A Safeworded Scene is Sometimes the Best

Safewords are so common in BDSM, you'll hear about them all the time. These can be used by the sub or the Dom at any time to stop or pause a scene when something goes wrong or when one of them can't take any more.

A lot of people are willing to safeword if they need to, but then they think the scene is "ruined." This isn't true, since I know people who will safeword, pause the scene, and then just go right back into it once they have fixed whatever was the problem. But sometimes a safeword means a scene needs to stop RIGHT THEN.

Well, I had to do an emergency safeword the other night, and I've been thinking about this. I actually believe our scene was somehow better than other times when I haven't safeworded.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't having fun at the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have had to call our safeword (or safe phrase, in our case). I needed him to stop, and I needed him to stop right then. But terrible as it was at the time, I realized later that I'd gotten what I'd needed out of the scene. I'd been terrified, angry, frightened, and broken. My Dom didn't know that yet, and I had taken all I could take, so I called it quits and he immediately started taking care of me---in fact, he felt awful. But I tried to explain to him later (when I could talk!) that I'd rather have a scene be so overwhelming and complete that I have to immediately safeword out of it, than have a scene where my limits aren't stretched and everything goes smoothly and safely but at the end, I feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

Let me describe what happened.

Making me cry is a very hard thing to do. First, I'm a woman, and second, I'm a redhead. Both these contribute to me having a high pain tolerance. But mostly, as an individual I just have an incredibly high pain tolerance and immense self control. I was emotionally abused as a teenager, and that has kept me from being able to express my emotions healthily as an adult. I can keep myself from crying, to the point where I can't cry even when I want to.

So sometimes in a scene, my goal is for him to break me to the point where I can cry. For some reason I can't get myself there alone. I can't cry. When I try, the tears don't come. Even when he hits me or yells at me, I'll often get close to tears, but no tears will come. It's very frustrating, because BDSM is all about me wanting to get that release that I can't otherwise have. It's about wanting him to have that control and closeness to me that I otherwise don't know how to give him.

We discussed things that actually scare me, and one of them is being slapped repeatedly in the face. Don't get me wrong, I love being slapped a few times; it even makes me come harder. But the only person who has beaten me repeatedly in the face is my mother, so it's natural that those repeated slaps across the face, with no chance to defend myself or have a break to pull myself together again, take me right back to that victimization of my childhood. Sure, it's a terrible feeling, but in the end it is the only way to break me down.

Well, my Dom went at it a lot harder than he had before. I am used to a few slaps, then a break, but he just kept hitting me and hitting me. After a while, I got absolutely pissed. I am not used to feeling such intense anger, and I would have beaten the crap out of him, except he had me pinned down! I wasn't playing anymore, I was FURIOUS. Then he started slapping me again. It wasn't fun, sexy slapping, either; this was a harsh beating on both sides of my face. I started to whimper and fight him in earnest. He was beating the crap out of me, I was screaming for him to stop, I was starting to cry, and the whole time he just kept coming and slapping and hitting me without a pause or a break. He kept screaming, "Break, damn you! Break!" I started to cry and fight him in earnest, but he was too big for me. The pain in my face was becoming unbearable. I tried to safeword, but I couldn't breathe. I started screaming for him to stop. Finally, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, I choked out, "I c----!" and started wailing.

That was all I got out, but it was close enough to our safeword ("I can't") that all hitting stopped immediately. He gathered me into his arms, held me, and I laid there and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

He told me later that he felt terrible, that he had been trying to watch to see when I started to cry, but that he hadn't felt or seen it and thought he should keep going. He was worried I was angry with him, but why would I be? He had done everything exactly as we'd discussed: he'd made me hit my limits, and once I safeworded he had stopped immediately. It wasn't his fault if the scene had gotten too intense, too fast.

I cried myself out for a good long while while he held me. My face ached, and once I was all cried out he went to get me some water and some ice for my face. My cheeks were a lovely rosy color, but the right side of my face was swelled up and I was seriously afraid I would have a black eye (I didn't). My face was aching and so my Dom tucked me into bed and held the ice to my face. I fell into a deep sleep that lasted for 12 hours, completely released and cried out.

