Anal + TIH

While I consider our relationship to fall within the umbrella of Taken in Hand (TIH) relationships, I think for us, anal sex has evolved to take the place of spanking. Don't get me wrong, at the beginning spanking was something we both enjoyed, but it was short-lived and he seems to gravitate the last 8-12 months toward anal domination.

Why?

An excellent question. He says he enjoys it because it's a way to dominate me, totally and utterly. I hate it. It's like Doule's experience, which has regrettably been deleted, or this blogger's depictions of anal orgasms.

Maybe it's for many reasons. I don't know everything that goes on in his head, and he is regrettably close-lipped during sex. But I know he likes to control me. Likes how I hate it. Likes how I cry or fight or beg or go limp. Likes how I look as I arch under him. Likes how I clench down on him when he reaches around and pinches my nipples. Likes how I cry out as he rips pleasures out of me. Likes how humiliated I become. Likes how I collapse before him. He tells me these things that he likes, sometimes, as he rides me and I am helpless beneath him.

It's not the physical that causes the orgasm, it's the mental. The subordination. The pain, the confusion, the pleasure. The torture, the humiliation, the father figure, the lord, the master, the boss, the chieftain, the priest. The shuddering submission and the dark enveloping pleasure of sub space.

For us, it's not maintenance spankings or punishment spanking sessions. It's maintenance anal and anal rape as a punishment. It affects me in a deeper, more personal way than spanking does. The pain is more broad and dull, less sharp, more bearable, more pleasurable. The anger spanking brings in me goes away as I fight and am conquered, irrevocably, irretrievably. He invades me; he conquers me; it is done. There is no more to be done but to submit. From inside, grasping my hair in rough handfuls, he controls me as reins do a horse, riding me to his climax even when I weep and collapse from the pain.


Yet it's all the same message as TIH. The man is in charge, the man holds the reins. The woman submits to his will, to his rules, to his specifications, and if she does not she can expect to be punished. Many TIH couples use spanking as a punishment, but not all. Right now, we do not. But my bottom is still punished. Oh, yes it is.

My Pattern of Submission

I'm becoming aware of a pattern I have that allows me to either sink into subspace, and acquiese sexually to my Dom in the bedroom, or that keeps me from letting go of that last bit of mental control and submitting fully.

As I understand it, here's the pattern:

1. Top-space. This is the normal, vanilla headspace where I live most of my life. Here, I am more independent and free-thinking, although I still submit to my husband at times.



2. Relaxation. As an abuse survivor, it is hard for me to relax before sex. Even when I want sex. My tendency is to get tense. I try to take deep breaths and focus, but it isn't in my control. My Dom will often do things to help me relax, such as talking to me, reminding me to breathe and relax, or stroking me soothingly. If those still don't work, he can usually get me to relax by distracting me (making me focus on pleasing him, for instance) or making me feel physically controlled (by tying me up, handcuffing me, pinching my nipples, choking me, or forcing his fingers down my throat).



3. Desire to Be Hurt. Once I am finally relaxed or distracted, I am often struck by an inexplicable desire for him to hurt me. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this admission! But instead of desiring physical pleasure (which is, I guess, what society says I am "supposed" to feel after I relax and before sex), I long to be hurt. I wish he would choke me, or torture my nipples, or pull my hair. I want him to make me in service to him and I want him to demonstrate his power over me. I also want to know that he wants to hurt me.



4. Being Hurt. If he hurts me, my pain will increase at first, and then decrease without explanation. Suddenly, my body releases endorphins and I descend into a much deeper relaxation than before. I start to float toward subspace, and hover just outside it.



5. Being Pushed. I usually just need one more big shove at this point to put me into subspace. I'll hover there, expectant and longing. He can do many things to give me this "big push." He can talk to me, telling me how he owns me. This is more a mental domination. Or he can hurt me more, which is especially effective if he also tells me how much he enjoys hurting me and how much it turns him on, and if he forces me to explain to him how much I am hurting. This is both pain-based and mental domination. Either the dirty talk or the pain, in a large enough dose, will give me that big push I need to enter into full submission.



6. Wanting Pleasure. In this level, I'm in subspace and I am greedy to experience everything he has to offer. I could lie there happily and take hours and hours of pain or pleasure (or both!). Here, pain no longer registers as pain and usually feels very sexual and pleasurable. I can take much higher doses of pain in this stage as well, and am often disappointed because he'll stop when "Topspace me" would be maxed out, but well before "Subspace me" is done.



7. Wanting to Serve. Once my greedy submissive desires have been sated, I also want to serve him. I am still in subspace, but now I'm feeling how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that delicious pain and pleasure he's just given me. In this stage, I'll do completely un-"Topspace me" like things like beg to serve him sexually, draw him a bath, or make him lunch. Usually, he has to force me to do these things!



8. Floating Down. Once we're done in the bedroom, I still feel submissive to him for several hours afterward. I stick to him like glue in public, get up to get him drinks or snacks, and worry a lot more about how he wants me to wear my hair, makeup, or clothes. Again, in Topspace, I'm more independent than this, so he thoroughly enjoys it!



9. Subdrop. The sad epilogue of a truly great scene. After I come floating off of my subspace cloud, I long to re-start the process (which is easier to jumpstart from Stage 8 than Stage 1) and feel it again. If we don't have time or he is at work, I eventually get sad and mopey. I long to feel subspace again. Sometimes I'll get emotional and grouchy, or test him to try to get my "submissive high" again.



10. Normal Topspace. Eventually, I go back to normal, which is basically Stage 1.

This pattern may be something other subs experience or it may not; it is, however, definitely the stages as I've noticed I go through them. It only really applies to sexual submission, as outside the bedroom I can easily get him lunch or do his laundry while still in top-space.

If there is a breakdown at some stage of the pattern (usually Stage 2, 3, or 4 are the places we get stalled), it's impossible for me to get into subspace or be that willing sexual submissive he wants me to be. It may be because of my history; an inability to relax before sex or feel pleasure without being dominated and hurt can definitely hijack the normal process of sexual arousal. Yet I know many kinksters who prefer sex with pain and/or domination, so I don't think it can be 100% attributed to an abusive past.

Either way, I'm not sure why I do TTWD, but this is what works for me.

Barriers on the Road to Surrender

Subs may hit road bumps on the way to submission. Whether your immediate goal is getting her to subspace, punishing her, or simply getting her to relax, you will doubtless hit these bumps in the road. Sometimes they are small bumps, things that you notice but don't really hinder the journey. Sometimes they are full-on barriers in the road and you have to stop the car and remove the barrier before you can keep driving.

Some barriers are doubtless in your slave's control. Some of them are probably not; these are the instinctual, emotional, or even habitual responses. Eventually, these can become unlearned, but that will take training and consistency on your part.

Here are some things that can hinder subs from fully submitting:

• Fear. This is at the root of all the other barriers! Whether a sub is stubbornly telling you no, swearing her remorse if you stop caning her, or putting distance between you, they all stem from fear. The question is, what is she afraid of? She may be afraid of being seen as a doormat, being judged, being too sexual, losing her self-identity, being too needy, or any number of things. Sometimes she may not consciously know unless you ask her and make her think about it.




• Stubborness. This is definitely within a sub's control, and represents a basic failure on her part to allow herself to feel "loss of self". You can point out what she is doing and encourage her to let go of herself a bit and acquiese to you.




• Embarrassment. It is almost impossible to relax enough to surrender to another person if a sub is feeling embarrassed, because embarrassment focuses on yourself ("What do I look like? How am I being perceived?") instead of the other person. It is a natural reaction, but one your sub will have to get over to reach fuller submission. You may want to reassure her, distract her, or simply focus her attention back to you.




• Self-consciousness. This is related to embarrassment. If a sub is struggling with insecurity and self-consciousness, it's going to be difficult for her to go into subspace or reach that level after a punishment where she completely surrenders. When my Dom brings my focus back to him, or causes me pain to distract me, it helps me forget about feeling self-conscious.




• Anger. Feeling angry means she's feeling wronged somehow, whether rightly or wrongly. She may feel you are being unfair or unkind. If she is focusing on how wrong you are and how right she is, this gives her a sense of moral power and judgment over you. You may need to talk through the problem and listen to her feelings and validate them. Even if you do not change your original stance (and often you shouldn't!), simply letting her know you understand her feelings and that you have taken them into consideration can help.




