Submission and Feminism

Is D/s pathololgical?

The APA used to think so. Many people still do. Culture tells us that equality is "right." Either sex wanting to be too dominate or too submissive is wrong. Pathological, even. There must be something wrong with them.

Tomio wrote about this in Submission is not Pathological. Is there a high rate of self-identified abuse victims in BDSM? Yes, but Richers et. al suggest not a statistically significant one.

My Dom sometimes is hesitant to embrace true slavery with me. Does slavery mean he doesn't care about me or love me? Does 24/7 mean my needs never get met? Does CNC (consensual nonconsent) mean he could end up raping me? What if he enjoys it? What if I am psychologically damaged by it? What if he breaks my trust and I hate him forever?

These are fears we've both had to work through, and still are. For me, it's more a fear of, "Who am I? Am I bad for liking this? What about the times I hate it? Or when I love it? What do they mean about me?" And the kicker: "Does that make me a bad feminist?" If there's one club in this culture all women are supposedly initiated into at birth and should remain loyal to until death, it's feminism. And that is often interpreted as being equal in everything. To that school of thought, liking slavery or rough sex or a strong man is a bad, bad thing. It can shake your feeling of who are you are a woman.

For male subs, I'd imagine it's just as difficult; culture tells us to be "a man" you have to be assertive and strong.

Sometimes I love submission. Sometimes I act very submissive and wake up the next morning with a feeling of self-loathing. I feel like the things I've enjoyed are bad, wrong, or disgusting. My culture's views on sex, and my fears and worries about my own desires, keep me from embracing what is probably a normal and healthy sexual expression for my husband and me.

Last week, I woke up with that self-loathing feeling. It's the one I imagine the Hollywood version of a sorority girl feels when she wakes up, hung over and naked, in the bed with a nameless and jerky frat boy from the party before. She feels cheap and admonishes herself as she takes the Walk of Shame. That's how I felt.

I crept into the bathroom, berating myself. Why did I let myself do those things? Why did I ask for them? Why did I enjoy them? Who am I?

The words I used to my husband to describe myself were not very pretty. Whorish. Slutty.

"How can it be those things?" he asked. "You don't do them with other men. You don't do them for money. It's intimacy with your husband. You're monogamous."

Logical, but I didn't feel better. I pictured a line of feminists scowling at me from the pagebooks of history, like my sexual preferences might destroy their years of hard work to get women recognized as equals in the workplace and society.

Silly, I know. But I worried.

Now I think I worried to much. Feminism is about choice. Marriage is about spousal intimacy, and no one but God and the spouses can decide what is right or wrong for them in private.

And you don't have to be a "feminist" to be a good woman. You don't have to fit into a box of what womanhood is.

You can just be yourself.

He Trains Me Because He Loves Me

A few days ago, my Dom put me into subspace with just a few words.

I was so impressed by this that I felt the need to write a blog about it.

I feel close to him when he gives me a new rule or talks to me about my training. It gives me a dreamy, safe feeling just like subspace. It's really sexy to me and I can quickly descend into subspace from there.

On the other hand, I don't get all subby and dreamy just based on any words. He can give me a general command, like to go pack his lunch or to quit whining or just something he wants done that day. They don't really do much for me. Oh, I understand they do something for our relationship, like giving me practice submitting and showing his dominance in little ways, but they generally make me scowl or whine before doing them, not get dreamy and turned on.

Obviously, we're still working on the submitting part and we still have a ways to go on the submitting with a good attitude part.

But when he gives me a new rule, or discusses my training with me, I find it very sexy. When we wrote out our CDD rules a few years ago, I was so turned on by the end I thought I would die. (Of course, the actual implementation of those rules was way less sexy in real life!)

Why do I get dreamy and see him as my Prince Charming?

I think it's because he's engaging in our relationship. He's showing initiative and leadership. I like both those things. They make me respect him more. And respect, in my experience, breeds love and intimacy, not to mention goodwill and attraction. When he tells me a new rule, answers all my questions about it firmly and without backing down, and already has a plan in place to discipline me if I don't obey it in a certain amount of time, I feel loved and cherished. This means he put time and thought into coming up with a boundary. This means he loves me and cares about me as a person, because he has taken the time to analyze my weaknesses and devise a plan to tackle it. This means he is showing active leadership, loving me and leading me into a better marriage for us and a better life for me. He hasn't waited for me to say, "I noticed I've been gossiping a lot lately; I really need to stop." Instead, he has paid attention to me on his own, noticed some stumbling block in my own development or my relationship with God or him or someone else, and all on his own decided I was important enough for him to step in and steer things in a more positive direction.

