My Core: answers to journal prompt

My Core

 1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

 I'm a conquered submissive. I'm a Christian, a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, leader, helper, romantic, reader, artist, pessimist, worrier, doubter, fearer.

2. What makes you feel joy, pain, fear, excitement?

I feel joy when I hold my sleeping baby. When I sing or dance. When I hear beautiful music being sung by amazing singers live.

I feel pain when I feel alone, lonely, lost, misunderstood, and not listened to. I feel pain when people leave me, when I worry I'm not good enough or worthy or attractive or pretty or nice enough. I feel pain when my husband hurts me. I feel pain when friends and family do not put as much time and effort into me as I do into them.

 I feel fear when I think of my baby dying. I feel fear when I think of dying and becoming nothing. I feel fear when I imagine heights, airplanes, big dogs, the baby getting hurt, my husband liking someone else's company better than mine, my family not loving me as much as I love them, losing my job.

I feel excitement when I go shopping and imagine the "new me" that can emerge when I buy an accessory or clothes that are out of my normal box. I feel excitement at traveling to exotic new places. I feel excited about learning new things, like cooking, languages, fashion, grammar. I feel excited when I start a good book or have a whole day alone to spend with a book and my computer.

3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

The part of me that worries I am "too much" and no one will want/love all of me. When I am completely owned, conquered, submitted to someone who has put forth the effort and work and demonstrated the strength of mind, body, and will to obliviate me, I know I am wanted, loved, cherished. I know I will not be left by someone who has put in that much effort to have me. It heals me fears of being left or unwanted.

 4. What part of you is most challenged or repulsed?

I am most challenged by being submissive when I submit myself, rather than being conquered. Just hoping that this gift will be appreciated and seen as worth the work and effort, instead of knowing.

5. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?

Attention, love, praise, mentally stimulating conversations about mutual interests, growing together, a new hobby together--- they make my core thrive.

Being hurt by those who profess to love me, especially when they hurl insults at me and tear down who I am in my core, that makes me wither.

6. What do you do, if anything, to keep tabs on your core, so that you may be growing and evolving, but not changing or compromising it for someone? What internal measuring sticks do you utilize to keep your inner being in tact while submitting, and how do you communicate it to your dominant/master/etc. if you feel you are being compromised?

 I try to talk to him if I feel I am being compromised. I am always very open with him; what I like, don't like, want, desire, need, fear, am drawn by, attracted to, or both. I blog and read blogs and reflect to keep tabs on my core.

7. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?

 I do sometimes, when I feel my Dom is not fully conquering me, I withdraw. I know I will get hurt if he is not wanting to draw me out and pursue me. I get quiet, I share less with him, when he asks what I'm thinking I say "Nothing" or shrug it off, I try to pretend I do not want his dominance, I don't mention it and just wait to see what he will do instead of putting myself out there and asking for it.

But... I'm a Control Freak!

My husband dominates me. He punishes me. He takes control of my emotions when I get too mouthy or disrespectful.

Last night, we were having a "correct my attitude" punishment session which I was not enjoying. None of my techniques to avoid punishment were working, and I was getting it. No, it wasn't sexy! Okay, it was a little sexy, but it hurt, and I was tired, and it was not fun!

Every time he got me close to that dreaded edge... remorse... openness... vulnerability... surrender...

I realized what was happening, flipped out, and tried to pull away. Only I couldn't go very far. Because he was holding me in place via a very, err, awkward place on my anatomy.

"Who is in control?" he asked.

The correct answer was You. But what I felt was, Mostly you.

I'm aware this was only in my head. He had hold of my body, was causing me pain, and was 100% in the right both biblically and by what we'd agreed to. But some little part of me did not want to give in. So while most of me was truly apologetic, that stubborn little wench inside of me crossed her arms and stamped her foot and said No! I did not want to give up control, you see. I was afraid of total surrender.

Punishment can make me surrender, you see. So can sub space. Once I go into that mode, I stop feeling "angry, wronged, mouthy, and mean" and start feeling downright ashamed of myself. I'll fight fight fight my punishment, listing a dozen different reasons I'm not wrong or he shouldn't punish me, and then I'll just start to lose the wind in my sails. The anger will slowly ebb out of me. I'll get kind of sad and mopey. My body will start to relax. Eventually, I'll relax completely, going limp, and with one final sigh I will turn toward him, bare my body to him for punishment, and say in a small, resigned voice, "Okay." (By this, I mean, "Okay, you're right; I accept my punishment and open myself to whatever punishment you decide to give me. You are my head.")

Yesterday I was having trouble getting to that place and staying there. He was right and I was wrong. I accepted what he gave me. But I still wanted to struggle a little bit. I didn't want to be pushed over that final edge into total surrender.

Because I am a control freak.

He knows this about me. He loves me anyway.

He kept punishing me. I accepted it... mostly. I apologized sincerely. But this tiny 1% of me was still feeling quite put out about the whole punishment thing. It kept showing through my tone of voice and when I would pull away and sulk. So he kept pulling me back and starting again.

"Why aren't you giving in to me?" he asked. "You're mine anyway."

Am not!!! tiny 1% of me shouted. "Because," the other 99% of me responded, "I'm a control freak. I'm a control freak!"


I want him to be in control. I long for it. But when the moment comes, I get a little panicky. Suddenly, I want to be in control of my emotions! I want to be in control of my body! You can't have them! Well, okay, you can have most of them, but leave me just a little bit, okay? OKAY????

Not okay.

He has just started powering through. I call this Operation Take Submission.

Eventually, we both know I am going to give in and start giving it more. (At least, I hope so! That's what training is for, right?) Operation Take Submission will give way to Operation Give and Take.

How do you give up your control freak tendencies and surrender? What things does your Dom do to take submission? Doms and Masters, how do you power through when your sub won't fully submit?

What Do You Expect from Your Dom

I was taking part in a good discussion on Fetlife asking what we expect from our Dominants. It was such an interesting question that I decided to post about it here.

Expectations are important because they can lead to anger, hurt, and bitterness when there are unmet expectations. On the other hand, it's important to have standards and not just fall for the first psuedo-Dom who writes you a really sweet email on CollarMe that sounds something like, "Hello, my slut. I am your Master and you will obey me NOW. Send naked photos." Having expectations also helps you know what you want out of a partner so you can find someone who matches your style of kink.

As written on Fetlife, here are my bon mots about my expectations of a Dominant:

The basics: honesty, commitment, monogamy, faith, integrity, communication. Basically just being a good person, things I'd expect in any man.

The specifics, that apply not to "any man I'd date" but specifically "a dominant": consistency, strength, power, commanding tone/presence, follow-through, initiative.

I think it's important to note that what I expect from a Dom is above and beyond just what I'd expect from a man. I have certain standards for men that I would date or marry. They have to be smart, Christian, honest, etc. As you can see above, I think my expectations for a boyfriend or husband are pretty basic for women in my culture.

Being a Dom or Master, to me, is a step above being marriage material. This is a man who goes above and beyond. It's more work and more responsibility (and, I hope, more reward). This isn't just a man who loves you and is faithful to you and raises children with you. This is a man who does all that while dominating and leading you! He can change diapers with one hand and keep a tight rein on you with the other. He mows the lawn and helps with the dishes, then turns around and spanks you for being disrespectful. He is indeed a kind of Superman! (Maybe I should get my Dom some tights or something???)



My answer on Fetlife was pretty short, so I wanted to explore each of my "Domly expectations" a bit more on here:

1. Consistency. This one was my first response because, guess what?, we'd just been talking about it! Without consistency, I get grumpy. I start to do little test and then bigger tests. Then I get mad and I complain. I need consistency from my Dom so that I know I can rely on him 100% of the time.




2. Strength. What makes a "husband and Dom" different from a "husband"? Probably strength. You can be a good husband and father and be a pretty easygoing, passive guy, but you can't be a Dom without strength. A man who is a Dominant has not only the strength to control himself, but strength greater than the strength of his wife. He can also control her and their children. His moral and emotional strength are greater than theirs, so they can rely on him.




