Sex talk or no sex talk?

Some bloggers have mentioned an important topic: do we blog about sex or not? Two recent posts on this topic are by Conina ("On Why I Blog") and Grace ("Intimate Details").

The trend I've noticed is that BDSM blogs have a lot of sex details. It's heavy on what happened and how it happened. On the other hand, DD blogs often skip the intimacy. They talk about punishments and spankings and submission, but don't usually go into detail about the sex.

Of course, each blogger should only share the sexual details he or she wants to. But as a blogger, even if I'm comfortable sharing those sexual details, I have to wonder: will my sharing be offputting to some of my more conservative readers? Will I lose readers if I share too much?

Since I've also blogged about my stance against pornography in my post Porn and the Christian BDSMer, I also worry if, by sharing the dirty details, I'll just gain readers who only read my stories for the sexual titillation. I'm not sure if there's really a moral difference between erotica and porn-- isn't it possible that erotica is just written pornography? It's something I wrestle with.

On the other hand, I feel it's dishonest of me to pretend like punishments aren't erotic for me. Usually, unless I really, really hate one, they are erotic. D/s has definitely helped our sex life, giving it more of a "spark" and making me more interested in sex. This is because, through D/s, I see my husband as more masculine and strong. When we started D/s, I noticed I was much more sexually attracted to him. Suddenly it didn't matter so much what he looked like or that he'd gained 15 pounds and had lost those muscular arms I loved so much when we started dating; I wanted him because he was strong and awe-inspiring! He seemed like such a man to me.

Are there punishments that I hate? Yep. However, there are also punishments that I love. I've gotten aroused and even had orgasms just by being lectured and punished by him. I can't explain why it has that effect on me, but it does.

Still, I was sort of "in the closet" about that. I got the feeling that it was okay to talk about submission and spankings, but not coming or having my nipples pinched. It was okay to talk about crying through a punishment, but not squirting because of one. Spanking and lectures were seen as "okay punishments," but being forced to give him head or submit sexually were "not okay" punishments.

Well, I guess I'm coming out of the proverbial closet. If hearing about my sexual exploits makes my readers uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'll try not to get too hot n' heavy on the details so I don't offend anyone. I also don't want this to become a place where internet creepers come to get their rocks off on written porn. But I do want to say that sex is part of my punishment dynamic with my husband, a very big part actually, and it's silly for me to feel ashamed of that just because other bloggers keep sex and punishment completely separate. In fact, when I first read about CDD, a big part of the draw was because the stories turned me on mentally in a way I'd not felt for years. The punishment-eroticism was very appealing to me.

Besides, one of my favorite things to do with my girl friends? Talk about sex. It's a rare and precious friendship where you can just talk unashamedly with your friends about your sex lives. It's a way to get things off your chest, discuss your worries and fears, learn from other people, and share part of yourself.

I think that's a good thing to do on my blog.

Want to read more on this topic? Read Bethany's article, Spanking in Relationships, to find out what she thinks of as a mixture between sexuality and spanking in CDD and DD relationships.

Totally Normal Spanking Fantasies

Do you get turned on by the following?

• husbands spanking their wives after typical relationship fights?
• having a naughty wife you have to spank to keep her reigned in?
• orgasm during spankings?
• orgasm from being told a spanking or punishment story?
• bad adults being lectured and humiliated as part of their punishment?
• begging for spankings to stop?
• spankings that end in tears?
• having a bare bottom beaten mercilessly with a hairbrush or paddle?
• spanking your naughty sub like the little girl she is?

Then you'll love this article by Sera Miles, where she talks about her experience as an adult phone sex partner and all the "weird" desires that are actually totally common and normal. And although I normally write about male dominance/female submission because that is my persona experience, Ms. Miles writes about female dominance/male submission, and as such is a breath of fresh air in a community that normally focuses on female submission.

Of course, I think that going to an adult phone line for your sexual and masturbation needs is a sin, but that doesn't mean I have anything against those people personally. The Bible gives guidelines for Christians to live by, and we can't force non-believers to make the same sacrifices we do. Of course, I believe God's moral commands are the same for everyone, but being a non-believer who abstains from sin doesn't make you a believer. You have to change the soul first, then worry about the actions. So this blog isn't about the sinfulness of adult phone companies (who say they are for "distinguished gentlemen"--ha! As if! You're paying to jack off with a stranger. I mean, really!), but about what is normal in spanking fetishes. And I believe Sera Miles definitely has enough experience to know what is normal and not with her clients.

Honestly, it makes me relieved to know that many people pretend to be younger during spanking scenes. Sometimes, when my Dom spanks me, I feel like a very angry and defiant adult. But every once in a while, I feel small and tiny and want to curl up around him when he is done and be cuddled like a very small girl. I certainly felt a sigh of relief when Ms. Miles said that many of her clients feel the same way.

You know who has some other really hot spanking stories? The Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) websites. This one in particular, a true spanking story by a CDD wife called In This Moment, I Am His! has always been such a sexy story for me. Yummm.

Excuse me for a moment while I'm lost in thought...

Oh, People Love to Make Fun of Kinky Christians

That's right, the media is having a big laugh at our expense.

I can hardly blame them.

Christians have developed a reputation for being anti-sex, anti-fun, and anti-experimentation. This isn't really fair, since fundamentalist Christians that fit that description are really only a small minority of the rest of us (10% of worldwide Christians, although they do make up 60% of U.S. Christians), but it's a pervasive picture nonetheless.

I know Christians who drink and who don't drink. I know Christians who get wasted and ones who believe it's only okay to have alcohol in small amounts. I know Christians who never touch the stuff. I know Christians who smoke pot, smoke cigarettes, have premarital sex, have gay relationships, live with their boyfriends, have anal sex, have kinky sex, and don't even kiss before they're married. Sure, some of us are sinning, but it still happens. We're pretty much all across the spectrum, but people assume we're all fundamentalists.

The Christian focus on not sinning makes us look like a bunch of people who hate sex and only advocate it within monogamous, heterosexual marriage (the first part is false, by the way).

So when we Christians have kinky sex, or write books about great vanilla married sex, the media has a hayday with it.

Personally, I enjoy hearing about the views of people who don't agree with me, although I rarely want to engage them in personal debate. Also, it's my "cheat day" from my low-carb diet, so that's reason to be happy about just about anything!

Want to read some people horrified at/making fun of kinky Christians?

There are posts on Fetlife where people say being into BDSM is inherently against Christianity.

The article Need a Good Spanking? Try CDD! claims:

With descriptions such as those, who could resist the pull of a Christian
Domestic Discipline marriage? It has it all: domestic violence, homophobia, and
the humiliation of women. I had thought my marriage, based on equality, mutual
respect, and openness was solid. I see now that I have let my selfish feminism
cloud my view.

I mean, you have to admit that fundamentalist Christians bringing about spanking is a little funny, given the way the world sees them.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Adjustable Nipple Clamps is another witty and satirical look at Christian BDSM. Poking fun, not at CDD, but at Christian full-on BDSM websites, the author quips:

But anyone who's ever asked himself, "WWJD with these tit clamps?" can find
godly direction and spiritual uplift clicking here."

I almost think that, since the general population feels very threatened by fundamentalist Christians trying to tell them how and when to have sex, they feel even more threatened when those same Christians seem to enjoy sex, even if it's (gasp!) kinky. It's hard to connect a church you've decided "hates sex and fun" so you can feel justified to ignore them and do whatever you want sexually, when those same churches you've stereotyped now have married couples practicing BDSM according to Biblical rules. It certainly breaks the mold of the "typical Christian," I'll give you that.

Even more laughs can be found at What Happens When Fundamentalists Get Into BDSM? I mean, everyone knows Christians can't have good sex and should be ashamed of the sex they do have (assuming they have sex, since so many of them have kids!). So obviously, Christians into spanking and kink must just have stolen good sex from "real" kinksters and slapped a new name on it. See below:

Pray tell, what shall you do if you are a fundamentalist Christian who is into BDSM? Well, you change the terminology and call it "Christian Domestic Discipline". Thereafter, you declare this as an "enhancement" for your traditional marriage.