I really can't imagine being more loved and cherished than that.

How to Start Your Own Sub Training

In my earlier post on sub training, I stated that I think it's best if a Master creates his own training program for his wife. Whether you call it rules or training, it makes sense for you to have control over what changes your wife makes and how she acts when in service to you.

You should take into consideration many things when creating a training program.

How will the training program be completed?

Will you write down a list of rules? Will both of you sign a contract? Will you give her a general topic to work on and research herself and report back to you, or will you do the research yourself and then teach it to her? Will your training program be printed, like worksheets and instructions kept in a folder, or verbal? Or, will you use email and blogs to send her assignments and receive her responses?

Will you use an online training program (such as Master David's or Gorean rules) or slave training manual (such as Miss Abernathy's or Master Nage's books) as a template, or create your own training from scratch? While these resources or the 128 Basic Slave Rules may be a good place to get ideas, they mostly apply to the leather or M/s community, and I encourage you to create your own specific training program that is tailored to the needs of your sub and your plans for your marriage together.

How long will the training program take?

Training is ongoing, since I've never heard of a sub that completely stopped testing limits, even in 20-year relationships. However, the idea is that initial training should be more rigorous to help your sub un-learn old habits and really solidify newer, positive ones. Then you can just keep maintaining the training she's already learned and adding new components as necessary.

For each specific goal, you need to decide how long you want training to take. Depending on how difficult a task is, your slave's personality, and how ingrained her old habits are, this could be weeks or months. Make the easier, simpler skills have a shorter "due date" than the more difficult ones. Having a set timeline is important; this ensures that when life gets busy, you don't both just stagnate and let the training stall indefinitely.

How will you keep tabs on her progress?

You'll need to keep tabs on her progress each day and week. I'd advise daily check-ins for some things (either tasks she completes daily, or that she struggles a lot with) and weekly for others. How often will you check in with her? How will you keep tabs? Will she email you her progress, including rules she's broken, or keep a private blog for you? Will she keep a journal or create a slave training folder for you to read? Will she text you throughout the day with her progress? Will you set a time each night to discuss it together?

What kind of person do you want her to be?

Since you are the Dom, you have ultimate say in what goes into her training and what doesn't, no matter what online sub training and DD websites say or don't say you should do. Look at your wife. What aspects of her personality are really great and should be kept? Which ones are negative and should definitely go? Which personality traits, skills, talents, and dreams does she have that maybe she is too afraid or shy or unaware to develop herself, and how can you help her develop them?

What kind of person does God want her to be?

I can't stress enough that, at least for people who adhere to a specific religion, it matters far less what kind of person you want her to be than who God wants her to be. For Christians, her relationship with Christ is the most important one of her life. He created her, He knew her before you knew her, He made her the person she is today, and only He can take care of her should you leave this world before she does. When she dies, she'll do it alone with only Him to help her.

When creating a training program, if you are a Christian, you must take into account Biblical commands and guidance. It doesn't matter how much you want her to be in a gang bang, because the Bible is clear that's not okay. Look at the Bible to see what kind of person God wants her to be. Does she struggle with common sins, such as worry, gossip, drunkeness, idleness, etc.? If you're going to lead her to be more like Christ, you have to know your Bible and you have to make sure your training aligns with it.

What kind of person does she want to be?

She's given you a great honor by giving you authority over her. Respect her wishes. What kind of woman does she want to grow into, under your guidance?

What is good and healthy for her and your relationship?

Many Doms will include emotional and physical health in training. Physically, does she need to exercise, stop smoking, or eat better? Does she need to eat more or less? Does she have a history of eating disorders?

Emotionally, does she have any past issues that are hindering your relationship together? Many women come to marriages scarred by past emotional or physical abuse. This may manifest in unhealthy behaviors such as lack of trust, emotional withdrawl, insecurity or jealousy, the silent treatment, or a nasty temper.

Everyone has self-defense mechanisms we use as a response to past hurts and to protect ourselves from being hurt again. In a marriage, those self-defense strategies often have the unintended effect of closing down communication. What self-defense mechanisms does your wife use? Silent treatment? Sulking? Criticizing? Yelling? Blaming? Closing off emotionally? Be aware of them and use training as a way to break down those bad habits and open the doors for increased intimacy and communication.

Can you stay consistent?

Don't even bother starting training if you aren't going to have time for it. If you're too busy at work or tend to be the kind of guy who forgets to follow through and lets things slide, this isn't for you. If you can't provide clear-cut guidelines for her and maintain daily or periodic check-ups to monitor her progress and provide feedback, correction, punishment, and encouragement, you'll just send the message that your relationship and her training aren't important to you.

