What Masters Look for in Subs

Since yesterday I did a post on what I look for in a dominant, it seemed only fair to do some research into what folks on the interwebs are looking for in a sub.

If I were looking for a sub, I wouldn't actually start looking for obedience or submission right away. This would overlook a lot of new or untrained subs who may not be able to exhibit those qualities yet. Looking for a "submissive personality" also presupposes that women and men with dominant, assertive personalities cannot make good subs or slaves, an attitude I completely disagree with.

What I would look for would be honesty, self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to learn. Even the most assertive person can learn to exhibit submission, if they desire it, but the willingness to learn and the ability to introspect and communicate openly have to be there.

What do actual Masters and Mistresses look for in subs?

I found a good article by Mistress Constance. She seems to suffer from the same problems a lot of new subs do on the internet: people writing her, wanting to be in a relationship with her before they really know her, talking only about BDSM. It's important to remember that in a BDSM relationship, most of you time is just going to be spent being vanilla. Things like jobs, family, kids, housework, errands, and bills don't disappear so as to kindly allow you the freedom to do nothing but lock yourself in the bedroom and play with chains and whips all day. You have find someone that has similar interests and values as you, and not just as it relates to BDSM.

Also, a sub should not be completely self-absorbed. It's great to know what you want and need from a relationship, but if you come in to a potential Dominant and can only say what you want to get out of the relationship, not what you can give to it, why would that Dom be interested in you in the first place?

I do disagree with Ms. Constance that a sub with a long list of limits is a turn off. She says:

If, instead, you have long laundry lists of limits, perhaps this isn't the
lifestyle for you. I've had novice submissives tell me that their limits were
absolutely no pain, absolutely no bondage, absolutely nothing at all in a public
setting where anyone else might ever know that they were submissive, and that,
in return for this carte blanche, they would be willing to "help out" with the
housework. Oh, and I could, if we lived far enough apart, have other
relationships. It doesn't work that way. You should know your limits, but if
you're unwilling to explore any of the darker sides of this dynamic, perhaps
this is a poor choice for you.

Personally, I think that's a bit harsh. The hypothetical sub in question sounds like a newbie to me more than a sub who just isn't cut out for BDSM. For a new sub who is just exploring new desires, there may be a lot of "limits" just as a measure of self-protection. I think as a sub learns and grows, hard limits may gradually become soft limits and then eventually not limits at all.

Raven Shadowborne also points out that necessary qualities in a sub are ability to control yourself and obedience. If you can't control yourself, your Dom will be constantly trying to keep you in line with no help from you. It takes both of you to make sure you stay within the parameters of the boundaries your Dom has set.

Attitude, understanding, and selfishness are more desirable submissive qualities listed in an article by Jack Peacock. Like I said before, even the most headstrong individual can be conquered by the right person if he or she has the right attitude about it. You have to be willing to be conquered.

Understanding is also important because Doms, Masters, HoHs, and Mistresses are not perfect. They will have off days. They will disappoint you. Your BDSM dreams will not turn out to be all that you hoped they would be when you first delved into this lifestyle. We need to be understanding that sometimes our Perfect Man or Woman will not be so perfect after all.

I don't think an exhaustive list of submissive qualities is possible, because subs vary so much in personality and style. Each Dom will want to find someone with the raw material he (or she) is looking for and then train that person to fit his standards.

The Last Defenses Are Being Taken Down

My Dom has been taking a lot more power from me lately.

Not just new rules. New training. More commands. More micro-management. More follow-through. Harsher punishments. The commands he does gives are less general, more specific, and therefore more difficult.

Apparently, he has tired of listening to me complain that he wasn't following through and he has actually listened to my complaints and done something about them (darn him!). As he told me, "I realized you blame me for a lot of what goes wrong in our relationship. If I'm going to have the responsibility, then I want the power."

I can still hear me sputtering, "B-- b-- but--!"

Oh, it's what I said I wanted, all right. But it's scary to get it.

In the last few days, he has been more demanding of me. He has taken away my glasses when I wouldn't ask for them and say please and refused to let me get Kleenex when I was flouncing toward them, all attitude and hair-flip and mouth. Sound nit-picky? That's what I said. But he didn't give in.

He has assigned me a 600-word essay on the importance of honesty in our relationship when he caught me refusing to ask for something I needed. (I was practically humming about that one... it was way better than a spanking and actually made me think hard about what kind of person lies to her husband and if I want to be that person.) He has limited the amount of time I can spend working and stressing myself out and added to my punishment when I went over. He has refused to let me flounce away or flee to the bedroom during fights. He has been patient with my mood swings and attitude adjustments and patiently asked for forgiveness when he hurt my feelings or spoke too harshly. He has asked every day if I was doing my devotional and made sure to clarify what things I am to get done when he leaves for work. Basically, he's been very consistent and clear, forgiving when I had an attitude, and insisted on getting his way.

This has been going on for a couple of days in our household. If you were a fly on the wall, here are just some of the things you'd have heard come flying out of my mouth since then:

"You can't!"

"I'm a grown woman!"

"It's my job!"

"It's my body!"

"Don't you think this is a bit nit-picky?"

"You are being a controlling jerk! This is abusive!" (His response? "You are welcome to use your safeword at any time.")

"What next? Are you going to tell me what I can and can't wear and can't eat? Am I going to have to ask to go to the bathroom?"

And in my calmer, more logical moments, "But you said you didn't want to micro-manage me. This is definitely micro-management."

Pleading, foot-stamping, flouncing, testing, wheedling, using logic, even using the Bible... not a bit of it has gotten me any traction. But oh, how freedom struggles when she is shown the door.

You'd think I'd be overjoyed at getting what I wanted, but mostly I've responded the way I respond to any change in our relationship: with anxiety. Is this going to last? Does this mean the same thing to him it does to me? Does this make me a slave? Is he going to get busy or sidetracked or forget? Is he going to disappoint me? Did I really want this in the first place? Can I really let go of all this control? Who will I be if there are no areas left in my own control?

But even I have noticed the changes in my behavior.

"You're fighting me more," he told me today. "But you're also needier. You care more about my approval. You want it. That's a good thing."

I catch myself calling him to (*grimace of self-disgust*) ask his permission about things I wouldn't have a few days ago. I catch myself telling on myself when I haven't followed his instructions instead of just keeping my mouth shut like a smart woman.

But even more telling, I see myself doing what he tells me. I wrote that 600-word essay, except by the time I wrote it, it had been increased to 700 for another minor infraction. I did that devotional, even with my eyes half-closed with sleep. I said please and thank you more. I addressed him with a meeker tone that didn't sound much like the old me.

When we started to fight, I told him why I was angry instead of closing off and refusing to talk. When I started to gather my things and flee, a stern, "Don't leave," made me put them right back down and sit there and talk it out. What could have become hours of me sulking in bed with the lights off and doors locked was reduced to mere minutes of dealing with the problem together.

I even went to him, the cause of so much angst and worry and fighting-for-my-freedom, and crawled into his lap and cried and got cuddled and held. He kissed my forehead and smoothed my hair and told me he loved me. I cried about how scary this was and I didn't like it and why did he have to want so much control? He listened and kissed my hair and held me. He explained why he thinks this will be better for me. He understands my fears and says we will talk about them in a few weeks if they haven't gone away. He says, however, that I cannot opt out of this if my objections are coming from a place of fear instead of a place of true nonconsent.

So right now, I am left feeling scared... desired... a little resentful... confused... worried... and a little bit hopeful.

Bondage Rope and Shots Scenes

The other day, my Dom used our bondage rope for a wonderfully devious purpose--to force me to do his will during the scene. Instead of tying my wrists or ankles with the rope, he looped it around my neck in a gentle knot. I was stuck.

This extra control was great for him, because with just a slight tug or pull he could force my head and body to go wherever he wanted them. He forced me to kneel before him on a pillow, tugging at the rope whenever I was too hesitant or slow for his liking. Then he forced me to give him head, even with me saying no and protesting and turning my head away, by pulling on the cord around my neck until I had no choice but to take him in my mouth. (For those new to the blog, we have a relationship of consensual non-consent and I am always allowed to use my safeword.)

I can't lie, the control was hot. Not the things we were doing, but being forced to do them. With just a soft rope around my neck and him pulling it like a leash or lead, I was at his mercy. I think we both enjoyed it.

Later, we went to a hookah bar since I'd never tried the hookah bar. Some people we knew were there, so we stayed very late, and during that time I told him "no" several times, so afterwards for my punishment he took me to a seedy bar and made me take 2 double shots of whiskey, which I don't like. I pouted and whined and promises to be better next time, but he was completely firm, and no amount of pleading, cajoling, or rationalizing worked. Finally, I took my two shots worth of punishment and we headed on home, me feeling tipsy and even more at his control. We ended the night by cuddling up in bed and falling into an exhausted sleep, but it was a very fun night out.