3. Power. This is similar to strength. Being strong is not enough if you do not also wield the power in your relationship. A woman can't just give you power and you let it lie there idly at your feet; that's not D/s. You must take up the power she gives you and wield it, use it, exert it.




4. Commanding Tone. This one is important to me. A good Dom can quiet a woman and quell rebellion with a look and the tone of his voice. I think having a commanding tone is something I really respect and look for in a Dominant.




5. Commanding Presence. When the quelling looks and tone fail, as they sometimes will, a Dominant does not just shrug his shoulders and think, Oh well, let her do whatever she wants. He plays his next card, which is physical presence. This can be something traditional like spanking or something much more subtle like a subtly threatening posture that only his wife notices, but she knows what it means and quiets down!




6. Follow-Through. I look for this in a Dominant because anyone can make rules. Heck, we all like to boss others around and dictate that the world go according to our desires from time to time! It's easy to make demands, but it's hard to remember those demands later and enforce them when you're busy and tired and would rather not deal with a rebellious, cantankerous woman. When you feel exhausted and would rather give in, let her have her way, and just go to bed, it takes a strong man to follow through on getting his way anyway.




7. Initiative. This is just the precursor to follow-through. Without initiative, your boat never sets sail and gets underway, much less drifts atide and needs the Dominant's follow-through. A Dominant should know what he wants, where he wants the relationship to go, and how he wants to get there. A man with initiative and drive can form a plan for his relationship and provide leadership to his wife and children. Without starting your first foot on that journey, leadership can never happen.

Of course, I'm not saying all Dominants have to do this. But these are the things I tend to value in a self-proclaimed Dominant man. They make me feel safe. When I feel safe, I feel free to be more submissive. With these things, I feel safe, happy, cherished, and loved.

Barriers on the Road to Surrender

Subs may hit road bumps on the way to submission. Whether your immediate goal is getting her to subspace, punishing her, or simply getting her to relax, you will doubtless hit these bumps in the road. Sometimes they are small bumps, things that you notice but don't really hinder the journey. Sometimes they are full-on barriers in the road and you have to stop the car and remove the barrier before you can keep driving.

Some barriers are doubtless in your slave's control. Some of them are probably not; these are the instinctual, emotional, or even habitual responses. Eventually, these can become unlearned, but that will take training and consistency on your part.

Here are some things that can hinder subs from fully submitting:

• Fear. This is at the root of all the other barriers! Whether a sub is stubbornly telling you no, swearing her remorse if you stop caning her, or putting distance between you, they all stem from fear. The question is, what is she afraid of? She may be afraid of being seen as a doormat, being judged, being too sexual, losing her self-identity, being too needy, or any number of things. Sometimes she may not consciously know unless you ask her and make her think about it.




• Stubborness. This is definitely within a sub's control, and represents a basic failure on her part to allow herself to feel "loss of self". You can point out what she is doing and encourage her to let go of herself a bit and acquiese to you.




• Embarrassment. It is almost impossible to relax enough to surrender to another person if a sub is feeling embarrassed, because embarrassment focuses on yourself ("What do I look like? How am I being perceived?") instead of the other person. It is a natural reaction, but one your sub will have to get over to reach fuller submission. You may want to reassure her, distract her, or simply focus her attention back to you.




• Self-consciousness. This is related to embarrassment. If a sub is struggling with insecurity and self-consciousness, it's going to be difficult for her to go into subspace or reach that level after a punishment where she completely surrenders. When my Dom brings my focus back to him, or causes me pain to distract me, it helps me forget about feeling self-conscious.




• Anger. Feeling angry means she's feeling wronged somehow, whether rightly or wrongly. She may feel you are being unfair or unkind. If she is focusing on how wrong you are and how right she is, this gives her a sense of moral power and judgment over you. You may need to talk through the problem and listen to her feelings and validate them. Even if you do not change your original stance (and often you shouldn't!), simply letting her know you understand her feelings and that you have taken them into consideration can help.




• False apologies. This happens a lot right before or during a punishment. Subs will complain and holler, "Not fair!" and come up with a million excuses why they shouldn't be punished and a million ways they will never do it again. Especially if the punishment hurts, she may start apologizing profusely before she means it. I will say that for me, false apologies are not an attempt to be dishonest or lie to my Dom. However, when I'm in so much pain that I'll do anything to stop it, the, "I'm sorries!" just come flying out without me thinking about them because I am desperate to make the pain--which I am honestly sure I could not handle one more ounce of--stop. One solution to this is training in overcoming pain barriers; another is waiting to see if she still demonstrates an actual attitude change once the pain stops.




• Emotional distance. This is a weapon many women have learned when physically overpowering you is impossible. You are bigger and stronger, so you can control her body, but she can shut you out of her mind. This is her attempt to keep some power. Symptoms include sulking, avoiding eye contact, not answering questions, and getting quiet and withdrawn. She may do it when she is overloaded or overwhelmed. Emotional distance is poison for a relationship because it impedes communication, which is vital for reconciliation. Dr. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and its presence in a relationship makes you more vulnerable to divorce.




• Abuse triggers. Things that remind her of past abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, will garner intense physical reactions from her that she probably can't control. She may go completely numb and unmoving, or she may fight you like a tiger. She is not reacting to you; she is reacting to the situation. Abuse victims cannot usually control their reactions; their brains simply react to a perceived threat. Communication is key to understand what her triggers are, why those are triggers, and so that you can recognize the signs. You can also work to devise a plan to work past those triggers or make them less intense when they do occur.

Wait! I didn't add pain to the list! While it is possible for physical pain to jolt a sub out of subspace, it is interesting to note that pain can actually serve to put a sub into subspace. Once my Dom has gotten me to clear my mind and relax, it is often only a centering jolt of pain that I need to send me into subspace. I call it "centering" because it forces all other thoughts and concerns out of my head, and I focus only on one thing. It also makes me go into subspace easier because I find it sexy that he has power over me.

Let's go back to the subject of which of these "barrier to submission" are in your sub's control and which are not. Some are probably conscious choices she makes; others are subconscious decisions she makes and you may need to point out exactly what she's doing before she will realize it and correct the mistake. For instance, I know if I'm being stubborn. It's a conscious choice I make, and I deserve it when my Dom punishes me for it. On the other hand, I often don't realize when I start to bring myself out of subspace because I'm getting embarrassed about acting "too submissive," or when I am forgetting to make a verbal request because I assume he'll read my body language. In those cases, once he points it out to me, I realize what I'm doing and can make the choice to change my behavior.

Other barriers, however, are not in her control. A sub who has been abused cannot control panic attacks brought on by triggering that event. Telling her to relax in that situation will not do any good, because the truth is she can't relax. However, even the most instinctive reactions can be unlearned, with slow and careful navigation on your part, lots of communication, and patience as you train her body to un-learn old reactions and learn new ones.

One reason I like the BDSM idea of "training" over the idea of just going straight to discipline is that it gives the sub time to understand what reactions she is having, how they are affecting the relationship, and what the Dom would prefer she do instead. Training can include punishment, but it is often the final resort, and first the couple is expected to communicate. If my Dom tells me what he wants me to learn, why it's important, and how he wants me to learn it, that gives me time to adjust to a new and unfamiliar pattern of behavior under his guidance and tutorage. He can guide me through days and weeks of learning the new behavior, and punishment is a final resort rather than his first answer to everything.

Being A Feminist's Daughter

Sometimes, in the middle of a scene, I'll lose subspace and come jolting back to reality.

This happened yesterday.

I hate it when that happens. I love subspace. I love the feeling of calm relaxation. I love feeling so close to my Dom. I enjoy feeling his strength and power and masculinity.

But then, suddenly, I am afraid of those feelings.

I've talked in a previous post about how I feel submission and feminism can go hand-in-hand. But that doesn't mean it's always easy for me.

I used to be afraid of giving oral sex. But thanks to a very loving, patient husband, I am slowly learning to give head on my own terms. I am learning to enjoy it and see it as a symbol of submission. I can now kiss and adore this masculine part of him and feel grateful that he's letting me.

As I descended into subspace yesterday, I got more enthusiastic. I lost my inhibitions.