As is expected, someone has spent a great deal of time and effort building a website dedicated to Christian Domestic Discipline. The webmaster is Leah Kelley and she declares herself to be virulently anti-feminist. Not only is she proudly submissive, she declares this is God's plan.

I can definitely see the point that is made about some CDD websites out there, include this critique from Beating God Into Her:

If it’s not a zany form of Christian BDSM, then the alternate explanation of CDD must be that it’s a justification for domestic abuse invoking a higher authority. That’s where it transitions from kooky to sinister.

Yeah. I mean, if women are using CDD and Christian kink to let their husbands control and abuse them, make them skinnier, or keep them from cutting their hair too short (as the article suggests), I'd say that's pretty crazy stuff.

My last laugh comes from Something Awful, one of my favorite fun-poking websites, who has this to say about Christian D/s websites:

Christians have long been missing out on the joys of BDSM, but thankfully some guy on the Internet is going to change that. He's tearing off a chunk of the secular BDSM world's skin, polishing it up, and giving it to Christians. Turns out BDSM is A-OKAY if you're a Christian, just so long as it involves a married couple and the female is always submissive. So get out those whips and chains and enjoy some good old fashioned God-sanctioned ball-gagging and anal torture. If you still have questions, this inexplicable FAQ should clear everything up.

Okay, that's funny, but Something Awful also writes about everything terrible on the internet, from people screwing dogs and their neighbor's cows, to sites that advocate mother-daughter incestuous relationships, to people who drink blood and pretend they're vampires. Do "spanking Christians" really fit into the group with dog rapists? I mean, really?

My only conclusion is that people don't want Christians to have good, kinky, fun sex. If we're trying to control them from having all the kinky, nasty, sinful, albeit consenual sex they want, then by golly, we should not be allowed to enjoy sex, either! How dare we enjoy sex within our boring, two-person, monogamous, lifelong marriages? Never mind that research shows married women in long-term marriages have better sex than our "sexually liberated," younger, single counterparts.

So when the movement that is known for homophobia, sexism, and religious intolerance starts having fun, nonconventional, kinky sex, well, that is just too much! Christians should just hunker down and have boring, non-existent sex like we want single and gay people to do.

And when we do something they don't understand, well, like most people do when they don't understand something... they fear us... they make fun of us.... and if that makes them feel better, good for them.

While they're writing a blog worrying about why devout Christians shouldn't be allowed to live out their ridiculous, scary fantasies, I'm enjoying mind-blowing sex with my husband. Oh well.

Getting Back into BDSM

Lately, I've been really craving some good, old-fashioned Domination. I hate it, but if it's done right, afterward I love it. I may kick and scream and fight at the beginning, but if he can drive me past that point, I love the feeling of curling up next to him, exhausted and sweaty, and collapsing into a lovely, peaceful sleep.

My Dom decided to start small. Of course, he didn't tell me that! :)

First, after a lovely backrub, he just started kissing me. I didn't like it; I felt claustrophobic and somewhat pushed into it. I whined and squirmed, but he was unrelenting. He told me if I needed it to stop, I could use my safeword, and then just went right ahead manhandling me. My squirms and squeals of protest got louder and more frantic, but he didn't stop or even slow down.

I was getting very unhappy.

Then he started sucking on my nipples! Normally, I like this, but it is a very intimate thing. (He told me later he was going for the "Too much too soon" feeling, and he got it!) I don't like being manhandled in what is supposed to be an intimate, pleasurable area when I'm just being forced and used. I started screeching in protest, and my breathing started to really come hard and fast, telling him I was getting seriously distressed. He didn't stop.

I squirmed, kicked, wiggled, moaned, and whined, but he didn't stop. He pinned my hands roughly above my head, trapping some hair in there, and I could not even move my head anymore without pain. I got one hand free and hit him; he just gave a low laugh and wrestled it back into place, saying, "I like a girl with some fight in her!"

I tried to claw his hands that were pinning my hands above my head, but he didn't seem to feel it. Later, though, he pulled me across his lap and started spanking me by hand---something he knows I hate! (Later, he told me that he started out hard at first to hurt me, then slowed back down to a more light spank, knowing it would still hurt after those hard first ones.) He spanked me while I whined and started to dry sob---no tears came, but I was shaking and breathing like they might appear soon. He still didn't stop spanking me; in fact, he seemed to enjoy it.

Finally, he told me why I was getting spanked: I'd tried to claw him. Frantic to get away from where I was pinned on his lap, I dug my nails into his side, the only place I could grab him. Immediately the spanking stopped. "DO NOT try to claw me!" he thundered, making me whimper and lie still in terror. "Do you understand me?" I whimpered and stopped moving. "Do you UNDERSTAND me?" he roared. Totally undone, I could only hold back the sobs and nod.

When he was done spanking me---I did not fight him or claw him anymore, but simply took it and shook with dry sobs---he rolled me over, embraced me, and said softly, "It's all over, Pretty Girl, it's all done." He held me while I calmed down, stroked my hair, and checked to see if I needed water. He explained that even though perhaps I'd wanted more, we haven't done BDSM in a long while and he wanted to ease me into it, not give me anything that I couldn't handle. I nodded my understanding and clung to him in one of those wonderfully needy embraces I only manage right after a good BDSM scene.

Ahhh, sweet kink and torture! My Dom and I have returned.

Spanking During Lent

As Lent approaches, many Christians around the world will begin their preparations for the Easter season by making a Lenten sacrifice. And I don't just mean our Catholic brothers and sisters in Christ, either; many Christian denominations include Lent as a required or optional season for Christian growth, including Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, and even some fundamentalist Christian groups.

A conversation came up on FetLife about the good of adding or giving up spanking during Lent. Of course, the group's members came up with no consensus, but I thought it was worth sharing. Here are some ideas to consider:

• The Lenten season is to be one of solemnity and penance, preparing our hearts to receive the joy of Christ's resurrection on Easter Sunday. We are to follow Christ's model and bear our cross, embracing His suffering. For many people, spanking--because of its sexual nature--may not be an appropriate sacrifice for Lent.
• Some people, especially BDSMers, really like spanking. I mean really, really like spanking. They get some sort of kick from it, whether it is sexual, pain/pleasure, relaxing, kinky, or just the rush of endorphins. For people who enjoy spanking, perhaps giving it up could be a fitting sacrifice.
• Other people do NOT like spanking, and use it only as a punishment in their BDSM relationships. For these people, adding physical pain like what Christ endured could be a good sacrifice during the season.

As always, whether you choose to add spanking or give up spanking or do nothing at all, it depends upon the two people in your relationship and what they enjoy doing. If you feel spanking can help you bring to mind Christ's sufferings, teach you spiritual discipline, or bring you closer to God, then it's something to think about!

Our CDD Trial Period

This week, my Dom and I have decided to try CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). I was very nervous about this since I adore the theory of it and find CDD to be very sexy to read about and contemplate, but whenever we've tried it I've always flipped out and backed out.

If you're not sure what Christian Domestic Discipline is, check out my blog series on it.

Anyway, we agreed to try CDD. I have slowly begun to trust my Dom to lead me more, both as a man, a dom, and especially as a Christian. I still wasn't sure I wanted to give up total control, but in the end it seemed safe enough to do--for a few days, at least.

This will be the third time we've tried this. The first time, when I was still in France, I was so terribly turned on by all the reading I'd done about CDD that I couldn't wait to try it. (I even made an emergency trip to a European sex shop for the occasion!) We talked it out and discussed CDD in depth. My Dom and I even made a list of our expectations, rules for me and responsibilities for him, plus very specific instructions for what punishments I could expect. We mutually agreed upon in and were about to start incorporating CDD into our lives... when I flipped out. I panicked--utterly panicked. I started to hyperventilate and protest that he wasn't enough of a leader, I was an adult woman, he had no right to control me, etc, etc, etc. We abandoned the effort before it began.

The same thing happened the second time.

My Dom wisely waited it out without pressuring me, knowing I'd been the one attracted to it in the first place and I'd probably come back again.

Finally, last night, we decided to try it. I was still very nervous and gun-shy, so I insisted we only do it for three days. He agreed, and our trial period is going on now.

