Safewords in CNC Relationships

Can a CNC ("consensual non-consent") relationship have a safeword?

My answer is yes.

I know CNC relationships don't have to have safewords. I know some people who feel that a slave or sub having a safeword means the Dom does not have total control. Hence the quote, "A slave with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees." I know some Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Dommes live by this and don't allow their slaves to have safewords. I also know slaves and subs who do not want a safeword and that is okay too. I'm not saying you have to have one. I'm just saying that I do.

My Dom wants me to have a safeword because he wants to make sure he never pushes me past the point of "hurting" me to "permanently damaging" me. He can't read my mind, and I think he'll admit he's not a super perceptive person with these kinds of things.

I want to have a safeword because, well, it keeps me safe. It makes me evaluate what is happening to me: am I upset or am I being harmed? is it in my best interest to stop this activity?

We have both agreed that my safeword is to be used in emergencies only, when I need it, and not just when I don't feel like doing something. It is a way for me to tell my Dom that I am freaking out and need to stop for my emotional health and safety, not a way for me to express my dislike of an activity we're doing (that's what fighting, squirming, crying, and begging are for :-D)

There have been times I have hated something he was doing to me (usually something that triggers me, like getting in my personal space too much) and was panicking, but as long as I could take it, I didn't safeword. (No, it's not about proving anything; it's about only using my safeword when I honestly need to.)

LoriAdorable and Rogue Bambi are both bloggers who have mentioned that they sometimes feel uncomfortable with CNC relationships because the sub doesn't have a safeword. They rightly point out that a sub could end up in an abusive relationship that way. I'm just saying that the sub can have a safeword. Those relationships do exist. Mine is an example.

To Safeword or Not To Safeword?

In the BDSM lifestyle, most beginner-level how-tos tell you that you should always play with a safeword. This is for everyone's safety (yes, I've heard stories of tops safewording out of scenes, too!) to make sure that no one gets injured or too freaked out or have lasting psychological harm done to them. It's a way of saying, "Okay, this is too much, and I need to stop."

But once you get more into the BDSM lifestyle, you discover there are several Doms and subs who do not use safewords. Ever. Subs and slaves claim they trust their Master with their lives and would never want to usurp his (or her) authority that way. Doms and Masters say they can't really be 100% in control if the sub can stop them with just one word. I don't know who first said it or started it, but floating around the internet is this saying to support these people's choices:

A sub with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees.

Catchy, no?

For these people, that works. If you know someone well enough and trust them enough, maybe the no-safeword type of relationship works for you.

But for my Dom and me, we never play without a safeword. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother when I was younger until I went to college. She's a wonderful woman, but she has some mental instabilities and she went through a rough time in her life where she tried to take her children and family down with her. She's sorry now, and I forgive her, but it still screw with my head and dictates how I relate (often dysfunctionally) in my relationship with my husband. (Sex=bad, love=control, emotional abuse=I feel loved, that kind of crazy crap.)

So we always, always play with safewords. I can't safeword out of punishments, or I'd never get punished and my Dom would have no real authority. But punishments, like the occasional spanking, are not intended to be emotionally or physically traumatizing, so I've never really needed to safeword out of them. However, some of our scenes can get crazy. Sometimes my Dom loses his temper (or, more likely, he loses control and I feel like he's lost his temper) or he starts slapping me too hard and I lose it. I start sobbing uncontrollably because slapping was what my mother did when she was mad beyond belief and screaming at me. Slapping, to me, represents a lack of control over my body. It makes me feel helpless and powerless, not in a sexy way, but in a terrifying way. It makes me think the person doing it hates me and is furious with me. In no way is it a good, sexy, or cleansing feeling.

So we always play with safewords. And sometimes, my Dom will even push me. It's a strange fact that often the children of abusive parents can and will take a ridiculous amount of emotional and physical abuse without "giving in." I simply disconnect. I go into myself and let the other person rail against my body, but I won't give them the satisfaction of touching me. In these moods, I can be a bit self-destructive. I play the Ice Queen and won't make eye contact or talk. My Dom can pick me up and move me, but I stay limp and unresponsive. It's like I'm in a coma, but awake. He can slap me and I won't tell him to stop. He can squeeze my neck in an attempt to make me safeword, but I'll calmly sit there and let myself go unconscious first before I'll "give in" by safewording.

This is because in my childhood, there was no safeword. I couldn't stop the abuse or control what was happening to me. So I learned to rise above it, and defeat the abuser by simply not being present. Obviously, this is dangerous in a BDSM scene. I'm playing with my husband who loves me, not my abusive mother. I'm playing with someone who never wants to harm me or frighten me past the point that I like it. Yet sometimes I turn into a machine and treat him like the enemy.

So he is practicing with me to get me to safeword. Sometimes he pushes me, just to get me in the habit of "giving in" and using my safeword. Sometimes he wants to make sure I'm not too into subspace or "abused sub" mentality to talk, which actually happens from time to time. If I can't talk, I can't safeword, and I'm no longer capable of telling him if I'm safe. Then he stops play until we can resume safely. Once, he even tried to force me into doing something I'd already told him was a "hard limit" (that means NO!). I stalled and squirmed but finally safeworded. Immediately he hugged me and murmured, "Good job, little girl. I'd have been PISSED if you had let me do that."

So whatever you read on the net, it doesn't make you a worse sub or a less domly Dom if you play with safewords. It means you respect your partner and you understand that the Unknown can factor into your scenes and sometimes you'll need to slow down or stop. Especially if one of you suffered abuse or trauma as a child or adult, I'd recommend always playing with a safeword. It's there to keep you safe.