Later, we discussed the whole thing. He said he'd felt top drop for the first time, seeing me cry like that after what he'd done to me. He felt terrible that I'd had to use my safeword. I tried to explain to him that is what safewords are for! Yes, the scene got too much for me and we had to stop, but in the end that meant I was 100% worn out and had gotten to cry out all my negative emotions. I felt much more calm and at peace after I'd calmed down than I would have if we'd done a lighter scene that didn't cause me any emotional reaction at all.

For me, the scene was both bad and good. Like so many BDSM scenes are for me as a sub, the scene itself was bad---I was being hurt, I was in physical and emotional pain, and I left it bruised and drained. But the thing I love about BDSM is that it lets me use those negative emotions and turn them in to a positive experience! As soon as I'd cried myself out and my Dom had turned back into the nice, loving man I know and not the maniacal monster who was hitting me, I felt so much better and at peace. I'd finally managed to cry, and it was a total catharsis. I'd found an outlet for my negative emotions, and I felt closer to my Dom, sleepy, safe, and exhausted. I slept hard and well. The next day, my face looked fine and was only slightly sore, and I felt more in love and happy than I'd felt in days. All my worries and anxieties had been melted away!

So yes, at the time it was scary. But the scene achieved its goal. And it has taught me: a safeworded scene is sometimes the best!

Computer Cords for Bondage

My Dom and I have been playing with bondage a lot. While he likes to use his hands to hold me down, I adore the feeling of being bound. The more the better! For me, being tied up, handcuffed, hogtied, gagged, or whatever means that I am relieved of the responsibility to "fight" him and I can just lie there, passive and still, waiting for the next blow.

We use our bondage rope, which is wonderful. Bondage rope is cheap (about 6 bucks online) and made specifically to not chafe against soft skin. It is great for those times you want to writhe and pull but not have ropeburn from it later.

But two nights ago my Dom discovered computer cords. This was because the bondage rope was in another room and he needed a quick way to tie up my feet.

He'd already bound my hands with the soft leather handcuffs we own. Since he wanted to spank me some, he also needed to bind my ankles so I could not throw my feet up and over my bottom (a favorite trick of mine when the pain gets too bad). Hurrying to find something to tie me with, he grabbed some computer cords and quickly bound my feet.

You'd think it wouldn't work, but it did. Not only did the cords hold firmly against my struggles, but they hurt! I quickly learned not to pull too hard against them or the cords bit into my ankles.

My Dom hogtied me in a horrible position. Either my legs or my arms were pulled too tightly, which I think is exactly what he wanted. I wasn't exactly in pain, but I wasn't comfortable, either! Then he stuck a vibrator between my legs and watched my poor, bound body arch and shudder with impending orgasms. It was delicious. For me, it was even better, because every time I came, my arching caused pain from the cords around my ankles, heightening and intensifying the orgasm. You want to come? Then hurt.

And come I did. Again, and again, and again. Begging him to hit me, moaning like a whore, and begging him to call me names. And he did. He called me names that made me moan gutterally with pleasure and hit my face harder than ever before. Because my pain tolerance was shooting through the roof, the blows didn't hurt, but only stang with a wonderful sense of ownership. I writhed and arched and hurt and came and moaned and hurt and came again.

Through it all, the computer cords held firm.

I definitely recommend it.

Punching Fetish

I've just heard about a new fetish that honestly cracks me up: punching fetish. While of course I don't have any statistics about the prevalancy of this fetish, a cursory browse through Fetlife and Google suggests that, while it definitely exists, there are not huge numbers of BDSMers practicing it. Still, I thought it was interesting and worth pursuing here!

Any sort of hitting can be incorporated into BDSM. From what I've heard, probably the most common type is slapping. I've even had a few "vanilla" boys give me a light face slap during making out to turn me on (or turn them on?). My current Dom, back before I had even an inkling this sweet Christian man would turn out to be a dom, surprised both of us in our dating relationship by hauling back and slapping me across the face once while we were making out; he says he has never forgotten my subsequent expression. :)

If you are into hitting, slapping of course is the safest way to go. Many men don't like the idea of punching a woman, afraid they will do serious damage to her face or body, even if they are comfortable giving her an open-palm slap. This is because slaps sting, but rarely do much tissue damage. A punch can break skin, bruise, blacken eyes, break noses, and shatter cheekbones.

The next type of hit you might want to try is the back-handed slap. I've had this done to me, too, and it hurts more than a slap but not so much as to be unbearable. Also, there is something just so deliciously degrading about a man backhanding a woman--like she is his slave or his dog! Yum.

