he never cared about them before, why can't he just leave her alone to see her friends, and why did he never plan anything with her, and she only sees them 3 times a year and he goes down once every month or two so can't he just let her spend Christmas with them alone?! And then I was trying to explain where he's coming from and telling her it's not fair to expect him to not see them for Christmas and it almost started a fight between us. And then she went off crying and upset, which made me miserable and feel just sick.

I know I should let them be adults and handle this themselves, but the problem is they DON'T handle this and never have. Every year, we go through this same fight! And it puts me in the middle and I end up getting mad at one of them and it makes me feel anxious and start dreading going, so it affects me too.

I have suggested they just alternate holidays, every other year, so that way one of them misses the big Christmas celebration every year, but neither of them wants to miss it. And my dad says my mother is welcome so why can't she just get over it? And my mom says it isn't fair to make her miss Christmas with people when she planned this months ago with them.

It is very stressful for me.

Mostly, my Dom has tried to stay out of it because they are my parents. He has been very supportive of me and nice, holding me and giving me advice. The one thing I wish is that he would get involved so I don't have to fight both my parents' battles for them. I know he has opinions about this but he never tells them.

Last night we were having a discussion with my dad about this, and my Dom just sat there. It was so infuriating! I want him to be my knight in shining armor and I've told him several times that I hate it when he stands back and makes me deal with all the conflict. I understand he may feel reluctant to get into my family drama, but we are married now and it is our family. He is very very close to both my parents and they respect him and understand that he has a stake in these decisions too, and I think he has a right to voice his opinion. I wish he would because conflict with them stresses me out so much more than it does him, and one of the benefits of me giving up more control was supposed to be that he would deal more with conflict and handle our lives more, taking more responsibility for making sure that I am emotionally safe and happy.

So I asked him what he thought and he shrugged and said nothing. I wanted to throttle him!!!!

He is so strong and confident with conflict with me or work or his own friends. But with my family he just checks out and makes me deal with it myself. I want him to step in and protect me and help me deal with the problems as they come.

I know some husbands aren't close to their wives' families but we live in the same tiny town as them, see them all the time, and he calls them Mom and Dad. I think he is close enough to them that it would not be overstepping his bounds to get involved.

Every holiday season, I have to deal with my parents' inability to see eye to eye. They just want such different things and they seem to have no regard for what the other one wants. I believe they are both trying to be "fair" but Mom's idea of fair is that Dad go down another weekend, and Dad's idea of fair is that everyone celebrate together.

It is driving me crazy.

I would just not go but that is punishing me and my husband and our family friends, and we are not the ones whose problem this is.

I am just not sure what to do.

Ohhhh, the holidays.

d

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my readers!

I thought this photo was a beautiful depiction of the nativity.

I hope we are all grateful for the God who became Man so we could live. And to His mother, who made the sacrifice to bear him, and to His adopted father, he made the sacrifice to accept him.

This season, I hope we can avoid the stresses of travel, family, consumerism, and greed, and focus on giving, loving, and spending time with loved ones. It may be the perfect time to get right with Jesus.... since it is his birthday, after all.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Christmas Eve

Every year for Christmas Eve, my parents used to take us out to a family restaurant in the area.

It's long since closed, and I miss it, but my mom has continued the tradition of a nice family meal at an elegant restaurant.

This year, she asked if we'd like to get a sitter for the baby or take her along. I said I'd rather take her. It's her first Christmas (I've bought a ridiculous amount of cute baby dresses for the occasion; we'll have one for every party we go to!) and I want this baby I love to be part of our family tradition from the very start.

Plus, since I work, time off is so precious that I want to spend it all with her.

But as this Christmas season approaches, I'm reminded of how much our lives have changed in just one year.

A year ago, I was smoking almost every day. Now, I have a job and a child. That part of my life has forever changed, for obvious reasons.

A year ago, my brother had not moved halfway across the country. This year, my family will have our first Christmas without him.

A year ago, we lived at our crappy jobs in our beautiful home. Now, we've moved closer to my family due to my husband's job, and I'm working full-time and so is he, at two completely different jobs from what we had before.

We're in a different area, in a different home, in a completely different part of the world, much closer to my parents. This has led to a complete switch in my relationship with my parents; it's much, much better with my mother and stepfather, and actually now worse with my dad.

Our different jobs have led us to a very different schedule. We're busier and more tired. We do different work. He travels now.

But the most important difference is this.

A year ago, we were just considering having a child. We were praying about it and had decided to try for a baby on January 1st, when I would be on his work insurance. We were toying around with the idea, but still living like kids--part-time work, smoking, parties, staying up late and sleeping in.

Now, we've been through the most awesome and terrifying and trying experience a couple can go through--pregnancy and childbirth with an extra helping of new parenthood. We've learned to rely on each other and experienced ups and downs we'd never known before.

It's just amazing to me how a mere year ago this beautiful baby did not exist. She was thought of, but not seriously. And now here she is, chubby and laughing and crying with a personality of her own.

She is the most beautiful thing I know.

So much has changed in a year.

Our lives will never be the same.

Winning the Man-Hater Over

"Your mom respects me," my Dom told me a few days ago. "I can tell."

My mom, if you haven't read much of my blog, is what you would call a Strong, Independent Woman. She was more of a man than my father was when we were growing up; not only was she the nurturer and loving, emotional one, but she was the protector, the brave one, the one who would fight tooth and nail for her kids.

She is also something of a man-hater.

I don't think she means to be. But I was raised with the subtle, unspoken attitude that men are weak, men are stupid, you can't trust men to do anything, and if you want it done right, you need to rely on a woman. They need the direction of a strong woman in their life to be worth anything. Basically, men are good for cooking and cleaning and doing service around the house, but for the big things, like bills, child-rearing, getting kids fed and clothed, and protecting the family, you need to rely on a woman.

I know, it's backwards from what most people are taught.

I don't blame her for this attitude, really. My dad was sweet and helpful, but he wasn't strong or fiery. He didn't fight for their marriage; he just let it slip away slowly while he was busy watching golf on the tv. To her, he was good for doing menial chores, like cooking and dishes and laundry, but she had to be the one who stood up for her kids, planned the dates, managed the checkbooks, and made all the big decisions.

So of course she thinks most men are useless.

Therefore, she treats most men like servants. She'll boss them around ("Why don't you go help the kids with their toys? Bring me a Coke with three ice cubes, please. Did you finish cooking dinner? Good, now set the table and then you can clean the dishes") and make fun at their expense.

My Dom got tired of this. He comes from a more traditional family, where women are seen as weak and men are seen as strong.

He was not happy with my mom's attitude toward him.

He started responding with emotional jabs back when she got bossy or high-handed with him. He acted like he was the king and she was lucky to be in the room with him.

She never said anything. I was afraid she was going to start hating him.

Instead, to my amazement, the strong man-eater started seeking his approval. She would laugh at his jokes. She didn't boss him around. When she did, she added a "please." When he hugged her or laughed at her jokes, she would beam, like she'd accomplished something. She likes to joke with him over a bottle of wine.

She seems to respect him.

When we got engaged, she appalled and worried me by crying "I just didn't want you to settle!" Those words--and her seeming disapproval of my choice--haunted me.

A few days ago, I brought it up. I asked her if she thought I'd settled.

She looked surprised. "No!" she said. "I just wanted you to be sure."

Warm waves of my mother's approval washed over me. She likes him. She respects him. She doesn't think I settled.

Neither do I.

Becoming a weaker woman

"Are you making me into a weak woman?" I asked.

My Dom seemed confused. "Why would you think that?"

Why would I think that? Because now it seems like I've become used to relying on him to make every decision I don't feel like making. I can't decide between the chicken and the fish. Which one do I want, babe? I'm not sure if I'd like fries to go with that for only a dollar. Do I want fries, babe?

If I want something, I say so. And he doesn't care. But if I'm hesitating, I turn to him. Even on the smallest things.

I've noticed an alarming pattern to my answers when my parents ask me questions. "Getting a new car? I don't know if we've started looking. Ask him." Or, "Utilities high this month? I have no idea. Ask him." Or, "Are the bills paid on time? I don't know. He always takes care of that."

Last night, I noticed the pattern. I noticed this when the voice from the drive-through speakers asked me if we wanted an extra McRib for only a dollar.