And then, I got embarrassed. I am still my mother's daughter, after all. What would she think if she knew I submitted to my husband? I could feel the judgment. Not from my mother. But from myself.

I paused from what I was doing. Shook my head to clear it. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and got a tiny frown. My forehead wrinkled up.

"What am I doing? I'm losing control. I must look ridiculous." Enter self-loathing.

My nice, dreamy subspace fled.

Of course, within a few minutes, he noticed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I sighed and laid my head against his thigh. "I lost it," I whined.

His hands reached for me. "It's okay, baby," he soothed. "We can get it back."

He knows that I struggle with this. That sometimes, I judge myself for what I think society and my family might think. That I struggle with letting go of total control.

Gently, firmly, with strong hands, he leads me back.

He takes the decision for me and decides this is what's best for us. He pushes me back into subspace, knowing that there I feel safer and happier and I can lean on him for support.

Sometimes he does it with punishment. Sometimes with a look. Sometimes with pain. Sometimes with pleasure. He is learning to play my mind and body like an instrument. He is getting better.

Someday, we will be experts at each other.

My mother is not in my marriage. She has no place in our bedroom.

Neither do my fears and insecurities. Slowly, he is showing them the door.

Can You Be a Feminist Submissive?

At the core, a feminist is someone--whether male or female--who believes females are equal to men in value and worth and should have the right to make their own decisions. It all comes down to choice.


First off, being "equal" to men doesn't mean we're the same. It obviously doesn't mean men can bear and breastfeed children or that women's bodies are designed to hunt. Men generally have more muscle mass and are taller and heavier. Their brains work differently, and they have different hormonal patterns.


But if you believe women can be just as smart and useful and helpful as men, you're a feminist. God designed us perfectly so men and women can complement each other in their lifestyles.

If you are a female submissive, you may struggle with aligning the cultural ideals for womanhood and femininity with your definition of "feminist."


Being a feminist all comes down to choice. It means letting a woman choose what she wants to do. If she wants to be a high-powered CEO, great. If she prefers to stay home and sew and cook, great. We feminists fall all along that spectrum. You can find us cooking, shopping, working, canoeing, hunting, knitting, watching tv, or being soldiers.

The true feminist chooses what she wants for her life. Did you look at your array of options and decide that one of your identities is to be a submissive? Good for you for knowing what you want! You are still a feminist.

I sometimes struggle with being a "feminist" and submissive. The cultural idea of a feminist is someone who thinks women should be bossy and act like men. But that isn't true. I enjoy dressing up in a nice dress and getting my hair and makeup done, but I also like hanging out in my PJs and wearing jeans and a t-shirt.


I thought a lot about the great questions, What do you want to be when you grow up? My parents gave me lots of great ideas based on what they saw as my strengths and abilities. Some of the things I considered were:

• a writer, because I love to write novels and am very expressive



• a singer/actress, because I have a great voice



• a lawyer, because I'm analytical, have a heart for social justice, and am good at manipulating words



• a teacher, because I enjoy learning new things and sharing that knowledge



• a counselor, because I'm nurturing and good at reading people



• an interpreter, because I love thinking fast on my feet and using languages



• a textbook editor, because I adore grammar rules



• a housewife, because I like having lots of free time to pursue my hobbies



• a bookstore owner, because I love to read



• a restaurant owner, because I have a great menu in my head already

On the other hand, I never considered being a vet, even though I love animals, because blood makes me sick and I cry when animals are hurt or dying. I never considered being in the military, even when they asked me to, because I'm not good at taking orders that I don't agree with and I value independence over uniformity.

My mother, who is the classic feminist you think of when you hear the word, would be pretty appalled if she knew I identified as a submissive. Changing from a radical, "I'm equal to you!" feminist to a submissive feminist is something that took me some time.

First, I realized I didn't want a man who was passive like my father. My dad is great and loved us, but he was not able to protect his children from abusive situations because he valued keeping the peace too much. Also, I saw how much my mother resented him because she had to do all the work of making decisions about money, kids, vacations, planning dates, and getting things done. Even though she wanted the control, she resented the pressure it put on her year after year when my dad just handed over the reins without a complaint.

Second, I realized that I wanted to be able to respect and love a man. I dated many nice, passive boys whom I loved, but the love and passion always died because I couldn't respect them. I didn't respect them because they did not insist on respect from women or other men.

As my ideal mate for myself started to morph into a different idea than my parents had, slowly, I started realizing that I might have to make some changes in my lifestyle. I couldn't insist on having all the control and power in a relationship and still get what I wanted in a mate.

Eventually, I read the book Liberated Through Submission at the advice of a Christian friend. Although this book is about Christian principles of marriage rather than D/s, it made me see myself differently. I started to realize that maybe I should give up some control in order to get the safety and protection I wanted from a man. I also, for the first time, was forced to understand that if I were going to live my life by Biblical principles, I couldn't just ignore these few unpopular verses like many Christians today do. I would have to change my life to conform to the Bible. Also, this book introduced me to Biblical commands I'd never heard preached or talked about in today's pro-feminist society. And last, this book made me long to have the strong leader in my household that the author had in her husband.

I will add, of course, that my mother's friends saw me reading this book and were appalled. But I kept reading, because I didn't want their marriages. Sure, they are happy and in love and have great husbands, but they always have to be The Boss. They can never lose it and cry on their husbands' laps and have their husbands hold them and reassure them and take care of the problem for them. That's fine for them if that's what they want (Feminism = Choice!), but it wasn't what I wanted.

Also, it's been years since I read that book, and I still do not follow those Biblical verses perfectly. I am far from the perfect model of Biblical submission in a marriage. But I am much, much closer!

Eventually, I started dating stronger men. I went too far and dated an abusive jerk. He was not a feminist. He did not think I should have a say in my own life and desires and career. He did not respect my right to choice. After that ended, I had learned a valuable lesson: I needed a man who would respect me and my brain, even while protecting and leading me.

Finally, I met my (future) husband and ended up here: a feminist who chooses to be a submissive because she has found a good, godly Christian man who is also a feminist. Yes, my Dom believes that women have the right to choose their own paths. But for us, based on the Bible and our personalities and desires, this works.

I am a submissive. I am also highly educated and very successful in my career. I am opinionated and vocal with our families and friends. Heck, I am opinionated and vocal with him. :) Being a submissive does not keep me from being a successful, educated, well-paid woman. It doesn't keep me from fighting with my Dom about the normal married-people issues like in-laws and money. It just means this is the choice I have made. My feminist choice. My submissive choice.

To read more about how feminism and submission go together in BDSM relationships, see Nan's article, A Feminist Submissive?

Pain to Control Me

Some people have places that feel more "submissive" than others. For instance, I enjoy having my nipples hurt. I don't like the pain, but I love the submissive feeling. On the other hand, other women like having their necks bitten or their clits pinched. To each her own, I say. As I mentioned in my last post, my Dom has been gone a lot. He's taken a new job and I'm finishing up my old one, so for 2 months we're living apart and seeing each other on weekends. It's hard, especially since we don't find time to spend real quality time bonding and talking as easily when we're only together for 1.5 days a week. Last weekend, however, we took some time where he pinned my arms behind my back (I like to be restrained with rope/handcuffs because I can't move, but he enjoys using his hands and feeling me fight) and pinched my nipples. Alone, this wouldn't turn me on so much, but when he looks into my eyes and tells me why he's doing it??.... I melt. When my Dom tells me quietly that he knows it hurts and it means for it to hurt, it turns me on so much. Those words turn me on more than touching ever could. I think this is because, when he's hurting me, part of my brain is confused about what exactly he means. There are several options:

• he doesn't realize he's hurting me and is just being inept at the pain/pleasure thing


• he's hurting me because he's an asshole


• he's hurting me because he wants me to feel controlled, to prove that I'm his

If I'm not sure, I tend to assume it's Option #1 above. This just annoys me that he can't tell if he's hurting me or not. Or, given my past experience with men, I figure it's also possible it's Option #2. But when he holds me down and hurts me and tells me that he's doing it on purpose, and that he owns me, and that I'm his to cause pain to as he wants.... ahhh, something about that just melts my heart and turns me on wildly.