If you are worried about getting into a full-on face punch, let me remind you: your punch will only be as hard as you make it. From what I've read, men who punch their partners are careful to act angry and out of control while actually taking care to measure the strength behind their punch. They often aim carefully for the more solid parts of the face (cheek) than for areas that will break or blacken (jaw, nose, eyes) and stop the punch "on impact" rather than following through like they would if they were fighting an enemy for real. Of course, if you try this, aim carefully! The benefit of a punch is it will deliver a much more solid, thudd-y type of pain than a slap or backhand. Of course, it also has shock value!

Another sneaky trick is to punch as hard as you can, near her head, so she thinks you are actually going to punch her. A full-on punch to the bed, pillow, or wall next to her face will get you a convincing reaction worth the pain in your hand (if you hit a wall; I doubt a feather pillow will do you much damage).

Hitting, punching, slapping, and other delicious hands-on BDSM activities are not limited to just the face, either. Fetishes exist for almost every type of punching imaginable: body punching, face punching, gut/belly punching, ass punching, thigh punching, and--bizarrely--cunt punching and perineum punching (to the former: oww!; to the latter: how do you aim for that tiny spot anyway?).

The Doms involved swear that beating your sub with your own hands (or knees, feet, body, whatever) is a far greater joy than simply beating her with distant and detached toys. The physical connection is greater between the two people, which for some means a greater emotional and sexual satisfaction. Biting, scratching, kicking, kneeing, hair-pulling, slapping, hitting, and punching their subs gives them far greater pleasure than hitting them with a paddle or whip.

If this sounds like you and your partner, have a go! Take it slowly, because some people bruise easier than others. As always with BDSM safety, remember to stay clear of important parts you want to protect, like the head and skull (her brain lives there), lower back and stomach (her vital organs), spinal cord, or anywhere that causes a "bad" pain as opposed to the "give me more" kind. Other than that, dish it out and see what your sub can take!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

My Dom, my friend C., and I had a little online discussion about what we like and don't like about BDSM, how it has improved our relationship and communication as a whole, and our favorite activities to try! So sit back, grab a cup of tea, and enjoy an online chat among friends!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

1) When did you first get interested in BDSM?

• C: I first got interested in it when I was 15 and my boyfriend at the time admitted he was into it and I thought it sounded awesome, so I wanted to try it.
• Sub: I think I was always into it, but didn't realize it! Around 15 I started having fantasies about being raped. I wondered if I was normal. I have always been very turned on by being held down or pushed against a wall. When I was 19 I finally dated a man who had rape fantasies as well, and we "played rough" with rape, bondage, knives, and struggle. After that I was hooked, and began "converting" boys I dated, or else I just got bored with the sex. But I didn't realize there was a community of people like me, or that it had a name, until earlier this year (I'm 24).
• Dom: I first became interested in BDSM very recently. I was 27 and it was discovered with my current relationship. I realized something about myself. I began to understand it was something I wanted to experience.

2) How was it first incorporated into your current relationship?

• Dom: Both of us showed tendencies from the beginning. My sub is a biter and I love to restrain and be powerful. Our tastes played off each other and eventually we have our current situation. We started restraining, choking, biting, and slapping. Then the communication picked up. We shared openly about fantasies and what we were into. I learned not to judge something until it was tested, attempted, or tried. Now having done BDSM, I enjoy the love, communication, and trust that come with it. It is exciting, special, and can be healing. All are good things to introduce into a relationship.
• Sub: I agree. Hehe, he is right; I am a biter! :) With us, there were signs from the beginning. The first time we made out, he pushed me up against the door and I got turned on. He liked that it turned me on. The next time, he swept me off my feet, carried me to his backyard, and put me on the picnic table. Gradually our making out just got rougher and more passionate from there. Eventually I admitted my rape fantasies and asked him about his. He was freaked out at first, and then realized how much it turned him on. Slowly I started asking him to call me names and talk dirty. And then once he just slapped me! We were both so turned on. We realized we were on to something, and thank goodness we were both into it! :)
• C: It was incorporated very slowly and gradually because I was afraid he wouldn't be into it. I started being generally "rougher" with him in the bedroom then when I saw he was into it I suggested maybe he would like to treat me roughly. Once I felt we were completely comfortable with that, I waited 'til we were having sex the next time and told him to spank me, then harder and harder. After that he wanted to talk about the spanking and it naturally led to admitting I was into other BDSM activities, and he wanted to try them all.

