I expected her to do it on her own without my insistence. I didn’t want to
force her to take part in our marriage. I wanted her to be willing enough to do
it on her own. If she didn’t do it on her own, that meant she didn’t really love
me.
I resented this for a lot of years.
I stopped being
angry when I realized she was doing the best she could.
It took me a
long time to realize she really did need me to take charge. It wasn’t that she
didn’t love me; it was that she couldn’t be who she wanted to be without my
guidance.
I don’t know if she was conscious of it or not, but she
was waiting for me to step up and insist on her respect, on her learning how to
do her work, and on her trying hard to be who she was meant to be.
This post really resounded with me because my husband and I struggled with the same thing. When we first started doing DD for real (a few years ago we tried it but I got scared and bailed after 3 days), it caused a lot more fights for us. He was angry because he said I was acting more childish and rebellious than ever. I was angry because he wasn't forcing me to submit or demanding my respect.
I'd never thought about what Mick said, which is that maybe sometimes we women truly want to do great things in our lives, but we need guidance and leadership to get us there.
Oh, I can take care of myself. I did it for years without my husband when I was single. I had a job and apartment, my bills were paid, and my life was good. I didn't sit at home waiting for a man to come rescue me.
But it's just so much easier when a man is there to help me along the road. I can give some of the responsibility to him. It's a big sigh of relief to not feel my entire spiritual, emotional, and physical wellbeing is completely on my tired shoulders.
On the other hand, it was a lot more work for him. He felt like he had to be in charge of when I ate, how healthy I was, and how submissive I was. He said it was like having a child. Why couldn't I just be responsible for reading my Bible myself, he wanted to know? Why can't you just make sure you eat regularly and healthy on your own?
Well, my answer to that was: Biblically, it's not my job!
Sure, I can help, but the ultimate responsibility is his.
On the other hand, the same biblical passage says I am to submit "in everything."
Ouch.
So then it's my job to do everything right, and his to make sure it's done right.
It was a tall order for both of us.
We're still figuring it out, actually. :)
3 comments:
My thoughts...just because you're accountable to your husband doesn't mean that you're not still held accountable by God. For instance, if Michael put a rule in place regarding me reading my Bible then yes, he should hold me accountable if I don't do it. However, since God wants us to dwell in his word, regardless of how my husband may or may not feel about it, I'm ultimately accountable for that regardless of whether or not my husband holds me accountable for it. Yes, as head of our household it's Michael's job to lead and guide our family and he's held accountable by God for that. And I'll be held accountable not only by Michael, but also by God if I don't follow my husband's leadership and God's word. I'm not somehow absolved of my responsibilities if Michael doesn't hold me accountable for them. Ultimately we're both held accountable by God. So, to me, yes, it is your job to read your Bible yourself and to eat regularly and be healthy. There are verses in the Bible about dwelling in the word and our body being God's temple, etc. Yes, your husband should guide you and be willing to help you with the things you need help with, but are you going to stand before God one day and say that you didn't read your Bible because your husband didn't make you? Somehow I don't think so. ;)
Thanks for the reference. We're all still figuring this stuff out.
Maybe someday I'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
I think the key here might be your perception.
Yes, setting rules and doing follow up is his responsibility, but following those rules is yours. Since you are a very intelligent woman, your HoH is showing his trust in and respect for your intelligence by letting you handle the details.
If the rule is "eat healthy", you know what that means, so you obey (I tend to believe that most men don't understand what healthy eating is, so take that into account! lol). Most wives are responsible for the kitchen anyway. To him, this seems perfectly logical.
Submission is not about having a Dom master you. It's about opening up and allowing yourself to be mastered.
Easier said than done, I know.
Hugs,
Dannah
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