So far, it's gone well. Our lives haven't changed much, really. But now when I do something disrespectful or mean, I get a spanking at the end of the night. I've found it to not be too bad... in fact it's quite pleasant! For one, I have accountability. For another, my Dom is actually being consistent this time around, something he didn't do as much before, and I feel safe and secure inside my new boundaries (this is paramount for a sub feeling safe to submit). And finally, the spanking is pretty darn sexy.

I can handle it because my Dom isn't spanking me when he's angry or to get back at me, which is how it appeared to me before (when I bailed). He is sure to stay very calm and loving as he tells me what my punishment is. Even though I pout, I feel safe that he has noticed and is keeping me within my boundaries; his consistency reassures me. And I feel tight inside as he describes to me how he's going to spank me and why I'm being punished. I feel loved and sexy as he gently lays me over his lap, embarrassed and turned on as he lowers my pajama bottoms to uncover my behind as though I'm a little child. It still feels fair since he asks me what I've done wrong and if I have any rebuttals about the fairness of the punishment---I can complain if I feel I'm being treated unfairly somehow. I feel small as I'm spanked, and afterward I pout and enjoy feeling small and powerless and he holds me and rubs my aching bum. In the end, we feel closer, I feel small and submissive, we both feel turned on, and I feel safe and loved. We both win.

This is going on for one more day, so we'll see how our "CDD trial run" goes!

Submission through God

Yesterday, my Dom and I were having a talk about God, sex, BDSM, and the Bible.



Yes, all those topics were the same conversation.



Well, I'm that type of female who gets more turned on by talking then by doing. I've always been this way. I can read and research some BDSM technique for days and get far more hot than if my Dom had actually done it to me. I get more turned on by him whispering into my ear the things he wants to do to me than by actually doing the physical things themselves---just ask him sometime about a train ride in France. (It took us two hours to get home, and since we were on a train we settled for talking about what he wanted to do to me and writing down nasty names for him to call me. The end result was that, after all that talking, I was so incredibly turned on that I came immediately upon being touched once we got home, and that NEVER happens just from physical stimulation!)



We were discussing the difference in submission for a Christian woman as opposed to a sub or slave from a different religion. I was trying to share with him that, for me, it might be easier if he used terminology such as ezer, doule, handmaiden, and helpmeet, because those are terms that bear directly to my life and that I'm familiar with and comfortable with. Those are terms that mean something to me, terms I'm friends with and know what to do with, terms I've been acquainted with for years and already incorporated into my self-identity and my faith. On the other hand, terms such as sub, slave, Master, and submit, when taken in their purely secular forms, are fairly new to me and I struggle more with them.



I'd never thought about this before. But I knew that often, I had trouble "submitting." Other women who are subs or slaves seemed to do it so easily, just casting aside their "self" and submitting to a man. As a secular woman, this is foreign to me. I'm smart, educated, savvy, well-traveled, and self-confident. I struggled so much with casting aside myself just for the benefit of my equally imperfect, equally human Dom.



But to submit through Christ.... ahh, that was a concept I could sink my teeth into! To submit not as a secular woman, but as a Christian woman, a beloved of Christ, a handmaiden of the Lord, a servant and daughter of the One True God---that, I could do. It had never occurred to me until I read a blog by a fellow Christian submissive woman (more on that later), but once I read it, something clicked.



My Dom and I retired to bed and he "squished my head" (one of my most frequent requests, because I love to feel confined and safe) while I felt as safe as I needed to and he waited. When I was ready, I began to explain to him my new thoughts and revelations. I halting explained that while as a secular woman, submission was foreign, new, and unpracticed for me, if he could make me see that submission as linked to our faith, a new facet of submission would be opened to us. I told him that submitting to him, not because he's a man or a Dom, but because he's my spiritual head, caretaker of my soul, and the one responsible for my wellbeing and that of my children---that kind of submission, submission not to him but to God through him, that kind of submission I could do.



And as we talked and I opened my heart and he received it, I started to feel good. I began to get turned on.... I started to feel calm, drowsy, and dreamy, a welcome return to subspace after a frustrating inability to reach it for months and months... I started to feel closer to God than I had in a while and subsequently, closer to him. I suddenly realized that it had been struggle for me to try to reconcile being a kinster and a Christian, two identities I'd tried to keep separate but also tried to force together like two opposing magnets. And the struggle melted away as I realized I didn't have to be two opposing identities, but one complementary one: a Christian submissive. Not a secular submissive who also tried to be Christian, but a Christian submissive.



To submit to my Dom because he said so? Difficult. But to submit to my Dom the way I'd submitted before to my God, not because a human told me to but because my Lord and God called me to it in Ephesians 5:22? That I could do. I felt at peace, I felt loved, and I felt calm and turned on.



The most beautiful scene ensued.



I'm not sure how it happened; I asked my Dom how he read me so well and he said, "I just did." He couldn't explain it, but suddenly he seemed to be so much more in tune with me than normal. Usually, I feel like I'm in the scene wanting one thing, and he's doing the scene another way. Today, something in the air clicked.



I felt dreamy and like I wanted to submit to him. I wanted to submit to him because I loved him and because I loved God. Rather than him having to fight and force me into submission, I laid there, calm and serene. I felt needy and vulnerable, so I was unhappy when he tried to force me to do things; I wanted him to treat me gently like the husband in Ephesians 5:25-28. And so he was commanding, but not bossy; strong, but not forceful. He told me simply what he wanted and asked me to please do it. He stated his desires clearly: "I want you to bare your breasts to me. I want to use these clamps and I want you to hurt." His words turned me on even more as I dreamily obeyed and bared my most sensitive parts to his pain.



The metal chain was cold on my chest. I felt sexy with the chain dripping down between my nipples. I felt strong as I withstood the pain. I felt loved as he hurt me in ways I wanted to be hurt. I felt victorious as I took the pain for him and knew that this pleased him. I felt obedient as I thought about my Dom leading me to the Lord as my appointed spiritual head on Earth. I felt grateful that he wanted to hurt me and lead me in all the ways I wanted.



He gently turned me over and began to spank me. Feeling as calm and relaxed as I did, the paddle did not hurt as much as it had before, and I was able to take the pain and absorb it. Somehow, he read me perfectly. Sometimes I had to take deep breaths and remind myself not to tense up and fight the pain, but mostly I stayed calm and limp. In between spanks he rubbed my back and told me how great I was doing, how strong I was, and how pleased with me he was. It made me happy in the most frivolous way, and I beamed as I enjoyed my wondeful back massage.



The next time he spanked me, it felt good. Instead of raising the intensity each spank like he normally did, he got me to a new place--a wonderful place on the perfect knife's edge balance between pleasure and pain, a place where I moaned with pleasure as I absorbed the pain--and kept me there. He maintained the same level of strikes, and he could have stayed there forever and I'd have been happy. Instead, he raised the level a bit more to push me. He must have felt very connected to me, because just when the pain was becoming too much and I started to think that one more was going to be too much, he stopped.



We stayed that way, alternating between spanks and back rubs, until it was time to go pick a friend up from the airport.



I felt so dreamy and safe during that scene. I wanted him to keep feeding my spiritual, submissive side, talking about BDSM and the Bible and Godly submission on the way to the airport. Instead, life cut in and I had to come back out of my head, start thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning again. I wistfully wished I could go back to our bedroom and my "safe place."



I hope this is a new beginning for me and for us.... a new journey, not struggling toward the unachievable secular submission, but now flowing toward a Godly submission commanded by the Bible, inspired by Christ Jesus, and directed toward God and my Dom.... first to and through the human, and ultimately to the Lord.

Daddy Spanked Me!

I got home from work today, and "the urge" struck me as I was changing out of my bright orange dress jacket into a t-shirt.

"Hey, umm, you want to, umm...?" I asked.

There was a moment's silence, and then a very happy Dom threw me over his shoulders and headed over to the bed.

We made out for a few minutes. He pressed his hard denim-covered cock into my tummy where it feels sooo good. We took off our clothes and he knelt over me, fingers deep inside me working my G-spot, while I laid on my back and jacked his dick. Never a huge fan of the semi-erect penis, I was gratified to feel him fully hard and smooth in my hand. We both had a few moments of panting, moaning, and wetness. Yumm.

