Confessions of a Choke-aholic

Some women are chocoholics. I am becoming a choke-aholic.

I had some delicious times with my Dom the last few days. I wouldn't call them "scenes," exactly, since they were not set times when we played, but rather just the few hours before bedtime when I can relax and ask him to "Dominate me," my constant plea right around those sleepy bedtime hours.

We have packed all our toys away in preparation for a future move, so we don't have the paddle or the slapper or most of our bondage stuff. No nipple clamps (sad face), which are actually just plastic clothes pins in kinky disguise.

But we still have fun.

The other night, he choked me. At first I felt quite smug, knowing he might be trying to scare me but would never get me close to passing out (see his admonitions on the subject here). After a few minutes of restricted air, I started to panic. And somehow, he knew just when to let go... he felt that time when I was really getting panicked, digging my nails into him and squirming like a hellion, but before I passed out.

It was a wonderful feeling. Once I gasped for breath, my body was flooded with the most wonderful, peaceful relaxation. It was like taking a dose of a wonderful drug that only lasted for about 10 seconds, but felt great when it did.

At the same time, choking can be dangerous. People have died playing with kinky asphixiation. If you hold off your partner's air too long, you can cause a stroke or heart attack. For me, we didn't get that far, but it still caused a headache once the blood when throbbing back into my head. With choking, you must always be very aware of the risks. My partner and I have only begun trying prolonged choking now, several years into our BDSM relationship. It can be dangerous.

However, having the man in my life be in so much control of me was both powerfully peaceful and an aphrodisiac. It made me go limp, open to his every desire or command. In that state of mind, I want him to boss me around, just to show his control. I love the feeling of weightless submission, where I feel floaty and peaceful and ridiculously obedient all at the same time. I can't understand why he doesn't take advantage of it more, since normally I am a mouthy little spit-fire. :)

The downside of getting me to this place?

It can hurt. Being choked or spanked or just bossed around hurts--either your body or your pride. Naturally, we want to fight against it. If my Dom starts the process of hurting me, but doesn't push me past the place where pain gives way to endorphins, relaxation, and submission, I just get pissy and more mouthy (read: less submissive) than normal. He is learning that he has to keep going at it to push me past the rebellious stage and into the subspace, willing-slave stage. If not? He has an angry, pissed-off redhead at his hands. (This is something that should strike fear into the hearts of all men.)

Will we play with choking and asphixiation all the time? No, because it's dangerous, and neither of us wants me to be in real danger. Would I recommend this activity for everybody? Absolutely not, especially if you are relatively new to the kinky lifestyle. But with a lifelong partner you know and trust.... trust me, it can be a turn-on.

Tragic BDSM Accident Leads to 2 Deaths

This story is so sad I thought I'd share.

In a powerful reminder that those of us who play with BDSM play with fire, two members of the Philadelphia BDSM community have died this week. It seems Goeke, a 37-year-old man, accidentally killed his girlfriend during consenual sex. How? They were playing with asphyxiation.

Goeke strangled his girlfriend, and a few days later committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. His suicide note apologized for the tragedy. Police have confirmed the marks on the woman's body are consistent with accidental asphyxiation (not murder).

BDSM is playing with fire. Like fire, BDSM has many positive uses. We can use it for fun, for healing, for enjoyment, for catharsis, for intesity, for release, for orgasm. But like fire, you have to be safe.

My Dom and I play with light asphyxiation. He will often use his hand to block some (not all) of my airflow. For me, this leads to a few tantalizing seconds of shock, fear, and adrenaline rush. The subsequnt gasp of air feels oh-so-sweet! He loves to see my eyes bulge in fear as I struggle to catch a full breath. We never use anything but his hand (no ropes, no chains, no cloth) to strangle me so he can remove it immediately, and we only do it lightly (a second or two, not 10 or 20 or 60). It is enough to be light and kinky, but not enough to put me in danger of unconsciousness or death.

Obviously, since I engage in a little fun asphyxiation play from time to time, I'm not here to stand on a soapbox and tell you how to live your BDSM lifestyle. Your kink is your own, and if it weren't considered "weird" or "dangerous" by the vanilla world it wouldn't be called kink. I will, however, point to this Philadelphia story and remind you: Safety first!

Play hard, play fun... but play safely.

Please keep these two unfortunate BDSMers, their families, and their community in your thoughts and prayers.

Breath Control

I begin this blog with a warning, I'm writing about a breath control fetish as a way to study it. I'm not advising you go try it. Breath control (choking, sexual asphyxiation, etc.) is considered "edge play," meaning it is highly dangerous and many in the BDSM community believe you should never try it. The reason this fetish struck my interest is because it is so unsafe and yet so common. If you listen to anything like Loveline or pay attention to the news, people regularly die or force their partners into unconsciousness from this play.

This will be a short study of the breath control fetish, how it is implemented, and my perspective. I have also taken into consideration all types of play, from barehanded choking to gags.

The earliest documented history of this fetish is in the 1600s, when doctors prescribed it as a way to combat erectile dysfunction. The doctors noticed that bodies showed an erection after being hanged, and came to the natural conclusion that lack of air = sexual arousal.

Now this practice is commonly used for a control for the Dominant to use. I was reading opinions on this subject and one sub wrote it was the ultimate turn on, because her Dom had her life in his hands. This is very true! The sub also experiences a "high" from the lack of oxygen and the unusually large amounts of endorphins running through the blood stream. This method works as a turn on for both parties. The Dom's high is a of mental power rush and the sub experiences corporal pleasures.

I believe the safest way to do this is by using your hand only. There is no way for your hand to become stuck and unable to be removed. However, many people involved in "edge play" will uses all types of instruments to control breathing. Often times it could be as simple as a plastic bag or as intricate as a full latex suit with a restrictive apparatus attached. In either course of action I personally recommend you do not try this. If you decide the risks are worth the pleasure keep a working phone near, keep tools handy, and go get some training in CPR. The most important thing for the Dom to remember is to know your partner. We frequently state how communication and knowing your partner are the keys to staying safe. This case is no different! The sub may be unable to say a safeword and you should have a safe action if you are going to be unable to speak.

This is not only a couple's practice, but one that is frequently done during masturbation. The lead singer of the band INXS died performing autoerotic asphyxiation. It is normally practiced alone making it the most dangerous form of breath play. If the solo participant gets stuck or unable to open their airway, they will panic and quickly pass out. Death by strangulation is very quick! I don't believe in this case the risk ever justifies the rewards.

I believe breath play is a very sexy thing, but it is dangerous at the same time. I don't recommend you to try it. On the other hand, I enjoy breath play to an extent. I enjoy the rush of power and control I feel. I never, ever restrict the breathing of my sub to the point of unconsciousness. This is why I think it's important to know your partner. You might think my beliefs hippocritical, but ask a smoker if they recommend you start smoking.

Always, always stay safe, know your partner, and be a good Dom, take care of your sub.