11/27/2008

Affordable Restraints

I realize everyone is starting to feel the hit to their pocketbooks these days and I thought this is a good time to write a blog about affordable restraints. I know there are some many great restraints out there offered by companies and retailers. You can visit the links in the upper right-hand side to get your hands on some creative means to tie your sub down. Let's suppose you're like most people worldwide and watching what you spend. You may have to save up for little splurges like an under the bed or a door jam restraint. My purpose today is to give you simple ideas that will help you keep your sub under control.

The first place you should visit is your local hardware store! There are all sorts of good materials here to make dominating your sub so much easier. First get a shopping cart and make your way to the aisle where tape is sold. Don't be like everyone else and reach directly for the duct tape! You want something that is sticky and a little more pliable. My suggestion is that you buy several rolls of electrical tape. It's not as sticky and won't leave a residue on your sub's skin. You can also be smart about this and roll the tape on sticky side out. This will keep the tape from sticking to their skin and you can cut out your sub more quickly in case a safeword is uttered or you need to apply some quick after care. The other upside to electrical tape is that it's black and that's much more sexy than the ugly dull silver color of duct tape.

The other option available at the hardware store is rope, of course! There should be all types available to you. You may be able to buy it off of a spool or you could buy the bungee cords! The rope would be a great option if you wanted to cause a little bit of pain with the restraining, because the sub would struggle and chafe themselves. The bungee cords are a great idea when you have something sturdy to which to mount your sub. I'm thinking a headboard, fence, or the garage door railing. I encourage you to be creative. If you wanted to spread your sub's legs mount the rope on either side of the bed and watch them squirm as you fasten each leg down and apart.

The next option will bring out the handy man (woman) in you. Chains are available, too. Find the studs in your wall and bolt these chains to them. Now if you've purchased a little rope you can attach the rope to the chains and now you have a permanent pleasure center in house.

There are nicer and more delicate ways to subdue your partner. You can go to a discount store and pick up scarves for cheap. This can be used when you want to treat your sub to a sensual, seductive time. There is the option of fuzzy handcuff, but for some reason I can never take them seriously. The cuffs look like they belong to a muppet cop. Silk is nice and strong at the same time. Go to a fabric store and pick up some. Then go home and cut it into strips, this saves your from having to buy manufactured scarves you're just going to use for restraints only.

These are only a few ideas, but I hope they start you in the right direction. Doms I ugre you to remind your subs how good it feels to be owned today! Tie them down and let them know you love them and how dirty they are. Always remember to be safe!

11/24/2008

Marking Your Sub

Do you want the power rush of marking or branding your sub, without the permanent scars left from an actual tattoo or branding? If marking your human Toy as a sign of ownership sounds kinky or sexy to you, check out some of these slightly less permanent ideas:

Barely There Marks (less than 1 day)

  • light bite marks
  • marking with edible treats (chocolate sauce, etc.)
  • washable markers
  • Body Painting Kit
  • Fake tattoos

Moderately Permanent Marks (1-6 days)

  • Hickies
  • Deep bite marks
  • Bruises, welts, and blisters from impact play
  • Shaving

Almost Permanent Marks (1-2 weeks)

  • Permanent markers
  • Henna tattoos and markings

Permanent Marks (there til you remove them)

  • piercings: clit, Prince Albert, or more traditional piercings
  • jewelry: rings, necklaces, etc.
  • Collars
  • chastity devices (with a lock, of course!)

11/23/2008

How to Deal with Female Ejaculation Messes

After reading the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot by Deborah Sundahl, I've been thinking hard about the inherent prejudices against the sexy women who gush, squirt, dribble, or spray. While other women are joyfully getting their groove on any and everywhere, we are discriminated against in the arena of sexual possibility: we can't do it in cars, hotel rooms, beds, couches, sofas, our parents' guest bedroom, or anywhere else covered in fabric or where other people could see the proof of our "playing." *sob* It's a hard life.

So, if having sex for the rest of your life on cold, painful, hard tile floors is not appealing to you (me, either!), I have amassed some resources from internet research, sex toy websites, the wisdom of my girfriends, and years of experience. Here are a few trinkets that should do the trick:

1. The most obvious (and most unappealing) answer is to just have sex in places where it won't matter if you spray and where cleanup is easy. These include the outside (ick!), the shower (I hate standing up for sex!), or hardwood/tile/linoleum floors (ow!).

2. The next, but equally unappealing, suggestion is to change the sheets (and bedcover, and blanket, and pillows, and mattress cover, and mattress if you're like me...). Again, good sex deserves to be rewarded with good cuddling and sleep, not hopping your naked butt out of bed to do laundry!

3. Towels. Lots and lots of towels. Put them under your butt, and have more ready nearby so you can just change them out as you soak through. Of course, the downside is it's hard to aim for one tiny towel during a rompin' good time, it kills the mood to stop and change towels mid-scene, and you can still soak through to the bedding.

4. Aim for the man. Let's face it, I've never met or heard of a guy who was not absolutely thrilled with female orgasm. Most are willing to drink it; though some may balk at that, none mind getting it on their skin. It's easier to wash a man than a sheet.

5. Get creative with your mattresses. One idea is to put two made mattresses on your bed. After sex, throw the top one on the floor and sleep on the warm, dry one underneath. Another idea is to buy a plastic mattress cover. Or, if you don't like creaking your way through sex, buy an inflatable plastic bed that you can just hose off afterward.

6. Buy a commercially-made furniture protector for this very purpose. I found several sex toy stores that carry them. Holistic Wisdom has a waterproof throw for $85. Getinthemood.com sells disposable Luv Liners for $12.99 and washable Luv Linens for $36 (although I feel compelled to mention the site isn't very professionally done and has spelling and grammatical errors at a high school level). A Woman's Touch sells a Liberator's Shag/Satin Thro for $86. Have fun, wash, and reuse.

Safewords for Doms: Because Doms Are People, Too!

A safeword, obviously, is usually used by the bottom (or sub), to say that her limits have been pushed or the scene has gotten to real, scary, emotional, traumatizing, or painful. But tops (Doms) need safewords, too!

Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"

Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)

So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).

I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.

Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)

So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.

Be safe and have fun!

11/22/2008

Review: Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot

Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot

by Deborah Sundahl

Hunter House Publishers, 2003




This book is available at Babeland Toy Store.



This paperbook book is 194 pages of text and diagrams (217 if you count the resources, index, and glossary) but only takes a few days to read. Sundahl is an experienced speaker, lecturer, and video creator in the area of female ejaculation. I read this book because, although already familiar with ejaculation, I hoped to find more about my G-spot. Overall, this book was not what I expected from the cover and online reviews. I will discuss the positive and negative qualities of the book, then give recommendations.

First, this book is highly varied in topics. Whether you are wanting information on what female ejaculation is, how to do it, how to encourage your partner to do it, how to find the G-spot, the history and past science of female sexuality, lovemaking tips, how to get over past sexual trauma, or ways to have more emotional, fulfilling sex, this book covers it all. Therefore, while I was bored with some sections, I enjoyed later ones, so the book was never a total bust.

The book is written in an easy-to-read style, and is very user-friendly. Women who want to ejaculate will get the most out of this book; the rest of us who are curious about our own (or our wives'!) G-spots will still learn something, but would probably be better of buying another book specifically on that topic. In fact, the title, which clearly states "Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot," is a bit misleading, as the G-spot is only mentioned as it is necessary to achieve FE (female ejaculation). So, if you already ejaculate, don't bother.

Now, if you have never experienced FE but want to try, this book is for you. Six of the nine chapters are devoted entirely to teaching you to find your G-spot and stimulate it to orgasm. Step-by-step instructions, diagrams, and instructions on positions and toys that will help are included. Sundahl is very encouraging and upbeat about the whole process, so this is great for women who are too nervous or scared to try FE. Also, men who want experience FE will find some great tips on how to help their wives achieve this in chapter 7.