A Safeworded Scene is Sometimes the Best

Safewords are so common in BDSM, you'll hear about them all the time. These can be used by the sub or the Dom at any time to stop or pause a scene when something goes wrong or when one of them can't take any more.

A lot of people are willing to safeword if they need to, but then they think the scene is "ruined." This isn't true, since I know people who will safeword, pause the scene, and then just go right back into it once they have fixed whatever was the problem. But sometimes a safeword means a scene needs to stop RIGHT THEN.

Well, I had to do an emergency safeword the other night, and I've been thinking about this. I actually believe our scene was somehow better than other times when I haven't safeworded.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't having fun at the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have had to call our safeword (or safe phrase, in our case). I needed him to stop, and I needed him to stop right then. But terrible as it was at the time, I realized later that I'd gotten what I'd needed out of the scene. I'd been terrified, angry, frightened, and broken. My Dom didn't know that yet, and I had taken all I could take, so I called it quits and he immediately started taking care of me---in fact, he felt awful. But I tried to explain to him later (when I could talk!) that I'd rather have a scene be so overwhelming and complete that I have to immediately safeword out of it, than have a scene where my limits aren't stretched and everything goes smoothly and safely but at the end, I feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

Let me describe what happened.

Making me cry is a very hard thing to do. First, I'm a woman, and second, I'm a redhead. Both these contribute to me having a high pain tolerance. But mostly, as an individual I just have an incredibly high pain tolerance and immense self control. I was emotionally abused as a teenager, and that has kept me from being able to express my emotions healthily as an adult. I can keep myself from crying, to the point where I can't cry even when I want to.

So sometimes in a scene, my goal is for him to break me to the point where I can cry. For some reason I can't get myself there alone. I can't cry. When I try, the tears don't come. Even when he hits me or yells at me, I'll often get close to tears, but no tears will come. It's very frustrating, because BDSM is all about me wanting to get that release that I can't otherwise have. It's about wanting him to have that control and closeness to me that I otherwise don't know how to give him.

We discussed things that actually scare me, and one of them is being slapped repeatedly in the face. Don't get me wrong, I love being slapped a few times; it even makes me come harder. But the only person who has beaten me repeatedly in the face is my mother, so it's natural that those repeated slaps across the face, with no chance to defend myself or have a break to pull myself together again, take me right back to that victimization of my childhood. Sure, it's a terrible feeling, but in the end it is the only way to break me down.

Well, my Dom went at it a lot harder than he had before. I am used to a few slaps, then a break, but he just kept hitting me and hitting me. After a while, I got absolutely pissed. I am not used to feeling such intense anger, and I would have beaten the crap out of him, except he had me pinned down! I wasn't playing anymore, I was FURIOUS. Then he started slapping me again. It wasn't fun, sexy slapping, either; this was a harsh beating on both sides of my face. I started to whimper and fight him in earnest. He was beating the crap out of me, I was screaming for him to stop, I was starting to cry, and the whole time he just kept coming and slapping and hitting me without a pause or a break. He kept screaming, "Break, damn you! Break!" I started to cry and fight him in earnest, but he was too big for me. The pain in my face was becoming unbearable. I tried to safeword, but I couldn't breathe. I started screaming for him to stop. Finally, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, I choked out, "I c----!" and started wailing.

That was all I got out, but it was close enough to our safeword ("I can't") that all hitting stopped immediately. He gathered me into his arms, held me, and I laid there and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

He told me later that he felt terrible, that he had been trying to watch to see when I started to cry, but that he hadn't felt or seen it and thought he should keep going. He was worried I was angry with him, but why would I be? He had done everything exactly as we'd discussed: he'd made me hit my limits, and once I safeworded he had stopped immediately. It wasn't his fault if the scene had gotten too intense, too fast.

I cried myself out for a good long while while he held me. My face ached, and once I was all cried out he went to get me some water and some ice for my face. My cheeks were a lovely rosy color, but the right side of my face was swelled up and I was seriously afraid I would have a black eye (I didn't). My face was aching and so my Dom tucked me into bed and held the ice to my face. I fell into a deep sleep that lasted for 12 hours, completely released and cried out.

Later, we discussed the whole thing. He said he'd felt top drop for the first time, seeing me cry like that after what he'd done to me. He felt terrible that I'd had to use my safeword. I tried to explain to him that is what safewords are for! Yes, the scene got too much for me and we had to stop, but in the end that meant I was 100% worn out and had gotten to cry out all my negative emotions. I felt much more calm and at peace after I'd calmed down than I would have if we'd done a lighter scene that didn't cause me any emotional reaction at all.

For me, the scene was both bad and good. Like so many BDSM scenes are for me as a sub, the scene itself was bad---I was being hurt, I was in physical and emotional pain, and I left it bruised and drained. But the thing I love about BDSM is that it lets me use those negative emotions and turn them in to a positive experience! As soon as I'd cried myself out and my Dom had turned back into the nice, loving man I know and not the maniacal monster who was hitting me, I felt so much better and at peace. I'd finally managed to cry, and it was a total catharsis. I'd found an outlet for my negative emotions, and I felt closer to my Dom, sleepy, safe, and exhausted. I slept hard and well. The next day, my face looked fine and was only slightly sore, and I felt more in love and happy than I'd felt in days. All my worries and anxieties had been melted away!

So yes, at the time it was scary. But the scene achieved its goal. And it has taught me: a safeworded scene is sometimes the best!