Then I rolled over and stopped. He wanted to keep going, but I said no. "You have class in 5 minutes," I pointed out. He persisted. I shook my head and said no. I rolled over and smirked to myself, thinking I'd won (again). Women always have the power in a sexual relationship. At least in mine they do.

And then he spanked me!

I didn't want to be spanked, so I whined and tried to roll away. He got the paddle, straddled my legs so I couldn't roll or squirm, and paddled me. He told me I'd wasted 10 minutes of his "sex" time, so I'd get one swat per minute. The ten swats hurt. They were slow with long pauses in between, which made it way worse. I had time to lie there and let the pain soak through me in a terrible way between each spank.

At the end, I curled up and pouted. "Not fair!" I whined. Daddy hugged me and held me tight. "It's fair," he assured me. I wasn't sure what to do--get angry? yell at him? whine? sulk? take back the power? ...I wasn't sure, so I just cuddled him happily.

Because he'd spanked me.

My Turn at Playing Top!!!

Because my Dom agreed that everything he did to me, he would be open to receiving, this last week we've been doing a lot of "getting even"!!! *evil laugh*

I've had a blast! Although I could never be a Domme, I enjoy being the one with the whip in my hands for a change. While my Dom doesn't enjoy it quite so much (*giggle*), he puts up with it wonderfully!

We tried switching just for a little fun. You can learn more from switching than from reading countless articles on BDSM theory, so we tried it out. This gives my Dom a chance to see how it feels to be me, what works and what doesn't, which positions hurt a lot more than he expected, and how tough I really am! For me, it is a chance to be the teacher, showing him, "See how it hurts if you hit too high? But here, this spot feel really good!"

I had a lot of fun with this. I couldn't control my evil laughter the entire time, lol.

For your information, I differentiate between a Top and a Dom/Domme, and a Bottom and Sub. For me, being a top or bottom just means the physical role you play; the top wields the whip, while the bottom receives it. Both partners play as equals, and no power exchange is involved.

A Dom and sub, however, are what I call two people who are exchanging power within a scene. Rather than two equals who just like the sensations of whips and leather, these people add the heightened level of emotional and mental control. The sub relinquishes control and the Dom gains it. People who play as sub and Dom often go beyond the physical realm of BDSM into the wonderful, scary world of emotions, psychology, dependence, control, and power.

I am not a Domme when I switch. I hate being in control! In fact, I am in control enough in our everyday life, thank you very much. I enjoy subbing because it gives me a chance to lay back, give him the reins, and just be completely at his mercy. I don't have to plan, I don't have to think, I don't have to worry about if he is enjoying, no stress and no worries. I love it!

I enjoy switching, but I'd say in those rare moments when we switch, I am a Top. I wield the paddle and the whip, but I do not gain power and he does not relinquish it.

Topping my Dom is immense fun. We've agreed that it is only fair for him to be willing to take as much as he gives. It is also a great learning experience for us to "walk in the other's shoes," so to speak.

The first time I got to play at being a Top, I wanted to show him how much that tiny, innocuous wooden paddle he bought actually hurt! The first time he used it, I ended up screaming and writhing. He was convinced I was just being a wimp, but I knew better.

So we switched. I spanked him, giving him two rounds of Jacob's Ladder, just like he'd given me. To my immense satisfaction, his body went into convulsions, and then before the end he began arching his back and yelling out from the pain. I'd told him so! While the noise from the paddle may not be all that bad, the pain is quite terrible and delicious! And here he was, my fearless Dom, a leader, a military man, a vet of the Iraq war and tough Army guy. Aha! To my great satisfaction, after his 20 swats, he admitted it hurt far more than he'd expected and that I had endured my own 20 with much less noise and writhing than he had.

Score one for the sub being a "toughie"! *gives self a pat on the back*

I enjoyed this so much, I eventually convinced him to let me give him 50 swats. He agreed, and I am sad to say I started out too nicely. I wasn't sure how 50 swats would do, so I gave him the first 30 at a "medium" level. Well, by 50, I was swinging as hard as I could, and he was jerking and making noises of a man in pain, but there was no screaming, no begging, no pleading with me to stop, and no tears. Darn! And I'd really wanted the satisfaction!

Of course, his beautiful, tight bottom was 100% red, and the next day he had two great, blue bruises on his ass. He said it was hard to sit down in some positions, but otherwise he didn't notice the bruising at all, so that was good (I didn't want to hurt him permanently!). Now, several days later, he still has some adorable fading bruises that make me quite proud of myself, but nothing that causes him pain----at least, not as far as I've heard!

Top Spanking Implements and How They Compare

I've been thinking a lot about the different ways to spank, how different spanking instruments feel, and the difference in the instruments according to the situation called for. Here is my comparison of my Dom's and my main four spanking implements: paddle, his hand, slapper, and belt.

First, so you get a good idea of the toys we are using. His hand really requires no other explanation. Our paddle is wooden with holes for ease and speed of swinging, and medium sized, about 10 by 3 inches is my guess. The slapper is a small black two-sided leather slapper, 7x2 inches. The belt is just any of his basic leather belts hanging around the house.

Here is my personal breakdown of the items!

In order of the easiest to use:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Slapper
4. Belt

In order of the easiest to clean:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Belt and Slapper (tied; both are leather and hard to clean)

In order of the most painful:

1. Paddle
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Belt

In order of the cheapest:

1. Hand (duh!)
2. Belt
3. Paddle (cheap on Ebay)
4. Slapper

Best for causing erotic stimulation/erotic pain:

1. Belt
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Paddle

Best for punishment (just pain, nothing fun or sexy)

1. Paddle
2. Hand
3. Slapper
4. Belt

Easiest to hold me down while using:

1. Hand
2. Slapper
3. Belt
4. Paddle

Loudest:

1. Slapper
2. Belt
3. Hand
4. Paddle

In order of the biggest sting:

1. Slapper
2. Hand
3. Paddle
4. Belt

In order of the biggesst thud:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Belt
4. Slapper

Receives the most screams:

1. Paddle
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Belt

Invest in several different toys of your own. You'll find there are some you want to bring out for light, playful spanking sessions, and others that are great for intense or punishment scenes. I know for me, the paddle takes about 4 good hits before I'm screaming and squirming away. The belt, on the other hand, I can relax and know I'll be getting a light, sexy sting and nothing too terrible!

And never underestimate the importance of a hand-- it can hurt like a mother and sting like hell! :)

Warning: Spanking Hurts!

My Dom and I got this neat little slapper the other day. It is real leather, two pieces, and very small (probably only about 2 inches wide and 6-8 inches long).

Of course, he got his normal wicked grin. Next thing I know, he's going at it--- and I am in so much pain I can barely stand it! Literally, it brought tears to my eyes.

Turns out, spanking hurts! (duh.)

It especially hurt when he walloped me on the sides near my breasts, on my outer thighs, and on the sides of my butt. Basically, anything to the sides. The closer he was to center, the more my body could work with the pain and use the intensity. The farther he got from center, the more it just stung.

So.

Being a big believer in inequality within as well as without the bedroom, I waited for him to be in a good mood and playfully bent him over the bed. Whack! I told him I was going to show him what it felt like. Whack! He calmly admitted it hurt, and I responded that we were going to play Jacob's Ladder (that terrible game he'd played on me several weeks ago in this blog!).

Several whacks later, I still hadn't gotten him to make a noise (too bad!), but his ass was bright red, I could see his cheeks tensing up with the pain, and when I let him up, his face was red from the effort of holding his breath to avoid yelling out. ah-HA!

So nicely, I showed him with a few slaps how much more it hurts on the sides and outsides of the thighs and buttocks, than a nice firm smack on the center.

Suddenly, the light went on and he understood. I trust I won't be getting any more (or many more!) side smacks, but nice, bearable, good-kind-of-pain centered ones.

Just something for you tops to keep in mind. :)

CDD: A Typical Punishment Session

If you've decided to try out Domestic Discipline (and please note that both of you must agree to this!), it may help to have an idea of what to expect during a typical punishment session.