• False apologies. This happens a lot right before or during a punishment. Subs will complain and holler, "Not fair!" and come up with a million excuses why they shouldn't be punished and a million ways they will never do it again. Especially if the punishment hurts, she may start apologizing profusely before she means it. I will say that for me, false apologies are not an attempt to be dishonest or lie to my Dom. However, when I'm in so much pain that I'll do anything to stop it, the, "I'm sorries!" just come flying out without me thinking about them because I am desperate to make the pain--which I am honestly sure I could not handle one more ounce of--stop. One solution to this is training in overcoming pain barriers; another is waiting to see if she still demonstrates an actual attitude change once the pain stops.




• Emotional distance. This is a weapon many women have learned when physically overpowering you is impossible. You are bigger and stronger, so you can control her body, but she can shut you out of her mind. This is her attempt to keep some power. Symptoms include sulking, avoiding eye contact, not answering questions, and getting quiet and withdrawn. She may do it when she is overloaded or overwhelmed. Emotional distance is poison for a relationship because it impedes communication, which is vital for reconciliation. Dr. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and its presence in a relationship makes you more vulnerable to divorce.




• Abuse triggers. Things that remind her of past abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, will garner intense physical reactions from her that she probably can't control. She may go completely numb and unmoving, or she may fight you like a tiger. She is not reacting to you; she is reacting to the situation. Abuse victims cannot usually control their reactions; their brains simply react to a perceived threat. Communication is key to understand what her triggers are, why those are triggers, and so that you can recognize the signs. You can also work to devise a plan to work past those triggers or make them less intense when they do occur.

Wait! I didn't add pain to the list! While it is possible for physical pain to jolt a sub out of subspace, it is interesting to note that pain can actually serve to put a sub into subspace. Once my Dom has gotten me to clear my mind and relax, it is often only a centering jolt of pain that I need to send me into subspace. I call it "centering" because it forces all other thoughts and concerns out of my head, and I focus only on one thing. It also makes me go into subspace easier because I find it sexy that he has power over me.

Let's go back to the subject of which of these "barrier to submission" are in your sub's control and which are not. Some are probably conscious choices she makes; others are subconscious decisions she makes and you may need to point out exactly what she's doing before she will realize it and correct the mistake. For instance, I know if I'm being stubborn. It's a conscious choice I make, and I deserve it when my Dom punishes me for it. On the other hand, I often don't realize when I start to bring myself out of subspace because I'm getting embarrassed about acting "too submissive," or when I am forgetting to make a verbal request because I assume he'll read my body language. In those cases, once he points it out to me, I realize what I'm doing and can make the choice to change my behavior.

Other barriers, however, are not in her control. A sub who has been abused cannot control panic attacks brought on by triggering that event. Telling her to relax in that situation will not do any good, because the truth is she can't relax. However, even the most instinctive reactions can be unlearned, with slow and careful navigation on your part, lots of communication, and patience as you train her body to un-learn old reactions and learn new ones.

One reason I like the BDSM idea of "training" over the idea of just going straight to discipline is that it gives the sub time to understand what reactions she is having, how they are affecting the relationship, and what the Dom would prefer she do instead. Training can include punishment, but it is often the final resort, and first the couple is expected to communicate. If my Dom tells me what he wants me to learn, why it's important, and how he wants me to learn it, that gives me time to adjust to a new and unfamiliar pattern of behavior under his guidance and tutorage. He can guide me through days and weeks of learning the new behavior, and punishment is a final resort rather than his first answer to everything.

Describing Subspace

Click here to view my original post on Kinky Sex Link.

Subspace can be scary. Sometimes, as my uber-feminist mother's daughter, I am ashamed to hear myself saying some of those things aloud. Things like, "I'm yours. Fuck me. I want you to come on my chest." It scares me, and makes me wonder who I really am.

My husband just smiles when I tell him this. He thinks that who I am is a sub who just sometimes struggles with her upbringing and training and cultural identity in this gender-equal world.

I can be in different levels of subspace. Sometimes, just reading a good BDSM blog or having a quiet talk with my husband about his plans and hopes for our D/s relationship can put me in a sort of low-key subspace. I don't usually call it subspace, but I will describe myself as "relaxed," "calm," and "in a different headspace." I'm still me, but I feel calmer, like I'm floating in a warm bath. When I come down from this headspace, it's painless and there's no real subdrop, that hated bane of Tops and bottoms alike.

I can also be in mid-level subspace, which is normally where I am during a really good scene. There, I am shameless about telling my husband how submissive I feel. I will kneel at his feet and kiss his legs (of course, I'll feel embarrassed about it later). I will deviously try to get him to make me feel more submissive, asking leading questions like, "Do you like hurting me?... Why?.." But when I come down, there's definitely a subdrop. I'll feel sad and mopey and depressed. I worry a lot about the things I said and did; was I too much of a doormat? What would my mother think if she knew I'd served my husband?

Then there's the rare times I go into deep, deep head-space. It's a euphoric feeling. In this space, I will say yes or okay to anything my husband asks me (which is why I agree with BDSM teachers who say Tops should never ask a bottom to do anything mid-scene that hasn't already been discussed and agreed upon). I am pretty incoherent, floating happily in my head, and it annoys me when my husband expects me to give verbal answers any more complicated than "Yes" or "Uh-huh." I can't say no, so he (correctly) interprets silence as a no; if he says, "Are you okay?" and I don't nod or say "Yes," it means no. I am happy to do whatever he wants, so long as I can keep this divine feeling. And of course, afterward, I feel needy. He needs to hold me and get me water. But the subdrop isn't as bad as it is from my more mid-levels, because my body instinctively understands it can't sustain that intense feeling--I wouldn't be able to function, so eventually I am happy to come drifting down into my Dom's arms and let him hold me, just so long as he doesn't expect me to talk.

What am I like when I'm in subspace?

1. Calm. Normally, I'm a worrier. Anxious... uptight... worried... panicky... all those words would accurately describe me. In subspace, I relax. My mind gets quiet. The worries go away.

2. Quiet. In my normal headspace (some bloggers call this a sub's Top-space), I'm pretty talkative and very opinionated. I can be mouthy and bratty to my Dom, even. Once I enter subspace, that quality dissipates and then fades. I stop talking. I am too busy focusing on how I finally feel relaxed and calm. I will generally only answer my husband's direct questions, and the farther into subspace I go, the shorter and less complicated my answers get. (*As a side note, not all bottoms get quiet... some report getting more verbose!)

3. Dreamy. I feel hazy, foggy, and calm. My Dom says that my eyes sort of glaze over and get hazy, letting him know when I start to feel subby.

4. Actively Submissive. It may sound like an oxymoron to be "actively submissive," but I just mean that I get braver and more aggressive in submitting to my Dom. Instead of waiting for him to give me a command, I will just hop into the shower with him and start soaping him up. I'll offer to iron his shirt or fix him dinner instead of waiting for him to ask. I take a much more active role in submitting, rather than waiting for him to request or order something.

For more good resources on subspace, check out these articles:

My earlier post on describing subspace.

Clarisse Thorn's post on Going Under.

LittleMousling's article on Stage Three: Going Under.

Mistress Steele's Nine Levels of Subspace.

Lady Lubyanka's First Experience with Subspace

For you Dominants out there, I thought I'd share a great blog post I just found: Lady Lubyanka's First Experience with Subspace.

A lot of BDSM and sex toy sites are of a dismally low quality, and I'm quite choosy about which links I share on my blog. Trust me, this one is great. Lady Lubyanka is a great writer and hilarious.

The story is from when she was a new Domme playing for the first time with a male sub. It was her first experience putting a sub into subspace, and I think it's a great learning tool for tops. Enjoy!

Aftercare for Low Blood Sugar or Shock

Aftercare is something many subs, and some tops, need after a scene. A scene can really drain you, physically and emotionally. You can be dehydrated, zoned, in subspace (which is like being high or drunk for me), unable to speak, or just emotionally zapped.

Don't believe it? Trust me. ;)

I've written about some basic aftercare needs on this blog before, including water, rest, warm blankets or towels, and lots of cuddling to reassure needy, insecure feelings. Heck, I've even written about some of our (extremely funny) aftercare mistakes when we were new at all this.

