Anal + TIH

While I consider our relationship to fall within the umbrella of Taken in Hand (TIH) relationships, I think for us, anal sex has evolved to take the place of spanking. Don't get me wrong, at the beginning spanking was something we both enjoyed, but it was short-lived and he seems to gravitate the last 8-12 months toward anal domination.

Why?

An excellent question. He says he enjoys it because it's a way to dominate me, totally and utterly. I hate it. It's like Doule's experience, which has regrettably been deleted, or this blogger's depictions of anal orgasms.

Maybe it's for many reasons. I don't know everything that goes on in his head, and he is regrettably close-lipped during sex. But I know he likes to control me. Likes how I hate it. Likes how I cry or fight or beg or go limp. Likes how I look as I arch under him. Likes how I clench down on him when he reaches around and pinches my nipples. Likes how I cry out as he rips pleasures out of me. Likes how humiliated I become. Likes how I collapse before him. He tells me these things that he likes, sometimes, as he rides me and I am helpless beneath him.

It's not the physical that causes the orgasm, it's the mental. The subordination. The pain, the confusion, the pleasure. The torture, the humiliation, the father figure, the lord, the master, the boss, the chieftain, the priest. The shuddering submission and the dark enveloping pleasure of sub space.

For us, it's not maintenance spankings or punishment spanking sessions. It's maintenance anal and anal rape as a punishment. It affects me in a deeper, more personal way than spanking does. The pain is more broad and dull, less sharp, more bearable, more pleasurable. The anger spanking brings in me goes away as I fight and am conquered, irrevocably, irretrievably. He invades me; he conquers me; it is done. There is no more to be done but to submit. From inside, grasping my hair in rough handfuls, he controls me as reins do a horse, riding me to his climax even when I weep and collapse from the pain.


Yet it's all the same message as TIH. The man is in charge, the man holds the reins. The woman submits to his will, to his rules, to his specifications, and if she does not she can expect to be punished. Many TIH couples use spanking as a punishment, but not all. Right now, we do not. But my bottom is still punished. Oh, yes it is.

Rape in Consensual Non-Consent Relationships

I've been thinking about the online article When Rape is a Gift over at the Taken in Hand website. This article is by The Boss, who has also written such gems as Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum, The Missionary Position, and Happy Living in Fear of a Man, and The Subjection of Women. If you are interested in Taken in Hand and haven't read these articles, you really should. They are some of my favorites.

When Rape is a Gift is such a powerful title, don't you think? It evokes emotions almost immediately. Usually, they are negative. And rightly so. Rape the way we think of is--a man or woman being forced or coerced into an unwanted sexual encounter--is a terrible thing for the victim. Whether the rapist is a stranger, an acquaintance, or your spouse, rape is a tragic event.

But what about unwanted sexual encounters within a relationship that is already defined as consensual non-consent?

First, a few words about CNC. I've noticed some bloggers lately who seem to think CNC means the sub operates without any kind of limits or safeword whatsoever. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but let me be clear that in my CNC relationship, I have a safeword.

If a Dom in a CNC-relationship commands his sub to have sex with him and she obeys, even when she doesn't want to, is that rape? What about when a HoH says he expects his wife to "be sexually available" to him at all times? Isn't that similar to rape? Or the tricky one--when a Dom in a CNC tells his sub he wants sex, and she says no and fights or begs or pleads not to, but he takes it anyway, is that rape?

All of the above situations are similar to rape. They are not legal rape because all of those situations involve consent. Consent is either given at the time (implicitly through obedience) or it has been given earlier (engaging in a CNC relationship). But to take sex from a partner who is unwilling at that time is still, on some level, a rape.

My Dom is understandably uncomfortable with me using the word "rape." This is because he loves me and would never, ever hurt me. He has shown nothing but respect for my safeword when I have felt it necessary to use it.

But when he wants to have sex, and takes it from me even when I may be kicking and fighting or pleading with him not to, this is what I believe the author is referring to in When Rape is a Gift.