McRib? I've never had one. I've heard of them; they're rather famous. They're supposed to be delicious, but I think they sound kind of gross, frankly. But should I try one because they're supposed to be so good? And is a dollar a really good deal? How much do they cost usually, anyway? Is this a real bargain that I shouldn't be passing up?

I turned to my husband, feeling slightly panicked. "Do we want the McRib?"

He didn't seem troubled by any of the decision-making angst I was.

"No thank you," he told the speaker confidently. I could only marvel at his decision-making ability.

But then I started to wonder. I looked at the last few months and yes, I've finally started leaning on him more and insisting on my way less. (Usually.) But then I started to notice that lately, I deon't make any hard decisions anymore.

"Are you making me weak?" I asked him worriedly. "Is this bad?"

"I don't think you're weak," he said. "I like making decisions. It stresses you out."

"But shouldn't I be helping you make these big decisions?" I insisted. "Like buying a new car and bills and stuff?"

"Do you want to?"

"Well," I said defensively. "I can. I am certainly capable of helping make them."

"Right," he said, unimpressed. "But do you want to?"

Well... no. Not really. But if he keeps making all the decisions for us, what if I lose my decision-making muscle? What if my decision maker gets really flabby and out of shape? What if he dies, and I'm left to care for myself and our children? Shouldn't I be in practice, knowing how to pay bills and purchase items and manage a household and make decisions? Isn't he putting our family at risk by allowing me to be the weak woman who relies on the stereotypical "strong man" for everything?

I voiced as much.

"I'm a smart, educated woman! You're not using my talents for anything."

"I do use your talents," he protested. "You're good at encouraging me, at reminding me to do things."

"That's not using my intelligence or experience," I said stubbornly.

"It's not," he agreed. "I know you're smart and capable. But I make the decisions because it doesn't bother me to. I know it stresses you out. You can make them, but it's easier for you not to."

Wow. I wasn't sure if I were grateful to him for stepping up and being a man, or worried that he was making me one of those swooning, can't-do-anything-without-a-man, wussy women that I hate.

I guess a little of both. But it seems to work for us, at least for now.

If it ain't broke...

The Fight

He says he knows me too well.

When I threaten to leave, he just waits.

I storm off. But he doesn't follow me. He doesn't seem upset that I'm leaving.

Hmm. This is not going the way that I planned.

I stall. Play with the cat. Go back inside under the pretense of getting my coat.

We fight some more. I threaten to leave again.

This time, I only make it as far as the coat closet. I linger there, waiting. He doesn't come out.

Obviously he doesn't love me at all. He doesn't even care if I leave.

And if I leave, I am not taking my phone. So take that. I will make sure he does not have a way to get hold of me.

He comes out. We fight more. I'm even more upset because it appears he does not care about if I leave or not. Does he want our day to be ruined?

(I know, it sounds so silly now.)

Finally, he tells me he knows me too well. He knew I wasn't going to leave. He knew I was bluffing. Apparently, I always threaten to leave once or twice before I get up the guts to storm out.

Hmph. He seems to have my number. Am I really that obvious? I don't care. I'm going to remain expressionless and not admit guilt.

This makes me even madder. Now I really have to leave! He's called my bluff, upped the ante. (Maybe I should play poker more often.)

I start to storm out. This time, I'm going.

Somehow, he knows it.

His hand shoots out. Grips me around the neck. Slams me back into the wall.

Tears run down my face. But I will not give in. I will not cry aloud.

"Do you like this?" he asks, not angrily. "Is this what you wanted? This is D/s. This is me telling you that you cannot go."

I do not answer. I am too stubborn. I shut my eyes, blocking him out. Tears run down my face. I think I might hate him. He has to let go of me eventually. I will leave then.

He takes my keys.

I do not utter a word of protest, but I am livid. I think quickly of a way to get around this.

He waits by the doorway for a long, long time, guarding it. I stand against the wall, eyeing him. He waits to see if I will make a break for it. I know there is no chance for me to make it with him right there, so I wait to see when he will move away.

He moves warily to the kitchen. I march to the back bedroom. Lock the door. Take that.

I remove his keys. Where do I put them? Obviously not in my pocket. Not in my coat pocket, either. Yet stuffing them in my bra or pants seems so juvenile. Even for me.

I settle on my back pocket.

I open the door. He is still in the kitchen. I walk, quickly but not running, down the hall. Make a beeline down the stairs and toward the door.

I am only halfway there when I hear him tearing behind me. Strong arms grab me. He obviously expects a fight, but I'm no fool---I can't overpower him. I do not resist as he jerks me roughly back toward the hallway.

"I knew you'd try to run," he says angrily. Hands pat my pockets. No keys.

He wraps his arms around me, half embrace and half hold. He puts his hands in my coat pockets (no keys there, either) and kisses my neck. "Why are you so angry?" he says.

Wordless, I start to walk toward the hallway, hoping he'll think I've given up.

Hands pat my back pockets.

$*#&*!

He removes the keys. Puts them into his pocket. Starts to push me up the stairs.

"I'm going, I'm going!" I grumble.
***************************************

In the end, he doesn't let me leave. He persistently asks me what's wrong. Finally, I tell him. I tell him why I am so hurt and angry. And how I am so tired that it's hard to think straight. He nods and listens. We talk it out.

Later, he says, "I'm sorry if I was too rough with you. But I couldn't let you leave."

I am a little surprised. Too rough with me? If anything, I was the one who lost my temper. He stayed fairly calm throughout.

I shake my head. "You were fine." He did the right thing. He kept me here to talk it out instead of leaving and spending pointless hours alone, in silence. He saved the weekend so we could spend the rest of it as a family.

He was a leader.

Last Night's Sex and Domination

Warning: This post is sexually explicit. If you're offended by sexual details, hit your back button. If you're under 18, go watch this video of kittens frolicking instead.

Last night I got dominated for the first time in a while. It was oh so nice. It wasn't that we hadn't wanted to do D/s (or at least on my part!). We'd been busy with a newborn, what can I say?

After giving birth, you're supposed to wait 6 weeks to have sex. Even now though, I'm still too sore down there to consider having actual sex. My Dom has been very patient and understanding, but I know it's been a while and it's hard on him.

Last night around 4 am we were up feeding the baby. Well, I was feeding the baby and he was sitting with me. We were watching more Scrubs to keep ourselves awake. I was feeling oddly cuddly and needy, which is rare for me and he loves when it happens. I kept wanting to hold his hand and tell him I'd missed him lately. We'd barely gotten to see each other the night before; he got home from work at 5:30 and my parents came over for dinner and then I went to bed, a tired mommy.

When we got into bed, we cuddled and I could tell he was hard. But this has been a more common occurence lately ;) so I just ignored it and assumed we were going to fall asleep. In fact, I was burrowing happily into my warm pillow with just that goal in mind when he leaned forward and whispered throatily in my ear, "I want you to suck my cock."

It made me shiver. It had been so long since he'd dominated me...

But I wasn't sure if this was a "Do this now" command or just a "I want this but we're going to bed so I just thought I'd let you know so you feel wanted." So I waited.

He whispered, "Do you understand?"

I'm trying to work on being more submissive, you know. Not needing to fight him every step of the way. So I chose not to fight and I just nodded. Shivered and nodded. And waited. What was he going to do?

"I want you to suck my cock," he repeated in a low voice. "You're going to come over here, and suck my cock, and act like you like it." Another pause. "Do you understand?"

I swallowed hard. Nodded again.

He whispered in my ear, "I'm going to get ready. You take off your shirt and then come over here."

A whimper of protest from me. Okay, so this was a tiny bit of a test. I didn't want to give in too easily. He likes me when I'm fiesty. *wink*

His voice was low and rough in my ear. "Do you understand?"

I nodded. Swallowed. Whispered, "Yes."

It was so nice to have this happening again. To be told what to do. To give in to the submissive feeling. To do it.

I obeyed him. I rolled over, took my shirt off, and placed it by my pillow because I knew I'd be cold later. He pulled off his pants. I lowered my head, kissed his thigh, kissed his stomach. I took him in my mouth. I was gratified to hear him moan and enjoy it more than he normally does, no doubt because it has been so long for us. I tried to remember to run my hands up and down his thighs, stoke him, and squeeze his butt, to provide extra stimulation, because I enjoy the touching aspect of sex and so I hoped he would, too.