Aftercare is important because both partners can be physically drained after a scene. If there is blood, some Neosporin and clean towels are needed, and if there is stinging skin, a gentle massage or some Aloe Vera. You may also need emotional aftercare, especially if your sub has become a shivering, shaking wreck, is crying, or is so far into happy-fuzzy-subspace land that she can't talk.

My Dom is always good to ask me after a scene if I need water, since the heightened heart rate, extreme emotions, and sweating tussels can leave us both parched. Problem is, he normally asks me right after a scene, when I am still spaced out and want to do nothing more than burrow into my pillow and fall into a long, deep, exhausted, healing sleep. In those cases, I'll often just shake my head and try to go to sleep, not even realizing I'm dehydrated and not really caring if I do.

Sometimes, scenes can actually end up with a partner--usually the bottom--who is in something like shock. Yes, it's possible to die from untreated shock. That's why it's good to play with some extra things beside you BEFORE you start the scene, so you don't have to make a panicked trip to the store with a hyperventilating sub left gasping alone in the bedroom.

Subs after a really intense scene can find it hard to talk. (I do.) So you should know your partner enough to be able to tell when she is dehydrated (listen for sticky, dry sounds when they move their mouth) or dealing with depleted blood sugar.

According to the article Diabetes Mellitus: Its Impact Upon the BDSM Lifestyle, temporarily low blood sugar can occur after really intense physical exertion. A sub with this problem will have cold, clammy skin, bad pallor, dizziness, and eratic behavior. In this case, you want to have these things easily accessible to you:

• orange juice or other juice


• soda


• candy (not chocolate; it takes too long for the body to absorb)

If your partner seems to be going into shock, it could be one of two things: insufficient blood flow to organs and tissue after an emotional or physical trauma. Especially if you are playing with triggers, mild or severe shock is a possibility in BDSM edge play. If your partner has clammy skin, fast but weak pulse, sweating, and rapid, shallowing breathing, she could be going into shock. In this case, you need to give immediate aftercare, give water, elevate the feet, wrap her with warm blankets or towels, and call a doctor or 911.

It's unlikely that your play will elevate into life-threatening shock, but BDSM has that potential. It's best to be prepared. For less serious issues, such as dehydration, mild shock, mild hyperventaliation, or a hazy, dream-like state, you can treat these at home with cool water, warm blankets, soft music, gentle cuddling, tender ministrations, and speaking in a gentle, soothing voice.

Honestly, I've never gone into shock or hyperventilation, but I've needed aftercare. I love the feeling of being in subspace; it's a very happy and hazy place for me. However, my Dom understands that in that state, I can't talk much and I won't be able to safeword or ask for things I need, like water or cuddles. I can nod or shake my head, so he goes by that. He covers me gently with a blanket, curls me up next to him, and holds me, stroking my hair and murmuring quietly to me. For me, it's a wonderful way to come out of a scene and drift into sleep.

The Story of My Domination.... At Last

Yesterday, after writing my exhausting blog on BDSM Identity Crisis, I spent the rest of my day in a funk. I was sad, blue, and gloomy. My husband would never Dom me consistently and I would never be fulfilled. Ba Humbug and the like.

He got home and read the blog. We had dinner (he did BBQ chicken, corn, and potatoes, yum!) and talked about our days. He read the blog again while I read my book. I didn't want him to be mad about what I'd written. I told him writing is just a way for me to express things that I couldn't express otherwise.

Well, a little later, something changed. He turned to me and said, "This is what we're going to do." His voice had changed. It was stronger. He sounded firm and .... bossy.

Something in me, that feminine part of me that yearns to be dominated, was struck. Immediately, defense mechanisms flew into place. I was not going to be hoodwinked into temporary, pretend Dominance again! I want it too much and it hurts too much to lose it. Illogically, I fought hard against the very thing I said I wanted.

I went straight into "child mode." I wouldn't look at him. He took my chin in his hand and refused to keep speaking until I made eye contact. "Look at me," he said, his voice deep and commanding. I whined, whimpered, and tried (childishly) to bury my head into my shoulder. "Look at me," he kept repeating. Finally, I did.

"This is what we're going to do," he said confidently. "You're going to change clothes, do your hair, and we're going to go shopping. You have 15 minutes."

Well, I love shopping. But every part of me was fighting tooth and nail to not be dominated. I stayed in childlike mode. "No!" I whined (I'm surprised I didn't stamp my foot.) "I don't want to go shopping! I can't get ready in 15 minutes! I'm too tired! It's not enough time! You can't boss me around! You didn't even ask me what I wanted to do!"

Luckily, he rose to my unspoken challenge. He confidently told me, "Now you have 14 minutes. You're wasting time."

I kept whining, throwing every reason possible at him. He ignored them all and kept counting down the time. "You have 12 minutes left," he said calmly.

Huffing, I flounced to the bathroom and got ready, still pouting and whining under my breath. In my mind, I decided I would get ready too slowly and be a minute or two late. He would never notice, not punish me, and I would win. Inside, I was excited and happy he was doing this. But I wasn't through testing him yet. (I guess I was in a really bratty mood!)

We got ready and I did my hair and makeup. As I did, I started feeling better already. No wonder I'd been so mopey, sitting around the house in my PJs with no hair and makeup done. I turned before my eyes into an attractive young woman, someone my husband could be proud to take out. I childishly wanted him to be happy with me, to think I was pretty. Still, on the outside I pouted. "What are you going to do to me if I'm not ready?" I challenged.

"For every minute you're late, I'm giving you 10 spanks," he replied calmly. I thought about that for a minute. I wanted to push him more and test him, but he was being strangely confident. I was afraid he would actually do it, and I don't like being spanked. I decided I could let him win this one.

Ten minutes later, I was ready and in the car. I was dressed and looking the way he wanted me to. I was excited I was getting dominated, but my face still wore a pout and I was still tes0ting my limits. Would this new domination last? Or would I be able to push past him and "win"? Much as I wanted him to win, I didn't want it to be an easy fight. Like a true brat, I wanted to test his resolve. Would he insist on getting his way no matter what? I got poutier and poutier thinking about it, but I loved it. The relaxation of being told what to do... not having to make decisions... of knowing you're pleasing because you're wearing exactly what he told you to and doing exactly what he wants. Ahhhh happiness.

He put me in the car with the air running and walked to his car. He returned with one of my favorite headbands, a black sparkly thing with a huge crystal flower on it. "This was in my car, and I want you to wear it today," he told me, still sounding firm and calm and terribly sexy. I decided (sigh) to test this one, too.

"Whyyyy??" I whined, my lower lip actually sticking out.

"Because it will look pretty, and I want you to wear it," he said. Yum. I was getting everything I wanted. My clit gets tight remembering his confidence now, a day later. But was it real? Or some facade for my benefit after the blog? I pushed more to find out.

"You can't make me," I whined petulantly, sounding for all the world like a spoiled little girl and not like the educated, professional woman I am. "What will you do if I don't?"

In a voice firm as the earth, he said decisively, "If it's not on by the convenience store, I'm turning this car around and giving you 25 hard spanks." Part of me wasn't sure he meant it, but part of me was afraid he was. He seemed so... sure. I'm not used to such decision from him, but today he had it. Even on small things, like my clothes and what headband to wear, he had orders and he was going to get them carried out. If he had shown weakness, or not threatened to punish me, I would have pushed more. As it was, I whined and pushed the thing on my head. I was torn between a feeling of "unfair!" and "Oh yessss finally." I loved it but I hated it. He turned, saw the headband perched atop my hair, and laughed maniacally. He had won, and we both knew it.

He let me pick where we went shopping, and he held my hand. Instead of taking it like he normally does in public, like a vanilla husband, he took it possessively, like he owned me and was parading me around for his pleasure. I shivered inside with happiness. It is often a problem in our BDSM relationship, that I want to be bossed around on all the small, tiny things that happen all day, whereas he only wants to enforce the big things. To me, having my choice taken away on all the millions of small things a day is a heavenly release. I have an anxiety disorder in the worst way, and even small decisions like what to do, what to wear, how to wear my hair, and how to serve him a beer worry me. When he commands me a certain way to do it, and punishes me when I don't obey completely, that takes so much worry and anxiety out of my life. I can melt into his strength and have those decisions taken care of for me. It's like a guarantee that I'll be pleasing, since I'm doing exactly what he says. What a relief!

