My Pattern of Submission

I'm becoming aware of a pattern I have that allows me to either sink into subspace, and acquiese sexually to my Dom in the bedroom, or that keeps me from letting go of that last bit of mental control and submitting fully.

As I understand it, here's the pattern:

1. Top-space. This is the normal, vanilla headspace where I live most of my life. Here, I am more independent and free-thinking, although I still submit to my husband at times.



2. Relaxation. As an abuse survivor, it is hard for me to relax before sex. Even when I want sex. My tendency is to get tense. I try to take deep breaths and focus, but it isn't in my control. My Dom will often do things to help me relax, such as talking to me, reminding me to breathe and relax, or stroking me soothingly. If those still don't work, he can usually get me to relax by distracting me (making me focus on pleasing him, for instance) or making me feel physically controlled (by tying me up, handcuffing me, pinching my nipples, choking me, or forcing his fingers down my throat).



3. Desire to Be Hurt. Once I am finally relaxed or distracted, I am often struck by an inexplicable desire for him to hurt me. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this admission! But instead of desiring physical pleasure (which is, I guess, what society says I am "supposed" to feel after I relax and before sex), I long to be hurt. I wish he would choke me, or torture my nipples, or pull my hair. I want him to make me in service to him and I want him to demonstrate his power over me. I also want to know that he wants to hurt me.



4. Being Hurt. If he hurts me, my pain will increase at first, and then decrease without explanation. Suddenly, my body releases endorphins and I descend into a much deeper relaxation than before. I start to float toward subspace, and hover just outside it.



5. Being Pushed. I usually just need one more big shove at this point to put me into subspace. I'll hover there, expectant and longing. He can do many things to give me this "big push." He can talk to me, telling me how he owns me. This is more a mental domination. Or he can hurt me more, which is especially effective if he also tells me how much he enjoys hurting me and how much it turns him on, and if he forces me to explain to him how much I am hurting. This is both pain-based and mental domination. Either the dirty talk or the pain, in a large enough dose, will give me that big push I need to enter into full submission.



6. Wanting Pleasure. In this level, I'm in subspace and I am greedy to experience everything he has to offer. I could lie there happily and take hours and hours of pain or pleasure (or both!). Here, pain no longer registers as pain and usually feels very sexual and pleasurable. I can take much higher doses of pain in this stage as well, and am often disappointed because he'll stop when "Topspace me" would be maxed out, but well before "Subspace me" is done.



7. Wanting to Serve. Once my greedy submissive desires have been sated, I also want to serve him. I am still in subspace, but now I'm feeling how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that delicious pain and pleasure he's just given me. In this stage, I'll do completely un-"Topspace me" like things like beg to serve him sexually, draw him a bath, or make him lunch. Usually, he has to force me to do these things!



8. Floating Down. Once we're done in the bedroom, I still feel submissive to him for several hours afterward. I stick to him like glue in public, get up to get him drinks or snacks, and worry a lot more about how he wants me to wear my hair, makeup, or clothes. Again, in Topspace, I'm more independent than this, so he thoroughly enjoys it!



9. Subdrop. The sad epilogue of a truly great scene. After I come floating off of my subspace cloud, I long to re-start the process (which is easier to jumpstart from Stage 8 than Stage 1) and feel it again. If we don't have time or he is at work, I eventually get sad and mopey. I long to feel subspace again. Sometimes I'll get emotional and grouchy, or test him to try to get my "submissive high" again.



10. Normal Topspace. Eventually, I go back to normal, which is basically Stage 1.

This pattern may be something other subs experience or it may not; it is, however, definitely the stages as I've noticed I go through them. It only really applies to sexual submission, as outside the bedroom I can easily get him lunch or do his laundry while still in top-space.

