5/31/2009

A Safeworded Scene is Sometimes the Best

Safewords are so common in BDSM, you'll hear about them all the time. These can be used by the sub or the Dom at any time to stop or pause a scene when something goes wrong or when one of them can't take any more.

A lot of people are willing to safeword if they need to, but then they think the scene is "ruined." This isn't true, since I know people who will safeword, pause the scene, and then just go right back into it once they have fixed whatever was the problem. But sometimes a safeword means a scene needs to stop RIGHT THEN.

Well, I had to do an emergency safeword the other night, and I've been thinking about this. I actually believe our scene was somehow better than other times when I haven't safeworded.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't having fun at the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have had to call our safeword (or safe phrase, in our case). I needed him to stop, and I needed him to stop right then. But terrible as it was at the time, I realized later that I'd gotten what I'd needed out of the scene. I'd been terrified, angry, frightened, and broken. My Dom didn't know that yet, and I had taken all I could take, so I called it quits and he immediately started taking care of me---in fact, he felt awful. But I tried to explain to him later (when I could talk!) that I'd rather have a scene be so overwhelming and complete that I have to immediately safeword out of it, than have a scene where my limits aren't stretched and everything goes smoothly and safely but at the end, I feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

Let me describe what happened.

Making me cry is a very hard thing to do. First, I'm a woman, and second, I'm a redhead. Both these contribute to me having a high pain tolerance. But mostly, as an individual I just have an incredibly high pain tolerance and immense self control. I was emotionally abused as a teenager, and that has kept me from being able to express my emotions healthily as an adult. I can keep myself from crying, to the point where I can't cry even when I want to.

So sometimes in a scene, my goal is for him to break me to the point where I can cry. For some reason I can't get myself there alone. I can't cry. When I try, the tears don't come. Even when he hits me or yells at me, I'll often get close to tears, but no tears will come. It's very frustrating, because BDSM is all about me wanting to get that release that I can't otherwise have. It's about wanting him to have that control and closeness to me that I otherwise don't know how to give him.

We discussed things that actually scare me, and one of them is being slapped repeatedly in the face. Don't get me wrong, I love being slapped a few times; it even makes me come harder. But the only person who has beaten me repeatedly in the face is my mother, so it's natural that those repeated slaps across the face, with no chance to defend myself or have a break to pull myself together again, take me right back to that victimization of my childhood. Sure, it's a terrible feeling, but in the end it is the only way to break me down.

Well, my Dom went at it a lot harder than he had before. I am used to a few slaps, then a break, but he just kept hitting me and hitting me. After a while, I got absolutely pissed. I am not used to feeling such intense anger, and I would have beaten the crap out of him, except he had me pinned down! I wasn't playing anymore, I was FURIOUS. Then he started slapping me again. It wasn't fun, sexy slapping, either; this was a harsh beating on both sides of my face. I started to whimper and fight him in earnest. He was beating the crap out of me, I was screaming for him to stop, I was starting to cry, and the whole time he just kept coming and slapping and hitting me without a pause or a break. He kept screaming, "Break, damn you! Break!" I started to cry and fight him in earnest, but he was too big for me. The pain in my face was becoming unbearable. I tried to safeword, but I couldn't breathe. I started screaming for him to stop. Finally, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, I choked out, "I c----!" and started wailing.

That was all I got out, but it was close enough to our safeword ("I can't") that all hitting stopped immediately. He gathered me into his arms, held me, and I laid there and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

He told me later that he felt terrible, that he had been trying to watch to see when I started to cry, but that he hadn't felt or seen it and thought he should keep going. He was worried I was angry with him, but why would I be? He had done everything exactly as we'd discussed: he'd made me hit my limits, and once I safeworded he had stopped immediately. It wasn't his fault if the scene had gotten too intense, too fast.

I cried myself out for a good long while while he held me. My face ached, and once I was all cried out he went to get me some water and some ice for my face. My cheeks were a lovely rosy color, but the right side of my face was swelled up and I was seriously afraid I would have a black eye (I didn't). My face was aching and so my Dom tucked me into bed and held the ice to my face. I fell into a deep sleep that lasted for 12 hours, completely released and cried out.

Later, we discussed the whole thing. He said he'd felt top drop for the first time, seeing me cry like that after what he'd done to me. He felt terrible that I'd had to use my safeword. I tried to explain to him that is what safewords are for! Yes, the scene got too much for me and we had to stop, but in the end that meant I was 100% worn out and had gotten to cry out all my negative emotions. I felt much more calm and at peace after I'd calmed down than I would have if we'd done a lighter scene that didn't cause me any emotional reaction at all.

For me, the scene was both bad and good. Like so many BDSM scenes are for me as a sub, the scene itself was bad---I was being hurt, I was in physical and emotional pain, and I left it bruised and drained. But the thing I love about BDSM is that it lets me use those negative emotions and turn them in to a positive experience! As soon as I'd cried myself out and my Dom had turned back into the nice, loving man I know and not the maniacal monster who was hitting me, I felt so much better and at peace. I'd finally managed to cry, and it was a total catharsis. I'd found an outlet for my negative emotions, and I felt closer to my Dom, sleepy, safe, and exhausted. I slept hard and well. The next day, my face looked fine and was only slightly sore, and I felt more in love and happy than I'd felt in days. All my worries and anxieties had been melted away!