Before It Turns Into a Fight: Don't let it escalate into a shouting match. Yes, you both need to be heard, but fighting and screaming won't help. If a fight is emminent, use your calm, authoritative voice to say, "Stop right here. You need to go _______ to calm down. Then we can talk." She will probably keep trying to fight, but be firm and refuse to fight. Eventually she will storm away and sulk. Once you are both calmer, let both of you air out your disagreements, making sure you both remain respectful (even if she is emotional, she can be respectful). Then calmly inform her of what behaviors you did not like and what her consequence will be.



If It Isn't a Fight: Sometimes she will misbehave without it turning into a fight. For example, perhaps you've both agreed she must not spend over $_____ or she must stop drinking coffee (don't have her sacrifice anything you don't do as well!). If she misbehaves, simply say, "You know what this means. Please go into the bedroom and wait for me there." If you like, have her set out the implements for you. I prefer my Dom/HoH to get the implements out instead, as it gives me a terrible fright waiting for him and watching him get ready.



Before You Punish: It is up to you if you want her to strip down or you want to do it for her as part of the punishment. I personally prefer when the HoH instructs me to strip down to my panties and kneel over the bed. I can lay there on the bed for as long as it takes him to enter, dreading what's coming and thinking about what I did. Then when he comes in, I wait patiently while he fastens soft cuffs around my wrists (do not tie up a woman who does not want to be tied! I request the cuffs because otherwise I find it impossible to stay still during the spanking) and he removes my panties for me.



This is a good time to discuss what she did wrong. Examples include: "Do you know why we're here? Bend over and present your bottom. What did you do wrong? Can you tell me why you're being punished? Can you think of any good reason you should not be spanked?" This gives you a chance to clearly state what transgression occurred, for her to accept responsibility, and for her to give you a real reason her punishment should be lesser or nonexistent--don't let her out for no reason, but make sure you ARE punishing her fairly before you start smacking.



During the Punishment: Watch carefully for the phases she goes through.

1. First she will try to hold out through the pain, because she is stubborn and strong!


2. Gradually she will begin to show signs of distress. Some women will cry, others will scream, others will thrash, and others will beg and plead. You must know your own wife here--if she cries easily, don't let her off at the first sign of tears! On the other hand, if she never cries, don't keep going just to make it happen.


3. Don't stop once you get her to tears or some other sign of acute pain. This is what a punishment is for. Keep going, without letting up or slowing down, and even hitting harder. She is going to start sobbing and screaming and pleading, but don't give up now.


4. She will eventually hit the peak of her emotional response, called "fight or flight." At this point she is absolutely crazy with pain and will do anything to get you to stop. You are getting her close to where you want her! Watch carefully for her unique "fight or flight" response.


5. Then she will start to submit. She may not be truly sorry yet, but she is in enough pain that she will physically and verbally submit to you, tell you she is sorry, and swear she's learned her lesson. This is up to you. Some women will mean it, but others will use their tears to fake it.


6. I've read that you should keep pounding away at her (as long as she isn't seriously injured!) "until her cries go past the point of sincerity and have a ring of desperation in them."


7. When you let her up, you will be able to tell if you've done your work. If she was faking it, she'll pop up all ticked off and refuse to talk to you. You haven't finished getting through to her in this case; bend her over again. A truly repentant woman will be sorrowful, clingy, remorseful, and emotional, probably clinging to you and sobbing apologies.

After the punishment: You can never forget aftercare. You must remember that this is for her good, because you love her, and not because you are mean or angry. This is a time when you must hold her, tuck her into bed, take care of her, murmur to her, rub aloe on her sore backside, and otherwise remind her how much you adore her and how you are not willing to see anybody--even herself--hurt her or put her in danger.

CDD: Introduction

CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

CDD: Discipline and Punishment

In (Christian) Domestic Discipline--or (C)DD--how does the Head of Household (HOH) start maintaining discipline? It might seem difficult to boss around a grown, capable, mature, successful, intelligent woman whom you love deeply. Or, for some couples in DD, the wife is the authoritarian figure and she must discipline her wonderful husband.

The trick here is to remember that in CDD, punishing does not mean the giver is superior and the recipient is inferior. So often in our society the one doling out the punishment is superior in rank and age: a parent to a child, a sergeant to a private, or a principal to a student.

Yet this is not always so. In some cases, such as a husband to a wife or a boss to an employee, one person is in a position of authority but this does not necessarily make them smarter, better, older, or wiser. Many bosses have to give guidance, correction, and sometimes even discipline to their employees, but I think everyone at that job understands the superior is only in a position of authority because that makes the workplace run smoother--it does not mean the boss is a better person in any way.

The same is true in DD relationships.

Perhaps you are a HOH and your wife is older than you, or smarter, or makes more money, or is better educated, or more mature in some areas. Congratulations for marrying such a great gal! I have no doubt that in a marriage, each of you has different strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps she is a genuis at balancing the checkbook but you are great at maintaining the lawn and cars. Maybe you're a better singer but she is better at tennis. Either way, being in a position of authority does not mean you think she is lesser than you, but simply that you realize God has given you a responsibility to love and honor your wife (Ephesians 5:27-30) and you owe her that! She deserves a strong, loving, manly shoulder to lean on at the end of the day, and that is where you come in.

A good leader doesn't use his power to boss her around, question her about everywhere she goes and everyone she talks to, and insist on being right about everything. No, that is not a leader--that is a bully and an insecure shell of a man.

Rather, a good leader is one with the strength to guide her and support her, the humility to serve her and admit when he's wrong, and the confidence to let her make her own decisions. A good leader will recognize his wife's strengths and rely on those; he will likewise be aware of her weaknesses and help her to improve and grow.

There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is to correct a bad behavior, such as swearing or smoking, while punishment is simply a consequence of that behavior, even if she is already sorry and willing to stop. It is up to you to decide when discipline and punishment are called for and what the consequences will be.

Here is what good discipline and punishment are not:

• micromanaging and controlling her life, decisions, and finances
• an excuse to vent your anger
• a reason to never admit you're wrong or admit her strengths
• too harsh
• too lenient
• threats without following through (NEVER threaten! She gets one calm warning and then you act.)
• done in anger or wrath
• gone in a wishy-washy way or every so often, when you are in the mood

Here is what good discipline and punishment are:

• guiding her to a fuller, happier, healthier life
• providing healthy boundaries for her and consequences when she oversteps them
• fitting the crime
• as immediate as possible (it loses its effectivity if you wait)
• followed through consistently, every time, without fail
• done calmly, without anger, and thoroughly
• given with a clear reason for why she is receiving this, with lots of communication before and after
• given in a calm, authoritative voice

Your wife is an intelligent, grown woman: she knows when the punishment fits the crime. If you dole out too much because you are angry or insecure, she knows--and loses respect for you. If you make it too light because you are being nice--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you lose control of your temper--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you do something that is not for her own good but for yours--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you tell her she's getting a spanking and then let her off the hook for good behavior--she knows, and loses respect for you.

So, once you have an idea of when to punish, how and where do you go about it?

Where: The "where" is easy. It should be at home, somewhere private, away from the children and other family members. There should be no distractions like music, tv, or phone. No one else should know about this private part of your lives. It is best to pick a "place" for a punishment that is the same every time--for example, a particular corner where she always stands, or always having her kneeling over the same part of the bed. This will make the punishment stand out in her mind and hit home.

How: There are three main components of how to do an effective punishment: Authoritative Voice, Implements, and Types of Punishments.

Authoritative Voice

The voice you use is probably more important than the punishment you give. You should speak in lower tones than normal. Your voice should be calm, controlled, yet strong and commanding. You shouldn't sound enraged or choked up with emotion, although some slight annoyance is okay. It is best if you speak slowly, clearly, and sternly, using a deep voice that brokes no argument.

Implements

Spanking with the hand is common, but I'm not a huge fan--it doesn't hurt much, feels annoying, and is impossible to hit both cheeks evenly. While you may want to warm her up with 15-20 hand strokes (or 50-60, if you're going to be spanking very hard!!!) before using another implement.

