"Why Anal Hurts" Review

In his essay "Why Anal Hurts" the 40-year-old author is quick to point out that he advocates painful sexual submission, not sexual abuse or rape. However, he still has ideas most feminists would hate. His whole idea is that men were made to penetrate and dominate, and women were made to submit and receive penetration. From an evolutionary point of view, he's right, and he uses this to justify a man training and hurting a woman with whom he is in a committed relationship:

Anal sex, most sexual acts in fact, should be painful, degrading, humiliating, or some combination of the three for a woman. The reason for that is quite simple: When something pleases you, you are not submitting to it. You are not demonstrating to your man that his protection, shelter, and provision are worthwhile to you. You are not proving that, of the 110 million women in America of potential breeding age, he made the right choice in selecting you to be bound to for the rest of his life.

The truth is, my Dom would probably agree: most sexual acts should be painful, degrading, or humiliating. For him, it's not about showing gratitude for choosing me, it's about submitting as God calls me to and repaying him for taking care of me in our lives.

This explains another reason why anal sex must brutalize and torture your woman. For her entire life—at least as long as you have been hearing that you are a second-class citizen because of your cock—your little slut has been hearing that she’s the one with all the power and control in any and every sexual relationship because of her pussy.

Strongly put, but definitely something my Dom would also agree with. He loves to hurt and bruise me on the inside. He strives to never harm me, but to bruise.  He likes to go wild on top of me and know I am helpless to stop him. He loves to finger me as I try vainly to pull his hand away. And he does believe that too many women today are not dominated in the bedroom, and too many men today are raised to be wusses and wimps. In that, I can agree with him.

The essay is a bit pompous and self-congratulatory, but the author's message is valuable and I believe the article is definitely worth a read.

Anal + TIH

While I consider our relationship to fall within the umbrella of Taken in Hand (TIH) relationships, I think for us, anal sex has evolved to take the place of spanking. Don't get me wrong, at the beginning spanking was something we both enjoyed, but it was short-lived and he seems to gravitate the last 8-12 months toward anal domination.

Why?

An excellent question. He says he enjoys it because it's a way to dominate me, totally and utterly. I hate it. It's like Doule's experience, which has regrettably been deleted, or this blogger's depictions of anal orgasms.

Maybe it's for many reasons. I don't know everything that goes on in his head, and he is regrettably close-lipped during sex. But I know he likes to control me. Likes how I hate it. Likes how I cry or fight or beg or go limp. Likes how I look as I arch under him. Likes how I clench down on him when he reaches around and pinches my nipples. Likes how I cry out as he rips pleasures out of me. Likes how humiliated I become. Likes how I collapse before him. He tells me these things that he likes, sometimes, as he rides me and I am helpless beneath him.

It's not the physical that causes the orgasm, it's the mental. The subordination. The pain, the confusion, the pleasure. The torture, the humiliation, the father figure, the lord, the master, the boss, the chieftain, the priest. The shuddering submission and the dark enveloping pleasure of sub space.

For us, it's not maintenance spankings or punishment spanking sessions. It's maintenance anal and anal rape as a punishment. It affects me in a deeper, more personal way than spanking does. The pain is more broad and dull, less sharp, more bearable, more pleasurable. The anger spanking brings in me goes away as I fight and am conquered, irrevocably, irretrievably. He invades me; he conquers me; it is done. There is no more to be done but to submit. From inside, grasping my hair in rough handfuls, he controls me as reins do a horse, riding me to his climax even when I weep and collapse from the pain.


Yet it's all the same message as TIH. The man is in charge, the man holds the reins. The woman submits to his will, to his rules, to his specifications, and if she does not she can expect to be punished. Many TIH couples use spanking as a punishment, but not all. Right now, we do not. But my bottom is still punished. Oh, yes it is.

How Abuse Affected Me

Sometimes, my Dom is a little afraid to hurt me. To be mean to me. To demand submission when I honestly don't want to give it. Culturally charged words like rape and slavery make him cringe.

They used to make me cringe, too.

Pasts abuse made me fear giving up control. Sex was a weapon and men had the power. They could hurt you. They could use you, abandon you, lie to you. They could make you submit, promise you the world, and then tear your dreams of intimacy apart. I'd be left devestated and alone. I wasn't sure I could handle that, so I developed a fear of sex.

Not just all sex. Intimate sex. Mention intimacy and I'd shudder. I'd feel grossed out but couldn't explain why. No, thank you. Hurt me, use me, and I'll use you, but please don't try to be tender to me or look into my eyes or tell me you love me. Gross.

At the same time, I was also afraid of physical manifestations of power. I thought the male organ was gross and ugly. The penis was the enemy! I may not have said it, but I felt it. I acted like it. Because of penises, men did all sorts of awful things. I was not a fan. You might even say I was afraid of them.

Luckily, I met a few men who could control said male organs. Who seemed to actually put me first and their (or what my culture insisted was their) all-consuming need for constant sexual gratification second.

I was suspicious to say the least. Cosmo and tv and even FetLife told me all men were slaves to their sexual appetites. Magazines and tv told me that if men said they weren't looking at porn or masturbating or checking out other women, they were lying to you, simple as that. When such wholesome men came along, I thought I smelled a rat.

Eventually, I married one of those good, wholesome men. I was still pretty suspicious though. I just knew I was going to get used for sex, even if he never said it. I kept waiting for him to push me down and ravage me.

Now, I trust him a lot more. I've learned not all men are animals and I trust my Dom completely.

But sometimes it still makes him afraid to push me too far. Slavery.... consensual non-consent... rape.... coercion.... sexual submission. All these things are things we want and discuss, but he's afraid to go too far and damage me forever. Afraid because over the years I've insisted I could never want those things or trust someone enough to let them happen. Afraid because he's seen my eyes go vacant and my head go somewhere else, seen me roll over in bed shuddering and withdraw completely into myself and not talk to him, seen all the effects of abuse.

It happens less and less. But it's always a possibility. Abuse, like cancer or addiction, is something you can live with and get past, but will always be a part of who you are--- or at least who you were.

My abuse doesn't define who I am anymore. But it did shape who I was. And that affects who I am.

A survivor who is learning to trust someone who loves her very much.

Trust Issues

Trust issues are a major barrier in any relationship, but in D/s they really make things come to a screeching halt. This is because BDSM is so rooted in trust, open communication, and consent. The moment those things disappear, it starts to become abuse.

If you look back at my recent posts, I've really been pondering and researching the subject of submission. How can I be more submissive? What does my pattern of submission look like? How can my Dom make me submit? How can he help me submit easier? What are barriers to submission? Can I be a feminist and a submissive?

Obviously, I was wrestling with this issue. But a post by Neo Dom Tom and a subsequent comment by William, author of Training of My Lovely Slut, made me wonder if the answer could be as simple as trust issues.

Am I struggling with submission in some areas because I don't trust my Dom?

Of course I trust him. He is the most trustworthy man I know. But maybe I don't trust... men? myself? being vulnerable? letting go of control?

It makes sense. Like I said, lack of trust brings domination and submission to a screeching halt. They're simply not possible without total, complete trust.

Perhaps some subs and slaves can't let go of control because they were hurt in the past. I suddenly wondered if that was what was happening to me. Could this explain why I can give submission in most areas but not in all? Why I long for D/s but panic and fight it when my Dom tries to advance his control in one more small area that he didn't have it before? "You can't!" I'll cry. "It isn't fair! I should be able to decide [insert topic here]." I'm full of reasons he shouldn't need or want control in this area. After all, it's so tiny and insignificant!

Never one to throw out a theory until I've considered it, I pondered the issue. If I were having trust issues, what would they be? Why would they have developed? Here are some of the things I have come up with.

• I was raised by an emotionally abusive and enmeshed mother. While I was mostly cherished and loved, I learned that love and affection can be taken away at the drop of a hat and replaced by physical and emotional abuse. Sometimes this was due to something I did and sometimes it wasn't. This made me try to control everything around me, including myself, and to develop panic-like anxiety if I wasn't in control. I also learned not to trust happiness because it wouldn't last. I have an anxious personality and I don't feel comfortable when my life is going well and I'm happy because, as one very wise psychologist put it, I'm "always waiting for the other shoe to drop."


• When my parents got divorced, I was pretty devastated. I learned the terrible lesson that you can never trust anything, because even 20-year marriages can fall apart. As such, I tend to look at relationships not as, "He's been trustworthy so far; I can relax now" but "I can never relax because even if he's been great for 5 years who knows what will happen in 25!"


