There's No Porn in My Kinky Marriage

A lot of kinky relationships seem to treat pornography as normal, common, expected. Women write posts about how their lovers look at porn without them, and laugh about how 'all men are like that.'

Well, not all men.

Not my man.

He doesn't watch porn. Neither do I.

Aside from the obvious ethical problems with spending your time or money on porn, such as the denegration of women or the complete disregard of the sexual health of the actors and actresses, I have a Biblical problem with porn. Matthew 5:27 says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

So I try not to look at other men lustfully, and my Dom does the same for me. We do not watch porn, either apart or together. We try to be sexually fulfilled by each other. I pray about our sex life. I want God to be a part of it.

So I don't buy the excuses that "all men watch porn" or "they can't help it." It is possible for a man to be sexually satisfied by one woman, and vice versa. Maybe it is something we have to work on, but we believe it is possible and we strive toward that goal.

If we want something kinky, we tell each other. I get inspired by movies or books or blogs, and we try it out in the bedroom. Sure, I find some scenes in movies sexy, but I'm not watching two strangers actually have sex on camera.

Monogamous partners can succeed in monogamy. It can still be fun and kinky and sexy without input from other, completely unrealistic influences.

Just ask the author of Jewish Heavenly Sex, which is often sold in Christian bookstores. He encourages couples to sext, send naughty pictures, write steamy letters, and seduce each other. He even encourages couples to make their own pornography tapes, shared only between them, for use on the man's business trip or other tiny separations.

I don't think pornography is good for my marriage. We try to stay away from it and make our own memories.

Porn and the Christian BDSMer

In many BDSM communities, porn is 100% accepted. It is considered part of a natural, normal sex life where sexually active people believe they are biologically wired to need sex often, from multiple partners, with porn and masturbation as an aid, and with an assortment of fantasies to help it along.

I don't believe this is the way sex has to be. I don't even believe it is the way sex was meant to be. I may be a minority here, but if the Bible is any guide to history, minorities are often in the right. Just look at Lot in Sodom, Joseph and Nicodemus among the Jewish leaders who crucified Jesus, the three men in the book of Daniel who stay strong and are thrown into a furnace, and even Jesus himself. In short, popular wisdom is not always correct.

Most sex manuals today will say that masturbation and porn are a normal part of a healthy sex life. I say they're not. I say the most vibrant, healthy, lovemaking, spiritual, toe-curling, loving, bonding, sexually satisfying relationships are those enjoyed by two married, faithful people who only look to each for satisfaction.

Here is my response to the "convential wisdom" that says Christian BDSMers need to look at porn.

1. Men are biologically hardwired to need more sex than women.
   
   
   My answer: While most studies claim men have a higher sex drive, there are a few studies who insist this isn't true at all, but only a myth society has convinced both men and women. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthromorphist, says, "Both sexes have a high sex drive, but they express it differently" (source). WebMD says that while men do have a higher libido than women, this is because women's sex drives are more complex and also more affected by cultural factors (source). Also, sex drive varies by age. Men reach their sexual peak at a younger age, normally 18-22, and it starts to decline about the time they hit 35-40. Ironically, many women hit their sexual peak at 35-40 (source). So while a married couple in their late 20s may find the man biologicaly craves more sex, the same couple is going to find the woman has a higher sex drive when they are in their 40s.
2. Men need the visual stimulation of porn.
   
   
   My answer: Yes, men in general tend to be more visual, but this doesn't mean they need porn. I know many men, Christian and not, who abstain from both porn and masturbation and have happy, fulfilling sex lives. And if they need visuals, their wife is their own visual treat: undressing, dressing, showering, sunbathing, sleeping, or dressing up in a nice evening gown. If this doesn't do it, married couples can make their own sexy collection, just starring them and made for an audience of them! Cameras, webcams, and video cameras can be the start of some wonderful visual sexiness just for the two spouses to share, without ever looking at strange porn stars in mass-produced photos or films.
3. Porn isn't a sin because it isn't mentioned as one in the Bible.
   
