A Safeworded Scene is Sometimes the Best

Safewords are so common in BDSM, you'll hear about them all the time. These can be used by the sub or the Dom at any time to stop or pause a scene when something goes wrong or when one of them can't take any more.

A lot of people are willing to safeword if they need to, but then they think the scene is "ruined." This isn't true, since I know people who will safeword, pause the scene, and then just go right back into it once they have fixed whatever was the problem. But sometimes a safeword means a scene needs to stop RIGHT THEN.

Well, I had to do an emergency safeword the other night, and I've been thinking about this. I actually believe our scene was somehow better than other times when I haven't safeworded.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't having fun at the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have had to call our safeword (or safe phrase, in our case). I needed him to stop, and I needed him to stop right then. But terrible as it was at the time, I realized later that I'd gotten what I'd needed out of the scene. I'd been terrified, angry, frightened, and broken. My Dom didn't know that yet, and I had taken all I could take, so I called it quits and he immediately started taking care of me---in fact, he felt awful. But I tried to explain to him later (when I could talk!) that I'd rather have a scene be so overwhelming and complete that I have to immediately safeword out of it, than have a scene where my limits aren't stretched and everything goes smoothly and safely but at the end, I feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

Let me describe what happened.

Making me cry is a very hard thing to do. First, I'm a woman, and second, I'm a redhead. Both these contribute to me having a high pain tolerance. But mostly, as an individual I just have an incredibly high pain tolerance and immense self control. I was emotionally abused as a teenager, and that has kept me from being able to express my emotions healthily as an adult. I can keep myself from crying, to the point where I can't cry even when I want to.

So sometimes in a scene, my goal is for him to break me to the point where I can cry. For some reason I can't get myself there alone. I can't cry. When I try, the tears don't come. Even when he hits me or yells at me, I'll often get close to tears, but no tears will come. It's very frustrating, because BDSM is all about me wanting to get that release that I can't otherwise have. It's about wanting him to have that control and closeness to me that I otherwise don't know how to give him.

We discussed things that actually scare me, and one of them is being slapped repeatedly in the face. Don't get me wrong, I love being slapped a few times; it even makes me come harder. But the only person who has beaten me repeatedly in the face is my mother, so it's natural that those repeated slaps across the face, with no chance to defend myself or have a break to pull myself together again, take me right back to that victimization of my childhood. Sure, it's a terrible feeling, but in the end it is the only way to break me down.

Well, my Dom went at it a lot harder than he had before. I am used to a few slaps, then a break, but he just kept hitting me and hitting me. After a while, I got absolutely pissed. I am not used to feeling such intense anger, and I would have beaten the crap out of him, except he had me pinned down! I wasn't playing anymore, I was FURIOUS. Then he started slapping me again. It wasn't fun, sexy slapping, either; this was a harsh beating on both sides of my face. I started to whimper and fight him in earnest. He was beating the crap out of me, I was screaming for him to stop, I was starting to cry, and the whole time he just kept coming and slapping and hitting me without a pause or a break. He kept screaming, "Break, damn you! Break!" I started to cry and fight him in earnest, but he was too big for me. The pain in my face was becoming unbearable. I tried to safeword, but I couldn't breathe. I started screaming for him to stop. Finally, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, I choked out, "I c----!" and started wailing.

That was all I got out, but it was close enough to our safeword ("I can't") that all hitting stopped immediately. He gathered me into his arms, held me, and I laid there and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

He told me later that he felt terrible, that he had been trying to watch to see when I started to cry, but that he hadn't felt or seen it and thought he should keep going. He was worried I was angry with him, but why would I be? He had done everything exactly as we'd discussed: he'd made me hit my limits, and once I safeworded he had stopped immediately. It wasn't his fault if the scene had gotten too intense, too fast.

I cried myself out for a good long while while he held me. My face ached, and once I was all cried out he went to get me some water and some ice for my face. My cheeks were a lovely rosy color, but the right side of my face was swelled up and I was seriously afraid I would have a black eye (I didn't). My face was aching and so my Dom tucked me into bed and held the ice to my face. I fell into a deep sleep that lasted for 12 hours, completely released and cried out.

Later, we discussed the whole thing. He said he'd felt top drop for the first time, seeing me cry like that after what he'd done to me. He felt terrible that I'd had to use my safeword. I tried to explain to him that is what safewords are for! Yes, the scene got too much for me and we had to stop, but in the end that meant I was 100% worn out and had gotten to cry out all my negative emotions. I felt much more calm and at peace after I'd calmed down than I would have if we'd done a lighter scene that didn't cause me any emotional reaction at all.