How to Tell When Your Sub Has Had Too Much

When you are the Dom, top, Mistress, Mommy, or Trainer in a relationship, you are in charge of your sub's safety and wellbeing. It is your happy job to push them to and past their limits, but just far enough that at the end, they collapse in relief and thank you later. When my Dom does this, we both note how he'll have a happy sub for days! I walk around dreamily, wanting to be close to him, complimenting his hard work in our scene, and generally feeling at peace with my world.

It's one of the only times I feel that peace.

But how do you tell when your sub is pushing his limits in a good way and when he is reaching his limits in a bad way?

Of course, the safeword is essential. But you can't always rely on it. Sometimes as a sub, I get too emotional, too wrapped up in my own head, too incoherent, too embarrassed, or simply too stubborn to admit when I'm reaching the end of my rope. I don't want to admit I might have human weaknesses, I don't want to make him feel bad for whatever he's doing, and so I don't safeword.

Luckily, there are other ways to tell when your sub is reaching his limits.

If you think your sub might be unwilling to safeword for whatever reason, a good idea is to ask him verbally. Make sure you get a verbal response in return.

Here's why. Sometimes my Dom will notice I'm seeming to get scared and withdrawn in a bad way. Even though I haven't safeworded, he'll back off and ask me sincerely, "Are you all right?" or "Is anything wrong?" And of course, although I know it's ridiculous, I'm too embarrassed and prideful to admit anything is wrong, so I just nod my head that everything is fine. This is why you must get a verbal response! And there's another reason. A sub in subspace is feeling floaty and emotional, and so even verbose, non-stop talkers like me will get incoherent and dreamy. Questions that would normally get a full paragraph answer from me, during scenes will just illicit a dreamy "Mmmm-hmmm." So if you think your sub might be reaching a bad place, mentally or physically, you must make him come out of subspace enough to answer you with words. "Yes, I am fine," or "Please keep going" are short and simple, but effective. Insist on a worded answer to your inquiries about his emotional and physical health during your scene.

Another way to tell is by the sounds and body language of your sub. Sure, even in a scene that's going great, your sub might be screaming "Nooo!" and pushing you away, or looking at you in wide-eyed fright, but a happy sub will still be moaning, biting his lip, and looking all sorts of turned on. If you back away, the sub will reach out for you and look disappointed, or maybe watch you, hoping for more. A sub who is getting genuinely scared or hurt will tense up and "freeze" and start to sound panicked as they scream or beg. In this case, when you back up you will get no response or indication they want you to keep going. It's time to pause and check to see what went wrong!

A sub who's had too much physically, even while enjoying the scene immensely, will show some physical symptoms. My Dom often knows before I do when I am reaching my physical limits, even when I am truly enjoying a scene. He says my body language will change, and my body will start to look tired. One key he looks for is when muscles start quivering. As an Army sargeant, he says he can tell when his soldiers are starting to reach the end of their physical endurance because they will slow, and their arms or legs will shake--signs the body is straining to keep up. In a scene last week, he tied me to the door and hit me repeatedly with a slapper, and eventually he said he saw my legs starting to quiver. Although I was not even aware of it, he could tell my body was reaching its limits and it was time to move on to an activity that was a little less stressful on my body.

Of course, if you have questions about your sub's endurance, ask! You'll find that you'll learn more as you play together, and begin to recognize the signs. You'll also learn from your mistakes, and that just helps you grow into a better and more experienced Dom. Enjoy the learning experience!

Is a Submissive Just a Doormat?

A lot of people hear the words "BDSM" and immediately think it's a fancy name for an abusive relationship. They figure the man must just want an excuse to have everything he wants, while the woman probably spends her time cringing in fear and serving him. In other words, the sub is the Dom's doormat.

How is a sub different from a doormat?

I believe the two are very different. A submissive differs from an abused person or a doormat in many ways. These include choice, control, work, limits, and safety.

1. Choice. For one, a submissive is there by choice; an abused woman (or man) is not. BDSM may look like emotional or physical abuse, but the difference is that BDSM is consenual and abuse is never consensual. The sub and Dom decide together how much, when, and what kinds of emotional and physical pain they would like to experiment with; an abused person has no such control.
2. Control. A sub has control over her own mind, body, and soul. If she voluntarily chooses to give that control to the Dom, that is in her control, too. A sub can use safewords, soft limits, and hard limits to make sure BDSM never goes beyond what she is comfortable with. A good Dom respects and upholds this. A doormat has no control, because others take it from her; a sub has much control and she chooses to share it.
3. Work. Being a doormat does not take any work, but a BDSM power dynamic does! The Dom has to work hard to protect the sub, to give the sub what she needs while getting what he needs, and to keep the play safe, sane, and consensual. The sub has to work at communicating her wants and needs to the Dom, choosing to be obedient even when it's hard, and having her limits uncomfortably pushed so she can grow. Both roles take lots of inner strength!
4. Limits. A doormat is someone who just takes whatever other people dish out; a sub has limits. A sub has a safeword (or safe action, if she is gagged) that means the Dom will stop immediately if she uses it. A sub also has soft limits (things she does not really want to try but is open to) and hard limits (things she absolutely will not try) that the Dom is morally bound to respect. Safe words and limits ensure a sub has control over how much she can take.
5. Safety. A doormat is basically a person who accepts physical and emotional abuse, but a good sub will never give her control to anyone but a Dom she loves and trusts absolutely. This makes sure she is safe--spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally--during play. Both the Dom and the sub are worried about the sub's safety in BDSM, whereas people abusing a doormat are not.

More on Safe Words

Safewords (and safe actions, if you're gagged) are so important I believe an occasional blog update is in order.

There is a minority in the BDSM community that believes safewords give a sub too much control, and should not be used. I believe this is highly dangerous; it relies too much on a Dom's interpretation of the sub. Safety in BDSM takes both people: the Dom watching vigilantly, and the sub using a safe word.