Let me say it again: If the rules aren't important enough to enforce, they aren't important enough for you to make them in the first place.

How will you provide feedback, positive reinforcement, and consequences?

Will you provide feedback verbally, via email, text, blog, letter, or a mixture? How often will you give her feedback? It's also a good idea to set up specific "mini-goals" within each goal. For instance, if your goal is for her to be sexually available to you 100% of the time within a month, you might set a mini-goal that you will surprise her with a sexual request every 3 days at first. Eventually, you can increase your demands until you reach your all-the-time goal.

If she reaches her mini-goals, what positive reinforcement will she get? This can be as simple as praise or something more concrete like a gift from you. (I know one slave who receives a symbolic charm for each training element she successfully completes.) If she doesn't reach her mini-goals and long-term goals, what will the punishment be? It's important to set it out for her so she knows in advance what to expect.

How will you meausure each specific goal?

Goals have to specific. Something like, "In 1 month, you will be more respectful to me," is impossible to measure and therefore impossible to know if the training was successful. If you want her to improve in the area of respect, for example, make it something specific, such as, "You will not use insulting names to refer to me" or "You will keep your tone respectful in front of the children." Be specific about what exactly you want to see change. Also, make sure you can measure a goal. "You will be sexually available to me" is not measurable, but "You will be available for anal sex each night before bed" is. At the beginning, you may reward her for 80% success, but as training continues, she should get to 90 and then 100%.

How will you keep training ongoing?

Once the initial training is complete, you can't just expect her to never make a mistake again. Sometimes she will forget and make a mistake. And sometimes she will test you on purpose. Don't let all your hard work be for nothing by letting her slack off once the training is complete. You still need to make sure she is staying true to the new behaviors she's learned by communicating with her, letting her know when you see a problem, and providing immediate correction if she slips up.

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If you consider all these areas before you start your sub training, you'll have a good foundation to build upon.

I'm not going to tell you what rules you should make for your slave, because I don't know you or your slave. However, these are some general areas you should consider before designing your training program.

Training a Sub

The phrase "training a slave" or "training a sub" always gets my Dom's goat. I think he sees it distasteful, like training a dog or a horse. Obviously, a slave is not a dumb animal.

I try to look at it more as "training" that we might encounter in our jobs or in the workplace. Training is a way our bosses make sure we are on the same page with the rest of the company: we know how to do things according to company policy, we understand how this particular job needs to be done, and we get familiar with what's expected of us by our bosses.

In D/s, some people also call this "breaking a slave." You can think of it as similar to training a horse, which is a beautiful, intelligent animal that also happens to be wild and fierce when unbroken. I think women are much the same way.

According to Submissive Guide:

Training is meant to adjust the slave’s core attitudes and behaviors to be more in tune with the Master. It certainly seems that as slaves, we do pass a point where the major force of our resistance and self-defensive mechanisms, the shell, is broken, and we enter a state of pliancy and moldability for our owners.

The training we undergo is also a from of breaking in. You will be told what is expected of you, learn the right and wrong way to go about certain tasks and anything else that the Master wishes to enhance or downplay in your manner or behavior. [emphasis mine]

Training is simply another word for learning or education. In a very simple sense, it could be considered "training" when my Dom tells me he wants me to get him a cup of coffee in the morning and to soap him down in the shower. These are behaviors I didn't use to do, so I have to practice them and he has to make sure I don't slip back into my old habits. A more complex form of training would be teaching me to submit to sex whenever he requests it or to submit to anal sex for a sub who says that's a limit.

Luna K gives a good example of training a sub: Perhaps your Dom wants you to receive your punishments in silence, without crying or speaking or moving. If your natural tendency is to fight, beg, scream, or cry, he'll have to train you to exhibit the behavior he prefers.

If your Master has preferences on how you will speak, dress, or act, that's training. If he has preferences on how he wants his dinner prepared every time, that's training. It's simply learning what he wants and changing your behavior to fit that.

It is important to note that training doesn't mean you wipe away your sub or slave's personality. You aren't creating a different person; you are simply teaching new, positive behaviors and eradicating old, negative ones. For instance, my Dom likes that I am playful and cheeky; he does not want to train me into a mindless, silent slave, but he does want me to be obedient and respectful while maintaining my spirit and wit. This requires him to train me, showing me which of my natural behaviors he wants me to express freely and which negative or self-destructive ones he wants me to outgrow.

