Husband Punishes Wife Without Spanking

There is a serious lack of information on any sort of husband-led relationship that includes disciplines without spanking. Seriously, every time you type it in, whether you're looking for tips or support or erotic or that damn porn that always creeps up begging for clicks, because heaven forbid you want information not found in highly unrealistic pornography.

We have a relationship with punishment and domination without spanking. In fact, I haven't been spanked in years. Not only because I've been so good. Also because that's not the way our D/s works.

Anal + TIH

While I consider our relationship to fall within the umbrella of Taken in Hand (TIH) relationships, I think for us, anal sex has evolved to take the place of spanking. Don't get me wrong, at the beginning spanking was something we both enjoyed, but it was short-lived and he seems to gravitate the last 8-12 months toward anal domination.

Why?

An excellent question. He says he enjoys it because it's a way to dominate me, totally and utterly. I hate it. It's like Doule's experience, which has regrettably been deleted, or this blogger's depictions of anal orgasms.

Maybe it's for many reasons. I don't know everything that goes on in his head, and he is regrettably close-lipped during sex. But I know he likes to control me. Likes how I hate it. Likes how I cry or fight or beg or go limp. Likes how I look as I arch under him. Likes how I clench down on him when he reaches around and pinches my nipples. Likes how I cry out as he rips pleasures out of me. Likes how humiliated I become. Likes how I collapse before him. He tells me these things that he likes, sometimes, as he rides me and I am helpless beneath him.

It's not the physical that causes the orgasm, it's the mental. The subordination. The pain, the confusion, the pleasure. The torture, the humiliation, the father figure, the lord, the master, the boss, the chieftain, the priest. The shuddering submission and the dark enveloping pleasure of sub space.

For us, it's not maintenance spankings or punishment spanking sessions. It's maintenance anal and anal rape as a punishment. It affects me in a deeper, more personal way than spanking does. The pain is more broad and dull, less sharp, more bearable, more pleasurable. The anger spanking brings in me goes away as I fight and am conquered, irrevocably, irretrievably. He invades me; he conquers me; it is done. There is no more to be done but to submit. From inside, grasping my hair in rough handfuls, he controls me as reins do a horse, riding me to his climax even when I weep and collapse from the pain.


Yet it's all the same message as TIH. The man is in charge, the man holds the reins. The woman submits to his will, to his rules, to his specifications, and if she does not she can expect to be punished. Many TIH couples use spanking as a punishment, but not all. Right now, we do not. But my bottom is still punished. Oh, yes it is.

Labels: Am I DD or D/s?

Labels are good because they help us define what we are and what we are not.

But sometimes we get carried away with labels.

For instance, on this blog, should I call my husband my Dom or my HoH? Or even my Master or my Daddy? Some of these labels are ones that those in the BDSM scene will identify with and some are used more by those in DD, although I do see some crossover.

All four terms could apply to him at different times in our relationship. So I generally just call him my Dom, because that's what I started calling him when I started this blog.

Of course, when I started this blog I thought we were into BDSM. Now online BDSM forums have led me to discover that we are actually more similar to CDD or Taken in Hand.

I try to keep one foot in both communities.

No, you won't find me at a munch or wearing a black leather bustier at a local dungeon. On the other hand, most of my punishments aren't OTK and I don't have a list of rules like many DD couples do.

As this post aptly pointed out, BDSM and CDD and DD and Taken in Hand don't have to be seen as completely separate lifestyles. There is actually quite a bit of overlap.

Punishments and spanking... total power exchange... male-led relationships... there's not a huge difference between being a "Christian kinkster" and being in a "domestic discipline" relationship. They both share these common characteristics.

I worry about other people getting caught up in the labels, though. Will people from both communities judge me? Will BDSM writers dismiss my blog because I'm Christian, monogamous, and against activities like pornography, sex work, public play, homosexuality, and polyamory? These things are sometimes seen as basic parts of BDSM. On the other hand, will DD bloggers be turned off from my site because I use terms like FetLife, Dom, and nipple torture? I worry about how to straddle that line.

I wonder sometimes if my Dom and I are D/s (Dominant/submissive, which is a BDSM term) or CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline, which is a DD term). I often follow DD blogs and comment more on those kind of blogs, because I connect more with a community that is mostly married, monogamous, and often Christian. On the other hand, I hesitate to distance myself completely from BDSM because that's where my husband and I started our journey into power exchange. We actually don't use spankings that much and we still like to use bondage, punishments, and nipple torture.

Does that mean I can't be part of the DD community?

I hope not.

Other Bloggers: We're All in This Together

It's easy when I'm reading about other people's DD and D/s marriages to feel like their lives must be perfect and my marriage isn't up to par. I know it isn't true, but it's easy to romanticize other people's marriages.

For instance, Spanked Army Wife just wrote about how her husband found out she was playing in the snow when she was sick and is going to spank her for it. He texted her and made her go home right away, telling her she knew better than to play in the snow when she was already sick. And Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt has been writing lately about how she and Wonderboy are getting into newer and sexier elements of D/s and power exchange. Just in the few months I've been reading her blog, she and her husband have progressed from a couple skirting around the edges of D/s to a very confident power-exchange dynamic.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Not because I don't have my own power exchange dynamic that works for us. But of course, what my Dom and I are building together does not look like what I pictured when I first read all the stories of sexy, powerful men and meek, submissive women at Christian Domestic Discipline and Christian DD.

Every couple is different. I envy Mick his easy leadership style that comes across in his writing; I envy Stormy her husband's awesome resolve and ability to be firm, consistent, and insistent about their DD lifestyle. I envy Sara and Grant their longevity and the obvious respect they have for each other due to their years of experience in this lifestyle.

That doesn't mean I think these people don't have real marriages with real struggles. I see how Mick sometimes feels hurt by his wife, or how Stormy struggles with embracing her husband's style of discipline at times. I know Rogue Bambi and her husband are struggling with infertility and that puts a strain on their marriage. No one of us in this lifestyle has a perfect, storybook marriage. We're real people with real problems.

When I first found CDD, I thought for sure I wanted it. I romanticized the rules and regulations. I thought the stories about spankings by strong, confident Christian men were unbearably sexy. I wanted my husband to be those men overnight and gently lead me into being a submissive Christian woman.

Of course, if you've read my blog much, it didn't work that way. We had to carve our own story out of the stone, you see. You can't just take someone else's style and adopt it. You have to do the long, hard work of carving your own lifestyle out for yourselves. And the result won't look exactly like anybody else's.

I struggled a lot with issues, like my identity crisis as a feminist vs. submissive. My husband would be wonderfully strong and consistent one week and not the next. My visions of sexy spankings rarely came true; most of them time I hated them and felt angrier than ever afterward. I spent more, not less, time criticizing him for not being consistent enough. Then I got depressed and just gave up entirely. I made up rules for myself and then got depressed that he hadn't made them up for me and he wasn't enforcing them as strictly as I thought he should. He got angry that I was acting more rebellious and childish than I had before we started the power exchange.

It was hard, but it was worth it. My marriage, whether you call it D/s or DD or CDD, does not look exactly like Sara's or Kaya's or Bambi's or Stormy's or Mick's or Dauntless Vitality's or Dannah's or anyone else's. But it is similar enough to them that I enjoy reading these men and women's blogs and I feel a connection with these people, as though they are friends, maybe not in real life but in a sort of online community nonetheless.

We're friends, you see. I may not know your names or your faces, but I know something about your lives, and I connect to it. I appreciate the stories you tell and the lessons I learn from them. I want to support you and help you as best I can, by leaving supportive comments and praying for you when the need arises. I enjoy the relationships that develop in the comment boxes.

We're all in this together.

In Defense of Codependency

I think codependency gets a bad rap these days.

Dauntless Vitality has written a great post about neediness in subs. He says most subs will get from a point of wanting submission and liking these new feelings, to needing it. This is true. Sometimes I need him to control or conquer me even when I don't want it. DV rightly points out that this can be scary for subs. It goes against who we always thought we were. It goes against what society and our families and friends probably value in us, namely, our individuality and sense of independence. It doesn't mean we can't be individual and spunky, but sometimes it's still scary.

Coming to terms with needing a strong man in our lives is scary. It sounds bad. It sounds needy and clingy. It sounds like that dreaded word, codependent.

"Codependent" is like a swear word in psychology circles these days. Counselors and psychologists love to throw that word around. Many will recommend self-help books like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. (I found both books terribly depressing and do not recommend them, by the way).

Codependency is a legitimate illness for many people in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, or emotional abusers. I am not devaluing their experiences. I think in those instances, counseling and treatment are great options.