• After said divorce, I became very, very cautious about relationships. I made sure to date boys who were way more into me than I was them--so I had the control. However, I was in one relationship with a boy who stuck around for 3 years. Slowly over that time, I started opening up to him, but I balked at losing control and falling in love because I didn't trust it. I kept my emotions in control. I stayed cautious. However, he finally convinced me to let go and trust him and commit myself fully. Since he'd been there for three whole years, fighting through all my walls, sticking around through all my tests, I finally started to believe that maybe this guy was the real deal and I could trust him. About that time, he got bored with me and started seeing another girl. He left me and I was devastated. It really solidified my belief that I should never let my walls down with anyone, even after years of proving himself.


• When I was older, I started dating a younger man who swore he was in love with me. The more I insisted on being mature, taking it slowly, and being cautious, the more he pursued me and swore up and down that he loved me. When I finally let down my guard with him and took a risk, he stopped talking to me, answering my calls, or calling.


• Later, I dated a nice, artistic boy who again declared his love for me. When I level-headedly pointed out that we hadn't been dating very long, he swore it didn't matter and he was in love anyway. I tentatively decided to go out on a limb and trust him and get my emotions and "love" involved. He immediately and without warning decided we should not date anymore, confessed I was right and he was wrong that it was too early for love, and said he just got carried away. Oops.

John and Stasi Eldredge have really hit home with their assertion that women are always worried about being too much. We are told by men and society that we are too needy, too clingy, too obsessive, too jealous, too something. We are too emotional. We should be cool and clear-headed like men. We should think with our heads and not with our hearts.

This really resonates with me because it is so true. I am always worried I will be too much. I will be too needy. Too clingy. Too annoying. I will be too emotional. I will be too draining. Too depressed. Too insecure. Too possessive. Too submissive. Too intense.

My Dom professes to like these things about me. I believe him. Yet, in some deep part of my heart, I keep part of it locked away. I keep the last tiny bit of control from him. Because the world, and society, and especially my experiences and past hurts, have taught me that nothing and no one can be trusted. People will entice you with happiness and then fail you, on accident if not intentionally. They will hurt you. They will promise you the moon and then take it away. They will swear they want all of you and then when you hesitantly open the door, they get overwhelmed and change their minds. They leave you. They hurt you.

In essence, they reject you.

And that is why control is so hard to give up, even after years of TTWD. Because some part of me wants to protect that last, tiny bit of myself. Some part of me feels safer if there are areas I can control. What I wear, how I dress, what I eat, where I work, how I talk, decisions I make, when we have sex. "It's my job! It's my body!" For each sub I'm sure these areas are different, but we all have them: areas where we want to be in control. Areas where we are afraid to let go.

In Defense of Codependency

I think codependency gets a bad rap these days.

Dauntless Vitality has written a great post about neediness in subs. He says most subs will get from a point of wanting submission and liking these new feelings, to needing it. This is true. Sometimes I need him to control or conquer me even when I don't want it. DV rightly points out that this can be scary for subs. It goes against who we always thought we were. It goes against what society and our families and friends probably value in us, namely, our individuality and sense of independence. It doesn't mean we can't be individual and spunky, but sometimes it's still scary.

Coming to terms with needing a strong man in our lives is scary. It sounds bad. It sounds needy and clingy. It sounds like that dreaded word, codependent.

"Codependent" is like a swear word in psychology circles these days. Counselors and psychologists love to throw that word around. Many will recommend self-help books like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. (I found both books terribly depressing and do not recommend them, by the way).

Codependency is a legitimate illness for many people in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, or emotional abusers. I am not devaluing their experiences. I think in those instances, counseling and treatment are great options.

But codependency has grown from a problem affecting a specific group of people to a pop psychology byword. Completely untrained friends and family with no background in psychology will pass judgment on you. You worry about what your husband thinks? If your wife is sad, you're sad too? You put your Dom's needs above your own? You don't give your wife complete autonomy and independence? You don't both spend a lot of time with other people? You must be (*dun dun dun*) CODEPENDENT!!! For shame!

Sigh.

Robert Burney describes codependency like this:

Codependence is about giving power over our self-esteem to external conditions
and/or outer forces (including other people).

Ouch. I think most people in a D/s relationship would qualify as codependent, then.

Melody Beattie has a whole list of co-dependent symptoms that don't really apply to D/s, but here are some that do:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

A lot of subs derive their meaning from their Dom--and vice-versa. You wouldn't be a very good Master or Dom if you didn't feel responsible for your sub, actually. Many people in D/s find their identity through their role (sub, HoH, Mistress, slave). Finding your identity in someone else is a big no-no in today's pop psychology world. We are supposed to be independent! Autonomous! We are not ever supposed to put others above ourselves!

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But this is the difference in working through legitimate codependency issues with a trained professional and reading a few pop-psychology books and considering yourself an expert. Not only is this popular new battle cry of "Independence in marriage!" not very Christlike, it's doesn't sound like a good marriage--even a vanilla one.

A counselor once told me I was codependent. I didn't know what that meant, but I dutifully bought and read Beattie's book, Codependent No More. For the record, I am not the child of an alcoholic or drug addict, and in fact was raised in a stable middle-class home. The book basically just made me feel guilty for being a people-pleaser and caring too much about what people think. It made it seem like I should be selfish and insist on my own independence, even in a healthy relationship. I think it had some wise pointers for me to avoid getting sucked into an abusive relationship, but now that I'm in a marriage with a loving, Christian man who cares about me deeply... the book just makes me feel needlessly guilty for finding my identity primarily through him/us and for giving control of my life to him.

And isn't that what TTWD is?

If you want to read more, check out William Harley, Jr.'s controversial article, How the Co-Dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages. It's taken a lot of heat on the internet with people defending the codependency movement (of course), but Harley's work stands alone as a scathing criticism of pop-psychology codependence.

When Anxiety Hits

The last few days, I have been struggling with anxiety again.

I've been off medicine for about 6 months, right before we got pregnant. It was hard at first, but eventually that terrible first trimester ended and life became sane and happy again. Since then, I've been doing fine.

This week, I can tell I'm having a resurgence of anxiety issues. I can tell this because my "coping mechanisms" are popping back up again. Things like feeling fatigued all the time, feeling tired for no reason, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and nap when I'm sad, obsessively chewing my nails or gnawing my fingers, getting overwhelmed quickly during arguments and lapsing into the silent treatment, and having the desire to shut myself into rooms or closets.

I'm not sure exactly what's causing it, but it could be many things: pregnancy, moving, living with my Dom again after 6 weeks apart, being off the anti-anxiety medicine.

I try to stick with my less-unhealthy coping mechanisms, for example chewing my nails is far preferable to shutting myself into a closet. But it's still hard, and once I get into a funk I can stay there for days.

My Dom is trying to help me come up with healthy ways to manage my anxiety. He suggested exercise, but I hate exercise at the best of times, and there is just no way I am going to have the energy to exert myself when I am 5 months pregnant and my stomach skin is already painfully stretched out just from walking around. I'm also trying to drink plenty of water. I wonder if having regular sex would be good; it's not something we normally do but it might be a way for me to get exercise and stress relief without having to actually get out and run in the heat.

My Dom has also figured out that just getting me out of the house can help. So does eye contact with him--I find it grounding-- and having a list of things to get done that I can cross off and feel productive about. I whine and try desperately to stay in bed, but he looks into my eyes and tells me our plan, and eventually I get happier once we're out and doing things. I like having a purpose, even if it's just small things. For example, yesterday we went to lunch and then to run errands. Lunch was pretty miserable; I was grouchy and picking fights, but by the time we'd run 2-3 errands I was feeling better, so we ran a few more and then went and got a Tropical Sno and that cheered me up considerably. :)

Tropical Sno can really solve all ills. There's something about that brightly-colored sugar that just cheers me immeasurably.

I've never met a family member or boyfriend who knew me well enough or had sufficient control over my emotions to drag me out of an anxious, unhappy funk. It's just one more reason I think D/s control is helping our relationship. My Dom doesn't use it to get off or have an unpaid servant; he uses it to take care of me and keep me healthier. Because he has sway over my emotions, he can help me when they get out of hand. And for him, he enjoys the control and having a wife who is calmer and happier. It works well for both of us.

Needing to Be Choked to Submit

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I did. I had a great time visiting with my family and both the Christmas services I went to were very inspirational (I went to one with my family and another one with my husband once he arrived in town).

Now we are back home for a few days before we travel again for the New Year holidays. I'm pretending I don't see the huge pile of boxes waiting to be unpacked. What boxes? Where?