For me, the scene was both bad and good. Like so many BDSM scenes are for me as a sub, the scene itself was bad---I was being hurt, I was in physical and emotional pain, and I left it bruised and drained. But the thing I love about BDSM is that it lets me use those negative emotions and turn them in to a positive experience! As soon as I'd cried myself out and my Dom had turned back into the nice, loving man I know and not the maniacal monster who was hitting me, I felt so much better and at peace. I'd finally managed to cry, and it was a total catharsis. I'd found an outlet for my negative emotions, and I felt closer to my Dom, sleepy, safe, and exhausted. I slept hard and well. The next day, my face looked fine and was only slightly sore, and I felt more in love and happy than I'd felt in days. All my worries and anxieties had been melted away!

So yes, at the time it was scary. But the scene achieved its goal. And it has taught me: a safeworded scene is sometimes the best!

The First Time She Cried

Today, I am writing about the first time I made my sub cry, how I got her to do so, and what it felt like. The scene was one that I had thought long and hard on how to be unpredictable. My goal was to not only hurt her, but also make her feel my behavior couldn't be trusted. I apparently fulfilled my goal, because later on she explained she was honestly scared. I was sure to switch out avenues of pain often, because I didn't want her to get too bored. For a short time it was fingering with too many fingers or paddling or whipping. I was also sure to leave the room for short periods of time. I talked to her along the way to reassure her I wasn't leaving to go get an ice cream or anything rash.

After a good amount of abuse I could tell her limits were being pushed, in a good way. I had her against the wall, naked, and each time I would whip her, her back would arch. I got tired of it and decide the next time that happened I would slap her repeatedly. Well, both of these things happened. I was after the slapping that she started to cry. I thought there would just be a tear or two, because she's usually stubborn. However, I turned her around shortly thereafter and saw her cheeks wet. I knew then that I was turned on, happy, and fully sadistic. Although, I would never, never endanger her safety, the scene was made sexy by her crying. I don't know how to explain this, other than to give an account of it.

It was after this, I knew I had to start winding her down and ready for aftercare. I was progressively less mean and nasty. In my heart, I knew I had completed my goal. Making your sub cry could give you a rush, turn you on, make you feel truly sadistic for not caring, and set you up for topdrop as well. That's my take, what's yours?

Feeling Needy After Scenes

Many subs (and Doms, too!) feel needy, clingy, sensitive, or mopey after scenes. This can be due to subdrop or topdrop, or it can just be because of the vulnerable, strong emotions sex and BDSM bring out. How do you deal with it?

If it is due to topdrop/subdrop, it just means your partner feels needy and blue because the endorphin high is draining out of his system. The pain and adrenaline you provided him gave him a rush; now his body is coming out of the high. Just like coming off a light drug, there can be a real low for his body. The best thing to do is provide aftercare, and we've already written several posts about how to do that! (See the "aftercare" link on the right-hand side of the page under "Topics in this Blog" for more info.)

But as a sub, sometimes I feel needy and clingy after sex or BDSM, even when no endorphin high was involved. This is not a physical drop, but an emotional one. It is still difficult to feel.

Why?

Sex is highly emotional for both men and women. Your body starts pumping lots of chemicals into your blood stream, making you feel lots of great emotions. But this can also make you feel overwhelmed. Even when I like the feeling of sex, sometimes I have a strange desire to cry, weep, or just curl up in a ball and be sad. I usually fight these feelings, but my Dom is a very caring, understanding man and he encourages me to go ahead and cry if I need to. I haven't been able to yet, but I appreciate the offer.

I've done research on this, and this is normal for many women. There are many reasons this can happen. One is that sex and love just heighten the feelings you were already feeling. Another is that sex can be very emotional and vulnerable, and BDSM often requires that I tap into my deepest emotions, hidden sad places, and darkest past secrets to bring sub energy to the scene. This is great, but also very overwhelming and sad for me. Another reason is that many women feel like crying, laughing, or screaming during sex, because sex is emotional. BDSM brings out an emotional response in people! Sometimes the emotional response doesn't make sense, but it is still what you are feeling. Sex can be especially emotional for women if their G-spot or deep within their vagina/cervix is being stimulated. This can bring along a very powerful, emotional orgasm because it seems to tap into a woman's core. And of course some of the things hidden at a woman's core deserve to be laughed about, celebrated, cried over, worried about, or talked over once they finally come to light again! We keep our strongest fears, joys, and feelings there, and if sex brings them out, expect a strong emotional response! If you are a man, the best thing you can do for your partner is to share this emotional response with her; whatever she is feeling, you will help her by feeling it with her, too.

One of the sweetest stories I heard was of a man who helped a suffering woman heal by experiencing her emotions with her. As he stimulated her G-spot, she began to experience strong emotions. She started to cry, and he felt sad with her. They mourned together; the man said that whatever she was feeling, he mirrored back to her so she knew she was not going through this alone. Later, when she started to get angry and roar loudly, he got aggressive and angry-sounding right back, roaring with her. And when she finally collapsed, crying and happy, he held her and rejoiced right along with her.