We went shopping, and he didn't do anything terribly bossy. He let me pick the stores and what clothes to wear, but he also was involved and picked out a few pieces he wanted me to try on as well. He carried my bags and paid for my purchases. I thanked him. When I was tired, he led me back to the car, opened all my doors, and started the engine. We drove around forever, trying to find a tropical snow stand. We finally found one. I let him order for me (Tiger's Blood, medium) and pay for us both. I love when he orders for me at restaurants and stores. It makes it clear to everyone that he is in charge, and it takes so much anxiety off my shoulders when I don't have to deal with strangers. It was a beautiful summer night, and I was happy.

I started getting a bit cocky, since he hadn't done anything overtly "dominating" for a few hours. I thought perhaps he'd slipped back into regular vanilla space for us. I got mouthy and hit him. Immediately, he grabbed my hand and pushed hard into the pressure point where my sunburn is. None of the families around us had a clue what just happened, but I was adequately punished. I smacked him again, and he did it again. Still trying to "win," I smacked him and then quickly hid my hand. I thought he would give up eventually and stop trying to punish me if I could wear him out.

He didn't.

Finally I had to give in. I sulked a while, and my hand hurt, but I loved it. I felt so controlled and loved. He hadn't let me get away with anything, even when it was difficult and more work for him. I felt boundaries closing in on me and relaxed. We enjoyed our Tropical Snows and the beautiful weather. We drove home and finished them on the front porch, then went inside.

We read a bit of an article I like that describes the 5 levels of subspace. We talked about me in subspace... first I get defiant, then whiny, then obedient. Once I hit the dreamy, obedient stage, he knows I'm in subspace. I hadn't been there in so long, maybe a year, and I missed it! It is so relaxing and wonderful. I told him I felt he never let me stay there long enough before bringing me out. In that mindset, I feel so needy and clingy it is ridiculous. He is my world and what he thinks is all I care about. I am deadened to pain and feel completely relaxed, almost disengaged from my body. I want to please him. I am nothing but relaxation and horniness and submission. He said that he's noticed when I get there, I don't speak, and can only handle yes or no questions. I guess that is true, because I just get so dreamy.

There is a spot on my neck that makes me relax and slip into subspace. Having it bitten or sucked makes me limp, like those tigers you see on the nature channel who bite the back of the female tiger's neck to keep her submissive while he takes her. He bit me there, again and again. I moaned and I lay there. I started to worry I would get annoying or too heavy, laying there with all my weight in his arms, head hanging off to the side.

He picked me up and pushed me against the wall. He kept biting me, and I was afraid to let go and slide to the floor. I didn't want to annoy him, so I tried to keep enough presence of mind to stand up straight. He bit me, kissed me, and savagely pushed me against the wall. I moaned and moaned. He pushed his knee up into my groin and I felt myself get wet all over my panties and pants. I longed for him to dry hump me there against the wall. I wanted it so much I was whimpering, but I didn't have the words to tell him what I wanted.

The rest of it is a bit of a hazy blur for me. We went into the bedroom, where I slipped out of my clothes and lay there, expectant, feeling the cold sheets bite sharply into my skin. He joined me and bit me some more. My neck started to get tender and it started to hurt in a bad way, jolting me out of subspace instead of sending me further in. He stopped and started touching my body. He rolled me over and fingered me from behind, with me laying flat on my stomach. Ohhhhh. He touched a spot deep within me, it was so wonderful it was almost too much, and I thought I would die if he kept doing it. Which he did. I spasmed around his fingers, and he kept pushing into me. I was his. Oh, I was his.

We finished off with the vibrator, which was good but not as wonderful as his fingers inside me, stroking me into oblivion. Nothing beats the emotional pull of skin-on-skin contact. I lay there, trembling, and he held me for a while before commanding me to give him a hand job. I did, even with my sunburned hand, because I was so hazy and deep that the whole thing seemed a blur. It seemed to take him forever, but finally he came, and we washed up and headed to bed. I was worried for a bit that he was bored with my orgasm and that's why he wanted one, but he told me it wasn't because he wanted one, but because he wanted to see me give him one. That made me feel even more controlled and dominated, and I drifted to a happy sleep, where I had dreams that we were having sex and I was grinding on his cock, always wanting more.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'd like to order more of that, every day, all the time. Domination = happy sub. Thank you.

Making a Sub Submit

A discussion I've started on Fetlife is about how to make someone submit. I'm very curious to know more about this topic.

A lot of people have trouble with the idea of "making" a sub (or slave) submit, because BDSM is, of course, completely consensual and voluntary. So if you start to force someone to submit who doesn't want to, some people fear it becomes abuse and no longer consensual BDSM.

Well, while I see that, I'm not sure I always agree. In my "regular" mentality, I'm a total control freak. That powerhouse of a woman I am would not dream of letting my fiance boss me around, especially since in regular life I feel I'm the more capable of the two of us. I know what needs to be done and I do it, or I remember errands that need to be run and I have to be in charge of reminding him to do them. Now, I'd love to be in a situation where my fiance was in charge all the time, but that's just not the way we are. I'm a control freak, a perfectionist, and a driven force of nature, and he's more laid back.

So until I'm in my "sub" mentality, I don't let go. Oh, it's not that I don't want to! But I'm a strong, capable woman, and I'm not about to let go of the reins until I know he can be trusted with them. So I hold on to them with a death grip until he forces them out of my hand. If he can't force them out of my hand, I know (for right now) I'm still the stronger one and I need to be the one in control. This is not a great thing about me, but it is true; I struggle with submitting!

At the same time, I have no desire to be the Domme. I yearn for a man who is in control, in charge, and powerful all the time. Someone who can force me into subspace with a glance or a certain tone. Someone who can remind me of my place and that's it's behind him, not out in front crusading and leading the way. I'm simply not sexually interested at all in a man who is a sub to my Domme.

Well, this sometimes gives me trouble. I want to submit, but I don't want to submit!

Welcome to being a woman, I guess. :)

Some fellow sub-women on Fetlife seem to be able to just give away control easily. I admire them and envy them. However, it is not in my nature to give up leadership to someone who is less fit for it than I am--I live my life by strict principles of what is just and right. If you want to lead, you have to earn it. If you want to lead me, you have to do a better job at it than I would. Otherwise, what glory is there in your position of "Dom"? It isn't real, it isn't something either of us can respect, and we are both just living a lie.

Now sometimes, my fiance becomes my Dom. He doesn't seem to really be sure how he does it, because he can't do it on command---it just happens or it doesn't. (This is frustrating to both of us!) I've tried to explain to him how he does it. He just seems.... so much more confident. He doesn't bully me or use control in a bad way. But on the other hand, he isn't laid back or passive. He sometimes hits this perfect balance of domination that just works for us. He is calm, confident, and manly. He is gentle, stern, guiding, and self-aware. He doesn't boss me around, but in his requests I hear an underlying manliness that makes me know they aren't just requests.

I love this state. I love how it makes me feel. I love that then I feel more relaxed, more feminine. You see, I don't like to be in control all the time. I would prefer to have a manly, strong, formiddable, gentle man--like in the books--to lean on for decisions, to get things done, to match my own fiery personality and drive in life. Sometimes my fiance does this, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I really crave it, and I whine and sulk because "we aren't doing BDSM enough." I complain that "I'm sexually bored." Of course, this tends to make him defensive and me critically and nagging. We end up arguing about whose fault it is---mine for being too picky or his for being too uncreative in bed---which, of course, is totally against the Bible. After all, our faith tells us:

"As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18).

Nagging, criticism, and bickering over sex-- the one thing God designed to be perfectly uniting and selfless---it totally not what two Christians should be doing. Yet sometimes we find ourselves there.

So can you make a submissive submit? In my opinion, what I want my fiance to do is NOT abuse. If a man or woman MADE someone submit when they didn't want to, that would be abuse. But in my heart of hearts, I want to submit. I yearn to be pushed forcibly into subspace where I can relax and know that the man who loves me is in charge of everything and will take care of me. But I don't trust him or anyone else enough to just go to such a place of submission and lack of control unless I know they can be trusted to take care of me once I'm there. I have to have it proved to me.