But codependency has grown from a problem affecting a specific group of people to a pop psychology byword. Completely untrained friends and family with no background in psychology will pass judgment on you. You worry about what your husband thinks? If your wife is sad, you're sad too? You put your Dom's needs above your own? You don't give your wife complete autonomy and independence? You don't both spend a lot of time with other people? You must be (*dun dun dun*) CODEPENDENT!!! For shame!

Sigh.

Robert Burney describes codependency like this:

Codependence is about giving power over our self-esteem to external conditions
and/or outer forces (including other people).

Ouch. I think most people in a D/s relationship would qualify as codependent, then.

Melody Beattie has a whole list of co-dependent symptoms that don't really apply to D/s, but here are some that do:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

A lot of subs derive their meaning from their Dom--and vice-versa. You wouldn't be a very good Master or Dom if you didn't feel responsible for your sub, actually. Many people in D/s find their identity through their role (sub, HoH, Mistress, slave). Finding your identity in someone else is a big no-no in today's pop psychology world. We are supposed to be independent! Autonomous! We are not ever supposed to put others above ourselves!

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But this is the difference in working through legitimate codependency issues with a trained professional and reading a few pop-psychology books and considering yourself an expert. Not only is this popular new battle cry of "Independence in marriage!" not very Christlike, it's doesn't sound like a good marriage--even a vanilla one.

A counselor once told me I was codependent. I didn't know what that meant, but I dutifully bought and read Beattie's book, Codependent No More. For the record, I am not the child of an alcoholic or drug addict, and in fact was raised in a stable middle-class home. The book basically just made me feel guilty for being a people-pleaser and caring too much about what people think. It made it seem like I should be selfish and insist on my own independence, even in a healthy relationship. I think it had some wise pointers for me to avoid getting sucked into an abusive relationship, but now that I'm in a marriage with a loving, Christian man who cares about me deeply... the book just makes me feel needlessly guilty for finding my identity primarily through him/us and for giving control of my life to him.

And isn't that what TTWD is?

If you want to read more, check out William Harley, Jr.'s controversial article, How the Co-Dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages. It's taken a lot of heat on the internet with people defending the codependency movement (of course), but Harley's work stands alone as a scathing criticism of pop-psychology codependence.

Disciplining Your Wife

I get tired of websites that decry Christians being involved in BDSM or DD. I think when it comes to BDSM, other Christians are offended both by the kinky-sex element and the inequality inherent in D/s and power-exchange relationships. When it comes to DD, CDD, and Taken in Hand, other Christians are offended by the idea of power exchange, especially discipling your wife.

I've dealt before with the issue of being Christian and having kinky sex. I don't see a cognitive dissonance between the two. Within marriage, I don't think God dictates that couples only enjoy vanilla sex.

I'll deal today with the second issue common to both BDSM and CDD: wifely discipline. You can find this topic addressed in Jewish, Christian, and Muslim religious traditions.

Any site you'll ever read for or against Christians disciplining their wives will quote that all-famous and ubiquitous verse, Ephesians 5:21-27. If you don't know it, here it is:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5 clearly states that a woman doesn't need to submit to every man, but to her own husband. Yet advocates of egalitarian Christian marriages will try to invalidate Ephesians 5 by saying this means the man and woman are more or less equal, but perhaps he gets the final decision if they just can't agree, sort of like a 51/49 power relationship. While men and women are certainly equal in abilities, worth, and before God, this verse in no way makes them equal in power while on earth. A 51/49 relationship sounds nice, but it completely ignores that tricky quote, "wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Even the little stuff. Even if she doesn't want to. Even if they can't agree. So Biblically, I just don't think you can make a sound argument for a 49/51 power split. The man is in control, all the time. And with it comes a lot of responsibility to love your wife and create her to be a better Christian, "without stain or wrinkle."

Other Christians will try to explain away Ephesians 5 by saying that verse 21, "Submit to one another," means that God is looking for a 50/50, equal partnership. I argue that takes the quote completely out of context and ignores the following part. Rather, Paul is introducing his topic (submission). He then goes on to explain in great detail exactly how we are to submit: wives to their husbands in everything, children to their parents, and slaves to their masters.

What a lot of people don't realize is that Ephesians 5 is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other verses that clearly put the husband in charge of the wife. My Dom always says that troughout the Bible, God loves heirarchies. The angels are in heirarchies. The Israelite society has heirarchies. The Israelite army works in heirarchies. Families work in heirarchies. The chain of command goes like this: God, husband, wife, children.

Let's go beyond Ephesians 5 and see what other parts of the Bible have to say.

In Genesis 3:16, God said to Eve:

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Other translations say, "he will rule you" (GWT), "he will be your master," (BBE) or "he will have dominion over thee" (DRB). The meaning is clear.

In Titus 2:4, Paul gives women many instructions, including "to be subject to their husbands."

In Colossians 3:19, Paul tells wives:

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Like in Ephesians, he then follows it with a reminder of the man's responsibility to love her and treat her well. Nowhere in the Bible is submission a free gift; it does come with responsibility!

If you want to make the argument that Ephesians, Titus, and Colossians are all written by that misogynist Paul, I offer you a quote from Peter, another leader of the early church and Jesus' best friend. Peter 3:1-5 says:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands...For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.

Paul here is referring to Genesis 18:12, where Sarah calls Abraham adon, the Hebrew word for lord, master, or owner. It's difficult for proponents of egalitarian Christian marriage to explain away how the words lord, master, and owner can be interpreted the same as husband--but they try because it's no longer politically correct to think of your husband as your master or owner.

I think it's interesting that in ancient Jewish culture, the endearment husbands used to refer to their wives, achoth and rayah, literally meant "sister" and "beloved female companion," respectively, while adon comes from a root meaning to rule, and can also mean a soveriegn, a Divine or human controller, or a lord, master, or owner. One clearly had the meaning of power and authority, while the other did not, though both were loving terms.

If you're curious what other religious traditions have to say about discipline, both the Jewish Bible (aka Christian Old Testament) and Koran mention discipline.

I've already quoted the Hebrew Bible when it comes to Genesis. It gives husbands the right to nullify their wives' vows or forbid them from fulfilling a vow in Numbers 30:6-8, a clear indication of their power in the relationship. In Deuteronomy 22:28-29 and Exodus 22:16, a man who raped a maiden had to pay her father a dowry and marry her; in essence, he bought her from her father and she became his. The Hebrew Bible also compares Israel to God's wife and shows Him disciplining her, both physically and emotionally. One example I love (because it speaks mostly of God's forgiveness and mercy) of God's metaphorical "marriage" to Israel is Hosea 2, where He disciplines her until she repents and returns to Him, and then showers her with love:

“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.
Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.
I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.
Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’

These verses speak of God disciplining His wife, stripping her of privileges and punishing her until she has no choice but to return to Him, repentant. But the story ends happily; later in the same chapter, Hosea 2:14-19 says:

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.

...I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Just like every CDD and DD site says, the point of discipline in this Judeo-Christian text is to rebuke and exhort, teach a lesson, get rid of the negative, sinful behavior, and replace it with godly behavior. It's not just abuse. The end goal is reconciliation with God and husband.

In the Islamic faith, the Koran clearly gives husbands the right to discipline their wives in although other verses also clarify that husbands must not be abusive and must be loving to their wives. Here's Sura 4:34:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them first. Next, refuse to share their beds, and last beat them; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, great above you all.

The theme of discipline in marriage is just one I've been exploring and researching lately. Just because people in these cultures follow (or followed) these traditions doesn't mean everyone has to, but it's worth taking a look at where these concepts came from and how they are practiced today.

Even apart, the domination continues

Even though we are currently living apart while he starts a new job and I finish my old one and get our things packed, when we are together I find my Dom is being even more controlling of me. Sometimes I complain, but I am slowly growing used to it and accepting it. He wants to take our relationship to a deeper D/s dynamic, and I'm basically adjusting as it happens. He isn't asking me, but I have asked for more D/s in the past and so he knows I am okay with it on some level, even if outwardly I sometimes struggle against the control.

From long-distance, domination for us is very small. I know some couples who do great and creative long-distance D/s, such as a Mistress who forces her male sub to spank himself 150 times with the paddle and document it for her with pictures or webcam.

My husband and I don't do anything that intense. I've simply noticed little things, like him bossing me around more over the phone. When I pout and say, "You're being bossy!" he just grins and doesn't answer. I've also noticed that when we are together, he tells me things like, "You're mine" more often than he used to. I really enjoy it. On some level, if I hear it enough, I start to believe it. I may pout and complain and tell him I'm my own woman, but he doesn't give in and eventually he always wins... either by simple, calm waiting or, when I keep being stubborn, my pinching my nipples until I writhe and tell him he's right.