Last night, my Dom and I were together alone for the first time in over a week. Say what I will about sexual liberation and all that, I just can't bring myself to have sex in my parents' house. My mother has an unfortunate habit of walking into my high school bedroom without knocking whenever she wants, and I think if we disappeared for 45 minutes they'd all know what we were doing anyway. No, thank you. So we had a nice time last night, got one precious hour of alone time before we had to put our clothes back on and say goodbye to the kitties again in order to head out to his parents' house and do Christmas celebration there. (Note: my husband forgot to tell me, when I left our house wearing a dress, tights, and boots, that his family wears sweats and jeans to their Christmas.... so I was a bit overdressed. Oops.)

When we finally got back, I was all ready to go again, but we were both tired and that makes us grouchy. My husband is a lot less dominating when he is tired or has been drinking; he sort of turns into just a regular man. While this is okay for our real life, it makes it impossible for me to get turned on in our sex life.

All I wanted him to do was choke me or yank my hair so I couldn't move. I eventually told him what I wanted, and he did it, but of course it isn't the same when your Dom is grabbing your neck to screw you because you want him to, and not because he wants to. It's somehow much less sexy.

So I have to wonder: why do I need restraint to have sex? I have several theories, which I will share here:

• Maybe I'm not "naturally submissive" enough to just lie there and take it. I want to be wrestled down and have it taken from me. Otherwise, I feel a bit bored by the whole thing. And it is im-poss-ible for me to stay interested in a sexual act that I feel bored and disengaged by. It's like he's just using my body, and my mind and heart are not engaged at all.


• I tend to disengage from sex, whether as a result from past abuse or due to my own emotional issues. Having a hand on my throat, or my wrists tied tightly and yanked above my head, or a harsh pull on my hair, helps me stay engaged with what is happening. If I don't have that "anchor" to sex, I float away from it and feel completely disengaged from my body. Not only is that not fair to my husband, but it's a scary feeling for me, and one that I hate, so of course I'd prefer to be roughed up a bit so I can stay "in the moment."


• Sex is often depicted as not as good for the woman as for the man. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I'd say it's true in my marriage that my Dom enjoys sex more often than I do. So if I'm not getting pleasure out of it, I might as well be getting pain or mental excitement out of it.... otherwise, why bother? Just give me a good book and a plate of warm cookies and forget the whole "sex" thing.


• I can't get turned on if I don't feel like my husband is being dominant. I'm not interested in vanilla sex... after my first taste of BDSM-style sex, I was hooked forever. This frustrates my husband, who is sometimes too tired to want to put the effort in for full-on domination, but mostly it suits our styles.

I'm not sure which is the reason, but my guess is it's a little bit of all of the above.

My two cats are sprawled out beside me, one on each end of the couch asleep like little bookends, both collapsed there with the complete abandon that only truly happy cats can attain. Maybe I should leave more often, if coming home again makes them both so happy and friendly.

I hope you all had a great Christmas! More ruminations to follow.

Bondage Rope and Shots Scenes

The other day, my Dom used our bondage rope for a wonderfully devious purpose--to force me to do his will during the scene. Instead of tying my wrists or ankles with the rope, he looped it around my neck in a gentle knot. I was stuck.

This extra control was great for him, because with just a slight tug or pull he could force my head and body to go wherever he wanted them. He forced me to kneel before him on a pillow, tugging at the rope whenever I was too hesitant or slow for his liking. Then he forced me to give him head, even with me saying no and protesting and turning my head away, by pulling on the cord around my neck until I had no choice but to take him in my mouth. (For those new to the blog, we have a relationship of consensual non-consent and I am always allowed to use my safeword.)

I can't lie, the control was hot. Not the things we were doing, but being forced to do them. With just a soft rope around my neck and him pulling it like a leash or lead, I was at his mercy. I think we both enjoyed it.

Later, we went to a hookah bar since I'd never tried the hookah bar. Some people we knew were there, so we stayed very late, and during that time I told him "no" several times, so afterwards for my punishment he took me to a seedy bar and made me take 2 double shots of whiskey, which I don't like. I pouted and whined and promises to be better next time, but he was completely firm, and no amount of pleading, cajoling, or rationalizing worked. Finally, I took my two shots worth of punishment and we headed on home, me feeling tipsy and even more at his control. We ended the night by cuddling up in bed and falling into an exhausted sleep, but it was a very fun night out.

Today has been rather unactive. My Dom found a kitten outside that was obviously alone and hungry so we've let her in and given her food and toys. Our two kitties are very unhappy with this; one is watching her every move like a hawk and the other is hiding in the back bedroom. I'd love to keep her, but we can't keep three kitties so I will eventually put her up for adoption. She's a cute cat and very young so we hope we'll find her a good home.

Well, that's all my news for the day. I think the scene from last night was very good, so if you like any of the ideas, feel free to use them as suggestions for your own scene ideas with your sub or Dom.

Oh, and I'm on Twitter now, so if you want to follow me, go to http://twitter.com/Sexperts_!

Asking Permission to Do Things

Today there was a discussion on Fetlife about what kinds of things slaves and subs must ask permission to do. While most D/s relationships have rules, the non-kinky domestic discipline groups like CDD or Taken in Hand tend to only have a few rules, and ones that are obviously helpful to the woman (to keep her safe, to make her a better person, to keep her healthy, etc.). On the other hand, in Master/slave and Dominant/sub relationships, some people prefer to have many rules for the sub.

What are some examples of things slaves and subs could be required to ask permission for?

1. Going to the bathroom.
2. Using furniture in the house (including beds, tables, and chairs).
3. Using the phone or internet.
4. Leaving the house.
5. Shopping or spending money.
6. Corresponding with new people on Fetlife or the internet.
7. Posting photos to Fetlife.
8. To talk to other Dom/mes or Masters/Mistresses.
9. To ask Doms and Masters permission to speak to their slaves or subs.
10. To begin eating.
11. To masturbate.
12. To orgasm.
13. To sexually pleasure the Dom or Master.
14. To leave the Master's presence.
15. To drink anything other than water.
16. To change a profile picture online.
17. To speak or ask a question.
18. To go out late with friends.
19. To open the mail.
20. To read or respond to messages online.
21. To smoke or drink.
22. To sleep in bed every night.
23. To post to online blogs or journals.
24. To visit friends or family.
25. To choose the clothing for the day.

Depending on how strict or laid back a Master wants to be, the rules can be very general ("You don't have to ask permission to do anything unless I am in the room with you") or very strict ("You can't use public or private toilets with the seat down"). It all depends on the couple!

Slave Positions

My Dom has asked me to research and blog about some common slave positions, so here it is!

The idea of slave positions comes originally from the Chronicles of Gor by John Norman. These Gorean slave positions are often used by Gorean slaves, kajirae for female slaves and kajiri for male. However, many non-Gorean BDSMers have adapted these slave positions and use them in slave and submissive training.

Below, I've outlined some of the more basic positions I've come across in my time on BDSM sites. By far the best site I've found on the topic is Kassar's, although B.E.S.T. slave training and Kohlteth's camp also have some positions with pictures.

Nadu

(Pictured above.) This is the most basic position in Gorean culture. The word means "kneel" in Gorean and is the defaul position for slaves. The slave kneels and sits on her heels with her legs spread to allow her Master to see all of her. Her head is high but her eyes lowered with respect, and her hands rest upturned on her thighs. I've also seen Nadu with the hands turned down.

Ko'lar

Ko'lar is the Gorean word for "collar." This position is a variation of the Nadu. The slave starts in Nadu, then raises her hands above her head and crosses them at the wrists, ready to be bound. Her head and gaze are down.

Bracelets

This is another variation of the Nadu position. The slave kneels, not sitting up on her heels, and crosses her wrists behind her back, ready to be bound with slave bracelets or rope. Her back should be straight and her head turned slightly toward the left.

Obey

The slave lies on her tummy, prostrate before her Master, and turns her head to rest the side of her face on his foot or shoe.

Whipping

The slave starts in Nadu position, then leans forward until the top half of her is laying on the floor. She sweeps her hair in front of her and raises her arms above her head, crossing them at the wrists. In this position, she can be easily whipped without her hands or hair hindering her Master's access to her back.

Sula

This one is very simple and often used by sexual slaves. The slave lies flat on her back, legs spread wide open, with her arms held loosely by her sides and her palms up.

Sula-Ki

As an alternative to the Sula, there is also the Sula-Ki position, where the slave raises her hips to allow easier entry.

Lesha

The slave puts her back to the Master and crosses her wrists behind her back. She keeps her chin raised and slightly to the left. In this position, the Master can easily bind her wrists and attach a leash (lesha is Gorean for "leash").

A Right or Wrong Way to Dominate?

"Do it the way you want to, otherwise you become a slave to the role of Master."

A lot of Doms and Masters want to know, "Is there a right way to dominate? A wrong way?"