In the end, what I want is a fight---and I want to lose. I want to fight him, tooth and nail, so that when I am finally defeated, I know it was a real defeat, not simply that I pretended to fight and then bowed down to an undeserving adversary. I want someone worth his salt, someone who can make me submit, someone who compels me to be submissive by the very fact that he is so dominating. I know some kinksters would not agree with me on this, and say a sub must submit voluntarily.

But that is not something I know how to do.

Submission through God

Yesterday, my Dom and I were having a talk about God, sex, BDSM, and the Bible.



Yes, all those topics were the same conversation.



Well, I'm that type of female who gets more turned on by talking then by doing. I've always been this way. I can read and research some BDSM technique for days and get far more hot than if my Dom had actually done it to me. I get more turned on by him whispering into my ear the things he wants to do to me than by actually doing the physical things themselves---just ask him sometime about a train ride in France. (It took us two hours to get home, and since we were on a train we settled for talking about what he wanted to do to me and writing down nasty names for him to call me. The end result was that, after all that talking, I was so incredibly turned on that I came immediately upon being touched once we got home, and that NEVER happens just from physical stimulation!)



We were discussing the difference in submission for a Christian woman as opposed to a sub or slave from a different religion. I was trying to share with him that, for me, it might be easier if he used terminology such as ezer, doule, handmaiden, and helpmeet, because those are terms that bear directly to my life and that I'm familiar with and comfortable with. Those are terms that mean something to me, terms I'm friends with and know what to do with, terms I've been acquainted with for years and already incorporated into my self-identity and my faith. On the other hand, terms such as sub, slave, Master, and submit, when taken in their purely secular forms, are fairly new to me and I struggle more with them.



I'd never thought about this before. But I knew that often, I had trouble "submitting." Other women who are subs or slaves seemed to do it so easily, just casting aside their "self" and submitting to a man. As a secular woman, this is foreign to me. I'm smart, educated, savvy, well-traveled, and self-confident. I struggled so much with casting aside myself just for the benefit of my equally imperfect, equally human Dom.



But to submit through Christ.... ahh, that was a concept I could sink my teeth into! To submit not as a secular woman, but as a Christian woman, a beloved of Christ, a handmaiden of the Lord, a servant and daughter of the One True God---that, I could do. It had never occurred to me until I read a blog by a fellow Christian submissive woman (more on that later), but once I read it, something clicked.



My Dom and I retired to bed and he "squished my head" (one of my most frequent requests, because I love to feel confined and safe) while I felt as safe as I needed to and he waited. When I was ready, I began to explain to him my new thoughts and revelations. I halting explained that while as a secular woman, submission was foreign, new, and unpracticed for me, if he could make me see that submission as linked to our faith, a new facet of submission would be opened to us. I told him that submitting to him, not because he's a man or a Dom, but because he's my spiritual head, caretaker of my soul, and the one responsible for my wellbeing and that of my children---that kind of submission, submission not to him but to God through him, that kind of submission I could do.



And as we talked and I opened my heart and he received it, I started to feel good. I began to get turned on.... I started to feel calm, drowsy, and dreamy, a welcome return to subspace after a frustrating inability to reach it for months and months... I started to feel closer to God than I had in a while and subsequently, closer to him. I suddenly realized that it had been struggle for me to try to reconcile being a kinster and a Christian, two identities I'd tried to keep separate but also tried to force together like two opposing magnets. And the struggle melted away as I realized I didn't have to be two opposing identities, but one complementary one: a Christian submissive. Not a secular submissive who also tried to be Christian, but a Christian submissive.



To submit to my Dom because he said so? Difficult. But to submit to my Dom the way I'd submitted before to my God, not because a human told me to but because my Lord and God called me to it in Ephesians 5:22? That I could do. I felt at peace, I felt loved, and I felt calm and turned on.



The most beautiful scene ensued.



I'm not sure how it happened; I asked my Dom how he read me so well and he said, "I just did." He couldn't explain it, but suddenly he seemed to be so much more in tune with me than normal. Usually, I feel like I'm in the scene wanting one thing, and he's doing the scene another way. Today, something in the air clicked.



I felt dreamy and like I wanted to submit to him. I wanted to submit to him because I loved him and because I loved God. Rather than him having to fight and force me into submission, I laid there, calm and serene. I felt needy and vulnerable, so I was unhappy when he tried to force me to do things; I wanted him to treat me gently like the husband in Ephesians 5:25-28. And so he was commanding, but not bossy; strong, but not forceful. He told me simply what he wanted and asked me to please do it. He stated his desires clearly: "I want you to bare your breasts to me. I want to use these clamps and I want you to hurt." His words turned me on even more as I dreamily obeyed and bared my most sensitive parts to his pain.



The metal chain was cold on my chest. I felt sexy with the chain dripping down between my nipples. I felt strong as I withstood the pain. I felt loved as he hurt me in ways I wanted to be hurt. I felt victorious as I took the pain for him and knew that this pleased him. I felt obedient as I thought about my Dom leading me to the Lord as my appointed spiritual head on Earth. I felt grateful that he wanted to hurt me and lead me in all the ways I wanted.



He gently turned me over and began to spank me. Feeling as calm and relaxed as I did, the paddle did not hurt as much as it had before, and I was able to take the pain and absorb it. Somehow, he read me perfectly. Sometimes I had to take deep breaths and remind myself not to tense up and fight the pain, but mostly I stayed calm and limp. In between spanks he rubbed my back and told me how great I was doing, how strong I was, and how pleased with me he was. It made me happy in the most frivolous way, and I beamed as I enjoyed my wondeful back massage.



The next time he spanked me, it felt good. Instead of raising the intensity each spank like he normally did, he got me to a new place--a wonderful place on the perfect knife's edge balance between pleasure and pain, a place where I moaned with pleasure as I absorbed the pain--and kept me there. He maintained the same level of strikes, and he could have stayed there forever and I'd have been happy. Instead, he raised the level a bit more to push me. He must have felt very connected to me, because just when the pain was becoming too much and I started to think that one more was going to be too much, he stopped.



We stayed that way, alternating between spanks and back rubs, until it was time to go pick a friend up from the airport.



I felt so dreamy and safe during that scene. I wanted him to keep feeding my spiritual, submissive side, talking about BDSM and the Bible and Godly submission on the way to the airport. Instead, life cut in and I had to come back out of my head, start thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning again. I wistfully wished I could go back to our bedroom and my "safe place."



I hope this is a new beginning for me and for us.... a new journey, not struggling toward the unachievable secular submission, but now flowing toward a Godly submission commanded by the Bible, inspired by Christ Jesus, and directed toward God and my Dom.... first to and through the human, and ultimately to the Lord.

How to Tell When a Sub Has Had Too Much

How do you tell when a sub has had too much? This can be difficult to maneuver until you are more familiar with that particular sub's version of subspace and how he or she acts in a scene.

In subspace, a sub is like a different person. Well, at any rate, I know this is true for me. I cannot speak for other bottoms! When I am feeling "subby," I go from disobeying, being a brat, acting ornery, and evil laughs to quiet, dreamy, obedient, and eager to please. I may move slower and with less purpose, but that is because I feel dreamy and confused, not because I'm trying to annoy or disobey. Be sure you give a sub extra time and patience during this time. If she is trying to obey, but seems confused or listless, don't mistake it for disobedience. Just give her a gentle reminder or more specific instructions.

A happy sub will float, dream, obey, smile, and look at your adoringly. If you have an obedient, smiling sub, you are on the right track.

A sub who is nearing her limits will frown, clench her teeth or fists, furrow her brow, and whine. She may shake her head or appear confused. A whiny, complaining sub is not happy. I know that I tend to get whiny when my Dom does not accomodate for my switch from "regular space" to subspace. One minute I was fighting him tooth and nail for control, and the next I hear his voice get commanding and I go to my happy place. In this mood, I am moody and needy. Calling me names, talking down to me, or being harsh or demanding may turn me on other times, but not in this mood. If I perceive that he is being too harsh, unfair, or too "mean," I start to scowl and my voice gets whiny and plaintive.

A perfect example of things that make me feel hurt and wronged while in subspace:

• "Are you going to do it or just stand there?!" (I'm going, but I'm slow because I feel dreamy!)

A better alternative would be: "Baby girl, did you hear me?" or "Do you need help?"