There are on-line training programs, but I think it's better if each Master devises his own training program for his wife. This way, training is unique to each couple and guaranteed to be worth the work. There's no point spending time learning rules and behaviors that neither of you really care about, while possibly skipping some new behaviors that your Master would really like you to learn.

It's important to remember that training takes work on the part of both people. Deciding upon rules and behaviors, planning a training program, deciding how long to give each goal and how to measure each goal's success or failure, plus providing rewards and consequences for new behaviors is a lot of work. Please note that if you are going to train a sub, you must be entirely consistent. You cannot set forth a training program and then forget to check your sub's progress along the way and expect her to come out successful. You must be willing to be engaged in every step of the process, oversee how her training is going each day, and provide constant feedback and correction.

Barriers on the Road to Surrender

Subs may hit road bumps on the way to submission. Whether your immediate goal is getting her to subspace, punishing her, or simply getting her to relax, you will doubtless hit these bumps in the road. Sometimes they are small bumps, things that you notice but don't really hinder the journey. Sometimes they are full-on barriers in the road and you have to stop the car and remove the barrier before you can keep driving.

Some barriers are doubtless in your slave's control. Some of them are probably not; these are the instinctual, emotional, or even habitual responses. Eventually, these can become unlearned, but that will take training and consistency on your part.

Here are some things that can hinder subs from fully submitting:

• Fear. This is at the root of all the other barriers! Whether a sub is stubbornly telling you no, swearing her remorse if you stop caning her, or putting distance between you, they all stem from fear. The question is, what is she afraid of? She may be afraid of being seen as a doormat, being judged, being too sexual, losing her self-identity, being too needy, or any number of things. Sometimes she may not consciously know unless you ask her and make her think about it.




• Stubborness. This is definitely within a sub's control, and represents a basic failure on her part to allow herself to feel "loss of self". You can point out what she is doing and encourage her to let go of herself a bit and acquiese to you.




• Embarrassment. It is almost impossible to relax enough to surrender to another person if a sub is feeling embarrassed, because embarrassment focuses on yourself ("What do I look like? How am I being perceived?") instead of the other person. It is a natural reaction, but one your sub will have to get over to reach fuller submission. You may want to reassure her, distract her, or simply focus her attention back to you.




• Self-consciousness. This is related to embarrassment. If a sub is struggling with insecurity and self-consciousness, it's going to be difficult for her to go into subspace or reach that level after a punishment where she completely surrenders. When my Dom brings my focus back to him, or causes me pain to distract me, it helps me forget about feeling self-conscious.




• Anger. Feeling angry means she's feeling wronged somehow, whether rightly or wrongly. She may feel you are being unfair or unkind. If she is focusing on how wrong you are and how right she is, this gives her a sense of moral power and judgment over you. You may need to talk through the problem and listen to her feelings and validate them. Even if you do not change your original stance (and often you shouldn't!), simply letting her know you understand her feelings and that you have taken them into consideration can help.




• False apologies. This happens a lot right before or during a punishment. Subs will complain and holler, "Not fair!" and come up with a million excuses why they shouldn't be punished and a million ways they will never do it again. Especially if the punishment hurts, she may start apologizing profusely before she means it. I will say that for me, false apologies are not an attempt to be dishonest or lie to my Dom. However, when I'm in so much pain that I'll do anything to stop it, the, "I'm sorries!" just come flying out without me thinking about them because I am desperate to make the pain--which I am honestly sure I could not handle one more ounce of--stop. One solution to this is training in overcoming pain barriers; another is waiting to see if she still demonstrates an actual attitude change once the pain stops.




• Emotional distance. This is a weapon many women have learned when physically overpowering you is impossible. You are bigger and stronger, so you can control her body, but she can shut you out of her mind. This is her attempt to keep some power. Symptoms include sulking, avoiding eye contact, not answering questions, and getting quiet and withdrawn. She may do it when she is overloaded or overwhelmed. Emotional distance is poison for a relationship because it impedes communication, which is vital for reconciliation. Dr. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and its presence in a relationship makes you more vulnerable to divorce.




• Abuse triggers. Things that remind her of past abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, will garner intense physical reactions from her that she probably can't control. She may go completely numb and unmoving, or she may fight you like a tiger. She is not reacting to you; she is reacting to the situation. Abuse victims cannot usually control their reactions; their brains simply react to a perceived threat. Communication is key to understand what her triggers are, why those are triggers, and so that you can recognize the signs. You can also work to devise a plan to work past those triggers or make them less intense when they do occur.