Today has been rather unactive. My Dom found a kitten outside that was obviously alone and hungry so we've let her in and given her food and toys. Our two kitties are very unhappy with this; one is watching her every move like a hawk and the other is hiding in the back bedroom. I'd love to keep her, but we can't keep three kitties so I will eventually put her up for adoption. She's a cute cat and very young so we hope we'll find her a good home.

Well, that's all my news for the day. I think the scene from last night was very good, so if you like any of the ideas, feel free to use them as suggestions for your own scene ideas with your sub or Dom.

Oh, and I'm on Twitter now, so if you want to follow me, go to http://twitter.com/Sexperts_!

Why Do Doms Want Weak, Spineless Subs?

Do most men want women who are naturally submissive (or weak, or softspoken, or obedient, or whatever)?

Sometimes I feel that way. Just like I sometimes get really overwhelmed by the sheer number of kinksters who are polyamorous, or not Christian, or whatever, sometimes I just feel like every Dom or Sir or Mistress or Master out there is searching for someone who is easy to control. I know it's not true, since I've seen many posts by women who don't want to be that kind of submissive (FetLife discussion, Taken in Hand articles, comments on my blog), and also a few by men who don't seem to want that kind of wife (Taken in Hand article, Slave Training guide). But far and wide, it seems like most men and women dominants want an easy pass on the work of controlling and dominating another person. (Or, at the very least, they only want to work hard at dominating when they feel like it.)

Today, my Dom and I had a very bad talk. Turns out he wants me to submit on my own, not wait for him to conquer me. I hate the idea of just submitting, since that makes any "domination" he does more of a role-playing game than a real D/s, full-time relationship. He was also very negative, blaming me for things I've already improved on weeks ago, accusing me of being the cause of 9/10 of the conflict in our relationship, and telling me no man would ever be able to dominate me. I guess, to him, my need to be dominated, coupled with my strength as a person, is too much. He prefers a more naturally submissive woman, like those mentioned in the New Testament, and he prefers to only have to go through the work of "dominating" a woman every 2 to 3 days, not all the time, and certainly not 24/7. He says if he dominates me once every few days, I should just be able to remain feeling "dominated" until another conflict comes up. To me, however, after a few hours, subspace floats away like a light alcohol buzz and I'm back to normal: equal partners. We just couldn't agree.

Well, Biblically, I don't have a leg to stand on because he's the husband, so I finally gave in (after a loooong and very unhappy discussion). Of course, I told him all the laying blame and making me feel like I'm "too much" and that no man would ever want to dominate me is not fair, and in return he says I'm not being biblically submissive and that I do all this research online but never actually submit in real life. Well, of course, I'm waiting to be dominated, but I guess neither of us is happy with the way things are.

Here are the questions we discussed, and my answers.

Aren't all subs naturally submissive?

No, but some are. Some women on Fetlife and CDD sites take pride in being "naturally submissive," as though that makes them better subs. To me, it just makes them easier subs to deal with, and they would be happy with lazier or less strong dominants. But not all subs have naturally submissive personalities! A quick look at Taken in Hand articles or Fetlife groups for submissive women will tell you that a lot of women only submit to ONE man, and only because he has proved himself to her. A writer on the Taken in Hand website put it perfectly:

First, women choose men – not the other way around. Part of that expectation is that a man be able to handle her.

It is not so much a conscious choice as a biological drive linked to survival of the species. For if a man cannot tame the beast that is within her, odds are that he will not have the courage to protect her or their children.

Second, women test. It is in their nature. They have to make sure that they have made the right choice of mate. Again, this is a self-protective mechanism.

The more unsure a woman is of male prowess, the more likely she is to test. If the man continues to fall short of her expectations, she will come to loath him. (For the rest of the article, click here.)

Do subs want all the good and none of the bad of domination?

This was my Dom's idea. He says women who want to be dominated are wanting all the good of manly domination and none of the bad. They want to be treasured, led, guided, and conquered, but they don't want him to be an asshole or domineering or selfish or a jerk about it. To my Dom, this seems unfair for the women to want. To me, it seems only natural. Of course we want strong male leadership (like God modeled in the Old Testament!) without the man being a jerk or only worrying about himself. And I think as subs, we are willing to accept that sometimes we won't be happy with a scene, that it will be about our Dom's pleasure and our pain, but still we need to be happy or have some sort of emotional need met SOMETIMES or why would we stay? But my Dom has learned to be a leader in the Army or from his alcoholic, abusive father, and that is where I think he gets a lot of his "Leaders must be assholes" idea.

Should Doms and subs create their own lifestyle or go by online resources?

I think, with the wealth of resources out there, we should learn from the kinksters who have already succeeded at living a lifestyle. There are common ideals that unite the community of kinksters, such as mutual consent, no harm, sane and safe play, etc. There are already loads of books and websites created to teach us about becoming Masters, slaves, Dommes, Mistresses, Doms, Owners, subs, Tops, or bottoms. There are websites with slave training guidelines, sample Master/slave contracts, and great discussions where we can learn more about the community. While no one site has the "right way" or "wrong way," I think it's silly and irresponsible to try to become part of a community without learning about it first. I think there is no such thing as having too much knowledge on a subject, especially one you are considering incorporating into your lifestyle full-time. You can get ideas from others, receive support, or even find an on-line mentor.

My Dom, on the other hand, thinks I've done "too much research." He thinks all my research has filled me head with unattainable ideals of submission and domination that either aren't possible, or aren't possible for him. He thinks two people should be able to decide upon a relationship style on their own, without input from strangers over the internet.

I think that's a great idea, but without other subs to tell you what your rights are, or other Mistresses to give you great punishment and control ideas, such a relationship could quickly degenerate into abusive control. I think that the old adage is true: "The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know." I think that the hours I put into researching and writing about BDSM help make me an expert in the topic, and that without the online sites, I'd have never had a clue what diversity of kink there was in the world. I think that you can never have too much knowledge.

Can you do too much online research?

In my opinion, unless you start doing so much online research that you quit doing your other duties (cleaning the house, taking showers, going to work, etc.), no. Research and knowledge are priceless. See above.

What happens if two people can't agree on what their relationship should be?

Well, if they're not already married or otherwise committed (collared, etc.), they can just leave until they find the right match for their kinky desires. Having unfulfilled needs, sexual or otherwise, can be very difficult on a relationship.

On the other hand, many people are already married or committed. In this case, if two people simply can't agree on the dynamic of their relationship, they have a few options:

1. Divorce. Biblically, this isn't permissible because you don't love them anymore or they don't meet your needs--- only if the other person has committed adultery. (See Matthew 5:27-32.)
2. Separation. No sex with anyone but your spouse, though.
3. Have a separate Master and husband. You'd actually be surprised how many women have both a loving husband and a Sir. The trick is that both parties MUST know about the other and the entire relationship must be completely honest and open with everyone involved. Otherwise, it's just cheating, and only slimeballs do that. Also, Christians are not allowed to have sex with anyone but their spouse (see Hewbrews 13:4), so having a BDSM relationship with anyone but your spouse means it can't include sex or anything sexual.
4. Quit having a BDSM relationship. One or both of you will be unhappy.
5. Decide to go with one person's version and not the other's. This means one of you will be unhappy.

Should the Bible or BDSM come first?

Well, obviously, the Bible. God comes before everything in our lives. That's why I had to admit defeat with my husband when we just couldn't agree. When it comes down to it, the Bible is clear; Ephesians 5:22-24 says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

He wants our BDSM relationship one way. I want it another way. He thinks I complain too much and never submit like a submissive should. I think he should be more consistent and conquer me more. And in the end, who was right? It doesn't matter, because he pointed out the Bible to me. And he was right. I may not want to obey him, but I do want to obey God. I don't want to put myself in the position of jeapordizing my marriage and displeasing my Creator just because I was stubborn and willful. It would be so much easier (for me) if he could do things my way, and I wish he would. And what about what all those "Biblically submissive women" books and sites that advise us wives to submit with grace and a good attitude?

Fat chance. I may be called to obey in all things, so fine. But I can't control my attitude and right now my attitude about this is nothing like the joyful, submssive attitude the church has when submitting to Christ. But I don't feel like I can control that now. And I don't really want to.

He seems to want a 100% Biblically submissive wife, to be a Biblically leading husband all the time, and to be a Dom who controls and hurts me about 50% of the time. To me, that feels fake. I feel like we're doing what the Bible says (and we should!), but that he is playing "dress-up Dom" the rest of the time. He can't control me all the time--or more accurately, doesn't want to go through the effort of doing so all the time--so he wants me to pretend to give in even when I am not conquered. Fine. I can do it, but I'll sulk and I'm mad. He left an hour ago and I didn't even talk to him. Christlike? No. But hurt and angry wife-like? You bet.