Most people use a simple safeword that wouldn't come up in scene. These are words like aardvark, red, Xerox, Shamu, or other quirky words that simply won't come up! This way your Dom clearly knows you need to stop.

But the BDSM community has developed new modes of safety that are more complex and sophisticated than just one word. This is what I will discuss today.

One example of a more complex safeword system is the stoplight. Green means you are perfectly fine, yellow means slow down a bit, and red means stop now.

I also like a color-coded set of safewords. As a sub, I can attest that there are times in scene my needs are more than just "slow down" or "stop." In this case, you can use a color system, building off the stoplight codes. Blue, for instance, might mean "I need care, nurturing, and comfort" right now. Your lover does not need to stop or slow down, but you are feeling needy and want the general tone of the scene to change. Orange can mean, "Speed up! Go faster and harder. Hurt me!" and black can mean, "Start talking dirty to me and treating me like crap, please, Sir or Ma'am." Sometimes I love for my Dom to call me nasty, terrible names, and sometimes in the same situation I need him to just cuddle me and love me! There is no way he can know my needs in these situations unless I clearly communicate it to him. Sometimes my needs even change mid-scene! For instance, during phone sex once, I needed dirty talk and namecalling to get me turned on. Once I was turned on, however, my needs suddenly changed and I felt vulnerable, needy, and sad. In this case, rather than safewording and stopping the scene, I could have just used blue and my needs would have been met.

Another idea for those who feel slightly foolish shouting "Aardvark!" or "Black, please," is to use your Dom's name. I know I often feel too foolish to say my safeword, or I want to prove how tough I am, and I won't use my safeword. But it is easier to use his name. A first name can mean "slow down, back off a bit" and a full name means "Stop now!" Especially if, during sex, you usually call your Dom baby, Mistress, Mommy, Daddy, or Master, using his or her real name will be an automatic signal that something needs to change a bit so your needs are properly met.

Some subs disagree with me, but I also feel that just pausing the scene for a bit is fine. Others think that this is too fake, or it interrupts the "flow" of play, but I haven't found that. A past partner and I practiced this. He would be deep in the role of mean, terrible rapist or sadist, and I would be thrashing about, whimpering, and pleading with him to stop. Then suddenly, he would stop, look down at me, and ask quietly, "Really?" or "Are you okay?" I would pause in my role of tormented victim, make eye contact, and say, "No, not really!" or "I'm good!" and then we would go right back to beating or raping or fucking or whatever that scene called for. No harm done!

And finally, Doms and Dommes need to be watchful. Many subs won't or can't use safewords in really wild scenes, so you need to watch your sub. The longer you play with the same person, the easier this will get. For instance, I start to make myself small, curl up, and get plaintive and whiny when my needs aren't being met. My Dom is slowly starting to realize this means he needs to switch from "Master" to "Daddy" personae and comfort me. As you play with your partner more and more, this will get easier to read, and scenes will be physically and emotionally safer for both of you.

Breath Control

I begin this blog with a warning, I'm writing about a breath control fetish as a way to study it. I'm not advising you go try it. Breath control (choking, sexual asphyxiation, etc.) is considered "edge play," meaning it is highly dangerous and many in the BDSM community believe you should never try it. The reason this fetish struck my interest is because it is so unsafe and yet so common. If you listen to anything like Loveline or pay attention to the news, people regularly die or force their partners into unconsciousness from this play.

This will be a short study of the breath control fetish, how it is implemented, and my perspective. I have also taken into consideration all types of play, from barehanded choking to gags.

The earliest documented history of this fetish is in the 1600s, when doctors prescribed it as a way to combat erectile dysfunction. The doctors noticed that bodies showed an erection after being hanged, and came to the natural conclusion that lack of air = sexual arousal.

Now this practice is commonly used for a control for the Dominant to use. I was reading opinions on this subject and one sub wrote it was the ultimate turn on, because her Dom had her life in his hands. This is very true! The sub also experiences a "high" from the lack of oxygen and the unusually large amounts of endorphins running through the blood stream. This method works as a turn on for both parties. The Dom's high is a of mental power rush and the sub experiences corporal pleasures.

I believe the safest way to do this is by using your hand only. There is no way for your hand to become stuck and unable to be removed. However, many people involved in "edge play" will uses all types of instruments to control breathing. Often times it could be as simple as a plastic bag or as intricate as a full latex suit with a restrictive apparatus attached. In either course of action I personally recommend you do not try this. If you decide the risks are worth the pleasure keep a working phone near, keep tools handy, and go get some training in CPR. The most important thing for the Dom to remember is to know your partner. We frequently state how communication and knowing your partner are the keys to staying safe. This case is no different! The sub may be unable to say a safeword and you should have a safe action if you are going to be unable to speak.

This is not only a couple's practice, but one that is frequently done during masturbation. The lead singer of the band INXS died performing autoerotic asphyxiation. It is normally practiced alone making it the most dangerous form of breath play. If the solo participant gets stuck or unable to open their airway, they will panic and quickly pass out. Death by strangulation is very quick! I don't believe in this case the risk ever justifies the rewards.

I believe breath play is a very sexy thing, but it is dangerous at the same time. I don't recommend you to try it. On the other hand, I enjoy breath play to an extent. I enjoy the rush of power and control I feel. I never, ever restrict the breathing of my sub to the point of unconsciousness. This is why I think it's important to know your partner. You might think my beliefs hippocritical, but ask a smoker if they recommend you start smoking.

Always, always stay safe, know your partner, and be a good Dom, take care of your sub.