Wait! I didn't add pain to the list! While it is possible for physical pain to jolt a sub out of subspace, it is interesting to note that pain can actually serve to put a sub into subspace. Once my Dom has gotten me to clear my mind and relax, it is often only a centering jolt of pain that I need to send me into subspace. I call it "centering" because it forces all other thoughts and concerns out of my head, and I focus only on one thing. It also makes me go into subspace easier because I find it sexy that he has power over me.

Let's go back to the subject of which of these "barrier to submission" are in your sub's control and which are not. Some are probably conscious choices she makes; others are subconscious decisions she makes and you may need to point out exactly what she's doing before she will realize it and correct the mistake. For instance, I know if I'm being stubborn. It's a conscious choice I make, and I deserve it when my Dom punishes me for it. On the other hand, I often don't realize when I start to bring myself out of subspace because I'm getting embarrassed about acting "too submissive," or when I am forgetting to make a verbal request because I assume he'll read my body language. In those cases, once he points it out to me, I realize what I'm doing and can make the choice to change my behavior.

Other barriers, however, are not in her control. A sub who has been abused cannot control panic attacks brought on by triggering that event. Telling her to relax in that situation will not do any good, because the truth is she can't relax. However, even the most instinctive reactions can be unlearned, with slow and careful navigation on your part, lots of communication, and patience as you train her body to un-learn old reactions and learn new ones.

One reason I like the BDSM idea of "training" over the idea of just going straight to discipline is that it gives the sub time to understand what reactions she is having, how they are affecting the relationship, and what the Dom would prefer she do instead. Training can include punishment, but it is often the final resort, and first the couple is expected to communicate. If my Dom tells me what he wants me to learn, why it's important, and how he wants me to learn it, that gives me time to adjust to a new and unfamiliar pattern of behavior under his guidance and tutorage. He can guide me through days and weeks of learning the new behavior, and punishment is a final resort rather than his first answer to everything.

Do You Need a Training Résumé?

New submissives and slaves entering the lifestyle will find in a lot of the first websites you encounter via Google search about a mystical object every sub needs called a "Training Résumé." (I waded through those same websites when I was new, by the way... I have to say, most of them are utter crap.)

What is a training résumé? It's basically a record of all the D/s training you've had. It can be a tool you hand to a prospective Dominant so he can know you better, or something you use yourself to track your personal growth as a submissive. Ideally, it would include information on all your past D/s relationships, submissive skills you know, BDSM experience, related classes or events you've attended, even your goals and limits.

If you are interested in creating a training résumé, the Submissive Guide website has a good guide on how to start, including information on formats, what to include, etc. Luna K, the owner of Submissive Guide, will walk you through the process, including:

• how to start your résumé


• documenting your training history


• BDSM checklists


• Classes and convocations you've attended


• Your BDSM-related reading list

The danger here is that if you get sucked in by the myriad of crappy BDSM websites insisting you must have this training résumé, or even a well-constructed submissive resource like Submissive Guide, you can be tricked into believing that if you want to be a real sub you have to have a perfect little training portfolio.

Some of us don't need training résumés. Hey, if you want to do one, I have no problem with it. But I don't like the focus some sites put on having one. It isn't fair to new subs to make this seem like something they need to do, that every Dominant will expect.

If you are new to submission and plan to jump around from play partner to play partner for a while, trying out the field, then a training résumé might be a good idea for you. But if you are already in a vanilla relationship and are just trying to figure out how to make it kinky, or if you are a kinkster looking for a permanent, monogamous relationship, you probably don't need one. In the first case, you are already in a committed relationship, and in the second, if you're looking for permanence you will probably end up having a few serious relationships before you find it, rather than dozens of flings.

I don't have a training résumé.

Unless my Dom decides it would be a good project for me to start, I'll never have one. Now, if he decides on his own that he would like me to keep a portfolio of my submissive training, tasks I know how to do and tasks I still need to learn, my goals for personal growth, my past relationships, and kink-related books I've read, then I'll do it. I'm pretty good at lists, portfolios, and the like, and I really enjoy scrapbooking and such.

But for myself? It's not something I need.

Why not? Because I'm in a committed marriage with my Dominant. We're married, and our religion doesn't allow for divorce. I'm basically in this one for the long haul, provided one of us doesn't die young. He's the only Dom I've ever had and the only one I'll ever be allowed to have, so a training résumé just doesn't make sense for me in my position.

Therefore, if you're a new sub, don't get stressed out by what the websites say you "need" to have or documents you "should" create. Decide if it's really something you want or need, and go from there.