Well, here's my answer:

There is no right way to dominate.

There are, however, some wrong ways to dominate.

Here's my logic: there is no "right way" to do something as personal as dominate another human being. Every Dom and Master will bring his (or her) own personality, strengths, weaknesses, goals, experiences, and styles to a relationship. Some will be very laid back, others harsh, others affectionate and playful, others stern and demanding. Some will be all four at different times! There are almost infinite ways you could dominate someone, and if that style makes both of you happy, it's okay.

On the other hand, there are definitely wrong ways to dominate. If you are not consistent, or if you are weak. If you are an asshole instead of a Dominant (you'd be surprised how often the two are confused by new Masters). And especially, especially this: if you are abusive. When your domination starts being nonconsenual, and about your control and power trip at the expense of your slave/sub, then it becomes abusive. Some examples would be beating your sub because you're angry, verbally abusing her, or harming [not hurting] her. If you cause damage to her psyche or body, that's not good domination. Masters want something out of the relationship for themselves, of course, but they must also give. They are responsible for the wellbeing of another person, and she is his treasure and greatest achievement. As he shapes her into the person he wants her to be, he must also ask, Is this who she wants to be? Is this is her/our best interests? Will this make her a better person in the long run? If the answer is no, you have a problem.

But some Doms and Masters think there is only one right way to dominate. However, do it the way you want to.

Do you want to give commands? Do it. Would you rather ask politely? Do it. Would you rather have your slave sit and you do it yourself? Do it. You have the power in the relationship, and that means you can choose how and when and where you want to wield it.

Be safe. Be sane. Be consenual. Always keep in mind the best interests of this being you love, who has given you control of her life. Enjoy the control. That's why you're Master.

The Story of My Domination.... At Last

Yesterday, after writing my exhausting blog on BDSM Identity Crisis, I spent the rest of my day in a funk. I was sad, blue, and gloomy. My husband would never Dom me consistently and I would never be fulfilled. Ba Humbug and the like.

He got home and read the blog. We had dinner (he did BBQ chicken, corn, and potatoes, yum!) and talked about our days. He read the blog again while I read my book. I didn't want him to be mad about what I'd written. I told him writing is just a way for me to express things that I couldn't express otherwise.

Well, a little later, something changed. He turned to me and said, "This is what we're going to do." His voice had changed. It was stronger. He sounded firm and .... bossy.

Something in me, that feminine part of me that yearns to be dominated, was struck. Immediately, defense mechanisms flew into place. I was not going to be hoodwinked into temporary, pretend Dominance again! I want it too much and it hurts too much to lose it. Illogically, I fought hard against the very thing I said I wanted.

I went straight into "child mode." I wouldn't look at him. He took my chin in his hand and refused to keep speaking until I made eye contact. "Look at me," he said, his voice deep and commanding. I whined, whimpered, and tried (childishly) to bury my head into my shoulder. "Look at me," he kept repeating. Finally, I did.

"This is what we're going to do," he said confidently. "You're going to change clothes, do your hair, and we're going to go shopping. You have 15 minutes."

Well, I love shopping. But every part of me was fighting tooth and nail to not be dominated. I stayed in childlike mode. "No!" I whined (I'm surprised I didn't stamp my foot.) "I don't want to go shopping! I can't get ready in 15 minutes! I'm too tired! It's not enough time! You can't boss me around! You didn't even ask me what I wanted to do!"

Luckily, he rose to my unspoken challenge. He confidently told me, "Now you have 14 minutes. You're wasting time."

I kept whining, throwing every reason possible at him. He ignored them all and kept counting down the time. "You have 12 minutes left," he said calmly.

Huffing, I flounced to the bathroom and got ready, still pouting and whining under my breath. In my mind, I decided I would get ready too slowly and be a minute or two late. He would never notice, not punish me, and I would win. Inside, I was excited and happy he was doing this. But I wasn't through testing him yet. (I guess I was in a really bratty mood!)

We got ready and I did my hair and makeup. As I did, I started feeling better already. No wonder I'd been so mopey, sitting around the house in my PJs with no hair and makeup done. I turned before my eyes into an attractive young woman, someone my husband could be proud to take out. I childishly wanted him to be happy with me, to think I was pretty. Still, on the outside I pouted. "What are you going to do to me if I'm not ready?" I challenged.

"For every minute you're late, I'm giving you 10 spanks," he replied calmly. I thought about that for a minute. I wanted to push him more and test him, but he was being strangely confident. I was afraid he would actually do it, and I don't like being spanked. I decided I could let him win this one.

Ten minutes later, I was ready and in the car. I was dressed and looking the way he wanted me to. I was excited I was getting dominated, but my face still wore a pout and I was still tes0ting my limits. Would this new domination last? Or would I be able to push past him and "win"? Much as I wanted him to win, I didn't want it to be an easy fight. Like a true brat, I wanted to test his resolve. Would he insist on getting his way no matter what? I got poutier and poutier thinking about it, but I loved it. The relaxation of being told what to do... not having to make decisions... of knowing you're pleasing because you're wearing exactly what he told you to and doing exactly what he wants. Ahhhh happiness.

He put me in the car with the air running and walked to his car. He returned with one of my favorite headbands, a black sparkly thing with a huge crystal flower on it. "This was in my car, and I want you to wear it today," he told me, still sounding firm and calm and terribly sexy. I decided (sigh) to test this one, too.

"Whyyyy??" I whined, my lower lip actually sticking out.

"Because it will look pretty, and I want you to wear it," he said. Yum. I was getting everything I wanted. My clit gets tight remembering his confidence now, a day later. But was it real? Or some facade for my benefit after the blog? I pushed more to find out.

"You can't make me," I whined petulantly, sounding for all the world like a spoiled little girl and not like the educated, professional woman I am. "What will you do if I don't?"

In a voice firm as the earth, he said decisively, "If it's not on by the convenience store, I'm turning this car around and giving you 25 hard spanks." Part of me wasn't sure he meant it, but part of me was afraid he was. He seemed so... sure. I'm not used to such decision from him, but today he had it. Even on small things, like my clothes and what headband to wear, he had orders and he was going to get them carried out. If he had shown weakness, or not threatened to punish me, I would have pushed more. As it was, I whined and pushed the thing on my head. I was torn between a feeling of "unfair!" and "Oh yessss finally." I loved it but I hated it. He turned, saw the headband perched atop my hair, and laughed maniacally. He had won, and we both knew it.

He let me pick where we went shopping, and he held my hand. Instead of taking it like he normally does in public, like a vanilla husband, he took it possessively, like he owned me and was parading me around for his pleasure. I shivered inside with happiness. It is often a problem in our BDSM relationship, that I want to be bossed around on all the small, tiny things that happen all day, whereas he only wants to enforce the big things. To me, having my choice taken away on all the millions of small things a day is a heavenly release. I have an anxiety disorder in the worst way, and even small decisions like what to do, what to wear, how to wear my hair, and how to serve him a beer worry me. When he commands me a certain way to do it, and punishes me when I don't obey completely, that takes so much worry and anxiety out of my life. I can melt into his strength and have those decisions taken care of for me. It's like a guarantee that I'll be pleasing, since I'm doing exactly what he says. What a relief!

We went shopping, and he didn't do anything terribly bossy. He let me pick the stores and what clothes to wear, but he also was involved and picked out a few pieces he wanted me to try on as well. He carried my bags and paid for my purchases. I thanked him. When I was tired, he led me back to the car, opened all my doors, and started the engine. We drove around forever, trying to find a tropical snow stand. We finally found one. I let him order for me (Tiger's Blood, medium) and pay for us both. I love when he orders for me at restaurants and stores. It makes it clear to everyone that he is in charge, and it takes so much anxiety off my shoulders when I don't have to deal with strangers. It was a beautiful summer night, and I was happy.

I started getting a bit cocky, since he hadn't done anything overtly "dominating" for a few hours. I thought perhaps he'd slipped back into regular vanilla space for us. I got mouthy and hit him. Immediately, he grabbed my hand and pushed hard into the pressure point where my sunburn is. None of the families around us had a clue what just happened, but I was adequately punished. I smacked him again, and he did it again. Still trying to "win," I smacked him and then quickly hid my hand. I thought he would give up eventually and stop trying to punish me if I could wear him out.

He didn't.

Finally I had to give in. I sulked a while, and my hand hurt, but I loved it. I felt so controlled and loved. He hadn't let me get away with anything, even when it was difficult and more work for him. I felt boundaries closing in on me and relaxed. We enjoyed our Tropical Snows and the beautiful weather. We drove home and finished them on the front porch, then went inside.