So yes, at the time it was scary. But the scene achieved its goal. And it has taught me: a safeworded scene is sometimes the best!

5/29/2009

Puppy Food for your Puppy

Puppy play is a really common fetish among some BDSMers. What many people don't realize when they are training they puppy, however, is that human puppies shouldn't eat real dog food. First off, dry dog food is too hard for human teeth to chew, and can damage your pet's teeth and gums. Also, dogs have completely different nutritional needs than humans, so using real dog food can upset your pet's digestive system.

But there are a few tricks if you want to feed your puppy from a doggie bowl!

Here are some foods you might want to try...

Chocolate. For the puppy with a sweet tooth, crumbled bits of chocolate in a doggie bowl are a tasty but visually "doggish" food. But if you have real pets, be careful not to leave it out, since chocolate is toxic to both cats and dogs!

Beans. Beans are the color and consistency of much wet dog food, so these are great for humiliation. Pour some refried beans into a dog bowl, or use any variety of canned or fresh beans--chili beans, kidney beans, or any type of brown bean will work.

Chili. This food looks almost exactly like dog food when you leave out the peppers and onions. Make a simple chili dish with just tomato paste, ground beef, and chili beans, and you have a mushy food ready to be poured into a bowl!

Porridge. Anything soft and soupy, such as porridge, oatmeal, or even cereal can be poured into a dog bowl and enjoyed as a puppy treat.

Ground Beef. Try a dish with a ground-beef base for an authentic look. Some suggestions include Hamburger helper dishes, noodles and beef, chili, Sloppy Joes, taco meat, or cut-up hamburgers. All these foods are easily edible for humans, but look like dog food.

Ribs or Legs. Throw your human puppy a cooked chicken leg or a baked rib and let him get dirty licking and comping the meat without his paws. Later, you can enjoy watching him knaw on the bone!

Of course, basically any food poured into a bowl can substitute as dog food, so you are only limited by your imagination!

For more tips on how to train a human into a pet, click here.

5/28/2009

Wisdom from the Dom

In the course of being a dominant there are many tips and tricks one learns over the course of time and experience. The trial and error of many different techniques; finding out what works and what doesn't. The blog is dedicated to the little nuggets of wisdom I have picked up along the way and would like to pass them on to all of the fledgling Doms out there or anyone who is interested in being on. I commend you for being brave, number one, and number two, please feel free to leave comments to better the collective ideas of the post.

Being a Monitor:

Subspace is a completely different experience than any other for your sub. Personally, I have not ever been there, but I feel I can comment on what I have observed and questioned. This would qualify me in the way that a female sex therapist could explain a male's orgasm.

Your sub is in a strange, hazy sort of headspace that limits them to normal feelings and sensations. They tend to be more like obedient, little beings than real people and resemble those who are under hypnosis. They aren't aware of their physical status, but rather, are more in tune with their emotions and buried somewhere beneath them. This is why, it is your duty, to monitor your sub at all times. They may not be aware they are not breathing or have been hit too hard (to goal is to hurt, not damage) or that they need air immediately. Every year faithful subs meet their Maker, because some foolhardy Dom, who likely promised to love and protect them, was not vigilant in their sub's well-being.

I want to comment on the sub's limits, as well, because they may not realize their bodies are done for. There are several non-verbal indicators they need a rest and they include, but are not limited to: shaking, going limp, heavy breathing, thirst and a quick change in body temperature. If you have any medical training at all, you should notice these are the same signs and symptoms as shock. If these occur, back off, do damage control, and move on. It is nice for you to switch from mean or nasty to giving them pleasure. The contrast of switching will make the bad and good more intense.

Be careful for yourself:

Many avenues of BDSM can be dangerous not only for your sub, but also for you. Mine has written about the bloopers of which I am guilty. The one, which scarred me, literally, is a knife cut that occurred when I was cutting her out of zip ties. The zip ties are great, by the way! The slip on in a matter of seconds, making the subduing of your partner, so easy. However, the risk comes later, because they are hard to get out of, which leaves your sub vulnerable longer, and if you cut out of them you may stab yourself.

Knives are not the only dangerous thing we play with, but needles, electricity, blunt objects, and binding devices are all dangerous. So, be careful of your own sadistic actions!

Be creative:

As my sub mentioned in the Puppy play article, we are frugal people. This, in turn, causes for us to be very creative when it comes to toys and tools in the bedroom. For example, there are items available for purchase, which allow for you to tie the sub's hands above their heads using a doorjamb. I eliminated the need for this by tying the sub up with burn free rope and then tying a large knot about two feet away from her hands. I then put the knot above and over the other side of the door and shut it. Viola! A trapped, squirming sub was mine. Other ideas include, computer cords as restraints and Nail clippers or bamboo skewers may feel like a knife or needle if the sub is properly blindfolded. Use zip ties, instead of handcuffs. If you don't have a paddle, fly swatters, wooden spoons, and rulers are all great house items that double as instruments of torture.

Good luck out there and, as always, be safe!!!

By the way, we are in no way responsible for accidents that occur on your own time.