Sundahl spends a lot of time getting female readers over the "fear of peeing" that I guess stops many women from ejaculating; instead, they repress the urge and send it up into their bladders, where it can cause bladder and unirary tract infections (ouch!). If you suffer from this fear, this book is definitely a good choice for you; I personally was bored by all the chapters dedicated to it because my first experience with ejaculation was when I was 15 and it never once occurred to me that it might be urine. I was surprised, taken aback, and completely shocked, to be sure, but it was immediately apparent to me that the liquid neither felt, looked, or smelled like pee.... so I shrugged it off and never worried about it again.

I was more interested in the historical aspects of FE as opposed to how to force my body to ejaculate, so I was a little disappointed. Chapter 3 was about the historical presence of FE in ancient and modern history, but I felt it was lacking in many areas. Sundahl focused more on FE in ancient tribal religions, emphasizing pagan worship of sex and female ejaculate, rather than a historical account of FE in medical or historical documents. However, I was impressed by the statue of an ejaculating goddess from ancient India, and to discover that FE has been around since 600 B.C., where it was commented on and studied by such notable historical figures as Pythagoras, Hippocrates, and Aristotle.

Too much of the book was aimed at convincing women they need to experience FE. Sundahl claims that ejaculation is "every woman's birthright" and implies throughout the book that women who don't ejaculate (and their partners) are somehow missing some deep, mysterious part of their own sexuality. While FE is great and I never needed a book to achieve it, I think sex would be just as good without it and don't think Sundahl should make people who can't or don't want to FE feel less like a "woman."

As a Christian, I balked somewhat at the decidedly Eastern tint of Sundahl's writings. Like the ancient tribal cultures, she appears to view sexuality and ejaculation as a very spiritual, sacred experience. The book describes ejaculate blessing ceremonies and drinking ejaculate. She discusses "sexual energy" and chakras, sexual healing, Tantric and pagan religious ideas, goddesses of love, and a Creator. She refers to the vagina as a "temple of love" and to ejaculate as flowing waters of feminine fountains. These references to Eastern, pagan, and neo-pagan sacred sexuality may not bother most sex book readers, but may offend Christians.

Sundahl also devotes most of the book to encouraging women to masturbate alone to experiment with orgasm. (She holds G-spot classes where women look at each other's vaginas and G-spots, masturbate, and try to achieve ejaculation.) While any duo sex act is great, I can't really condone weeks of solo masturbation before you share this with your husband; the point of sex is bonding, and this should be something you can explore and laugh about together.

The book does have some fantastic tips for men wanting to be better lovers in general, as well as during G-spot stimulation. I would definitely recommend that every male in the world should read the chapters on men's role in ejaculation, healing the G-spot, and increasing love and intimacy between partners.

Sundahl also does a great service to women everywhere: not only does she insist on the existence of a G-spot and FE that have been denied by male doctors for centuries, but she makes readers feel at ease in their own sexuality. She makes it seem right and natural for sex to be a sweaty, explosive, messy event, with much gushing, screaming, yelping, thrashing, and drama. It is high time women today learned not to be ashamed of their sex drives and physical responses!

For those interested in scientific and medical studies, this book has a great chapter on both. Several studies and theories on female sexuality are discusses in great detail, which I found fascinating--you can see researchers' ideas of female sexuality changing through the years! There are many diagrams of the g-spot and female sex organs, all incredibly tastefully done. I found some difficult to decipher (where is the vagina in this picture?!) but others were very helpful to me, as I am somewhat reticent to stick a mirror between my legs and so therefore painfully unaware of much of my own body's anatomy. The book also includes some great exercises to test emotional readiness to ejaculate, gauge the strength of PC muscles, differentiate among different types of orgasms, and familiarize women with their own bodies.

One thing I did really enjoy about Sundahl's book was how she finally explained that the female sex organ is not, in fact, a disjointed area of sporadic sexual pleasure. Conventional wisdom has told us for years that the clit and G-spot are not connected, most women cannot ejaculate, most women will never come during intercourse, and the clit is the main focus of a woman's pleasure. Sundahl proves these are all myths! Breaking new diagrams show the female sex organ as one interconnected network of pleasure: clit, urethra, urethral tissue, lips, vaginal entrance, G-spot, cervix, and perineum are all connected and networked by erectile tissue. I think both partners could greatly benefit from reading this chapter, as it opens the door to a whole new view on sexuality and offering a woman pleasure in areas we often overlook.

And, I've saved the best for last: although it is only one chapter, this book should absolutely be bought and read by women or the partners of women who have suffered severe emotional, physical, or sexual trauma. Because emotions are so connected to sex, childhood and adult traumas can often cause victims to have sexual reactions, such as emotional distachment, inability to orgasm or ejaculate, pain, or numb areas on the G-spot. I have experienced sexual abuse and molestation in the past, and I almost cried reading this chapter. Her tips for the lovers of these women are fantastic, loving ways to make your wife feel loved, whole, and complete again by helping her heal sexually and open up to you in new ways of trust and vulerability. Sundahl believes the G-spot is the center of emotional/erotic pleasure in women, and this is why many women never orgasm or ejaculate from G-spot stimulation.

If your partner has numb spot, pain, or "intense" feelings on her G-spot, or just doesn't feel anything, or clamps down before an orgasm or ejaculation can occur, or has trouble connecting emotion with sex, or avoids eye contact with you during sexual contact, this chapter may help you understand and deal with this in a loving manner. It gives some great times on G-spot massage and how to work your partner through these numb or de-sensitized areas. While I won't go so far as Sundahl to say the G-spot is the "center of sexual energy" and that your wife's "energy channels are being blocked," it is true that sexual healing often translates to emotional healing as well. Even if she does not, the communication and loving tips she gives could help facilitate communication in any area of life, even outside the bedroom.

That said, I still did not like the focus on so much "spiritual sexuality." I wanted a sex advice book, and this is more of a sexual spirituality book. I thought some of the diagrams were too vague to understand, and the stories of ejaculate blessing ceremonies and strangers performing G-spot massage on women for sexual healing frankly weirded me out. And on two occasions I found errors that are simply the result of bad editing; in a published book, typos and errors are simply unforgivable. I'll repeat again that I don't think women should be forced to ejaculate if they don't want to, but if you want to, it's a good read.

In short, I recommend this for men or women who haven't experienced FE and want to. I also recommend it for those curious about sex and Eastern spirituality or who want to know how to heal sexually from past traumas. I don't recommend this for those interested in G-spot information or hard-core historical background on the subject.

If you want to read more reviews on this book, go to
Babeland.com and look under "Books" for Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot by Deborah Sundahl.

Stay tuned for more reviews!

Subspace and Subdrop

There are two important aspects of the D/s relationship that aren't very evident to the beginner. The first one I'd like to mention is Subspace. This is a change in the mind of the sub, which takes them into a trance-like state. I've seen sources state it's akin to mediation or hypnosis. It seems to be a certain type of head space that is actually therapeutic for the sub. It is possible during the experience to access places in the sub's mind where they were previously abused. Recreating these events in a controlled environment can be a way for the sub to overcome the past. It is also pleasurable, because the levels of endorphins and hormones present in the bloodstream cause a euphoric state. This is a difficult subject to write anything authoritative due to the experiences being very unique and individualized.

How do we get there?

Sometime during the scene, the sub will become more and more detached from what is going on around them. Sometimes the beginning of subspace will come at the first command and others will need a longer warm-up. Your job as the Dom is to continue issuing firm and simple commands. Always be sure to enforce discipline with your sub so they know you are watching and care about them. They will most likely try and resist, but you should be well aware of this. Continue on and don't give in when the sub becomes a little bratty. You will start to see the sub get more turned on and more compliant. The natural high your actions induce will be more and more evident. Eventually, the sub will start to obey commands without resistance and display traits of an out-of-body experience. Welcome your sub to subspace.

What happens afterward?

Now the second item I want to mention is subdrop, which occurs directly after you finish the scene. This is the natural depression that follows subspace. The body's own painkilling chemicals and morphine-like drugs start to wear off. The corporal and emotional pain you caused is starting to settle in the sub's mind. Your job as the Dom is not over once the scene is. You are now to follow through with aftercare (refer to my sub's great post for tips). Take care of the wounds you created and cuddle your sub. Communicate to them how much you love them and how special they are. Get them water and a blanket. You should treat your sub like a patient going into shock, because that is exactly what their body is doing.