As I drove home today he told me on the phone that he'd enjoyed sex this weekend when we were together even more than usual. I asked him why, and he said it was because he felt like he was "taking" me both times. This is a fantasy that really turns him on (and it's not bad for me either, heh heh). I think this is since I'm 1.) pregnant and 2.) far from him, I feel and act a lot needier when we are together. This makes me act clingy and needy instead of stubborn and independent. When I act like I need his strength and masculinity (which I do), he reacts by feeling more turned on. I liked it because he felt, physically and emotionally, more masculine and in control. As a result of my neediness and femininity, his erection was stronger and he held me tighter and kissed me more passionately. Sex felt different than it ever had: he was holding me really tightly and kissing me harder than ever before. It was an awesome feeling when he came and gasped into my mouth as our tongues met. Even after sex was over, I kept wanting him to kiss me like that forever. We hadn't made out that ferociously since we were dating.

So that's my story for this weekend. I feel like we are heading in a good place. He is still being just as loving, kind, and forgiving as he has always been, but he's just being a bit more stern and commanding and I'm feeling free to be more emotional and show my weaknesses more.

I'm finally home. The laundry is on and the cats were happy I was back--they hate it when I leave so often now. They'd run out of water while I was away, even though I filled the dish the day I left, so they have basically been taking turns gulping out of the fresh water dish since my return. I'm hoping to relax some before the work week starts, and then see my honey soon.

Au revoir!

Vulnerability and Training a Slave

One of the benefits of BDSM relationships is its openness to complete vulnerability.

In BDSM scenes, both the top and the bottom can let go and be completely, nakedly open. Their most evil thoughts and desires? Open. Their most needy, pathetic thoughts? Bared. It's an incredibly vulnerable experience, one that often frightens me to no end.

Vulnerability can be a positive thing when received by a loving, self-controlled Master who will not abuse or take advantage of the sub. Read this affirmation of his subs by Jack Rinella:

Frankly I will correct every negative statement uttered by a submissive. I will remind them that they are good people, beautiful and capable. I will do my best to back my words with actions that support, encourage, and affirm their very high worth as humans.

The vulnerability found in BDSM can be a beautiful, albeit frightening, experience. Masters can make or break their slaves. I think it is perhaps this utter control that frightens vanilla writers who are so against BDSM. They want (rightly) to protect the weak from being annihilated by a power-hungry Master. And it is true that BDSM involves a scary level of power exchange. Lives and emotional wellbeing can be in danger. Do some Masters use this power for destruction and pain? Sure. That's why subs and aspiring slaves must be very careful to find a Master like the one described above, one who uses his complete power to build up and heal, not annihilate or destroy. To be a good Master is a large responsibility. If the idea of accidentally breaking your sub doesn't frighten you, it should.

Power is like fire, according to Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, authors of The New Bottoming Book. Fire can destroy if uncontrolled. Fire can provide heat and light if used carefully. Like everything, BDSM can be abused. It can also be wielded carefully and with forethought, and can illuminate the life of the holders.

When you give control to someone, if that person has a clue what he or she is doing, things can progress very fast. In an article about vulnerability, Master Stuart's pet says:

My transition from novice sub to trained sub to enslaved collared pet was a speedy one.

But sometimes my Dom is not sure how to make me progress from "novice sub" to "trained sub" and especially not to "enslaved sub." Some people progress very quickly, others not at all. I hope I don't turn out to be one of those not-at-all people.

Vulnerability for me, right now, can be a huge turn-off. But I still enjoy the physical vulnerability of BDSM. So maybe I can't always open myself, mind and emotions, but I can enjoy the simulation of that sacred act by being physically overpowered, physically vulnerable.

Sometimes my Dom acts out of anger or what a vanilla asshole would do, which can be easily confused with what a BDSM Master would do, but are rarely the same despite their seeming similarities. But B.E.S.T. slave training says

The Master should not apply consequences out of anger. The consequences should be well thought out and appropriate to "fit the crime." The purpose is to modify the slave’s behavior so that it pleases her Master.

The point here is for the Master to be slowly, with an end goal in sight, working toward that goal. He wants to change the sub to be more pleasing to him, so no sub will be trained exactly the same way by a different Master. In a relationship with one Master, my training could be completely different from another. I've heard of Masters who make slaves walk without swinging their left arms, slaves who can't use the furniture, and slaves who have to stop using pads and tampons during their periods. It's completely up to what that Master wants.

Of course, when you start a training program, you should expect resistance. Subs and slaves are humans, and no matter how much they want to be a submissive, you are both fighting a lifetime of social norms and millenia of cultural information. Women and men are raised to act a certain way, and this can be seen throughout history. A free, consensual slave is unheard of in the annals of history, and so the two of you must slowly and painstakingly erase hundreds of pages from your mental history textbooks and refill the pages with your own story, without any help from anyone else. How do you want your slave to look? to act? to think? to be? It's a hard question to answer, and one that could take hours and weeks of thought.

For more info for Doms and Masters, check out these articles:

• The Difference Between Dominant and Domineering


• Dom Training: Managing a Slave

Is it Necessary to Give "Total Submission"?

If you look at online kink forums and Fetlife, you'll sometimes notice that people seem to think a "good" sub is someone in a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship.

That's great for people living in TPE relationships, but what about people who are in online relationships or simply can't or don't want to ve in full-time D/s relationships?

Is it possible to be a good sub and not submit 100% of the time? Yes. Is it okay to identify as a submissive or slave and still struggle with giving up your sense of self at times? Yes. Check out the following quote from a Fetlife member:

I wish I knew how to give total submission. I'm struggling to let go of my
personal power and give myself to my Master fully.

This is how I feel every day. Total submission isn't just something you can decide to give and then it magically happens. Like being a good wife, husband, or parent, it's a process. Like being sacrificial, selfless, or generous, there are things we must sometimes work at.

The good news is, the more you practice submitting, the more easily it will come to you. And the same goes for mastery over another human being: the more you are dominating, the easier it will be to get close to a 24/7 goal, if that's your goal.

But for those of you who don't really want to be in a 24/7 TPE relationship, that's fine. Don't believe all the BDSM websites that make it seem like the only niche for you in the BDSM world is either as a Master (Mistress) or as a slave.

There is room in BDSM for pets, owners, part-time lovers who just like to try a little spanking and bondage from time to time, submissives, switches, masochists, sadists, Daddies, Mommies, little girls, and part-time submissives. There is no "One Right Way" to forge your relationship and there is no "goal" such as, "You must become a completely submissive person within 3 months of entering your D/s relationship." Heck, my Dom and I have been D/s for two years and we still haven't mastered the full-time dynamic. I still act like a bossy brat sometimes, per my upbringing, and sometimes we just act like a normal vanilla couple.

And you know what? That's okay.

My Current Rules

My Dom and I are embarking on yet another exploration of D/s.

(In case you're new to my blog, D/s stands for Dominance/submission.)

We are not like many D/s relationships, in which you sign a contract one time and are signed up for life, or until one of you decides to end the contract. We are married first, and D/s second, so we tend to take D/s slowly and make sure our particular brand of D/s lines up with the Bible as well as with the particular BDSM relationship both of us want, which is often different. So rather than jump into a 24/7 dynamic, we do small trial periods of increased power exchange. There is certainly a power exchange dynamic present in our relationship most of the time, but sometimes we will add to it, and I will give him additional power for a set period of time. After the time is over, that allows us to step back and evaluate the experience: Did it work for us? Was it harder than expected? What issues came up that we hadn't foreseen? Could we maintain this 100% of the time, and do we both want to? I've found that often, adding more power exchange in real life is not nearly as easy or simple as it sounds when we're talking about it and researching it, so these trial runs allow us to try them out and see how they really work before we commit to them fully. Then we can decide to add that particular dynamic full-time or perhaps for another trial run. This way, we never commit to a new D/s element we're not ready for.

This trial run starts today (well, this morning at about 1 am if we're technical) and we decided to do it because the last one had worked well and I hadn't been as happy since we stopped. We usually do trial D/s runs for 5 days, and the last one wasn't perfect, but after I got the "power" back I was unhappy, jittery, and didn't feel safe. I need that feeling of safety and confinement, and the stricter he is, the more secure I feel.

After about a week of him encouraging me to commit to a more complete power exchange, I gave in. I was tired of having the power, control, and never being able to relax or feel safe. Sure, I was in more control, but I constantly felt panicky. I realized he was right, and not only did he enjoy having extended control over my life, but I felt safer, even if I didn't always like his decisions or relish my lack of power.

So for the next 5 days, we have agreed to a total power exchange. This is reminiscent more of a Master/slave relationship than a Dom/sub, which is what we normally have, but we are both open to it. I do not identify as owned property, so I guess that doesn't make us M/s. However, he has total control and can do anything he wants for these 5 days. Normally he isn't much of a rule-maker; he is more laid back than I am and he tends to simply make requests or demands as he wants something. However, I'm more structured and he's discovered I need the safety and confinement of full-time rules to give me a sense of being dominated even when he is away at work or we can't be together. It gives definition and structure to my days.