Sometimes I don't want to have sex. Sometimes--and this admission will make me unpopular in the BDSM world--I will deny my Dom sex and fight against him. Sometimes I'm too tired or angry. Most of the time, it's because I'm feeling distant and defensive and intimacy is the last thing I want with him right then.

This morning, he took it anyway.

I said no and struggled to get away. He pinned me down. I struggled. I panicked a bit. Eventually, I calmed down and gave in.

I wouldn't advise this for those new to D/s or BDSM. My Dom and I have just recently begun exploring this limit of mine after years of communication and shelving it as a "hard limit." We've talked a lot about it. A lot. And he monitored me carefully the whole time.

"You can use your safeword," he reminded me at the very beginning. (Often, he reminds me of this because if I get panicked enough, I forget I have it. He has now started reminding me at the start of scenes.)

Later, he asked me, "How are you feeling?"

I had no words. I couldn't talk. I wasn't in subspace, but I was acting similarly: words weren't coming to me, I wasn't very in touch with how I was feeling, I wasn't sure what my emotions were. I didn't have that same happy/submissive/floaty feeling, but I couldn't answer.

I just shook my head.

"I need you to talk to me right now," he said gently.

I shrugged. Paused. (Normally he can't get me to shut up, I swear.) "I don't know," I finally came up with (brilliant!).

"Stop. Think. I need you to tell me," he said.

I squinted my eyes and searched the ceiling for an answer. Pause pause pause. He waited patiently. "I'm... okay," I managed.

He told me he loved me. He talked to me, because he knows (after months and years of talking about it, mind you!) that I need that verbal connection to stay engaged.

"I own you," he told me. "Nobody else. I want to own all of you. I'll fight for you. I'll fight to get those pieces back you've been keeping from me." (Have I been keeping pieces? Not intentionally... but he's right.)

Afterward, I cuddled him. As usual, I was full of questions. What did he feel about what had just happened? Had he liked it? Was it good? Was that rape?

"It's not rape," he said, suddenly uncomfortable.

I tried to explain that I didn't mean rape in a bad way; I meant rape in an okay way. He shied away from using that term. Rape seemed to him something done by a bad guy to a victim. He loved me, he insisted (I knew that). He was using sex as a way for us to reconnect because it was best for me, even when I didn't like it (I understood that, too). He didn't like it when I would fight intimacy with him, withholding myself physically and emotionally, creating distance between us. He had overpowered me because he knew it was best for us and our relationship. He was doing his part to lead us, ensuring I didn't hijack our marriage by creating and maintaining distances that weren't supposed to be there.

All this was true. I could have used my safeword at any time if I had had a flashback to abuse or completely flipped out and needed to stop. He was using sex to bring us closer, not tear me down.

And he was right. I did feel closer. I can't claim I liked the sex--or being forced into it--but he broke down my walls. We cuddled afterward. I talked a lot more. I finally felt relaxed and safe, connected to my Dom, not sad and distant and anxious about every little thing. I started the morning with a happy smile on my face. It re-centered me.

In the short term, it may have looked like rape. But in the long term, I had already given my consent to a CNC relationship with this man I knew and trusted. We had worked long and hard and stumbled through many potholes and roadblocks to build the knowledge of each other that allowed him to push past my boundaries safely and sanely.

I didn't like it at the time. But he is the leader of our household and the ultimate decision was his.

The One Twue Way

In [insert your community here: BDSM, D/s, DD, CDD, Taken in Hand, M/s, etc.], in all these very interrelated communities, there is always someone who feels like they are not following "The One Twue Way."

No, that's not a typo. The twue way is just like a twue sub or a twue dom. There is no one right way to do it. There is no way you must be.

The online blogger communities are great for me because I can get so many great ideas. I can see how these relationships work in real life. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. I always try to share really good quotes or posts with my Dom, so he can share in this community, too.