Final Thoughts

The experiences for the Dom and sub during subspace/subdrop will be highly unique. The Dom will be in control from start to finish and experience the rush of adrenaline power can bring. The sub will receive natural high courtesy of their bodies and Doms. It is a useful state that can bring pleasure and/or healing. Doms should always give aftercare during subdrop. It is the most important step. Lack of aftercare could result in your sub doubting their trust in you. I think that in order for this to be a working part of your S&M routine you have to be open to it and create a comfortable environment for both people.

References









11/21/2008

Dirty Talk 201: Foreign Languages

Warning: Adult language included.

This is Part 2 of a continuing commentary on dirty talk in the bedroom. For Part 1, click on Dirty Talk 101.

I mentioned in my previous blog on Dirty Talk that a great idea for sexy talk outside the bedroom, in public, at a party, etc. is using a foreign language. This is deliciously naughty because no one else knows what you're saying! It's a great way to get your spouse revved up and ready to head straight home to bed! I know some of my sweetest memories are when my Dom leaned over in the mall dressing room, handed me the next set of clothes, and whispered, "Who's my hot little Schlampe?" I was blushing and grinning to myself in the dressing room the whole time.

I speak Spanish, and in the past I was always terribly disappointed when my boyfriends weren't interested in a steamy make-out session where I spoke to them in Spanish. I had one boyfriend who spoke French, and he could get me so hot and bothered without ever touching me it was ridiculous. My dom speaks German, and while Spanish and German just lack the beautiful, soothing, sexy sound of some dirty French, it can still be hot. Sometimes. Mostly it just annoys the crap out of me because I've gotten uptight in my old age and it bugs me to not know what he's saying. Ah well.

So if you don't fluently speak another language, I can't teach you in a blog, but I can give you a few words to pick. Use the ones you like!

French
  • ma plotte = my cunt
  • ma salope = my slut
  • puttain = bitch
  • J'arrive! = I'm coming
  • Je veux joir dans ton corp = I want to come inside your body.
  • Je t'aime = I love you

Spanish
  • puta = slut, bitch
  • Chinga = Fuck!
  • Chingame = Fuck me
  • Chupame, mi bella putita = Suck me, my beautiful little bitch
  • Ponme los dedos, AHORA = Put your fingers inside me, NOW
  • Mas fuerte = Harder
  • Muerdame = Bite me.
  • Te quiero, te amo = I love you.
  • Te deseo = I want you.

German
  • meine dreckige Schlampe = my dirty slut
  • Du dreckiger Schlampe! WEG. = You dirty slut, go AWAY!
  • Dann, sich öffnest dein dreckige Schnauze. = There, open your dirty mouth.

Russian
  • suka = bitch
  • (also cyka = bitch?)
Polish
  • kurwa = bitch
  • chuj, kutas = dick
  • pierdol się = fuck you!
Italian
  • Vaffanculo = fuck you, fuck off!
  • el mio Cazzo = my dick, cock
  • Frocio = faggot (pronounced "fro-chi-o)
Japanese
  • oppai = boobies
  • manko = pussy
Try not to trust Babelfish too much, and when it doubt, ask a native speaker. A bientot! Que te diviertas mucho! Ciao! :)

My Resources:
Thanks to the folks at Fetlife for their discussions!
To Yahoo! Answers!
And to my friends and teachers!

"Task" Ideas (Homework for your sub)

First off, sex isn't school. So why is there homework? Well, you don't have to incorporate homework, but some subs like it (I don't). Also, some doms and Masters enjoy it.

Remember, your goal as a Dom or Domme is threefold: to bring you sub closer to God, closer to themselves, and closer to you. If giving them an assignment will do any of these three, it is a worthwhile activity that can help grow your sub into a better person.

There are multiple reasons to give tasks to your sub: to train them in obedience, for practice submitting, because they enjoy writing or research, so you can learn about something new without doing the work, to have them research something you like to get to know you better, as a punishment for something they've done wrong, to discipline them, for Teacher/student or Principal/student roleplaying, because you think it's hot, because your sub gets off on this kind of humiliation, or purely for the power rush of making people do what you say (this is actually why I became an educator. Just kidding. At the time, I thought it had something to do with changing the future, leaving the world a better place, yada yada...).

If you want to give your sub an assignment, and it isn't one of their limits, go for it! Remember, the point is to strengthen your sub or your relationship, not to be a controlling jerk. Here are some ideas:


  • read Song of Songs (Song of Solomon) or a Christian sex book

  • do a devotional of your choosing, reporting back to you at the end of the week (or do it together!)

  • do housework with one hand handcuffed or tied, while you watch

  • do housework with a dress code (forced feminization for guys, or wearing just an apron or just crotchless panties for girls) while you watch

  • writing: erotica, fantasies, or letters to you about the relationship, things they'd like to improve, or favorite memories with you

  • writing letters to God

  • journaling every day (or once a week, etc.)

  • doing research: any subject you'd like to know more on, BDSM, sex tips, relationship advice, etc.

  • wear butt plug to do housework or for day (at work or in public)

  • apply tiger balm to clit before housework: if they do well, reward with sex, if bad, reapply and give them a good caning. (Tiger balm burns!)

  • Remember, this NOT just to get work done you don't want to do--must be something that makes either YOU or your sub feel erotic about doing!

  • wear vibrator or remote-controlled sex toy to work or party---fun fun fun at your hands all night!

  • take pictures for you

  • have them describe themselves to you in sexy terms in permanent black marker. They can pick the four words that are most "Them" and write them, one on their chest, each inner thigh, and just above the crotch.

  • cut up old panties into strips and make knotted rope to tie self with

  • online or real sex diary, to build confidence or libido

  • 15 minutes positive reflection per day

  • 15 minutes doing something they enjoy and need but don't do: healthy food, singing, going to the gym, walking outside, dance class, reading, bubble bath and candles, soothing or devotional music, etc.

  • tasks geared to help worriers relax: yoga, reading, bubble bath, playing or listening to music, praying, devotion, going to an extra Bible study or praise and worship session in the week

  • tasks geared to help low self-esteem get better: list of positive things about themselves (add three things a day!), positive reflection, taking pictures of body parts they don't like as beautiful art, drawing body parts they don't like as beautiful, reading self-esteem books, etc.

Anything that will build your partner up sexually, emotionally, or physically is game. So is anything you both feel comfortable with that will make one or both of you feel sexy or more intimate. As a Dom, you want your spouse to be as happy and healthy as possible! And as their leader in the sexual realm, you can help make that a reality in real life.

Limits

Limits are a very important of BDSM. They are something you and your spouse must talk about first, before you try anything new. As you do research and discover more and more things that can be included in your sex life, you may find some of the activities surprise you, disgust you, intrigue you, turn you on, turn you off, make you sad, or anger you. This is totally normal! And this is why limits come into play.

A limit is something you don't want to try. Setting general limits allows the Dom (or Domme) for the scene a lot of creative freedom. If they come up with a great new idea in the middle of a scene when it is too late to talk about it, and it doesn't violate one of your limits (and you don't use your safeword), they can go ahead and try it!

Soft limits are things you are not comfortable with now, are unsure about, or don't think you want to try. However, there is some room for future reconsideration. I have found that, as I delve more and more into trust and BDSM with my dom, that some things I found "gross" at the beginning are actually becoming more acceptable and intriguing to me with time. I just needed time to think about them and get used to the idea!

Hard limits are things a top can never push! These limits are Set In Stone. You do NOT want to mess with someone's hard limits.

You and your spouse should take some time to research BDSM, read books, browse the internet (find informational articles, not erotica or porn!), and peruse chat rooms and blogs. Share what you learn, take time alone to think and set your own limits, and then share with your partner. Respect each other's limits.