Once he's hurt me and told me why and how he's doing so, I'm his. I'll let him fuck my mouth... I'll let him come all over me and rub it into my skin... I'll let him climb on top of me and slide into me as he tells me to serve him. Without that pain and feeling of being controlled, I'd never let those things happen. Yet in that moment, I'm completely his.

Doms.... take the time to communicate with your sub what you're doing, and why, and to make sure he or he knows that you know just how much pain you're causing.

*happy sigh*

Headcovering in Church and My Submission

My Dom has been gone for the last 2 weeks, so when he came home this week we had the best time ever. We chatted over coffee and empty plates at lunch (talking = "bonding time"!), browsed the Catholic bookstore in our area, got a lot done around the house, had a BBQ with a friend, and sat outside in the warm sunlight and talked about religion.

All in all, a great time!

When he has been gone so long, I tend to get sort of uppity with him. I forget who is in charge and just get used to doing my own thing, when and how I want. Then when he comes back and tries to re-assert dominance, I tend to frown a lot and complain. Just who does he think he is? I find myself thinking. I've been taking care of myself just fine.

For instance, after reading the Bible verse 1 Corinthians 11:2-16 about women covering their heads when praying (we interpret this as referring mostly to in church) as well as this insightful Muslim critique of Christian women who do not follow this command, my hubby and I decided to go ahead and cover my head during church services on Sundays. Because it would embarrass me, he graciously allows me to go bare-headed when we attend with my mother and family, but otherwise he is usually good to remember to grab a mantilla or scarf for me to hang over my head during church. I don't mind it, and generally I find it helps me to focus more on humility and paying attention in church than worrying about what my hair and makeup look like.

A side note: Yes, I know that many commentaries believe this verse only spoke about women's hair, or that it no longer applies today. However, after in-depth study, I tend to agree with scholars, like those at Words of His Grace, who think this command still applies today. And no, I do not think women who don't wear the headcovering are sinning or being bad Christians. This is simply a simple way that I think many nuns and Muslims today, and holy women of the past, showed their humility and modesty and faith.

It gives me a good feeling when my Dom runs into the bedroom to grab a mantilla (which he gifted me with this Christmas, a very special gift), carries it carefully in his pocket, and then unfolds it and silently hands it to me before the service. It makes me feel like this is something we are doing together, after joint study and prayer, and not just because I wanted to. I also appreciate that it makes me remember that I am under my husband's authority, and not just God's, although of course I'm always under God's first and foremost.

This week, however, I asked my Dom why he has me cover my head during church services on Sundays, but not when I go individually to weekday services every once in a while, and not when we pray or worship at home. The verse seems to be speaking to women in prayer, not just women in prayer at church.

He told me that, when I go to weekday mass alone, he does not mind if I follow our culture's tradition of not covering my head. He says since he is not there, I do not need a symbol of his authority. He likes the headcovering because it symbolizes both my humility as a Christian women (and especially as a submissive), but also my submission to him and to God. My question is: does the Bible indicate that I don't need to wear it when I'm at church alone? Is the headcovering supposed to represent a woman's submission to her husband or to men in general, at least within the church?

I'm not yet sure of these answers, and I'm excited to do some research and learn more.

Either way, it made me happy to sit there beside him and have my head covered, especially since he was the one who ran back inside to get the covering and who helped me make sure my hair stayed modestly covered during the service. It made me happy when he whispered to me how pretty it made me look. This outward symbol of submission helped me get back into the mindset of our D/s relationship as a married couple, even after he'd been gone for a long time and I'd gotten out of the habit of submitting.

"Natural Submission"

I had a great question from a fellow blogger...

What does "natural submission" mean to me? Why do I use that phrase so much in my blog?

Obviously, I don't identify as naturally submissive; my blogs are pretty clear on that. But it's a phrase I use because I hear it so much on the FetLife community. In the Submissive Women group, I feel like the women there are sometimes obsessed with being "naturally submissive." I want to ask them why being naturally submissive, as opposed to having to work at it, or (gasp!) being forced into it, is the preferred state. Women seem to wear it as a badge of honor: "I'm NATURALLY submissive," or worse, "I'm a true submissive."

Does that make the rest of us false submissives? Bad subs? Of lesser value? I'm not sure if that is the intended meaning, but for some women, I think they believe that if they can't hammer their personality into being a true or natural submissive, they aren't being 100% submissive.

My view is that submission is something that can be attained in many ways. You can have a personality that is naturally more complacent and focused on pleasing other people, or you can be a spitfire of a man or woman, with money and opinions and education of your own. There is no one right or true way into submission.

As far as Dominants go, from what I can tell, there are those who like all manner of subs. Some of them expect a women to fall at their feet after the first badly spelled and pornographic intro message (as if). Some want a sub who is submissive to all Masters and Mistresses and Dominants, while others expect their sub to only answer to them and treat everyone else as equals, regardless of BDSM "status." I've certainly read forums where Doms and Masters--and their female counterparts--are looking for subs who are assertive and brave in most areas of their lives. It all depends on what a particular Top wants.

So why do I use the phrase "naturally submissive" a lot in my blog? Well, usually because I'm starting the sentence with "I'm not _______". And I'm not. I use this idea because it is so prevalent, sometimes even desired, by subs I come across in the blogging and Fetlife communities. If that's what they want? What their Tops want? What they desire to be? Awesome. I have no issue with it.

But I hope my blog makes it clear that you don't have to be a "naturally submissive" sub to be a "good" sub. I've identified a quality that many subs seem to lust after, or parade around if they've already attained it. And I'm trying to show that I don't need to be that person, that I'm not that person.

People will sometimes send me emails, asking my advice about something or other in their BDSM lifestyles. I try make it clear through my writings that yes, there are many, many, many people out there who strive for the "naturally submissive" approach, but that isn't all of us. I want to highlight that it's possible to be a success in your D/s or M/s relationship and still not conform to certain ideals in the community. You can be a strong man or woman and still make some Top very happy.

Naturally submissive? Truly submissive? Or do you have to work at it? Or do you have to be tied up and beaten into submission?

It's all good to me.

Becoming a submissive

As we approach our one-year anniversary, I've been deep in thought about how our relationship has changed and grown. Although I had real trouble with the submissive lifestyle in the beginning, that's slowly changing. Once I was in the safety and security of a marriage, I felt safe enough to trust my Dom and slowly give up some of my stubborn, hell-bent-on-my-way attitude. Obviously, this is something that needed to go for our D/s relationship to work. :)

I asked my Dom this week if he were surprised by how our relationship turned out. He said no, but he is happy, and that he had hoped I would eventually become more docile and he could become more bossy.

Do we still have issues with our D/s relationships? Sure. Because unlike some kinksters, I don't have a desire to submit myself all the time. Rather, I more often wish to be conquered--to fight it out and be defeated. This can be hard when my Dom is expecting "submission" and I am expecting "conquest."

But we're learning.

Slowly, I'm learning that submitting out of my own will is not necessarily "giving in" or "losing." And my husband is learning that to a wife with strict internal guidelines as to what is fair or right, sometimes he can't just sit back and expect me to give in, but he has to rise to the challenge and make me. Whether that entails pinning my hands so I can't fight him, tying me up, or just giving me a stern look and threatening to spank me, he's learning that there are ways to facilitate my submission to him. He's also learning that even when I complain that he's being too bossy or controlling, it's often more bark than bite, and I'll let him get away with it if he keeps pushing.

I've always been attracted to the D/s lifestyle, from the first time I heard about it. Over time, I've changed my mind as to what kind of D/s relationship I want, from Owner/puppy to Dom/sub to Master/slave to Christian Domestic Discipline to Taken in Hand to bondage to spanking. Sometimes our attempts at D/s have worked better than others. But overall, I feel I'm well on the way to being conquered and turned, eventually, into a truly submissive wife.

Eventually.