Advanced Safety for BDSM

Sometimes, safewords don't work. This can be because someone is too into the scene to even be aware they're being hurt and need to stop (endorphins are that powerful!), are too scared to safeword, or don't feel comfortable stopping you if they think you want it.

So how do you make sure that BDSM stays safe, sane, and consenual if your partner gets into a place where he can't or won't safeword?

This is where advanced safety comes into play.

Solution One: Stoplight codes. Rather than just have one safeword that means, "STOP NOW!", sometimes a little warning for the Dom to slow things down or try a different tact can save a scene. Don't wait til it gets so bad you can't take it. Periodically check in with each other to see how the scene is going. "Green" means "Great, I'm loving it, keep going!," while "yellow" means "Proceed with caution, I'm not sure about this, you're hurting me, we need to slow down or back up," and "red" obviously means "Too much, stop now!"

Solution Two: nonverbal signals. Agree upon a nonverbal way to check in with each other. One great idea as a top is to grab your partner's hand (or whatever) and give a firm squeeze. If everything is a-okay, your partner squeezes back. No squeeze, or a squeeze delivered after some hesitation, lets you know you need to stop, back up, or slow down.

Solution Three: Know, know, know your sub. A sub who is so high on endorphins she can't feel pain may beg you to keep going long after it is safe for her! Or, a sub who has gotten so into role that he now believes it is real will be too frightened to safeword, even if you ask if he's okay. The top must be hypervigilant during scenes! If your sub's skin starts to look red or chapped, stop, even if they complain. If your sub seems tuned out, frightened, tense, or upset, stop the scene. Make sure the coherent adult, not an endorphin-drunk, horny bottom or a terrified, panicking sub is the one answering you when you ask if she's okay. You can't trust what a sub in subspace says, so use your own judgement and make sure you don't do anything your sub will hate you for later.

Above all: when in doubt, stop! You can always try again another day.

Training Your Sub (A Submissive's Perspective)

*Note: Labels for this post are highlighted in purple.

How, you ask, could a sub ever know how to train another sub? Well, for one thing, most subs are switches, which means they only sub part of the time. For another, only we subs know exactly what makes our brains tick, what makes us want to kill you, and what makes us want to kiss your feet. And third, I'm only a sub in the bedroom: I spend my adult life as a teacher, mentor, and tutor, so I have lots of leadership training. Training your sub is no different than being a parent or teacher: you have to be consistent, you have to be fair, and your sub needs to know you have his best interests in mind.

If you are just too "toppy" to ever learn from a sub, you can find my Dom's post on the same topic here.

In no particular order, here are my suggestions. Follow them, and you and your sub will develop a lifelong, happy partnership of amazing scenes, growing intimacy, and pleasure, pain, torture, whips, and orgasm.

Know What You Want

Confidence is key! Subs need to feel you know what you are doing and we can trust you completely. Even if you are unsure, fake it. Nothing is less sexy than a Dom who stops in the middle of berating you to anxiously ask, "Is this okay?" Have a definite goal in mind for your scene and know how you plan to carry it out. Have a backup plan, too, just in case you happen to be one of my many human readers and can't guarantee perfection.

Know exactly what you want your sub to learn: a specific "I want him to serve my tea at this temperature, in this mug, with this much cream and sugar" is much easier for you to communicate and your sub to grasp than "I want my tea done right." If you tell your sub, "Lie down!" this leaves us a lot of room for confusion. However, "Lie down on the floor, with your hands folded over your head and your legs spread apart" is a much easier command for us to follow, since we know what you want.

Be Firm

This relates back to confidence. So many Doms and Dommes are afraid to be too firm or they might hurt our feelings. Trust me, if we didn't crave you having this sort of power over us, we wouldn't do BDSM! Depending on the scene, you may want to change it up from a stern tone, to a soft murmur, to a shouted command, to an angry directive, but no matter how you choose to boss us around, be firm! "Um.... lie on the floor....?" won't get even the most submissive of subs turned on, and for most of us, who want you to earn our submission and will fight you tooth and nail for it, showing weakness just won't cut it. We need you to be the mean, scary jerks of our nightmares, wrenching control from us and rewarding us with pleasure beyond our dreams. Weakness has no place in BDSM!

Give Immediate Feedback

This is the most basic rule of parenting, teaching, or training. Feedback needs to be immediate. Did your sub do something right? Praise her for it. If you are playing the role of the sweet, caring Mommy or Daddy, this might be easy, but even the meanest rapist/torturer can growl out, "Yeah, that's a good little slut, you f**ing liked that, didn't you?" If positive feedback will ruin your scene, wait til aftercare time.

Immediate feedback is especially crucial when we do something wrong. This may shock you, but normally if we do something wrong, we did it on purpose to test you. Yes, your perfect little angel is just pushing your limits, seeing what she can get away with, and how much you really want to control her. So hesitation kills your scene. You must respond immediately. Don't threaten, just do. Slap harder than she likes, or spank hard with a paddle he doesn't actually enjoy. Never threaten, and never go easier on your sub than you say you will. That just tells us you're too nice/weak and we can walk all over you, then wriggle out of punishment next time. Needless to say, that is not the kind of sub you want.

Bottom

No matter how "toppy" you are, you're not too good to bottom. In fact, the authors of The New Topping Book suggest that every top should play bottom. This is how you learn to top. In this position, you learn what you like, what your sub feels like during scene, and how to improve your own topping and aftercare skills. Feel you're too good to bottom? Get a reality check and a serious ego de-booster. You're not ready to top til you're humble enough to learn by doing. This also gives your honey a great way to show you what she secretly wishes you'd do to her, without hurting your feelings or making things awkward with a "you're a terrible lover" conversation. Both parties learn more by experiencing the challenges and thrills of a new position.