My Intro to Puppy Play


Puppy play is a new area for me, although one that's always been hot. There's something so repellent in the idea of being degraded into a subhuman entity, something so disgusting and wrong and humiliating that an activity that once grossed me out gradually began to turn me on.
My Dom and I had several hot talks about this very thing when I was living in France and phone BDSM was all we had. I suggested the idea, and slowly it became very hot. He would talk to me on the phone as we'd discuss all the terribly wrong things he could do to me to make me act like a dog.
Finally, we did it.
It wasn't a terribly intense scene; there were no cages or leashes or shock collars, no dog bowls engraved with "FIDO" and no peeing on a newspaper. Yet.
First, my Dom psyched me out by putting my hair into two pigtails. I assumed we were going to try our hand at Daddy/little girl play, so I was a little surprised when he came in with two of his long, fuzzy socks.
He subsequently tied both socks around my knees (a brilliant idea, by the way) and then tied a computer cord around my neck.
Of course, I hadn't been warmed up and I was no where near to sub space. I let him strip me off naked and tie the cord around me, but I refused to budge when he tried to lead me away. But my Dom is stronger than me, and the cord around my neck being pulled forced me into a crawling position, and eventually forced me to take several begrudging steps. Since he kept pulling, my choice was clear: be choked, or crawl forward. At first I stubbornly tried to stay still, but this only ended up in me coughing, gagging, and being forced to crawl a few steps forward. Once, I grabbed the cord with both hands and refused to budge, but all this did was make him pull me several feet across the hardwood floors (I wouldn't recommend this, as now I have a neck/back ache). Gradually, he choke/dragged me across the house and into the kitchen.
You don't have to own a lot of BDSM toys for puppy play to work, by the way. Of course, there are all sorts of BDSM toys you can buy for this type of play: leashes, collars, doggie ears, butt plugs that double as tails, cages, dog toys, even knee pads and fake paws gloves. But my Dom and I are big believers in the cheap, do-it-yourself BDSM scenes. While we do own a few vibrators and paddles, we generally stick to creative use of household items.
Some handy tips if ever you want to indulge in puppy play without investing in expensive gear:
  • rope or computer cord instead of a leash and collar
  • pigtails instead of fake doggie ears
  • thick socks instead of knee pads
  • regular bowls instead of dog food dishes
  • crumbled human food instead of dog food (humans shouldn't eat real dog food, anyway)
  • rolled up newspaper instead of a whip or paddle
Anyway, our play began, and boy, was I humiliated! Once I'd been dragged into the kitchen, I proceeded to bury my head in my hands. My Dom grabbed the nearest wooden spoon and spanked me until I started whining and protesting.
"Dogs don't talk," he reminded me, setting a bowl of water in front of me. "Now drink!"
Of course, I was about to die of humiliation. I thought I might actually start to cry, but I held it in. I refused to drink, no matter how much he spanked me, first with the wooden spoon and next with a rolled-up newspaper, yelling "Bad dog!" at me. Finally, he grabbed one of my pigtails and forced my head into the bowl. I had no choice, and so I drank.
Next, he tied my "leash" to the kitchen table and left me there with a bowl of crumbled up chocolate while he went to roll up another newspaper. Once I had finished my bowl of "dog food," he led me into the living room and forced me to fetch a pen he threw across the room. At first I started to cry and told him I couldn't (you might want to put a gag on your "puppy" if she won't stop talking), but eventually he spanked me so much I went, dragging my head and near sobs. I crawled across the floor and was instructed to pick the pen up with my mouth and bring it back. Once I dropped the pen at his feet, he petted me and rubbed me and told me, "Good dog!" while I cringed in abject misery and humiliation at his feet.
Although I was an unwilling puppy, my Master expected this. He kept a firm tone of voice and kept yelling at me, pulling me by my leash, or spanking me until he got what he wanted. Gradually, I became more and more obedient to his commands.
Finally, he lead a shaking, humiliated, and very turned on sub into the bedroom. He made me suck his big toe and jack him off to earn my freedom from "puppydom." Once I'd earned it, he released me from my bondage and rewarded me with lots of fingering and dildos. My pride and stubborness gone, I relished every second of it.
For me, what was so gratifying about this scene was the loss of control. Though I fought him, I was eventually forced to submit and act like a dog. He nearly brought me to tears, and this messed wonderfully with my mind.
For him, he found the power and control over me to be highly erotic. He likes breaking me, wearing me down, and ultimately triumphing over a strong woman. It makes him feel powerful and dominant, and so he enjoys our scenes like this.
If you'd like to try puppy (or kitty, or pony, or whatever) play, I suggest you play with household items before investing in expensive toys you may not even like. Once you've decided you like this fetish, you can buy the toys. Also, a choke collar is a great idea, but make sure not to drag your pet by the neck, as this causes neck and back problems or headaches. If you want to litter train or paper train your pet, expect a longer scene--and try to make them drink lots and lots of water before you play! Also, don't accept anything less than 100% obedience if you want your pet to obey you---my Dom caught me sneaking pieces of chocolate out of my bowl, and only hit me a few times with completely painless newspaper, and I also got away with quite a lot of "human" talking. A gag might work to stop your pet from talking if she refuses to obey your commands.
Once we were done, I was worn out and near sleep. He cuddled me and I dozed happily, safe and warm in my Dom's arms. *happy sigh*

5/20/2009

Genitorture


Genitorture.