3) How do you think BDSM has improved your communication with your partner?

• C: I feel that because sex and fetishes are probably one of the most intimate things you can share with someone, it makes other things a lot easier to talk about. It has definately made him more willing to actually express his own opinion aswell rather than saying things just to make me happy.
• Sub: I totally agree. If I can admit to my Dom that I want him to rape me, hit me while he comes, use me, insult me, and call me a bitch---well, that is pretty personal! So I know I can tell him anything. It really opened us up and helped us talk a lot about what we are okay with and what we are not sure about, without feeling judged.
• Dom: It has improved communication by causing us to be open and honest about that which is usually kept under wraps--fantasies. Most people wouldn't admit to their desire to try a rape fantasy. Most wouldn't volunteer they enjoy humiliation, because the judgment they would receive from their partners. They avoid these talks and are scared of the answer they might get. The scenes are also a great place to see how communication has improved. As the Dom, I have to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal means of communication. I have to make sure she is comfortable and taken care off. Even if she is unable to communicate this effectively. I don't believe my senses would be as keen as they are now without the care and practice BDSM offers.

4) How has it improved your sex life?

• C: Well, it means I get exactly what I want instead of enduring painful minutes of monotony.
• Sub: No joke! It has made us able to try anything. And be able to talk about anything.
• Dom: It has opened up so many ways to express sexual feelings and thoughts in a good way. We have a place to express ourselves sexually and emotionally most are too scared to visit. We can be anything there and as dirty as we want without fearing judgment (provided we don't push a hard limit).

5) What else has BDSM improved about your relationship? How?

• Dom: The emotional awareness is heightened for me. I have to pay close attention to my sub's body language, tone, and words during a scene. I do the same thing outside the bedroom. It has also created trust and love, because we know each others deepest fantasies. I think it gives her a place to be healed of past sexual trauma. It is a way to revisit the past with someone she loves and trusts. She can feel empowered over some of the events that made her feel helpless.
• Sub: Absolutely; I agree. I am slowly getting the guidance and leadership and dominance I need from a man, in a safe and structured way, rather than the abusive ways of the past. I can release "unhealthy" sexual needs from past abuse in a healthy way now.
• C: It makes us more relaxed around each other and it gives us ways to flirt with each other when we're not together, because he can always send me a text or message me on msn telling me of something new he has thought to do to me.

6) Are there any ways BDSM has made your relationship more difficult? How?

• C: I suppose it can be frustrating when he won't take things as far as I want them to be taken, then I can sulk with him a bit and sometimes cause arguments. But only very rarely.
• Sub: I'm the same way. Once I needed to be dominated but the mood just wasn't right. Lots of times our scenes aren't as intense or mean or painful as I want them to be. Then I get frustrated and moody and lose interest in sex for a while. I get grouchy at my Dom. Also, in BDSM you risk going too far and actually hurting someone's feelings, or being dominating when the mood isn't right and I don't feel like being dominated. Then I just get pissed off! :) He did this once and I got a huge attitude. We had to talk it out.
• Dom: I don't think it's made our relationship more difficult. I have hurt her once by talking dirty after she was ready to stop.

7) Do you think you know your partner better or worse since starting BDSM?

• C: I definitely think I know him better.
• Sub: Me, too. I know his secret desires so much better now, and it is something only we share, so it brings us closer in all areas. I feel close to him in a group of people because we have this bond with each other they don't know about.
• Dom: I think I know her better since starting BDSM. I feel like we are closer and have built a huge amount of trust! I love her so much and we communicate not only fantasies, but our feelings. I know that I can have a bad day and cry with her or share the greatest joy and be happy.

8) What are some of his/her favorite activities or fetishes?

• Dom: I know some of her favorite activities are biting, dirty talk, humiliation, she enjoys a good slap, being restrained, rape scenes, and hair pulling. This isn't an exhaustive list, but a good start.
• Sub: *giggles* He's right. For him, he likes the feeling of power and control. He likes to slap me and watch my shocked expression, hold me down, and hurt me. They make him feel powerful!
• C: He likes commanding me and telling me what to do, and he's also interested in filming us.