If there is a breakdown at some stage of the pattern (usually Stage 2, 3, or 4 are the places we get stalled), it's impossible for me to get into subspace or be that willing sexual submissive he wants me to be. It may be because of my history; an inability to relax before sex or feel pleasure without being dominated and hurt can definitely hijack the normal process of sexual arousal. Yet I know many kinksters who prefer sex with pain and/or domination, so I don't think it can be 100% attributed to an abusive past.

Either way, I'm not sure why I do TTWD, but this is what works for me.

Subspace and Subdrop--Warning! May Increase Pleasure!

We have written on this topic before, but only from a very distant, theoretical approach. I am writing now from a personal point of view.

I was just in and out of sub space less than an hour ago. My Dom had to leave to go to work, so I am left now, thinking dreamily about him. Luckily he was able to provide sufficient aftercare before he left that I am feeling fine. While I can get out of hardcore subspace in a few minutes, I'm finding it takes minutes and hours to completely come back to reality. It is like I have been asleep, and it takes me several hours to completely lose the groggy feeling.

Since I am pretty new to subspace, I thought I might help out fellow subs by describing how it feels for us newbies. I've heard there is a different type of subspace, brought on by an endorphin high after pain, and I've never tried that; this subspace is completely emotional.

Experienced BDSMers talk about subspace as though the rest of us should know what it is. But how do we newbies know? Honestly, the first few times I was in subspace, I didn't realize what it was. I just knew I felt very obedient for a while. I can best describe it now as an altered state of consciousness, similar to what you get from other altered states of consciousness: being drunk, doing pot, sleeping, dreaming, undergoing hypnosis.

How do you know when you are in subspace? For me, it feels very dreamy. My Dom describes me as saying I seem "zombie-like," although I prefer "dreamy"--much better image, no? :) As a sub, you will go from feeling quite normal and maybe even rather bratty and having a lot of fight in you, to suddenly very quiet, docile, and obedient. I'm a very mouthy, opinionated, independent, strong woman normally---but when my Dom puts me in subspace (usually by yelling at me or speaking sternly to me, like I'm a small child), I change completely. Suddenly I am obedient to everything he says. It doesn't occur to me to fight with him or argue with him. I am incredibly sensitive during this time. Things that usually turn me on, like insulting me or calling me names, will utterly devastate me in this mood. I feel like a dreamy, obedient slave, doing everything he says without question (or at least with minimal whining!). He is suddenly my entire focus of being, and without him to give me a command I would probably just sit dumbly and wait. Things that in "normal space" I would not do or find gross/embarrassing, I do without question now because he wants it. I feel needy and sensitive, and want 100% to please him, which is why any insults, harsh words, dirty talk, or hint of being angry at me or disappointed in me will send me into a spiral of depression.

I love being in subspace! It is a welcome relief from the stresses of the world. I am normally so busy being my Dom's equal, worrying about life and family and friends and maintaining a relationship, being a good worker and Christian and maintaining healthy balances and hobbies and interests. I am a go-getter, an achiever, and driven. Suddenly that all goes away, and I feel numb and dreamy, and nothing exists in the world but my Dom. It is all so wonderfully simple. I want to please him, and I am 100% in touch with my base instincts at that moment---stripped bare of society and pretenses, I am a needy, clingy little girl and at the same time a completely sexual, horny, bottomless pit of sexual desire I want him to fill. All the facades have been stripped away, and I am stripped to the core of my being for those moments: serving him and getting sex.

It is a highly addictive feeling! I find I crave it more the more I experience it.

Of course, what is not fun is coming out of subspace. This is called subdrop. Once I orgasm, or when he quietly says, "Okay, Pretty Girl, come back out soon," I know to start heading back toward reality. Once he says that, he just needs to wait quietly for me to drift out on my own. But then I sort of crash. I am overwhelmed with an entirely irrational paranoia that I do not please him. I get sensitive, sad, clingy, needy, and whiny. I ask him again and again if he is happy, if I annoy him, does he mind I'm being needy?, etc, etc, etc. No matter how many times he reassures me, I still keep asking. Luckily for me my Dom is incredibly patient and has never once gotten annoyed at this irrational and somewhat infuriating behavior. He normally just laughs and enjoys it, seeing it as one more way he has power over me. He will reassure me endlessly, answering and re-answering the same questions as long as I need him to. This is our version of aftercare.