May not sound fun, right? Yet the fetish of genital torture is often used in scenes. Whether you want to incorporate it into an interrogation scene, be the "Mean Domme" for once, or just hear your slave scream, some genitorture may be right for you.


Generally, just the phrase "genital torture" is going to get your sub's blood pumping and fear spiking. Genital torture is so popular because it inflicts pain on one of our most intimate, vulnerable places. The psychological aspect is also huge, since you are attacking a place of vulnerability and sexuality.


My advice is to start slowly. You don't want to cause too much pain to your sub, or bring on the pain too quickly. The best idea is to mix pain and pleasure. Of course, play with a safeword.


If your sub is a woman, consider a pussy whip or other light, stingy instrument. You don't want to use anything hard or thuddy on tender breasts or vulvas. A speculum is a great idea, since you can insert this into the vagina or anus and then widen the hole slowly. This is great both for visual humiliation and to keep the orfice held open while you torture it.


As for actual torture, consider using many clamps and clips of various sizes and materials. Plastic, wood, and metal clamps are all available... my Dom simply uses brightly-colored plastic clothes pins. Sometimes he pretends to close them and laughs at my reaction, other times he clamps them and watches me arch and moan, other times he clamps them and then squeezes them tighter with his fingers (ouch!), and sometimes he just leaves them on while I endure the pain. I've found on my nipples, these clamps are highly painful and make my breasts sore for days afterward, but they also heighten sensations of pleasure. On my clit, the clips don't hurt at all, but give a wonderful pressure that has been known to make me ejaculate with no other stimulation! My Dom will flick the clit clamp back and forth to enhance the sensation. And as an added bonus, our cats love them and use them as toys!


For more advance pussy torture, try light slapping and pussy whipping. Insert dildos and vibrators that are just a little bit too big. If you have a clit suction cup, use it on the labia and clitoris. Some people even use needles to pin the lips open or temporarily pierce the labia. Others clamp forceps on the inner lips and tie the forceps to a table, effectively splaying the inner lips.


Of course, as the Dom, you don't want to only provide your hapless sub with physical stimulation! As you torture her, talk to her. Describe what you are doing or going to do, chuckle sadistically to yourself, and exclaim over what you see and the pain you are inflicting. "I'm going to spread you with this speculum, my sweet.... ahhh, that hurts doesn't it??? Just a little more.... there, there, don't cry.... you look so deliciously HOT with your pussy spread open! And now I am going to stick this big, bad dildo in you til you cry for me to stop" is going to make your sub a lot hotter than if you cause all this pain in silence.


What if your sub is a boy? This type of genital torture is called Cock and Ball Torture, or CBT for short. There are lots of toys you can buy to help with CBT, such as cock restraints or weights you hang from the testicles. But you can still have lots of fun at home with no fancy store-bought toys.


Just like with women, you don't want to use heavy canes or paddles for CBT. Stick to a light slapper or single-tailed whip. This will cause lots of pain but no actual damage. Some brave souls even use catheters and insert all sorts of terrible things into a male sub's urethra (ouch!). Others paddle, punch, or strike the testicles. Some men enjoy ball-busting, which basically means you kick, punch, and stomp on his testicles. I don't understand it myself, but I've read accounts from men who said a Domme had them knocked on the ground in the fetal position, kicking and stomping on their balls with high-heeled shoes, and that they loved it!


If you want to keep it a little lighter, you can squeeze, knead, push, pull, massage, and slap the genital area. The mixture of pleasure and pain is sure to drive him crazy! You can also tie his balls up and pull on the string, or simply hang something heavy from them and gradually add to the weight.


When playing with genital torture, be safe! Play with safewords, discuss your activities beforehand, and have fun.

5/19/2009

Porn and the Christian BDSMer

In many BDSM communities, porn is 100% accepted. It is considered part of a natural, normal sex life where sexually active people believe they are biologically wired to need sex often, from multiple partners, with porn and masturbation as an aid, and with an assortment of fantasies to help it along.

I don't believe this is the way sex has to be. I don't even believe it is the way sex was meant to be. I may be a minority here, but if the Bible is any guide to history, minorities are often in the right. Just look at Lot in Sodom, Joseph and Nicodemus among the Jewish leaders who crucified Jesus, the three men in the book of Daniel who stay strong and are thrown into a furnace, and even Jesus himself. In short, popular wisdom is not always correct.

Most sex manuals today will say that masturbation and porn are a normal part of a healthy sex life. I say they're not. I say the most vibrant, healthy, lovemaking, spiritual, toe-curling, loving, bonding, sexually satisfying relationships are those enjoyed by two married, faithful people who only look to each for satisfaction.

Here is my response to the "convential wisdom" that says Christian BDSMers need to look at porn.