Push the Limits

BDSM is all about pushing limits. If there's ever anything I don't like, it's men who don't push my limits. It's okay to push your partner's limits, even when they are scared, angry, or frightened: that's what safewords are for! If we really need to stop, we can safeword, or you can ask us, "Are you okay?" and we can nod or shake our heads. But usually, I play BDSM so I can be pushed outside of my comfort zone, kicking and screaming, and conquer those parts of me that I most fear.

Know Your Sub

Okay, so sometimes subs get too scared, distracted, or incoherent to safeword. So, know your sub. Talk talk talk about scenes outside the bedroom! EVERY scene you try should be completely discussed before and after. Check in during aftercare, again a few hours or days later, and learn about your sub's reactions to what you did. This way, when he is in subspace, you can better care for him. Or, if she becomes too frightened to safeword, you can read her body signals and know it is time to stop and comfort her. The better you read your sub's nonverbal signals, body language, and facial expressions, the safer scenes will be for both of you.

Admit Your Mistakes

Nothing is so unattractive as a leader who won't admit he screwed up. Assuming you are human, expect to make mistakes. Try to laugh them off, cry together, or pick up the pieces and move on. Sometimes a scene you planned won't come out right. This why you should be especially careful to plan beforehand! But even then, mistakes can happen, and you should be able to humbly admit it to your partner and apologize.

Learn, Learn, Learn

Your responsibility as a top is great: you and only you are responsible for both of your safety during scene! In essence, it's like having a small child dependent upon you. To better handle this responsibility, never stop learning. The best way to learn is to practice bottoming yourself. Every few weeks or months, switch with your partner. The next best way is to communicate: after every scene, ask your lover what he enjoyed and what he didn't, and don't get defensive or egoistic about the things he didn't. Your sub's feedback is your best learning tool. Also, read sex books, learn about BDSM, and join online communities. Books and chat groups on BDSM are going to keep your topping skills honed and keep your sub from getting bored.

Plan, Plan, Plan

BDSM is not something that should be done "on the fly." You'll both have more fun if you plan. Topping is hard work! You need to have a mental list of what you want to achieve. Have a general idea of activities you can try, and always plan for way more than you'll actually have time for; this way, if something you planned goes wrong, you can move on smoothly to the next one. No one wants you to be left standing there, whip in hand, looking foolish. If toys are involved, have them out, cleaned, and ready. Same with lighting, whips, restraints, costumes, lubricants, and aftercare materials (water, snack, warm towel or blanket). You don't want to lose momentum of a great scene to go grab a condom or hurriedly have to search for, find, and clean a particular toy. Your sub will appreciate you much more if you come prepared.

Have a Definite Beginning, Middle, and End

For those of us who aren't in a 24/7 relationship, knowing when to sub and not can be confusing. It is good to have some sort of signal so both of you know when a scene begins. You can have a specific code word, play certain music, or change the lighting and music to start the mood. You can touch or look at your sub a particular way that he will understand means you're starting the scene now. Or, you can have a particular ritual that lets both of you know the scene is beginning and to help you get into your roles: having the sub get out and arrange the toys, gently tying your sub down, or having your sub kneel, kiss your feet, and placing a collar around her kneck. Something concrete, like having the sub put on a specific corset or wear a collar, can be a powerful symbolic moment that lets you both know when play has started.

Having a definite end is even more important. We can't read your mind, and often have no idea when you're winding down. You need to make it obvious! I know I have been terribly surprised when my Dom stopped hitting me, plopped on the bed next to me, and said, "I love you!" while hugging me. It is too difficult to switch straight out of "scene" on your sub like that. We need time so we know you are winding down, and can begin to slowly transition out of subspace and back into real world. Never just stop suddenly and say, "Okay, we're done!"

A gradual transition is necessary. You can have a certain activity that you always do last, so when you move to it, your sub knows to begin transitioning out of subspace. Some Dommes tell their partner, "Okay, you can pick one last toy for me to use on you," or "Pick a number between 1 and 10, I'll give you that many swats with the paddle, and then we can be done." This lets your sub know the scene is winding down without shocking them with it mid-scene. Subs need lots of time to recover from scenes, so make sure you have a definite space for winding down and then a concrete ending!

Provide Great Aftercare

What does an exhausted and proud top do after a scene? Provide great aftercare. Don't start sighing 10 minutes into cuddling say, "Are you done yet? I wanted to watch the game/do the dishes/etc." Enjoy each other as long as you both need it, for hours if necessarily. Don't begrudge your sub this crucial part of lovemaking.

Want to be the best top ever? Go above and beyond the norm (cuddling, blanket, snack, and water). Some great ideas for pampering your sub are:

• put the blanket or towel in the dryer before the scene, so you can grab it after scene and it is warm and fluffy
• draw them a bubble bath or a bath scented with fresh lemons (slice them and let them float in the water)
• have a quiet, relaxing cd ready so all you have to do is push "play"
• give a massage with baby oil
• take a shower together. Gently wash and condition their hair.
• Compliment them profusely on their role in the scene

Note: many of these ideas came from the amazing The New Topping Book! If you haven't already, read it!

Affordable Restraints

I realize everyone is starting to feel the hit to their pocketbooks these days and I thought this is a good time to write a blog about affordable restraints. I know there are some many great restraints out there offered by companies and retailers. You can visit the links in the upper right-hand side to get your hands on some creative means to tie your sub down. Let's suppose you're like most people worldwide and watching what you spend. You may have to save up for little splurges like an under the bed or a door jam restraint. My purpose today is to give you simple ideas that will help you keep your sub under control.