So here are my new rules, and we'll see how I do at them.

1. Be home waiting for him when he gets off work every day.
2. Get up to answer the door and let him in every day when he comes home from work.
3. Have dinner cooked and ready by 5:30 pm every evening.
4. Say "please" when making sexual requests or asking for a favor (this is a terrible habit of mine.)

I don't feel any of them are too difficult, although the cooking will take a lot more time than I normally devote. I'm guessing I'll get more rules added to this later today when he comes home and we talk about it, but for now that's it.

There are also some things he's mentioned he'd like me to do, but they aren't officially rules and I don't think he gets too upset if I don't do them. These may become actual rules, but right now he isn't too consistent about them so I don't consider them "rules".

1. Say "thank you" after every orgasm.
2. Greet him with a kiss on the mouth or cheek when he comes home from work.

We'll see how this work out, and if I get any more rules for this week I will add them here!

Submissive Rituals

I found a really cool article on SubmissiveGuide.Com called Regaining Submissive Mindspace Through Ritual. I think this is such a great idea since many submissives are not submissive in their daily jobs or with their families and children. Some of us have to work, be mothers and daughters and employees and church volunteers and community leaders. When we come home, it can be hard to take off the "free-thinking independent woman" hat and put on the "submissive" hat. For me, I know I tend to keep walking around in topspace until my Dom takes me out of it. Either way, many subs would like to make an easy switch from their day-to-day lives to a more submissive mindset.

Rituals are one way to help achieve that.

You'll find that a lot of D/s relationships focus on rituals, while other similar relationships like Taken in Hand or Christian Domestic Discipline really don't. For some couples, making up forced rituals and rules seems fake and unnecessary. For others, it's a great and simple way to enforce the power exchange in their relationship.

There's no right or wrong way to do D/s, so either way you and your partner prefer is fine. But if you do want to utilize rituals to help ground you and help you get into your submissive "zone," there are many available, or you can even make up your own. Many slave training guides and BDSM sites online will give suggestions for these rituals. You might also consider some of the ones below:

Rituals to Start the Day

• set your morning routine into a set schedule. Even if your Dominant is not home, following his orders for your day can set the whole day off in a more submissive tone.
• create a list of things your Dom wants you to get done that day. As you complete the list, focus on why you are doing this (to serve your Dom).
• Keep a submissive journal and write in it each morning. Many websites give examples of submission-related journal prompts for you to use.

Rituals When You Come Home

• Take a shower and wash away the stress and responsibility of the day. Emerge feeling refreshed and in a more submissive mindset.
• Spend extra time putting on makeup or looking sexy/pretty for your Dominant.
• Do something small to serve your Dom, such as kneeling before him or bringing him a cup of coffee.
• Submissive Guide also gives several other suggestions, such as putting on a special perfume reserved for your submissive space, meditation, using slave positions, or putting on a collar. (The photo shown here is the basic Gorean slave position.)

Rituals with Your Dominant

• He places a collar on your neck (or any symbol of your submission: a ring, a bracelet, a chain, a piece of sexy clothing, a collar and leash, a gag, handcuffs, etc.) for you to wear the rest of the day.
• He begins your interaction by having you serve him in some way that pleases him (the ritual of bringing him a cold soda, or removing his shoes, or bathing him, assuming slave positions, or sexually servicing him in some way).
• He spanks you or does some sort of "maintenance spanking."

The possibilities are endless. If one of you desires to use rituals, discuss the possibilities. Why do rituals appeal to you? How might they benefit your relationship? What additional strains or responsibility might they bring to your dynamic? How often and with how much consistency must you do these rituals, and are there consequences if you forget or disobey?

BDSM Identity Crisis... my ramblings

I'm finding myself afraid of BDSM lately.

My Dom wants to play, and part of me thinks, "Yes! Finally, yay!" and most of me shrinks back and changes the subject or pretends I didn't hear or says no.

Then I wonder why I do that, since most of the time it is me who is complaining about how he never wants to dominate me and how can I feel dominated when it is only once or twice a month?I get so mad at him for not being strong and dominating most of the time. To me, being "a Dom" for one or two evenings a month is not being a Dom at all, it is playing. And there is nothing wrong with playing! There are lots of people who don't do BDSM 24/7, but just dabble in it in the bedroom or sometimes, when it is convenient or fun. We definitely fall into that category. But to me, it doesn't feel real. It feels like playing. "Okay, you pretend to be submissive to me and I'll pretend to be strong enough to dominate you. Go!" And then at the end of the scene, we end up right back to where we were before: a strong, independent woman and a complacent, pleasing man.

There's nothing wrong with playing. But I want more! I hate feeling like our BDSM dynamic is just a pretend game we both play. I can't get into it like it's real. I pretend, and for a moment I believe, but then later I am sad again. Nearly every time I get tired or high, I feel an overwhelming need to be dominated in MOST of my life, and I resent him for only doing it every once it a while. Yet I don't want him to be a commandeering asshole. I want him to lead through quiet, unshakable strength. I want more!

Yet sometimes I don't want more. When we tried rules and structure (completely my idea), I freaked out and bailed. When we tried CDD, I was so turned on by the idea of it---a strong man leading me, protecting me, guiding me, having power over me? Hot! I wanted it. I yearned for it. But when we tried it, reality sat in and I bailed. I called it off. I was too scared. I feared he'd just disappoint me and go back to being his normal not-dominating self. This is my issue, but it scared me.

Also, he seems to think that for us to have a fulltime D/s dynamic, I need to be more submissive. On the other hand, I think he needs to be more dominant. I don't want to bow down and pretend to be weak so he can rule me. I want him to swell with power and confidence so even my strongest is not as strong as him. I don't want to dampen my power and strength, pretend to be weak and submissive, and lessen myself so I'm under him. I want to be as strong and powerful as I can be, and know that he is man enough to top even that. I want him to rise to the occasion, not me shrink to it. I want to give a man my best, my all, my everything, and have it welcomed by him and yet still undeniably beaten by him. I don't want to submit, I want him to dominate.

Sometimes I think that I am not a sub. I think he wants a sub. Someone who doesn't expect him to be Great and Powerful and Awe-Inspiring, but who sees him and thinks he is that way already, without trying to be more than he is. And that is what I want. I want More Than He Is.

Doule (a Christian kinkster on Fetlife) had a very good post, a long time ago, about how labels help us identify people we have something in common with. Sharing a label doesn't mean you will have something in common, but it means you might. There is the potential for dialogue there. Maybe you talk and find out you don't have much in common, but if you identify as "sub" and so do I, we already know we are not "slaves," not "puppies," not "Mistresses," and not "vanilla." It gives us something to explore together and assume we might have something in common. Labels are good for that very reason.... they help us define, categorize, and seek similarities.

On the other hand, labels can be very confusing. Am I a "sub"? What does that mean? Labels can lead to steroetypes and confusing identities. My idea of sub is not necessarily your idea of a sub. That is why BDSM is, and should be, so focused on communication.

Am I a sub? Maybe not. Sometimes my Dom tells me, sounding resentful and petulant, that I'm not a sub. He uses that favorite catchphrase of Doms, "You're topping from the bottom." This makes me feel resentful toward him. When he says that, I feel like he's trying to blame me for something that I feel is his fault. He thinks I should be more submissive, and I think he should just be more dominating. I'd rather expect more out of him than expect less out of me. How could you be happy in a life where one of you was constantly asked to be less than your full potential? I know he loves me and doesn't see it that way, but I do.

So then I look at labels. Maybe I'm not a sub, because I'm not naturally submissive. I'm not a slave, because I don't identify as owned (sometimes I want to, but I've never met anyone I thought could dominate me 24/7 so I felt owned). I'm not a sex slave or service-minded submissive. Maybe I'm a bottom. But no, I don't really enjoy physical pain or spanking. I only like spanking or being beaten because it means I have fought and I am beaten. I don't enjoy the pain, but I like being dominated. I enjoy being tied up, gagged, and my hair pulled for the same reason. Sometimes I love to be called bad names and slapped, and other times (like last night) it just hurts my feelings. I like to be challenged, to have a male opponent worthy of my fight, who welcomes all I have to give and laughs and defeats me utterly anyway. Does that make me, as Jake'sKajira (another FetLife friend) once wrote a blog about, long for a predator/prey dynamic? Or as some Christian websites discuss, do I want a relationship like in Christian Domestic Discipline? I'm not sure. I don't want to kneel at his feet and serve him, but I'd be willing to do it if he could defeat me utterly. I'm not a submissive, but I want to be dominated. I like to be used, but I hate being used. I long to be defeated, but I hate to lose. It's complicated, right? I know.