I'm sure things will get better soon, but for now..... that's all.

Submit or Be Conquered?

The statue pictured here in "The Rape of the Sabine Woman" by Giambologna. I'm no art history major, but when I first saw this sculpture in a museum in Italy, I was struck and saddened by its beauty. The scene is haunting, and the woman is both being physically overcome and yet lifted up and cherished.

That's the miracle of submission. You are overtaken and conquered, but you are elevated and loved.

A lot of women want to be submissives, but it's not naturally their personality. Maybe they have a dominating job where they are in charge of dozens of other people. Maybe they are a force to be reckoned with in their homes and in their communities. Does that mean they can never be submissive?

I have to say the answer is no, because 1 Peter 3:1 says:

Wives, be submissive to your husbands.

Even in non-Christian circles, there are many, many women who are strong, valiant, and dominating, but they want to be taken care of and conquered by a man. They don't want to have to be weak to be conquered; they want to be overcome by a man even stronger and more dominating than they are. (For a look at some non-Christian websites on male leadership and female submission that are gaining in popularity, look up Taken in Hand, The Surrendered Wife, or Domestic Discipline.)

If Paul tells all women, even the strongest and most dominanting of us, to submit to our husbands, I have to believe that it's possible. Through God, all things are possible.

How? I have no idea. You'll have to ask someone with more experience in Biblical submission. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it myself.

I don't want to submit to a weak man. I don't want to be a doormat or be treated like a child or inferior. I don't want to offer my body, mind, heart, and soul to a weak, indecisive, passive man. I believe I am worth more than that.

Instead, I long to be conquered! I want to be taken care of by someone who is a match for my strength, my tenacity, my stubborness, and even my forceful personality. I want to feel conquered, safe, dominated, and submitted.

Perhaps, instead of calling myself submissive, I should call myself conquered. That's what I want to be. What does "being conquered" entail? I'm not sure. I am easily swayed by groups on Taken in Hand and Fetlife that try to convince me a certain way is right or wrong. I'm not terribly decisive myself. Does it mean he spanks me when I misbehave, or does that make me too like a child and make me act beneath my dignity as a Christian woman beloved by my husband and Christ? Does it mean there are consequences for bad actions, or simply calm discussions? How does my husband show his power? How often do I need it displayed so I can feel safe and conquered? How much time and energy will that take away from him?

In the end, the answer to all these questions is up to my husband, with direction from the Bible and the Holy Spirit, of course. It is up to him to decide how, when, where, and how often he exercises his authority in our lives. For me, just sitting around and waiting for him to make a decision is killing me. But I am eager to be loved, to be safe and secure, to rest securely in the arms of a strong man who has conquered me yet again that he may love me even more.

To submit? Or to be conquered?

I guess I want both.

BDSM Identity Crisis... my ramblings

I'm finding myself afraid of BDSM lately.

My Dom wants to play, and part of me thinks, "Yes! Finally, yay!" and most of me shrinks back and changes the subject or pretends I didn't hear or says no.

Then I wonder why I do that, since most of the time it is me who is complaining about how he never wants to dominate me and how can I feel dominated when it is only once or twice a month?I get so mad at him for not being strong and dominating most of the time. To me, being "a Dom" for one or two evenings a month is not being a Dom at all, it is playing. And there is nothing wrong with playing! There are lots of people who don't do BDSM 24/7, but just dabble in it in the bedroom or sometimes, when it is convenient or fun. We definitely fall into that category. But to me, it doesn't feel real. It feels like playing. "Okay, you pretend to be submissive to me and I'll pretend to be strong enough to dominate you. Go!" And then at the end of the scene, we end up right back to where we were before: a strong, independent woman and a complacent, pleasing man.

There's nothing wrong with playing. But I want more! I hate feeling like our BDSM dynamic is just a pretend game we both play. I can't get into it like it's real. I pretend, and for a moment I believe, but then later I am sad again. Nearly every time I get tired or high, I feel an overwhelming need to be dominated in MOST of my life, and I resent him for only doing it every once it a while. Yet I don't want him to be a commandeering asshole. I want him to lead through quiet, unshakable strength. I want more!

Yet sometimes I don't want more. When we tried rules and structure (completely my idea), I freaked out and bailed. When we tried CDD, I was so turned on by the idea of it---a strong man leading me, protecting me, guiding me, having power over me? Hot! I wanted it. I yearned for it. But when we tried it, reality sat in and I bailed. I called it off. I was too scared. I feared he'd just disappoint me and go back to being his normal not-dominating self. This is my issue, but it scared me.

Also, he seems to think that for us to have a fulltime D/s dynamic, I need to be more submissive. On the other hand, I think he needs to be more dominant. I don't want to bow down and pretend to be weak so he can rule me. I want him to swell with power and confidence so even my strongest is not as strong as him. I don't want to dampen my power and strength, pretend to be weak and submissive, and lessen myself so I'm under him. I want to be as strong and powerful as I can be, and know that he is man enough to top even that. I want him to rise to the occasion, not me shrink to it. I want to give a man my best, my all, my everything, and have it welcomed by him and yet still undeniably beaten by him. I don't want to submit, I want him to dominate.

Sometimes I think that I am not a sub. I think he wants a sub. Someone who doesn't expect him to be Great and Powerful and Awe-Inspiring, but who sees him and thinks he is that way already, without trying to be more than he is. And that is what I want. I want More Than He Is.

Doule (a Christian kinkster on Fetlife) had a very good post, a long time ago, about how labels help us identify people we have something in common with. Sharing a label doesn't mean you will have something in common, but it means you might. There is the potential for dialogue there. Maybe you talk and find out you don't have much in common, but if you identify as "sub" and so do I, we already know we are not "slaves," not "puppies," not "Mistresses," and not "vanilla." It gives us something to explore together and assume we might have something in common. Labels are good for that very reason.... they help us define, categorize, and seek similarities.

On the other hand, labels can be very confusing. Am I a "sub"? What does that mean? Labels can lead to steroetypes and confusing identities. My idea of sub is not necessarily your idea of a sub. That is why BDSM is, and should be, so focused on communication.

Am I a sub? Maybe not. Sometimes my Dom tells me, sounding resentful and petulant, that I'm not a sub. He uses that favorite catchphrase of Doms, "You're topping from the bottom." This makes me feel resentful toward him. When he says that, I feel like he's trying to blame me for something that I feel is his fault. He thinks I should be more submissive, and I think he should just be more dominating. I'd rather expect more out of him than expect less out of me. How could you be happy in a life where one of you was constantly asked to be less than your full potential? I know he loves me and doesn't see it that way, but I do.

So then I look at labels. Maybe I'm not a sub, because I'm not naturally submissive. I'm not a slave, because I don't identify as owned (sometimes I want to, but I've never met anyone I thought could dominate me 24/7 so I felt owned). I'm not a sex slave or service-minded submissive. Maybe I'm a bottom. But no, I don't really enjoy physical pain or spanking. I only like spanking or being beaten because it means I have fought and I am beaten. I don't enjoy the pain, but I like being dominated. I enjoy being tied up, gagged, and my hair pulled for the same reason. Sometimes I love to be called bad names and slapped, and other times (like last night) it just hurts my feelings. I like to be challenged, to have a male opponent worthy of my fight, who welcomes all I have to give and laughs and defeats me utterly anyway. Does that make me, as Jake'sKajira (another FetLife friend) once wrote a blog about, long for a predator/prey dynamic? Or as some Christian websites discuss, do I want a relationship like in Christian Domestic Discipline? I'm not sure. I don't want to kneel at his feet and serve him, but I'd be willing to do it if he could defeat me utterly. I'm not a submissive, but I want to be dominated. I like to be used, but I hate being used. I long to be defeated, but I hate to lose. It's complicated, right? I know.

What is the label for someone who does not want to submit, does not want to be owned, does not want to serve, but longs to be dominated?

I love languages, and I love labels. So of course I went to the wonderful Word Reference to try and find a way to define myself, to find out what puzzle piece I am so I know where I fit into the overall puzzle. It says To dominate: tower above, to master, to overcome. To rule, to hold sway, to prevail, to stand out. Yes! I don't always want it, but I often long for it. I want stars in my eyes as I look up at a man who has completely dominated and humbled the best I have to offer. Who sees me for the strong woman I am and cherishes that quality, but who has vanquished me completely anyway.

Word Reference can maybe help me find a label for myself. Not that I need one, but I'd feel better. I'd have a word for my identity, not a badly articulated three-page blog. In English, being "the dominated" or "one who is overcome" does not make sense. But in Spanish or French, two languages near and dear to my heart, I could be la dominada or la dominée. Maybe in English I could be "prey" or "Domme who is dominated," who knows? I don't identify as a Domme, but I am completely unwilling to make myself weaker so my husband can be a "Dom." I want the best of my strength against the best of his, and I want him to win.