Eventually, I stopped. "My mouth hurts," I explained. Sometimes my jaw gets sore and starts to pop at night, and that seemed to be happening now.

He could have forced me to go on, but he didn't. But he did roll me over on my back and squeeze my breasts and kiss and lick them.

My whole body tensed up.

"What's wrong?" he whispered.

I didn't answer.

"Does it hurt?"

I shuddered. "No," I explained with my eyes shut tight. "It just feels weird... because of the baby." I hadn't been touched sexually in so long. It felt strange to have my nipples sucked by someone other than our infant. For the last several weeks, she's been the only one whose mouth has been there. My breasts didn't feel sexual anymore. I was having a hard time transitioning back to "sexual touch" from "nursing, mothering" touch in my brain.

He grabbed me. Slapped me a little. It hurt. I gasped.

"I'm taking them back now," he said. "For now. Do you understand?"

It was so sexy. I could only nod. He touched me with his hands, his face, his tongue, his mouth. He roughly pushed me down onto the bed, he grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head, he was rough with me. I liked it. Even when I didn't.

And it was oh, so relaxing. I felt calm and at peace. I felt great anticipation, as I waited to see what he would do.

He commanded me forcefully to put my hands above my head. "Above your head!" he commanded again. I hastened to obey. My breath came in short gasps. I felt turned on for the first time in a long time. He used my breasts until he came.

I reached up to grab his head and hold him. He normally likes that.

"Above your head!" he repeated. I quickly obeyed. I hadn't meant to disobey him; I'd thought he was finished.

He waited to see if I'd done as he commanded. Then he relented, saying, "Now you can hug me." Being forced to wait made it seem even more special, like hugging him was a privelege I'd earned.

We held each other. We laughed and discussed how great it had been. I felt happy to have made him so happy, and relaxed because I'd been dominated.

We cleaned up and climbed back into bed. I snuggled into him as tight as I could, feeling closer to him than I had in a long time. "I just want to burrow into you!" I said. He laughed and burrowed his head into my neck. He kissed the back of my neck and briefly rubbed my back.

"I feel nice," I murmured.

"You do feel nice."

"No," I laughed, "I mean... I feel good."

He laughed and nuzzled me. "Good."

As we drifted to sleep, I murmured, "Thank you."

I thought he might already be asleep, but he answered against the back of my neck. "For what?"

"For dominating me," I whispered sleepily.

He chuckled and hugged me tighter.

"You're welcome."

Qualities of My Dom

What things does my Dom do that make him seem manly, dominating, self-assured, confident, and awe-inspiring to me?

He enjoys my pain.

He bites me in the shower, then laughs and shampoos my hair for me.

He gives me a back massage and then pulls my hair a little.

He holds me when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious.

He holds me down and wrestles me, then laughs and lets me up.

He threatens to cause a scene at church if I don't straighten up and put my head covering on.

He stands up to my mother.

He loves my mother and jokes with her and gives her hugs.

He feels defensive of me when his mother upsets me.

He reminds me to be more forgiving.

He works hard so he can provide for us and do well at his job.

He opens my car doors for me, even before he puts the baby in her seat.

He texts me to check up on me.

He punishes me when I've misbehaved.

He tells me what to do, calmly and simply.

LOL: Love Our Lurkers Day!

LOL stands for Love Our Lurkers.

This is a tradition started by Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts. I got the idea from Mick at Husbandly Touch. It’s the bloggers' day to especially invite those of you who have been reading my blog but have not commented before.

Sometimes I read people's blogs and don't comment on every post, but I do always comment on one of their posts at some point. That's because as a writer, I understand how discouraging it can get to have two or three comments on a post. Maybe hundreds of people have read it, but maybe only those two or three people. It's a bit depressing.

Even if I don't have much to say to a fellow blogger, I just try to say hello and that I liked the post, or lol, or "Yes, I identify with that!", or something. Something so the people know I'm reading and participating. Something to encourage them to keep reading.

If you’ve been lurking, would you consider leaving a comment to let me know you’re there? You don’t have to say much or anything clever. Just a "hi, I do read your blog" would be nice! If you want to remain anonymous, that is totally fine.

Hope to hear from you!

When I First Knew He Might Be Dominate

When did I first realize that my Dom might be a dominant man?

Actually, I didn't realize it consciously at first. I had never heard of BDSM or D/s or spanking relationships. But I think, now that I know those lifestyles and have had years to explore this side of myself, that I can look back at past boyfriends and see who had those qualities and who did not. Even before I understood what I wanted or even realized I wanted it, I was either drawn or repelled by some men's qualities.

At first, I was drawn to passive men because I was afraid too much conflict would make me end up divorced and unhappy like my parents. Looking back, the boys I dated were passive-aggressive and manipulative.

After a few years of that, I started avoiding the passive aggressive men and went for the "safe" passive guys. You know the type: the "nice guys." They were nice to me and good friends, but my relationships never had much spark. We spent a lot of time fighting because I couldn't respect them, and that in turn made me turn to disrespect and nagging.

Eventually, I dated a man who was the opposite of all that. He wasn't passive or passive-aggressive; he welcomed conflict and rushed right into it. I fell in love with his strength, his power, and his masculinity. Even though he was jealous and possessive, I was tired of being with men who weren't really men, and I looked at his possessiveness as proof that he loved me. Even when he was controlling, I saw it as strength. It was a welcome change from the wusses I'd experienced. However, this man had strength without controlling it. Eventually, his temper and need for control became clear for what they were. Yes, I was allowed to be the woman, I was protected and provided for and fiercely defended, but I was also treated as an inferior, yelled at, and controlled. Thankfully, I left.

Luckily, soon after that I met my future Dom and husband. I still wanted a man who was strong and masculine, but now I was wiser and knew to look for other things, like a man who could control his temper, who would protect me but not control me, or who would control me when it was for my good but not because he was insecure or unstable. I also wanted someone who could fight for me when needed, but could control his temper and not let constant fighting destroy our relationship. I wanted someone who would protect me, but also treat me with respect and value my thoughts and opinions.

Looking back, there were clues my Dom might be leaning toward D/s even before either of us knew what that term meant. He'd just gotten out of a bad relationship where there was no communication and the woman didn't respect him or share her thoughts and feelings. He decided he wanted someone more emotional and creative than she had been, but he also wanted someone who would let him lead and ultimately wanted a male-led relationship.

When did I realize he might be dominate?

When we were first dating, we had only kissed once or twice when I went to his house to visit him. When I left, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me goodbye. I liked it. :)

A few days later, I was kissing him goodbye at my car when he asked me to stay longer. I hesitated, but then said sure. Without a word, he swooped me up in his arms and ran with me to his backyard, where he pushed me down on the table and we had some more nice kissing before I went home.

When we finally started dating seriously and the kissing went from pecks to more intense, he liked to tug on my hair. It never really hurt, but to my surprise I liked it. Once, he stopped kissing me, grabbed me by the roots of my hair, held me inches from his face, and challenged me, "Why aren't you kissing me?!" I strained to reach his lips, but he held me firm by my hair and I couldn't reach him until he allowed me to. For some reason, I thought that was surprising but really sexy.

He took risks with me, too. Little things, like asking me on dates instead of expecting me to initiate things. On our second date, he filled an ice chest with my favorite ice cream toppings and surprised me with an ice-cream-sundae picnic at the park. He held my hand first and he kissed me first. He also initiated the talks about our relationship, like telling me when he wanted us to date exclusively or bringing along a book of conversation starters to one of our dates. I appreciated that he was confident enough to put himself out there and take risks in our relationship; it allowed me to be the woman and feel pursued, and showed that he was willing to initiate and lead the relationship.

Eventually, I realized that I had a guy who, although he was very nice and normal in most circumstances, would surprise me with something kind of kinky, like pulling my hair or talking dirty to me, every once in a while. When we made out, he tended to be aggressive and I tended to lie back and enjoy it. He told me later that when he pushed me up against the door, he could tell I responded to it, and felt encouraged to continue with his natural desires. He had never explored them before or really been interested in dominating a woman, but just little things like he tried with me seemed to please both of us, so he kept doing them.

Unlike me, he'd never been interested in being kinky or D/s before he met me. I'd had those desires, but without realizing what they were, since I was a teenager, but for him they were new. He was 27 and when he decided to try tiny things like pulling my hair or pushing me against a door to kiss me, he realized that he liked them and I responded to them. So he kept doing them.