BDSM is based on trust. You should be able to tell your partner your deepest, darkest fantasies, even if you are afraid they are "wrong" or your partner will be disgusted. Communicate openly!

And remember, never be judgmental toward your partner. If your spouse details a dark fantasy about how they want to dress you up as a pony, ride you around the room, and make you neigh and whinny during sex, and you are totally not into that, don't judge them (pony play is an actual part of BDSM, btw). Listen in a nonjudgmental, supportive way, tell them you understand and appreciate their desire, but say right now you just don't think you could do that. Never make your partner feel lesser or judged for sharing a fantasy; that will stop all future communication, and that is never a good thing!

If you're still not sure what limits are, I will give you some examples from my own experience:



  1. Soft limits: whipping, being tied up for more than an hour, pony/puppy play, needle play, kidnapping scenes.

  2. Hard limits: being forced to give oral sex, anything involving excrement or feces, having other people watch or participate in sex, nipple torture (ow!), porn.

Remember: Communicate, respect each other, and have fun!

11/19/2008

Dirty Talk 101

Warning: Adult Language Included

For most people, being turned on is very mental. What's going on in your head is just as important as what's going on with your body! That is why the art of verbal humiliation and dirty talk is so important! I know there is no better way to turn me on and ensure an explosive orgasm than by building me up by talking sexy to me for hours before I'm ever touched. It's hot!

Are you and your partner into verbal humiliation, degradation, or submission? Do you get a thrill from having someone mess with your head? Want to make your partner squirm in anticipation hours before you get her in bed? Here's some tips for how to talk dirty:

First, Babeland has a good guide for beginners in sexy talk. Feeling nervous? Want some ideas? Check it out!

Before we start, here are some basics:

  1. If you're nervous, start small. There's no reason to go from 0 to 10 in one night! Just something tame, like an impressed, "You're so dirty!" to get the feel of it and gauge your lover's reaction will work. In time, as you both get used to enjoying sexy talk, you can amp it up a bit.
  2. You'll probably find your partner responds really well to certain words that just make them shiver. Find words that both compliment and insult them (they'll respond well to both!) and use them depending on the circumstance.
  3. Even if you never cuss outside the bedroom, try it! Nothing turns me on so much as when my Dom uses cuss words to describe me. It adds an extra shock value because other than with me, he never swears! And since I'm a notoriously well-behaved, mild-mouthed Christian in public, it's so hot when I can let go in the bedroom! (The Bible does say to watch your language, but I think God understands I'm just doing it in the bedroom for a thrill.)
  4. Experiment with different tones: whisper dirty words lovingly, sound disgusted, act angry, sound impressed, growl at them, laugh at them, couple nasty words with tender stroking or an unexpected slap.
  5. Don't be too self-conscious. A lack of confidence when trying to dirty talk kills the mood.
  6. Practice, practice, practice! If you just can't make yourself say the word "penis" out loud, try it alone first. Say them out loud to yourself, feeling the words roll of your tongue. As they become more natural, you can start to share them with your partner.
  7. Find a code-word, another language, or use an abbreviation (MLB for "my little bitch"). Then lean over and whisper it to your partner in public to get them feeling sexy and wanting to head home and to bed!
  8. Change it up! Don't get stuck using the same two words all the time. Do research on dirty talk or use an online thesaurus. (Of course, if your partner has a favorite word or two, use them all the time! But still sneak others in.)
  9. Be able to laugh at yourself. Expect to make mistakes. Some words make people hot, some offend them and turn them off, and others will just make them laugh. Be willing to take risks and don't take yourself too seriously if your partner just laughs or says, "Uh-huh."
  10. Be creative. Don't just call the person names; call their body parts names, too. (For example, calling someone's butt their "jail cunt" or their mouth a "cum recepticle" can be pretty degrading, if that's what you're going for!)

Of course, there are also things you should not tease or name-call about! Never call your partner a name referring to something they are insecure about it real life. The point here is to turn them on and feel a little naughty, not to tick them off. Unless your partner specifically requests them, words to stay away from include:

  • fat (or chubby, or big, or obese....)
  • ugly
  • stupid
  • small penis (although there is a specific BDSM fetish called Small Penis Humiliation that some men crave... but that is for another post.)
Now, on the some specific ideas! (If you are easily offended, stop reading here and stick to Babeland's G-rated guide!)

*Note: all the following are nouns (actual names you can call people). To
add variety to your favorite nouns, see my dom's separate post on adjectives to
mix it up.

Dirty Words and Phrases:

  • ass
  • ass licker
  • attention whore
  • bad girl/boy
  • ball licker
  • balls
  • beggar
  • bitch
  • cheater
  • clit
  • coat rack
  • cock
  • cock craving
  • cock sucker
  • cow
  • cum bucket
  • cum dump
  • cum dumpster
  • cum junkie
  • cum muffin
  • cum rag
  • cum recepticle
  • cum slut
  • cunt
  • cunt rider
  • cunt-ruled
  • daddy
  • dick
  • dick rider
  • dog
  • dog in heat
  • dyke
  • easy
  • faggot
  • footstool
  • freak
  • fuck
  • fuckbunny
  • fuckhole
  • fuckmeat
  • fuckmuffin
  • fuckpole (guys only)
  • fuck slave
  • fuckstick (guys)
  • fucktoy
  • gay
  • good girl/boy
  • hole
  • hooker
  • hornball
  • hot
  • jail pussy
  • junk
  • leg-spreader
  • maid
  • maiden
  • mare
  • meat
  • my little girl/boy
  • naughty
  • needy
  • pain slut (someone who enjoys pain)
  • pet
  • property
  • pussy
  • pussy licker
  • queer
  • rape toy
  • schoolgirl
  • servant
  • sex slave
  • slave
  • slut
  • spread eagle
  • toilet
  • tongue fucker
  • torture dollie
  • vulva
  • whore
  • 2-hole whore (guys only)
  • 3-hole whore (women only)
  • 3-holed cunt
Whew! I'm tired from all that writing! I'm sure there are more, but that will have to be enough... for now. *Evil grin*

I find it interesting to note that the "degrading" terms for women have to do with their sex drive (whore, slut, bitch--literally, a dog in heat) and for men have to do with feminization or homosexuality (jail pussy, little boy, faggot, whore, gay, pretty little girl). While I'm not sure why having a sex drive, being feminine, or being gay should be bad, such is our society and culture. Just make sure not to offend your partner: communicate, communicate, communicate!

Want to know more? Go straight to Dirty Talk 201: Foreign Languages.
If you want some phrases to say, varying from prim-n-proper to very, very bad, check out the 101 Dirty Talk Phrases guide.

Thanks to all the folks at Fetlife for their nifty name-calling ideas!

Let loose of your wild side and have fun! Happy playing!

11/18/2008

Aftercare: An Important Part of Any Sex


We've talked a lot in this blog about how to terrorize and torture a sub, both mentally and physically. It is important to note that in BDSM, a sub derives some sort of pleasure from being frightened, dominated, hurt, or manipulated; it is never nonconsenual. Both partners enjoy doing something kinky and exciting. But I think it is really, really important to emphasize something we have not yet mentioned: aftercare.

Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of your sub after your "scene" is done! It does not matter if the scene ended with a safeword or just because you were done; aftercare is vital!

Whoever is playing the Dom or Domme for this scene needs to be prepared to give your sub aftercare. The human body absolutely must receive time to heal from physical wounds or emotional trauma. Even if it was all in good fun and both parties desired it, the sub needs this TLC from their Dom. The human body does not register a difference between pain the person wants to receive and pain the person does not want to receive: your brain still releases the same chemicals, and your body still goes into fight-or-flight mode.

If your play was especially dangerous or edgy, your sub may be in physical shock. Even if not, their heart will be pounding and adrenaline surging through their body, and they need you, someone who loves and cares for them, to take care of them now.