What is the label for someone who does not want to submit, does not want to be owned, does not want to serve, but longs to be dominated?

I love languages, and I love labels. So of course I went to the wonderful Word Reference to try and find a way to define myself, to find out what puzzle piece I am so I know where I fit into the overall puzzle. It says To dominate: tower above, to master, to overcome. To rule, to hold sway, to prevail, to stand out. Yes! I don't always want it, but I often long for it. I want stars in my eyes as I look up at a man who has completely dominated and humbled the best I have to offer. Who sees me for the strong woman I am and cherishes that quality, but who has vanquished me completely anyway.

Word Reference can maybe help me find a label for myself. Not that I need one, but I'd feel better. I'd have a word for my identity, not a badly articulated three-page blog. In English, being "the dominated" or "one who is overcome" does not make sense. But in Spanish or French, two languages near and dear to my heart, I could be la dominada or la dominée. Maybe in English I could be "prey" or "Domme who is dominated," who knows? I don't identify as a Domme, but I am completely unwilling to make myself weaker so my husband can be a "Dom." I want the best of my strength against the best of his, and I want him to win.

I've told him that, and he asked me, "What if you are stronger than me?" I worry about the same thing. It means I will never be fulfilled and never have exactly what I want. I'm not even sure what I want, other than some vague idea of BDSM dynamics that come close, but I've never seen it exactly.

What if I am stronger than he is? That's scary for both of us. It means all we can ever do is play-act at BDSM. A few times a month, he'll pretend to be stronger than me and I'll pretend that's enough for me. I hate to live part of my life as a lie. He says that when he does try to Dom me, I complain about how he's doing it. It's true I have a longing and I'm not sure how to articulate it, except to tell him when he's NOT meeting what I want. But I'm not sure how to get what I want. And I'm not sure if it's what he wants. He's clear that me having another Dom is not an option, so it's this or nothing.

Do I pretend to be something I'm not (a submissive)? Or do I keep complaining until I get what I want (topping from the bottom)? Does the perfect BDSM relationship even exist?

Somehow, I need more.

Slaves for their own pleasure?

I've been musing about something I heard on FetLife.

Some people think that slaves and submissives are just meant to be used for someone else's pleasure. In this scenario, a slave would never say, "Please do it softer there," or "Would you go down on me?" The slave would basically just let his or her body be used for the pleasure of the Master (or Mistress.... whatever) unless specifically pushed past boundaries, and would then use a safeword to get out of something that was just too much.

Regular, vanilla sex is about mutual pleasure.

So is BDSM, but in a different way. The mutual pleasure is emotional or relational, but not necessarily physical. I know some Masters and slaves have an entire BDSM dynamic where sexual pleasure is not even part of their relationship. Maybe the slave is a maid, or a servant, or a confidante, but they don't have orgasms. Other people might use sex as part of their BDSM lifestyles, but it is only about what the Master wants. For example, maybe the Master has to be brought to orgasm before the sub gets pleasured, like earning your orgasm. Or maybe only the Master gets pleasured. Or maybe they have sex, but the slave doesn't get a say-so on how or when or how hard or how long or anything--the slave is just a tool for the Master.

And for some people, that really gets them off. The idea of being used, totally and completely, may not be physically pleasurable, but it sure can be a real kind of mental and emotional pleasure.

Some people in our society think sex should always be equally pleasurable, mutually satisfying, with no one partner being used, abused, beaten, or coerced. I'm totally for that kind of sex, too! But when we start telling people the "right" way to have sex, that means there is a "wrong" way, too. And is there really a wrong way to have sex, if both people enjoy it (at least on some level)?

I'm not advocating rape here. That is a wrong way to have sex, when one person is forced or truly coerced.

But in a relationship with two consenting adults, when one person says, "I want to give the power up to you, I want you to use me as you see fit, treat me like dirt and use me as a play-thing, and think only of your own pleasure" and the other person thinks that sounds like a great idea.... is that "wrong" sex? Maybe it's not something a lot of uber-feminists would be okay with, but I'm not sure why not. If a woman is free and equal to a man, and freely chooses to give that up so she can be dominated, treated like trash, and bossed around, who are the feminists to tell her that her free choice was the "wrong" one? If that's what gets her off, mentally or emotionally or physically.... isn't that "right" sex for her?

Just my thoughts of the day.

Making a Sub Submit

A discussion I've started on Fetlife is about how to make someone submit. I'm very curious to know more about this topic.

A lot of people have trouble with the idea of "making" a sub (or slave) submit, because BDSM is, of course, completely consensual and voluntary. So if you start to force someone to submit who doesn't want to, some people fear it becomes abuse and no longer consensual BDSM.

Well, while I see that, I'm not sure I always agree. In my "regular" mentality, I'm a total control freak. That powerhouse of a woman I am would not dream of letting my fiance boss me around, especially since in regular life I feel I'm the more capable of the two of us. I know what needs to be done and I do it, or I remember errands that need to be run and I have to be in charge of reminding him to do them. Now, I'd love to be in a situation where my fiance was in charge all the time, but that's just not the way we are. I'm a control freak, a perfectionist, and a driven force of nature, and he's more laid back.

So until I'm in my "sub" mentality, I don't let go. Oh, it's not that I don't want to! But I'm a strong, capable woman, and I'm not about to let go of the reins until I know he can be trusted with them. So I hold on to them with a death grip until he forces them out of my hand. If he can't force them out of my hand, I know (for right now) I'm still the stronger one and I need to be the one in control. This is not a great thing about me, but it is true; I struggle with submitting!

At the same time, I have no desire to be the Domme. I yearn for a man who is in control, in charge, and powerful all the time. Someone who can force me into subspace with a glance or a certain tone. Someone who can remind me of my place and that's it's behind him, not out in front crusading and leading the way. I'm simply not sexually interested at all in a man who is a sub to my Domme.

Well, this sometimes gives me trouble. I want to submit, but I don't want to submit!

Welcome to being a woman, I guess. :)

Some fellow sub-women on Fetlife seem to be able to just give away control easily. I admire them and envy them. However, it is not in my nature to give up leadership to someone who is less fit for it than I am--I live my life by strict principles of what is just and right. If you want to lead, you have to earn it. If you want to lead me, you have to do a better job at it than I would. Otherwise, what glory is there in your position of "Dom"? It isn't real, it isn't something either of us can respect, and we are both just living a lie.

Now sometimes, my fiance becomes my Dom. He doesn't seem to really be sure how he does it, because he can't do it on command---it just happens or it doesn't. (This is frustrating to both of us!) I've tried to explain to him how he does it. He just seems.... so much more confident. He doesn't bully me or use control in a bad way. But on the other hand, he isn't laid back or passive. He sometimes hits this perfect balance of domination that just works for us. He is calm, confident, and manly. He is gentle, stern, guiding, and self-aware. He doesn't boss me around, but in his requests I hear an underlying manliness that makes me know they aren't just requests.

I love this state. I love how it makes me feel. I love that then I feel more relaxed, more feminine. You see, I don't like to be in control all the time. I would prefer to have a manly, strong, formiddable, gentle man--like in the books--to lean on for decisions, to get things done, to match my own fiery personality and drive in life. Sometimes my fiance does this, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I really crave it, and I whine and sulk because "we aren't doing BDSM enough." I complain that "I'm sexually bored." Of course, this tends to make him defensive and me critically and nagging. We end up arguing about whose fault it is---mine for being too picky or his for being too uncreative in bed---which, of course, is totally against the Bible. After all, our faith tells us:

"As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18).

Nagging, criticism, and bickering over sex-- the one thing God designed to be perfectly uniting and selfless---it totally not what two Christians should be doing. Yet sometimes we find ourselves there.

So can you make a submissive submit? In my opinion, what I want my fiance to do is NOT abuse. If a man or woman MADE someone submit when they didn't want to, that would be abuse. But in my heart of hearts, I want to submit. I yearn to be pushed forcibly into subspace where I can relax and know that the man who loves me is in charge of everything and will take care of me. But I don't trust him or anyone else enough to just go to such a place of submission and lack of control unless I know they can be trusted to take care of me once I'm there. I have to have it proved to me.

In the end, what I want is a fight---and I want to lose. I want to fight him, tooth and nail, so that when I am finally defeated, I know it was a real defeat, not simply that I pretended to fight and then bowed down to an undeserving adversary. I want someone worth his salt, someone who can make me submit, someone who compels me to be submissive by the very fact that he is so dominating. I know some kinksters would not agree with me on this, and say a sub must submit voluntarily.

But that is not something I know how to do.

My Turn at Playing Top!!!