Also try using different implements during the punishment. This keeps your hand from getting tired, gives her skin a rest, and protects her from serious injury. It also causes new and different types of pain. You may also want to make her do "corner time" or lie still between different sessions of a spanking, if you are going to be meting out a harsh punishment. This gives both of you time to rest, her time to reflect on what she did, you time to calmly tell her what she did wrong and how she will behave in the future, and her body to recuperate from a severe beating. (For example, if you're doing 50 strokes, that might be okay in 1 setting, but if you're doing 200 you need to break it up into segments of 50 or 30.)

Here is a list of implements you might try:

• your hand: put her Over The Knee (OTK) and warm her up on both cheeks evenly; this provides more body contact between you.
• wooden paddle: when this is a punishment, less body contact may be desirable. Spank both cheeks evenly, and don't let up or pause if it's a punishment. This will smart and bruise.
• leather belt: to get a better aim and more swinging room, have her lie flat on her tummy on the bed and place some pillows under her buttocks to give you a clear target.
• clean fly swatter: useful for multiple hard, fast stings (you can do several per second!) that sting badly but don't do much internal bruising. Make sure you get both cheeks evenly when using smaller implements like this.
• leather strap: much like the belt; you probably won't have this lying around and will have to buy one.
• leather slapper: this will sting terribly and bring screams or tears. This will leaves marks the next day, but not go deep enough into the tissue to bruise.
• hairbrush: very painful and good for rapid strokes, but with all small implements be sure to get both sides evenly.
• wooden spoon: same as the hairbrush. Clean before cooking with it again. :)
• plastic spatula: see above two.

Types of Punishments

Spanking is definitely not the only type of punishment used in CDD. Here are a few more ideas. The best idea might be to ask your wife, because she can tell you what works for her and what does not work for her. Remember, you aren't trying to tick her off or make her feel unloved, but to lovingly correct a behavior. Only she can tell you what pushes her buttons. Some women with past issues may have a hard time being spanked with certain implements, or held down a certain way, or punished while you're angry, and you should respect this.

• corner time
• writing lines
• writing a letter accepting responsibility and of apology
• extra chores
• loss of priveleges
• serving you somehow

These can be used before or after spankings, or in between if you are doing a multi-session spanking. These can also be used alone for minor infractions. However, some women prefer the spanking, and this should be respected---never say no to a woman who requests a spanking, for this will avoid her purposefully misbehaving just to get it later.

CDD: Introduction
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

Spanking Games

For those of you who think spanking is hot (I'm a new convert!), here are a few fun spanking games you might want to try:

• Jacob's Ladder: Lay your partner in your favorite position and have him pick a number between 1 and 50. That is his "ladder." Give him that number of swats; 1 is the softest, 2 a little harder, 3 a little harder, and so on up the ladder.
• One by One: This game gives the spankee more control. Assume the position, and have the spankee call out numbers one by one. She starts out with "One!" and you hit her softly. "Two!" and you hit her a tiny bit harder. When you hit a number she likes, she can keep calling it out ("Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!" until she is ready to move up to the next number. This way, she controls how hard you spank and how ready she is to move up a number.
• Strip Poker: Just like regular strip poker, only now if you lose once you are already naked, you get pulled across a lap and spanked with your least favorite toy!
• Guess the Implement: In this one, the spankee is blindfolded or face down, unable to see. The spanker hits him with different implements (there are some ideas here) and the spankee has to guess what he is being hit with. If he gets it right, he moves on to the next toy; the goal is to get through all the implements with only one spank from each. Of course, if he gets it wrong, the spanker gets to hit him again with the toy, only harder, until he can guess! Creativity in finding implements is a must here.
• Spanking Cards: All you need is a deck of ordinary cards. Assign each of the four suits a spanking implement (e.g.: belt, paddle, hairbrush, and flogger) and have your partner pick a card. The suit tells what you spank with, and the number tells how many spanks you get (2 = 2, Ace = 13). Then switch!
• Double or Nothing: This is a game of endurance. The top spanks the bottom as hard as he can. If the bottom can't take it any more, she calls "Quit!" and loses. However, if she does not call "Quit," but the Top eventually gives up and stops, she gets to give him double the amount of spanks she received as hard as she wants. This makes an interesting choice for a Top: you cannot give more spanks than you are willing to receive double of!
• Dice: Have your bottom roll the die to see how many spanks he will receive.
• Hide and Seek: Adults are never too old to play Hide and Seek! I think this game will be better if you make it Hide and Seek in the Dark. Either way, pick a home base and have one person count out loud. Then, the person who's "it" has to find the hider, while the hider sneaks back to home base. If you get found, you get 10 spanks! If you make it to home base safely, you win--no spanks!
• Roleplaying Games: Games don't have to have a winner and a loser! Pick a hot role and act it out. Are you the mean Mommy spanking her little boy? A teacher paddling an unruly student? A policeman punishing a very fast driver? A boss pulling your secretary over her desk and flogging her for slow work? An angry librarian swatting a customer with books she brought in late? Perhaps an interrogator torturing a subject? The possibilities are endless!

*Note: as always, safewords mean an end to the game, no questions asked. Don't play more than one round of these games in one day.

The First Time She Cried

Today, I am writing about the first time I made my sub cry, how I got her to do so, and what it felt like. The scene was one that I had thought long and hard on how to be unpredictable. My goal was to not only hurt her, but also make her feel my behavior couldn't be trusted. I apparently fulfilled my goal, because later on she explained she was honestly scared. I was sure to switch out avenues of pain often, because I didn't want her to get too bored. For a short time it was fingering with too many fingers or paddling or whipping. I was also sure to leave the room for short periods of time. I talked to her along the way to reassure her I wasn't leaving to go get an ice cream or anything rash.

After a good amount of abuse I could tell her limits were being pushed, in a good way. I had her against the wall, naked, and each time I would whip her, her back would arch. I got tired of it and decide the next time that happened I would slap her repeatedly. Well, both of these things happened. I was after the slapping that she started to cry. I thought there would just be a tear or two, because she's usually stubborn. However, I turned her around shortly thereafter and saw her cheeks wet. I knew then that I was turned on, happy, and fully sadistic. Although, I would never, never endanger her safety, the scene was made sexy by her crying. I don't know how to explain this, other than to give an account of it.

It was after this, I knew I had to start winding her down and ready for aftercare. I was progressively less mean and nasty. In my heart, I knew I had completed my goal. Making your sub cry could give you a rush, turn you on, make you feel truly sadistic for not caring, and set you up for topdrop as well. That's my take, what's yours?

Thank You, Sir, May I Please Have Another?

Here is the story of my introduction to the most terrible, awful, fear-inspiring, and totally hot toy my Dom and I have tried yet!

Okay, so it's just a paddle. Not scary, right? In fact, I even suggested the paddle to him. I thought it seemed more "normal" (ha!) and less painful than some of the other striking implements, such as whips, canes, and floggers.

My Dom found a wonderful hand-made wooden paddle on E-bay for under $10. Without telling me (though I could tell something was up!) he ordered it and hid it in a closet. When Valentine's Day rolled around, there it was, beautiful and brown, lying amid my other kinky gifts!

I was excited, but also a litte nervous. Just holding the paddle made my Dom get a sort of maniacal laugh and red glint in his eye--think Jekyll and Hyde. Obviously, he got some rush of power and sadism from this toy that slightly frightened me. So it was with great trepidation and great sexual excitement that I was prepared for my first real spanking scene.

I've always thought the sexual energy that sparks and sizzles from a Dom makes or breaks the scene, and this was no exception. He was so excited that the air fairly sizzled and crackled. Something about this paddle made him feel more like a man--more like a Dom--and that made me more submissive in turn. So I waited patiently, unmoving, trembling with excitement, as he knelt me down on the floor, pushed my head into the bed, and began securing my wrists behind me with zip ties.

True to my advice on this blog, he had tried the paddle out on himself beforehand so he knew exactly how it felt to me. He started out lightly, rubbing my exposed ass to get the blood flowing, and told me we would play a game called Jacob's Ladder, where he would start at 1 and count to 10, upping the intensity a litte between each spank. Tonight, he told me, we would play Jacob's Ladder twice.