Some good activities for aftercare for subs are:


  • wrapping a warm blanket around them, as body temperature drops drastically when your body comes out of shock

  • holding them and cuddling them silently

  • stroking their hair

  • giving them a massage

  • bringing them a glass of water to rehydrate their body

  • bring them a snack, especially if your mate has low blood sugar issues

  • applying aloe if you've hit them hard enough to break or bruise the skin

  • whispering quietly to them, rubbing their back, and reminding them how much you love them

  • letting them cry, be angry, shake, or whatever they need to feel at that moment

  • talking quietly about the scene, what they felt, what you liked, and re-sharing the intimacy of it together

  • playing soft music, talking soothingly to them, reading to them, praying together, drawing them a warm bath, or anything else soothing
It could be psychologically damaging for you to play "hard" with your mate, then just get up and leave and expect them to be okay, or roll over and fall asleep! You can NOT forget to provide aftercare after every session!

Of course, these scenes can be hard on doms, too. Even if they want it, it can be difficult for a dom to have to play "the bad guy." They have to yell, hit, beat, or scare someone they love. They have to play a role that society says is wrong, immoral, or bad. That can be difficult for someone to maintain for any length of time.

Some good activities for aftercare for masters are:


  • rubbing sore muscles (if you've been hitting hard)

  • cuddling and being held

  • whispered words of love and loyalty

  • sharing that you did, indeed, enjoy the scene and appreciate their efforts to play "the bad guy" for you.
Whether for BDSM or not, sex should always be about intimacy and love as well as physical desire. Aftercare, cuddling, talking, holding each other, and communicating what you liked and did not like about the session is crucial in every relationship. Never forget to play hard, but provide loving aftercare later--your lover needs it.

Identity Crisis Solved: All those darn BDSM terms!

When entering the BDSM scene, it is easy to feel confused and lost. BDSM makes you really think about your wants, desires, and how you want them fulfilled. There are a host of terms used by BDSMers, and they aren't interchangable! People may wonder, "Am I a top? Switch? Sadist? Master? Daddy? How do I know?!?!?" A full-blown BDSM identity crisis may ensue. Fear not, we have the answers! :)

First off, BDSM is an acronym for many things: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Slave and Master, and Sadism and Masochism. It is possible to be interested in one or many of these roles!

A sadist is, very simply, one who enjoys inflicting pain. What keeps a BDSM sadist from being a common criminal sociopath is that BDSM sadists only enjoy it if their partners are willing. A masochist is just the opposite: someone who enjoys receiving pain for sexual pleasure. Of course, for both these people, context is important: it is sexy to spank your partner during role play, but it's not sexy to jam your finger in the door accidentally. A sadist and masochist won't enjoy this type of pain.

The people who enjoy both receiving and causing pain, depending on the circumstance, are called sadomasochists.

A top is related. This person is the person delivering the blows or "on top" during a scene. A bottom is the person taking the blows or "on bottom." While usually a sadist will enjoy being on top more and a masochist on bottom, anyway can fill any role. For example, a husband who isn't really interested in whipping his wife can still do it to please her. In this case, he are a top but not a sadist. Also, the terms top/bottom have nothing to do with a relationship or who has the control; you could be perfect strangers.

Once you begin to be in some sort of relationship, you get the terms submissive/dominant and slave/master.

A submissive is a person who finds sexual pleasure out of being dominated and put in a submissive position. Often, this person may be completely dominating in real life. It doesn't mean you are a wimp or a wuss if you like to be the sub! In fact, most people--both men and women--prefer to be the sub. And subs can vary on why and how they like to be dominated: some may like just being physically overpowered, while others may want to be psychologically dominated (through humiliation, namecalling, or roleplaying). Some people want both at the same time!

Each sub will vary by personality. Some people will submit to your power gladly and never fight you for it. Others will be wildcats, testing you, pushing your limits, and fighting back tooth and nail for control, to see if you can take it. Either way, it can be fun!

A dominate (Dom for males, Domme for females, or Dominatrix for females who do it professionally) is the opposite. This person enjoys being in control. For some it means physically holding you down, for others it means scaring you, for others it means asking nicely and then enjoying it as you serve them loyally. Each Dom has his/her own style and things they prefer. Also, a dom/sub relationship can be as permanent or temporary as you wish: you can agree to be a Dom for 20 minutes, or to have a D/s relationship only in the bedroom, or only on certain occasions, or a little bit in real life as well. It's up to you and your partner! The key is that both partners have to agree.

Once you go to 24/7 power exchange, it is called a Master/slave relationship. A Master is someone who is 100% in charge of the emotional, physical, mental, and sexual wellbeing of his slave. (A female is called a Mistress.) This is a Dom who does it full time! A slave is a sub who submits, not just in the bedroom, but every minute of every day. They are given rules to follow (in their dress, relationships, activities, and sexual lives) that must be obeyed explicitly. In return, they expect 100% love and care from their Master. Often these people find a real intimacy in serving and being served so consistently, and this is fine as long as the relationship does not become idolatrous.

Most of you out there are actually probably Switches. This means you switch with your partner, and can play both Sub and Dom, top and bottom, sadist and masochist. You are the most versatile of all BDSM players, because you can enjoy many roles!

There are also other terms of interest. A Daddy is someone who is a Master, but always in a protective, fatherly way. This person may like to engage in age play with a woman who derives sexual and psychological healing or pleasure from pretending to be a younger adult, teen, child, or baby. Of course, if you prefer to pretend to be an infant, you are called a Baby.

A Boi is a term used either for an effeminate man or a butch woman. So, if your wife sometimes acts tough and manly in the bedroom, you could call her your Boi. Likewise if you are a woman who likes to make your husband dress in women's clothing and pretend to be feminine.

On a personal note, I self-identify as a sub. But realistically, I am a submissive and bottom. On rare occasions I am also a bit of a masochist and a switch, but these are rare enough that I don't integrate them as part of my identity, but rather as sporadic aberrations from it. This is because I love to be dominated in the bedroom, physically but especially psychologically and emotionally (sub). I enjoy being on the receiving end of all our activities (bottom). I put up with pain because my Dom enjoys it, but it is only on occasion that I actually enjoy it for its own sake (biting, slapping), which makes me a tiny little bit of a masochist but not much. And on rare, rare occasions, I like to give my dom a taste of his own medicine by taking control and teasing him (switch). But mostly, I am a sub.

In contrast, my dom is a Dominate, sadist, and top. He is not a switch, definitely, and never really likes to be submissive. He is a true sadist, who gets off on seeing me squirm when he hurts me a little. He is also very dominating, getting off on power by controlling me physically and mentally (this is the point of "training"). So far, he has never been a Master or a Daddy to me, but there is always next time. :)

Hope this helps! Play safe and remember, research new moves before you try them out on someone else!

Training Your Sub (A Dominant's Perspective)

I would like to begin this post by stating it is meant to act as a general guide on how effectively train your sub. I'm speaking from experience not only from sex, but also in real-life situations. Through my work experience I have been extensively trained and involved in the training of many people. My goal is to give you a foundation and from there you should customize your experiences to your liking.


Let's consider why you are thinking about training your sub in the first place. You obviously like to be in charge or in control of things, hence you are the Dom. You are likely not training the sub to get off on issuing commands alone. No, you probably relish the fact someone is not only intimate with you, but also trusts you completely. It is with this in mind we want to train our subs.



Our goal in training is to present our subs with a stimulus and have them react in the way we prefer. Pavlov's dogs heard a tone and then were given food. Eventually the dogs would react with an increased saliva production when hearing the tone, even if food wasn't provided. All training is essentially the same. I'm not meaning that your sub is just like a dog, but we want the sub to react consistently to us. When I issue a command or suggestion I want it done.



Let's use a concrete example. If I say, "Spread your legs," I want it to happen. The command is the stimulus I give the sub. Now, provided you said this in a firm manner and your sub is a natural, they will do what you want. Suppose you weren't firm enough or the sub is having a bad day and decides not to follow your command. Now, we have to reinforce our command with a consequence. If the consequence is negative/positive enough the slave will do a cost-benefit analysis quickly and decide they want to do what you tell them in the future. Pavlov would call this a conditioned response. After enough times the sub will do what you tell them without thinking.

