The Other Morning

The other morning, my Dom fingered me---against my will---from behind. With his thumb.

Apparently this was just his way of making me feel owned and conquered before he went off the work for the day and I drifted back to sleep in our bed.

The thing about fingering with the thumb is that 1. it can feel great and 2. it can hurt. It all depends on the desires and abilities of the one doing the fingering.

The pros of using your thumb? It's shorter, so you don't get any painful fingers jamming into your poor, abused cervix. Also, the curve fits nicely into the curves of a woman's body, providing pleasurable pressure and hitting the G-spot.

The cons are that the thumb can be blunt and painful when jammed in the wrong way. Also, as with any fingering, having nails that are not meticulously trimmed can really scrape up a woman's vaginal walls. And trust me, fellas, the after-sting from untrimmed nails is not a good feeling. She'll be thinking about you all day, but it won't be in a good way.

Is this new morning wake-up just a one-time fancy of my husband's, or is this indicative of a sexual pattern he is going to start in our relationship?

I don't know, but I loved it, even when I hated it. And I hated it, even when I loved it. And then, exhausted, sore, and used, I fell back into the peaceful sleep of a woman much loved.

The Art of Fingering a Woman

Warning: these pictures are not work-safe!



By the time you're an adult, chances are you've fingered a woman. Chances are you've even made one come by fingering. But unless you're consistently making her come with your fingering skills (I mean every time!), you still have some things to learn. Regular orgasms are just as natural to women as to men; getting there just isn't as obvious. And the sad truth is, anybody can make a girl come every once in a while; random rubbing around a sensitive area will do that. Unless she is coming about 98% of the time (I wish!), this article is for you.



William Martin's Hand Jobs for Women gave me some great ideas for this article, and will give you some helpful pointers from a man's point of view, so check out his article, too!

I don't want to be mean, but let's start with a reality check. Most guys seems to feel quite okay with themselves if they can get the woman to come at all. Never mind that they aren't even giving her an orgasm 50% of the time. Society has lied to you, telling you that women don't always come and you are not expected to deliver orgasms. But vibrators have proved society wrong. If women can come 100% of the time with their vibrators (and we can!), then they can come 100% of the time with their partners. Of course you should allow for the same issues that plague men: stress, fatigue, not feeling close to your partner, and illness can make for a no-show orgasm day, but if your lady isn't orgasming about 98% of the time, you've got a lot of work to do. She may not even know she can orgasm that much, but she can. She may tell you she doesn't mind if she doesn't come, and she enjoys it anyway (and this is true), but the truth is, we would prefer if you could give us orgasms consistently. Women have been on the losing end of orgasms for too long, and it is time to fix that. A good rule of thumb is: if she doesn't come, you don't come. That will motivate you to really pleasure your lady. :)


So the sad news is, guys, if you are giving her orgasms occasionally, but without any discernible pattern or regularity... you haven't figured out how to please her yet.


And I can attest personally that, if I go too long without being given an orgasm, I get resentful....grouchy....irritable...and then lose interest in sex. No one wins.


So how do you finger a woman? First, you stop concentrating on the clit and the G-spot so much. These get boring and overly sensitive. You might also want to see my posts, "The Art of Seducing a Woman" and "Giving a Woman an Orgasm...Without Touching Her." They will show you how to turn on a woman the way a woman wants to be turned on, and make your job much easier before you get to the actual fingering.



Of course, your fingernails should be trimmed down short, all rough edges filed away, and your nails and hands should be just-washed with hot, soapy water for 60 seconds! Any hangnails or rough edges should be gone. You don't want to scratch her or let invisible dirt beneath your nails inside her; I've gotten an ovarian cyst that way and it was unimaginably painful. Wash and trim your hands before you ever put your fingers inside your lady!

To begin fingering, start with the mons pubis. This is often called the "Mound," and is the skin at the bottom of her stomach, right before the clitoral hood and vulva are visible. Most men don't realize this, but the mons pubis is one of the most pleasurable places to be touched. Being stroked, massaged, and simply held there will turn me on much better than by trying to tease my thighs and clit, which rather bores me.





Try massaging slowly down, from the top of her pubic hair to the bottom. Then try stroking the area, rubbing her with your fingers, and massaging the skin. Try rubbing at different speeds and intensities to see how she responds. If you get no response, or a slight puckering of the face/frown between the eyebrows, she's getting bored. If she inhales quickly and arches her back, keep doing that again. Once she relaxes, you've done it too much and the area is no longer sensitive: move on to something else, but come back in a few moments to try it again.