Eventually, I started doing research on the internet to find out if we were some sort of freaks, and I discovered that there was an entire community who did what we did, but WAY more! I was so happy and relieved that we were normal, and that now I had more things to explore and learn, and deeper to go than I'd even realized. So I started this blog to share my journey and knowlege, and here I am today, 3 years later.

Those are the tiny clues that made me realize my then-boyfriend might be a tiny bit dominate. :)

My Submission Flows from His Dominance

Lil over at Submissive Sanctuary wrote a post on how D/s connects with love. While I like that topic, the part of her post that resonated with me was actually about how her style of submission often follows a display of dominance by her Alpha, rather than the reverse.

Here's what Lil wrote:

Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance. Being picky with submission doesn't work.
That's not what it's about. If He was how I wanted Him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all.

My Dom has sometimes complained that I treat TTWD as a fix. I've admitted before that subspace feels a lot like being high. It's a great feeling! Who wouldn't want to re-create it? In subspace, I feel more submissive, I feel more loving toward my Dom, he looks manlier and hotter to me, I respect him more, and we have great, mind-blowing sex. And I mean actually mentally mind-blowing, the kind that is not just physically feels good but deeply mental and therefore much, much more meaningful and sexual to me. So yes, of course I am like an addict chasing that high. And when I don't get it, I can get grumpy. I complain and nag. I blame him for "not dominating me enough."

At least, I used to do those things. I flatter myself that over the last couple of months I've realized this bad behavior of mine and come a long way toward fixing it. I've started submitting to him not just when I feel like it, but because it's the biblical thing to do or because he wants it. I've stopped nagging and complaining and try to verbalize my complaints in a more positive, less derogatory way. All those blogs I read on submission are not completely lost on me; I've learned from them. :)

Am I completely cured of my nagginess? No. But I have improved a lot.

Like Lil, my Dom has commented before that sometimes I want D/s the way I picture it, when I want it, and how I want it.

This is true on some level and not on another. Let me explain.

Yes, I want D/s the way I want it. Like an addict chasing her next high, I adore that feeling of subbiness that he can make me feel when he gives me rules and structure, when he is stern with me, or when he makes me follow a rule even when I complain and protest. I think it's unbearably sexy when he overpowers me, not necessarily physically but mentally and emotionally. I'm very stubborn, and when he can prove that he's more stubborn than me and his word is law, I respond by becoming more maleable and submissive. The problem is that this is my idea of submission and Dominance. His idea is a lot less based on rules and coercion and displays of strength. His style of leadership is, in his words, to "empower" others. (I'm not always sure what he means.) I think he would prefer to point me in the direction I should go, and just have me go there. To me, that is not really D/s, but I understand it's a valid but just different idea of D/s than mine.

But no, I don't always want D/s just the way I insist on it being. I find it very sexy when he does what he wants with me, if I'm in the right mood. If I'm not in the right mood, unwanted sexual advances make me feel panicky and withdrawn, and unwanted directives and command make me feel petulant and fiesty. But in the right mood, I love him having his way with me. It's sexy to be used by him for his pleasure, whether it's making him dinner or doing a chore he set up for me or letting him have his way with me.

That can be difficult for him and for me because it's hard for me to tell him which mood I'm in and it's hard for him to guess. For one, sometimes I don't always know. Sometimes I want both at once; part of me wants him to boss me around, punish me, and overpower me, and part of me yells at him that he's a jerk and he's unfair and who does he think he is, anyway? It's confusing for me, let alone him. And sometimes I do know exactly what I want but it ruins it to tell him. "Hey, could you please pretend to get mad at me for breaking this rule, and give me a long lecture, then force me over your knee and spank me and tell me what a bad girl I've been?" Nooooot sexy. I can't say, "Hey, please overpower me and force me" because then he isn't forcing me, he's doing what I want. I can't say, "Be really strict with me and punish me" because then the punishment and the strictness aren't real. I'm not interested in playing sexual "games" where he's the principal and I'm the school girl. I don't want to play games at all. I want it to be real, which means the dominance must come from him and it cannot be because I've requested it and said exactly how I want him to be. I want him to dominate me completely on his own, because he wants to use me or punish me, not because he is pretending to want to in order to make me happy.

Sometimes I test or struggle against him precisely because I want to know, Is this real? I'm not trying to create drama or conflict; I'm worried that I'll actually get what I want and before I trust it and get all happy and rejoice that he's the man I always wanted him to be, I want to make sure it's real. Is he doing this because he wants to or because he's just playing along to make me happy? And even if he wants to, is this just a fun, kinky game he's playing lightly to enjoy every few months, or does he want to increase our level of D/s to be more controlled and more strict all the time? These are things I need to know before I feel it's "safe" to let go and surrender completely.

Why I am afraid to surrender completely? Because I'm afraid of who I am when I'm that submissive. I do and say things totally unlike myself. I feel out of control, I feel high, I feel emotionally vulnerable, I feel completely his. I love that feeling, but before I give in to it I want to make sure that he is ready for that commitment, that he wants it, that he will still want it in 4 days and 5 weeks and 5 months, that he is prepared to do the work and put forth the effort to be in charge of a headstrong and fiery woman for good.

And often, it seems he starts out well, but then he gets busy at work or something... and it falls away. And he gets less consistent and less bossy and less controlling and less sexual. And then I'm left feeling hurt and vulnerable that I let myself open up to that scary part of myself, and I trusted him to control me forever, and he just used it as a short-term hobby until his life got too busy and then he went back to being more vanilla and wanting me to take care of myself.

It scares me.

And also it makes me angry and resentful because I don't get my "fix."

This is why, like Lil said in her post, I want his Dominance to come first and to inspire my submission.... not the other way around.

Do I realize he can't always be in charge of the D/s? Yes. That I have to put in work, too? That sometimes I have to give in even when I don't want to? That my submission can't always just be a reflection of his dominance? Yes.

But I wish it could.

Why are you here if you don't want to be here?

Lately I've been watching a lot of Scrubs. That show is so funny! I don't know why I never got into that much before. Some of my favorite lines:

1. Janitor: You don't think there's kids whose goal in life is to make the world sparkle?




2. Todd: dum-da-dum-dum, Shiny Scapel! dum-da-da-dum, gonna cut him up!




3. J.D.: We were so close. In college, we shared a toothbrush. Turk: I was not aware of that. J.D.: We did.

I digress.

You know in that show, the characters of Perry and Jordan? They are married, but they seem to hate each other. They are never nice to each other. They constantly belittle and insult each other. She likes to make him feel like a wuss and he likes to compare her to Satan. And I wonder, even if it's just playful banter, do couples like that even like each other? And if not, why are they together?

Most bloggers seem to really like their spouses. It's refreshing to read about women who respect and like their husbands, and husbands who seem to adore and spoil their wives. You get the sense that these two people actually like each other. Their kids are lucky to see that in their homes every day.

Some people in this lifestyle don't seem to like or love their Masters. They complain about them, call them an "asshole", or talk about how demanding and jerk-ish they are.

Sure, I get that in any relationship we have fights and times when we don't like each other as much. But if you have no respect or like for someone, why are you with him?

And what can we do to keep the like, respect, and love alive even when it's hard?

D/s or just a good husband?

A lot of what makes my Dom a "good husband" is that he takes care of me.

He takes care of real life things so that I don't have to be stressed out by them. I'm the flighty, creative, emotional one, and he's the down-to-earth one that takes care of what needs to be done. We both bring different strengths to this relationship.

I'm lucky that he takes care of me. When I was single I took care of the car and the little box and getting bills paid, but I'm airheaded and forgetful about them and frankly, they can stress me out. With him in my life, I can let him worry about the details and spend my time with my head in the clouds, or singing, or researching, or being my emotional self.

What things does my Dom take care of?

• Finances. We make the budget together and talk about big purchases, and I have my own credit card that I pay off each month, but he keeps track of most of the bills and makes sure they are paid. House, rent, mortgage, car payments, insurance, his credit card, utilities, trash, and water--he pays all of them. The only two things I'm in charge of paying are my own credit card bill and our tithe. He does this because he is less forgetful about these things and he doesn't want me to have to stress about when and where to pay things.


• Cars. He takes care of everything with our cars: he keeps them both filled with gas (aside from the rare instance I run out when he's not around) and remembers things that never occur to me, like changing the oil and getting the license plates registered.