An example from my life was getting my sub to say "please" and "thank you" when she wanted something. When she wanted me to bite her neck I asked her, "What do you say?" When the answer didn't come quickly, I slapped her (she likes this). She then said, "Please." The stimulus was my question and the negative punishment was the slap. She was and is a very fast learner. It took her a total of two times before she started saying please and thank you after every request.



Slapping is only one of four different avenues for enforcing discipline. You can give something nice to your sub. This could be a compliment or reward in concrete form. You can take something positive away from the sub. Say they don't do something fast or enthusiastically enough. Okay, take something away from them. I've mentioned how I presented a negative in the form of slapping. You can also reward by taking a negative away, such as removing a torture device. For a good article on this click here.



Now that we understand how the mind works. You have to decide what you are going to do with this information. You can train someone to do your bidding 24/7 and live this lifestyle all the time (this is technically a Master/slave relationship). You could also train your sub to do things a certain way like, how you want them to posture during sex. You also have to decide how this dynamic will survive if you are in a switch relationship where you decide you want to share the power.



The goal is about learning to trust someone completely enough to let go and give them control. I've heard that this is a liberating feeling for those in the sub role. Even though there is pain (emotional or physical) involved, it is a good feeling--like being high. I know that there is a rush of excitement when my sub does what I tell her or something she knows I like. It is important to remember the more you train, the more it becomes second nature.



The three most important parts of training are getting to know your sub, communication, and repetition. When you get to know your sub well you will know which type of reinforcement you should use, whether it be negative or positive. You will know what their limitations are and how far they will go to please you. It is also important to communicate effectively at all times. You need a safeword in case they decide they can't handle that type of training or punishment. Your sub needs to know what is expected of them and what type of punishments to expect when they don't follow through. Finally, the more training exercises you have the more comfortable your sub will become in following you. You will develop your own routine and hopefully feel intimately connected with your sub. I wish you well and happy training.

11/15/2008

Sex Toy Stores for the BDSM Enthusiast

For those of you interested in trying light BDSM, or furthering your current BDSM reperetoire to include fun, innovative new techniques and toys, this post is for you.

It occurred to me (a Sub) that to be a successful Dom, you have to constantly be on your toes. Once you and your sub have decided you like BDSM, you can never stagnate. Submissives have a need to be constantly...well, dominated. :) As soon as you try one trick, they fight you, it's sexy, and it's over... well, then they mentally add that to their "Been there, done that" list and eagerly await your next new, kinky idea that will once again have them shivering with terror and delight as you subjugate them to your will in some new, farfetched way of pain and humiliation beyond their wildest dreams. Needless to say, you have to learn to advance pretty quickly from "Oooh, I'm going to tie you down and spank you a bit." And for a Dom, this can been mentally exhausting! The more intelligent, creative, and imaginative your sub, the harder it will be to stay ahead of them--which is, of course, what both of you want.

To do a lot of the suggestions in our previous posts, you have to know how to really frighten your sub. You have to be able to turn them on, scare them, hurt them, and anger them--and the trick here is to really do it, not just "pretend." These wonderful emotions are what heighten and intensify the experience for subs, and just like a drug, you have to up the dosage every time. When you find a new way to terrify or reduce them to a sniveling wreck, it will probably only work a few times. And if you want to play the kidnapping, rape fantasy, interrogation, bondage, and roleplay games that both of you want and need, your sub has to really feel that.


So how do you do it? Of course, it's different for every sub. But one great, great way to do it is sex toys. Sex toys are fantastic as they are completely safe to use during sex because, well, that's what they're made for! It's much safer to "rape" your sub with a dildo than with any household objects you may find lying around the house.

For those on a budget, I can make a list of "cheap or free sex toys" to use, but that deserves its own post. However, if great sex, intimate bonding, and constant excitement are what you and your lover want, sex and bondage toys are really an investment that will be worth your time and money. I would recommend experimenting with many types, brands, and styles. Don't be afraid to seriously, truly hurt, beat, or frighten your sub--that's why they have a safeword! And as a sub, I would honestly recommend buying some painful and awful toys on your own and surprising them with it mid-scene one night. Don't be afraid to cause pain! And once you find a toy or position your sub really, truly hates, use it! If they hate being paddled, then an intense beating is going to be your most effective training tool. If they despise a certain torture toy, then using it as a threat is much more effective than, "Oh no, I'm going to spank you..." when they actually love being spanked. Keep this in mind when you're tempted to give in to them or "go easy" on them... you are only inconveniencing yourself.

Most sex stores will ship to your door in small, unmarked boxes, and there are discreet storage bins available so you don't need to worry when your mother-in-law comes over. And the more you buy, the more toys in your arsenal so you and your partner can enjoy each other, both inside BDSM scenes and without.


That said, let's begin with some ideas.

Some very basic needs for all BDSMers are bondage toys. The collar and cuffs in the left picture are from Early2Bed, and they have velcro and plastic cuffs, collars, blindfolds, bondage tape, bondage rope, and cuff connectors for anywhere from $12-50. You can also get under-the-bed restraints to tie someone spread-eagle or doorjam restraints to immobilize someone from the top of a door. Fun, fun, fun!

The photo on the right shows some nipple clamps. Also from Early2Bed, these clamps range from $15-20. Nipple clamps are just what they sound like: clothespin-like clamps that pinch your nipples. They often come with a connecting chain. They work on both males and females, and some stores sell them with a third chain and clamp that fastens to the penis or clit. These are used in BDSM for nipple torture; at first, the clamps cause a nice pressure, but a Dom can pull, yank, or lead you by the chains to cause more sensations. Also, they may feel fine on, but they will hurt coming off! The longer you leave them on your sub, the more terrible pain they will feel when they come off, so you can use them for a few minutes for some fun, light play or for longer periods for a serious punishment. Other nipple toy ideas are suction cups (enlarge nipples and increase sensitivity) and pasties.

Another cool idea is this hog-tie kit from Smitten Kitten. This hog-tie cuff toy (left) is $40, to give you an idea of price.





Other great toys are riding crops and paddles (right). Riding crops are smaller, and will therefore leave smaller welts and marks on your partner. Paddles tend to be wider. Both can come, like the the heart paddle on the right, with carved designs or words to leave indentations on your sub's body. They'll be wearing marks of your adoration for hours! Depending on your strength and how hard you hit, crops and paddles can vary from light spanking to incredibly painful. Good Vibrations has a good online selection for beginners varying from $16-22.


The flogger on the left comes from Babeland. (Go to babeland.com!)Their whips and floggers vary from $16 to $65. If you want a fun, colorful toy for light smacks, a cheaper one will do, but if you want a serious one made from real leather that delivers actual pain, you'll have to shell out more money.

Now let's up the intensity a little. Thus far I've shown you some of the very basics for beginning BDSM. But what if your sub is already bored, or getting mouthy or cheeky, and you can't come up with new ideas to tormet and torture the poor thing? If your lover is needy when it comes to new thrills, and you're very brave and heartless, maybe some meaner sex toys are up your alley.


This Pinwheel from Babeland scares me just looking at it. I'm not sure what you'd do with it, but whatever it is, I'm sure it wouldn't be pleasant. I think you could actually draw blood with this thing. (If drawing blood sounds hot to you, and you want it, it's only $25--a small price to pay for the vampiric BDSMer!)


If you get off on seeing sheer terror come over your sub's face when you bring out a new toy, this Pump and Cylinder Kit is for you. It's actually not as scary as it looks, but I know if I were tied up and someone brought this out, I'd freak out. Like all these toys, it can be used on both male and female subs: the cylinder is placed over the clit or penis and the suction causes them to fill with blood. This makes the genitals (temporarily) larger and more sensitive. You can get this Pump and Cylinder Kit from Babeland for anywhere from $113-165. Good Vibrations has a a different model for $32.
These spreader bars are also from Babeland and are $65. I think they sound hot! You need handcuffs and cuff connectors, and then you can use the connectors to clip the cuffs to the bar. This forces the person to either keep their legs spread or keep their arms spread. Of course, you could probably make something similar on your own and save the sixty-five bucks, especially if you want two (for feet and hands).