  1. Men are biologically hardwired to need more sex than women.


    My answer: While most studies claim men have a higher sex drive, there are a few studies who insist this isn't true at all, but only a myth society has convinced both men and women. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthromorphist, says, "Both sexes have a high sex drive, but they express it differently" (source). WebMD says that while men do have a higher libido than women, this is because women's sex drives are more complex and also more affected by cultural factors (source). Also, sex drive varies by age. Men reach their sexual peak at a younger age, normally 18-22, and it starts to decline about the time they hit 35-40. Ironically, many women hit their sexual peak at 35-40 (source). So while a married couple in their late 20s may find the man biologicaly craves more sex, the same couple is going to find the woman has a higher sex drive when they are in their 40s.
  2. Men need the visual stimulation of porn.


    My answer: Yes, men in general tend to be more visual, but this doesn't mean they need porn. I know many men, Christian and not, who abstain from both porn and masturbation and have happy, fulfilling sex lives. And if they need visuals, their wife is their own visual treat: undressing, dressing, showering, sunbathing, sleeping, or dressing up in a nice evening gown. If this doesn't do it, married couples can make their own sexy collection, just starring them and made for an audience of them! Cameras, webcams, and video cameras can be the start of some wonderful visual sexiness just for the two spouses to share, without ever looking at strange porn stars in mass-produced photos or films.
  3. Porn isn't a sin because it isn't mentioned as one in the Bible.


    My answer:
    Lots of things aren't mentioned in the Bible because they were not an issue at the time, or not an issue God chose to address, but that doesn't make them okay. The Bible is a set of stories and guidelines for Christians, not an exhaustive list of every single thing we should and shouldn't do. In cases such as pornography, polygamy, abortion, BDSM, and birth control, where the Bible does not specifically mention them by name or give guidance, a Christian must lean on the teachings of the Church, tradition, prayer, and an understanding of related Biblical principles.

    While the word "pornography" is not found in the Bible, the word "sexual immorality" is! The Bible is clear on guidelines toward sex. We are to enjoy sex only within marriage, for Hebrews 13:4 says "Let the marriage bed be undefiled." Proverbs 5:17-26 has a beautiful verse on the joys of married sex, and warns "Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you." In Matthew 5:27-30, Jesus makes it clear that even to look lustfully at a woman is the same as adultery. Not only the action, but also the thought, is the sin. If looking at and thinking about someone other than your spouse in a sexual manner is adultery, then porn is adultery. Fantasizing about Angelina Jolie or your ex-boyfriend is adultery. And adultery is a sin worthy of death (Leviticus 20:10).
    For more information on the God's Word as it pertains to sex, adultery, and porn, see here.
  4. Porn is okay as long as it doesn't lead you into sin, such as an addiction or unhealthy, sinful desires.

    My answer: This is one I see used by many Christians. The sad truth is, it doesn't matter if you feel it is "okay" as long as it doesn't lead you into sin. Many Christians using porn tell me porn is an area to be careful in, because it can lead to fantasies, addiction, sinful desires, lust, and others, but isn't necessarily bad as long as they're careful. In my opinion, this is not Biblical. God never says to flirt with sin is okay as long as we don't get too into it. He never says to go ahead and have fun as long as we don't take it "too far." 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to "flee sexual immorality." Not walk, not run, not flirt with it, not dabble in it until it's too far, to flee. Besides, are you setting a good example by looking at porn? Leading a godly lifestyle? Keeping the gift of sex sacred to you and your spouse? Spending your money on godly pursuits that will benefit the Kingdom? Nope.

    To take it a step farther, I charge that those who say porn has the potential to be a sin are fooling themselves. I believe porn is a sin. If looking at another person lustfully is a sin, then porn counts. There is no way around it. Some people may say they feel okay when they and their spouse watch porn together, to help their sex life, or that they don't feel it causes them a temptation and so it is not a sin. Others say they don't have a problem with it and don't feel guilty. But our own feelings about the morality of porn are not important; God commands us to flee sexuality outside of marriage and to avoid looking lustfully at anyone but our spouse. This leaves no room for porn in a Christian's life.
  5. Porn isn't cheating because a spouse is not actually having sex with someone else.

    My answer: I'll go back to Matthew 5:27-30. Contrary to human rationale, looking at pornography is cheating. Jesus states quite clearly that lustful glances and thoughts are just another form of adultery. In a marriage, the husband and wife have promised to love each to the exclusion of all others. They promise to remain faithful body, heart, mind, and soul. God upholds the sacredness of marriage by insisting spouses reserve their sexuality solely for each other. A spouse who looks at pornographic pictures or films may not be cheating with her body, but she is certainly cheating with her mind.

    What is the Bible's answer for this? The passage continues by telling believers whether their eyes or hands are causing the sexual sin (i.e. whether it's something you're viewing or something you're touching physically), to get rid of the problem. Are you attracted to a friend? Only be around that person in public places. Are you aroused by pictures of women in bathing suits? Don't look at those sites. Are you addicted to porn? Set parental controls on your computer and tv and throw away the code.

Please don't misunderstand me. All people sin and fall short of the glory of God. Looking at porn does not mean God hates you or you are a terrible person. It does mean that you are sinning and you need to get right with God. This simply required repentance and change.

If you have tried to stop looking at porn and cannot, click here for help with a porn addiction.

If you have a spouse or loved one who has a problem with pornography, click here for support.

Sex can be joyous and sacred, hot and dirty, and still Godly, without pornography. As always, good luck and God bless!