Another great trick is to just press your palm firmly into her. Cupping your hand, cup her vulva and mons pubis in your hand. This pressure feels fantastic, and you don't need to do anything; we will probably start to rock against you if it feels good! Once the rocking gets really turned on, you might want to start pushing slightly against her thrusts, meeting her as she thrusts, for some extra sensation for her, but more sensitive ladies will just prefer you cup them firmly without moving.

My favorite place to have my clit stimulated is actually through the mons pubis. It feels wonderful there, right before your fingers leave my mound and touch the clitoral hood! But sadly, this doesn't occur to men. They want to stroke the clit or hood. However, by stroking the lowest, fattiest part of her mound, rolling it between your fingers, and pinching it softly, you are stimulating her clitoris indirectly, and it feels heavenly. You could probably keep doing this to me all day without me ever getting bored.



How do you know when to move on from the mons pubis? When your lady is arching her back in frustration, obviously trying to maneuver her body so your fingers touch her clitoral hood. Once she's done this for a few minutes, you know it's time to move on.



Stroking her clitoral hood will bring many woman to orgasm. You can try circular motions, shaking, vibrating, lightly pinching, and rolling the skin between your fingers. Just keep trying new things and see what she likes. Once again, pay attention to her body language. We're never mean enough to say, "I don't like that, you're boring me," but we can't help our body language. A woman who is biting her lip may be turned on, but she may also be frustrated and getting bored. If the lip-biting is accompanied by a pursued mouth, scrunched forehead, or frown, she's frustrated; this means you either aren't pleasing her yet, or you just did something that felt fantastic and then moved on too quickly. If she seems to be concentrating or frowning, she is getting less turned on, and you should ask her what feels good or ask her to show you. If she doesn't get too embarrassed, have her show you herself what feels good (but I find this too embarrassing and don't like it, so don't force them!).



Below the clitoral hood are the labia majora and labia minora. Her outer lips will be sensitive to stroking, massaging, light pinching, and rolling between your fingers. Her inner lips will become more erect as she gets turned on, and slightly moist as she gets wet. Try stroking them, first up-to-down, and then later try down-to-up, but never both together or you just get repetitive. Try rolling the inner lips between your fingers or tugging on them lightly. And possible the most sexy thing you can do is take your fingers and spread them apart. This is the universal signal for "I'm about to enter you" and it will excite your lover immensely!! If she loves it, gently place her lips back in place and do it again...and again... and again. Eventually she will be thrusting against you in impatience, longing to feel you inside her.



You can try spreading her lips apart with your thumb and middle finger, then slowly inserting your index finger. Or try holding her lips apart with one hand while you slowly insert a finger of the other hand. Few things feel more vulnerable and sexy than having your lips held open as someone enters you, whether it is with a finger, toy, mouth, or cock. Remember this move and do it often!



If you want to go inside her vagina, do it slowly. You can tell she's ready when she is thrusting against you. Make her go slowly; gently press one palm flat against her stomach so she quits thrusting as you enter her slowly. It is best not to plunge straight in, but enter gradually; slowly trace circles around her vaginal opening, eventually slipping the circles gently inside her. This is an incredibly sensitive area, and having a finger tracing gentle circles just inside your vagina feels fantastic. Don't rush inside to the G-spot, enjoy the sensations you're giving her right here, at the opening and just inside the vagina!



Reading her body language and thrusting to gauge when she wants you to enter further, slowly inch inside her, feeling her every inch of the way. The entire vaginal wall in the first several inches is filled with nerve endings and will feel pleasure from being touched, stroked, rubbed, and vibrated. If you feel her G-spot, rub it softly and see how she responds.



Websites will tell you the back 1/3 of the vagina has barely any nerve endings, and this is true, but that doesn't mean you should ignore it! The first 2/3 is more sensitive to touch; the back 1/3 is more sensitive to pressure! Press firmly and stroke her walls; see how she responds. I love to have firm, strong strokes and lots of pressure inside me. If your fingers are long enough to touch her cervix, try feeling it and thrusting against it. If they're not, use a toy or put her on her back with her knees held to her chest to shorten the vaginal canal. Many women aren't even aware this type of orgasm exists, but women can have a very strong, emotional uterine orgasm from having their vagina, cervix, and uterus (indirectly through the cervix) forcefully thrusted against.

When you are ready to go out, slide out slowly; the feeling around the inner vaginal entrance is sublime as things slip in and out. Try this several times, hitting her with your knuckles, if she likes it.