• Litter boxes. He isn't very good at remembering to do this, but once I remind him a few times, he cleans the litter boxes and refills them. I haven't had to clean a litter box in years.


• Trash. He takes out the trash and recycling and hauls the trash bins back in once the trash has been collected.


• Mowing. Small details like how overgrown our yard is getting completely escape me. He likes mowing, so he gets the gas for the mower, pays attention to when we're becoming an embarrassment to our neighbors, and happily mows away with his iPod and his pipe.


• Putting away laundry. I'm the one who gets the laundry into the washer and through the dryer, but then it sits there. And sits there. And sits there. So once I've washed it, he folds it and puts it away, or else it sits in a clean pile for 3 to 4 weeks.


• Big decisions. We talk about big decisions, I worry myself sick over them, and then he makes them. Our last car, we talked about several options we were both okay with, and when one came open he bought it without even asking me so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Sometimes I am not happy with his decisions (like moving here a few months ago) and I get bitter and resentful, but I do appreciate it that he tries to be a leader and keep me from worrying about them by just making them for us.

When I worry that he "isn't dominating enough" or some such thing, his answer is always, "But I take care of you." This is undeniably true, but I think it's possible for a man to take care of a woman without it being D/s. Sure, it's male-led, but that doesn't necessarily also imply that he dominates me or that I submit to him. It means he's a good, nice husband for sure though!

Sex talk or no sex talk?

Some bloggers have mentioned an important topic: do we blog about sex or not? Two recent posts on this topic are by Conina ("On Why I Blog") and Grace ("Intimate Details").

The trend I've noticed is that BDSM blogs have a lot of sex details. It's heavy on what happened and how it happened. On the other hand, DD blogs often skip the intimacy. They talk about punishments and spankings and submission, but don't usually go into detail about the sex.

Of course, each blogger should only share the sexual details he or she wants to. But as a blogger, even if I'm comfortable sharing those sexual details, I have to wonder: will my sharing be offputting to some of my more conservative readers? Will I lose readers if I share too much?

Since I've also blogged about my stance against pornography in my post Porn and the Christian BDSMer, I also worry if, by sharing the dirty details, I'll just gain readers who only read my stories for the sexual titillation. I'm not sure if there's really a moral difference between erotica and porn-- isn't it possible that erotica is just written pornography? It's something I wrestle with.

On the other hand, I feel it's dishonest of me to pretend like punishments aren't erotic for me. Usually, unless I really, really hate one, they are erotic. D/s has definitely helped our sex life, giving it more of a "spark" and making me more interested in sex. This is because, through D/s, I see my husband as more masculine and strong. When we started D/s, I noticed I was much more sexually attracted to him. Suddenly it didn't matter so much what he looked like or that he'd gained 15 pounds and had lost those muscular arms I loved so much when we started dating; I wanted him because he was strong and awe-inspiring! He seemed like such a man to me.

Are there punishments that I hate? Yep. However, there are also punishments that I love. I've gotten aroused and even had orgasms just by being lectured and punished by him. I can't explain why it has that effect on me, but it does.

Still, I was sort of "in the closet" about that. I got the feeling that it was okay to talk about submission and spankings, but not coming or having my nipples pinched. It was okay to talk about crying through a punishment, but not squirting because of one. Spanking and lectures were seen as "okay punishments," but being forced to give him head or submit sexually were "not okay" punishments.

Well, I guess I'm coming out of the proverbial closet. If hearing about my sexual exploits makes my readers uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'll try not to get too hot n' heavy on the details so I don't offend anyone. I also don't want this to become a place where internet creepers come to get their rocks off on written porn. But I do want to say that sex is part of my punishment dynamic with my husband, a very big part actually, and it's silly for me to feel ashamed of that just because other bloggers keep sex and punishment completely separate. In fact, when I first read about CDD, a big part of the draw was because the stories turned me on mentally in a way I'd not felt for years. The punishment-eroticism was very appealing to me.

Besides, one of my favorite things to do with my girl friends? Talk about sex. It's a rare and precious friendship where you can just talk unashamedly with your friends about your sex lives. It's a way to get things off your chest, discuss your worries and fears, learn from other people, and share part of yourself.

I think that's a good thing to do on my blog.

Want to read more on this topic? Read Bethany's article, Spanking in Relationships, to find out what she thinks of as a mixture between sexuality and spanking in CDD and DD relationships.

Mick's Blog and My Submission

In his post Spanking Made Us Grow Up, DD blogger Mick said these astounding words:

I expected her to do it on her own without my insistence. I didn’t want to
force her to take part in our marriage. I wanted her to be willing enough to do
it on her own. If she didn’t do it on her own, that meant she didn’t really love
me.


I resented this for a lot of years.


I stopped being
angry when I realized she was doing the best she could.


It took me a
long time to realize she really did need me to take charge. It wasn’t that she
didn’t love me; it was that she couldn’t be who she wanted to be without my
guidance.


I don’t know if she was conscious of it or not, but she
was waiting for me to step up and insist on her respect, on her learning how to
do her work, and on her trying hard to be who she was meant to be.

This post really resounded with me because my husband and I struggled with the same thing. When we first started doing DD for real (a few years ago we tried it but I got scared and bailed after 3 days), it caused a lot more fights for us. He was angry because he said I was acting more childish and rebellious than ever. I was angry because he wasn't forcing me to submit or demanding my respect.

I'd never thought about what Mick said, which is that maybe sometimes we women truly want to do great things in our lives, but we need guidance and leadership to get us there.

Oh, I can take care of myself. I did it for years without my husband when I was single. I had a job and apartment, my bills were paid, and my life was good. I didn't sit at home waiting for a man to come rescue me.

But it's just so much easier when a man is there to help me along the road. I can give some of the responsibility to him. It's a big sigh of relief to not feel my entire spiritual, emotional, and physical wellbeing is completely on my tired shoulders.

On the other hand, it was a lot more work for him. He felt like he had to be in charge of when I ate, how healthy I was, and how submissive I was. He said it was like having a child. Why couldn't I just be responsible for reading my Bible myself, he wanted to know? Why can't you just make sure you eat regularly and healthy on your own?

Well, my answer to that was: Biblically, it's not my job!

Sure, I can help, but the ultimate responsibility is his.

On the other hand, the same biblical passage says I am to submit "in everything."

Ouch.

So then it's my job to do everything right, and his to make sure it's done right.

It was a tall order for both of us.

We're still figuring it out, actually. :)

Labels: Am I DD or D/s?

Labels are good because they help us define what we are and what we are not.

But sometimes we get carried away with labels.

For instance, on this blog, should I call my husband my Dom or my HoH? Or even my Master or my Daddy? Some of these labels are ones that those in the BDSM scene will identify with and some are used more by those in DD, although I do see some crossover.

All four terms could apply to him at different times in our relationship. So I generally just call him my Dom, because that's what I started calling him when I started this blog.

Of course, when I started this blog I thought we were into BDSM. Now online BDSM forums have led me to discover that we are actually more similar to CDD or Taken in Hand.

I try to keep one foot in both communities.

No, you won't find me at a munch or wearing a black leather bustier at a local dungeon. On the other hand, most of my punishments aren't OTK and I don't have a list of rules like many DD couples do.

As this post aptly pointed out, BDSM and CDD and DD and Taken in Hand don't have to be seen as completely separate lifestyles. There is actually quite a bit of overlap.

Punishments and spanking... total power exchange... male-led relationships... there's not a huge difference between being a "Christian kinkster" and being in a "domestic discipline" relationship. They both share these common characteristics.

I worry about other people getting caught up in the labels, though. Will people from both communities judge me? Will BDSM writers dismiss my blog because I'm Christian, monogamous, and against activities like pornography, sex work, public play, homosexuality, and polyamory? These things are sometimes seen as basic parts of BDSM. On the other hand, will DD bloggers be turned off from my site because I use terms like FetLife, Dom, and nipple torture? I worry about how to straddle that line.

I wonder sometimes if my Dom and I are D/s (Dominant/submissive, which is a BDSM term) or CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline, which is a DD term). I often follow DD blogs and comment more on those kind of blogs, because I connect more with a community that is mostly married, monogamous, and often Christian. On the other hand, I hesitate to distance myself completely from BDSM because that's where my husband and I started our journey into power exchange. We actually don't use spankings that much and we still like to use bondage, punishments, and nipple torture.