He began, and I must admit that paddle hur far more than I had so smugly anticipated! By the count of 3, the smug expression had vanished from my face and I was breathing heavily, grunting into the mattress with each stroke. By 6, my grunts were turning into wails. By the time 9 and 10 came around, I had become a believer! That paddle smarted and stung like no other!

I was hoping he would forget about the 2nd round of the game, or perhaps see I was in a lot more pain than I, at least, had anticipated and go easy on me.

No such luck.

With my backside already smarting so much from my first climb up Jacob's awful ladder, there was no sense of 1 or 2. Even when he was hitting on a 1 or 2, my sore ass was registering the strikes at a 8 or 9!!! Now, I pride myself on my pain tolerance, which is high (I am a woman and a redhead, both of which contribute to significantly higher pain thresholds), and on my stubborness (again due to that red hair!) which makes me not utter a peep even when I am in severe pain. But this paddle got the better of me. I simply could not conceive of making it all the way through 10 again. Before I knew it, I was screeching, screaming muffled screams into the mattress.

My Dom later recounted (with supreme satisfaction, I might add) how I whimpered and begged, thrashed and writhed, and went from kneeling quietly on the floor to extending to anguished tiptoes, begging that I would do anything instead of finish the game. I was sure he would see how far over the edge I'd gone, and relent, accepting my offer of sexual favors galore instead of this game.

I was wrong. In a display of strength that I both hated and feared, he pushed the small of my back down into the bed with one hand and told me calmly that if Iwanted to end the game, I was going to have to either take the pain... or use my safeword.

Of course I was too stubborn for that.

The agonizing tenth blow finally came. My screams and writhing abruptly stopped, and I collapsed, trembling and silent, onto the bed. He picked me up carefully (this was difficult because my hands were still tied behind my back) and laid me gently on the bed. I lay there, still and unmoving, while he removed the zip ties and crawled into bed to cuddle me. He held me, stroked my hair, and cooed to me softly how well I'd done and how hot that had been for him. He brought me water for my parched throat and massaged my aching bum. We went to sleep, exhausted and happy.

In the morning, I am happy to report, my butt had completely healed from any sore muscles or pain. I was completely pain-free, and that after quite a beating! I was bruised--not the large, dark bruises I'd expected, but decorated with scattered red dots where blood vessels had broken (I believe a more adequate warm-up would have lessened this). However, none of it hurt, and I was able to sit and stand and walk without discomfort all day. After two or three days, the bruises faded, and I eagerly await such a totally hot hot HOT scene again!

My Imminent Spanking

Why do people spank? Well, there are three main reasons:

1. They find it erotic

2. They like the pain

3. They like to be "punished"

There are many physical, sexual, emotional, and mental factors that go into these three main reasons, and I'm not even going to attempt to go into them all. I will say that I have been an avowed anti-spanker since... well, forever. Spanking is something most of my teenage boyfriends tentatively tried with me at one point or another. They seemed to like it; I did not. First, I was uncomfortable with my butt, and like most girls, worried that it was "too big" or "too flabby." The jiggling that oft accompanies smacks to the bottom made me feel fat, ugly, and about as far from sexy or turned on as you could get-- spanking disgusted me. Also, I just felt ridiculous when they swatted me. It hurt, it didn't feel good, and I feel like a silly adult woman whose partner wishes she were smaller and about 5 years old. I hated it.

Getting into BDSM has forced me to re-evaluate spanking. The truth is, I've never had it done right, or by a Dominant. It's always been boys echoing they saw something on tv. Watching a naturally submissive man try to swat a woman just makes me cringe--the farce is so obvious it doesn't begin to be sexy. But now my Dom is interested in spanking me. I've had several months to weigh the options, do the research, and learn about the activity. We've talked and re-talked through our options, positions, fears, insecurities, and dirty desires. I know that he wants to hurt me and watch me suffer, squeal, and scream; I know the idea of him torturing me turns me on. He wants to put me in humiliating positions and make me cry; him having that power over me makes my clit get tight. Until we try it, I won't know for sure how I like "real" spanking, but I can share with you the tips and positions we've discovered.

Implements

You can spank with just about anything. Your hand, a wooden ruler, a hairbrush, a wooden spoon, and a ping-pong racket are just some of the household items that can be turned into paddles. Leather belts are also popular items. Real wooden paddles of various sizes and colors, some with designs or words carved into them, others with spikes or prods, and still more with holes cut out to allow a faster swing, are all available online (E-bay has some for under $10), in kink and sex stores, and as novelty items. Floggers, whips, slappers, and cat-o-nine tails are also options for the more advanced spankers among you.

Tips

Spanking is pretty much safe and fun if you stick to the meaty areas of the body. The most popular place to spank people is the butt, although anywhere meaty (thighs, calves) can be spanked. Just stay away from delicate areas like the spinal cord, the abdomen and back, or bony areas. When aiming for the butt, swing for the lower half of the butt, since the tailbone can easily chip or crack and then the fun is ruined for everyone.

One basic spanking tip is to start slow and light. The sub's pain tolerance will gradually get higher as you slowly increase the intensity.

Another tip is to practice on yourself and an inanimate object before you spank someone else. You practice on the inanimate object (pillow, bed, or couch) so you can practice your aim and not inadvertently break your sub's bones. You practice on yourself so you know how the paddle or whip feels, how hard you can hit, and if the area will bruise later.

Also, remember that bruises don't spring up automatically. Your sub may be on a pain-induced endorphin high and never feel his skin hurting, and you won't see bruises until the next day. When an area gets red and rosy, stop before it gets chapped, raw, bruised, or the skin breaks. You don't want permanent marks or bruises that last for weeks to pop up later!

Another great tip is to massage, rub, and knead the buttocks before, during, and after spanking. Spanking feels good because it brings the blood rushing to the genitals. You can aid this by "warming up" your partner with lots of rubbing, massaging, and gentle patting before you start lightly paddling. Every so often between swats, stop to rub and massage the sore area, giving the sub a break and helping diffuse the pain. Once you're done beating the heck out of your sub's bottom, bring them back down slowly by gently rubbing their skin and getting their blood flow back down to normal.

Positions

I love this part! For me, positions have been the sexiest part of researching spanking. Pictures of naked butts don't get me turned on, but reading all about the possible positions sure does! Here are a few of the basic spanking positions:

1. OTK (Over the Knee): This position is ideal for sexual stimulation or for parent/child play, depending on what you want. The spanker sits on the edge of the bed (or chair/bench/whatever) and bends the spankee over his knee, bottom exposed. If his arm gets tired, he can make the spankee switch positions. This position is ideal because for women, and with careful situation of knees and legs, you can ensure that every swat puts pressure on her clit. It is also good for parent/child punishments because this is a position many parents use to spank their children, and as such may humiliate the spankee or make them feel very young and vulerable. (see black and white photo immediately above)
2. Hands on Ankles: If your sub is flexible, you can have him bend down and grab his ankles. This will make the spanking more delightfully painful, as it stretches the skin of the buttocks tight. However, this position requires flexibility on the part of the spankee, and it is easy to spank too hard and overbalance the sub. (see color illustration at top of page)
3. Hands on Bed: This is an easier version of the "Hands on Ankles" and I like the sound of this better. Rather than making the sub bend all the way to floor or ankles, you make her bend over to place her palms flat against a bed, couch, chair, or table. This is more comfortable for the sub and still exposes her bottom beautifully.
4. Kneeling over Bed: This one sounds hot! Like a small child being punished, have the spankee kneel on the floor facing the bed (couch/chair/etc.), then bend his torso over the bed. In this position, his arms and chest should be lying flat on the bed, with his knees and calves on the floor and his bottom exposed.

Just discuss what you both want out of this spanking: is it sexier if it is for fun, during sex, for a punishment, or just to experiment? Do you want a few light swats or pain and bruises? Do you want the sub to be silent, to scream, to moan, to whine, to beg you to stop, or to cry? What will your safeword be if one of you needs to stop? Has your sub been a "bad little girl," a "dirty whore," or is she just being an obedient wife? Do you want to spank her for the power, to feel like a parent, just to hurt her, to punish her, or to make her cry? Is it hotter if you act the scene out as yourselves, or if you play a Daddy/bad little girl scene, a boss/wayward secretary scene, or a principal/student scene?