   
   My answer: Lots of things aren't mentioned in the Bible because they were not an issue at the time, or not an issue God chose to address, but that doesn't make them okay. The Bible is a set of stories and guidelines for Christians, not an exhaustive list of every single thing we should and shouldn't do. In cases such as pornography, polygamy, abortion, BDSM, and birth control, where the Bible does not specifically mention them by name or give guidance, a Christian must lean on the teachings of the Church, tradition, prayer, and an understanding of related Biblical principles.
   
   While the word "pornography" is not found in the Bible, the word "sexual immorality" is! The Bible is clear on guidelines toward sex. We are to enjoy sex only within marriage, for Hebrews 13:4 says "Let the marriage bed be undefiled." Proverbs 5:17-26 has a beautiful verse on the joys of married sex, and warns "Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you." In Matthew 5:27-30, Jesus makes it clear that even to look lustfully at a woman is the same as adultery. Not only the action, but also the thought, is the sin. If looking at and thinking about someone other than your spouse in a sexual manner is adultery, then porn is adultery. Fantasizing about Angelina Jolie or your ex-boyfriend is adultery. And adultery is a sin worthy of death (Leviticus 20:10).
   For more information on the God's Word as it pertains to sex, adultery, and porn, see here.
4. Porn is okay as long as it doesn't lead you into sin, such as an addiction or unhealthy, sinful desires.
   
   My answer: This is one I see used by many Christians. The sad truth is, it doesn't matter if you feel it is "okay" as long as it doesn't lead you into sin. Many Christians using porn tell me porn is an area to be careful in, because it can lead to fantasies, addiction, sinful desires, lust, and others, but isn't necessarily bad as long as they're careful. In my opinion, this is not Biblical. God never says to flirt with sin is okay as long as we don't get too into it. He never says to go ahead and have fun as long as we don't take it "too far." 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to "flee sexual immorality." Not walk, not run, not flirt with it, not dabble in it until it's too far, to flee. Besides, are you setting a good example by looking at porn? Leading a godly lifestyle? Keeping the gift of sex sacred to you and your spouse? Spending your money on godly pursuits that will benefit the Kingdom? Nope.
   
   To take it a step farther, I charge that those who say porn has the potential to be a sin are fooling themselves. I believe porn is a sin. If looking at another person lustfully is a sin, then porn counts. There is no way around it. Some people may say they feel okay when they and their spouse watch porn together, to help their sex life, or that they don't feel it causes them a temptation and so it is not a sin. Others say they don't have a problem with it and don't feel guilty. But our own feelings about the morality of porn are not important; God commands us to flee sexuality outside of marriage and to avoid looking lustfully at anyone but our spouse. This leaves no room for porn in a Christian's life.
5. Porn isn't cheating because a spouse is not actually having sex with someone else.
   
   My answer: I'll go back to Matthew 5:27-30. Contrary to human rationale, looking at pornography is cheating. Jesus states quite clearly that lustful glances and thoughts are just another form of adultery. In a marriage, the husband and wife have promised to love each to the exclusion of all others. They promise to remain faithful body, heart, mind, and soul. God upholds the sacredness of marriage by insisting spouses reserve their sexuality solely for each other. A spouse who looks at pornographic pictures or films may not be cheating with her body, but she is certainly cheating with her mind.
   
   What is the Bible's answer for this? The passage continues by telling believers whether their eyes or hands are causing the sexual sin (i.e. whether it's something you're viewing or something you're touching physically), to get rid of the problem. Are you attracted to a friend? Only be around that person in public places. Are you aroused by pictures of women in bathing suits? Don't look at those sites. Are you addicted to porn? Set parental controls on your computer and tv and throw away the code.

Please don't misunderstand me. All people sin and fall short of the glory of God. Looking at porn does not mean God hates you or you are a terrible person. It does mean that you are sinning and you need to get right with God. This simply required repentance and change.

If you have tried to stop looking at porn and cannot, click here for help with a porn addiction.

If you have a spouse or loved one who has a problem with pornography, click here for support.

Sex can be joyous and sacred, hot and dirty, and still Godly, without pornography. As always, good luck and God bless!