• "You're a bad girl." (I'm trying to be good!)

Instead, try, "You're such a good little sub. You're so deliciously bad."

• "You're a dirty whore." (Insults may turn me on most times, but not when I am trying so hard to please you.)

Try something like, "You're Daddy's precious little whore, aren't you?" or just a simple, "You're so dirty. I love you."

If you are pushing a sub too much--visible when she frowns, cries, or whines--it is possible she is not disobeying, but simply can't think on a complex level right then. I am an incredibly analytical person, a fast thinker, and decisive; I am also highly educated. However, in subspace my brain slows down. I can't think quickly or about anything too complex; I am more like a zombie who can only obey.

A sub may be able to infer or break down a complex command on her own in real life, but in sub space you may need to help her. If you give a command and she doesn't follow it, be sure she is really disobeying before you punish her.

If your command has many steps involved, try breaking it down and giving it to her in smaller, simpler steps, the way you would a child. Instead of, "Serve me dinner," try smaller commands like, "Go into the kitchen. Now get out two plates and put them on the table. Good. Now set out two glasses filled with ice. Very nice. Now can you bring me two forks and two knives? That's my good girl."

If your command is very simple and she still doesn't follow it, the sub may be thinking through it. Perhaps you have pushed a limit you didn't know about, or are nearing a limit. Perhaps she does not want to perform the task for some reason (it seems gross, she is too embarrassed, she doesn't want to leave your side, etc.). Watch the sub, and if she begins to frown, shake her head, or cry, check to make sure she is okay and not being coerced into something she doesn't want.

Remember, if you are playing the Top for a scene, it is your responsibility to keep both of you safe. Be gentle with a sub in subspace, get to know your sub, and be vigilant to make sure you have not pushed her too far.

Subspace and Subdrop--Warning! May Increase Pleasure!

We have written on this topic before, but only from a very distant, theoretical approach. I am writing now from a personal point of view.

I was just in and out of sub space less than an hour ago. My Dom had to leave to go to work, so I am left now, thinking dreamily about him. Luckily he was able to provide sufficient aftercare before he left that I am feeling fine. While I can get out of hardcore subspace in a few minutes, I'm finding it takes minutes and hours to completely come back to reality. It is like I have been asleep, and it takes me several hours to completely lose the groggy feeling.

Since I am pretty new to subspace, I thought I might help out fellow subs by describing how it feels for us newbies. I've heard there is a different type of subspace, brought on by an endorphin high after pain, and I've never tried that; this subspace is completely emotional.

Experienced BDSMers talk about subspace as though the rest of us should know what it is. But how do we newbies know? Honestly, the first few times I was in subspace, I didn't realize what it was. I just knew I felt very obedient for a while. I can best describe it now as an altered state of consciousness, similar to what you get from other altered states of consciousness: being drunk, doing pot, sleeping, dreaming, undergoing hypnosis.

How do you know when you are in subspace? For me, it feels very dreamy. My Dom describes me as saying I seem "zombie-like," although I prefer "dreamy"--much better image, no? :) As a sub, you will go from feeling quite normal and maybe even rather bratty and having a lot of fight in you, to suddenly very quiet, docile, and obedient. I'm a very mouthy, opinionated, independent, strong woman normally---but when my Dom puts me in subspace (usually by yelling at me or speaking sternly to me, like I'm a small child), I change completely. Suddenly I am obedient to everything he says. It doesn't occur to me to fight with him or argue with him. I am incredibly sensitive during this time. Things that usually turn me on, like insulting me or calling me names, will utterly devastate me in this mood. I feel like a dreamy, obedient slave, doing everything he says without question (or at least with minimal whining!). He is suddenly my entire focus of being, and without him to give me a command I would probably just sit dumbly and wait. Things that in "normal space" I would not do or find gross/embarrassing, I do without question now because he wants it. I feel needy and sensitive, and want 100% to please him, which is why any insults, harsh words, dirty talk, or hint of being angry at me or disappointed in me will send me into a spiral of depression.

I love being in subspace! It is a welcome relief from the stresses of the world. I am normally so busy being my Dom's equal, worrying about life and family and friends and maintaining a relationship, being a good worker and Christian and maintaining healthy balances and hobbies and interests. I am a go-getter, an achiever, and driven. Suddenly that all goes away, and I feel numb and dreamy, and nothing exists in the world but my Dom. It is all so wonderfully simple. I want to please him, and I am 100% in touch with my base instincts at that moment---stripped bare of society and pretenses, I am a needy, clingy little girl and at the same time a completely sexual, horny, bottomless pit of sexual desire I want him to fill. All the facades have been stripped away, and I am stripped to the core of my being for those moments: serving him and getting sex.

It is a highly addictive feeling! I find I crave it more the more I experience it.

Of course, what is not fun is coming out of subspace. This is called subdrop. Once I orgasm, or when he quietly says, "Okay, Pretty Girl, come back out soon," I know to start heading back toward reality. Once he says that, he just needs to wait quietly for me to drift out on my own. But then I sort of crash. I am overwhelmed with an entirely irrational paranoia that I do not please him. I get sensitive, sad, clingy, needy, and whiny. I ask him again and again if he is happy, if I annoy him, does he mind I'm being needy?, etc, etc, etc. No matter how many times he reassures me, I still keep asking. Luckily for me my Dom is incredibly patient and has never once gotten annoyed at this irrational and somewhat infuriating behavior. He normally just laughs and enjoys it, seeing it as one more way he has power over me. He will reassure me endlessly, answering and re-answering the same questions as long as I need him to. This is our version of aftercare.

Every sub is different during subspace and subdrop, and I can only speak for myself. The closest feeling to being in subspace is the feeling of doing pot, and the closest analogy for subdrop is having a really depressed, needy day. Subspace is fantastic; subdrop is not.

Even though I'm enough out of subspace to function normally after only a few seconds or minutes, the feeling drifts with me for several more minutes or hours. I've heard of other subs during this time who wrote incredibly personal, needy emails to their Doms, only to regret it hours later when they felt normal! Suddenly I understand that, as in this mood I find myself wanting to express my undying adoration of him, but most of the time, in our regular lives as a Christian couple, I just want to smack him for not being more perfect! LOL.

If you happen to find yourself feeling numb and wanting nothing more than serve your Dom, congratulations.... you're in subspace. If you're a Dom who has the pleasure of a sub who is ready and willing to serve your every whim, enjoy the pampering and power you receive during this time. And if you're not there yet, keep playing BDSM, and eventually it will just happen. Trust me. It did for me.

Code Words to Begin a Scene

If you are not in a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship 24/7, it might be a good idea to have a set of code words the two of you know mean, "I want to begin a scene now." As the Dom (or Domme, or Daddy/Mommy, or whatever...), you are in charge of the scene. You will decide when you want to begin it and end it. Your sub can't read your mind, and may not react kindly to being bossed around in real life if he doesn't know you want a scene to begin. So it is best to have some words or phrases that let your sub know when you choose to begin dominating.

Author F.R.R. Mallory describes a sub who is going about her regular day when the Dom decides he wants to begin a scene:

This space occurs when the Dominant in the relationship directs attention at the
submissive. This may be a glance, a light touch, a small sound or any
combination of these triggers. This marginal appearing contact drops the
submissive out of top space into a state of waiting and/or listening for
command. She stops. Generally she will cease talking even in the midst of a
comment. She may stop moving. She will generally attempt direct eye contact with
her Dominant to see if he/she has a direction or command for her. If nothing
further occurs she will most likely re-top. Or, go back to full functional top
space. If the Dominant mentally presses...she will generally descend further
into space.

The more you practice being a Dom, the better you get at it. At first, your sub may have a hard time getting into subspace. But as you get her there more often, it will become easier to get her there. Every time you get her there, you are conditioning her to go there. Eventually, you may just have to say a certain word or give her a certain look and she will start to get dreamy and obedient. (If you enjoy a good mental fight before you get your sub there, you will want to avoid giving her a particular look or phrase, because she will start to go to subspace quickly if you do!) I know the more I experience subspace, the easier it is to slip into it the next time--so if you want a quickly obedient and willing slave, practice makes perfect!