The next terror-ific idea is a speculum. (Yep, that's right, all the women just tensed up with fear on their faces and all the men looked confused.) A speculum is what those evil sadists called OB-GYNS use on us poor females when we are forced to go to those yearly torture sessions called pelvic exams. While this toy can obviously only be used on les femmes, evil male Doms can use insert it into the vagina and enlarge it slowly (I've heard of really mean Doms who used speculums meant for or cows!). This would also be way fun as a prop if you are into medical play (Nurse/Doctor game, anyone?). Get it at Babeland for 6 bucks.

Since I put a girls'-only toy on here, it's only fair I add a boys'-only toy. The Prostrate Pleasure Kit below from Babeland is $69.The Prostrate Pleasure kit is for couples interested in beginning anal play. Since many men are understandably nervous about having something up their butt, this is geared toward those just curious and starting out. The book gives you instructions, and the dildo is specifically made for hitting the "P-spot" (prostrate) and giving a man a new kind of orgasm. Tie your male sub up and use it on him (with lube!!!) or have a fun time exploring together without the BDSM element.

A strap-on harness is yet another toy I've never tried but would like to (don't tell my dom!). Both men and women can use strap-ons; Babeland sells them from $65-105. It is a myth that strap-on dildos are only for lesbian lovers; many hetero couples use them. The woman can wear the harness to explore Bending Over (I'll explain that shortly), or the man can wear it.
Why would a man use a strap-on dildo, you ask? Well, for many reasons: because it's kinky and sexy, because it's fun, because he wants to try something new, because he has EFD (erectile fuction disorder), because he's using a Male Chastity Device for other BDSM purposes, because he wants his partner to feel something newer, bigger, or different. Only a dildo can achieve the variety you get with strap-on harnesses. A woman may want to experience sex with silicon, glass, or rubber dildos, or with a dildo/vibrator combination, or experience a new sense of fullness with a larger, rounder dildo, or try a dildo made specifically to stimulate her G-spot, or to get clitoral and G-spot stimulation simultaneously. There are a multitude of ways for partners to explore sex together like this. A male penis may be great, but it isn't made of cleanable glass and it doesn't come with a built-in vibrating attachment, and you certainly can't make it 10 inches long and 3 inches wide on command. So consider pleasing your wife in ways you were never capable of before, and your harness may become your new best friend.

For the truly evil Domme (female Dom) or the truly brave male, Babeland also has a Bendover Beginner Kit for $106. Bending Over, for those who don't know, is when women wear a harness and strap-on dildo and penetrate the male. This is so both partners can experience penetrative sex in a new way. This kit comes with two dildos made specifically for beginners (aka, smaller) and the DVD Bending Over Your Boyfriend. A word of warning, though: the website says the video actually shows you what to do. Obviously I haven't seen the video (I don't have $106 to waste on something I don't know if my Dom would even try!) but it doesn't sound like porn, but it is close enough that Christian customers should be careful. If you want, just buy a strap-on harness and the book version of the movie; no worries there!

Babeland also has lots more packages and kits for anywhere from $20 to 186. Whether you want a beginning sex toy kit, specific games or plays, massage and bath oils, etc., I would recommend browsing their site.

And last but not least, the Waterproof Throw from Holistic Wisdom! It may not be a kinky sex toy, or mean and nasty in any way, but I adore it so much I think it bears mention! If your play tends to get messy, this throw will be perfect for you. You can lay it on the floor, or throw it over a sofa or bed to protect your furniture, then wash it after use. Get it from Holistic Wisdom for $85.
This ends my treatice on sex toys. I'm sure there are many others I've neither thought of nor experienced. Alas, only time (and money) can heal my malady.
A note on sex stores: As Christians, be careful when you browse online. Although there are many things a Christian can legitimately purchase, stay away from pornography and sex toys geared specifically toward solo masturbation, threesomes, or homosexuality.
And finally, you may have noticed I used Babeland more than any other store in this post. That is because, honestly, I find their site to be the most attractive, user-friendly, and professionally done. It is one of the only sites that lists prices in the search, rather than forcing you to tediously click on each item to find the price. Go to babeland.com!
Easy2Bed is also fairly easy to navigate, although it concentrates more on male and female dildos and vibrators, and doesn't have as big a selection of BDSM and bondage toys. It is also very vegan-friendly (animal-rights friendly).
And it also bears mentioning that Good Vibrations has by far the largest selection of "hard core" BDSM toys and bondage gear if you want to take your sub to heights beyond light spanking and play flogging. It and Holistic Wisdom are the only sites I found with an absolutely spectacular array of sex furniture, couches, beds, pillows, inflatables, and other great stuff.
Happy playing!

11/14/2008

Figging (How It Really Feels)

I am one dedicated blogger! I'm lying here now with a burning, aching bum. I'd been reading about figging, an activity my Dom and I had decided to try and write about on our blog. We decided to have me do it, partly--I believe--because he was chicken, but mostly because I am the logical choice as a female can experience figging anally, vaginally, and clitorally. So today I decided to go ahead and try it, even though my dom's not here now. Am I brave or what? :) Read below for my minute-by-minute commentary (and my rear still hurts!).

If the links don't work, you can reach both these blogs in the "Links We Like" box on the bottom right of the page and find them that way!
First off, here is a great article by Franklin Veux that explain what figging is and how to do it.
And here is an article by Garnet Joyce that gives a common-sense warning about why figging can be dangerous and why not to do it.

That said, I did it anyway, and here are the results:

Figging (Clitoral)
5:10 pm: Cut giner root. Listen to some music; Girls Just Want to Have Fun? No, I choose Sarah Brightman. Root is surprisingly easy to cut, like peeling an apple. And smells good! 5:14 pm: Place ginger on my clit and cross legs. Feels cold! Strange, cooling sensation down there because of cold water. Ack!
5:15 pm: still cold, but not tingling or burning yet. Patience…
5:17 pm: is it working? did I do it wrong? less cool now… almost feels normal.
5:19 pm: I need chapstick. But don’t want to move. L
5:21 pm: is that a slight, slight burning sensation on my lower left outer labia? Sigh.
5:21 pm: Yes, definitely working now. Tingling, light burning sensation on my left side and clit…. can’t decide if it hurts or is just annoying… but really it’s so light, it’s easy to ignore.
5:22 pm: Oops! Now the right side started, too!
5:23 pm: Burning is now growing steadily. At least it works! But I don’t see how it is sexy or pleasurable. It just burns. On a pain scale 1-10, it’s only like a 3, but there is nothing pleasurable about this.
5:24 pm: Ow. Ow ow ow. Oh wait, okay, now this is better. Burning just subsided into an all-over tingling/lighter burning that is less concentrated and intense, more of a slow, sharp tingling all over my clit and labia. Still not turned on, but this isn’t bad!
5:25 pm: See how dedicated I am to my blog readership?
5:26 pm: This isn’t horrible pain. Like a 4. I can see how this would be sexy if I’d done something bad and my Dom tied me up and did this to me, instead of just sitting here waiting. I would feel a little pain and fear more coming. And couldn’t take it off when I wanted.
5:28 pm: I take that back. It really doesn’t hurt enough to be a sexy punishment. And I’m not even that into pain.
5:29 pm: still sort of burns/itches. Annoying. But still at a 4, so nothing I can’t handle. Sigh. I’m rather disappointed. The burn doesn’t seem to be growing anymore, so I’m going to take it off, throw this piece away, and start with the next “experiment.”