Ways to Encourage a Submissive Attitude

While some subs and slaves like to brag about how they are "true submissives" or "naturally submissive," I think that's a load of hogwash. Yes, some of us are more naturally submissive or passive, and others have to work at it.

Me? I have to work at being submissives sometimes. Sometimes, I have to be forced into it by my hubby. Sometimes, he can't force me into it and he has to punish me or let me get away with it---whatever he decides. And sometimes, I feel naturally submissive.

And I'm like the weather. You never know which one I'm going to be from day to day.

How to my husband and I deal with this? For those of us who aren't always (or ever) "naturally" submissive, hope is not lost. There are ways to foster the feeling of submission and feeling small or overpowered. And these are things that both of you can do as well!

For the Dom/Domme:

• be consistent with your behavior, even if your sub does not respond consistently


• provide punishment for bad behavior quickly. Give 1 or 2 chances, not 10 or 12, and then punish your sub if he or she doesn't respond the way you want them to.


• find ways to assert your dominance, even in small everyday matters. Be bossy! Get your sub used to taking orders all the time, not only at certain times of day or during a scene.


• find a "codeword" or symbol and train your sub to feel submissive when he or she hears this command


• make punishments harsher to give your sub some extra motivation to behave!


• find ways to make your sub relax; this will lead him to obey


• require her to do something that will remind her of her submission to you every hour or every few hours to keep her in the submissive mindset


• give "maintenance spankings"

For the sub:

• have a glass of wine or a beer to help you relax. A relaxed sub will naturally feel more submissive.


• have a mantra or routine that you do throughout the day to help you retain your subby feeling and not drift back up into "topspace."


• read submissive journals and blogs


• keep a submissive journal


• work on bettering yourself or doing 1 nice thing for your Dominant each day

Any other ideas? Add 'em in the comments! :)

Different Kinds of Submissives

This post will be short and simple! I don't like many of the online "Types of Submissives" Guides, which make it seem like there is a right kind of a submissive and several wrong kinds, or else use deragatory names to refer to submissives. So I'm making my own list!

There are a few different kinds of submissives:

• service


• sexual


• household


• all of the above


• pain

The service submissive is probably the most common in my experience. This submissive spends a lot of time doing acts of service, such as drawing the Dom's bath, massaging him (or her) when he's tense, bringing him food and drink, or otherwise making his life more comfortable.

The sexual submissive may not bring the Dom his coffee every morning, but she is sexually available for him at all times. The training for these kinds of submissives often includes sexual training to enlarge the anus for more easy anal sex, learning to deep throat, and other sexual services. This is largely the kind of submission you'll find in erotica stories such as The Training of O.

The household submissive is less common, but this sub spends his or her time cleaning, taking care of the household chores, cooking, and keeping the home neat and welcoming. The only time I've ever heard of someone being ONLY a household sub was a poly situation where other subs were already meeting the Master's needs for sex, service, and companionship.

All of the above submissives incorporate sexual submission, care of the household, and service. These are most common in monogamous BDSM relationships.

Pain submissives are, simply put, masochists. They often don't enjoy other aspects of submission, but they do enjoy pain. These submissives are often only submissive in the bedroom or during a play session, but revert back to an equal relationship when not getting his or her "pain needs" met.

The Conquered Submissive

Many slaves and submissives in D/s relationships talk about concepts with clever little catch phrases like true submissive, authentic submission, freely given, and obedience.

While these type of forum discussions are certainly in the majority, those catch phrases make me squirm. Not in a good way.

I can admit it. I do not want to submit. I do not want to simper, kneel, bow, or modestly lower my eyes. I do not want to give him anything, I do not consider myself to have a true submissive personality, I do not have a longing to serve and I do not go quietly into that good night of consensual slavery.

Call me intelligent, call me mouthy, call me proud, call me haughty, call me educated, call me a feminist. You'd be right. I just can't give my husband submission. People are equals. I don't give my respect, and especially not my freedom, lightly. I give them to those powerhouse people in my life who earn it, people who awe me, people who defeat me.

I love, love reading the many submissive blogs out there by writers such as MD's Precious Treasure, Jake's Kajira, Peacefully Submissive (she's in labor right now, by the way!), Luna's Submissive Guide, and Persephone in Love. I learn so much, and I enjoy hearing about how a submissive woman can find true meaning, peace, and happiness with her mate.

But those women aren't me.

I don't want to be told not to sit on the toilet seat or denied an orgasm. I want to be conquered. I want to be dominated. I want to be subdued.

Because I'm a linguist, I have to point this out: did you notice that all those words I just used to describe what I want are derived from the verb form of the word? It's all about the action. To describe me as "submissive" rings false to me because I, while I greatly respect the women who do, do not get my main sense of identity from being dormant or servile. I don't want the identity of a submissive; I want to be with a man who holds the title of Dominant. He can be a dominant, a master, a warrior, a king. I want to get my identity, not from the quality of my actions, but from him. Who is he. That is where I want to derive my identity, and with it all the adjectives I use to describe myself.

Is this possible? I don't know. But at least I'm not alone.

It took me a long time to dredge these up out of the vast internet abyss (I know there's a lack of information by other people on this kind of D/s relationship because one of the first Google search results was mine), but eventually I managed to pull out a few "conquered" women posts and blogs after wading through the much vaster and more popular expanse of the blogs of willing slaves and submissives. Jake'skajira (her real name is Emma)'s blog was immensely helpful to me during my search; other than me, she is one of the few submissive women I know who struggles with the idea of being "submissive" and feels another label fits her better (I use "conquered," she uses "prey").

Here's what Emma had to say in How We Met:

He kissed me and put me in my car, I went home and furiously masturbated to the idea of him coming and forcing himself on me.

We weren't "bdsm" or Master and slave, but the reason I proposed to him, was because I asked him, "I think a wife is property of her husband, do you have an issue with that?"

He knew he wanted a D/s style relationship with someone who was adaptable and mold-able... who didn't mind his being a control freak. I was looking for an "old fashioned relationship with a man who wouldn't let me walk all over him and could put up with my crazy shit."

And here are some quotes that really resonated with me from her post Submissive:

I am not service oriented, I don't "obey" or do things the way most people who identify as submissive do (title wise). I submit in the true sense of the word, when I am pushed, and forced, I submit. I lower my eyes, even as I cuss him out. My body language gives me away even when my mind is rebelling, its so instinctual in my wiring, that I can't help it.

It's the deer-in-head light look when he catches me off guard, its the way I say no and fight him, but if he pushes hard enough, I give in.

I am not wired like that. I am not "submissive" in the sense of how most people use it here on fetlife.

It's easy to call yourself submissive when you willingly are doing it, when you acknowledge that you want to do those things... think in my head, its easier for me to think of being victimized or prey, then feel weak as a person to submit to things I hate.

It's easy to say yes. It's easy to call yourself submissive when its a choice.

It's a whole nother ball game when it's not a choice.

Amen, sister! I really liked the part about how she feels different from most submissives on Fetlife, but that doesn't make her any less of a submissive in a D/s relationship, which she has. And it's so true that it's easy to be a sub when it's what you want, what you crave and desire, and when you have needs to be of service that get met. It's a lot harder when you don't have a need to submit, but you do have a need to fight and be defeated by a strong, fearless man who will love and protect and yes, even defeat you.

This sub on an online forum also echoed these same ideas of wanting to be conquered:

In my public life i am a brassy, confident woman. However, in my mind I have always wanted to be taken, owned and conquered.

The advice given to her in the forum? Take baby steps. Sigh.

Although it isn't technically a BDSM site, I went to Taken in Hand hoping they, at least, would have some pro-women-not-being-doormats articles, and as usual, I was not disappointed. I can always count on TiH to have a good mix of willingly submissive and completely conquered women.

One article, The Subjection of Women (do they mean the "subjugation" of women????) had these words of wisdom, music to my bratty ears:

Some women want and need to be brought into subjection. They crave the man's control and respond positively to active control, but without active control on his part submission is impossible. These women cannot fake submission; it must be real. It cannot be a pretence, a role-playing game or a lifeless cardboard cut-out imitation. It must be from the heart and soul, no hint of artificiality, acting or mendacity. But when a man brings such a woman into subjection and thereby releases her delitescent submissiveness, the power and reality and unforced naturalness of her submission can be awe-inspiring.