For more resources on pornography addiction, support to help rid your life of porn, and testimonies from loved ones whose marriages have been torn apart by pornography, see the links below:

Software that finds and deletes porn on your computer

About porn addiction

New Life Habits porn recovery

Message boards and support for porn overuse

Dateline info on sexual compulsions

Site for wives/girlfriends of male porn addicts

Tips to break your own porn addiction

5/15/2009

Review: Expert Guide to Oral Sex video


Last night I watched my very first instructional video on cunnilingus. The video, "Expert Guide to Oral Sex, part one: Cunnilingus" is one of Babeland's video series on oral sex. It is led by Tristan Taormino, a well-known "sexpert", author, porn director, and speaker.

In the end, I was disappointed with the video because I wanted more actual tips and less video of people doing it.

I was eager to get some advice on cunnilingus since this is an area of our sex life that has gone downhill in recent months. At the beginning, oral sex was good because it was new, exciting, and fresh, but once I got used to having it, it got boring. So I was excited to get some tips that we could use to share and explore.


At first, I thought the guide was a book. I thought it would be pretty sweet to order a book full of oral sex tips, but I figured out as soon as I went to Babeland's site that it was a video. Well, that was okay, so I went ahead and ordered it.

My Dom's first question when he opened the mail was, "Did you order porn?"

I was a little taken aback. I told him no, and he said, "Well, you just got a video that says something about 'Extra girl-on-girl scene!'"

I finally had a chance to open the video last night. My Dom was uncomfortable watching it, so he just listened. I went ahead and watched. Luckily, the video gives you menu options, so I just skipped right over the videos of different couples having oral sex on camera and went straight to the Cunnilingus Workshop section. Here, Tristan Taormino is giving a live presentation with a female actress to a group of people who ask questions and observe her working. She gives lots of good tips for oral sex (don't go straight for the clit, different techniques my Dom had never thought of, etc.) and some rather common sense onces (different positions for oral sex).

Overall, I did learn a lot. But I'd have preferred to get the same information without watching Tristan Taormino actually perform oral sex on this actress while she was doing it. I know my anti-porn stance puts me at odds with many in the BDSM world (and hey, with many in the real world!) but that's what works for my Dom, me, and our morals and faith.

Needless to say, we didn't watch the scenes of other couples trying out the techniques in the video. We also skipped the part labeled "Bonus girl-on-girl scene!" We watched it for the techniques, and we did get some good tips.

The video, aside from a section on positions, techniques, and using toys, also includes chapters on safe sex techniques and how to use toys to enhance oral sex.

The tips given in it are good tips, but I'd still have preferred a book. The Guide to Oral Sex video was $35, while the book Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus is only $14.95 and focuses much more on actual techniques and less on visually stimulating presentations. So I'd say skip the video and buy the book. I know I am now dying to read that book, so it will soon by on my order list!

5/12/2009

Computer Cords for Bondage


My Dom and I have been playing with bondage a lot. While he likes to use his hands to hold me down, I adore the feeling of being bound. The more the better! For me, being tied up, handcuffed, hogtied, gagged, or whatever means that I am relieved of the responsibility to "fight" him and I can just lie there, passive and still, waiting for the next blow.
We use our bondage rope, which is wonderful. Bondage rope is cheap (about 6 bucks online) and made specifically to not chafe against soft skin. It is great for those times you want to writhe and pull but not have ropeburn from it later.
But two nights ago my Dom discovered computer cords. This was because the bondage rope was in another room and he needed a quick way to tie up my feet.
He'd already bound my hands with the soft leather handcuffs we own. Since he wanted to spank me some, he also needed to bind my ankles so I could not throw my feet up and over my bottom (a favorite trick of mine when the pain gets too bad). Hurrying to find something to tie me with, he grabbed some computer cords and quickly bound my feet.
You'd think it wouldn't work, but it did. Not only did the cords hold firmly against my struggles, but they hurt! I quickly learned not to pull too hard against them or the cords bit into my ankles.
My Dom hogtied me in a horrible position. Either my legs or my arms were pulled too tightly, which I think is exactly what he wanted. I wasn't exactly in pain, but I wasn't comfortable, either! Then he stuck a vibrator between my legs and watched my poor, bound body arch and shudder with impending orgasms. It was delicious. For me, it was even better, because every time I came, my arching caused pain from the cords around my ankles, heightening and intensifying the orgasm. You want to come? Then hurt.
And come I did. Again, and again, and again. Begging him to hit me, moaning like a whore, and begging him to call me names. And he did. He called me names that made me moan gutterally with pleasure and hit my face harder than ever before. Because my pain tolerance was shooting through the roof, the blows didn't hurt, but only stang with a wonderful sense of ownership. I writhed and arched and hurt and came and moaned and hurt and came again.
Through it all, the computer cords held firm.
I definitely recommend it.

Needing BDSM to Feel Happy

The strangest thing has been happening to me lately.

I'm a submissive sexually. I try not to use terms like "I have a submissive nature" or "I'm a true submissive," because frankly I know several darn good subs who do NOT have a submissive nature at all! But I am definitely a sub in the bedroom. This doesn't mean I don't want my own needs met or that I just fall on the floor and serve him, but rather that I have a deep need to be dominated, hurt, controlled, and humiliated in order to enjoy sex.

