Below are some of the frequently asked questions I receive through my blog, Formspring, and FetLife. If you do not find the answer to your questions below, please submit your question to me through Formspring and I will post the answer to this blog.
Q: Can Christians be kinky?
A: Yes! Two Christian spouses can incorporate many elements of BDSM into their lives and still stay within Biblical guidelines for their marriage and sexuality.
Q: Is BDSM a sin?
A: While some aspects of BDSM are forbidden by the Bible, and there are sins, there are many elements of BDSM that are not sins. For instance, the Bible says nothing against a married couple engaging in part-time or full-time D/s, Master/slave relationships, age play, puppy or animal play, oral sex, bondage, spanking, or other BDSM activities. On the other hand, the Bible is very clear that some sexual activities are a sin, including fantasizing about other people (so no porn and erotica), causing others to lust after you (no exhibitionism or posting your erotica/dirty photos to the web), adultery (no polyamory, no threesomes, no swinging), and sexual immorality (no sexual activity outside of marriage).
Q: If BDSM isn't a sin, why do I feel guilty?
A: This one is difficult for me to answer, but I'd say it's one of two reasons: either the Holy Spirit is convicting you that you should not engage in BDSM or that you are somehow sinning, or you are feeling needlessly guilty because your church/pastor/parent/friend/society has made you feel that BDSM is dirty and wrong. BDSM is not for all Christians, and if you feel you are sinning after prayer and Bible study, you should consider a healthy vanilla sexuality.
Q: Do all churches believe that BDSM is okay?
A: No. Many mainstream Protestant churches believe that anything done in private between two married, consenting adults is fine. On the other hand, some denominations have strict guidelines that sex should only be loving and open to conception, such as the Roman Catholic Church. Other Christian groups believe BDSM is a sin because it is a lifestyle often associated with gay, leather, and polyamorous cultures (Porn Free, Salvation Army, etc.).
Q: Should I tell my pastor, friends, or family that I'm kinky?
A: I've heard horror stories of pastors, coworkers, and families who don't understand BDSM and shun the person once they "come out." I've heard of people being outed to their bosses and fired, their spouses using it against them in court to get custody of children, and mothers who stop talking to daughters who are "living in sin." First, why is it anyone else's business what you do in your own bedroom? Second, think about the people you are considering telling. How will they react? Will they support you? Can they keep a secret, or will they out you to others? Be very careful before you decide to tell others your lifestyle.
Q: Where can I find out more about Christian BDSM?
A: My blog has a Christian BDSM resouce page. There are also some good sites such as Christians and BDSM, as well as FetLife support groups that can be found here. Beware of such psuedo-Christian, anti-Biblical sites as Sex in Christ, for although they advocate "Christian BDSM", they do not follow the Bible.
Q: What is polyamory and is it right for me?
A: Polyamory is often called "poly" in the kink community, and it is a very popular form of BDSM where people have multiple romantic and sexual partners. Some poly families even live in the same house, for example a Master might have three female slaves and be sexually active with all of them. Although some BDSMers make it sound as though you have to be poly to be a "real" kinkster, poly relationships are clearly against the Bible and they are a sin. Even if your spouse consents and you both want to, there is no excuse for a Christian to maintain a poly relationship. However, please remember that non-Christian kinksters will often choose poly lifestyles; we can respect their choices without following them ourselves.
Q: What about anal sex and oral sex? Are they wrong for Christians?
A: Within marriage, most churches believe that oral sex and fingering are acceptable expressions of sexual love for married couples. Some churches, such as Catholic churches, are against anal or oral sex because these two acts are not open to life (pregnancy). Others are against anal sex because it is "sodomy" or "animalistic" or "dirty." Talk to your pastor or look up your particular denomination's doctrine on these issues.
Q: I'm a single kinky Christian. Can I participate in BDSM before I'm married?
A: Yes... and no. :) You shouldn't have any kind of sex before marriage (this includes fingers, oral, and anal) or lust after anyone you're not married to. On the other hand, being single is a great time to learn all you can about BDSM and kink, decide what you want in your relationship, and search for a partner who seeks the same things.
Q: What things does the Bible clearly forbid for Christians?
A: Fornication, sexual immorality, premarital sex, lust for anyone other than your spouse, adultery, remarriage, selfish sex, sex with animals, sex with minors, orgies, threesomes, and pornography are either directly mentioned in the Bible or simply common sense. For instance, if you can't lust after other people, that means you can't masturbate or watch porn, either, because they involve lusting.
Q: Isn't the Bible just outdated and full of human errors? Can't I just ignore it and have fun?
A: No, although this is what some liberal Christians and most non-Christians would have us believe. Although it's true that the Bible has been translated, it is often done by a panel of linguistic experts from a variety of theological backgrounds, taking years of work, and being careful to remain true to the original intent of the authors' culture and meaning. The Bible was written by men, but these men were chosen by God to write obediently what He said. Often, the messages were unpopular at the time, but the writers of the Bible remained true to God's divine inspiration and did not sugarcoat the message. We can trust what these men say. And while the New Testament was written 30-100 years after Jesus' death, people who knew Jesus were still alive at the time the books were written and would have corrected errors, and the writers faithfully copied what the best oral storytellers of the time had passed down. People who claim to ignore the Bible's commands and still "love God" want to believe we can please God while still ignoring His commands, but the Bible is clear that isn't true. For more information on why you can trust the Bible, read The Case for Christ.
Q: How do I meet a boy/girl who is Christian and kinky?
A: I always recommend dating a Christian first, and a kinkster second, since it is far more important to find a spiritually compatible mate than one who is into BDSM. Don't risk dating a kinkster who does not share your faith in Christ, for the Bible is clear we should not be unequally yoked. Find a Christian on a Christian dating site or on a Fetlife Christian group, then introduce kink and sexuality into your relationship later.
Q: My spouse/significant other and I are very happy, but I haven't told them that I am kinky. How can I introduce them to BDSM without freaking them out?
A: This depends on the spouse! Try incorporating small, relatively "vanilla" aspects, such as saying, "I love it when you pin me to the bed," or "I want you to call me dirty names." Try bondage, light spanking, or perhaps some biting or hair pulling to introduce your partner to BDSM, and see how he or she responds. You can also read my post, Help! My Partner is Into BDSM!