If she likes finger fucking or pain, once she is hot and ready is the time to start screwing her hard with your hand. It will probably hurt, both from your finger jamming into her vaginal wall and from your knuckles and fist slamming into her vulva; she will be bruised later. But if she is into this kind of BDSM, she may really like it: she either gets off from the pain, or gets off on being punished or used by you! The idea that my Dom wants to hurt me and be cruel to me is very exciting and sexy!



Moving on down, once you are done with the lips and vagina, you are left with the perineum. This muscley area between the vulva and anus is actually sensitive to touch, stroking, and firm pressure just like a man's is. Try pressing a finger or bent knuckle firmly into her skin, or try giving her perineum pressure with one finger or hand as you stimulate her vagina with the other.



Hopefully you realize that fingering is more than just turning her on and stimulating her clit and G-spot. Many men don't. Think of fingering her vulva as going to a buffet---you have an endless and varied list of delicacies to try, so don't just pick two and stick with it. A woman's vulva is a unique, interconnected mass of nerve endings and pleasure, much more complex than a man's penis, so it is okay to feel confused. Just experiment with different strokes, pressures, and touches, and if something works, remember it for next time but don't stay on any one thing for too long. Before long, you will be an orgasm-giving machine!

Good luck.

Giving a Woman an Orgasm... Without Touching Her

One of the great arts of being a man in a relationship with a woman is being able to bring her to orgasm without touching her. Women are amazing, delicate creatures who can be brought to orgasm again and again with little or no touching. If you can master this technique--and not just once but again and again--you will be a true lover's artist.

A great place to start is the nipples. Most women will get aroused from having their nipples touched. If they don't, you are probably doing it incorrectly--too hard, too fast, not enough variation, too much sucking, not enough subtlety, too boring. Men sometimes want to treat breasts and vulvas as though they were a penis, and this never works.

Some women, if you massage their nipples correctly, can orgasm and ejaculate simply from having their nipples touched! Sadly, it's been over a year since anyone has been able to do that to me.... :( but it's possible. The trick is to work slowly and gently, using circular motions with your thumbs. You want to use your hands more than your mouth, and your thumbs more than your fingers. But of course, you want to use a little bit of all three to change it up.

My advice is to slowly and tenderly turn her on by stroking her breasts and teasing the nipples. When you get her really turned on, arching her back for you to touch her nipples, start lightly brushing past them, almost by accident. She will start moaning and arching her back more. Eventually, you can slowly start working her nipples. I've found it best to use thumbs in a circular motion, with some light sucking, pinching, and rolling between your fingers every once in a while--but only for a brief second before you return to circles (one lick or suck, then go back to thumbs!).

Nipples will eventually get sore, so about every 5 minutes, switch breasts. This keeps the breasts highly sensitive to your touch; she will be longing for you to touch the other long before you actually do. Eventually, the sensations in her nipples will make her clit tight. You are on the right path!

A woman who's enjoying the sensuality of a wonderful nipple massage will be relaxed, almost fluid, and completely calm, lost in the sensations you're giving her. A woman who is trying to enjoy it, but you are doing too much or too little, will show signs of losing her dazed relaxation: she may frown a tiny frown, twitch or flutter slightly, purse her lips, scrunch her face, bite her lip, sigh slightly, or try to maneuver her breasts under you for better access. These are not the signs of a turned on woman, but one who is trying to get lost in the wonderful, dazed relaxation of a nipple massage but is being brought back to reality by nagging gaps in technique.

So watch her, and be aware of her reaction. When you have a woman who is lying, sublime and relaxed on her back, eyes closed, deep, even breathing, looking peacefully asleep and slightly dreamlike, you are doing the right thing.

If your woman is where you want her, congratulations. Even seeming half-asleep and dreamy, she is still aware of you and your reactions. You are playing an important part in turning her on! Make sure that you match her dreamy state: move slowly and fluidly, with no sudden, jerky movements. Keep your breathing deep and slow; this will relax her even more. Touch her lightly and softly. Don't talk much or make many noises; when you do talk, it should be low and seductive, speaking to her in a calm, soothing voice. Take this time to enjoy your spouse, keeping your breathing deep and even so she can hear it, enjoying her relaxed body being sensuously aroused beneath your loving hands.

Keep gently massaging her nipples. Eventually, try massaging both at the same time, or suckling one while massaging the other. The key here is suckling, not sucking. Suckling means you are making tiny breastfeeding motions with your tongue and mouth, like a baby. It is faster, lighter, and more rthymic than your average grown male sucking on nipples, which actually doesn't feel that great. Fast and light does the trick!