I've told him that, and he asked me, "What if you are stronger than me?" I worry about the same thing. It means I will never be fulfilled and never have exactly what I want. I'm not even sure what I want, other than some vague idea of BDSM dynamics that come close, but I've never seen it exactly.

What if I am stronger than he is? That's scary for both of us. It means all we can ever do is play-act at BDSM. A few times a month, he'll pretend to be stronger than me and I'll pretend that's enough for me. I hate to live part of my life as a lie. He says that when he does try to Dom me, I complain about how he's doing it. It's true I have a longing and I'm not sure how to articulate it, except to tell him when he's NOT meeting what I want. But I'm not sure how to get what I want. And I'm not sure if it's what he wants. He's clear that me having another Dom is not an option, so it's this or nothing.

Do I pretend to be something I'm not (a submissive)? Or do I keep complaining until I get what I want (topping from the bottom)? Does the perfect BDSM relationship even exist?

Somehow, I need more.

My Core: Journal Prompt for Submissives/Slaves

My Core

1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

2. What makes you feel joy, pain, fear, excitement?

3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

4. What part of you is most challenged or repulsed?

5. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?

6. What do you do, if anything, to keep tabs on your core, so that you may be growing and evolving, but not changing or compromising it for someone? What internal measuring sticks do you utilize to keep your inner being in tact while submitting, and how do you communicate it to your dominant/master/etc. if you feel you are being compromised?

7. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?

Submission through God

Yesterday, my Dom and I were having a talk about God, sex, BDSM, and the Bible.



Yes, all those topics were the same conversation.



Well, I'm that type of female who gets more turned on by talking then by doing. I've always been this way. I can read and research some BDSM technique for days and get far more hot than if my Dom had actually done it to me. I get more turned on by him whispering into my ear the things he wants to do to me than by actually doing the physical things themselves---just ask him sometime about a train ride in France. (It took us two hours to get home, and since we were on a train we settled for talking about what he wanted to do to me and writing down nasty names for him to call me. The end result was that, after all that talking, I was so incredibly turned on that I came immediately upon being touched once we got home, and that NEVER happens just from physical stimulation!)



We were discussing the difference in submission for a Christian woman as opposed to a sub or slave from a different religion. I was trying to share with him that, for me, it might be easier if he used terminology such as ezer, doule, handmaiden, and helpmeet, because those are terms that bear directly to my life and that I'm familiar with and comfortable with. Those are terms that mean something to me, terms I'm friends with and know what to do with, terms I've been acquainted with for years and already incorporated into my self-identity and my faith. On the other hand, terms such as sub, slave, Master, and submit, when taken in their purely secular forms, are fairly new to me and I struggle more with them.



I'd never thought about this before. But I knew that often, I had trouble "submitting." Other women who are subs or slaves seemed to do it so easily, just casting aside their "self" and submitting to a man. As a secular woman, this is foreign to me. I'm smart, educated, savvy, well-traveled, and self-confident. I struggled so much with casting aside myself just for the benefit of my equally imperfect, equally human Dom.



But to submit through Christ.... ahh, that was a concept I could sink my teeth into! To submit not as a secular woman, but as a Christian woman, a beloved of Christ, a handmaiden of the Lord, a servant and daughter of the One True God---that, I could do. It had never occurred to me until I read a blog by a fellow Christian submissive woman (more on that later), but once I read it, something clicked.



My Dom and I retired to bed and he "squished my head" (one of my most frequent requests, because I love to feel confined and safe) while I felt as safe as I needed to and he waited. When I was ready, I began to explain to him my new thoughts and revelations. I halting explained that while as a secular woman, submission was foreign, new, and unpracticed for me, if he could make me see that submission as linked to our faith, a new facet of submission would be opened to us. I told him that submitting to him, not because he's a man or a Dom, but because he's my spiritual head, caretaker of my soul, and the one responsible for my wellbeing and that of my children---that kind of submission, submission not to him but to God through him, that kind of submission I could do.



And as we talked and I opened my heart and he received it, I started to feel good. I began to get turned on.... I started to feel calm, drowsy, and dreamy, a welcome return to subspace after a frustrating inability to reach it for months and months... I started to feel closer to God than I had in a while and subsequently, closer to him. I suddenly realized that it had been struggle for me to try to reconcile being a kinster and a Christian, two identities I'd tried to keep separate but also tried to force together like two opposing magnets. And the struggle melted away as I realized I didn't have to be two opposing identities, but one complementary one: a Christian submissive. Not a secular submissive who also tried to be Christian, but a Christian submissive.



To submit to my Dom because he said so? Difficult. But to submit to my Dom the way I'd submitted before to my God, not because a human told me to but because my Lord and God called me to it in Ephesians 5:22? That I could do. I felt at peace, I felt loved, and I felt calm and turned on.



The most beautiful scene ensued.



I'm not sure how it happened; I asked my Dom how he read me so well and he said, "I just did." He couldn't explain it, but suddenly he seemed to be so much more in tune with me than normal. Usually, I feel like I'm in the scene wanting one thing, and he's doing the scene another way. Today, something in the air clicked.



I felt dreamy and like I wanted to submit to him. I wanted to submit to him because I loved him and because I loved God. Rather than him having to fight and force me into submission, I laid there, calm and serene. I felt needy and vulnerable, so I was unhappy when he tried to force me to do things; I wanted him to treat me gently like the husband in Ephesians 5:25-28. And so he was commanding, but not bossy; strong, but not forceful. He told me simply what he wanted and asked me to please do it. He stated his desires clearly: "I want you to bare your breasts to me. I want to use these clamps and I want you to hurt." His words turned me on even more as I dreamily obeyed and bared my most sensitive parts to his pain.



The metal chain was cold on my chest. I felt sexy with the chain dripping down between my nipples. I felt strong as I withstood the pain. I felt loved as he hurt me in ways I wanted to be hurt. I felt victorious as I took the pain for him and knew that this pleased him. I felt obedient as I thought about my Dom leading me to the Lord as my appointed spiritual head on Earth. I felt grateful that he wanted to hurt me and lead me in all the ways I wanted.



He gently turned me over and began to spank me. Feeling as calm and relaxed as I did, the paddle did not hurt as much as it had before, and I was able to take the pain and absorb it. Somehow, he read me perfectly. Sometimes I had to take deep breaths and remind myself not to tense up and fight the pain, but mostly I stayed calm and limp. In between spanks he rubbed my back and told me how great I was doing, how strong I was, and how pleased with me he was. It made me happy in the most frivolous way, and I beamed as I enjoyed my wondeful back massage.



The next time he spanked me, it felt good. Instead of raising the intensity each spank like he normally did, he got me to a new place--a wonderful place on the perfect knife's edge balance between pleasure and pain, a place where I moaned with pleasure as I absorbed the pain--and kept me there. He maintained the same level of strikes, and he could have stayed there forever and I'd have been happy. Instead, he raised the level a bit more to push me. He must have felt very connected to me, because just when the pain was becoming too much and I started to think that one more was going to be too much, he stopped.



We stayed that way, alternating between spanks and back rubs, until it was time to go pick a friend up from the airport.



I felt so dreamy and safe during that scene. I wanted him to keep feeding my spiritual, submissive side, talking about BDSM and the Bible and Godly submission on the way to the airport. Instead, life cut in and I had to come back out of my head, start thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning again. I wistfully wished I could go back to our bedroom and my "safe place."



I hope this is a new beginning for me and for us.... a new journey, not struggling toward the unachievable secular submission, but now flowing toward a Godly submission commanded by the Bible, inspired by Christ Jesus, and directed toward God and my Dom.... first to and through the human, and ultimately to the Lord.

My Turn at Playing Top!!!

Because my Dom agreed that everything he did to me, he would be open to receiving, this last week we've been doing a lot of "getting even"!!! *evil laugh*

I've had a blast! Although I could never be a Domme, I enjoy being the one with the whip in my hands for a change. While my Dom doesn't enjoy it quite so much (*giggle*), he puts up with it wonderfully!

We tried switching just for a little fun. You can learn more from switching than from reading countless articles on BDSM theory, so we tried it out. This gives my Dom a chance to see how it feels to be me, what works and what doesn't, which positions hurt a lot more than he expected, and how tough I really am! For me, it is a chance to be the teacher, showing him, "See how it hurts if you hit too high? But here, this spot feel really good!"

I had a lot of fun with this. I couldn't control my evil laughter the entire time, lol.