Every sub is different during subspace and subdrop, and I can only speak for myself. The closest feeling to being in subspace is the feeling of doing pot, and the closest analogy for subdrop is having a really depressed, needy day. Subspace is fantastic; subdrop is not.

Even though I'm enough out of subspace to function normally after only a few seconds or minutes, the feeling drifts with me for several more minutes or hours. I've heard of other subs during this time who wrote incredibly personal, needy emails to their Doms, only to regret it hours later when they felt normal! Suddenly I understand that, as in this mood I find myself wanting to express my undying adoration of him, but most of the time, in our regular lives as a Christian couple, I just want to smack him for not being more perfect! LOL.

If you happen to find yourself feeling numb and wanting nothing more than serve your Dom, congratulations.... you're in subspace. If you're a Dom who has the pleasure of a sub who is ready and willing to serve your every whim, enjoy the pampering and power you receive during this time. And if you're not there yet, keep playing BDSM, and eventually it will just happen. Trust me. It did for me.

Feeling Needy After Scenes

Many subs (and Doms, too!) feel needy, clingy, sensitive, or mopey after scenes. This can be due to subdrop or topdrop, or it can just be because of the vulnerable, strong emotions sex and BDSM bring out. How do you deal with it?

If it is due to topdrop/subdrop, it just means your partner feels needy and blue because the endorphin high is draining out of his system. The pain and adrenaline you provided him gave him a rush; now his body is coming out of the high. Just like coming off a light drug, there can be a real low for his body. The best thing to do is provide aftercare, and we've already written several posts about how to do that! (See the "aftercare" link on the right-hand side of the page under "Topics in this Blog" for more info.)

But as a sub, sometimes I feel needy and clingy after sex or BDSM, even when no endorphin high was involved. This is not a physical drop, but an emotional one. It is still difficult to feel.

Why?

Sex is highly emotional for both men and women. Your body starts pumping lots of chemicals into your blood stream, making you feel lots of great emotions. But this can also make you feel overwhelmed. Even when I like the feeling of sex, sometimes I have a strange desire to cry, weep, or just curl up in a ball and be sad. I usually fight these feelings, but my Dom is a very caring, understanding man and he encourages me to go ahead and cry if I need to. I haven't been able to yet, but I appreciate the offer.

I've done research on this, and this is normal for many women. There are many reasons this can happen. One is that sex and love just heighten the feelings you were already feeling. Another is that sex can be very emotional and vulnerable, and BDSM often requires that I tap into my deepest emotions, hidden sad places, and darkest past secrets to bring sub energy to the scene. This is great, but also very overwhelming and sad for me. Another reason is that many women feel like crying, laughing, or screaming during sex, because sex is emotional. BDSM brings out an emotional response in people! Sometimes the emotional response doesn't make sense, but it is still what you are feeling. Sex can be especially emotional for women if their G-spot or deep within their vagina/cervix is being stimulated. This can bring along a very powerful, emotional orgasm because it seems to tap into a woman's core. And of course some of the things hidden at a woman's core deserve to be laughed about, celebrated, cried over, worried about, or talked over once they finally come to light again! We keep our strongest fears, joys, and feelings there, and if sex brings them out, expect a strong emotional response! If you are a man, the best thing you can do for your partner is to share this emotional response with her; whatever she is feeling, you will help her by feeling it with her, too.

One of the sweetest stories I heard was of a man who helped a suffering woman heal by experiencing her emotions with her. As he stimulated her G-spot, she began to experience strong emotions. She started to cry, and he felt sad with her. They mourned together; the man said that whatever she was feeling, he mirrored back to her so she knew she was not going through this alone. Later, when she started to get angry and roar loudly, he got aggressive and angry-sounding right back, roaring with her. And when she finally collapsed, crying and happy, he held her and rejoiced right along with her.