Because my Dom agreed that everything he did to me, he would be open to receiving, this last week we've been doing a lot of "getting even"!!! *evil laugh*

I've had a blast! Although I could never be a Domme, I enjoy being the one with the whip in my hands for a change. While my Dom doesn't enjoy it quite so much (*giggle*), he puts up with it wonderfully!

We tried switching just for a little fun. You can learn more from switching than from reading countless articles on BDSM theory, so we tried it out. This gives my Dom a chance to see how it feels to be me, what works and what doesn't, which positions hurt a lot more than he expected, and how tough I really am! For me, it is a chance to be the teacher, showing him, "See how it hurts if you hit too high? But here, this spot feel really good!"

I had a lot of fun with this. I couldn't control my evil laughter the entire time, lol.

For your information, I differentiate between a Top and a Dom/Domme, and a Bottom and Sub. For me, being a top or bottom just means the physical role you play; the top wields the whip, while the bottom receives it. Both partners play as equals, and no power exchange is involved.

A Dom and sub, however, are what I call two people who are exchanging power within a scene. Rather than two equals who just like the sensations of whips and leather, these people add the heightened level of emotional and mental control. The sub relinquishes control and the Dom gains it. People who play as sub and Dom often go beyond the physical realm of BDSM into the wonderful, scary world of emotions, psychology, dependence, control, and power.

I am not a Domme when I switch. I hate being in control! In fact, I am in control enough in our everyday life, thank you very much. I enjoy subbing because it gives me a chance to lay back, give him the reins, and just be completely at his mercy. I don't have to plan, I don't have to think, I don't have to worry about if he is enjoying, no stress and no worries. I love it!

I enjoy switching, but I'd say in those rare moments when we switch, I am a Top. I wield the paddle and the whip, but I do not gain power and he does not relinquish it.

Topping my Dom is immense fun. We've agreed that it is only fair for him to be willing to take as much as he gives. It is also a great learning experience for us to "walk in the other's shoes," so to speak.

The first time I got to play at being a Top, I wanted to show him how much that tiny, innocuous wooden paddle he bought actually hurt! The first time he used it, I ended up screaming and writhing. He was convinced I was just being a wimp, but I knew better.

So we switched. I spanked him, giving him two rounds of Jacob's Ladder, just like he'd given me. To my immense satisfaction, his body went into convulsions, and then before the end he began arching his back and yelling out from the pain. I'd told him so! While the noise from the paddle may not be all that bad, the pain is quite terrible and delicious! And here he was, my fearless Dom, a leader, a military man, a vet of the Iraq war and tough Army guy. Aha! To my great satisfaction, after his 20 swats, he admitted it hurt far more than he'd expected and that I had endured my own 20 with much less noise and writhing than he had.

Score one for the sub being a "toughie"! *gives self a pat on the back*

I enjoyed this so much, I eventually convinced him to let me give him 50 swats. He agreed, and I am sad to say I started out too nicely. I wasn't sure how 50 swats would do, so I gave him the first 30 at a "medium" level. Well, by 50, I was swinging as hard as I could, and he was jerking and making noises of a man in pain, but there was no screaming, no begging, no pleading with me to stop, and no tears. Darn! And I'd really wanted the satisfaction!

Of course, his beautiful, tight bottom was 100% red, and the next day he had two great, blue bruises on his ass. He said it was hard to sit down in some positions, but otherwise he didn't notice the bruising at all, so that was good (I didn't want to hurt him permanently!). Now, several days later, he still has some adorable fading bruises that make me quite proud of myself, but nothing that causes him pain----at least, not as far as I've heard!

Is a Submissive Just a Doormat?

A lot of people hear the words "BDSM" and immediately think it's a fancy name for an abusive relationship. They figure the man must just want an excuse to have everything he wants, while the woman probably spends her time cringing in fear and serving him. In other words, the sub is the Dom's doormat.

How is a sub different from a doormat?

I believe the two are very different. A submissive differs from an abused person or a doormat in many ways. These include choice, control, work, limits, and safety.

1. Choice. For one, a submissive is there by choice; an abused woman (or man) is not. BDSM may look like emotional or physical abuse, but the difference is that BDSM is consenual and abuse is never consensual. The sub and Dom decide together how much, when, and what kinds of emotional and physical pain they would like to experiment with; an abused person has no such control.
2. Control. A sub has control over her own mind, body, and soul. If she voluntarily chooses to give that control to the Dom, that is in her control, too. A sub can use safewords, soft limits, and hard limits to make sure BDSM never goes beyond what she is comfortable with. A good Dom respects and upholds this. A doormat has no control, because others take it from her; a sub has much control and she chooses to share it.
3. Work. Being a doormat does not take any work, but a BDSM power dynamic does! The Dom has to work hard to protect the sub, to give the sub what she needs while getting what he needs, and to keep the play safe, sane, and consensual. The sub has to work at communicating her wants and needs to the Dom, choosing to be obedient even when it's hard, and having her limits uncomfortably pushed so she can grow. Both roles take lots of inner strength!
4. Limits. A doormat is someone who just takes whatever other people dish out; a sub has limits. A sub has a safeword (or safe action, if she is gagged) that means the Dom will stop immediately if she uses it. A sub also has soft limits (things she does not really want to try but is open to) and hard limits (things she absolutely will not try) that the Dom is morally bound to respect. Safe words and limits ensure a sub has control over how much she can take.
5. Safety. A doormat is basically a person who accepts physical and emotional abuse, but a good sub will never give her control to anyone but a Dom she loves and trusts absolutely. This makes sure she is safe--spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally--during play. Both the Dom and the sub are worried about the sub's safety in BDSM, whereas people abusing a doormat are not.

1950s Household

One specific type of BDSM activity is the 1950s household. This is just what it sounds like: a social and sexual dynamic that attempts to recreate the stereotypical male-dominated marital relationship of the 50s. In truth, this activity is more social and relational than sexual, although sex can play a part.

In a 1950s household, traditional gender roles are maintained. This is a type of "power exchange" based completely on gender roles. The man probably works at something "manly" like business, skilled labor, or management. He takes pride in his career and providing for the family.

The woman in this situation probably stays at home as a wife or mother. If she does leave the home, it is probably for her college studies or for pre-baby work in fields such as teaching, nursing, or other "feminine" jobs. Her main responsibility, of course, is her home and her family. This woman takes pride in cooking, cleaning, ironing, and raising her children. She may do outside activities such as volunteer work or being active in a church society.

Children are brought up with traditional values and a sense of the father being the head of the home. The man provides for, protects, and cherishes his wife; in turn, she makes his home a place of comfort and relaxation after a hard day's work.

I've never participated in a 1950s household (I think it lends itself more to a 24/7 relationship, which I am not part of), but from what I've seen, partners participate in 1950s relationships for far more than just sex or BDSM. It is a commitment to preserving a way of life; the focus is on traditional values. In fact, in a 1950s-style relationship model, the most well-known aspects of BDSM (sadomasochism, leather, whips, etc.) may not even play a part at all. This relationship is entirely based on the Dominant/submissive part of BDSM, and is simply a specific subgroup of Dominants and submissives; while participants may choose to engage in other elements of kink, they do not have to. (Of course, this is true of any element of BDSM, and just because the public seems to think all BDSMers wear tight black leather and carry around whips does not mean it is true.)

Code Words to Begin a Scene

If you are not in a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship 24/7, it might be a good idea to have a set of code words the two of you know mean, "I want to begin a scene now." As the Dom (or Domme, or Daddy/Mommy, or whatever...), you are in charge of the scene. You will decide when you want to begin it and end it. Your sub can't read your mind, and may not react kindly to being bossed around in real life if he doesn't know you want a scene to begin. So it is best to have some words or phrases that let your sub know when you choose to begin dominating.

Author F.R.R. Mallory describes a sub who is going about her regular day when the Dom decides he wants to begin a scene:

This space occurs when the Dominant in the relationship directs attention at the
submissive. This may be a glance, a light touch, a small sound or any
combination of these triggers. This marginal appearing contact drops the
submissive out of top space into a state of waiting and/or listening for
command. She stops. Generally she will cease talking even in the midst of a
comment. She may stop moving. She will generally attempt direct eye contact with
her Dominant to see if he/she has a direction or command for her. If nothing
further occurs she will most likely re-top. Or, go back to full functional top
space. If the Dominant mentally presses...she will generally descend further
into space.

The more you practice being a Dom, the better you get at it. At first, your sub may have a hard time getting into subspace. But as you get her there more often, it will become easier to get her there. Every time you get her there, you are conditioning her to go there. Eventually, you may just have to say a certain word or give her a certain look and she will start to get dreamy and obedient. (If you enjoy a good mental fight before you get your sub there, you will want to avoid giving her a particular look or phrase, because she will start to go to subspace quickly if you do!) I know the more I experience subspace, the easier it is to slip into it the next time--so if you want a quickly obedient and willing slave, practice makes perfect!