For those of us with issues of rape, abuse, self-esteem issues, depression, mental or emotional disorders, broken homes, or past hurts, sex and BDSM can often tap right into those deep emotional wells. I think this is, in part, why we are so drawn to BDSM! Here is a safe, structured way to play with our pasts, re-explore history, and perhaps mourn the loss of innocence or re-write the story with our own rules this time around. It doesn't matter if you want to re-do the scene on your own terms this time, or simply re-visit old wounds to give yourself time to mourn them and heal; BDSM and a loving partner can help you achieve this!

Whatever the reasons that BDSM makes us feel clingy, I know it is a common feeling. Often after any sexual experience, I feel needy and clingy for my Dom. I suddenly worry that I am a disappointment and worry needlessly that he is not happy, relaxed, satisfied, or happy with the experience. I go from a confident, sexy woman to a clingy girl in need of reassurance. In this mood, I need lots of physical affection, compliments, and words of affirmation. I tend to get really whiny, asking, "Did you like it? Are you sure? Are you sure???? You don't really think I'm a whore, do you?" quite plaintively. Even if I was enjoying the wild sex and emotional humilation 30 seconds before, now I need to be held and comforted.

In this mood, teasing, seeming dissatisfied, or continuing to play the Dom will devastate me. I feel super sensitive and emotional, and if he keeps calling me dirty or belittling me like he was in the scene, I start to cry. He has to be very careful because it can be hard for him to know when I make the emotional switch from "in scene" to "out of scene."

The best thing for me in this mood is to be close to my Dom; I don't want to be away from him. I need him to hold me, often cradling my head, and the more body contact we can get, the better! I need him to switch from the mean, sexy torturer to the nurturer. He usually rubs my head, tells me how good I am, reiterates tirelessly how much he enjoyed the scene and me, and keeps answering my repetitive questions as long as I need him to.

Other women say things they like during this time are physical contact, affection, compliments, and reassurance. Some don't want to talk, but simply be held or allowed to curl up at his feet. Some need to be cuddled or pampered by their Doms. You Doms are sometimes really good at playing the mean, nasty rapist, and while we love it, when we're done we need reassurance that you are still the same good, loving man who loves us as before. We want to know we're not a disappointment, we're not really dirty or slutty, and you are happy with our performance. We are subs because we like to please. Please reassure us that you are happy with us, with you, with the sex, with the scene, and with the world.

Tapping into all those scary, forbidden emotions for you is a rush, but can be quite demanding and taxing, and we need lots of TLC afterward. I know when I feel clingy and sad after a scene, I feel like I'm a failure and the whole world has gone wrong. The best thing my Dom can do for me in these moods is hold me, reassure me, and keep telling me, "All is right in the world, babe. The world is an okay place. Everything is fine, everyone is fine, the world is fine and you are safe. All is right in the world."

Rape Fantasies: Are They Normal?

Many women (and men) are disturbed by rape fantasies. They think they must be sick, immoral, or wrong. They harbor these fears in secret, never sharing them with partners, ashamed and afraid. I'm here to tell you that these feelings are normal! Before we talk about how to incorporate rape fantasies into BDSM, let's explore some basics of the common fetish of rape fantasies.

Q: Are rape fantasies normal?
Absolutely! They are one of the most common fantasies around. An article by Saneesh Michael says that "most" women have them. While I'm not sure where she got this idea, it is certainly a common phenomenon. I know many of my female friends have sighed with relief when we finally talked about it, saying, "Good! I didn't know this was normal, and I thought I was crazy!"

Q: How many people have them, exactly?
It depends on which studies you read. Some studies say 19%, some say 47%, and the highest says 59%. The most current research estimates that anywhere from a third to half of all women have them. These fantasies could vary from being unwillingly seduced to orgasm to violent scenes of painful, savage rape. Of course, the study results depend on the women surveyed and the questions asked, but either way, rape fantasies are definitely common.