In my online meanderings, I've found slaves with very detailed lists of rules and slaves with no real rules. I've met subs who love to submit and please, and subs who have to be forced into it and conquered. I've read posts by DD or CDD women who had to beg their husbands to discipline them and women who still beg their husbands not to.

Love it or hate it, if TTWD (This Thing We Do) is also TTYD (This Thing You Do), you fit in here.

It doesn't matter if you have rules or not. If your husband spanks you or not. If you have rituals or not. If you are good at submitting or not. If you call your husband a Master, Sir, Dom, or Head of Household, or none of the above.

This community has enough room for everyone.

The sad thing, I think, is when reading others' blogs and participating in online communities (like Fetlife and Taken in Hand) makes us feel alienated and alone, instead of encouraged and inspired. I've felt that way. Other bloggers (I'm specifically thinking of Libby, Kaya, and Stormy, but there are more) have also recently written about it. I think at some point, many of us feel like maybe we don't fit in here. Yet the point is to learn from others--their mistakes and successes, but mostly just their stories.

Each one of us is in a relationship that is completely and utterly unique. I believe God planned a specific person for each one of us. As Genesis 2:18 says:

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

The word for "man" here is the Hebrew word hadam or adam, and it means man, mankind, or human. The word applied to the woman is ezer, meaning a help or helper, someone who gives aid. For this specific man, God created a specific helper who would fit him-- in other words, they complemented each other. Eve probably wouldn't have fit so well with any other man, because God hadn't created her to be a lifemate to anyone else. These two went specifically together.

There are a lot more of us on the earth now, but the basic principle remains the same. Each couple is made uniquely to suit. I can see how God knew, even better than my husband or I did, how we were going to complement each other and fit each other's needs. Sure, in the past I had dated other, very nice, boys, but I prayed hard about who I should end up with and so I trust that I was led to the right one for me.

So of course it seems obvious that what works for my Dom and me is not what's going to work for many other D/s couples. Our communities should be here to encourage and support one another--to give us the edification that yes, there are other people out there like us, other people struggling along similar journeys and having similar experiences and making similar mistakes. We have a lot to learn from one another.

But there is no "right" or "wrong" way to build your relationship. If you are communicating with each other, praying about it, and staying safe, sane, and consensual, you shouldn't ever feel like you are a misfit or don't belong. There is no "One Twue Way."

Unless my Dom asks. And then, you should tell him it's my way.

Just kidding.

But....but what if she doesn't like it?

This beautiful painting is an image of Eve despairing in the garden of Eden, after she has eaten the forbidden fruit. As a clear example of how marriages and lives can go wrong without the presence of godly male leadership, Christians have the famous story of the Garden of Eden in Genesis. I chose the painting because it beautifully depicts the despair and hopelessness that can enter our lives when our husbands do not provide the leadership and guidance they are called to.

The story began thousands of years ago, and it continues today. Like Eve, many women are headstrong and opinionated. Like Adam, many men are passive and compliant. Today, in BDSM relationships and out of them, the saga continues: women cry out for strength and leadership, and men ask the age-old question:

"But what if she doesn't like it?"

This is a question I think many, if not all, Doms and Masters struggle with when they enter into a D/s relationship. Let's face it: hitting girls, pushing them, yelling at them, calling them names, and tying them up are pretty big cultural "no-nos" in our society.

My Dom, even after years of BDSM and D/s activity, still struggles with this. He doesn't want to hurt me, he wants to be "fair," or he just doesn't want to accidentally trigger past flashbacks that will freak me out. He tries to be very cautious, which is good, because safety and caution are important aspects of D/s. On the other hand, if you're too safe and cautious, you end up being a "nice guy" and not a "sexy, strong" guy.

What's a guy to do?

I've read a lot on this subject, and it's not an uncommon question.