Face-to-Face Time and Intimacy

Now that summer is here, I'm finally getting to catch up on the sex blogosphere and all my fellow kinky bloggers. While perusing and stalking the D/s relationships of other bloggers, I came across this quote by Oatmeal Girl over at Submission and Metaphor:

How he ordered me to touch myself for the longest time, sitting before him, while he watched - watched my face, not my pussy, watched me arouse myself for his pleasure...

My husband is currently having me focus more on intimacy. Allowing myself to feel intimacy and closeness during sex, which is difficult for me (a textbook problem for victims of childhood abuse).

This quote shows, above all, an intimacy in the relationship between this submissive and her Master. Now that I'm paying more attention to intimacy, I also notice my lack of it--and this is one area that's hard for me: face-to-face time during sex.

It's one thing if he is staring at my body, but once he wants to look into my face, I get nervous. It feels uncomfortably emotional. Too... intimate. It makes me cringe away. I close my eyes, turn my face away, try to hide my face. Sometimes I even initiate a kiss just so he will close his eyes and focus on kissing me instead of watching my face, or I will hug him and bury my face in his shoulder. These are my sneaky ways of avoiding having him look at my face.

Looking at a woman's body during sex seems normal. She could mean anything to you or nothing at all. You could be looking at her as an object. But when you watch her face, it seems... more personal.

Having my Dom look into my eyes when I am receiving pleasure or pain is hard for me, but it's a step closer to becoming comfortable with intimacy.

Maybe getting to that level is something I can aspire to in the future.

Vulnerability and Training a Slave

One of the benefits of BDSM relationships is its openness to complete vulnerability.

In BDSM scenes, both the top and the bottom can let go and be completely, nakedly open. Their most evil thoughts and desires? Open. Their most needy, pathetic thoughts? Bared. It's an incredibly vulnerable experience, one that often frightens me to no end.

Vulnerability can be a positive thing when received by a loving, self-controlled Master who will not abuse or take advantage of the sub. Read this affirmation of his subs by Jack Rinella:

Frankly I will correct every negative statement uttered by a submissive. I will remind them that they are good people, beautiful and capable. I will do my best to back my words with actions that support, encourage, and affirm their very high worth as humans.

The vulnerability found in BDSM can be a beautiful, albeit frightening, experience. Masters can make or break their slaves. I think it is perhaps this utter control that frightens vanilla writers who are so against BDSM. They want (rightly) to protect the weak from being annihilated by a power-hungry Master. And it is true that BDSM involves a scary level of power exchange. Lives and emotional wellbeing can be in danger. Do some Masters use this power for destruction and pain? Sure. That's why subs and aspiring slaves must be very careful to find a Master like the one described above, one who uses his complete power to build up and heal, not annihilate or destroy. To be a good Master is a large responsibility. If the idea of accidentally breaking your sub doesn't frighten you, it should.

Power is like fire, according to Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, authors of The New Bottoming Book. Fire can destroy if uncontrolled. Fire can provide heat and light if used carefully. Like everything, BDSM can be abused. It can also be wielded carefully and with forethought, and can illuminate the life of the holders.

When you give control to someone, if that person has a clue what he or she is doing, things can progress very fast. In an article about vulnerability, Master Stuart's pet says:

My transition from novice sub to trained sub to enslaved collared pet was a speedy one.

But sometimes my Dom is not sure how to make me progress from "novice sub" to "trained sub" and especially not to "enslaved sub." Some people progress very quickly, others not at all. I hope I don't turn out to be one of those not-at-all people.

Vulnerability for me, right now, can be a huge turn-off. But I still enjoy the physical vulnerability of BDSM. So maybe I can't always open myself, mind and emotions, but I can enjoy the simulation of that sacred act by being physically overpowered, physically vulnerable.

Sometimes my Dom acts out of anger or what a vanilla asshole would do, which can be easily confused with what a BDSM Master would do, but are rarely the same despite their seeming similarities. But B.E.S.T. slave training says

The Master should not apply consequences out of anger. The consequences should be well thought out and appropriate to "fit the crime." The purpose is to modify the slave’s behavior so that it pleases her Master.

The point here is for the Master to be slowly, with an end goal in sight, working toward that goal. He wants to change the sub to be more pleasing to him, so no sub will be trained exactly the same way by a different Master. In a relationship with one Master, my training could be completely different from another. I've heard of Masters who make slaves walk without swinging their left arms, slaves who can't use the furniture, and slaves who have to stop using pads and tampons during their periods. It's completely up to what that Master wants.