I've always been a sub sexually. Even before I knew what a sub was, I had fantasies about being raped by strong men--and liking it. I loved it when a guy would push me against the wall while kissing me or press his weight down on me while making out. It totally got me hot when my boyfriends would hold my wrists over my head while we were kissing.

Looking back, I've had these inclinations since I was 15.... or, more accurately, since my sex drive came into play! I wasn't having sex with my boyfriends (I was raised Christian) in high school, but I was encouraged by my parents to explore kissing and making out and not feel ashamed of my sexuality. I was lucky to have Christian parents who encouraged me to keep sex special inside a marriage, but were open and positive about my sexuality as a teen.

Luckily for me, my Dom and I started playing around with this. Some slaps in the bedroom, a little name calling, etc. Usually I would request it and he would happily oblige. We'd talk about it later, and gradually as we talked we realized our fantasies went deeper than just a few slaps and calling me a bitch now and then. I started doing the research and realized there was a name for what we did, and it was called BDSM. I further realized there were a lot of really hot and nasty things we could add to our repertoire!

But I digress. My point was, I've always been submissive sexually. But that has pretty much been limited to the bedroom.

I'm not a submissive in my vanilla life. Just ask my Dom! I am a proud, educated, independent woman. In my job I take a leadership role and expect to be obeyed. In my life, I am a control freak and very anxious about everything. It is difficult for me to stand back and let my Dom lead me like the Bible commands in Ephesians 5:25.

But lately, I've realized I need that leadership and guidance. I need to feel dominated in a safe, loving, secure way. I need to feel small and helpless, like a little girl or a dirty whore or an evil slut, but in all cases helpless under the control and leadership of a strong, virile man.

In other words, BDSM makes me happy.

My Dom and I have noticed that I tend to try to lead in our vanilla life, but the result is a stressed, anxious, worried, antsy, unhappy sub. I resent him for letting me lead and being passive, I resent the world for being so darn difficult to handle, and I hurt inside from all the negative emotions I feel. Can I lead? Sure. Do I want to lead in my inner, inner, inner heart? Nope.

Let's consider the Biblical passage of Ephesians 5:23-24. Christian or not, literal or not, I believe the Bible contains some basic wisdom for everyone. Here is the verse:
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...
Now as the church submits to Chris, so also wives should submit to their
husbands in everything.

Luckily for me, my Dom takes this verse very seriously. He does not insist on being right, on having his way, or on being served. He takes it quite literally. If he is the symbol of Christ and I am the symbol of the church, to him that means he leads me, he serves me, he gives up everything for me.... just like Christ did the church. So many men will see this verse and say, "Ah-ha! She must obey me!" and while this has merit, my Dom believes Christ never forced anyone to follow him. Jesus won people over with love and servanthood, and so my Dom leads me by example and by prayerful leadership.

This makes it easier to slowly give up control and trust him in life.

No, I'm not perfect at it, and neither is he, but slowly I'm learning to let him lead me and give up the control. BDSM is helping!

BDSM is, for me, a way to re-center our relationship. As we go about our vanilla lives, working, playing, gardening, driving, shopping, cooking, playing with our cats, it's easy to forget who is the leader and who is the follower. Eventually, I start taking over or he starts backing off. Our life gets out of wack and off-center, so to speak.

BDSM puts it back in line. It is difficult for me to feel anything but submissive when he is above me, spanking me til I scream, slapping me in the face, making me come and forcing me to beg while I do, or calling me his dirty little whore and owning me completely. Afterward, I will smile and curl up happily on his shoulder. I am weak, exhausted, dominated, and happy. He feels strong and empowered. We go back to our lives, but something has changed. We are back on center. We are back on track. We've stepped into our rightful roles again. Ephesians 5 can be lived out in our household.

Does everyone need to experience BDSM in order to live out Ephesians 5? Absolutely not! Would some Christians be horrified that he beats and berates me into submission? You bet. But the point is, I crave it. I need it, I love it, and I want it. Moreover, he wants to give it to me. He sees the change it brings to me. He sees how afterward, I curl up on him like a little girl and fall into a deep, happy sleep. He sees how the worries and cares of the world are lifted off me and how I grow into a happier, less anxious woman because of it. Suddenly, the responsibility is lifted off my shoulders, and I am free to be the woman God created me to be! It is a wonderful, freeing feeling.

5/05/2009

How to Tell When Your Sub Has Had Too Much

When you are the Dom, top, Mistress, Mommy, or Trainer in a relationship, you are in charge of your sub's safety and wellbeing. It is your happy job to push them to and past their limits, but just far enough that at the end, they collapse in relief and thank you later. When my Dom does this, we both note how he'll have a happy sub for days! I walk around dreamily, wanting to be close to him, complimenting his hard work in our scene, and generally feeling at peace with my world.

It's one of the only times I feel that peace.

But how do you tell when your sub is pushing his limits in a good way and when he is reaching his limits in a bad way?