The first place you should visit is your local hardware store! There are all sorts of good materials here to make dominating your sub so much easier. First get a shopping cart and make your way to the aisle where tape is sold. Don't be like everyone else and reach directly for the duct tape! You want something that is sticky and a little more pliable. My suggestion is that you buy several rolls of electrical tape. It's not as sticky and won't leave a residue on your sub's skin. You can also be smart about this and roll the tape on sticky side out. This will keep the tape from sticking to their skin and you can cut out your sub more quickly in case a safeword is uttered or you need to apply some quick after care. The other upside to electrical tape is that it's black and that's much more sexy than the ugly dull silver color of duct tape.

The other option available at the hardware store is rope, of course! There should be all types available to you. You may be able to buy it off of a spool or you could buy the bungee cords! The rope would be a great option if you wanted to cause a little bit of pain with the restraining, because the sub would struggle and chafe themselves. The bungee cords are a great idea when you have something sturdy to which to mount your sub. I'm thinking a headboard, fence, or the garage door railing. I encourage you to be creative. If you wanted to spread your sub's legs mount the rope on either side of the bed and watch them squirm as you fasten each leg down and apart.

The next option will bring out the handy man (woman) in you. Chains are available, too. Find the studs in your wall and bolt these chains to them. Now if you've purchased a little rope you can attach the rope to the chains and now you have a permanent pleasure center in house.

There are nicer and more delicate ways to subdue your partner. You can go to a discount store and pick up scarves for cheap. This can be used when you want to treat your sub to a sensual, seductive time. There is the option of fuzzy handcuff, but for some reason I can never take them seriously. The cuffs look like they belong to a muppet cop. Silk is nice and strong at the same time. Go to a fabric store and pick up some. Then go home and cut it into strips, this saves your from having to buy manufactured scarves you're just going to use for restraints only.

These are only a few ideas, but I hope they start you in the right direction. Doms I ugre you to remind your subs how good it feels to be owned today! Tie them down and let them know you love them and how dirty they are. Always remember to be safe!

Safewords for Doms: Because Doms Are People, Too!

A safeword, obviously, is usually used by the bottom (or sub), to say that her limits have been pushed or the scene has gotten to real, scary, emotional, traumatizing, or painful. But tops (Doms) need safewords, too!

Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"

Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)

So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).

I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.

Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)

So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.

Be safe and have fun!

Limits

Limits are a very important of BDSM. They are something you and your spouse must talk about first, before you try anything new. As you do research and discover more and more things that can be included in your sex life, you may find some of the activities surprise you, disgust you, intrigue you, turn you on, turn you off, make you sad, or anger you. This is totally normal! And this is why limits come into play.

A limit is something you don't want to try. Setting general limits allows the Dom (or Domme) for the scene a lot of creative freedom. If they come up with a great new idea in the middle of a scene when it is too late to talk about it, and it doesn't violate one of your limits (and you don't use your safeword), they can go ahead and try it!

Soft limits are things you are not comfortable with now, are unsure about, or don't think you want to try. However, there is some room for future reconsideration. I have found that, as I delve more and more into trust and BDSM with my dom, that some things I found "gross" at the beginning are actually becoming more acceptable and intriguing to me with time. I just needed time to think about them and get used to the idea!

Hard limits are things a top can never push! These limits are Set In Stone. You do NOT want to mess with someone's hard limits.

You and your spouse should take some time to research BDSM, read books, browse the internet (find informational articles, not erotica or porn!), and peruse chat rooms and blogs. Share what you learn, take time alone to think and set your own limits, and then share with your partner. Respect each other's limits.

BDSM is based on trust. You should be able to tell your partner your deepest, darkest fantasies, even if you are afraid they are "wrong" or your partner will be disgusted. Communicate openly!

And remember, never be judgmental toward your partner. If your spouse details a dark fantasy about how they want to dress you up as a pony, ride you around the room, and make you neigh and whinny during sex, and you are totally not into that, don't judge them (pony play is an actual part of BDSM, btw). Listen in a nonjudgmental, supportive way, tell them you understand and appreciate their desire, but say right now you just don't think you could do that. Never make your partner feel lesser or judged for sharing a fantasy; that will stop all future communication, and that is never a good thing!

If you're still not sure what limits are, I will give you some examples from my own experience:

1. Soft limits: whipping, being tied up for more than an hour, pony/puppy play, needle play, kidnapping scenes.


2. Hard limits: being forced to give oral sex, anything involving excrement or feces, having other people watch or participate in sex, nipple torture (ow!), porn.

Remember: Communicate, respect each other, and have fun!

Training Your Sub (A Dominant's Perspective)

I would like to begin this post by stating it is meant to act as a general guide on how effectively train your sub. I'm speaking from experience not only from sex, but also in real-life situations. Through my work experience I have been extensively trained and involved in the training of many people. My goal is to give you a foundation and from there you should customize your experiences to your liking.

Let's consider why you are thinking about training your sub in the first place. You obviously like to be in charge or in control of things, hence you are the Dom. You are likely not training the sub to get off on issuing commands alone. No, you probably relish the fact someone is not only intimate with you, but also trusts you completely. It is with this in mind we want to train our subs.

Our goal in training is to present our subs with a stimulus and have them react in the way we prefer. Pavlov's dogs heard a tone and then were given food. Eventually the dogs would react with an increased saliva production when hearing the tone, even if food wasn't provided. All training is essentially the same. I'm not meaning that your sub is just like a dog, but we want the sub to react consistently to us. When I issue a command or suggestion I want it done.