For more resources on pornography addiction, support to help rid your life of porn, and testimonies from loved ones whose marriages have been torn apart by pornography, see the links below:

Software that finds and deletes porn on your computer

About porn addiction

New Life Habits porn recovery

Message boards and support for porn overuse

Dateline info on sexual compulsions

Site for wives/girlfriends of male porn addicts

Tips to break your own porn addiction

Limits

Limits are a very important of BDSM. They are something you and your spouse must talk about first, before you try anything new. As you do research and discover more and more things that can be included in your sex life, you may find some of the activities surprise you, disgust you, intrigue you, turn you on, turn you off, make you sad, or anger you. This is totally normal! And this is why limits come into play.

A limit is something you don't want to try. Setting general limits allows the Dom (or Domme) for the scene a lot of creative freedom. If they come up with a great new idea in the middle of a scene when it is too late to talk about it, and it doesn't violate one of your limits (and you don't use your safeword), they can go ahead and try it!

Soft limits are things you are not comfortable with now, are unsure about, or don't think you want to try. However, there is some room for future reconsideration. I have found that, as I delve more and more into trust and BDSM with my dom, that some things I found "gross" at the beginning are actually becoming more acceptable and intriguing to me with time. I just needed time to think about them and get used to the idea!

Hard limits are things a top can never push! These limits are Set In Stone. You do NOT want to mess with someone's hard limits.

You and your spouse should take some time to research BDSM, read books, browse the internet (find informational articles, not erotica or porn!), and peruse chat rooms and blogs. Share what you learn, take time alone to think and set your own limits, and then share with your partner. Respect each other's limits.

BDSM is based on trust. You should be able to tell your partner your deepest, darkest fantasies, even if you are afraid they are "wrong" or your partner will be disgusted. Communicate openly!

And remember, never be judgmental toward your partner. If your spouse details a dark fantasy about how they want to dress you up as a pony, ride you around the room, and make you neigh and whinny during sex, and you are totally not into that, don't judge them (pony play is an actual part of BDSM, btw). Listen in a nonjudgmental, supportive way, tell them you understand and appreciate their desire, but say right now you just don't think you could do that. Never make your partner feel lesser or judged for sharing a fantasy; that will stop all future communication, and that is never a good thing!

If you're still not sure what limits are, I will give you some examples from my own experience:

1. Soft limits: whipping, being tied up for more than an hour, pony/puppy play, needle play, kidnapping scenes.


2. Hard limits: being forced to give oral sex, anything involving excrement or feces, having other people watch or participate in sex, nipple torture (ow!), porn.

Remember: Communicate, respect each other, and have fun!

What's Biblical and Not in Christian BDSM

After reading a bunch of stuff on BDSM, I realize that for many BDSM lifestylists, things are normal (and even expected) in BDSM that are 100% not-okay from a biblical standpoint. This will be a short article, but I think it is necessary for clarity.

Not Okay (includes but not limited to)

• polyamory (sex with more than one person, such as threesomes). Why? 1 Corinthians 7:2
• premarital sex. Why? Hebrews 13:4.
• adultery (cheating on your spouse). Why? 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.
• bi or homosexual activities. Why? 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.
• bestiality. Why? It's illegal! And, Leviticus 20:15.
• looking at pornographic texts or pictures. Why? Matthew 5:28
• doing something your Dom tells you to that you know is illegal, immoral, or unbiblical. Why? Galations 1:10
• anything not consensual. Why? It's illegal! Note to self: don't go to jail for rape.

Okay (includes but not limited to)

• women being Doms and men being Subs
• bondage, tying up, handcuffs, etc.
• hitting, spanking, paddling, whipping, etc.
• emotional humiliation (*if* the person wants it)
• rape fantasies (about your partner)
• using kinky sex toys
• anal play for men or women (it's not "gay" if you're not doing it with a member of the same sex)
• "human bestiality" (dressing up as puppy, horse, or other animal)

I think it is obvious that I did not, nor can I, list everything that is biblical and nonbiblical in BDSM, because BDSM is only limited your imagination. But many BDSM sites seem to assume that your Dom can order you to have sex with other people, have a bi or gay sex scene, have sex in front of other people, allow Masters or Mistresses to have multiple partners besides you, or participate in a threesome. Don't do anything that puts you at odds with God! If you have other questions, contact us or look it up.

Basically, the rule is this: if it doesn't harm someone else, is legal, is between two consensual adults over 18, and isn't specifically forbidden in the Bible or your Church, it's okay.

Click here for another (albeit somewhat incomplete) website on Christian BDSM relationships.