For your information, I differentiate between a Top and a Dom/Domme, and a Bottom and Sub. For me, being a top or bottom just means the physical role you play; the top wields the whip, while the bottom receives it. Both partners play as equals, and no power exchange is involved.

A Dom and sub, however, are what I call two people who are exchanging power within a scene. Rather than two equals who just like the sensations of whips and leather, these people add the heightened level of emotional and mental control. The sub relinquishes control and the Dom gains it. People who play as sub and Dom often go beyond the physical realm of BDSM into the wonderful, scary world of emotions, psychology, dependence, control, and power.

I am not a Domme when I switch. I hate being in control! In fact, I am in control enough in our everyday life, thank you very much. I enjoy subbing because it gives me a chance to lay back, give him the reins, and just be completely at his mercy. I don't have to plan, I don't have to think, I don't have to worry about if he is enjoying, no stress and no worries. I love it!

I enjoy switching, but I'd say in those rare moments when we switch, I am a Top. I wield the paddle and the whip, but I do not gain power and he does not relinquish it.

Topping my Dom is immense fun. We've agreed that it is only fair for him to be willing to take as much as he gives. It is also a great learning experience for us to "walk in the other's shoes," so to speak.

The first time I got to play at being a Top, I wanted to show him how much that tiny, innocuous wooden paddle he bought actually hurt! The first time he used it, I ended up screaming and writhing. He was convinced I was just being a wimp, but I knew better.

So we switched. I spanked him, giving him two rounds of Jacob's Ladder, just like he'd given me. To my immense satisfaction, his body went into convulsions, and then before the end he began arching his back and yelling out from the pain. I'd told him so! While the noise from the paddle may not be all that bad, the pain is quite terrible and delicious! And here he was, my fearless Dom, a leader, a military man, a vet of the Iraq war and tough Army guy. Aha! To my great satisfaction, after his 20 swats, he admitted it hurt far more than he'd expected and that I had endured my own 20 with much less noise and writhing than he had.

Score one for the sub being a "toughie"! *gives self a pat on the back*

I enjoyed this so much, I eventually convinced him to let me give him 50 swats. He agreed, and I am sad to say I started out too nicely. I wasn't sure how 50 swats would do, so I gave him the first 30 at a "medium" level. Well, by 50, I was swinging as hard as I could, and he was jerking and making noises of a man in pain, but there was no screaming, no begging, no pleading with me to stop, and no tears. Darn! And I'd really wanted the satisfaction!

Of course, his beautiful, tight bottom was 100% red, and the next day he had two great, blue bruises on his ass. He said it was hard to sit down in some positions, but otherwise he didn't notice the bruising at all, so that was good (I didn't want to hurt him permanently!). Now, several days later, he still has some adorable fading bruises that make me quite proud of myself, but nothing that causes him pain----at least, not as far as I've heard!

Pain vs. Control: Why Do People Sub?

Why is it that men and women who are educated, smart, efficient businessmen, professionals, teachers, doctors, educators, and students in their everyday lives are willing to go home and be bossed around, hit, controlled, beaten, and used? For many "vanilla" people, this is difficult to understand.

While I can't attempt to describe why each individual chooses to become a sub, I believe it boils down to two main reasons: pain and control. If you feel yourself drawn to a submissive lifestyle, you are probably drawn to at least one of these reasons (and maybe both).

Let's start with pain, since it is the most well-known in the vanilla world. After all, subs who like to be whipped and beaten by their lovers are much more likely to get vanilla attention than one who just likes to be ordered around!

Some people are addicted to pain. In the BDSM world, they are often called "pain sluts." A masochist is the technical term. These people may enjoy playing the bottom in a BDSM scene because they enjoy the catharsis of pain. It triggers endorphins and a "high" floods the body. Pain and pleasure are so closely interconnected that they can easily be confused, and pain can heighten pleasure and vice-versa. Pain sluts may also enjoy control in BDSM play, but they don't have to; they are there for the thrill of the pain. You can tell these people because in a sex store, they are the ones looking longingly at the whips, needles, canes, paddles, and floggers.

Some subs, however, are completely against any physical pain but love to be controlled. Physically or emotionally, they want to be overpowered by a strong Dom or Mistress. They crave letting go and letting someone else take the wheel. These people are often into what we call humiliation play, rape play, child play, animal play, or dirty talk. You can spot these people at BDSM events because, while the pain sluts are already tied to a St. Andrew's cross and screaming happily as a top beats them, the "control" subs are probably holding their Mommy's hand, sitting obediently next to their Trainer with a collar and leash, or quietly serving their Domme another beverage.

Let's think of BDSM as a spectrum. On the far side are activities to do with pain. These include flogging, cutting, whipping, needle play, hot wax, pinching, biting, genital torture, hitting, punching, ball-stomping (yes, it's what it sounds like), and other things that require pain but not necessarily control. On the far other side of the spectrum are BDSM scenes that require lots of verbal, emotional, and physical control but no pain: these can include Parent/child scenes, dirty talk, humiliation, bondage, or being caged. And then of course there are the activities that fall somewhere wonderfully in between the two, such as rape scenes, animal play, branding, and spanking.

It goes without saying that to heighten an experience for a sub, you want to know what turns this particular sub on. Say you want to do a rape scene. If your sub simply adores control but isn't so much into pain, your scene will probably include lots of dirty talk, physically controlling her body, humiliating her, or tying her up. If your sub leans more to the pain side of things, you may focus more on fucking her hard, hitting and punching her, whipping her, and being sure to leave lots of lovely bruises.

Most scenes in BDSM can incorporate both elements; this is fortunate since many subs enjoy both elements. For example, I don't like pain for pain's sake, but I do enjoy being hurt if it makes me feel more controlled. It all depends on how my Dom approaches the pain.

If you are a sub wondering which side of the spectrum you fall on, or a Dom who is unsure what your sub likes, take a look at the following list and see which numbers seem hottest or most appealing to you:

1. Your Dom ties you up, then fucks you hard, pinching your nipples and spanking your ass.
2. Your Dom ties you up, then slowly inserts a vibrator and makes fun of you as you try not to come.
3. Your Dom has you lay down on the bed, then paddles you as hard as he can. In between spanks, he pulls your hair and slaps your thighs.
4. Your Dom has you lay down on the bed and tells you sternly you've been a bad girl. As a punishment, he paddles you hard and forces you to say "Thank you, sir," after each one until he thinks you've learned your lesson.
5. Chili sauce is wiped on your anus and genitals and your Dom enjoys watching you squirm and scream.
6. You are chained like a puppy and humiliated, forced to pee on the carpet, and eat mushy food from a dog bowl while your Dom watches.
7. Your Dom figs you before spanking.
8. Your Dom plays Daddy and watches you carefully color a painting, insisiting you get the paint perfectly between the lines before he lets you play or receive an orgasm.

If you think the odd numbers sounded hotter, you are probably more of a pain slut. If the even numbers made you most wet or hard, you enjoy mental and emotional control.

Of course, control can be used to inflict pain, and pain can be used to exercise control. Many of these activities can be tailored to exactly fit a sub's desires (or to exactly be the opposite, if your bad little horsie needs to be punished!). The better you know yourself and your partner, the more fun you will have. Go forth and torture. Enjoy!

How to Tell When a Sub Has Had Too Much

How do you tell when a sub has had too much? This can be difficult to maneuver until you are more familiar with that particular sub's version of subspace and how he or she acts in a scene.

In subspace, a sub is like a different person. Well, at any rate, I know this is true for me. I cannot speak for other bottoms! When I am feeling "subby," I go from disobeying, being a brat, acting ornery, and evil laughs to quiet, dreamy, obedient, and eager to please. I may move slower and with less purpose, but that is because I feel dreamy and confused, not because I'm trying to annoy or disobey. Be sure you give a sub extra time and patience during this time. If she is trying to obey, but seems confused or listless, don't mistake it for disobedience. Just give her a gentle reminder or more specific instructions.

A happy sub will float, dream, obey, smile, and look at your adoringly. If you have an obedient, smiling sub, you are on the right track.

A sub who is nearing her limits will frown, clench her teeth or fists, furrow her brow, and whine. She may shake her head or appear confused. A whiny, complaining sub is not happy. I know that I tend to get whiny when my Dom does not accomodate for my switch from "regular space" to subspace. One minute I was fighting him tooth and nail for control, and the next I hear his voice get commanding and I go to my happy place. In this mood, I am moody and needy. Calling me names, talking down to me, or being harsh or demanding may turn me on other times, but not in this mood. If I perceive that he is being too harsh, unfair, or too "mean," I start to scowl and my voice gets whiny and plaintive.

A perfect example of things that make me feel hurt and wronged while in subspace:

• "Are you going to do it or just stand there?!" (I'm going, but I'm slow because I feel dreamy!)

A better alternative would be: "Baby girl, did you hear me?" or "Do you need help?"