Figging (Vaginal)
5:30 pm: Take another small piece of ginger root. Still smells good! I’m only going to use the smaller knife this time. My clit still burns a bit, by the way, even with the ginger in the trash.
5:31 pm: Begin carving. The ginger smells fantastic, by the way! How can I incorporate freshly-cut ginger scent into my home decorating? Hm…
5:33 pm: Done carving. It’s hard to keep it smooth, and when you pull rather than cut the peel off, it gets stringy. Kind of awkward. My clit still sort of burns. *mad face*
5:35 pm: have now inserted ginger. Now it’s awkward to sit cross-legged to type.
5:37 pm: a much more immediate reaction! I could feel something the moment I put the ginger in. Now it is burning a bit. It also hurts, but I think this is due to my clamping my vaginal muscles around it to try to hold it in more so than the size or shape of it. I’ll try to relax…
5:38 pm: Again, nothing too painful, just an annoying, tingling burn inside and a soreness on the lips as they try to hold the ginger in (I’m sure this could be fixed by making it longer. But I’m sure this would be sexy to have a Dom tie me up bent over something, carve this in front of me, insert it in, and leave me, returning later once it burns a bit to spank or paddle me. Especially a big piece. *evil grin*
5:40 pm: The burn is nothing to the pain around my inner lips… it just aches and feels uncomfortable! Not fun! On the 1-10 pain scale, the ginger burn is about a 1 or a 2 and the ache is about a 4 (5 when I tighten up!)
5:42 pm: I can’t take it anymore. The burn is nothing, but this ache is not worth it. I must have shaped it funny, or not made it long enough so the end of the ginger is hurting the vaginal opening. Make it longer next time so the two don’t come in contact!


Figging (Anal)
5:43 pm: This is what figging was originally intended for, but it’s the one I’m least enthused about trying. Ick. Oh well, it’s research! My insides still ache ache ache, by the way!!! The burn is completely gone, but it did not sit well inside my body! But the burn was nothing, much less even than compared with my clit. I wonder if it’s because of my body’s natural lubricants? I’ve read lube decreases the effects, and I do self-lubricate a lot…

5:51 pm: I have inserted the root, slowly and carefully. I took much more care with this one to make it smooth and round… imagine the possibilities if I didn’t *shudder*. I do have to be careful to relax consciously, as it is thin and could break easily, and I feel my intestinal muscles could probably break it easily on accident. That would be…awkward.
5:52 pm: Once again, a much more immediate sensation! I can feel it right away, it’s neither painful nor pleasurable, just cool (from the water) and a light, almost featherlike tingle.
5:53 pm: a side note as I wait: Doms, if you want to try this, make sure you make your partner squeeze, both during and after. It makes it hurt slightly more, and since I’m getting barely any pain out of this supposedly-very-painful activity, it might be necessary. I wonder if it’sbecause my root was a few days old? It shouldn’t matter til you peel it, but maybe not-fresh root loses its potency.
5:54 pm: Yep, definitely burning now! Ow! Just a 3.5 on my pain scale, so if my Dom did this to me I would still be grinning smugly because I’m stubborn, but for just sitting around my room alone, it definitely hurts a bit!
5:55 pm: Still holding steady with a steady, even burn right about a level 4. Meaning I can feel it, it’s uncomfortable, but not too bad. Nothing to make me scream or fight. Might be worse if I were being spanked, but honestly, I think a good hard slapping session or paddling would be much, much better punishment.
5:56 pm: It’s just elevated to a definite 5 or 5 and a half. I’m a little excited, as this experiment has been mostly a bust!
5:57 pm: Okay, we’re to a 5 or 6. It burns, and it hurts! But if I were being punished, nothing. You’d still get no peep out of me. The point of hurting someone is to break them: make them moan, scream, cry, and beg you to stop even when they don’t want to. It hurts! But I could definitely take it with no noise. Definite 6 now!
5:59 pm: It just occurred to me that it may not be getting higher than a “6” pain level because I’m not clenching. I tried once, lightly, and I think my behind burst into flames. It would definitely be much, much worse if I seriously clenched down. So if you can do something to make your partner clench (like paddling them), that’s an idea, but I think it might be dangerous because butt muscles are strong and ginger is very weak. It would be terrible to break it inside you on accident and not be able to get it out… what an awkward trip to the doctor that would be! That said, it is probably not wise to ever put something in your bum that isn’t made to go there (like a dildo) so, be careful! A dildo covered in Bengay will do the trick for the pain and be much safer!
6:01 pm: Okay, I’m in some serious pain now, but still about a 6 and still nothing that forces me to make a peep. I’m considered this experiment done, for what it’s worth, and taking the ginger out. And then washing my hands.


That said, my recommendation would be that, if you want to try figging, stick to clitoral and vaginal stimulation (places where it can't get stuck more than 4 inches up your body). If you are interested in other anal play or pain, use a dildo or vibrator made for such purposes and cover it with Bengay for an evil burn. Figging was interesting once, but not all it's cracked up to be.

Signing off at 6:15 pm, with a still-burning bum.

Additional note: I had rectal bleeding the next day, and used a very small and painless piece. Online research suggests ginger and other irritants can cause this on sensitive skin. Stick to sex toys; don't try this!

Orally Pleasuring a Female...BDSM Style

This is a how-to guide to all those men out there without proper knowledge of the female anatomy or how it needs to be pleasured. I haven't been classically trained in the art of cunnilingus, however I do get good reviews from my little sub. She has told her female friends about the way in which I pleasure her and they all wanted me to give lectures to their boyfriends. Being that I love to go down on my lady (and in fact crave it) I'm going to pass on my knowledge that you too may give yours that inner glow, which comes from your tongue caressing their most delicate flower.

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A good and satisfying experience for the woman starts long in advance. Men, it doesn't start when she is beginning to disrobe in preparation of your naked bodies meeting. No, it starts in the middle of dinner when you lean over and tell her how good she tastes. Then go back to eating like nothing ever happened. Then you continue to periodically remind her how badly you need your tongue on her clit. When she smiles or blushes be sure to tell her she's dirty for enjoying that moment.

Then when you arrive somewhere safe enough to follow through (notice I didn't limit this to the bedroom, be creative. Go outside!). Be sure to tease her. Take you time kissing her and telling her she's irresistible. Take of her top slowly, pay attention to shoulders, chest, and then breasts, and caress her body with your hands. If during this time she makes a mistake punish her for it. Nothing like the hot/cold treatment to turn your girl on. They won't mind, in fact, they will thank you for it if they are well trained.

Now it comes time to work your way down on her. Be dominating and assertive with her. Give her guidelines or boundaries, like stay quiet. When they aren't, enforce the rules. Simple. Then add in some humiliation. Tell them to spread their legs slowly. Describe to the girl how she looks spread eagle in front of you. Now is the time when just a little teasing is necessary. The longer tease between dinner and now works in your favor. She wasn't sure if she was getting any all night. Now that her legs are open and you can smell her beautiful scent, she knows where you're going. No need to pretend like you're going to drop her like a bad habit to play Xbox 360.

Now you are licking her lips and clit gently. Now I've read enough articles in Cosmo to know that every woman is different! Some are going to have highly sensitive clits, which keep them from enjoying a head on lick. These women will require a very light and gently lick and keep it slow and light. Other women will not be as sensitive and want you to give them more pressure. Either way I've never, ever read a complaint from a woman that said her man was too light on her clit. By the way, if you haven't figured it out yet it's all about communication.

Use the flat part of your tongue and not the point. This will create a nice, firm pressure. The point of your tongue will most likely just hurt. Spend more time on the clitoral hood than on the clit itself. The clit may be acceptable to stimulate, but this will be easier once she is turned on and close to cumming. Another thing is that it is acceptable to suck some on her clit, but never use teeth. You don't want her to chow down on you with her teeth, so don't do it to her! It's also okay for you to suck on her, too. This includes the labia and clit. You just need to change things up and keep it interesting for her. To change it up be sure to slide a finger or two into your partner. Give them to come hither motion to hit their G-Spot and watch them writhe in ecstasy.

Now, if you are evil you can control her orgasm and make her beg to cum all over your mouth. Make her say please and thank you. If she disobeys any rules in the process make her pay.

This is important! I realize that you as a male will want to crank up the speed to 10 once you see your lady's back arch and you hear those little pants/moans come out...it seems counter intuitive, but men slow and steady wins the race!

Now she has cum all over your face and is a sweaty, panting mess. Congratulations! Be sure to make the sub thank you before they drift off to a post-orgasmic nap. Good luck out there and happy licking!

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