Like any training, you have to be consistent. You can train your sub to slip into subspace without her ever noticing. Every time you begin a scene, pick a certain phrase. Or, have a pet name you only call her during scenes. Her brain will subconsciously pick up on this. Soon, once you say the phrase or call her the name, she will stop what she is doing and make eye contact with you, waiting for a command. If you give it, she will probably go down into subspace.

What phrases or code words can you use? The best idea is probably to have a pet name for her you only use during scenes. Names have a particular way of affecting us. I've noticed during a fight, my Dom can say my name several times and I will keep ranting, but once he quietly says, "Pretty Girl!" (his non-BDSM pet name for me), I pause and wait for him to talk. Using that name makes me mentally pause and calm down. The same can be true for a BDSM name.

You can pick any number of pet names for your sub. Just make sure you use it lots and lots during a scene, and never use it outside a scene. This way your sub will associate it with going into subspace and obeying you. Once the sub is trained and used to this, all you have to do is use this name at the mall or during a party and your sub will look at you, start to feel submissive, and wait for a command. What fun for you! :)

Here are some pet name ideas. They can be related to BDSM or not, just make sure your sub only associates them with scenes and obeying.

• my pet
• my love
• servant
• slave
• Girl/Boy
• slut (use a foreign language for dirty words if you don't feel comfortable using them in public places)
• whore
• bitch
• Baby Girl/Boy
• Daddy's little girl
• Mommy's little boy
• My servant
• honey
• sweetie
• babe, baby, baby doll
• Freckles
• Dimples
• Chubby
• Blue Eyes
• my darling

So a scene might begin like this: if your sub isn't expecting a scene, you know you need to warn her you want something. You whisper in her ear, "My little slavegirl, go get me a drink, please," or "Freckles. Do you hear me? Listen and obey, Freckles. Please go to the restroom and touch yourself for 5 minutes." If you chose any name that is only used for the sub during a scene, she will know what you want and to obey!

If you don't want to use a pet name, a touch, glance, or code phrase will work. A light touch on the small of the back is often a very controlling guesture no one else will notice. Your sub will straighten up and look at you for more direction. You can whisper in her ear that she is turning you on and you want to begin a scene now. Even in public, you can whisper a command in her ear and enjoy her obedience while no one else knows. Example: At a fancy business dinner, you lightly touch her lower back. Since you only do this to begin scenes, she looks at you, surprised. You whisper: "Go get me a drink, my love." Obedient and surprised, she nods, and hurries off to do your bidding. No one else knows! :) You can have fun seeing how far you can get her to go in public without questioning your authority.

A code phrase, such as, "This is what I want," "Do not disobey me," or "You don't want to disappoint me, do you?" will also work. These can be used in public or private. Just make sure you always begin a scene this way, and your sub will quickly associate the phrase with descending into subspace and obeying your every whim.

Of course, conditioning works in other ways, too. If every time she disobeys, you quietly say, "Don't test me, Green Eyes," and then give her a sound beating or punishment, soon all you will have to say is, "Don't test me, Green Eyes," and she will hurry to do your bidding!

The more you train your sub, the easier it will be to control her. Be consistent, be consistent, be consistent. Subs, like puppies and children, can be trained---just be firm, be merciless, and be consistent. Happy training!

Advanced Safety for BDSM

Sometimes, safewords don't work. This can be because someone is too into the scene to even be aware they're being hurt and need to stop (endorphins are that powerful!), are too scared to safeword, or don't feel comfortable stopping you if they think you want it.

So how do you make sure that BDSM stays safe, sane, and consenual if your partner gets into a place where he can't or won't safeword?

This is where advanced safety comes into play.

Solution One: Stoplight codes. Rather than just have one safeword that means, "STOP NOW!", sometimes a little warning for the Dom to slow things down or try a different tact can save a scene. Don't wait til it gets so bad you can't take it. Periodically check in with each other to see how the scene is going. "Green" means "Great, I'm loving it, keep going!," while "yellow" means "Proceed with caution, I'm not sure about this, you're hurting me, we need to slow down or back up," and "red" obviously means "Too much, stop now!"

Solution Two: nonverbal signals. Agree upon a nonverbal way to check in with each other. One great idea as a top is to grab your partner's hand (or whatever) and give a firm squeeze. If everything is a-okay, your partner squeezes back. No squeeze, or a squeeze delivered after some hesitation, lets you know you need to stop, back up, or slow down.

Solution Three: Know, know, know your sub. A sub who is so high on endorphins she can't feel pain may beg you to keep going long after it is safe for her! Or, a sub who has gotten so into role that he now believes it is real will be too frightened to safeword, even if you ask if he's okay. The top must be hypervigilant during scenes! If your sub's skin starts to look red or chapped, stop, even if they complain. If your sub seems tuned out, frightened, tense, or upset, stop the scene. Make sure the coherent adult, not an endorphin-drunk, horny bottom or a terrified, panicking sub is the one answering you when you ask if she's okay. You can't trust what a sub in subspace says, so use your own judgement and make sure you don't do anything your sub will hate you for later.

Above all: when in doubt, stop! You can always try again another day.

Training Your Sub (A Submissive's Perspective)

*Note: Labels for this post are highlighted in purple.

How, you ask, could a sub ever know how to train another sub? Well, for one thing, most subs are switches, which means they only sub part of the time. For another, only we subs know exactly what makes our brains tick, what makes us want to kill you, and what makes us want to kiss your feet. And third, I'm only a sub in the bedroom: I spend my adult life as a teacher, mentor, and tutor, so I have lots of leadership training. Training your sub is no different than being a parent or teacher: you have to be consistent, you have to be fair, and your sub needs to know you have his best interests in mind.

If you are just too "toppy" to ever learn from a sub, you can find my Dom's post on the same topic here.

In no particular order, here are my suggestions. Follow them, and you and your sub will develop a lifelong, happy partnership of amazing scenes, growing intimacy, and pleasure, pain, torture, whips, and orgasm.

Know What You Want

Confidence is key! Subs need to feel you know what you are doing and we can trust you completely. Even if you are unsure, fake it. Nothing is less sexy than a Dom who stops in the middle of berating you to anxiously ask, "Is this okay?" Have a definite goal in mind for your scene and know how you plan to carry it out. Have a backup plan, too, just in case you happen to be one of my many human readers and can't guarantee perfection.

Know exactly what you want your sub to learn: a specific "I want him to serve my tea at this temperature, in this mug, with this much cream and sugar" is much easier for you to communicate and your sub to grasp than "I want my tea done right." If you tell your sub, "Lie down!" this leaves us a lot of room for confusion. However, "Lie down on the floor, with your hands folded over your head and your legs spread apart" is a much easier command for us to follow, since we know what you want.

Be Firm

This relates back to confidence. So many Doms and Dommes are afraid to be too firm or they might hurt our feelings. Trust me, if we didn't crave you having this sort of power over us, we wouldn't do BDSM! Depending on the scene, you may want to change it up from a stern tone, to a soft murmur, to a shouted command, to an angry directive, but no matter how you choose to boss us around, be firm! "Um.... lie on the floor....?" won't get even the most submissive of subs turned on, and for most of us, who want you to earn our submission and will fight you tooth and nail for it, showing weakness just won't cut it. We need you to be the mean, scary jerks of our nightmares, wrenching control from us and rewarding us with pleasure beyond our dreams. Weakness has no place in BDSM!

Give Immediate Feedback

This is the most basic rule of parenting, teaching, or training. Feedback needs to be immediate. Did your sub do something right? Praise her for it. If you are playing the role of the sweet, caring Mommy or Daddy, this might be easy, but even the meanest rapist/torturer can growl out, "Yeah, that's a good little slut, you f**ing liked that, didn't you?" If positive feedback will ruin your scene, wait til aftercare time.

Immediate feedback is especially crucial when we do something wrong. This may shock you, but normally if we do something wrong, we did it on purpose to test you. Yes, your perfect little angel is just pushing your limits, seeing what she can get away with, and how much you really want to control her. So hesitation kills your scene. You must respond immediately. Don't threaten, just do. Slap harder than she likes, or spank hard with a paddle he doesn't actually enjoy. Never threaten, and never go easier on your sub than you say you will. That just tells us you're too nice/weak and we can walk all over you, then wriggle out of punishment next time. Needless to say, that is not the kind of sub you want.