Of course, when you start a training program, you should expect resistance. Subs and slaves are humans, and no matter how much they want to be a submissive, you are both fighting a lifetime of social norms and millenia of cultural information. Women and men are raised to act a certain way, and this can be seen throughout history. A free, consensual slave is unheard of in the annals of history, and so the two of you must slowly and painstakingly erase hundreds of pages from your mental history textbooks and refill the pages with your own story, without any help from anyone else. How do you want your slave to look? to act? to think? to be? It's a hard question to answer, and one that could take hours and weeks of thought.

For more info for Doms and Masters, check out these articles:

• The Difference Between Dominant and Domineering


• Dom Training: Managing a Slave

Slave Positions

My Dom has asked me to research and blog about some common slave positions, so here it is!

The idea of slave positions comes originally from the Chronicles of Gor by John Norman. These Gorean slave positions are often used by Gorean slaves, kajirae for female slaves and kajiri for male. However, many non-Gorean BDSMers have adapted these slave positions and use them in slave and submissive training.

Below, I've outlined some of the more basic positions I've come across in my time on BDSM sites. By far the best site I've found on the topic is Kassar's, although B.E.S.T. slave training and Kohlteth's camp also have some positions with pictures.

Nadu

(Pictured above.) This is the most basic position in Gorean culture. The word means "kneel" in Gorean and is the defaul position for slaves. The slave kneels and sits on her heels with her legs spread to allow her Master to see all of her. Her head is high but her eyes lowered with respect, and her hands rest upturned on her thighs. I've also seen Nadu with the hands turned down.

Ko'lar

Ko'lar is the Gorean word for "collar." This position is a variation of the Nadu. The slave starts in Nadu, then raises her hands above her head and crosses them at the wrists, ready to be bound. Her head and gaze are down.

Bracelets

This is another variation of the Nadu position. The slave kneels, not sitting up on her heels, and crosses her wrists behind her back, ready to be bound with slave bracelets or rope. Her back should be straight and her head turned slightly toward the left.

Obey

The slave lies on her tummy, prostrate before her Master, and turns her head to rest the side of her face on his foot or shoe.

Whipping

The slave starts in Nadu position, then leans forward until the top half of her is laying on the floor. She sweeps her hair in front of her and raises her arms above her head, crossing them at the wrists. In this position, she can be easily whipped without her hands or hair hindering her Master's access to her back.

Sula

This one is very simple and often used by sexual slaves. The slave lies flat on her back, legs spread wide open, with her arms held loosely by her sides and her palms up.

Sula-Ki

As an alternative to the Sula, there is also the Sula-Ki position, where the slave raises her hips to allow easier entry.

Lesha

The slave puts her back to the Master and crosses her wrists behind her back. She keeps her chin raised and slightly to the left. In this position, the Master can easily bind her wrists and attach a leash (lesha is Gorean for "leash").

Submissive Journaling Prompts

To read my introduction to submissive journaling, please read this post.

Journaling prompts are themes that you can write about or questions to make you think more about your submission. Here are a few of my own submissive journaling prompts, and links below to some examples from other websites.

• Are you a natural submissive or a learned submissive or both? What parts of you are each?
• What does submission mean to you? Surrender? How is this different from passivity? Are the two connected?
• Would you rather surrender or be conquered? Why?
• When you were younger, what kind of fantasies did you have? Did you understand what they meant? How did you feel about them? Did you share them with anyone? Try to act any out? What happened?
• How do you feel about punishment in a BDSM relationship? Is it necessary for all Masters and slaves? Does it turn the slave into a child or make her a more responsible adult?
• What parts of you are submissive? What parts of you are dominant or a switch? How do you balance out these different parts of yourself?
• What actions your Dom does have you noticed make you feel immediately submissive or small? What actions just annoy or irritate you? Make you horny? Make you resentful? Afraid? Grateful? How could he recreate the good feelings in you and avoid the bad ones? Should he avoid the bad ones or do they help you grow?
• What aspects of your Master's leadership do you enjoy? What are harder to deal with? How do you find the inner strength and patience to endure the aspects you don't enjoy?
• What do you think about the phrase, "Topping from the bottom"? Is it always a bad thing? Do you do it sometimes? Why? How does your Dom react?
• What do you think are the top five qualities any Master should have?
• What activities or limits did you use to be afraid to try, but have now tried? Did you like them? How did you feel when you tried them despite your fears? Why did you try them?
• "A sub with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees." Do you think this is true? Why or why not?
• Do you ever desire to be a Top or a switch? In what situations? Why do you think these situations bring out that desire in you?
• How did you and your Master meet? When you first met your Master, what initially attracted you to him?
• What was your first introduction to BDSM? Who was involved? What aspects did you like or not like?
• When did you first begin to think you might like to live a lifestyle as a submissive? Did you enter the lifestyle with complete joy or did you have some reservations? How did you overcome them? Do you still have any reservations?
• What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?
• What parts of yourself are not yet totally submitted to your Master? Why do you keep those parts separate? Does he know about them, and if so, how does he feel about them?
• Do you think you could be happy in a vanilla relationship? What would that look like?
• Describe what it would look like if you and your Master decided to have a vanilla-only relationship. What would change? What would stay the same? How would you feel?
  