For those of us with issues of rape, abuse, self-esteem issues, depression, mental or emotional disorders, broken homes, or past hurts, sex and BDSM can often tap right into those deep emotional wells. I think this is, in part, why we are so drawn to BDSM! Here is a safe, structured way to play with our pasts, re-explore history, and perhaps mourn the loss of innocence or re-write the story with our own rules this time around. It doesn't matter if you want to re-do the scene on your own terms this time, or simply re-visit old wounds to give yourself time to mourn them and heal; BDSM and a loving partner can help you achieve this!

Whatever the reasons that BDSM makes us feel clingy, I know it is a common feeling. Often after any sexual experience, I feel needy and clingy for my Dom. I suddenly worry that I am a disappointment and worry needlessly that he is not happy, relaxed, satisfied, or happy with the experience. I go from a confident, sexy woman to a clingy girl in need of reassurance. In this mood, I need lots of physical affection, compliments, and words of affirmation. I tend to get really whiny, asking, "Did you like it? Are you sure? Are you sure???? You don't really think I'm a whore, do you?" quite plaintively. Even if I was enjoying the wild sex and emotional humilation 30 seconds before, now I need to be held and comforted.

In this mood, teasing, seeming dissatisfied, or continuing to play the Dom will devastate me. I feel super sensitive and emotional, and if he keeps calling me dirty or belittling me like he was in the scene, I start to cry. He has to be very careful because it can be hard for him to know when I make the emotional switch from "in scene" to "out of scene."

The best thing for me in this mood is to be close to my Dom; I don't want to be away from him. I need him to hold me, often cradling my head, and the more body contact we can get, the better! I need him to switch from the mean, sexy torturer to the nurturer. He usually rubs my head, tells me how good I am, reiterates tirelessly how much he enjoyed the scene and me, and keeps answering my repetitive questions as long as I need him to.

Other women say things they like during this time are physical contact, affection, compliments, and reassurance. Some don't want to talk, but simply be held or allowed to curl up at his feet. Some need to be cuddled or pampered by their Doms. You Doms are sometimes really good at playing the mean, nasty rapist, and while we love it, when we're done we need reassurance that you are still the same good, loving man who loves us as before. We want to know we're not a disappointment, we're not really dirty or slutty, and you are happy with our performance. We are subs because we like to please. Please reassure us that you are happy with us, with you, with the sex, with the scene, and with the world.

Tapping into all those scary, forbidden emotions for you is a rush, but can be quite demanding and taxing, and we need lots of TLC afterward. I know when I feel clingy and sad after a scene, I feel like I'm a failure and the whole world has gone wrong. The best thing my Dom can do for me in these moods is hold me, reassure me, and keep telling me, "All is right in the world, babe. The world is an okay place. Everything is fine, everyone is fine, the world is fine and you are safe. All is right in the world."

Rape Fantasies: Are They Normal?

Many women (and men) are disturbed by rape fantasies. They think they must be sick, immoral, or wrong. They harbor these fears in secret, never sharing them with partners, ashamed and afraid. I'm here to tell you that these feelings are normal! Before we talk about how to incorporate rape fantasies into BDSM, let's explore some basics of the common fetish of rape fantasies.

Q: Are rape fantasies normal?
Absolutely! They are one of the most common fantasies around. An article by Saneesh Michael says that "most" women have them. While I'm not sure where she got this idea, it is certainly a common phenomenon. I know many of my female friends have sighed with relief when we finally talked about it, saying, "Good! I didn't know this was normal, and I thought I was crazy!"

Q: How many people have them, exactly?
It depends on which studies you read. Some studies say 19%, some say 47%, and the highest says 59%. The most current research estimates that anywhere from a third to half of all women have them. These fantasies could vary from being unwillingly seduced to orgasm to violent scenes of painful, savage rape. Of course, the study results depend on the women surveyed and the questions asked, but either way, rape fantasies are definitely common.