• "You're a bad girl." (I'm trying to be good!)

Instead, try, "You're such a good little sub. You're so deliciously bad."

• "You're a dirty whore." (Insults may turn me on most times, but not when I am trying so hard to please you.)

Try something like, "You're Daddy's precious little whore, aren't you?" or just a simple, "You're so dirty. I love you."

If you are pushing a sub too much--visible when she frowns, cries, or whines--it is possible she is not disobeying, but simply can't think on a complex level right then. I am an incredibly analytical person, a fast thinker, and decisive; I am also highly educated. However, in subspace my brain slows down. I can't think quickly or about anything too complex; I am more like a zombie who can only obey.

A sub may be able to infer or break down a complex command on her own in real life, but in sub space you may need to help her. If you give a command and she doesn't follow it, be sure she is really disobeying before you punish her.

If your command has many steps involved, try breaking it down and giving it to her in smaller, simpler steps, the way you would a child. Instead of, "Serve me dinner," try smaller commands like, "Go into the kitchen. Now get out two plates and put them on the table. Good. Now set out two glasses filled with ice. Very nice. Now can you bring me two forks and two knives? That's my good girl."

If your command is very simple and she still doesn't follow it, the sub may be thinking through it. Perhaps you have pushed a limit you didn't know about, or are nearing a limit. Perhaps she does not want to perform the task for some reason (it seems gross, she is too embarrassed, she doesn't want to leave your side, etc.). Watch the sub, and if she begins to frown, shake her head, or cry, check to make sure she is okay and not being coerced into something she doesn't want.

Remember, if you are playing the Top for a scene, it is your responsibility to keep both of you safe. Be gentle with a sub in subspace, get to know your sub, and be vigilant to make sure you have not pushed her too far.

Examples of M/s and D/s Contracts

Many BDSMers in M/s (Master/slave) and D/s (Dominant/slave) relationships have contracts or rules. These can be rules the couple agrees on together or rules a Master has that he gives to potential slaves; the slave decides if she wants to be bound to this Master and these rules and makes her decision. Of course, contracts for slaves are often more stringent and strict than for submissives, who keep some control over their own lives and often choose in which areas they will submit.

Below are two examples of rules. The first, Rules for Submissives, was a list of rules created and agreed upon by a D/s couple. Both parties agree to follow these rules and change or add more as the future requires it. The second, Rules for Slaves, is a list of rules by a Master. He provides this list for potential slaves, and, if they agree to them, they are accepted into his servitude and protection. Please note that in the M/s version of rules, the slave's name and use of "i" are always lowercase. This is a common method used in some M/s and D/s relationships to mirror the submission of the sub or slave.

Rules for Submissives (D/s relationship)

1. Wait for Master to open all doors and car doors (getting out and getting in). Exceptions are okay with sets of two doors when there are people behind me waiting; I can open the door for them or step aside and wait.

2. Don't walk ahead of him in public (outside), walk beside him or slightly behind if necessary.
Inside buildings, I go first and he will put his hand on the small of my back to guide me.

3. At restaurants, Master will order for both of us. *exceptions: when my family is around.

4. The sub is not permitted to be alone at home with non-related males. In public, she has to check in with Master every hour, with phone contact before and after. Master has final say in which people she can spend time with. She can ask Master's permission for exceptions in specific cases. This rule applies to Master as well.

5. In public, the word "Now" signifies Master wants to begin a scene. In this case, the sub must obey and begin scene. Once every 6 months, she may opt not to participate in a public scene; she will indicate this by saying, "Veto." Master will accept this without punishment or anger.

6. When guests are over and a scene is ongoing, if Master asks her to serve the guests (barring sexual acts), the sub must obey within 3 seconds.

7. Every other day, the sub must journal her feelings, thoughts, fantasies, and concerns on her private blog for Master; he will not judge or punish her for her blogs. Every week, the sub must upload a poem, erotica, or porn photo/video she has made for Master.

8. Say please and thank you during punishments, for commands, and requests.

9. Safe words can be used by either party. For the sub, "I can't" is to be used literally; all other declinations will be ignored. It is Master's responsibility to check in periodically with the sub and ask her if she is all right or to rate her pain level on 1-10.

10. Master and the sub will both participate in aftercare every time. Master will attend to the sub's needs by any means necessary or available (blankets, treats, water, etc.).

11. The sub must ask permission to move, change positions, leave, or use the restroom.

12. When Master makes a request, the sub must obey promptly (within 3 seconds) or she will be punished.

13. No whining or sulking. The sub gets one warning per session and three seconds to fix it. These are punishable offenses.

14. The sub must ask permission before touching Master with her hands or mouth. She must say thank you after permission has been granted and before touching Master.

15. The sub can speak at any time, but she may be punished for what she says.

16. The sub may address Master, but she must keep her eyes lowered submissively.

17. To receive instructions or lectures, the sub will kneel on the floor with her ankles crossed, hands folded on her lap, and head lowered, without figeting; she will not move until Master commands her to get up.

18. Punishments will be administered immediately (within 60 seconds) at home, and immediately after returning home when in public.

19. When punishment is necessary, Master will devise a punishment. If the sub believes a punishment is too much, she has the right to request 2 choices and she may choose the one she prefers.

Rules for Slaves (M/s relationship)

taken from Best Slave Training

1) i submit to the will of my Master and i’m bound to Him. i accept His authority over me for my purpose is to serve, obey and please my Master. i will be managed, disciplined and controlled in a manner beneficial to my training and long-term service and inclusion in his household as a slave.

2) i accept that part of training is the actual physical control of my behavior. i will have no privacy from my Master.

3) Communication with my Master is one of the most important aspects of my development as a slave. a) i am responsible for answering each and every e-mail sent to me by my Master and when not in His presence, i will send Him at least one e-mail or contact Him each and every day. b) i must be both specific and explicit in my speech. i will give complete and accurate answers to each and every question that my Master asks of me. i am allowed no secrets from my Master. i will work hard to welcome this openness of body, mind and soul.

4) To receive pleasure i must earn it. i must always give thanks to my Master for all i am given immediately after receiving it, for such things are gifts or privileges granted to me by Him. This also includes any punishment and discipline that i may receive so that I may grow in bondage and serve him better.5) i will not hesitate in my obedience to my Master and will respond quickly to all orders given.

6) I willingly discuss any issues I have with my Master that limits by trust. my goal is to trust my Master and know His concern for my total safety that includes my emotional, psychological, social, sexual, and physical health.

7) i will work hard to give my Master control and turn my will over to Him. i know this is my duty as His slave and i desire to serve and please Him by doing so.


8) i am always in submission to my Master whether He is present or not, ready to please Him at any time, in any place, under any circumstances, regardless of who may be present. His pleasure is more important than my discomfort.

9) When i am not in the presence of my Master and i have choices to make - i will perform them to the best of my abilities and within the boundaries and guidance He has established for me. If someone speaks ill of my Master, i will defend Him and report this to my Master immediately.

10) The opportunity to please my Master is very important to me. i will seek out opportunities to do so. my greatest felt satisfaction is realized when i know i have pleased my Master. There can be no greater pain or suffering i can feel than when my Master is not pleased with me. i will accept the guidance i will need to be put back on track so that i will be forgiven and once again be pleasing to Him.


11) i will learn all the positions my Master wants to teach me to the best of my abilities and when display myself to him using them . i know that by using the slave positions i am enabling by Master to better manage and use his slave.

12) my entire sexual being now belongs to my Master. my Master is in complete charge of my sexual desires and i wish that He mold them in a way that is most pleasing to Him. i am a sexual and sensual being and my entire body is to be available for my Master’s use at all times. It is my Master’s choice as to how my sexual being will be used to please him.
a) i must never reach orgasm without explicit permission from my Master. My failure to receive permission before cumming will cause me to endure the punishment Master will put upon me. Such pleasure must be seen as a privilege so that i do not take advantage of it.
b) i will never touch my breasts, nipples, pussy or clit with my hands or sex toys in any manner where i could experience sexual or sensual pleasure without permission from my Master. i fully acknowledge that i no longer have ownership of my sexual being.

13) The safeword given to me by my Master can be spoken at any time - even When i have been told to be silent. If i am not able to verbalize it – i trust my Master will show me how i can express it. Safewords are for my protection as well as His.

14) i shall never think of myself as a weak person for it takes a strong female to commit to the drive inside me, to serve, to obey and to please a Master.

15) i know that other than any hard limits and safeword that he grants this slave, i can make no demands or place limits on my Master's authority. i can give Him no orders. i don’t control his time or who he chooses to give his attention too. i know that attempts, by me, to limit His power, control or status as a Master would lead to me being punished.