We read a bit of an article I like that describes the 5 levels of subspace. We talked about me in subspace... first I get defiant, then whiny, then obedient. Once I hit the dreamy, obedient stage, he knows I'm in subspace. I hadn't been there in so long, maybe a year, and I missed it! It is so relaxing and wonderful. I told him I felt he never let me stay there long enough before bringing me out. In that mindset, I feel so needy and clingy it is ridiculous. He is my world and what he thinks is all I care about. I am deadened to pain and feel completely relaxed, almost disengaged from my body. I want to please him. I am nothing but relaxation and horniness and submission. He said that he's noticed when I get there, I don't speak, and can only handle yes or no questions. I guess that is true, because I just get so dreamy.

There is a spot on my neck that makes me relax and slip into subspace. Having it bitten or sucked makes me limp, like those tigers you see on the nature channel who bite the back of the female tiger's neck to keep her submissive while he takes her. He bit me there, again and again. I moaned and I lay there. I started to worry I would get annoying or too heavy, laying there with all my weight in his arms, head hanging off to the side.

He picked me up and pushed me against the wall. He kept biting me, and I was afraid to let go and slide to the floor. I didn't want to annoy him, so I tried to keep enough presence of mind to stand up straight. He bit me, kissed me, and savagely pushed me against the wall. I moaned and moaned. He pushed his knee up into my groin and I felt myself get wet all over my panties and pants. I longed for him to dry hump me there against the wall. I wanted it so much I was whimpering, but I didn't have the words to tell him what I wanted.

The rest of it is a bit of a hazy blur for me. We went into the bedroom, where I slipped out of my clothes and lay there, expectant, feeling the cold sheets bite sharply into my skin. He joined me and bit me some more. My neck started to get tender and it started to hurt in a bad way, jolting me out of subspace instead of sending me further in. He stopped and started touching my body. He rolled me over and fingered me from behind, with me laying flat on my stomach. Ohhhhh. He touched a spot deep within me, it was so wonderful it was almost too much, and I thought I would die if he kept doing it. Which he did. I spasmed around his fingers, and he kept pushing into me. I was his. Oh, I was his.

We finished off with the vibrator, which was good but not as wonderful as his fingers inside me, stroking me into oblivion. Nothing beats the emotional pull of skin-on-skin contact. I lay there, trembling, and he held me for a while before commanding me to give him a hand job. I did, even with my sunburned hand, because I was so hazy and deep that the whole thing seemed a blur. It seemed to take him forever, but finally he came, and we washed up and headed to bed. I was worried for a bit that he was bored with my orgasm and that's why he wanted one, but he told me it wasn't because he wanted one, but because he wanted to see me give him one. That made me feel even more controlled and dominated, and I drifted to a happy sleep, where I had dreams that we were having sex and I was grinding on his cock, always wanting more.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'd like to order more of that, every day, all the time. Domination = happy sub. Thank you.

Making a Sub Submit

A discussion I've started on Fetlife is about how to make someone submit. I'm very curious to know more about this topic.

A lot of people have trouble with the idea of "making" a sub (or slave) submit, because BDSM is, of course, completely consensual and voluntary. So if you start to force someone to submit who doesn't want to, some people fear it becomes abuse and no longer consensual BDSM.

Well, while I see that, I'm not sure I always agree. In my "regular" mentality, I'm a total control freak. That powerhouse of a woman I am would not dream of letting my fiance boss me around, especially since in regular life I feel I'm the more capable of the two of us. I know what needs to be done and I do it, or I remember errands that need to be run and I have to be in charge of reminding him to do them. Now, I'd love to be in a situation where my fiance was in charge all the time, but that's just not the way we are. I'm a control freak, a perfectionist, and a driven force of nature, and he's more laid back.

So until I'm in my "sub" mentality, I don't let go. Oh, it's not that I don't want to! But I'm a strong, capable woman, and I'm not about to let go of the reins until I know he can be trusted with them. So I hold on to them with a death grip until he forces them out of my hand. If he can't force them out of my hand, I know (for right now) I'm still the stronger one and I need to be the one in control. This is not a great thing about me, but it is true; I struggle with submitting!

At the same time, I have no desire to be the Domme. I yearn for a man who is in control, in charge, and powerful all the time. Someone who can force me into subspace with a glance or a certain tone. Someone who can remind me of my place and that's it's behind him, not out in front crusading and leading the way. I'm simply not sexually interested at all in a man who is a sub to my Domme.

Well, this sometimes gives me trouble. I want to submit, but I don't want to submit!

Welcome to being a woman, I guess. :)

Some fellow sub-women on Fetlife seem to be able to just give away control easily. I admire them and envy them. However, it is not in my nature to give up leadership to someone who is less fit for it than I am--I live my life by strict principles of what is just and right. If you want to lead, you have to earn it. If you want to lead me, you have to do a better job at it than I would. Otherwise, what glory is there in your position of "Dom"? It isn't real, it isn't something either of us can respect, and we are both just living a lie.

Now sometimes, my fiance becomes my Dom. He doesn't seem to really be sure how he does it, because he can't do it on command---it just happens or it doesn't. (This is frustrating to both of us!) I've tried to explain to him how he does it. He just seems.... so much more confident. He doesn't bully me or use control in a bad way. But on the other hand, he isn't laid back or passive. He sometimes hits this perfect balance of domination that just works for us. He is calm, confident, and manly. He is gentle, stern, guiding, and self-aware. He doesn't boss me around, but in his requests I hear an underlying manliness that makes me know they aren't just requests.

I love this state. I love how it makes me feel. I love that then I feel more relaxed, more feminine. You see, I don't like to be in control all the time. I would prefer to have a manly, strong, formiddable, gentle man--like in the books--to lean on for decisions, to get things done, to match my own fiery personality and drive in life. Sometimes my fiance does this, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I really crave it, and I whine and sulk because "we aren't doing BDSM enough." I complain that "I'm sexually bored." Of course, this tends to make him defensive and me critically and nagging. We end up arguing about whose fault it is---mine for being too picky or his for being too uncreative in bed---which, of course, is totally against the Bible. After all, our faith tells us:

"As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18).

Nagging, criticism, and bickering over sex-- the one thing God designed to be perfectly uniting and selfless---it totally not what two Christians should be doing. Yet sometimes we find ourselves there.

So can you make a submissive submit? In my opinion, what I want my fiance to do is NOT abuse. If a man or woman MADE someone submit when they didn't want to, that would be abuse. But in my heart of hearts, I want to submit. I yearn to be pushed forcibly into subspace where I can relax and know that the man who loves me is in charge of everything and will take care of me. But I don't trust him or anyone else enough to just go to such a place of submission and lack of control unless I know they can be trusted to take care of me once I'm there. I have to have it proved to me.

In the end, what I want is a fight---and I want to lose. I want to fight him, tooth and nail, so that when I am finally defeated, I know it was a real defeat, not simply that I pretended to fight and then bowed down to an undeserving adversary. I want someone worth his salt, someone who can make me submit, someone who compels me to be submissive by the very fact that he is so dominating. I know some kinksters would not agree with me on this, and say a sub must submit voluntarily.

But that is not something I know how to do.

Commands for your Sub

All you tops, Doms, Dommes, Mistresses, Daddies, and Owners!

Sometimes in BDSM, the "real world" keeps a couple from the kinkiness and sex. You're too tired, too busy, or it's hard to get into the mindset of "Dom" and "sub" after a long day at work.

Here are some commands and phrases to try that can help a Dom and sub get into the right mindset:

• Look at me.
• Come here and kneel before me.
• Come to me, Slave Girl.
• Three...two...one.
• Mouth on my cock now.
• Excuse me?
• Try that again.
• Answer me, please.
• Come be my slave now.
• Do it now.
• Would you like to rephrase that?
• Try again.
• Pet, listen to me.
• Answer me.
• Come here.
• Over here, now!
• I'm going to spank you for that.
• I don't like your tone.
• I don't think so.
• What did you say?
• Come serve me.
• Kneel here, my pet.
• I want you to run my shower and then wait here to dry me off.
• Go set out our toys on the bed.
• Go set out my nightclothes, please.
• Refill my drink, Beloved.
• Don't you resist me!
• You'd better offer that ass up to me!
• Sit!
• Stop fighting it.
• Enough!
• How's that working for you?
• I'll give you a minute to rephrase that before you try that again.
• You know what to do and I damned well expect you to shape up and get it right.
• Understood?
• Didn't I tell you that already?
• Because I told you to.
• You're my bitch. Obey me.
• Get up, girl.
• On your knees.
• Get down.
• Sweetheart, you're not listening to your Daddy.
• Listen to Master.
• I said now!
• Get in position.
• Suck it now.
• Harder.
• Get into your position.
• Lean up against the wall with your hands. Now.
• Spread your legs for me.
• Spread your fucking legs!
• My sweet pet, you're going to get it later.
• Lower your pants and bend over my knee.