Let's use a concrete example. If I say, "Spread your legs," I want it to happen. The command is the stimulus I give the sub. Now, provided you said this in a firm manner and your sub is a natural, they will do what you want. Suppose you weren't firm enough or the sub is having a bad day and decides not to follow your command. Now, we have to reinforce our command with a consequence. If the consequence is negative/positive enough the slave will do a cost-benefit analysis quickly and decide they want to do what you tell them in the future. Pavlov would call this a conditioned response. After enough times the sub will do what you tell them without thinking.

An example from my life was getting my sub to say "please" and "thank you" when she wanted something. When she wanted me to bite her neck I asked her, "What do you say?" When the answer didn't come quickly, I slapped her (she likes this). She then said, "Please." The stimulus was my question and the negative punishment was the slap. She was and is a very fast learner. It took her a total of two times before she started saying please and thank you after every request.

Slapping is only one of four different avenues for enforcing discipline. You can give something nice to your sub. This could be a compliment or reward in concrete form. You can take something positive away from the sub. Say they don't do something fast or enthusiastically enough. Okay, take something away from them. I've mentioned how I presented a negative in the form of slapping. You can also reward by taking a negative away, such as removing a torture device. For a good article on this click here.

Now that we understand how the mind works. You have to decide what you are going to do with this information. You can train someone to do your bidding 24/7 and live this lifestyle all the time (this is technically a Master/slave relationship). You could also train your sub to do things a certain way like, how you want them to posture during sex. You also have to decide how this dynamic will survive if you are in a switch relationship where you decide you want to share the power.

The goal is about learning to trust someone completely enough to let go and give them control. I've heard that this is a liberating feeling for those in the sub role. Even though there is pain (emotional or physical) involved, it is a good feeling--like being high. I know that there is a rush of excitement when my sub does what I tell her or something she knows I like. It is important to remember the more you train, the more it becomes second nature.

The three most important parts of training are getting to know your sub, communication, and repetition. When you get to know your sub well you will know which type of reinforcement you should use, whether it be negative or positive. You will know what their limitations are and how far they will go to please you. It is also important to communicate effectively at all times. You need a safeword in case they decide they can't handle that type of training or punishment. Your sub needs to know what is expected of them and what type of punishments to expect when they don't follow through. Finally, the more training exercises you have the more comfortable your sub will become in following you. You will develop your own routine and hopefully feel intimately connected with your sub. I wish you well and happy training.

Links for the Beginning Sadomasochist

So for those of you interested in learning more about BDSM, we hope this blog will be of use to you. It will certainly be of use to us! We are excited to journal our sexual escapades and hope you will feel free to message or email us any questions you have about BDSM, sex ideas, sex toys, relationship issues, marriage, divorce, Christianity, faith, you name it; they all connect with how we humans relate in the bedroom!

Before we start blogging, we will give you beginners out there a crash course in common terminology used in the BDSM world.

• BDSM: Stands for Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism. Refers to a sexual lifestyle where physical and emotional pain are used to heighten sexual pleasure. Also called Sadomasochism, Dominance and Submission, B/D, B&D, D/S, D&S, S&M, S/M. This practice is used by people of all races, religions, and sexual orientations, and differs from sexual abuse because all partners are consenting adults.
• Dom: Short for the Dominant, often called the "S" (for sadist), the Top, or the Master. This refers to the person currently playing the role of the Dominant, or Sadist, someone who likes inflicting pain.
• Sub: Short for the Submissive, often called the "M" (for masochist), the Bottom, or the Slave. This person is currently being dominated.
• Bondage: Any means of restraining or tying your Sub, including tying with rope, tape, handcuffs, or your own hands.
• Discipline: Refers to verbal or emotional "abuse" heaped on the Sub by the Dom, resulting in a sexy feeling of being humilated and dominated
• Fetishism: This is finding sexual attraction from culturally non-sexual objects. Common examples of fetishes are shoes, feet, and panties.
• Power Exchange: This is when the Sub willingly gives control (physical, mental, and sexual) to the Dom. It can be for one short scene or last for days or weeks, depending what the partners agree upon.
• Punishment: Physical "abuse" used by the Dom to enforce and maintain control over the Sub
• Roleplaying: A specific type of BDSM behavior including assuming a separate identity for sexual play. Examples could include Policeman/Suspect, Teacher/Student, Nurse/Patient, etc.
• Safeword: A safeword is a password agreed upon by both partners beforehand that will stop all play immediately. It is imperative that both the Sub and the Dom stop sexual activity as soon as the safeword is spoken. Safewords allow the Sub to cry, plead, beg, and scream, "No!" to their hearts' content, but as soon as they are genuinely uncomfortable, they can call it quits. Common safewords are Red and Pickle.
• Scene: A "scene" is the word for a particular roleplaying game. Participants decide upon a scene beforehand and assume their roles; scenes can last anywhere from a 5-minute play session to an all-day session where both lovers maintain their characters long term.
• Silent Alarm: A silent alarm is imperative for BDSM enthusiasts who are not in a loving monogamous relationship. When you begin to explore with a new partner, tell a friend who you are with, where you'll be, and what time you'll be home. If you are not home by that time, the friend is to call the police. Inform your partner what you are doing and encourage him or her to use a silent alarm, too.

Helpful Links for the Aspiring Sadomasochist:
Click on the links below for more information.
An article on safety for your BDSM adventures.
This website gives novice female subs info on how to stay safe as they begin exploring the BDSM community, and also offers links to reputable resources on BDSM.
Here is a general guide to BDSM.
Warning! This site contains pornographic pictures. It does, however, contain a humorous story on flogging and how to correctly use safewords.