Bottom

No matter how "toppy" you are, you're not too good to bottom. In fact, the authors of The New Topping Book suggest that every top should play bottom. This is how you learn to top. In this position, you learn what you like, what your sub feels like during scene, and how to improve your own topping and aftercare skills. Feel you're too good to bottom? Get a reality check and a serious ego de-booster. You're not ready to top til you're humble enough to learn by doing. This also gives your honey a great way to show you what she secretly wishes you'd do to her, without hurting your feelings or making things awkward with a "you're a terrible lover" conversation. Both parties learn more by experiencing the challenges and thrills of a new position.

Push the Limits

BDSM is all about pushing limits. If there's ever anything I don't like, it's men who don't push my limits. It's okay to push your partner's limits, even when they are scared, angry, or frightened: that's what safewords are for! If we really need to stop, we can safeword, or you can ask us, "Are you okay?" and we can nod or shake our heads. But usually, I play BDSM so I can be pushed outside of my comfort zone, kicking and screaming, and conquer those parts of me that I most fear.

Know Your Sub

Okay, so sometimes subs get too scared, distracted, or incoherent to safeword. So, know your sub. Talk talk talk about scenes outside the bedroom! EVERY scene you try should be completely discussed before and after. Check in during aftercare, again a few hours or days later, and learn about your sub's reactions to what you did. This way, when he is in subspace, you can better care for him. Or, if she becomes too frightened to safeword, you can read her body signals and know it is time to stop and comfort her. The better you read your sub's nonverbal signals, body language, and facial expressions, the safer scenes will be for both of you.

Admit Your Mistakes

Nothing is so unattractive as a leader who won't admit he screwed up. Assuming you are human, expect to make mistakes. Try to laugh them off, cry together, or pick up the pieces and move on. Sometimes a scene you planned won't come out right. This why you should be especially careful to plan beforehand! But even then, mistakes can happen, and you should be able to humbly admit it to your partner and apologize.

Learn, Learn, Learn

Your responsibility as a top is great: you and only you are responsible for both of your safety during scene! In essence, it's like having a small child dependent upon you. To better handle this responsibility, never stop learning. The best way to learn is to practice bottoming yourself. Every few weeks or months, switch with your partner. The next best way is to communicate: after every scene, ask your lover what he enjoyed and what he didn't, and don't get defensive or egoistic about the things he didn't. Your sub's feedback is your best learning tool. Also, read sex books, learn about BDSM, and join online communities. Books and chat groups on BDSM are going to keep your topping skills honed and keep your sub from getting bored.

Plan, Plan, Plan

BDSM is not something that should be done "on the fly." You'll both have more fun if you plan. Topping is hard work! You need to have a mental list of what you want to achieve. Have a general idea of activities you can try, and always plan for way more than you'll actually have time for; this way, if something you planned goes wrong, you can move on smoothly to the next one. No one wants you to be left standing there, whip in hand, looking foolish. If toys are involved, have them out, cleaned, and ready. Same with lighting, whips, restraints, costumes, lubricants, and aftercare materials (water, snack, warm towel or blanket). You don't want to lose momentum of a great scene to go grab a condom or hurriedly have to search for, find, and clean a particular toy. Your sub will appreciate you much more if you come prepared.

Have a Definite Beginning, Middle, and End

For those of us who aren't in a 24/7 relationship, knowing when to sub and not can be confusing. It is good to have some sort of signal so both of you know when a scene begins. You can have a specific code word, play certain music, or change the lighting and music to start the mood. You can touch or look at your sub a particular way that he will understand means you're starting the scene now. Or, you can have a particular ritual that lets both of you know the scene is beginning and to help you get into your roles: having the sub get out and arrange the toys, gently tying your sub down, or having your sub kneel, kiss your feet, and placing a collar around her kneck. Something concrete, like having the sub put on a specific corset or wear a collar, can be a powerful symbolic moment that lets you both know when play has started.

Having a definite end is even more important. We can't read your mind, and often have no idea when you're winding down. You need to make it obvious! I know I have been terribly surprised when my Dom stopped hitting me, plopped on the bed next to me, and said, "I love you!" while hugging me. It is too difficult to switch straight out of "scene" on your sub like that. We need time so we know you are winding down, and can begin to slowly transition out of subspace and back into real world. Never just stop suddenly and say, "Okay, we're done!"

A gradual transition is necessary. You can have a certain activity that you always do last, so when you move to it, your sub knows to begin transitioning out of subspace. Some Dommes tell their partner, "Okay, you can pick one last toy for me to use on you," or "Pick a number between 1 and 10, I'll give you that many swats with the paddle, and then we can be done." This lets your sub know the scene is winding down without shocking them with it mid-scene. Subs need lots of time to recover from scenes, so make sure you have a definite space for winding down and then a concrete ending!

Provide Great Aftercare

What does an exhausted and proud top do after a scene? Provide great aftercare. Don't start sighing 10 minutes into cuddling say, "Are you done yet? I wanted to watch the game/do the dishes/etc." Enjoy each other as long as you both need it, for hours if necessarily. Don't begrudge your sub this crucial part of lovemaking.

Want to be the best top ever? Go above and beyond the norm (cuddling, blanket, snack, and water). Some great ideas for pampering your sub are:

• put the blanket or towel in the dryer before the scene, so you can grab it after scene and it is warm and fluffy
• draw them a bubble bath or a bath scented with fresh lemons (slice them and let them float in the water)
• have a quiet, relaxing cd ready so all you have to do is push "play"
• give a massage with baby oil
• take a shower together. Gently wash and condition their hair.
• Compliment them profusely on their role in the scene

Note: many of these ideas came from the amazing The New Topping Book! If you haven't already, read it!

Safewords for Doms: Because Doms Are People, Too!

A safeword, obviously, is usually used by the bottom (or sub), to say that her limits have been pushed or the scene has gotten to real, scary, emotional, traumatizing, or painful. But tops (Doms) need safewords, too!

Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"

Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)

So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).

I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.

Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)

So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.

Be safe and have fun!

Subspace and Subdrop

There are two important aspects of the D/s relationship that aren't very evident to the beginner. The first one I'd like to mention is Subspace. This is a change in the mind of the sub, which takes them into a trance-like state. I've seen sources state it's akin to mediation or hypnosis. It seems to be a certain type of head space that is actually therapeutic for the sub. It is possible during the experience to access places in the sub's mind where they were previously abused. Recreating these events in a controlled environment can be a way for the sub to overcome the past. It is also pleasurable, because the levels of endorphins and hormones present in the bloodstream cause a euphoric state. This is a difficult subject to write anything authoritative due to the experiences being very unique and individualized.

How do we get there?

Sometime during the scene, the sub will become more and more detached from what is going on around them. Sometimes the beginning of subspace will come at the first command and others will need a longer warm-up. Your job as the Dom is to continue issuing firm and simple commands. Always be sure to enforce discipline with your sub so they know you are watching and care about them. They will most likely try and resist, but you should be well aware of this. Continue on and don't give in when the sub becomes a little bratty. You will start to see the sub get more turned on and more compliant. The natural high your actions induce will be more and more evident. Eventually, the sub will start to obey commands without resistance and display traits of an out-of-body experience. Welcome your sub to subspace.

What happens afterward?

Now the second item I want to mention is subdrop, which occurs directly after you finish the scene. This is the natural depression that follows subspace. The body's own painkilling chemicals and morphine-like drugs start to wear off. The corporal and emotional pain you caused is starting to settle in the sub's mind. Your job as the Dom is not over once the scene is. You are now to follow through with aftercare (refer to my sub's great post for tips). Take care of the wounds you created and cuddle your sub. Communicate to them how much you love them and how special they are. Get them water and a blanket. You should treat your sub like a patient going into shock, because that is exactly what their body is doing.

Final Thoughts

The experiences for the Dom and sub during subspace/subdrop will be highly unique. The Dom will be in control from start to finish and experience the rush of adrenaline power can bring. The sub will receive natural high courtesy of their bodies and Doms. It is a useful state that can bring pleasure and/or healing. Doms should always give aftercare during subdrop. It is the most important step. Lack of aftercare could result in your sub doubting their trust in you. I think that in order for this to be a working part of your S&M routine you have to be open to it and create a comfortable environment for both people.

References

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/yieldingsubspace.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/Sub_Space.html

http://www.steel-door.com/access_subspace.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subspace_(BDSM)