Q: What does having these fantasies mean? Am I sick or masochistic?
Several years ago, psychiatrists used to think so, but now researchers have shown this to be false. They now think these fantasies indicate other things. The common idea that "women who fantasize of rape actually want to be raped" is false. There are many theories out there, some better than others:

1. "Women have been taught to repress their sexual urges, so rape gives them a way to remain innocent while still being sexually active." However, studies on this have been inconclusive. Some studies found a women who felt guilty about sex were more likely to have rape fantasies, some found there was no relationship, and some found women who didn't feel guilty about sex were more likely to fantasize about being raped. In general, the newest research seems to suggest this theory is incorrect.
2. "Women find it sexy to be so desired that a man will break all the rules to have her." Some women are simply excited by the idea of being so sexually powerful and seen as so desirable that a man would absolutely lose control and take her against her will.
3. "Women are biologically predisposed to violence and rape in mating." The theory of biological predisposition would explain why both men and women have rape fantasies: women have a need to be fought over, pursued, and dominated, while men have a need to seek, fight, overpower, and dominate. It is certainly true that some male animals fight for their female, then try to awe her in a display of dominance. Perhaps we are simply acting out our wildest, most primal instincts.
4. "Emotional arousal heightens sexual arousal." Many studies have proven that feeling frightened, anxious, or angry before sex heightens the sexual drive. Women whose blood is already pumping and emotional state is already aroused are much quicker to respond sexually to graphic pictures. This is why many people are especially passionate after a fight or when they have just been badly frightened. This theory helps explain why rape fantasies, and BDSM in general, might help heighten sexual pleasure for women.

Q: I have actually been raped, but I still have rape fantasies.
From what I've read, this is very normal. As a very wise Fetlife member said, "Having rape fantasies is normal for women. And raped or not, you are still a normal woman." Sometimes your brain may take scenes from the actual rape, as a chance to make a terrible moment exciting, sexual, and in your control. Other times, you will simply fantasize about being overpowered like other women do. Either way, this is normal and healthy.

Q: Do men have rape fantasies, too?
Absolutely. Although, surprisingly, men have fewer rape fantasies than women. Many men are ashamed to admit it, but actually it is natural for a man to want to overpower and dominate his mate. Just as the women who fantasize don't want to actually be raped, these men do not actually wish to harm or rape a woman.

Q: I am a man who fantasizes about being the victim of rape, or a woman fantasizing about raping a man. Is this normal?
While it is less common, this is still normal. Some women enjoy the power trip of raping a man, forcing him to have sex at knife- or gunpoint. And some men enjoy the idea of being completely dominated by a woman, just as women do. These are both sane fantasies.

Q: Do these fantasies mean women and men actually want to participate in a rape?
No! While both genders have fantasies about raping or being raped, having these thoughts doesn't mean they want to make them real. Some people prefer to keep them as fantasies, sharing them with no one. Others like to act them out with their partners, using standard BDSM scene etiquette by communicating and agreeing beforehand, utilizing safewords, and "playing" rape. For either gender, nonconsenual or truly violent rape is a sexy thought but an abhorrent reality.

Q: Why are rape fantasies sexy for some people?
A woman in an online article put it this way: "I think it's innate for every woman to have an internal need to be wanted so badly that a man would take sex from her." My friend D. explained to me, "I think it's just the idea of someone being in control of you...*happy sigh*" Our friend C. chimed in, "It's just the next natural step beyond regular domination and submission." My Dom likes the power trip, and I enjoy the feeling of being totally vulnerable and helpless, while being totally desired by a strong, masculine man who has overpowered me emotionally and physically.

Q: Is it safe for my partner and me to act out our rape fantasies?
This depends. For some, it may be too disturbing or traumatic, which is why you should never try it without a safeword. Also, lots of communication beforehand is crucial, because you could inflict serious emotional damage in a rape scene gone wrong. If a rape scene sounds like too much, your fantasies should probably stay safely in your head. But if you want to try it, go ahead; with two consenting adults who both get off on the thrill of rape play, it can be perfectly safe and healthy.

Q: What could be the benefits of acting out my rape fantasies?
For one, it's sexy. :) Another is that the heightened emotional and physical sensations of struggling, being frightened or scared, and fighting your attacker will make your body wake up and your blood start pumping, making you more turned on! Also, it can be very healing to admit these fantasies and act them out in a safe scenario, knowing they are normal and healthy. And if you have been the victim of rape or abuse, sometimes rape scenes give you the chance to re-write history, taking back a part of yourself that was lost and re-creating the event under your own control, by your own rules, and with your own consent.

Warning: While BDSM can be healing, some people need serious therapy. BDSM is not a substitute for professional help. Rape play is inherently dangerous, playing on the edge of emotional trauma, so subdrop and topdrop are especially likely, and aftercare is absolutely crucial.

My Resources:

Women's Erotic Rape Fantasies (study)

How Common Are Women's Rape Fantasies? (table)

What's Behind Rape Fantasies? (article)

Do Women Desire Forced Lovemaking? (article)

Safewords for Doms: Because Doms Are People, Too!

A safeword, obviously, is usually used by the bottom (or sub), to say that her limits have been pushed or the scene has gotten to real, scary, emotional, traumatizing, or painful. But tops (Doms) need safewords, too!

Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"

Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)

So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).

I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.

Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)

So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.

Be safe and have fun!