I also love DeeMarie's thoughtful article, The Importance of Conquest:

When I describe myself as “submissive” I mean something rather specific: I mean that I really enjoy being conquered by a strong, masculine, dominant man, and being forced to surrender to him. But I don't just submit to a man if he is not able and willing to actually conquer me. I don't even quite know what that would mean. I find it hard to relate at all to the idea of submission without conquest. If the man is just going to sit there like a lump of jello and not actively dominate me, then why in the world would I submit to him? I might as well ‘submit’ to the sofa.

A wonderful, wonderful article on conquering women that should be read by all Dominant men and women and all subs can be found on the Taken in Hand website. I'm not sure if the author is a man or a woman (I hope a man, because I want to marry him?), but if you're struggling with the idea of conquering as opposed to submitting, this article offers a candid look at consensual non-consent and answers such important questions and issues as these:


* Bring a woman into subjection? No! I must have consent, or I will not control. I abhor violence! I am a firm believer in fully equal rights for women.
* What I want is a submissive woman who will willingly surrender, not a shrew who needs to be tamed.

* Forced submission? If submission is not freely given, I don't want it!

* If she wants her man to lead, why doesn't she just follow him?”
* Why would a man have any interest in fighting a woman for control?”
* Why bother?
* Sounds like a lot of work to me. Why would any man want a woman who is so difficult?”

To read more of this insightful, awesome article, click here.

And good luck in your conquering.

P.S. The Subjection of Women links for some reason aren't working; simply refresh the page or re-click the http once you get the 403 error and it will go straight there!

Is it Necessary to Give "Total Submission"?

If you look at online kink forums and Fetlife, you'll sometimes notice that people seem to think a "good" sub is someone in a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship.

That's great for people living in TPE relationships, but what about people who are in online relationships or simply can't or don't want to ve in full-time D/s relationships?

Is it possible to be a good sub and not submit 100% of the time? Yes. Is it okay to identify as a submissive or slave and still struggle with giving up your sense of self at times? Yes. Check out the following quote from a Fetlife member:

I wish I knew how to give total submission. I'm struggling to let go of my
personal power and give myself to my Master fully.

This is how I feel every day. Total submission isn't just something you can decide to give and then it magically happens. Like being a good wife, husband, or parent, it's a process. Like being sacrificial, selfless, or generous, there are things we must sometimes work at.

The good news is, the more you practice submitting, the more easily it will come to you. And the same goes for mastery over another human being: the more you are dominating, the easier it will be to get close to a 24/7 goal, if that's your goal.

But for those of you who don't really want to be in a 24/7 TPE relationship, that's fine. Don't believe all the BDSM websites that make it seem like the only niche for you in the BDSM world is either as a Master (Mistress) or as a slave.

There is room in BDSM for pets, owners, part-time lovers who just like to try a little spanking and bondage from time to time, submissives, switches, masochists, sadists, Daddies, Mommies, little girls, and part-time submissives. There is no "One Right Way" to forge your relationship and there is no "goal" such as, "You must become a completely submissive person within 3 months of entering your D/s relationship." Heck, my Dom and I have been D/s for two years and we still haven't mastered the full-time dynamic. I still act like a bossy brat sometimes, per my upbringing, and sometimes we just act like a normal vanilla couple.

And you know what? That's okay.

I'm Lovin' It

Yes, I'm humming the McDonald's theme song.... and not because I like Mickey D's (ew), but because I'm happy in my D/s relationship.

I don't think it matters if you are vanilla, M/s, D/s, Taken in Hand, codependent, CDD, or whatever else you want to be, as long as you are both happy. In fact, even though I identify as D/s as well as CDD and Taken in Hand, I still have long and fruitful talks with my vanilla girlfriends about sex, relationships, and men. Relationships are just relationships, and even my BDSM marriage has more in common with a vanilla relationship than it differs.

Right now, I'm frustrated because Blogger doesn't have a gadget so I can publish my comments that I make to other people's blogs. There are so many great blogs out there to do with D/s, that I find through the blogrolls of the blogrolls of my Google Readers, and I comment on them because they're good and they make me think. I want my readers to be able to see these great blogs as well as my comments on them, and I also want to be able to find these blogs later once my "internet trail" is all but forgotten in a blitz of right-clicking and opening new tabs from the blogs I'm on. I'm always amazed by how many good D/s blogs there are out there.

So why am I happy?

I got a lot of sleep. That's always awesome for me. I was traveling the last five days and up late every night. When I got home, I kept my exhausted body up til 2:30 am with my husband, first fighting and then making love, and I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon the next day! (!!!!!) I mean, I normally sleep til 8:30 or 9 am. Sleeping in til 10:30 is a great morning for me. I cannot remember a time I have ever slept that late, but it really screwed up my sleep schedule since at 5:30 am this morning I was awakened by a purring kitty and felt wide awake.

I'm also happy because of the cats. We have two kitties, near and dear to my heart. One of them, the snobby one I've had since she was a kitten, is cuddly and nice about once a week, and the rest of the time is aloof, grouchy, needy, jealous, and whiny. But today, since I was gone for five days, she has been purring and laying on my lap, even though I'm typing.

The other one we adopted when she was about a year old from a family who had saved her from being put down by a neglectful owner. I'm not sure WHY this owner would ever put her down, since she is the most laid back, low-maintenance, lovey and friendly cat I have ever met. It makes me so mad when people do not take care of their animals. When we got her, she was ugly and scrawny, bony with nasty, gross-feeling yellowed fur that felt icky no matter how many times I gave her a bath. Now, a year after being in a happy, healthy home with regular access to nutrition and meals, she is a gorgeous, white, chubby kitty with soft, fluffy, healthy fur. I'd like to just punch her old owners in the face, whoever they were.

Anyway, this second one is usually pretty self-sufficient and uses humans only to be petted. I knew she loved to cuddle and get pets, but I assumed I was about as important to her as any warm machine that could deliver the same amount of cuddles and pets. However, leaving for 5 days has proved me wrong! She has followed me around for two days now, purring at a ridiculously loud volume and basically loving all over me. Cuddles, tummy rubs, purrs, kneading, and batting at the air have been going on for two straight days now. I think she actually missed me! In fact, last night I climbed in to bed, and she climbed up and flopped down next to me and started rolling on her back and pawing the air so energetically that she forgot where she was and slid right off the bed. It was hilarious! I saw her realize she was going down, too, and her little ears went back and she tried to grab the bedsheets as she slid down with a crash. It was pretty funny!

Anyway, aside from cats and lots of sleep, I'm happy in my relationship. It's such a strange feeling for me, after years of never trusting or being happy. Trust and happiness are still elusive for me, but it's improving. I don't always trust my Dom, but I'm slowly starting to more and more. We both hope that after years of marriage, I will eventually be able to open my heart to him and be fully healed.

We've had sex three times in three days, which is unheard of for us with my past of sexual abuse. I can go for 4 to 6 weeks with no sex without blinking, which drives him nuts. In fact, he really hurt my feelings the other day by telling me that although sex is great when we have it, the lack of frequency makes our sex life unfulfilling for him. I pride myself on being good at sex, and on fulfilling him in other ways than vaginal intercourse, so that news really, really hurt me---and made me less likely to want to have sex with him. Sexual healing is a vicious cycle.

Last night he gave me some new rules (hurray!) and although I don't like all of them, I am excited to have that structure. I don't think there's such a thing as too many rules for me, as long as he is able to remember and consistently enforce them all.

One of my rules is to have dinner ready at 5:30 pm. Yesterday I was very bad and got hooked on reading blogs, so I had to grab a fast dinner (cold chicken pasta salad on crackers) to get done on time, and I was really cutting it close at 5:28 pm. But I still made it! It wasn't a culinary masterpiece so I'm not really proud of it, but there's so much left over we'll probably have it for dinner the next two nights.