Q: What does having these fantasies mean? Am I sick or masochistic?
Several years ago, psychiatrists used to think so, but now researchers have shown this to be false. They now think these fantasies indicate other things. The common idea that "women who fantasize of rape actually want to be raped" is false. There are many theories out there, some better than others:

1. "Women have been taught to repress their sexual urges, so rape gives them a way to remain innocent while still being sexually active." However, studies on this have been inconclusive. Some studies found a women who felt guilty about sex were more likely to have rape fantasies, some found there was no relationship, and some found women who didn't feel guilty about sex were more likely to fantasize about being raped. In general, the newest research seems to suggest this theory is incorrect.
2. "Women find it sexy to be so desired that a man will break all the rules to have her." Some women are simply excited by the idea of being so sexually powerful and seen as so desirable that a man would absolutely lose control and take her against her will.
3. "Women are biologically predisposed to violence and rape in mating." The theory of biological predisposition would explain why both men and women have rape fantasies: women have a need to be fought over, pursued, and dominated, while men have a need to seek, fight, overpower, and dominate. It is certainly true that some male animals fight for their female, then try to awe her in a display of dominance. Perhaps we are simply acting out our wildest, most primal instincts.
4. "Emotional arousal heightens sexual arousal." Many studies have proven that feeling frightened, anxious, or angry before sex heightens the sexual drive. Women whose blood is already pumping and emotional state is already aroused are much quicker to respond sexually to graphic pictures. This is why many people are especially passionate after a fight or when they have just been badly frightened. This theory helps explain why rape fantasies, and BDSM in general, might help heighten sexual pleasure for women.

Q: I have actually been raped, but I still have rape fantasies.
From what I've read, this is very normal. As a very wise Fetlife member said, "Having rape fantasies is normal for women. And raped or not, you are still a normal woman." Sometimes your brain may take scenes from the actual rape, as a chance to make a terrible moment exciting, sexual, and in your control. Other times, you will simply fantasize about being overpowered like other women do. Either way, this is normal and healthy.

Q: Do men have rape fantasies, too?
Absolutely. Although, surprisingly, men have fewer rape fantasies than women. Many men are ashamed to admit it, but actually it is natural for a man to want to overpower and dominate his mate. Just as the women who fantasize don't want to actually be raped, these men do not actually wish to harm or rape a woman.

Q: I am a man who fantasizes about being the victim of rape, or a woman fantasizing about raping a man. Is this normal?
While it is less common, this is still normal. Some women enjoy the power trip of raping a man, forcing him to have sex at knife- or gunpoint. And some men enjoy the idea of being completely dominated by a woman, just as women do. These are both sane fantasies.

Q: Do these fantasies mean women and men actually want to participate in a rape?
No! While both genders have fantasies about raping or being raped, having these thoughts doesn't mean they want to make them real. Some people prefer to keep them as fantasies, sharing them with no one. Others like to act them out with their partners, using standard BDSM scene etiquette by communicating and agreeing beforehand, utilizing safewords, and "playing" rape. For either gender, nonconsenual or truly violent rape is a sexy thought but an abhorrent reality.

Q: Why are rape fantasies sexy for some people?
A woman in an online article put it this way: "I think it's innate for every woman to have an internal need to be wanted so badly that a man would take sex from her." My friend D. explained to me, "I think it's just the idea of someone being in control of you...*happy sigh*" Our friend C. chimed in, "It's just the next natural step beyond regular domination and submission." My Dom likes the power trip, and I enjoy the feeling of being totally vulnerable and helpless, while being totally desired by a strong, masculine man who has overpowered me emotionally and physically.

Q: Is it safe for my partner and me to act out our rape fantasies?
This depends. For some, it may be too disturbing or traumatic, which is why you should never try it without a safeword. Also, lots of communication beforehand is crucial, because you could inflict serious emotional damage in a rape scene gone wrong. If a rape scene sounds like too much, your fantasies should probably stay safely in your head. But if you want to try it, go ahead; with two consenting adults who both get off on the thrill of rape play, it can be perfectly safe and healthy.