Does that mean I can't be part of the DD community?

I hope not.

Other Bloggers: We're All in This Together

It's easy when I'm reading about other people's DD and D/s marriages to feel like their lives must be perfect and my marriage isn't up to par. I know it isn't true, but it's easy to romanticize other people's marriages.

For instance, Spanked Army Wife just wrote about how her husband found out she was playing in the snow when she was sick and is going to spank her for it. He texted her and made her go home right away, telling her she knew better than to play in the snow when she was already sick. And Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt has been writing lately about how she and Wonderboy are getting into newer and sexier elements of D/s and power exchange. Just in the few months I've been reading her blog, she and her husband have progressed from a couple skirting around the edges of D/s to a very confident power-exchange dynamic.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Not because I don't have my own power exchange dynamic that works for us. But of course, what my Dom and I are building together does not look like what I pictured when I first read all the stories of sexy, powerful men and meek, submissive women at Christian Domestic Discipline and Christian DD.

Every couple is different. I envy Mick his easy leadership style that comes across in his writing; I envy Stormy her husband's awesome resolve and ability to be firm, consistent, and insistent about their DD lifestyle. I envy Sara and Grant their longevity and the obvious respect they have for each other due to their years of experience in this lifestyle.

That doesn't mean I think these people don't have real marriages with real struggles. I see how Mick sometimes feels hurt by his wife, or how Stormy struggles with embracing her husband's style of discipline at times. I know Rogue Bambi and her husband are struggling with infertility and that puts a strain on their marriage. No one of us in this lifestyle has a perfect, storybook marriage. We're real people with real problems.

When I first found CDD, I thought for sure I wanted it. I romanticized the rules and regulations. I thought the stories about spankings by strong, confident Christian men were unbearably sexy. I wanted my husband to be those men overnight and gently lead me into being a submissive Christian woman.

Of course, if you've read my blog much, it didn't work that way. We had to carve our own story out of the stone, you see. You can't just take someone else's style and adopt it. You have to do the long, hard work of carving your own lifestyle out for yourselves. And the result won't look exactly like anybody else's.

I struggled a lot with issues, like my identity crisis as a feminist vs. submissive. My husband would be wonderfully strong and consistent one week and not the next. My visions of sexy spankings rarely came true; most of them time I hated them and felt angrier than ever afterward. I spent more, not less, time criticizing him for not being consistent enough. Then I got depressed and just gave up entirely. I made up rules for myself and then got depressed that he hadn't made them up for me and he wasn't enforcing them as strictly as I thought he should. He got angry that I was acting more rebellious and childish than I had before we started the power exchange.

It was hard, but it was worth it. My marriage, whether you call it D/s or DD or CDD, does not look exactly like Sara's or Kaya's or Bambi's or Stormy's or Mick's or Dauntless Vitality's or Dannah's or anyone else's. But it is similar enough to them that I enjoy reading these men and women's blogs and I feel a connection with these people, as though they are friends, maybe not in real life but in a sort of online community nonetheless.

We're friends, you see. I may not know your names or your faces, but I know something about your lives, and I connect to it. I appreciate the stories you tell and the lessons I learn from them. I want to support you and help you as best I can, by leaving supportive comments and praying for you when the need arises. I enjoy the relationships that develop in the comment boxes.

We're all in this together.

The Baby Has Arrived!

The baby has finally arrived!!!

She is healthy and beautiful, just like we prayed for. She was just over 8 pounds and is 21 inches. So far, she is a very laid back and easygoing baby, although she eats constantly! :)

No-Contact Punishments

I've been reading on FetLife about no-contact punishments.

I'm not sure I agree with that idea, and I'll tell you why.

A no-contact punishment is when a Dom decides that, for whatever reason, he (or she) will basically disappear from the sub's life as a consequence for bad behavior. For a set amount of days, there is no seeing each other, no phone calls, no emails, no texts, and no online chatting.

I'm sure it's an effective punishment. I can't really imagine anything worse than being completely ignored by the person you most love and trust in the world.

But I'm not sure it's healthy or productive.

To me, no-contact punishments smack of abusive behaviors, a type of silent treatment. The silent treatment, according to Dove Christian Counseling and Abuse 101, is still emotional abuse. Abuse 101 says:

The silent treatment...is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment
used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and
completely absent from the abuser's thoughts. It is used as a form of
non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if
they don't physically harm you then they are not abusers.

My Dom has never used this with me, and he really couldn't because we live together. No-contact punishments wouldn't really work for married couples because we're forced to see each other and at least be in the same house. Still, I know married couples who use the silent treatment (I used to and am still sometimes guilty of it) and it is abusive. Ignoring someone is the opposite of trying to live in peace and find reconciliation.

No-contact punishments, to me, are unhealthy ways to deal with a problem. Sure, it punishes the sub, but it also makes her feel ignored, unimportant, and makes her wallow in guilt. That can't be healthy for her psyche or the relationship.

No funishment for me

I like the term "funishment."

This is a deragotory term some Doms and Masters in the blogging community use to refer to punishment that the sub actually finds sexy, fun, or pleasurable in some way.

Well, what can I say? Funishment is fun! I'd much rather have a sexy, erotic spanking than a not-sexy, not-erotic spanking. I don't like the spanking or the pain associated with spanking, but at least if I get something emotionally fulfilling (like subspace) or physically fulfilling (like sexual tension) out of the deal, I feel happier about the experience as a whole.

So several weeks ago I did something bad. I honestly can't even remember what it was--- I normally have a really good memory, so blame my pregnant brain. I think it was something to do with church; I remembered the head covering but didn't say anything or go get it to prove that he had, indeed, forgotten again, or something like that. We've been going around and around about that headcovering thing lately, actually. Once or twice I remembered and told him; he then claimed he would have remembered (HA!) and I sulked the rest of church... a few times I remembered and purposefuly did not mention it to prove that he would not remember it without being reminded (he didn't), once he had to threaten to make a big scene in church before I would put it on, and once we had a fight before church and I refused to speak or participate or sing for the first half hour of the service (mature, I know). So it was probably one of those times.

I don't even know why I make such a big deal about the headcovering thing. It doesn't even bother me, and I want to be more biblical in my life. I think it's more because this is an area I test him in, because I think he will forget and/or not enforce it if I don't take the lead on it, and I hate taking the lead on things.

But I digress.

Part of me (okay, most of me) was hoping he would do something sexy for my punishment, which he had done a lot of in the last few months. Not only does that make me feel actually more remorseful (it's easier to feel sad for hurting someone when you're feeling attracted to them and not spitting mad at them!) but it makes me feel more submissive and that lasts for several hours or days afterward. It's a really nice feeling.

And he came up with the most boring, un-sexy punishment EVER!!! I was horrified.

One, I have to wear the headcovering with my mother at church.

I was HORRIFIED. I am terrified my mother will find out about our male-led relationship and judge me for it. I've written before about how my mother the uber-feminist haunts my dreams as I question who I am in this submissive lifestyle. Although my mom lives in the same town as we do, we often go to church at different times, and in the past he had graciously allowed me to not wear the headcovering when she was with us because he knew it made me feel anxious and I worried nonstop about what she would think and what I would say if she asked why I was doing it. But now he wanted me to wear it once with her there, just to teach me a lesson!

Two, I have to volunteer to sing at church.

Ugh. I sing at church, and I'm a good singer, but I do not like to get up there in front of all those people and sing. I prefer to sit quietly with my family in the pews. I generally only consent to sing when one of the normal cantors is sick or gone and they ask me to as a favor. So he thought it would be good for me to volunteer my talents as a lesson.

Ugh, ugh, double ugh! Two things I hate: wearing that conspicuous headcovering in front of my mother, and singing in public!!!!! I whined a lot. Why couldn't he just torture my nipples or something sexy????

Nope, he said. He wasn't going to do some fun punishment for me to get off on the idea of it. This was real.

I sulked for a couple of weeks. He totally forgot about the punishment. (ha!)

I mentioned it once to see if I still had to. Yes, he said.

I was quiet as a mouse on the subject for a few more weeks.

Last Sunday, as we headed to church, I got a text from my mom. "R u coming?"

"I guess she's there today," I said. I texted her back and said we were on our way. My Dom said quietly, "I guess this is a good time to wear that headcovering then."