Another of my rules is to be sexually available at all times. This is also hard for me, due to the aforementioned lack of sex. I'm just normally not that interested. Intercourse scares me and makes me feel used and disliked. It's hard to train myself otherwise, even though in my head I know he loves me.

Last night, we had sex and it was very nice. But for some reason, I couldn't handle the "tender lovemaking" scene. I felt needy and spread too thin, like there were a billion ways I could go and I felt completely overwhelmed by them all. I didn't like it when he was trying to bring me pleasure tenderly. It just made me feel panicked. (I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this confession, but hey---I admit I've been screwed up and I'm healing, and I admit I prefer a codependent and enmeshed marriage to an independent one.)

Anyway, part of my training---he hasn't said this, but I can tell---is that he's trying to train me to ask for what I want, emotionally and sexually. This is very difficult for me. I tend to hint, or whine, or complain, or demand, or beg, but never simply make a request. I don't know why. Making a request makes me feel too needy, too scared, and too vulnerable, so I attempt other means to get what I want. Unfortunately, he seems to have caught on.

So he's slowly forcing me to make requests. He's stopped responding to my hints and moans and scrunched-up, unhappy faces, even though he usually probably knows what I want. Sigh. He forces me to say the words out loud and finish them with a "please."

Well, I don't like to ask for stuff sometimes. It's embarrassing to ask him for my vibrator or to ask him to hurt me. I feel like those desires aren't "normal" and they are shunned by society. A Christian wife should enjoy lying there, being made love to by her husband. But as a submissive, I want more. I don't want to be made tender love to (at least not usually, but sometimes I do!). I want to be hurt, controlled, and made demands of.

Last night, I needed to be controlled. "Making love" left open too many possibilities that just scared me to death. I wanted to be held down and used. Specifically, I wanted his hand on my throat, threatening that ultimate submission of lack of air.

I whined, and I scrunched up my face, and I twisted around, but he wouldn't do it. I think he knew what I wanted, too. Stubborn man. Sigh. I took his hand and put it back around my throat, but he wouldn't do it. Panicky me.

Finally, he laughed with a low growl and said, "Ask me for what you want."

Sigh. I hate asking. Especially for things society tells me I "shouldn't" want, even though I know in the BDSM community and with my Dom they are perfectly normal and acceptable, things "good girls" don't want or need like being slapped or hit or called names or having their husband grab them by the throat while they're making love. I just need something that makes lovemaking a little less intense and scary while I'm learning how to deal with it.

So, [groan], I asked for it. I even said please. My Dom didn't judge me for wanting to be held down and my throat grabbed, he just did it and kept one or both hands around my throat for the remainer of the time. When he took his hands away, I felt panicky and insecure. When he put them back, I was able to relax and go limp. I don't know why, but I needed that extra control.

Afterward, we cleaned off and drifted to sleep. I like it best when he grabs my hair or throat as I fall asleep, when he squeezes me tight against him with one hand and tangles his hand in my hair and pulls gently with the other hand. I need that slight tug of pain to feel safe as I drift to sleep.

This morning, I woke up at 5:30 because Cuddly Cat was flipping herself out purring so much as she snuggled her little face into my poor chin. Seriously, that cat was LOUD. I'm going to Europe in a few days and I can hardly wait to see how happy they'll be when I come back.

Anyway, I wanted to be squished, hair pulled lightly, body smushed down, but he isn't very good at that when he's sleepy. He just wants to cuddle vanilla-style. But then he woke up and asked if I wanted to have sex.

I was honest and said no, but I'd be willing. So he said okay and he had to go to work soon anyway. I think he wanted a little more enthusiasm on my part.

Well, one of my new rules is that I'm supposed to be available for sex at all times. I assumed this meant I had to be willing, even when I didn't want to. But as soon as I said I was willing, but not excited, he just gave in to me and said okay. So even though I didn't want to have sex, then my feelings were a little hurt because he didn't want to have sex with me. Even when I don't want to have sex, I want him to want me, you see? It's complicated, but then I'm a woman.

So I asked him if my feelings should be hurt, and when he realized I was willing and remembered he'd instructed me to be ready at all times, he went ahead and did it. He had to command me to open my legs a few times, and I wasn't warmed up so it was uncomfortable and it hurt. That excited me, since I like it when he enjoys me with little to no regard to my feelings or desires (maybe not all the time, but it's hot every once in a while!).

He pushed my legs over his head, and that hurt me so much I was crying out in pain, so he took pity on me and slammed me in regular missionary-style position. It hurt a bit, but not so much I couldn't take it, and I think he likes my breathing and cries when I'm in pain. I'm not sure if he knows which noises are "horny" and which ones are "pain," but I think he can normally tell and likes them both equally.

Once he was done, I took a quick shower with him and then he went to work. The sex may not have been mind-blowing orgasmic, but I've noticed that the more we have sex, the more open I am to the idea later, even if I'm not raring to go I'm at least willing. And it makes me just generally more open to his kisses and cuddles for the next several hours as well. I guess sex really is the glue that binds marriages together.

Today, I've been asked to drink some water (so I stay healthy and don't get a UTI from the sex) and also to put away my clothes. I'm not sure if he means my dirty clothes from my trip, or the clean clothes on top of the dresser, so I'll just do both.

It's a hot, muggy summer day here in Missouri, but life is good and I'm a happy sub. I'm finally being given rules, sex, structure, and commands. Life is good!

The Different Kinds of Submission

There are two types of submission: natural and learned. Each of us has both inside us, even our tops and dominants. For those of us who identify primarily as submissives in our relationships, rest assured that we all carry both elements of submission inside us.


What is submission?

Submission: the act of submitting; usually surrendering power to another. Meekness: the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness.

Submission can be an inborn trait, but it can also be learned. It can also be enforced from the outside by a stronger power, but that is more similar to conquest. Submission can be an attitude or an inner strength. You can also have submissive actions.


The Bible speaks a lot about submission. We are all called to submit to one another.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. -Ephesians 5:21

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. -Romans 13:1-2

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. -James 4:7

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not
come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. -1 Peter 3:1-7

Submissives are full of inner strength, grace, and quiet beauty. It takes a strong woman to submit and an even stronger one to develop a fully submissive attitude. As a submissive, you can bring many blessings to your family and your partner, as well as to your church and community.

One thing I do not like in BDSM communities is the talk about a "true submissive." This implies that there is a right and a wrong way to be submissive. It insinuates that some submissives are better than others, that they are "more truly" submissive. Not only is this rude and degrading to other submissives, but in my opinion it shows an alarming lack of humility.

Some submissives will post about how they are "natural submissives," as though that makes them better than those of us who have to work at it. I dislike this attitude. We are all working toward a common goal, and the only judge of how "submissive" we are should be Christ, ourselves, and our husbands--in that order. No matter how "naturally submissive" you are, you still have areas you could improve upon. That is why we all have dual natures to our submission: the natural and the learned.

Natural Submission
Natural submission is something all of us, even the most toppy Master, have. All of us have times in our lives when we naturally acquiese to the desires of those around us, whether to our parents when we were younger, to our partner or children, to a policeman or other civil authority, to Christ and the authority of His Church, or to our boss. We don't have to fight our natural instincts to submit; we just recognize an authority over us and do as we are asked. This is natural submission.

Learned Submission
Learned submission is what we fall back on when we run out of natural submission. Maybe we don't want to do what we've been asked or told, even if the request comes from an authority figure. In those cases, we make a conscious decision to submit anyway. Perhaps we disagree with our boss, but we do it anyway. Or you are angry at your Dom and feeling bratty, but you swallow your pride and accept his authority graciously. That is learned submission.

I often find myself using learned submission in my relationship with Christ. Perhaps I don't want to follow His rules (stamp foot here). Sometimes it is hard for me to not want to try pot, or engage in premarital sex, or drag myself out of bed to church. In these instances, I rely on my self-discipline to get me through, not any naturally submissive tendencies of my own.

Additionally, there are two types of learned submission: types you teach yourself, and types you learn from others. You can work on your self-discipline and submissive mindset on your own, especially with the wealth of great submissive resources out there on the web. Also, your Dom could train you in an area he especially wants you to improve in. Or, if your Dom wants you to learn to serve a formal dinner, but has no idea how to do this himself, he could arrange for someone else to teach you, perhaps by paying for a class or having a friend do it. A large part of any Dom's job is training his sub to be the person he wants her to be.