Of course, the safeword is essential. But you can't always rely on it. Sometimes as a sub, I get too emotional, too wrapped up in my own head, too incoherent, too embarrassed, or simply too stubborn to admit when I'm reaching the end of my rope. I don't want to admit I might have human weaknesses, I don't want to make him feel bad for whatever he's doing, and so I don't safeword.

Luckily, there are other ways to tell when your sub is reaching his limits.

If you think your sub might be unwilling to safeword for whatever reason, a good idea is to ask him verbally. Make sure you get a verbal response in return.

Here's why. Sometimes my Dom will notice I'm seeming to get scared and withdrawn in a bad way. Even though I haven't safeworded, he'll back off and ask me sincerely, "Are you all right?" or "Is anything wrong?" And of course, although I know it's ridiculous, I'm too embarrassed and prideful to admit anything is wrong, so I just nod my head that everything is fine. This is why you must get a verbal response! And there's another reason. A sub in subspace is feeling floaty and emotional, and so even verbose, non-stop talkers like me will get incoherent and dreamy. Questions that would normally get a full paragraph answer from me, during scenes will just illicit a dreamy "Mmmm-hmmm." So if you think your sub might be reaching a bad place, mentally or physically, you must make him come out of subspace enough to answer you with words. "Yes, I am fine," or "Please keep going" are short and simple, but effective. Insist on a worded answer to your inquiries about his emotional and physical health during your scene.

Another way to tell is by the sounds and body language of your sub. Sure, even in a scene that's going great, your sub might be screaming "Nooo!" and pushing you away, or looking at you in wide-eyed fright, but a happy sub will still be moaning, biting his lip, and looking all sorts of turned on. If you back away, the sub will reach out for you and look disappointed, or maybe watch you, hoping for more. A sub who is getting genuinely scared or hurt will tense up and "freeze" and start to sound panicked as they scream or beg. In this case, when you back up you will get no response or indication they want you to keep going. It's time to pause and check to see what went wrong!

A sub who's had too much physically, even while enjoying the scene immensely, will show some physical symptoms. My Dom often knows before I do when I am reaching my physical limits, even when I am truly enjoying a scene. He says my body language will change, and my body will start to look tired. One key he looks for is when muscles start quivering. As an Army sargeant, he says he can tell when his soldiers are starting to reach the end of their physical endurance because they will slow, and their arms or legs will shake--signs the body is straining to keep up. In a scene last week, he tied me to the door and hit me repeatedly with a slapper, and eventually he said he saw my legs starting to quiver. Although I was not even aware of it, he could tell my body was reaching its limits and it was time to move on to an activity that was a little less stressful on my body.

Of course, if you have questions about your sub's endurance, ask! You'll find that you'll learn more as you play together, and begin to recognize the signs. You'll also learn from your mistakes, and that just helps you grow into a better and more experienced Dom. Enjoy the learning experience!

5/03/2009

Good Idea for Rape Play

A lot of people really enjoy the idea of ravishment, being overpowered and taken roughly. Or maybe they want to be overpowered and then gradually find themselves getting wet/hard, enjoying it against their own will, and eventually orgasming, to their own great shame. Or perhaps they grab their partner, wrestle them down, pin their hands to the wall, and take them savagely.

No matter what your fantasy is, if it's along these lines, ravishment fantasies are probably something you'd enjoy! People call it rape play, ravishment fantasies, rape fantasies, a whole host of things. It basically means you like the idea of coercion, force, power play, struggle, mental and physical domination, and other yummy things incorporated into your sex life.

Of course, having these fantasies (having them done to you or doing them to your partner) doesn't mean you actually want to rape someone you love (or be raped). It means you like the idea, and pretending to have a scene where you "rape" your consenting partner will probably be hot for both of you!

Well, here's an idea that's easy to put into play:


The other day, my Dom woke me up from a happy 3-hour nap by tying me roughly to the bed and then having his way with me.

I was asleep, and he got up slowly and carefully, watching to make sure I didn't stir. I didn't. He crept into the other room and got out our bondage rope, some toys, and some vibrators. Then he took my hand and, without speaking to me, began to tie me to the bed posts.

I was groggy and it took me a while to react. "What are you doing?" I asked him sleepily. He did not respond, but simply went to the other side of the bed and kept tying me up. Both wrists were tied to the bedposts. Then my ankles were tied loosely to the bedposts at the foot of the bed. I began to slowly wake up, excited and afraid of what would come.

My Dom surprised me with a great scene! The tying up was followed by hitting and slapping, grinding on me til he came, rubbing the cum on me because he knows I hate to be sticky, and then whipping me with a slapper til I was writhing and moaning and begging him to stop. I kept turning away from the blows as much as the ropes would let me, which wasn't much, and letting out these awful wails as the slapper struck me again and again. I had welts afterward!

He was on a total power high, laughing at my protests and hitting harder. He slapped my face repeatedly, knowing this pushes my limits, called me dirty names, and made me beg for things. Grand finale was my fave rabbit vibe and a good orgasm!

WHEW! Our sex life has been on the rocks lately, I haven't been as interested in sex, but I have to say-----rape from being woken up was HOT. It made me feel more out of it, confused, and groggy.... took a while to figure out what was happening, and also I was hornier because my 'mind' hadn't kicked in yet!

Awesome idea for those would-be rapists who haven't tried it yet!