Let me just put it this way: Is she hinting that she'd like to be dominated more? Is she complaining that you don't hurt her enough? Is she asking to be scared, or hurt, or beaten? If she is, that means she wants it. People can say BDSM is unhealthy all they want, but if it makes two consenting adults happy, I say go for it. We each get to define what "healthy" is for our own relationship. And if you have a sub or slave that is longing for more D/s or violence or BDSM or whatever, and you don't give it to her because you're such a "nice guy," you're going to end up with a very unhappy, bitter slave who is not getting her needs met, and instead of being such a great, wonderful, sweet guy, you're the sissy who wasn't man enough to meet her needs even when she outright asked for it.

Don't believe me that you're not alone?

Check out Domination for Nice Guys by Franklin Veaux. This article answers such common questions as, "But men aren't supposed to do that to women!", "Where do I even start with this stuff?", and "But I don't want to hurt her!" If these questions sound like you, I recommend this article. This was one of the first articles I read when I was new to BDSM, and it's great.

Not surprisingly, other philosophies of male-led domination in marriage such as Taken in Hand and Christian Domestic Discipline have similar articles. Check out, for instance:

Note: Some of these links give a "Forbidden" message, but you simply need to click "Refresh" or hit "Enter" in the URL bar.

• A Noble Calling: The Husband's Role in DD
• What If He Is Horrified by the Idea?
• Reluctant Men
• Micromanagement Works For Me!

One thing I've noticed on both TiH and CDD sites is that most of the articles are written by women, for women. It's women who are running these sites, women who are writing in to beg advice for how to get their husbands to dominate them, and mostly women who initiate D/s in their relationships.

Lucky is the woman whose man has the initiative and drive to find out about D/s, learn what it is, and initiate it in their relationship. But for most couples, it's the woman who does all that work.

In A Noble Calling: A Husband's Role in DD, author Brent says:

Many women want Domestic Discipline and even initiate it by suggesting the notion to their husbands. A wise man, if he’s inclined, will take her up on it, for the joys are myriad. Women, being wise (for God made them that way since wisdom goes hand in hand with motherhood!) often realize the benefits that structure and discipline can have in their own lives and in their relationship.

Truly, while D/s isn't for everyone, some women prefer to have structure and order in their lives. Some women would rather have a confident man's man than a "nice guy." They will be happier, healthier, and feel more secure.

So man up, men!

Taken in Hand

Taken in Hand is not technically a type of BDSM, but it is similar, and it's very similar to Christian Domestic Discipline, or CDD (to read more about CDD on my blog, click here). Kinksters involved in BDSM or D/s relationships can also be Taken in Hand, or couples practicing Taken in Hand can also be involved in kink.

Taken in Hand is a style of relationship when men lead women. In that, TiH is very similar to power exchanges or D/s in BDSM. Both involve a consensual power exchange where one partner has control or power over another. However, D/s can be heterosexual or bi or gay, male-led or female-led, monogamous or poly, married or single or committed, full-time or part-time. TiH is much more specific: the website is designed for male-led, monogamous marriages only.

I like Taken in Hand because, like CDD, it is very compatible with Christian-style BDSM. Although TiH is not specifically Christian, it can be. The Bible verses that discuss marital submission always indicate such relationships should be male-led, and TiH follows that model, although not because of Biblical reasons.

Another thing I like about TiH is that it expects, even encourages, women to be strong, independent, and powerful. The whole point of a TiH relationship is that the woman wants to be conquered and the man wants to conquer, as opposed to D/s where the sub submits and the Dom or Domme leads.

One thing I don't like about the website is its lack of organization. You can wander around the articles--which are very good--for days and not come across the same one twice. The articles are listed alphabetically and by subject, but it's impossible to find a favorite article again later once you've left the site. Also, the profiles leave much to be desired--they tell you only the person's screenname and years on the site, no information about them or links to their writings and posts on the site. Additionally, I've had trouble commenting and my comments never show up. So while I like the idea, the whole thrown-together approach at a website drives me nuts.

If you're interested in a support group where you can learn lots about male-led marriages where the man leads and the woman is, not submissive, but taken in hand (controlled/conquered), check out Taken in Hand!