Also, for many subs it is the look in your eye and the tone of your voice that do it! It doesn't have to be mean or yelled, but a simple, calm, quiet command or a low grown will do wonders!

All these ideas due to the wonderful kinksters at Fetlife.

My Intro to Puppy Play

Puppy play is a new area for me, although one that's always been hot. There's something so repellent in the idea of being degraded into a subhuman entity, something so disgusting and wrong and humiliating that an activity that once grossed me out gradually began to turn me on.

My Dom and I had several hot talks about this very thing when I was living in France and phone BDSM was all we had. I suggested the idea, and slowly it became very hot. He would talk to me on the phone as we'd discuss all the terribly wrong things he could do to me to make me act like a dog.

Finally, we did it.

It wasn't a terribly intense scene; there were no cages or leashes or shock collars, no dog bowls engraved with "FIDO" and no peeing on a newspaper. Yet.

First, my Dom psyched me out by putting my hair into two pigtails. I assumed we were going to try our hand at Daddy/little girl play, so I was a little surprised when he came in with two of his long, fuzzy socks.

He subsequently tied both socks around my knees (a brilliant idea, by the way) and then tied a computer cord around my neck.

Of course, I hadn't been warmed up and I was no where near to sub space. I let him strip me off naked and tie the cord around me, but I refused to budge when he tried to lead me away. But my Dom is stronger than me, and the cord around my neck being pulled forced me into a crawling position, and eventually forced me to take several begrudging steps. Since he kept pulling, my choice was clear: be choked, or crawl forward. At first I stubbornly tried to stay still, but this only ended up in me coughing, gagging, and being forced to crawl a few steps forward. Once, I grabbed the cord with both hands and refused to budge, but all this did was make him pull me several feet across the hardwood floors (I wouldn't recommend this, as now I have a neck/back ache). Gradually, he choke/dragged me across the house and into the kitchen.

You don't have to own a lot of BDSM toys for puppy play to work, by the way. Of course, there are all sorts of BDSM toys you can buy for this type of play: leashes, collars, doggie ears, butt plugs that double as tails, cages, dog toys, even knee pads and fake paws gloves. But my Dom and I are big believers in the cheap, do-it-yourself BDSM scenes. While we do own a few vibrators and paddles, we generally stick to creative use of household items.

Some handy tips if ever you want to indulge in puppy play without investing in expensive gear:

• rope or computer cord instead of a leash and collar
• pigtails instead of fake doggie ears
• thick socks instead of knee pads
• regular bowls instead of dog food dishes
• crumbled human food instead of dog food (humans shouldn't eat real dog food, anyway)
• rolled up newspaper instead of a whip or paddle

Anyway, our play began, and boy, was I humiliated! Once I'd been dragged into the kitchen, I proceeded to bury my head in my hands. My Dom grabbed the nearest wooden spoon and spanked me until I started whining and protesting.

"Dogs don't talk," he reminded me, setting a bowl of water in front of me. "Now drink!"

Of course, I was about to die of humiliation. I thought I might actually start to cry, but I held it in. I refused to drink, no matter how much he spanked me, first with the wooden spoon and next with a rolled-up newspaper, yelling "Bad dog!" at me. Finally, he grabbed one of my pigtails and forced my head into the bowl. I had no choice, and so I drank.

Next, he tied my "leash" to the kitchen table and left me there with a bowl of crumbled up chocolate while he went to roll up another newspaper. Once I had finished my bowl of "dog food," he led me into the living room and forced me to fetch a pen he threw across the room. At first I started to cry and told him I couldn't (you might want to put a gag on your "puppy" if she won't stop talking), but eventually he spanked me so much I went, dragging my head and near sobs. I crawled across the floor and was instructed to pick the pen up with my mouth and bring it back. Once I dropped the pen at his feet, he petted me and rubbed me and told me, "Good dog!" while I cringed in abject misery and humiliation at his feet.

Although I was an unwilling puppy, my Master expected this. He kept a firm tone of voice and kept yelling at me, pulling me by my leash, or spanking me until he got what he wanted. Gradually, I became more and more obedient to his commands.

Finally, he lead a shaking, humiliated, and very turned on sub into the bedroom. He made me suck his big toe and jack him off to earn my freedom from "puppydom." Once I'd earned it, he released me from my bondage and rewarded me with lots of fingering and dildos. My pride and stubborness gone, I relished every second of it.

For me, what was so gratifying about this scene was the loss of control. Though I fought him, I was eventually forced to submit and act like a dog. He nearly brought me to tears, and this messed wonderfully with my mind.

For him, he found the power and control over me to be highly erotic. He likes breaking me, wearing me down, and ultimately triumphing over a strong woman. It makes him feel powerful and dominant, and so he enjoys our scenes like this.

If you'd like to try puppy (or kitty, or pony, or whatever) play, I suggest you play with household items before investing in expensive toys you may not even like. Once you've decided you like this fetish, you can buy the toys. Also, a choke collar is a great idea, but make sure not to drag your pet by the neck, as this causes neck and back problems or headaches. If you want to litter train or paper train your pet, expect a longer scene--and try to make them drink lots and lots of water before you play! Also, don't accept anything less than 100% obedience if you want your pet to obey you---my Dom caught me sneaking pieces of chocolate out of my bowl, and only hit me a few times with completely painless newspaper, and I also got away with quite a lot of "human" talking. A gag might work to stop your pet from talking if she refuses to obey your commands.

Once we were done, I was worn out and near sleep. He cuddled me and I dozed happily, safe and warm in my Dom's arms. *happy sigh*

Pain vs. Control: Why Do People Sub?

Why is it that men and women who are educated, smart, efficient businessmen, professionals, teachers, doctors, educators, and students in their everyday lives are willing to go home and be bossed around, hit, controlled, beaten, and used? For many "vanilla" people, this is difficult to understand.

While I can't attempt to describe why each individual chooses to become a sub, I believe it boils down to two main reasons: pain and control. If you feel yourself drawn to a submissive lifestyle, you are probably drawn to at least one of these reasons (and maybe both).

Let's start with pain, since it is the most well-known in the vanilla world. After all, subs who like to be whipped and beaten by their lovers are much more likely to get vanilla attention than one who just likes to be ordered around!

Some people are addicted to pain. In the BDSM world, they are often called "pain sluts." A masochist is the technical term. These people may enjoy playing the bottom in a BDSM scene because they enjoy the catharsis of pain. It triggers endorphins and a "high" floods the body. Pain and pleasure are so closely interconnected that they can easily be confused, and pain can heighten pleasure and vice-versa. Pain sluts may also enjoy control in BDSM play, but they don't have to; they are there for the thrill of the pain. You can tell these people because in a sex store, they are the ones looking longingly at the whips, needles, canes, paddles, and floggers.

Some subs, however, are completely against any physical pain but love to be controlled. Physically or emotionally, they want to be overpowered by a strong Dom or Mistress. They crave letting go and letting someone else take the wheel. These people are often into what we call humiliation play, rape play, child play, animal play, or dirty talk. You can spot these people at BDSM events because, while the pain sluts are already tied to a St. Andrew's cross and screaming happily as a top beats them, the "control" subs are probably holding their Mommy's hand, sitting obediently next to their Trainer with a collar and leash, or quietly serving their Domme another beverage.

Let's think of BDSM as a spectrum. On the far side are activities to do with pain. These include flogging, cutting, whipping, needle play, hot wax, pinching, biting, genital torture, hitting, punching, ball-stomping (yes, it's what it sounds like), and other things that require pain but not necessarily control. On the far other side of the spectrum are BDSM scenes that require lots of verbal, emotional, and physical control but no pain: these can include Parent/child scenes, dirty talk, humiliation, bondage, or being caged. And then of course there are the activities that fall somewhere wonderfully in between the two, such as rape scenes, animal play, branding, and spanking.

It goes without saying that to heighten an experience for a sub, you want to know what turns this particular sub on. Say you want to do a rape scene. If your sub simply adores control but isn't so much into pain, your scene will probably include lots of dirty talk, physically controlling her body, humiliating her, or tying her up. If your sub leans more to the pain side of things, you may focus more on fucking her hard, hitting and punching her, whipping her, and being sure to leave lots of lovely bruises.

Most scenes in BDSM can incorporate both elements; this is fortunate since many subs enjoy both elements. For example, I don't like pain for pain's sake, but I do enjoy being hurt if it makes me feel more controlled. It all depends on how my Dom approaches the pain.