More Resources:

Submissive Guide's Journaling Prompts.

These Inspirational BDSM Quotes can also be used as individual journal prompts.

My post with a journal prompt about Who You Are.

Amazon also has a book of journal prompts you can purchase, A Submissive Journey.

Submissive Training: Giving Good Head

Giving good oral sex is often an assumed part of any male-led D/s relationship. Also, it can be fun and add variety to your sex life.

If, like me, you have a ridiculously active gag reflex, or you hate the smell/taste of cock and balls, or you don't like the taste of semen..... welcome to the club! On the other hand, there are tips you can use that will help you give better head to your Dom or Master.

For Men:

• Shave, shave shave. No one wants to put their mouth on hairy balls.
• Shower before oral sex so you feel and smell clean
• Keep a damp towel nearby in case you start to sweat during the activity, which will make you smell bad
• Don't eat salty or bitter foods beforehand, since they can make semen taste stronger.
• Stay away from coffee (ewwww taste) or other dehydrating drinks (like soda). Drink lots of water and stay hydrated. This improves the taste of the semen a bit.
• Keep her informed of where you are in The Process. When mouths get sore and lips start to ache, it can be terrible to keep going with no idea if we are 30 seconds from takeoff, or 2 minutes, or 5 minutes, or 10 minutes. We need to know where you are so we can do a quick pain/benefit analysis and know whether to give up, take a break, or suck it up and keep going despite the pain.
• If your submissive has trouble with deepthroating or swallowing, and this is something you want, consider training her gradually to build up resistance.

For Subs and Slaves:

• Get comfortable. Put a pillow under your knees, get situated, and make sure you won't lose blood flow to your limbs.
• Have a bottle of water and some chapstick handy for when you need to take a small break.
• Try covering his cock with something that tastes good (I use cold strawberry frosting in a can) to block out unpleasant tastes
• If pre-cum makes you gag (it does me), keep a towel or t-shirt with you so you can wipe him off before starting again
• Suck on a piece of hard candy like a Jolly Rancher or Lifesaver to keep the saliva coming and to coat your throat
• Use Chloraseptic Throat Spray to numb the back of your throat (but put a condom on him, or you'll also numb his cock!)
• When your mouth gets too tired, alternate between kissing, licking, and massaging with your hand to give yourself a break
• Sip water or a flavored drink right after he ejaculates if you don't like the taste of semen

I know several subs who love pleasuring their Masters in this way--and of course, the men love to receive it! Giving good blow jobs to someone you love, trust, and serve can be a completely freeing exercise in submission.

Submissive Training: Domestic Goddess

Want a great idea for how to impress your Dominant or a neat assignment for your slave? This "Domestic Goddess" idea that I got from submissive blogger A Subtle Slavegirl will make you eat healthier, avoid wasting resources, make you learn to cook better and more creatively, and save you money!

Subtle Slavegirl's genius idea was to give herself 30 days and spend no more than $100 on food. That included eating out as well as shopping for at-home meals.

If you want to do this, it can be a great step in submissive training to help you focus either on financial management or culinary skills (or both). It can be challenging, but here's the way it worked for Subtle Slavegirl.

1. Her Master made a list of all the food in the house. That's right, all of it. What they had, how much there was, everything.


2. Every day, she cooked both of them three meals, using ingredients they already had at home. If she absolutely had to go out and buy something, she kept track of the exact cost on a spreadsheet and subtracted it from the total $100 she had to spend.


3. She kept a weblog of the meals she ate, including pictures and some prep instructions, as well as how much each meal cost.


4. At the end of 30 days, they had saved several hundred dollars from not going out to the grocery store to buy things for meals when they had ingredients for other meals instead. She used the money to buy something they wanted.

I enjoyed reading Subtle Slave's "domestic goddess" routine and thought it was worth sharing. Could you and your family eat off the food you have in the house already for a full month?