Stay tuned in a few weeks to hear how my first spanking session turns out...

Resources:

BDSM Relationships: Adult Erotic Spanking and Paddling

My Bottom Smarts: Bonnie's Top 20 Spanking Positions

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

My Dom, my friend C., and I had a little online discussion about what we like and don't like about BDSM, how it has improved our relationship and communication as a whole, and our favorite activities to try! So sit back, grab a cup of tea, and enjoy an online chat among friends!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

1) When did you first get interested in BDSM?

• C: I first got interested in it when I was 15 and my boyfriend at the time admitted he was into it and I thought it sounded awesome, so I wanted to try it.
• Sub: I think I was always into it, but didn't realize it! Around 15 I started having fantasies about being raped. I wondered if I was normal. I have always been very turned on by being held down or pushed against a wall. When I was 19 I finally dated a man who had rape fantasies as well, and we "played rough" with rape, bondage, knives, and struggle. After that I was hooked, and began "converting" boys I dated, or else I just got bored with the sex. But I didn't realize there was a community of people like me, or that it had a name, until earlier this year (I'm 24).
• Dom: I first became interested in BDSM very recently. I was 27 and it was discovered with my current relationship. I realized something about myself. I began to understand it was something I wanted to experience.

2) How was it first incorporated into your current relationship?

• Dom: Both of us showed tendencies from the beginning. My sub is a biter and I love to restrain and be powerful. Our tastes played off each other and eventually we have our current situation. We started restraining, choking, biting, and slapping. Then the communication picked up. We shared openly about fantasies and what we were into. I learned not to judge something until it was tested, attempted, or tried. Now having done BDSM, I enjoy the love, communication, and trust that come with it. It is exciting, special, and can be healing. All are good things to introduce into a relationship.
• Sub: I agree. Hehe, he is right; I am a biter! :) With us, there were signs from the beginning. The first time we made out, he pushed me up against the door and I got turned on. He liked that it turned me on. The next time, he swept me off my feet, carried me to his backyard, and put me on the picnic table. Gradually our making out just got rougher and more passionate from there. Eventually I admitted my rape fantasies and asked him about his. He was freaked out at first, and then realized how much it turned him on. Slowly I started asking him to call me names and talk dirty. And then once he just slapped me! We were both so turned on. We realized we were on to something, and thank goodness we were both into it! :)
• C: It was incorporated very slowly and gradually because I was afraid he wouldn't be into it. I started being generally "rougher" with him in the bedroom then when I saw he was into it I suggested maybe he would like to treat me roughly. Once I felt we were completely comfortable with that, I waited 'til we were having sex the next time and told him to spank me, then harder and harder. After that he wanted to talk about the spanking and it naturally led to admitting I was into other BDSM activities, and he wanted to try them all.

3) How do you think BDSM has improved your communication with your partner?

• C: I feel that because sex and fetishes are probably one of the most intimate things you can share with someone, it makes other things a lot easier to talk about. It has definately made him more willing to actually express his own opinion aswell rather than saying things just to make me happy.
• Sub: I totally agree. If I can admit to my Dom that I want him to rape me, hit me while he comes, use me, insult me, and call me a bitch---well, that is pretty personal! So I know I can tell him anything. It really opened us up and helped us talk a lot about what we are okay with and what we are not sure about, without feeling judged.
• Dom: It has improved communication by causing us to be open and honest about that which is usually kept under wraps--fantasies. Most people wouldn't admit to their desire to try a rape fantasy. Most wouldn't volunteer they enjoy humiliation, because the judgment they would receive from their partners. They avoid these talks and are scared of the answer they might get. The scenes are also a great place to see how communication has improved. As the Dom, I have to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal means of communication. I have to make sure she is comfortable and taken care off. Even if she is unable to communicate this effectively. I don't believe my senses would be as keen as they are now without the care and practice BDSM offers.

4) How has it improved your sex life?

• C: Well, it means I get exactly what I want instead of enduring painful minutes of monotony.
• Sub: No joke! It has made us able to try anything. And be able to talk about anything.
• Dom: It has opened up so many ways to express sexual feelings and thoughts in a good way. We have a place to express ourselves sexually and emotionally most are too scared to visit. We can be anything there and as dirty as we want without fearing judgment (provided we don't push a hard limit).

5) What else has BDSM improved about your relationship? How?

• Dom: The emotional awareness is heightened for me. I have to pay close attention to my sub's body language, tone, and words during a scene. I do the same thing outside the bedroom. It has also created trust and love, because we know each others deepest fantasies. I think it gives her a place to be healed of past sexual trauma. It is a way to revisit the past with someone she loves and trusts. She can feel empowered over some of the events that made her feel helpless.
• Sub: Absolutely; I agree. I am slowly getting the guidance and leadership and dominance I need from a man, in a safe and structured way, rather than the abusive ways of the past. I can release "unhealthy" sexual needs from past abuse in a healthy way now.
• C: It makes us more relaxed around each other and it gives us ways to flirt with each other when we're not together, because he can always send me a text or message me on msn telling me of something new he has thought to do to me.

6) Are there any ways BDSM has made your relationship more difficult? How?

• C: I suppose it can be frustrating when he won't take things as far as I want them to be taken, then I can sulk with him a bit and sometimes cause arguments. But only very rarely.
• Sub: I'm the same way. Once I needed to be dominated but the mood just wasn't right. Lots of times our scenes aren't as intense or mean or painful as I want them to be. Then I get frustrated and moody and lose interest in sex for a while. I get grouchy at my Dom. Also, in BDSM you risk going too far and actually hurting someone's feelings, or being dominating when the mood isn't right and I don't feel like being dominated. Then I just get pissed off! :) He did this once and I got a huge attitude. We had to talk it out.
• Dom: I don't think it's made our relationship more difficult. I have hurt her once by talking dirty after she was ready to stop.

7) Do you think you know your partner better or worse since starting BDSM?

• C: I definitely think I know him better.
• Sub: Me, too. I know his secret desires so much better now, and it is something only we share, so it brings us closer in all areas. I feel close to him in a group of people because we have this bond with each other they don't know about.
• Dom: I think I know her better since starting BDSM. I feel like we are closer and have built a huge amount of trust! I love her so much and we communicate not only fantasies, but our feelings. I know that I can have a bad day and cry with her or share the greatest joy and be happy.

8) What are some of his/her favorite activities or fetishes?

• Dom: I know some of her favorite activities are biting, dirty talk, humiliation, she enjoys a good slap, being restrained, rape scenes, and hair pulling. This isn't an exhaustive list, but a good start.
• Sub: *giggles* He's right. For him, he likes the feeling of power and control. He likes to slap me and watch my shocked expression, hold me down, and hurt me. They make him feel powerful!
• C: He likes commanding me and telling me what to do, and he's also interested in filming us.

9) What is your favorite thing to do for your sub/Dom that you know brings pleasure?

• C: Doing exactly what he says.
• Sub: Haha, not me! He has to really work to dominate me to the point I will do exactly what he says without me resenting him. But I do reeeeally like giving him multiple orgasms. I like to sit between his legs facing him as I work his cock; this way, I can see his face and share the experience with him, and it is less painful for my wrists. In this position, I can do lots of fun things to his perineum and testicles, which makes him orgasm so many times without ejaculting! I love it; twice the fun and no mess!
• Dom: I love to go down on her and taste her. It is the best when she cums in my mouth. :) I also love to talk dirty to her for hours and hours! She gets so wound up and excited. I do, too! It makes me look forward to the first available private moment.

10) What is your favorite fetish to have done for you?

• Dom: I my favorite thing is when she struggles. It's totally dirty, but I love a good struggle and then to watch her give in. It's sooooo hot! Getting sweaty while wrestling and giving her a few good, firm slaps to the face is amazing.
• C: Spanking, dirty talking, general forcefulness.
• Sub: For me, probably talking really, really, really dirty and calling me terrible names! It makes me so hot. I also adore it when he talks dirty to me for hours, getting me all wound up, and then he can make me ejaculte multiple times. It is the best feeling in the world to come 7 or 8 times. It is rare to get me that worked up, but I LOVE it when he can!

Cheap Ideas for BDSM Play

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.