Eventually, if you do this right and give her small two-second breaks to kiss her stomach, cup her breasts, or roll her nipples gently between your thumb and forefinger, you will get her clit really tight. If you go long enough, she can orgasm and ejaculate multiple times as you keep teasing her body into ecstasy. The trick is to give her no clitoral or vaginal stimulation at all; nipple teasing is so light and slow that touching her with your hand or pushing your leg up into her vulva will be too firm and ruin all your hard, slow work.

If she can't orgasm from nipples alone, you have at least spent a good hour or two making her clit aching and tight. Now you can put your hand between her legs and skim above her vaginal opening and clit. Don't actually touch her. You want to make her think you are going to stroke her, and stroke an imaginary line about a quarter of a centimeter away from her body. Her sensitive vulva will be able to feel the heat and air from your finger. Keep slowly "stroking" her without touching her, making long, straight, slow lines upwards from the base of the vaginal opening to the top of the clit. Don't stroke both ways, or you will give her too much sensation; stick with bottom-to-top stroking. If she comes, great!

Your next step is to give her a short break. You want this to be between 2 and 4 seconds, but not longer. This lets the anticipation build, without waiting too long and killing the mood. Take your hand out of her underwear, then slowly start the whole process again. You will be able to tell if you're turning her on. Start the imaginary strokes again. Do 1-4, depending on whether or not she's coming and how much she likes it, and then remove your hand to give her a short break.

For me, the most sexy part that gets me closest to coming is the anticpation of the hand going inside my underwear and passing my mons pubis. So if this doesn't make me come, it is best to stick to one imaginary stroke, then back up and try again. Once you make me come, you can do 3 or four strokes to let me enjoy it before going back up and entering again. But often, for me, the action that gets me closest to coming is when I know my lover is about to reach his hand down my legs, not the actual rubbing of my clit or G-spot. It is the anticipation that works, not the fulfillment, so keep reaching down between her legs again and again, slow and steady, until she is fully aroused and aching.

If you do not bring her to orgasm without touch the first time, you will have still spent a very pleasurable few hours bonding... so this is always time well spent. And if you do, and can learn to repeat this strategy effectively, you will be her own personal hero, a king bearing gifts of relaxation and love, a lover slowly teasing her to the brink of orgasm.

And that can never be a bad thing.

Anal Fingering for the Beginner

Anal activity is a difficult thing to ease into for many people, but it is a popular BDSM and vanilla activity! Anal sex can be intimidating for anal beginners, so this blog is about how to ease into it: with a finger or small sex toy. Anal can be pleasurable for either sex, as well as kinky and fun for both the receiver or giver. So whether you are interested in anal or a skeptic, read on.

Why are some people against anal? Some think it is weird or gross. The butt is usually considered a "gross" part of the body! Others are worried about germs or feces. Some men seem to worry that enjoying anal makes them "gay." To this I say: straight people had anal sex first! Are you going to let someone deprive you of sexual variety and pleasure just because of a silly concept that "only gays have anal sex"???? Think of it this way: gay men have oral sex, too, but does that make you gay for enjoying it? Of course not! It is not where you have sex, but with whom you have sex, that determines your sexual orientation!

My friends tell me anal is pleasurable for them. For both men and women, the anus is a sensitive area. For women, it can sometimes stimulate the G-spot through the vaginal walls. Orgasms are possible through anal penetration for women, but usually it is just another activity that feels good. For me, it doesn't feel good alone, but it certainly heightens the pleasure I feel in other areas! And for men, the prostrate (P-spot) can only be directly stimulated through anal, which (I've heard) can lead to an entirely new and wonderful type of orgasm.

Interested? Great. I won't talk about actual anal sex today, since that is something you need to work up to. But to begin with, a finger is a great place to start.

First, for anal insertion you always need lube. You want a thick lubricant and you want to keep applying. This is because your anus doesn't naturally lubricate, and the tissues are very delicate, so you could hurt yourself or do internal damage if you don't lubricate. I've found with one finger inserted I don't need lube, but if you are inserting anything else I would err on the side of caution.

And about lube: use real stuff! Lubricant is cheap. My friends and I have used (I shudder to admit it) such random and weird lubes as vaseline, spit, and hemorroid cream, but the point is, that's not what they're made for and they won't do as good a job!