If you are a sub wondering which side of the spectrum you fall on, or a Dom who is unsure what your sub likes, take a look at the following list and see which numbers seem hottest or most appealing to you:

1. Your Dom ties you up, then fucks you hard, pinching your nipples and spanking your ass.
2. Your Dom ties you up, then slowly inserts a vibrator and makes fun of you as you try not to come.
3. Your Dom has you lay down on the bed, then paddles you as hard as he can. In between spanks, he pulls your hair and slaps your thighs.
4. Your Dom has you lay down on the bed and tells you sternly you've been a bad girl. As a punishment, he paddles you hard and forces you to say "Thank you, sir," after each one until he thinks you've learned your lesson.
5. Chili sauce is wiped on your anus and genitals and your Dom enjoys watching you squirm and scream.
6. You are chained like a puppy and humiliated, forced to pee on the carpet, and eat mushy food from a dog bowl while your Dom watches.
7. Your Dom figs you before spanking.
8. Your Dom plays Daddy and watches you carefully color a painting, insisiting you get the paint perfectly between the lines before he lets you play or receive an orgasm.

If you think the odd numbers sounded hotter, you are probably more of a pain slut. If the even numbers made you most wet or hard, you enjoy mental and emotional control.

Of course, control can be used to inflict pain, and pain can be used to exercise control. Many of these activities can be tailored to exactly fit a sub's desires (or to exactly be the opposite, if your bad little horsie needs to be punished!). The better you know yourself and your partner, the more fun you will have. Go forth and torture. Enjoy!

Treating Your Sub Like a Whore

One of the most fun things about being a sub is getting to be treated like the nasty, dirty little whore I am! We subs are usually one of two things: sex kittens in disguise, or sex kittens. We all have that dirty, nasty, horny little whore in us; we are either open about it or not. Much of the fun of being a submissive is that we get to play the victim while our evil Doms beat and fuck us unwillingly. When the sub is a whore, everyone wins!

This post discusses how to deliciously humiliate and torture your beloved sub by making her feel like an actual whore.

What does a real prostitute do? She sells her sexual services in exchange for something she wants--money, food, clothes, weath, attention, you name it. How do you make your sub feel and act like a whore? You make her one! That's right, make her your personal whore. No, I'm not suggesting you rent your sub out to your friends at an hourly rate, but simply that you force her to act like a prostitute... by making her trade sexual favors and control over her own body in exchange for food, money, housing, attention, sex, and anything else she might want!

The possibilities for this are endless. Read below for some inspirational tips!

Money. If you are in charge of the cash flow--or even some of it--you have a way to control your sub. Make her perform sex acts (that you dictate) to earn money. Does she need money for gas or to pay the rent? Do you control your finances? Money is something she can't go without, so withold it til she earns it. If she wants money for a nice dinner out, "charge" her a blow job. If she needs her allowance for the month, you can go all-out with a several-hour sex session. The point here is to treat her like a whore, not a lover. You make the calls, you make the demands, and she receives no pleasure. She serves you, and you don't care if she likes it or hates it or if it hurts her---you are a total asshole. She services you, and you pay her. Climb out of bed, throw the money on the bed, and walk out to finish the game.

Material Possessions. Just like with money, he who has is in control and she who wants is not. Instead of paying her with money, pay your whore with things. Those things can include items she needs (food, toiletries, tampons...) or things she wants (new clothes, candy, theatre tickets...). Does she express interest in something (those new shoes at the mall)? Great. Name your price and set your demands. Remember, she can choose to say yes or no. If you tell her she can have the shoes for an anal fuck, and she decides she'd rather go without the shoes, no problem. Don't pressure her, and just set another price the next time she wants something. Just don't give in and get her the shoes without getting "paid" for it. And remember, if she is the whore, you are the one setting prices and making demands. She can't lower your price or whine her way out of it. She either pays your price, or she chooses not to, but those are her only two choices.

Activities. Make your sub pay you in sexual favors for activities she wants to do (or you to do). She wants you both to go to the park? Tell her okay, but you want a hand job first. She wants you to take out the trash? Sure--if she flashes you before you go. Making her perform sexual services for you in exchange for favorite activities is sure to make your sub feel humiliated and, let's face it, a little whorish.

Sex. Ahhh, this one is evil! So your horny slut wants some, does she? Make her be your personal prostitute first. Bargain with her: she can have sex if she jacks you off first, or you'll finger her if she takes it up the ass beforehand. Whatever you want, you get! Before you give, you get--that's the rule.

Basically, this can apply to anything your sub wants or needs! If she wants something, see what she will do to get it. At first, your sub may fight being treated like a common prostitute and stubbornly just do without to avoid giving in. That's fine; you have all the time in the world! Let her say no with no complaints from you, but the next time she wants something, name your price again. Eventually, she will want something badly enough that she'll obey your commands and trade her services for your favors. As time goes on, and she gets more and more used to being your personal whore, your sub will become accustomed to servicing you sexually to get the things she wants, and you will have your very own whore in the bedroom. Enjoy.

Examples of M/s and D/s Contracts

Many BDSMers in M/s (Master/slave) and D/s (Dominant/slave) relationships have contracts or rules. These can be rules the couple agrees on together or rules a Master has that he gives to potential slaves; the slave decides if she wants to be bound to this Master and these rules and makes her decision. Of course, contracts for slaves are often more stringent and strict than for submissives, who keep some control over their own lives and often choose in which areas they will submit.

Below are two examples of rules. The first, Rules for Submissives, was a list of rules created and agreed upon by a D/s couple. Both parties agree to follow these rules and change or add more as the future requires it. The second, Rules for Slaves, is a list of rules by a Master. He provides this list for potential slaves, and, if they agree to them, they are accepted into his servitude and protection. Please note that in the M/s version of rules, the slave's name and use of "i" are always lowercase. This is a common method used in some M/s and D/s relationships to mirror the submission of the sub or slave.

Rules for Submissives (D/s relationship)

1. Wait for Master to open all doors and car doors (getting out and getting in). Exceptions are okay with sets of two doors when there are people behind me waiting; I can open the door for them or step aside and wait.

2. Don't walk ahead of him in public (outside), walk beside him or slightly behind if necessary.
Inside buildings, I go first and he will put his hand on the small of my back to guide me.

3. At restaurants, Master will order for both of us. *exceptions: when my family is around.

4. The sub is not permitted to be alone at home with non-related males. In public, she has to check in with Master every hour, with phone contact before and after. Master has final say in which people she can spend time with. She can ask Master's permission for exceptions in specific cases. This rule applies to Master as well.

5. In public, the word "Now" signifies Master wants to begin a scene. In this case, the sub must obey and begin scene. Once every 6 months, she may opt not to participate in a public scene; she will indicate this by saying, "Veto." Master will accept this without punishment or anger.

6. When guests are over and a scene is ongoing, if Master asks her to serve the guests (barring sexual acts), the sub must obey within 3 seconds.

7. Every other day, the sub must journal her feelings, thoughts, fantasies, and concerns on her private blog for Master; he will not judge or punish her for her blogs. Every week, the sub must upload a poem, erotica, or porn photo/video she has made for Master.

8. Say please and thank you during punishments, for commands, and requests.

9. Safe words can be used by either party. For the sub, "I can't" is to be used literally; all other declinations will be ignored. It is Master's responsibility to check in periodically with the sub and ask her if she is all right or to rate her pain level on 1-10.

10. Master and the sub will both participate in aftercare every time. Master will attend to the sub's needs by any means necessary or available (blankets, treats, water, etc.).

11. The sub must ask permission to move, change positions, leave, or use the restroom.

12. When Master makes a request, the sub must obey promptly (within 3 seconds) or she will be punished.

13. No whining or sulking. The sub gets one warning per session and three seconds to fix it. These are punishable offenses.

14. The sub must ask permission before touching Master with her hands or mouth. She must say thank you after permission has been granted and before touching Master.

15. The sub can speak at any time, but she may be punished for what she says.

16. The sub may address Master, but she must keep her eyes lowered submissively.

17. To receive instructions or lectures, the sub will kneel on the floor with her ankles crossed, hands folded on her lap, and head lowered, without figeting; she will not move until Master commands her to get up.

18. Punishments will be administered immediately (within 60 seconds) at home, and immediately after returning home when in public.

19. When punishment is necessary, Master will devise a punishment. If the sub believes a punishment is too much, she has the right to request 2 choices and she may choose the one she prefers.

Rules for Slaves (M/s relationship)

taken from Best Slave Training

1) i submit to the will of my Master and i’m bound to Him. i accept His authority over me for my purpose is to serve, obey and please my Master. i will be managed, disciplined and controlled in a manner beneficial to my training and long-term service and inclusion in his household as a slave.