Like any training, you have to be consistent. You can train your sub to slip into subspace without her ever noticing. Every time you begin a scene, pick a certain phrase. Or, have a pet name you only call her during scenes. Her brain will subconsciously pick up on this. Soon, once you say the phrase or call her the name, she will stop what she is doing and make eye contact with you, waiting for a command. If you give it, she will probably go down into subspace.

What phrases or code words can you use? The best idea is probably to have a pet name for her you only use during scenes. Names have a particular way of affecting us. I've noticed during a fight, my Dom can say my name several times and I will keep ranting, but once he quietly says, "Pretty Girl!" (his non-BDSM pet name for me), I pause and wait for him to talk. Using that name makes me mentally pause and calm down. The same can be true for a BDSM name.

You can pick any number of pet names for your sub. Just make sure you use it lots and lots during a scene, and never use it outside a scene. This way your sub will associate it with going into subspace and obeying you. Once the sub is trained and used to this, all you have to do is use this name at the mall or during a party and your sub will look at you, start to feel submissive, and wait for a command. What fun for you! :)

Here are some pet name ideas. They can be related to BDSM or not, just make sure your sub only associates them with scenes and obeying.

• my pet
• my love
• servant
• slave
• Girl/Boy
• slut (use a foreign language for dirty words if you don't feel comfortable using them in public places)
• whore
• bitch
• Baby Girl/Boy
• Daddy's little girl
• Mommy's little boy
• My servant
• honey
• sweetie
• babe, baby, baby doll
• Freckles
• Dimples
• Chubby
• Blue Eyes
• my darling

So a scene might begin like this: if your sub isn't expecting a scene, you know you need to warn her you want something. You whisper in her ear, "My little slavegirl, go get me a drink, please," or "Freckles. Do you hear me? Listen and obey, Freckles. Please go to the restroom and touch yourself for 5 minutes." If you chose any name that is only used for the sub during a scene, she will know what you want and to obey!

If you don't want to use a pet name, a touch, glance, or code phrase will work. A light touch on the small of the back is often a very controlling guesture no one else will notice. Your sub will straighten up and look at you for more direction. You can whisper in her ear that she is turning you on and you want to begin a scene now. Even in public, you can whisper a command in her ear and enjoy her obedience while no one else knows. Example: At a fancy business dinner, you lightly touch her lower back. Since you only do this to begin scenes, she looks at you, surprised. You whisper: "Go get me a drink, my love." Obedient and surprised, she nods, and hurries off to do your bidding. No one else knows! :) You can have fun seeing how far you can get her to go in public without questioning your authority.

A code phrase, such as, "This is what I want," "Do not disobey me," or "You don't want to disappoint me, do you?" will also work. These can be used in public or private. Just make sure you always begin a scene this way, and your sub will quickly associate the phrase with descending into subspace and obeying your every whim.

Of course, conditioning works in other ways, too. If every time she disobeys, you quietly say, "Don't test me, Green Eyes," and then give her a sound beating or punishment, soon all you will have to say is, "Don't test me, Green Eyes," and she will hurry to do your bidding!

The more you train your sub, the easier it will be to control her. Be consistent, be consistent, be consistent. Subs, like puppies and children, can be trained---just be firm, be merciless, and be consistent. Happy training!

Begging

Begging is probably a pretty common fetish, although I don't have the numbers to prove it. Even vanilla people do it. In BDSM, begging can add some flavor to an already-hot scene. Many Doms and Dommes find real pleasure in being begged or pleaded with by their sub or slave. It is up to you to decide what type of begging you most enjoy, and how to get your sub to do it.

Begging can have many uses. For the Dom, it is a power trip. It gives him more control over his sub. It can also be highly erotic. For the sub, it can be a lesson: teaching her humility, showing her that her body is not hers and only her Dom has control over how much pleasure and pain she receives, or as a punishment. It can also be a very effective type of humiliation play and emotional humiliation. Of course, it can also be a turn-on.

Do you want your sub to beg? Decide what would turn you on the most. Is her body posture important to you, or just the words? Would you rather her be kneeling before you, lying on the floor with her head down prostrate before you, kneeling between your legs and kissing your feet or your balls, or standing in front of you with her hands crossed demurely and her eyes lowered? Do you want her to be handcuffed? Would you prefer if she is tied to an object or chained to your ankle or wrist?

As for the words, what do you want? Will you be satisfied if she begs once, or are you going to make her repeat the same humiliating phrase 20 times perfectly before she is released? What specifically do you want her to beg for (to orgasm, for sex, to stop hurting her, to spank her again please)? Do you want her to use curse words and vulgarity for added humiliation ("Please fuck my dirty cunt harder, Master. Please let your dirty cumslut cum, Sir.")? Do you want her to call you something specific (Daddy, Sir, Mr. [insert your last name here], Master, Sergeant, My Owner)? Also, do you want lots of pleases and thank yous, or will a simple request be enough?

Your sub can't just guess what you want. Ordering her, "Beg," is not going to tell her what you want. Be specific! "I want you to kneel before me, lick my boot, and repeat 'Please whip your servant, Sir' fifteen times before I will forgive you" is clear and specific; "Beg for me" is not. Read this article, think about what behaviors you want your sub to perform for your pleasure, and communicate that to her clearly. You may want to have different requirements for different situations, so be specific so she knows what you desire.

Do you want to show her that you have control over her body and decisions? Make her beg before she can do something she wants, like have sex, get oral sex, perform a blow job, or receive a spanking. You can require her to ask permission before speaking or moving: "Please, Sir, may I touch your cock? Sir, may I please jack you off? Master, may your servant get up to get you a condom?"

Do you want to teach a proud, headstrong sub humility? Then you have to humilate her! Make her use vulgar language or refer to herself as a dirty name every time she talks. Make her say please and thank you before and after every activity: whether she is receiving pain, performing something on you, or receiving pleasure. Make her assume a humiliating position, such as kneeling in front of you, kissing your foot, lying on the floor in front of you, spreading her legs for you, or kneeling beside you and licking your balls (or ass). Require her to do something for you every time she talks: (Licks your balls/boot/ass), Please don't hit me, Master. (Licks your balls/boot/ass), please, don't hit your dirty cum recepticle, Master. (Licks your balls/boot/ass), I'm a dirty, bad girl, Master; please forgive me."

If your sub is too headstrong to do this, you are probably going to have to fight her on this and train her gradually. You can seriously tell some subs what you want and they will do it. Others will sit back and say, "Ummm...hell no." For these, you have to break their will. Do something they hate, like leaving them tied up (don't leave them unattended, but check in on them regularly, just don't speak to them), ignoring them, beating them, hurting them, or shutting them in a closet. It depends on the sub and what is going to work for them. For example, I don't mind being shut in dark spaces, but I would hate to be tied in a painful position and left until I agreed to beg.

Do you want to use begging as a punishment? Make your sub beg for something she doesn't want. For example, if you are whipping her as a punishment, force her to ask for the spank before each one and thank you for the spank before each one. "Thank you, Mr. Jones. May I have another, please?" You can use many things as a punishment: make her beg to be spanked or hurt, beg to do something you know she doesn't like or finds humiliating (anally fingering you, giving you a blow job, spreading her legs), or beg to be punished and spanked. Even when she hates something, such as a spanking, and is already screaming and crying for you to stop, it can be a powerful mindfuck to force her to beg for the next stroke anyway. It is a wicked mind game, but it is fun for you and will break the sub!

Of course, you can combine these, as well. A fun combination of "punishment" and "humiliation" would be, "Please spank your dirty whore, Mr. Jones. Thank you, sir. Please punish your cumrag, Mr. Jones. Thank you. Please fucking hurt this dumb fuck, Mr. Jones. Thank you." And, to be really evil, you can add in a physical humiliation as well: make her kneel to say it, or make her lie down prostrate, or force her to do some humiliating action like crawling on her hands and knees. She will be crying and miserable by the end!

Some things you can make her beg for: permission to orgasm, to touch you, to service you, to please you, for a collar, for a sex toy, for a favorite activity, for a scene, for more play time, for rougher play, for you to cum, for attention, for the next strike, for the next spank, for you to mark her, for your cock, for you to use her pussy/mouth/ass, to be let out of punishment, to play longer, for forgiveness, for a rape scene, to hurt her, to let her use the restroom, to take off painful clamps, to stop genital torture, the list goes on...

Just in case inspiration still hasn't struck you, here are some good phrases to get those creative juices flowing!