Also, never use desensitizing anal lube! This is very dangerous! Pain during anal play is your body telling you something is wrong. You should stop immediately; never push on despite pain. Lube that numbs your body so you can't feel warning signs of pain is incredibly dangerous, and I advise you never to buy from stores that sell this, as it indicates they don't care about the safety of their customers!

Another rule of thumb for anal play is not to use anything without a flared base. While the vagina is only a few inches before you hit the cervical wall, the anus goes on...well, forever. Objects won't just magically stop in the anus. They can go up past the anus, into the lower intestines, and get stuck. This requires a really embarrassing emergency room trip and often surgery. Don't risk it!

Your finger is safe because it can't go in past the last knuckle! Anal toys such as dildos with a flared base or butt plugs are also safe because manufacturers make them specifically to stop at the base. Some people seem to feel the need to stick strange things up their bums (I've heard of brooms, cucumbers, alcohol, ginger root, and eggs!), and my advice is: Don't Try This! These things aren't made to go up your butt, so don't put them there! Materials with certain coatings can cause bleeding, abrasions, or an allergic reaction. Even natural products such as ginger and cucumber can cause irritations, rectal bleeding, and get stuck up there in Never Land. If something isn't mad to go up your bum, please, don't stick it there! If you simply must engage in kinky butt sex, use your finger or an anal sex toy--you can get these toys from $3 for anal beads to $10 for a cheap butt plug or dildo. It's just as cheap to buy the toys, and much, much safer, so stick with products made for this type of play!

Okay, now that we've gotten those safety rules out of the way, let's talk logistics.

My experience with anal is that it is best to start slow and small and work up. Of course, talk to your partner first; they won't appreciate it if you just shove a huge butt plug up their arse and yell, "Surprise!" Discuss both of your fears and hopes about anal sex, if you have any qualms, and how to know if one of you wants to stop.

Next, both partners should be clean, clean, clean! Healthy vaginas and penises don't contain any bacteria that can harm you if touched or swallowed, but butts do. Fecal matter can be invisible and can contain E-coli and other nasty diseases. The receiver should take a shower just before anal play and use warm water and soap outside the rectum. Some people like to try enemas or anal douches before play to really get squeaky clean inside, but I've never tried this. I will say that, even after a shower and enema, bad bacteria can be floating around, so wash your hands and toys after play.

The giver in this scenario also needs to do some pre-play grooming. Babeland toys suggests (for fingering, fisting, or anal!) that you should have "a manicure worthy of a meeting with the Queen Mother!" No, guys, you don't have to do your nails a pretty pink, but this means either gender should have clean, trimmed nails. Get those nails as short as possible, trim hangnails, file off rough edges, and wash wash wash. Scrub hard with antibacterial soap and HOT water for a full 60 seconds, being especially sure to scrub hard under those nails! A scratch or bacteria hiding under your nails can be dangerous for your partner.

Once everyone is clean and happy, I'd start with a finger. This is because it is small and won't feel uncomfortable. If you like that, you can move to two or to a small butt toy. But start small! Relax, work together, and communicate. My Dom asks me before he puts anything in anywhere, and is always open to my suggestions about how I like it--he doesn't get an ego trip about me giving feedback! For the receiver, just relax and see what you like: do you prefer just the outside of the rectum touched and played with, or some pentration, too? Do you like movement (in and out) or just holding still? I know some people love in-and-out motions, but it freaks me out and just makes me feel like I need to poop, so I'm not a fan. I am, however, a fan of the intimacy of letting my Dom know me so...well, intimately in a more "negative" body part, and of the feeling of pressure just being held firmly. It makes whatever is going on in my pussy much stronger and better!

Once you get the finger bit down, apply lube and try two fingers or a butt toy. Butt plugs are meant to just be held inside you for a nice sense of fullness. Anal dildos, on the other hand, can be used for movement. Some people enjoy thrusting, some like rotating or twisting, and there are all sorts of toys that cater to this, from ridged dildos to curved ones that hit the male prostrate perfectly. Use lube, and later if it starts to feel dry or uncomfortable, take it out and re-apply as needed!

Many people are afraid to try anal because they see it as gross, weird, or gay. I will admit, I have been one of those people. Others have tried it and didn't like it because it wasn't pleasurable, felt uncomfortable, or hurt. Again, I've been on of those people, too! As I keep blogging, I will continue sharing my new anal experiences, because I'm convinced the world of anal hides some wonderful and well-kept secrets, and I want to find them out.... so good luck searching and enjoy!