2) i accept that part of training is the actual physical control of my behavior. i will have no privacy from my Master.

3) Communication with my Master is one of the most important aspects of my development as a slave. a) i am responsible for answering each and every e-mail sent to me by my Master and when not in His presence, i will send Him at least one e-mail or contact Him each and every day. b) i must be both specific and explicit in my speech. i will give complete and accurate answers to each and every question that my Master asks of me. i am allowed no secrets from my Master. i will work hard to welcome this openness of body, mind and soul.

4) To receive pleasure i must earn it. i must always give thanks to my Master for all i am given immediately after receiving it, for such things are gifts or privileges granted to me by Him. This also includes any punishment and discipline that i may receive so that I may grow in bondage and serve him better.5) i will not hesitate in my obedience to my Master and will respond quickly to all orders given.

6) I willingly discuss any issues I have with my Master that limits by trust. my goal is to trust my Master and know His concern for my total safety that includes my emotional, psychological, social, sexual, and physical health.

7) i will work hard to give my Master control and turn my will over to Him. i know this is my duty as His slave and i desire to serve and please Him by doing so.


8) i am always in submission to my Master whether He is present or not, ready to please Him at any time, in any place, under any circumstances, regardless of who may be present. His pleasure is more important than my discomfort.

9) When i am not in the presence of my Master and i have choices to make - i will perform them to the best of my abilities and within the boundaries and guidance He has established for me. If someone speaks ill of my Master, i will defend Him and report this to my Master immediately.

10) The opportunity to please my Master is very important to me. i will seek out opportunities to do so. my greatest felt satisfaction is realized when i know i have pleased my Master. There can be no greater pain or suffering i can feel than when my Master is not pleased with me. i will accept the guidance i will need to be put back on track so that i will be forgiven and once again be pleasing to Him.


11) i will learn all the positions my Master wants to teach me to the best of my abilities and when display myself to him using them . i know that by using the slave positions i am enabling by Master to better manage and use his slave.

12) my entire sexual being now belongs to my Master. my Master is in complete charge of my sexual desires and i wish that He mold them in a way that is most pleasing to Him. i am a sexual and sensual being and my entire body is to be available for my Master’s use at all times. It is my Master’s choice as to how my sexual being will be used to please him.
a) i must never reach orgasm without explicit permission from my Master. My failure to receive permission before cumming will cause me to endure the punishment Master will put upon me. Such pleasure must be seen as a privilege so that i do not take advantage of it.
b) i will never touch my breasts, nipples, pussy or clit with my hands or sex toys in any manner where i could experience sexual or sensual pleasure without permission from my Master. i fully acknowledge that i no longer have ownership of my sexual being.

13) The safeword given to me by my Master can be spoken at any time - even When i have been told to be silent. If i am not able to verbalize it – i trust my Master will show me how i can express it. Safewords are for my protection as well as His.

14) i shall never think of myself as a weak person for it takes a strong female to commit to the drive inside me, to serve, to obey and to please a Master.

15) i know that other than any hard limits and safeword that he grants this slave, i can make no demands or place limits on my Master's authority. i can give Him no orders. i don’t control his time or who he chooses to give his attention too. i know that attempts, by me, to limit His power, control or status as a Master would lead to me being punished.

16) my health is important to my Master. i will eat properly. i want to be healthy and of sound mind and body, free as possible of any personal limitations, when pleasing my Master. i can not refuse my Master's decision that i seek medical attention, if so ordered. If placed on a diet by my Master, i will obey His decisions as to my method of weight loss and make routine reports to Him as to my progress. After losing the weight my Master requires, i will maintain the weight that pleases Him.
17) i will not date others or form a relationship with others without permission from my Master. i will not communicate with other Masters without my Master's permission. This includes in person, telephone, instant messaging or e-mail. i will report all contact directly and quickly to my Master. My Master makes the decision as to what types of contact i am allowed to have with other Masters. My Master can deny, grant or terminate any communication i have with others when he wishes.
18) Punishment Rules: i know my Master has the right to discipline or punish me any time He wishes for any violation. i will submit to any discipline or punishment my Master sees fit. i know that i will be punished or disciplined for violations of the rule, both written and oral, in order to correct my behavior and to insure He find me pleasing. The punishment will fit the violation that i have committed. my Master shall determine how and when and where i am to receive this punishment.i have the right to plead for a lesser punishment, but my Master is under no obligation to grant a reduced punishment.

19) i worship my Master. i worship my Master's whip, respect my Master's right to use it for His pleasure and my punishment.

20) my mouth is for my Masters pleasure. i will learn that:
a) my mouth will be used as my Master wishes for His pleasure. b) i will work hard to provide complete pleasure with my mouth. When my Masters dick is put into my mouth and i am directed to suck it - i will do so as long as i am required to do so. When told to, my hands shall be placed on the tops of my thighs, behind my neck or held at the base of my back so that during the sucking i can use my whole body to display my hunger to my Master. i will not restrict my Master's view of me. c) i worship my Master's dick, its head and its shaft, especially when it is hard or when i am given the opportunity to make it hard for Him d) my Master's cum must never go to waste - i will swallow His cum as it is a gift an honor to receive it.

21) i must always wear revealing and sexy clothing of good taste around my Master unless given permission to do otherwise. The clothing i wear will allow easy access to my pussy, ass and breasts. my basic attire in the presence of my Master shall always include a collar given to me by my Master. i must never be concerned when i feel too much of my flesh is showing, however i can ask my Master for permission as to how to handle my discomfort. In public, i am to wear a dress or skirt without panties around my Master. i must remove all of my clothing in the way i have been taught when my Master commands of me to do so.

22) i must sleep in the nude and wear the collar provided by my Master.

Chastity Belts + Lock = Evil Fun!

Chastity belts--available online and in kink/bondage stores--are just another way evil Doms can have kinky fun with their hapless subs! Chastity belts (built on the old-fashioned idea of chastity but made with newer and better technology!) come anywhere from $19-350, are available for both men and women, can be locked or not, and can be used for control play for one short scene or for months at a time.

Intrigued? Read on.

If you want to play with chastity, there are some benefits. The first and main one is control. This is just another way for the Dom to control the sub--sort of like bondage for the genitals! Teasing and torturing goes that much farther when the sub can't reach his or her genitals! Chastity is also a great idea for long-distance relationships or even when one of you is away for the weekend; this way you KNOW he isn't playing with himself when you're not around! You and only you have control over when and how your sub receives sexual pleasure.

Have a new chastity belt but not sure how to incorporate it into your play? Here is a new Scene Idea to tickle your fancy:

Lock your sub up in a chastity belt with a key. Keep the key in a safe, locked in your car, or somewhere else locked with a key. Set a certain amount of time, like a month (more or less, if you like) that your sub must wear the chastity belt. Every month, play this devious little game with your sub (we'll pretend he's male, but of course this will work with either sex!):

Lock him in his chastity cage and tell him he can try once for his freedom every month (or whatever). Be sure to tease him lots in between so his sexual arousal is high! When the time has come for him to try his monthly bid at genital freedom, give him this task to complete:

• Handcuff his ankles together. Handcuff his wrists and lock them to his collar. This way, he can only crawl on his elbows and knees.
• Tell him where you have hidden three keys: the first for his ankle cuffs, the second for his wrists, and the third to the safe or wherever you've locked the key to his chastity cage.
• Freeze the keys in a block of ice or other liquid.
• Set the three keys in a place where he will have to strain to get them, but it's possible. For example, put the first one in a doggie dish on the main floor. Put the second one up or down stairs (so he has to get his ankle cuffs removed before he can get there).
• Set a timer and tell him to go. Watch him scramble to get the keys and unmelt them in time!
• If he gets all three keys before the timer goes off, he has won and can use the final key to unlock his chastity cage. If he does not, he can try again next month.

Helpful tips:

• if you have a safe with a locked timer, that's even better. Set the safe to lock in 6 minutes and let him scramble to get there before the safe locks itself.
• freeze the key into something other than water: you can make frozen ice from soda, Koolaid, fruit juices, or even cum.
• for a fun twist, don't freeze the keys in anything, but don't tell him where you've hidden them. Enjoy watching him crawl frantically around the house.
• Hold the last key yourself, and rather than having it frozen so he has to melt it, make the last "task" that he must bring you to orgasm before he receives the key. Adjust the timer accordingly so he has a sporting chance.
• Be fair with the amount of time you give him and how possible it is to find and unmelt the keys: it should be difficult, but not impossible, for him to succeed.
• for long-term forced chastity, be sure to get a chastity cage that allows for good hygiene and easy washing through the cage.