I looked at him in horror, and I asked several times if he would please let me off the hook since it was so long ago and neither of us remember exactly what I did, but he said no and I didn't really push it. I wore the scarf. My mother had to have noticed, but she did not mention it or ask me about it. She acted like she didn't see it. Maybe she chalks it up to us being "crazy conservatives" or something like that, who knows?

I'm still balking on volunteering to sing. But I know he's probably going to make me do it soon. Because he mentioned it again this week.

Sigh.

"Funishment" was so much more fun.

The Good that Came from my D/s

At first, my Dom and I were doing D/s because we liked it.

Mostly, because I liked the sound of the lifestyle and wanted something similar to what I read about. I was afraid of it and drawn to it at the same time. But in the end, we did it "just because." Because we wanted to. Because we liked it. Because it was one way we could fulfill Ephesians 5. Because he wanted a male-led relationship and I wanted to be conquered.

But this month, it has been proved to me that maybe we needed D/s. When a crisis happened, we already had the framework in place for him to lead me and for me to follow.

What crisis?

I've mentioned before that I've struggled with anxiety and depression in my past. Generally, these days it's managable and I know the symptoms and coping mechanisms. I also know where to go for help and what medications work for me and the many, many medications I've tried that do not work for me.

But earlier this month, I had a really bad time. My anxiety disorder reared its head without warning and made my life--and our lives--miserable.

I started having debilitating panic attacks. When I slept, it was filled with nightmares so terrible I'd wake up shivering and shaking for the next 2 hours. The nightmares got so horrible that I started being afraid to fall asleep. I started keeping myself awake. I got sleep deprived. This made me more emotional and less able to be rational about the anxiety I was having. I stopped eating. Food tasted like sawdust. I forced myself to eat, bite by painful bite, because I needed the nutrition for the baby, but I could barely make myself eat a few bites. I got so afraid of the panic attacks and nightmares I was having at night, that simply seeing the daylight turn to afternoon and then dusk made me start having panic attacks. At night, I stayed awake with the lights on and tv blaring to try to trick my brain into thinking "it's not night" and to get an hour of sleep. Still, I was only getting 1-2 hours a night. I got so sleep deprived that I got incoherent. I couldn't remember which medications I'd taken. I couldn't remember which name of a medication meant what. I can remember staring at a handful of 8 pills, not sure which ones were which, not sure if I'd taken any yet or if these were even the right ones, and asking my mother, "Are these the right pills?!!?" For a few days, I took pills only when given to me by someone else to make sure I wasn't accidentally overdosing myself. My parents, who are divorced and don't particularly like each other, both stayed over at our house for 2-3 nights. They sat in bed with me and my husband, all three of them watching helplessly and trying to console me, as I shook uncontrollably and rambled on about all the terrible things that I was terrified would happen. I had a feeling of dread racing through my body so badly that my feet cramped up and I felt sick to my stomach. My parents and husband took 3-hour shifts all night to stay up with me and hold my hand while I shook in terror or tried to sleep only to fight it off again. My husband forced me to take an Ambien and held me down in the bed while I tried to get up in my terror, until finally the drug took effect and I fell into a medication-induced sleep. My terror and panic would go away for a few hours during the afternoon, only to come back at night so badly that all I could do was pray aloud in snatches.

In other words, it was very, very bad.

When I was unable to function for a few days, D/s was not kinky or sexy or fun. It was simply the way things were. My Dom made decisions for me because I could not make them for myself. I was too scared to make decisions. I leaned on him to make every decision for me and for us, big or small. What did I want to eat? I didn't know. I didn't want anything. I would look to my Dom and he would tell the person what to bring me to eat. Should I take a pill and get some sleep? Every bone in my body screamed "No!", but it was my Dom who fed it to me anyway, me crying and begging him not to, and then pushed me down onto the bed until I finally, finally fell asleep. Are you guys staying for dinner? I felt guilty and like I should, but I didn't want to. It was my Dom who said No, I am taking her home and she's going to rest. It offended some family members who were visiting, but he did it anyway.

Should I make an appointment with a counselor? Was the baby going to die in her sleep? Am I going crazy? What should I wear? Big and small, he answered these questions for me when I was simply too stressed and exhausted to answer them myself. I didn't have the energy to deal with making decisions.

If we hadn't worked hard at implementing D/s for years before this, I couldn't have trusted him to make those decisions for me. It would have made a terrible week that much more terrible. But I've had practice giving in to him and leaning on him. I was able to let him make decisions for us in that time. I honestly believe it is (one reason at least) why God led us to D/s in the first place.

Finally, with prayer and time, I managed to get some sleep. Panic subsided into mere anxiety. I'm still anxious. I'm talking to my doctor about it, and planning to start counseling, to help me deal with it productively. Most days I feel fine. When I do feel anxious, I can handle it now. I'm going to be okay.

But I'm thankful we had D/s. So that when something bad happened, the framework was already in place for him to step up and lead our family.

How Does He Decide?!

How on earth does this man decide what he wants to be dominant about?!

I am just flabbergasted.

His ways are not my ways, and his thoughts not my thoughts, that's for sure! Sometimes it makes me laugh. Sometimes it just makes me furrow my brow.

Things that I would place in prime importance for our lives if I were the Dom, for instance, don't even make his radar. Things like keeping the house clean. Things like paying better attention in church or doing my daily Bible study. You know, umimportant things like the salvation of my eternal soul.

He doesn't really make rules about those. He does, however, make rules about my makeup.

That's right. My makeup.

Apparently he noticed in the shower that I had "goop" in my eyes from not washing my face after I'd worn mascara. He was both entranced and disgusted. Then he made a new rule.

Wash your face every day before bed.

I mean, really?!

I have good hygiene. I take showers and my face gets washed during them. In the mornings.

Now apparently that is not enough. It makes me laugh. Unless I'm tired and cranky and ready to fall into bed and he tries to make me crawl back out to get all wet and uncomfortable and rub my skin raw.

Eternal salvation? Not so much.

Goop in eyes?

Unacceptable!!

Carry Your Cross

"Take up your cross and follow me," said Jesus (Luke 9:23).

We all have different crosses to bear. Sickness, heartache, money woes, family troubles, divorce, abuse, the list goes on. We all have them.

Sometimes I feel guilty when my cross is different than someone else's. I read online about people struggling with their own crosses. These are people I don't know, but often people I still care about. I read about their lives and stories, often stories more intimate than I would even hear about my closest friends, online and I keep up with them. I chat with my Dom about them. I am interested to hear the next installment.

It makes me feel strangely guilty when my cross seems to be what someone else is longing for.

I long for my husband to be more dominating, but another woman struggles to submit to her husband's demands. I read about people whose Doms or Masters have asked for polygamy and the subs are left heartbroken and sad, while I have a Dom who is completely against any kind of emotional or physical boundary crossing of any kind. I whine and whine about how miserable I am to be pregnant, huge, aching, not sleeping, and dreading labor, while other women write posts on BabyCenter about how they long for pregnancy and struggle with infertility. I lay about the house like a beached whale, crying about how my back hurts and I'm afraid to go into labor and how miserable and sick I am. And then I feel guilty because these women would give anything to be in my shoes. I worry and worry about money but I read about those who have far less. I complain about my job but hear about those who'd trade anything for a chance to work in these hard economic times.

I've finally decided I can't feel guilty. (I still do, a little). My crosses to bear are my own. I feel bad for their crosses, and wish them well. I want these other people to be happy and their problems to be solved. I wish I could give the infertile woman her pregnancy, or the lonely woman her perfect Master, or the struggling woman a nice fat check.

We all have crosses to bear. Perhaps it helps to know that the grass is not, after all, always greener on the other side.

We'd all love to switch crosses. But luckily there is One who has already borne them all and can help us on our way. That's why I love the song Cry Out to Jesus, the part about "He'll meet you wherever you are." It's so true. I can't switch burdens with these other people, or get out from under my own, but it helps to know others are struggling, too, and we are all in this together. Even if our crosses are not exactly the same.

If the Woman Initiates...

I've been reading on Taken in Hand and Christian Domestic Discipline websites about how often women find these sites and introduce D/s or DD to their husbands.

In many cases, it's even the majority.

My question is, if the woman initiates the relationship, does that mean it isn't actually being "taken in hand"? (Or at least at first?) Isn't it more like "asking to be taken in hand"?