For those of us who identify as Christian submissives, we have the ultimate example of perfect submission and self-sacrifice: Jesus Christ. He was completely obedient to His Father, yet He was never a doormat. In fact, there are many lessons in the Bible that can teach us about Jesus' earthly life and how He balanced being a true submissive and a true King and leader at the same time.

As submissives, our lives can be both challenging and greatly rewarding. Welcome to the journey!

Submissive Journaling Prompts

To read my introduction to submissive journaling, please read this post.

Journaling prompts are themes that you can write about or questions to make you think more about your submission. Here are a few of my own submissive journaling prompts, and links below to some examples from other websites.

• Are you a natural submissive or a learned submissive or both? What parts of you are each?
• What does submission mean to you? Surrender? How is this different from passivity? Are the two connected?
• Would you rather surrender or be conquered? Why?
• When you were younger, what kind of fantasies did you have? Did you understand what they meant? How did you feel about them? Did you share them with anyone? Try to act any out? What happened?
• How do you feel about punishment in a BDSM relationship? Is it necessary for all Masters and slaves? Does it turn the slave into a child or make her a more responsible adult?
• What parts of you are submissive? What parts of you are dominant or a switch? How do you balance out these different parts of yourself?
• What actions your Dom does have you noticed make you feel immediately submissive or small? What actions just annoy or irritate you? Make you horny? Make you resentful? Afraid? Grateful? How could he recreate the good feelings in you and avoid the bad ones? Should he avoid the bad ones or do they help you grow?
• What aspects of your Master's leadership do you enjoy? What are harder to deal with? How do you find the inner strength and patience to endure the aspects you don't enjoy?
• What do you think about the phrase, "Topping from the bottom"? Is it always a bad thing? Do you do it sometimes? Why? How does your Dom react?
• What do you think are the top five qualities any Master should have?
• What activities or limits did you use to be afraid to try, but have now tried? Did you like them? How did you feel when you tried them despite your fears? Why did you try them?
• "A sub with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees." Do you think this is true? Why or why not?
• Do you ever desire to be a Top or a switch? In what situations? Why do you think these situations bring out that desire in you?
• How did you and your Master meet? When you first met your Master, what initially attracted you to him?
• What was your first introduction to BDSM? Who was involved? What aspects did you like or not like?
• When did you first begin to think you might like to live a lifestyle as a submissive? Did you enter the lifestyle with complete joy or did you have some reservations? How did you overcome them? Do you still have any reservations?
• What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?
• What parts of yourself are not yet totally submitted to your Master? Why do you keep those parts separate? Does he know about them, and if so, how does he feel about them?
• Do you think you could be happy in a vanilla relationship? What would that look like?
• Describe what it would look like if you and your Master decided to have a vanilla-only relationship. What would change? What would stay the same? How would you feel?
  

More Resources:

Submissive Guide's Journaling Prompts.

These Inspirational BDSM Quotes can also be used as individual journal prompts.

My post with a journal prompt about Who You Are.

Amazon also has a book of journal prompts you can purchase, A Submissive Journey.

Submissive Journaling

Submissive journaling can be an important part of connecting to your inner submissive.

There are two types of submissive journaling: private journaling (for yourself) and public journaling (for your Dom or a public audience.)

Private Journaling

Private journaling is your private account of your trials, experiences, and lessons as a submissive. By journaling your experiences, you can keep track of your submission, including your most difficult areas. You can look back and see yourself improving. You can also just have a place to think about your submission, what it means to you, and keep track of your development.

Journaling for Your Dom

Journaling for your Dom is an important part of submission, and is often required for many slaves and submissives. My Dom does not require me to keep a submissive journal for him, but I do so anyway. This can be written on paper or as a blog set to "private." You can use your free Blogger account to create a blog that is set to private view and can only be seen by the person you choose. My Dom receives updates in his email box, so whenever I have written him another journal entry, he knows as soon as he gets home from work. It's a great way for us to communicate, since I have time to type out exactly how I feel, and he can leave comments and feedback on the site. This is great for us, as it allows me to share with him links to resources I want him to check out, sexy picture or videos of me I've made for him that I don't want anyone else to see, and my own private thoughts and expressions. Since I have more free time during the day than he does, whenever I find a new BDSM topic I'd like to explore together, I simply do the research and post the links to my journal. It's a great way to share what I've been doing during the day, not to mention keeping track of all the sites I've visited and want to visit again.

Public Audience Journaling

Journaling about your submission online is a great way to share your journey with other submissives. You can keep the blog as private as you like, viewable only to friends, or you can share your experiences with the whole web. Many, many slaves and submissives keep online journals like this. Check out Submissive Guide's Top 10 Submissive Blogs to check out a few, or look at my Blogroll to see some of my favorites. Eventually, you will develop online relationships with these fellow submissives, support each other in times of need, and create friendships that can help you become a better submissive.

Cleaning my way into submission

This morning, I was awake early (bad dreams). I couldn't go back to sleep, even after cuddling with the purring cat. I finally started browsing through Submissive Guide's list of Best Submissive Blogs. It provided hours of entertainment, lots of laughter and learning and leaving comments, but it also made me think.

My Dom has commented before that I spend more time online reading, researching, and writing about submission than actually doing it. I'd like to think that this is because I'm something of a scholar (nerd, if you will), but the truth is it's also because I'm afraid of submitting. While growing up, my family life was something like this: and nothing at all like this:

The official idea in my family was that men and women are equal, but the practice was something very different. When my mom said, "Women are equal" she meant "women are better." Although my parents made decisions about parenting and finances together, my dad was laid back and usually happy to do whatever my more forceful mother thought was best. The idea in our house, reinforced through attitudes and games where men and women were always on opposite teams, was that men were useful for cooking, cleaning, ironing, giving foot massages, and waiting on you hand and foot, but were not too bright and lacked initiative without a strong woman to help them fulfil their true potential. They were also good to have around for help with childcare, fixing cars, mowing lawns, lifting heaving objects, and sending on errands to the store.

Needless to say, submission does not come easily for me.

But my Dom is right. It's easy for me to get wrapped up in the online kink community without really acting it out much in real life, especially outside the bedroom. My Dom is taking steps to correct this, as he's recently figured out some small-yet-effective ways to remind me who's boss when we're in public or I'm feeling particularly feisty, but I spend most of my day at home alone. Reading, researching, writing, blogging, commenting, and not really doing a lot of actual service around the home.

So today, I got my lazy, very tired (awake early from nightmares, remember?) butt out of the bed and did some housework. Not all of it, but some. I put on The Little Mermaid: The Musical soundtrack (the one from the new Broadway musical, which rocks out even more than the movie version) and sang and cleaned. The dishes went in to the new dishwasher we recently had installed (side note: after repeated requests to rinse the dishes before he puts them in the sink, my Dom never remembers to do it, and when it comes time to put them in the washer, they are caked with food and goop, completely voiding the idea of not doing dishes by hand behind the washing machine), I cleared away some things in the bathroom and living room, and rinsed the table and countertops.

We're trying to sell the house, so a month ago we went through the entire house and made it insanely neat. I mean, closets, garage, cabinets, drawers, you name it. It either got boxed up, given away, or thrown out. And it was pretty easy to keep it neat, since I'm at home not making a huge mess and we had to worry about prospective buyers coming over at any time. But now, the summer wanes on, and no buyers are coming, so we're losing the urgency of constant spotlessness. It's starting to get some of its old clutter back, and I hate that.

Yesterday, we didn't get to play or do any dominating (pout pout) and today we have a party to go to. Speaking of which, I guess I should go cook something, too. Sigh.

So, I tried it. I tried to clean, keep the house neat, although he hasn't told me that he wants me to be in charge of this or to make it an aspect of my submission. For me, it's just something simple that I don't really want to do, and doing it helps me grow both in self-discipline and selflessness. Which is what submission is really about.