Q: What could be the benefits of acting out my rape fantasies?
For one, it's sexy. :) Another is that the heightened emotional and physical sensations of struggling, being frightened or scared, and fighting your attacker will make your body wake up and your blood start pumping, making you more turned on! Also, it can be very healing to admit these fantasies and act them out in a safe scenario, knowing they are normal and healthy. And if you have been the victim of rape or abuse, sometimes rape scenes give you the chance to re-write history, taking back a part of yourself that was lost and re-creating the event under your own control, by your own rules, and with your own consent.

Warning: While BDSM can be healing, some people need serious therapy. BDSM is not a substitute for professional help. Rape play is inherently dangerous, playing on the edge of emotional trauma, so subdrop and topdrop are especially likely, and aftercare is absolutely crucial.

My Resources:

Women's Erotic Rape Fantasies (study)

How Common Are Women's Rape Fantasies? (table)

What's Behind Rape Fantasies? (article)

Do Women Desire Forced Lovemaking? (article)

Safewords for Doms: Because Doms Are People, Too!

A safeword, obviously, is usually used by the bottom (or sub), to say that her limits have been pushed or the scene has gotten to real, scary, emotional, traumatizing, or painful. But tops (Doms) need safewords, too!

Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"

Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)

So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).

I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.

Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)

So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.

Be safe and have fun!

Subspace and Subdrop

There are two important aspects of the D/s relationship that aren't very evident to the beginner. The first one I'd like to mention is Subspace. This is a change in the mind of the sub, which takes them into a trance-like state. I've seen sources state it's akin to mediation or hypnosis. It seems to be a certain type of head space that is actually therapeutic for the sub. It is possible during the experience to access places in the sub's mind where they were previously abused. Recreating these events in a controlled environment can be a way for the sub to overcome the past. It is also pleasurable, because the levels of endorphins and hormones present in the bloodstream cause a euphoric state. This is a difficult subject to write anything authoritative due to the experiences being very unique and individualized.

How do we get there?

Sometime during the scene, the sub will become more and more detached from what is going on around them. Sometimes the beginning of subspace will come at the first command and others will need a longer warm-up. Your job as the Dom is to continue issuing firm and simple commands. Always be sure to enforce discipline with your sub so they know you are watching and care about them. They will most likely try and resist, but you should be well aware of this. Continue on and don't give in when the sub becomes a little bratty. You will start to see the sub get more turned on and more compliant. The natural high your actions induce will be more and more evident. Eventually, the sub will start to obey commands without resistance and display traits of an out-of-body experience. Welcome your sub to subspace.

What happens afterward?

Now the second item I want to mention is subdrop, which occurs directly after you finish the scene. This is the natural depression that follows subspace. The body's own painkilling chemicals and morphine-like drugs start to wear off. The corporal and emotional pain you caused is starting to settle in the sub's mind. Your job as the Dom is not over once the scene is. You are now to follow through with aftercare (refer to my sub's great post for tips). Take care of the wounds you created and cuddle your sub. Communicate to them how much you love them and how special they are. Get them water and a blanket. You should treat your sub like a patient going into shock, because that is exactly what their body is doing.

Final Thoughts

The experiences for the Dom and sub during subspace/subdrop will be highly unique. The Dom will be in control from start to finish and experience the rush of adrenaline power can bring. The sub will receive natural high courtesy of their bodies and Doms. It is a useful state that can bring pleasure and/or healing. Doms should always give aftercare during subdrop. It is the most important step. Lack of aftercare could result in your sub doubting their trust in you. I think that in order for this to be a working part of your S&M routine you have to be open to it and create a comfortable environment for both people.

References

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/yieldingsubspace.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/Sub_Space.html

http://www.steel-door.com/access_subspace.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subspace_(BDSM)