My Submission Flows from His Dominance

Lil over at Submissive Sanctuary wrote a post on how D/s connects with love. While I like that topic, the part of her post that resonated with me was actually about how her style of submission often follows a display of dominance by her Alpha, rather than the reverse.

Here's what Lil wrote:

Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance. Being picky with submission doesn't work.
That's not what it's about. If He was how I wanted Him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all.

My Dom has sometimes complained that I treat TTWD as a fix. I've admitted before that subspace feels a lot like being high. It's a great feeling! Who wouldn't want to re-create it? In subspace, I feel more submissive, I feel more loving toward my Dom, he looks manlier and hotter to me, I respect him more, and we have great, mind-blowing sex. And I mean actually mentally mind-blowing, the kind that is not just physically feels good but deeply mental and therefore much, much more meaningful and sexual to me. So yes, of course I am like an addict chasing that high. And when I don't get it, I can get grumpy. I complain and nag. I blame him for "not dominating me enough."

At least, I used to do those things. I flatter myself that over the last couple of months I've realized this bad behavior of mine and come a long way toward fixing it. I've started submitting to him not just when I feel like it, but because it's the biblical thing to do or because he wants it. I've stopped nagging and complaining and try to verbalize my complaints in a more positive, less derogatory way. All those blogs I read on submission are not completely lost on me; I've learned from them. :)

Am I completely cured of my nagginess? No. But I have improved a lot.

Like Lil, my Dom has commented before that sometimes I want D/s the way I picture it, when I want it, and how I want it.

This is true on some level and not on another. Let me explain.

Yes, I want D/s the way I want it. Like an addict chasing her next high, I adore that feeling of subbiness that he can make me feel when he gives me rules and structure, when he is stern with me, or when he makes me follow a rule even when I complain and protest. I think it's unbearably sexy when he overpowers me, not necessarily physically but mentally and emotionally. I'm very stubborn, and when he can prove that he's more stubborn than me and his word is law, I respond by becoming more maleable and submissive. The problem is that this is my idea of submission and Dominance. His idea is a lot less based on rules and coercion and displays of strength. His style of leadership is, in his words, to "empower" others. (I'm not always sure what he means.) I think he would prefer to point me in the direction I should go, and just have me go there. To me, that is not really D/s, but I understand it's a valid but just different idea of D/s than mine.

But no, I don't always want D/s just the way I insist on it being. I find it very sexy when he does what he wants with me, if I'm in the right mood. If I'm not in the right mood, unwanted sexual advances make me feel panicky and withdrawn, and unwanted directives and command make me feel petulant and fiesty. But in the right mood, I love him having his way with me. It's sexy to be used by him for his pleasure, whether it's making him dinner or doing a chore he set up for me or letting him have his way with me.

That can be difficult for him and for me because it's hard for me to tell him which mood I'm in and it's hard for him to guess. For one, sometimes I don't always know. Sometimes I want both at once; part of me wants him to boss me around, punish me, and overpower me, and part of me yells at him that he's a jerk and he's unfair and who does he think he is, anyway? It's confusing for me, let alone him. And sometimes I do know exactly what I want but it ruins it to tell him. "Hey, could you please pretend to get mad at me for breaking this rule, and give me a long lecture, then force me over your knee and spank me and tell me what a bad girl I've been?" Nooooot sexy. I can't say, "Hey, please overpower me and force me" because then he isn't forcing me, he's doing what I want. I can't say, "Be really strict with me and punish me" because then the punishment and the strictness aren't real. I'm not interested in playing sexual "games" where he's the principal and I'm the school girl. I don't want to play games at all. I want it to be real, which means the dominance must come from him and it cannot be because I've requested it and said exactly how I want him to be. I want him to dominate me completely on his own, because he wants to use me or punish me, not because he is pretending to want to in order to make me happy.

Sometimes I test or struggle against him precisely because I want to know, Is this real? I'm not trying to create drama or conflict; I'm worried that I'll actually get what I want and before I trust it and get all happy and rejoice that he's the man I always wanted him to be, I want to make sure it's real. Is he doing this because he wants to or because he's just playing along to make me happy? And even if he wants to, is this just a fun, kinky game he's playing lightly to enjoy every few months, or does he want to increase our level of D/s to be more controlled and more strict all the time? These are things I need to know before I feel it's "safe" to let go and surrender completely.

Why I am afraid to surrender completely? Because I'm afraid of who I am when I'm that submissive. I do and say things totally unlike myself. I feel out of control, I feel high, I feel emotionally vulnerable, I feel completely his. I love that feeling, but before I give in to it I want to make sure that he is ready for that commitment, that he wants it, that he will still want it in 4 days and 5 weeks and 5 months, that he is prepared to do the work and put forth the effort to be in charge of a headstrong and fiery woman for good.

And often, it seems he starts out well, but then he gets busy at work or something... and it falls away. And he gets less consistent and less bossy and less controlling and less sexual. And then I'm left feeling hurt and vulnerable that I let myself open up to that scary part of myself, and I trusted him to control me forever, and he just used it as a short-term hobby until his life got too busy and then he went back to being more vanilla and wanting me to take care of myself.

It scares me.

And also it makes me angry and resentful because I don't get my "fix."

This is why, like Lil said in her post, I want his Dominance to come first and to inspire my submission.... not the other way around.

Do I realize he can't always be in charge of the D/s? Yes. That I have to put in work, too? That sometimes I have to give in even when I don't want to? That my submission can't always just be a reflection of his dominance? Yes.

But I wish it could.