16) my health is important to my Master. i will eat properly. i want to be healthy and of sound mind and body, free as possible of any personal limitations, when pleasing my Master. i can not refuse my Master's decision that i seek medical attention, if so ordered. If placed on a diet by my Master, i will obey His decisions as to my method of weight loss and make routine reports to Him as to my progress. After losing the weight my Master requires, i will maintain the weight that pleases Him.
17) i will not date others or form a relationship with others without permission from my Master. i will not communicate with other Masters without my Master's permission. This includes in person, telephone, instant messaging or e-mail. i will report all contact directly and quickly to my Master. My Master makes the decision as to what types of contact i am allowed to have with other Masters. My Master can deny, grant or terminate any communication i have with others when he wishes.
18) Punishment Rules: i know my Master has the right to discipline or punish me any time He wishes for any violation. i will submit to any discipline or punishment my Master sees fit. i know that i will be punished or disciplined for violations of the rule, both written and oral, in order to correct my behavior and to insure He find me pleasing. The punishment will fit the violation that i have committed. my Master shall determine how and when and where i am to receive this punishment.i have the right to plead for a lesser punishment, but my Master is under no obligation to grant a reduced punishment.

19) i worship my Master. i worship my Master's whip, respect my Master's right to use it for His pleasure and my punishment.

20) my mouth is for my Masters pleasure. i will learn that:
a) my mouth will be used as my Master wishes for His pleasure. b) i will work hard to provide complete pleasure with my mouth. When my Masters dick is put into my mouth and i am directed to suck it - i will do so as long as i am required to do so. When told to, my hands shall be placed on the tops of my thighs, behind my neck or held at the base of my back so that during the sucking i can use my whole body to display my hunger to my Master. i will not restrict my Master's view of me. c) i worship my Master's dick, its head and its shaft, especially when it is hard or when i am given the opportunity to make it hard for Him d) my Master's cum must never go to waste - i will swallow His cum as it is a gift an honor to receive it.

21) i must always wear revealing and sexy clothing of good taste around my Master unless given permission to do otherwise. The clothing i wear will allow easy access to my pussy, ass and breasts. my basic attire in the presence of my Master shall always include a collar given to me by my Master. i must never be concerned when i feel too much of my flesh is showing, however i can ask my Master for permission as to how to handle my discomfort. In public, i am to wear a dress or skirt without panties around my Master. i must remove all of my clothing in the way i have been taught when my Master commands of me to do so.

22) i must sleep in the nude and wear the collar provided by my Master.

Chastity Belts + Lock = Evil Fun!

Chastity belts--available online and in kink/bondage stores--are just another way evil Doms can have kinky fun with their hapless subs! Chastity belts (built on the old-fashioned idea of chastity but made with newer and better technology!) come anywhere from $19-350, are available for both men and women, can be locked or not, and can be used for control play for one short scene or for months at a time.

Intrigued? Read on.

If you want to play with chastity, there are some benefits. The first and main one is control. This is just another way for the Dom to control the sub--sort of like bondage for the genitals! Teasing and torturing goes that much farther when the sub can't reach his or her genitals! Chastity is also a great idea for long-distance relationships or even when one of you is away for the weekend; this way you KNOW he isn't playing with himself when you're not around! You and only you have control over when and how your sub receives sexual pleasure.

Have a new chastity belt but not sure how to incorporate it into your play? Here is a new Scene Idea to tickle your fancy:

Lock your sub up in a chastity belt with a key. Keep the key in a safe, locked in your car, or somewhere else locked with a key. Set a certain amount of time, like a month (more or less, if you like) that your sub must wear the chastity belt. Every month, play this devious little game with your sub (we'll pretend he's male, but of course this will work with either sex!):

Lock him in his chastity cage and tell him he can try once for his freedom every month (or whatever). Be sure to tease him lots in between so his sexual arousal is high! When the time has come for him to try his monthly bid at genital freedom, give him this task to complete:

• Handcuff his ankles together. Handcuff his wrists and lock them to his collar. This way, he can only crawl on his elbows and knees.
• Tell him where you have hidden three keys: the first for his ankle cuffs, the second for his wrists, and the third to the safe or wherever you've locked the key to his chastity cage.
• Freeze the keys in a block of ice or other liquid.
• Set the three keys in a place where he will have to strain to get them, but it's possible. For example, put the first one in a doggie dish on the main floor. Put the second one up or down stairs (so he has to get his ankle cuffs removed before he can get there).
• Set a timer and tell him to go. Watch him scramble to get the keys and unmelt them in time!
• If he gets all three keys before the timer goes off, he has won and can use the final key to unlock his chastity cage. If he does not, he can try again next month.

Helpful tips:

• if you have a safe with a locked timer, that's even better. Set the safe to lock in 6 minutes and let him scramble to get there before the safe locks itself.
• freeze the key into something other than water: you can make frozen ice from soda, Koolaid, fruit juices, or even cum.
• for a fun twist, don't freeze the keys in anything, but don't tell him where you've hidden them. Enjoy watching him crawl frantically around the house.
• Hold the last key yourself, and rather than having it frozen so he has to melt it, make the last "task" that he must bring you to orgasm before he receives the key. Adjust the timer accordingly so he has a sporting chance.
• Be fair with the amount of time you give him and how possible it is to find and unmelt the keys: it should be difficult, but not impossible, for him to succeed.
• for long-term forced chastity, be sure to get a chastity cage that allows for good hygiene and easy washing through the cage.

Compliments Doms Give to Subs

I was so touched by this online discussion of wonderful compliments some Doms, Masters, Trainers, and Daddies have said to their beloeved subs, slaves, puppies, ponies, and little girls that I've decided to share it.



Many people wonder what BDSM really is. They think sexual kink must mean the people are perverted or abused in their past, rather than just creativity. They think about BDSM and figure it must be a bunch of abused women letting nasty, misogynistic men control our lives.



Of course, I hope from this blog you've realized that isn't true. My Dom and I are true equals in real life--we both have areas of strength the other does not have--and we only play at BDSM because we both like it. I get to be turned on the way I want and he gets the same. Everyone leaves happier and closer.



It is a definite misconception that the women (and men) subs in BDSM relationships are not loved and cared for. That they are simply used and taken for granted. Some of these online compliments shared by wonderful women subs made my heart happy. Some of the compliments I've shared are my own, from my Dom. If you are a dom, consider saying these. If you are a sub, read these and feel beautiful. If you are vanilla, I hope this makes you understand why some women choose to find love in BDSM.

1. "Only you could be double fisted, fucked in both your arse and cunt at the same time and then buggered so thoroughly, and then politely point out that you haven't been whipped!"


2. Good girl. I'm proud of you.


3. I'm in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.


4. I will never be someone you used to love.


5. You will never be alone in the dark again.


6. You've done well and pleased me.


7. You are a true treasure.


8. You are my everything. There is nothing and no one more important to me than you.


9. You are an amazing woman.


10. You have done something I myself could never do. I am impressed.


11. I do.


12. You will never be replaced.


13. Your maturity and honesty are your greatest gifts. Virtue is not lost on me.


14. Will you cuddle with me, kitten?


15. I can't wait to spend forever with you.


16. I'm proud of you, and don't know many people who could have done what you did and survived, and I love you for it.


17. You are stronger than you think, and you amaze me.


18. Will you marry me?


19. You really are a depraved, deliciously dirty little whore!


20. Daddy is proud of the way you took that.


21. Whatever I did or said to make you feel this way I offer my apologies to you for you are the greatest thing in my life ...I just want you to know, no matter what you or I say or do, I will always love you without hesitation. Maybe i am not right in my ways, maybe you aren't either, but I do know that after all these years, I know in my heart, I made the right choice marrying you, and never thought otherwise. Yes, we don't see eye to eye, we never will, but my heart sees your heart.


22. You're mine!


23. You are part of me, but without you I am nothing.


24. You belong to me and will never have to make another major decision again.


25. You love me the way I need to be loved---better than anyone.


26. There is no part of you that I don't find pleasing.


27. You make it easy to dream big.


28. You're a slut, but you're MY slut.


29. I love you even when you're broken.


30. I will always protect your love and innocence--well, at least from others. *evil grin*

Happy sigh. Enjoy! :)

Abduction + Rape Play

If you want to be ready for a rape play + abduction scene (that is, any rape play that does not take place in your own home!), a good idea is to prepare beforehand. The more planning and preparation goes into this, the smoother your scene will go. You can even have a to-go kit for later. Some people believe having a "Rape Play To-Go Kit" ruins the spontaneity, but your partner never even has to know it's there... you can keep it hidden in the trunk of your car, for example.
Many people have fantasies about doing rape play with an abduction element. This is because a new background and props can make it seem more real. Being "raped" by my husband in the comfort of your own bedroom is perfectly fine for me (I like the mental aspects of rape), but many other subs and Doms who rely more heavily on the physical aspects of scene to get into their roles need the location, setting, props, and overall "feel" to be more realistic. If you feel that "playing rape" just feels hollow and fake in your own bedroom, try setting the mood somewhere else: a bar, an alley (it's illegal to have sex in public, so make it private!), a hotel room, your car, or a deserted park or forest can work wonders for making the scene feel more real!

