I don't believe this is the way sex has to be. I don't even believe it is the way sex was meant to be. I may be a minority here, but if the Bible is any guide to history, minorities are often in the right. Just look at Lot in Sodom, Joseph and Nicodemus among the Jewish leaders who crucified Jesus, the three men in the book of Daniel who stay strong and are thrown into a furnace, and even Jesus himself. In short, popular wisdom is not always correct.
Most sex manuals today will say that masturbation and porn are a normal part of a healthy sex life. I say they're not. I say the most vibrant, healthy, lovemaking, spiritual, toe-curling, loving, bonding, sexually satisfying relationships are those enjoyed by two married, faithful people who only look to each for satisfaction.
Here is my response to the "convential wisdom" that says Christian BDSMers need to look at porn.
- Men are biologically hardwired to need more sex than women.
My answer: While most studies claim men have a higher sex drive, there are a few studies who insist this isn't true at all, but only a myth society has convinced both men and women. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthromorphist, says, "Both sexes have a high sex drive, but they express it differently" (source). WebMD says that while men do have a higher libido than women, this is because women's sex drives are more complex and also more affected by cultural factors (source). Also, sex drive varies by age. Men reach their sexual peak at a younger age, normally 18-22, and it starts to decline about the time they hit 35-40. Ironically, many women hit their sexual peak at 35-40 (source). So while a married couple in their late 20s may find the man biologicaly craves more sex, the same couple is going to find the woman has a higher sex drive when they are in their 40s. - Men need the visual stimulation of porn.
My answer: Yes, men in general tend to be more visual, but this doesn't mean they need porn. I know many men, Christian and not, who abstain from both porn and masturbation and have happy, fulfilling sex lives. And if they need visuals, their wife is their own visual treat: undressing, dressing, showering, sunbathing, sleeping, or dressing up in a nice evening gown. If this doesn't do it, married couples can make their own sexy collection, just starring them and made for an audience of them! Cameras, webcams, and video cameras can be the start of some wonderful visual sexiness just for the two spouses to share, without ever looking at strange porn stars in mass-produced photos or films. - Porn isn't a sin because it isn't mentioned as one in the Bible.
My answer: Lots of things aren't mentioned in the Bible because they were not an issue at the time, or not an issue God chose to address, but that doesn't make them okay. The Bible is a set of stories and guidelines for Christians, not an exhaustive list of every single thing we should and shouldn't do. In cases such as pornography, polygamy, abortion, BDSM, and birth control, where the Bible does not specifically mention them by name or give guidance, a Christian must lean on the teachings of the Church, tradition, prayer, and an understanding of related Biblical principles.
While the word "pornography" is not found in the Bible, the word "sexual immorality" is! The Bible is clear on guidelines toward sex. We are to enjoy sex only within marriage, for Hebrews 13:4 says "Let the marriage bed be undefiled." Proverbs 5:17-26 has a beautiful verse on the joys of married sex, and warns "Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you." In Matthew 5:27-30, Jesus makes it clear that even to look lustfully at a woman is the same as adultery. Not only the action, but also the thought, is the sin. If looking at and thinking about someone other than your spouse in a sexual manner is adultery, then porn is adultery. Fantasizing about Angelina Jolie or your ex-boyfriend is adultery. And adultery is a sin worthy of death (Leviticus 20:10).
For more information on the God's Word as it pertains to sex, adultery, and porn, see here. - Porn is okay as long as it doesn't lead you into sin, such as an addiction or unhealthy, sinful desires.
My answer: This is one I see used by many Christians. The sad truth is, it doesn't matter if you feel it is "okay" as long as it doesn't lead you into sin. Many Christians using porn tell me porn is an area to be careful in, because it can lead to fantasies, addiction, sinful desires, lust, and others, but isn't necessarily bad as long as they're careful. In my opinion, this is not Biblical. God never says to flirt with sin is okay as long as we don't get too into it. He never says to go ahead and have fun as long as we don't take it "too far." 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to "flee sexual immorality." Not walk, not run, not flirt with it, not dabble in it until it's too far, to flee. Besides, are you setting a good example by looking at porn? Leading a godly lifestyle? Keeping the gift of sex sacred to you and your spouse? Spending your money on godly pursuits that will benefit the Kingdom? Nope.
To take it a step farther, I charge that those who say porn has the potential to be a sin are fooling themselves. I believe porn is a sin. If looking at another person lustfully is a sin, then porn counts. There is no way around it. Some people may say they feel okay when they and their spouse watch porn together, to help their sex life, or that they don't feel it causes them a temptation and so it is not a sin. Others say they don't have a problem with it and don't feel guilty. But our own feelings about the morality of porn are not important; God commands us to flee sexuality outside of marriage and to avoid looking lustfully at anyone but our spouse. This leaves no room for porn in a Christian's life. - Porn isn't cheating because a spouse is not actually having sex with someone else.
My answer: I'll go back to Matthew 5:27-30. Contrary to human rationale, looking at pornography is cheating. Jesus states quite clearly that lustful glances and thoughts are just another form of adultery. In a marriage, the husband and wife have promised to love each to the exclusion of all others. They promise to remain faithful body, heart, mind, and soul. God upholds the sacredness of marriage by insisting spouses reserve their sexuality solely for each other. A spouse who looks at pornographic pictures or films may not be cheating with her body, but she is certainly cheating with her mind.
What is the Bible's answer for this? The passage continues by telling believers whether their eyes or hands are causing the sexual sin (i.e. whether it's something you're viewing or something you're touching physically), to get rid of the problem. Are you attracted to a friend? Only be around that person in public places. Are you aroused by pictures of women in bathing suits? Don't look at those sites. Are you addicted to porn? Set parental controls on your computer and tv and throw away the code.
Please don't misunderstand me. All people sin and fall short of the glory of God. Looking at porn does not mean God hates you or you are a terrible person. It does mean that you are sinning and you need to get right with God. This simply required repentance and change.
If you have tried to stop looking at porn and cannot, click here for help with a porn addiction.
If you have a spouse or loved one who has a problem with pornography, click here for support.
Sex can be joyous and sacred, hot and dirty, and still Godly, without pornography. As always, good luck and God bless!
For more resources on pornography addiction, support to help rid your life of porn, and testimonies from loved ones whose marriages have been torn apart by pornography, see the links below:
Software that finds and deletes porn on your computer
Message boards and support for porn overuse
Dateline info on sexual compulsions
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