Is that a good or a bad thing for the relationship to start like that? Can true control be achieved if the woman is always thinking that she had to be the initiator and pursuer of this relationship? Or can true control eventually be assumed by the man?

And what if she then revokes permission or changes her mind? What then?

Just something I'm thinking about.

How Abuse Affected Me

Sometimes, my Dom is a little afraid to hurt me. To be mean to me. To demand submission when I honestly don't want to give it. Culturally charged words like rape and slavery make him cringe.

They used to make me cringe, too.

Pasts abuse made me fear giving up control. Sex was a weapon and men had the power. They could hurt you. They could use you, abandon you, lie to you. They could make you submit, promise you the world, and then tear your dreams of intimacy apart. I'd be left devestated and alone. I wasn't sure I could handle that, so I developed a fear of sex.

Not just all sex. Intimate sex. Mention intimacy and I'd shudder. I'd feel grossed out but couldn't explain why. No, thank you. Hurt me, use me, and I'll use you, but please don't try to be tender to me or look into my eyes or tell me you love me. Gross.

At the same time, I was also afraid of physical manifestations of power. I thought the male organ was gross and ugly. The penis was the enemy! I may not have said it, but I felt it. I acted like it. Because of penises, men did all sorts of awful things. I was not a fan. You might even say I was afraid of them.

Luckily, I met a few men who could control said male organs. Who seemed to actually put me first and their (or what my culture insisted was their) all-consuming need for constant sexual gratification second.

I was suspicious to say the least. Cosmo and tv and even FetLife told me all men were slaves to their sexual appetites. Magazines and tv told me that if men said they weren't looking at porn or masturbating or checking out other women, they were lying to you, simple as that. When such wholesome men came along, I thought I smelled a rat.

Eventually, I married one of those good, wholesome men. I was still pretty suspicious though. I just knew I was going to get used for sex, even if he never said it. I kept waiting for him to push me down and ravage me.

Now, I trust him a lot more. I've learned not all men are animals and I trust my Dom completely.

But sometimes it still makes him afraid to push me too far. Slavery.... consensual non-consent... rape.... coercion.... sexual submission. All these things are things we want and discuss, but he's afraid to go too far and damage me forever. Afraid because over the years I've insisted I could never want those things or trust someone enough to let them happen. Afraid because he's seen my eyes go vacant and my head go somewhere else, seen me roll over in bed shuddering and withdraw completely into myself and not talk to him, seen all the effects of abuse.

It happens less and less. But it's always a possibility. Abuse, like cancer or addiction, is something you can live with and get past, but will always be a part of who you are--- or at least who you were.

My abuse doesn't define who I am anymore. But it did shape who I was. And that affects who I am.

A survivor who is learning to trust someone who loves her very much.

Religiosity and Polygamy

I think, after my last post on Monogamy, it's important to add that there are Christian kinksters who practice polygamy.

I wouldn't say most of them, but some do.

I think monogamy is the best reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church that marriages are supposed to emulate based on Ephesians 5:21-28. But I can also distinguish between anti-biblical (goes against explicit Biblical teachings) and extra-biblical (is not specifically mentioned in the Bible).

If you want to know what God thinks about gay sex (which is not the same as struggling with same-sex attraction) or premarital sex, it's in the Bible. There's no way to avoid that. But if you're wondering what He says about abortion or polygamy, it's not specifically mentioned. We must rely on the Bible's treatment of similar topics and how God wants us to live our lives in general to find the best path in those instances.

Personally, I think there's a strong Biblical case for monogamy. Not only does it better reflect the Church's metaphorical marriage to Christ, but it was God's original plan and ideal. He warns against it for leaders of Israel in the Old Testament and leaders of the newly emerging church in the New Testament. The first recorded polygamist was not a follower of God's will and it was not a story meant to be emulated or mimicked. Most stories of polygamy, including David, Solomon, Abraham, and Jacob, told a tale of woe and strife caused by multiple wives.

But God never expressly forbid it. He allowed it for many kings and leaders, so long as the relationship was validated by marriage and not just an excuse for premarital sex with random women.

Hence, I know some kinksters who practice polygamy. Their faith seems sincere, even if I don't agree that multiple partners is the best way to reflect God's will in our lives.

I asked my Dom what he thought about polygamy. We both have degrees in religion from a secular university, so I trusted his expertise. He told me, "I think God allowed it. I don't necessarily think it's the best way."

I am inclined to agree.

Submission and Feminism

Is D/s pathololgical?

The APA used to think so. Many people still do. Culture tells us that equality is "right." Either sex wanting to be too dominate or too submissive is wrong. Pathological, even. There must be something wrong with them.

Tomio wrote about this in Submission is not Pathological. Is there a high rate of self-identified abuse victims in BDSM? Yes, but Richers et. al suggest not a statistically significant one.

My Dom sometimes is hesitant to embrace true slavery with me. Does slavery mean he doesn't care about me or love me? Does 24/7 mean my needs never get met? Does CNC (consensual nonconsent) mean he could end up raping me? What if he enjoys it? What if I am psychologically damaged by it? What if he breaks my trust and I hate him forever?

These are fears we've both had to work through, and still are. For me, it's more a fear of, "Who am I? Am I bad for liking this? What about the times I hate it? Or when I love it? What do they mean about me?" And the kicker: "Does that make me a bad feminist?" If there's one club in this culture all women are supposedly initiated into at birth and should remain loyal to until death, it's feminism. And that is often interpreted as being equal in everything. To that school of thought, liking slavery or rough sex or a strong man is a bad, bad thing. It can shake your feeling of who are you are a woman.

For male subs, I'd imagine it's just as difficult; culture tells us to be "a man" you have to be assertive and strong.

Sometimes I love submission. Sometimes I act very submissive and wake up the next morning with a feeling of self-loathing. I feel like the things I've enjoyed are bad, wrong, or disgusting. My culture's views on sex, and my fears and worries about my own desires, keep me from embracing what is probably a normal and healthy sexual expression for my husband and me.

Last week, I woke up with that self-loathing feeling. It's the one I imagine the Hollywood version of a sorority girl feels when she wakes up, hung over and naked, in the bed with a nameless and jerky frat boy from the party before. She feels cheap and admonishes herself as she takes the Walk of Shame. That's how I felt.

I crept into the bathroom, berating myself. Why did I let myself do those things? Why did I ask for them? Why did I enjoy them? Who am I?

The words I used to my husband to describe myself were not very pretty. Whorish. Slutty.

"How can it be those things?" he asked. "You don't do them with other men. You don't do them for money. It's intimacy with your husband. You're monogamous."

Logical, but I didn't feel better. I pictured a line of feminists scowling at me from the pagebooks of history, like my sexual preferences might destroy their years of hard work to get women recognized as equals in the workplace and society.

Silly, I know. But I worried.

Now I think I worried to much. Feminism is about choice. Marriage is about spousal intimacy, and no one but God and the spouses can decide what is right or wrong for them in private.

And you don't have to be a "feminist" to be a good woman. You don't have to fit into a box of what womanhood is.

You can just be yourself.

Punishment is the Antithesis of Bitterness

I was thinking the other day that punishment is sometimes a lot better than the alternative.

Sometimes in a marriage negative feelings will build up. Someone will start to get bitter, hateful, or testy. Unforgiveness and bitterness can be poison to a relationship. But it can be hard to let go and just let bygones be bygones.

I think punishment helps my Dom keep away from that. Instead of becoming bitter and withdrawn over an issue that's been bugging him, a punishment and frank talk allows us to get the air cleared between us. Instead of him being unforgiving and trying to "get even" with me, which is never healthy for a relationship and is also against the Bible, it lets him vent his frustrations in a constructive way.

I've talked before on here about how I think punishment helps me avoid bitterness and distance. But it just occurred to me how it might help him.

Normally, I am more prone to unforgiveness. In me, it leads to distance, silence, testing, and sulkiness. But in him, it leads to fights or him being cruel or unkind to me. I hate that! But a punishment lets him deal with the problem assertively and in a healthy way. He still feels like he gets to talk to me, but without falling into being unforgiving and bitter.

For both of us, I think it helps us talk things out and avoid a buildup of negative feelings. It may not be fun at the time, but for me, it's much preferable to becoming one of those silently bitter couples.