To make rape play even more realistic, many people enjoy setting it all up with an "abduction scene." Doms can surprise their subs at work, out shopping, in a parking lot, at a bar or club, at a party, or even at home. Kidnap them (making sure worried bystanders don't see and accidentally call the police on you!), bind and gag them, and force them into a car. If they don't know when or how this is happening, it makes it feel all the more realistic for them---just make sure you get consent sometime before.

One idea is to surprise the sub and force them into a car. A (blunt) knife or just physical force can make this feel scary and real, even if they know it is you. Bind and gag them, throw them into the backseat and cover them with a blanket, and drive them to an undisclosed location. The stranger the surroundings are to your sub, the scarier and more realistic it will be, so try to find a place far from home or where the sub has never been and won't recognize her surroundings. (This may be the only time you want to try a seedy hotel!)

If you don't want your sub to know it's you, you can always wear a ski mask. You can even "rape" your sub in your own home this way--I've found that, when the smell and feel of my lover is off, I can't recognize him at all at first. Your sub is going to know the way you feel, smell, breathe, and speak. You can throw her off by changing these things. For instance, shower with a completely different soap and shampoo, wear clothes that are new or have been laundered in a different laundry soap, and wear gloves to mask the feel of your skin. Wear an aftershave, cologne, or mouthwash completely different from what you'd normally ever wear. Slouch and try to walk faster or heavier than you normally do. If your sub can't see you (e.g. if you come in through a window, walk up behind her, and grab her), it is going to take her a while to recognize you. Why? We subconsciously know our lovers by their height, build, touch, and smell. A high school boyfriend of mine once came up behind me and grabbed me in a tight hug. He was wearing his friend's cologne and mouthspray at the time, and I was terrified. It took me several seconds (until he spoke) to figure out who had grabbed me. Until that moment, I never realized how much we subconsciously rely on smell and the sound of voice to recognize people! If you change your smell and feel, and keep from talking or being seen, you can terrifying your sub into real submission for several moments. Of course, eventually you want her to realize it's you, so you don't scar her emotionally and so she can utilize her safeword if she needs to.

Another idea some people use to make abduction and rape seem more real is to pretend to use date-rape drugs. I say pretend, because actual date rape drugs are illegal and therefore not moderated by any governmental regulations and highly dangerous. (I'm serious--common effects of date rape drugs include permanent infertility, coma, dangerously heightened or lowered blood pressure, nausea, slowed heart rate, dizziness, inability to speak, seizure, heart failure, and death.) However, you can pretend to get this effect by using sugar water on a cloth (to mimic chloroform) to make your victim "pass out," using tic-tacs or other pill-shaped candies, or whatever the two of you decide to make it "pretending" but still hot. You could also waking her up from deep sleep to get that groggy, out-of-it feeling. I have heard of people using drugs--from NyQuil to muscle relaxers to Ecstasy to alcohol to prescription sleep-inducing drugs. I will say, though, that it is illegal to use legal drugs for this purpose and illegal to use illegal drugs, period. You could go to jail for rape because all these drugs take away a person's ability or desire to think clearly and say no. You could also be convicted of murder if something goes wrong and your sub dies, leaving you pleading with a judge that the drugs, rape, and murder were "consensual."

More practically, how can your sub use a safeword or tell you when something is really wrong if she is not fully conscious? Also, before you try anything, you must do research on side effects, allergies, etc. If you simply must try these methods, do your research, have both of you sign a consent form, and think. Have a phone and first-aid kit handy. Learn how to do CPR. Any drugs that inhibit circulation (like alcohol!) should never be used with bondage or uncomfortable positions. Find out if any substances will react with pre-existing conditions your sub has (low blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, etc.) and how they will react with medications your sub takes (herbs, vitamins, prescription meds, birth control, everything!) Honestly, it is dangerous to play with BDSM when one person is not capable of giving full consent, but before you try anything, you must do your research! In all, it is less work and safer to stick with pretending...

...Back to ideas for rape and abduction! :)

If you really want to freak out your sub, another idea is to have friends or coworkers she doesn't know kidnap her for you. (Get consent before---several months or weeks before, so she's not expecting it!) Of course, for this you need to have some seriously dedicated buddies who are understanding of your kink lifestyle. Make it very clear they are not to hurt her or sexually touch her in any way, and watch from afar to make sure she is safe. You can even be in the car once she is blindfolded; as long as you don't talk and your friends do, she will never know you're there.

Note: if you don't have any friends this close, or she would recognize their voices and scents, you can try having local BDSMers help you out. Make sure you work with people you trust.

Once your friends get her to the hotel room or abandoned woods or whatever, have them threateningly tell her they are going to strip her off and fuck her mercilessly. Then have them leave you to your wicked ways! As long as you don't speak or give yourself away, you can savagely rip off her clothes and rape her, even leaving and pretending to be many people. If your sub is blindfolded and tied, it will feel incredibly real to her!

Of course, if you are going to have your friends abduct your sub, be smart about it. Get her consent first, and write out that you are her husband, what you are doing and why, and sign it so your friends don't get arrested by some cop who misunderstands the situation.

To remember this event later, you can secretly put up a video camera so you and your sub can watch the whole thing later. Another good idea is to play loud, unfamiliar music or have some other noise (a tv, your friends in the other room talking loudly, a tape of your friends pretending to egg you on as you rape her, etc.) so she is less likely to recognize your breathing. If you are playing multiple people, use different scents, different textured clothes, handle her differently (as though you were multiple people getting off on her misery in different ways), use a condom, use different toys, and do different things to her (maybe one is an anal fiend, the other obsessed with her breasts, and another wants to rub his dick all over her before he fucks her). Changing gloves, having shirts of very different textures with different scents (sweat in one, leave some in different people's houses for a few weeks, spray them with different colognes, etc.), and changing gum or mouthwash between "characters" will make it seem real.

Of course, before you traumatize your sub, make sure she wants to be raped and get her consent. Find out what makes her turned on, and if this isn't it, don't do it!





If you want to try abducting her--whether it's as simple as you meeting her at a bar and telling her to get her ass in your car or a complex scenario involving props and other people--it is also a good idea to have a to-go kit ready.

Some ideas for a to-go kit that will make your sub's life easier when she gets to return to real life are listed below. Of course, if you just want her to ride home, bound and gagged in the backseat of your car, that's okay, too!



Abduction/Rape To-Go Kit for the Hapless Sub:

• any lingerie or slutty clothes you want to force them to wear during the scene




• extra change of comfy clothes: shirt, bra, panties, jeans, socks, sneakers




• hair brush and ponytail holder




• deodorant




• makeup




• toothbrush and toothpaste




• any medications your sub takes




• contact solution, contact holders, and glasses
  

Abduction/Rape To-Go Kit for the Wicked Dom(me):

• condoms (in different textures and brands if you are playing more than one character)\




• lube




• sex toys, if desired




• paddles, whips, and floggers, if desired




• rope or handcuffs




• duct tape




• blindfold




• gag




• first aid kit




• emergency first-aid scissors




• hotel reservations, if needed




• ski mask




• blanket for backseat of your car




• map to wherever you're going

Also, if you are going to put this much work and planning into a rape scene to make your sub's fantasies come true (go you!), take some time to think about what you want out of these scene. Do you want her to know it's you or not? Will you find it sexier if she struggles, screams, and runs, or if she goes limp and does not resist? If she is honestly terrified for her life, crying and pleading, is that going to turn you on or make you feel guilty and be a huge turn-off? Would you rather have a sub who fights and screams the whole time, one who eventually stops struggling and goes limp, or one whose body betrays her by getting wet and sticky even as you rape her?

Whatever it is you want and need out of this scene, you need to communicate with your sub to get it. It is highly unlikely your sub will just magically happen to respond the way you're dreaming she will. Some women fight, some scream, some go limp, and others urge you to fuck them harder. Whichever one you want, have some conversations with your sub beforehand. Mention rape fantasies and tell her what you find sexy about these scenes. Share your dreams and what happens in your personal fantasies: what is happening? how does your victim react? what does she do? Does she say anything in particular? This way, both you and your sub leave happy and fulfilled from the experience.

*Note: you must get consent beforehand for all rape play activities.

**Note: rape play is a type of BDSM activity where consenting adult partners agree to pretend to rape/be raped. This is completely different from actual rape, which is a crime, a sin, and morally reprehensible.