9) What is your favorite thing to do for your sub/Dom that you know brings pleasure?

• C: Doing exactly what he says.
• Sub: Haha, not me! He has to really work to dominate me to the point I will do exactly what he says without me resenting him. But I do reeeeally like giving him multiple orgasms. I like to sit between his legs facing him as I work his cock; this way, I can see his face and share the experience with him, and it is less painful for my wrists. In this position, I can do lots of fun things to his perineum and testicles, which makes him orgasm so many times without ejaculting! I love it; twice the fun and no mess!
• Dom: I love to go down on her and taste her. It is the best when she cums in my mouth. :) I also love to talk dirty to her for hours and hours! She gets so wound up and excited. I do, too! It makes me look forward to the first available private moment.

10) What is your favorite fetish to have done for you?

• Dom: I my favorite thing is when she struggles. It's totally dirty, but I love a good struggle and then to watch her give in. It's sooooo hot! Getting sweaty while wrestling and giving her a few good, firm slaps to the face is amazing.
• C: Spanking, dirty talking, general forcefulness.
• Sub: For me, probably talking really, really, really dirty and calling me terrible names! It makes me so hot. I also adore it when he talks dirty to me for hours, getting me all wound up, and then he can make me ejaculte multiple times. It is the best feeling in the world to come 7 or 8 times. It is rare to get me that worked up, but I LOVE it when he can!

Avenues of Pain

As the Dom it is my responsibility to come up with new ways to inflict pain to cause pleasure. This can be a difficult task, but I promise through communication and practice a good solution will be found. The Dom/sub relationship is one I believe to be unique for every couple. One couple may be into something more corporal and the other may enjoy something more emotional. My goal today is to give food for thought and encouragement. Try something new!

Emotional

This is the type of pain I feel many neglect, but is very rewarding. I know this is my sub's favorite. Emotional pain not only turns the sub on, but also they know they're 100% safe. Refer our lessons in dirty talk to better understand how this is implemented. When I cause emotional pain through what I say I am turned on, too. It makes me feel powerful and creative. If your partner is into this, the feedback you receive will blow your mind!

Striking

This is a very common form of pain and even the most reserved couples will enjoy a good spanking during sex. I can attest that this is my favorite. I feel physically dominant because of the posture during sex. I also feel physically powerful after giving my sub a good slap. The look she gives me after is amazing! I feel an adrenaline rush, excitment, and turned on all at the same time. I stick with open-handed strikes. I like the popping sound and it doesn't hurt or bruise. Slapping doesn't have to be only for the face. Try slapping your sub's thighs, feet, and chest (be careful of the breasts if your sub is female). Some will enjoy a closed-fisted punch. Go for it, but be careful. A friend of mine told me the most turned on he ever was was when his partner gave him a right cross during sex. To each their own!

Cutting

Cutting is another way to cause pain to your sub. I have never done this, but I know this play is out there. Sterile surgical tools can be used to cut your sub, or needles for needle play. Pain is caused and your sub is marked at the same time. It kills two birds with one stone. It is very, very dangerous due to the risk of extreme blood loss and infection. If you choose this avenue be careful. Have a charged cell phone with service to call 9-1-1 and bandages handy. Uses your safewords/safeactions at the first sign of trouble!

Burning

This method can be achieved in two different methods; permanent and non-permanent. The permanent form would be those interested in branding their sub. This is another way to mark the sub as your own. Much like cutting, be sure your tools are sterile! The risk here is infection. It only takes a nasty one to be fatal. The non-permanent version is using hot wax or wet a towel and put it in the microwave. There are many options here. The point is to have fun and stay safe.

Electro Play

This involves shocking your sub into delight. Remember that anytime you play with electricity can be very dangerous. It can cause burns, sears, and cardiac arrest. Many people enjoy this play in spite of the risks. Some of the more popular tools are the violet wand, cattle prods, and stun guns. I can understand why the subs like this so much. I have been shocked before either by an electric fence or outlets. I know being shocked hurts and renders the victim helpless. If one was turned on my a violent loss of control this would be the way.

There is a quick overview of the types of pain that may be inflicted on your sub. Remember to talk to your partner before trying something new. Make sure they are willing and you do your homework to understand the risks. The rewards may be beyond what you expect!

Cheap Ideas for BDSM Play

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