• "Please, Daddy, please let your bad little girl play with the whips."
• "Mistress, will you allow your slave to lick your cum?"
• "Please let me suck your dick, Master. Your slave needs to feel your hard dick in her mouth."
• "May I speak freely, Ma'am?"
• "Please spank me, Daddy. Thank you so much, Daddy."
• "Please let your cuntwhore cum, please, please Master!" "Do you deserve it?" "No, Master, no, I don't deserve it! I'm a bad, bad slut!" "That's right, bitch."
• "Master, may your girl cum for you, please?"
• "Please hit me harder, Sir. Thank you. Please hit me again, sir. Thank you."
• "What do you want right now?" "I need to cum!" "Beg for it."
• "Kneel in front of me, kiss my dick, and beg for forgiveness until I tell you to stop."
• "For every second of my time that you have wasted, you will lie on the floor in front of me, chained to the door, and beg me to take you back. That's 120 seconds. And you'd better call me Mommy every time you do it!"

Resources:

http://fetlife.com

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenbegging

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

My Dom, my friend C., and I had a little online discussion about what we like and don't like about BDSM, how it has improved our relationship and communication as a whole, and our favorite activities to try! So sit back, grab a cup of tea, and enjoy an online chat among friends!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

1) When did you first get interested in BDSM?

• C: I first got interested in it when I was 15 and my boyfriend at the time admitted he was into it and I thought it sounded awesome, so I wanted to try it.
• Sub: I think I was always into it, but didn't realize it! Around 15 I started having fantasies about being raped. I wondered if I was normal. I have always been very turned on by being held down or pushed against a wall. When I was 19 I finally dated a man who had rape fantasies as well, and we "played rough" with rape, bondage, knives, and struggle. After that I was hooked, and began "converting" boys I dated, or else I just got bored with the sex. But I didn't realize there was a community of people like me, or that it had a name, until earlier this year (I'm 24).
• Dom: I first became interested in BDSM very recently. I was 27 and it was discovered with my current relationship. I realized something about myself. I began to understand it was something I wanted to experience.

2) How was it first incorporated into your current relationship?

• Dom: Both of us showed tendencies from the beginning. My sub is a biter and I love to restrain and be powerful. Our tastes played off each other and eventually we have our current situation. We started restraining, choking, biting, and slapping. Then the communication picked up. We shared openly about fantasies and what we were into. I learned not to judge something until it was tested, attempted, or tried. Now having done BDSM, I enjoy the love, communication, and trust that come with it. It is exciting, special, and can be healing. All are good things to introduce into a relationship.
• Sub: I agree. Hehe, he is right; I am a biter! :) With us, there were signs from the beginning. The first time we made out, he pushed me up against the door and I got turned on. He liked that it turned me on. The next time, he swept me off my feet, carried me to his backyard, and put me on the picnic table. Gradually our making out just got rougher and more passionate from there. Eventually I admitted my rape fantasies and asked him about his. He was freaked out at first, and then realized how much it turned him on. Slowly I started asking him to call me names and talk dirty. And then once he just slapped me! We were both so turned on. We realized we were on to something, and thank goodness we were both into it! :)
• C: It was incorporated very slowly and gradually because I was afraid he wouldn't be into it. I started being generally "rougher" with him in the bedroom then when I saw he was into it I suggested maybe he would like to treat me roughly. Once I felt we were completely comfortable with that, I waited 'til we were having sex the next time and told him to spank me, then harder and harder. After that he wanted to talk about the spanking and it naturally led to admitting I was into other BDSM activities, and he wanted to try them all.

3) How do you think BDSM has improved your communication with your partner?

• C: I feel that because sex and fetishes are probably one of the most intimate things you can share with someone, it makes other things a lot easier to talk about. It has definately made him more willing to actually express his own opinion aswell rather than saying things just to make me happy.
• Sub: I totally agree. If I can admit to my Dom that I want him to rape me, hit me while he comes, use me, insult me, and call me a bitch---well, that is pretty personal! So I know I can tell him anything. It really opened us up and helped us talk a lot about what we are okay with and what we are not sure about, without feeling judged.
• Dom: It has improved communication by causing us to be open and honest about that which is usually kept under wraps--fantasies. Most people wouldn't admit to their desire to try a rape fantasy. Most wouldn't volunteer they enjoy humiliation, because the judgment they would receive from their partners. They avoid these talks and are scared of the answer they might get. The scenes are also a great place to see how communication has improved. As the Dom, I have to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal means of communication. I have to make sure she is comfortable and taken care off. Even if she is unable to communicate this effectively. I don't believe my senses would be as keen as they are now without the care and practice BDSM offers.

4) How has it improved your sex life?

• C: Well, it means I get exactly what I want instead of enduring painful minutes of monotony.
• Sub: No joke! It has made us able to try anything. And be able to talk about anything.
• Dom: It has opened up so many ways to express sexual feelings and thoughts in a good way. We have a place to express ourselves sexually and emotionally most are too scared to visit. We can be anything there and as dirty as we want without fearing judgment (provided we don't push a hard limit).

5) What else has BDSM improved about your relationship? How?

• Dom: The emotional awareness is heightened for me. I have to pay close attention to my sub's body language, tone, and words during a scene. I do the same thing outside the bedroom. It has also created trust and love, because we know each others deepest fantasies. I think it gives her a place to be healed of past sexual trauma. It is a way to revisit the past with someone she loves and trusts. She can feel empowered over some of the events that made her feel helpless.
• Sub: Absolutely; I agree. I am slowly getting the guidance and leadership and dominance I need from a man, in a safe and structured way, rather than the abusive ways of the past. I can release "unhealthy" sexual needs from past abuse in a healthy way now.
• C: It makes us more relaxed around each other and it gives us ways to flirt with each other when we're not together, because he can always send me a text or message me on msn telling me of something new he has thought to do to me.

6) Are there any ways BDSM has made your relationship more difficult? How?

• C: I suppose it can be frustrating when he won't take things as far as I want them to be taken, then I can sulk with him a bit and sometimes cause arguments. But only very rarely.
• Sub: I'm the same way. Once I needed to be dominated but the mood just wasn't right. Lots of times our scenes aren't as intense or mean or painful as I want them to be. Then I get frustrated and moody and lose interest in sex for a while. I get grouchy at my Dom. Also, in BDSM you risk going too far and actually hurting someone's feelings, or being dominating when the mood isn't right and I don't feel like being dominated. Then I just get pissed off! :) He did this once and I got a huge attitude. We had to talk it out.
• Dom: I don't think it's made our relationship more difficult. I have hurt her once by talking dirty after she was ready to stop.

7) Do you think you know your partner better or worse since starting BDSM?

• C: I definitely think I know him better.
• Sub: Me, too. I know his secret desires so much better now, and it is something only we share, so it brings us closer in all areas. I feel close to him in a group of people because we have this bond with each other they don't know about.
• Dom: I think I know her better since starting BDSM. I feel like we are closer and have built a huge amount of trust! I love her so much and we communicate not only fantasies, but our feelings. I know that I can have a bad day and cry with her or share the greatest joy and be happy.

8) What are some of his/her favorite activities or fetishes?

• Dom: I know some of her favorite activities are biting, dirty talk, humiliation, she enjoys a good slap, being restrained, rape scenes, and hair pulling. This isn't an exhaustive list, but a good start.
• Sub: *giggles* He's right. For him, he likes the feeling of power and control. He likes to slap me and watch my shocked expression, hold me down, and hurt me. They make him feel powerful!
• C: He likes commanding me and telling me what to do, and he's also interested in filming us.

9) What is your favorite thing to do for your sub/Dom that you know brings pleasure?

• C: Doing exactly what he says.
• Sub: Haha, not me! He has to really work to dominate me to the point I will do exactly what he says without me resenting him. But I do reeeeally like giving him multiple orgasms. I like to sit between his legs facing him as I work his cock; this way, I can see his face and share the experience with him, and it is less painful for my wrists. In this position, I can do lots of fun things to his perineum and testicles, which makes him orgasm so many times without ejaculting! I love it; twice the fun and no mess!
• Dom: I love to go down on her and taste her. It is the best when she cums in my mouth. :) I also love to talk dirty to her for hours and hours! She gets so wound up and excited. I do, too! It makes me look forward to the first available private moment.

10) What is your favorite fetish to have done for you?

• Dom: I my favorite thing is when she struggles. It's totally dirty, but I love a good struggle and then to watch her give in. It's sooooo hot! Getting sweaty while wrestling and giving her a few good, firm slaps to the face is amazing.
• C: Spanking, dirty talking, general forcefulness.
• Sub: For me, probably talking really, really, really dirty and calling me terrible names! It makes me so hot. I also adore it when he talks dirty to me for hours, getting me all wound up, and then he can make me ejaculte multiple times. It is the best feeling in the world to come 7 or 8 times. It is rare to get me that worked up, but I LOVE it when he can!