How to Tell When Your Sub Has Had Too Much

When you are the Dom, top, Mistress, Mommy, or Trainer in a relationship, you are in charge of your sub's safety and wellbeing. It is your happy job to push them to and past their limits, but just far enough that at the end, they collapse in relief and thank you later. When my Dom does this, we both note how he'll have a happy sub for days! I walk around dreamily, wanting to be close to him, complimenting his hard work in our scene, and generally feeling at peace with my world.

It's one of the only times I feel that peace.

But how do you tell when your sub is pushing his limits in a good way and when he is reaching his limits in a bad way?

Of course, the safeword is essential. But you can't always rely on it. Sometimes as a sub, I get too emotional, too wrapped up in my own head, too incoherent, too embarrassed, or simply too stubborn to admit when I'm reaching the end of my rope. I don't want to admit I might have human weaknesses, I don't want to make him feel bad for whatever he's doing, and so I don't safeword.

Luckily, there are other ways to tell when your sub is reaching his limits.

If you think your sub might be unwilling to safeword for whatever reason, a good idea is to ask him verbally. Make sure you get a verbal response in return.

Here's why. Sometimes my Dom will notice I'm seeming to get scared and withdrawn in a bad way. Even though I haven't safeworded, he'll back off and ask me sincerely, "Are you all right?" or "Is anything wrong?" And of course, although I know it's ridiculous, I'm too embarrassed and prideful to admit anything is wrong, so I just nod my head that everything is fine. This is why you must get a verbal response! And there's another reason. A sub in subspace is feeling floaty and emotional, and so even verbose, non-stop talkers like me will get incoherent and dreamy. Questions that would normally get a full paragraph answer from me, during scenes will just illicit a dreamy "Mmmm-hmmm." So if you think your sub might be reaching a bad place, mentally or physically, you must make him come out of subspace enough to answer you with words. "Yes, I am fine," or "Please keep going" are short and simple, but effective. Insist on a worded answer to your inquiries about his emotional and physical health during your scene.

Another way to tell is by the sounds and body language of your sub. Sure, even in a scene that's going great, your sub might be screaming "Nooo!" and pushing you away, or looking at you in wide-eyed fright, but a happy sub will still be moaning, biting his lip, and looking all sorts of turned on. If you back away, the sub will reach out for you and look disappointed, or maybe watch you, hoping for more. A sub who is getting genuinely scared or hurt will tense up and "freeze" and start to sound panicked as they scream or beg. In this case, when you back up you will get no response or indication they want you to keep going. It's time to pause and check to see what went wrong!

A sub who's had too much physically, even while enjoying the scene immensely, will show some physical symptoms. My Dom often knows before I do when I am reaching my physical limits, even when I am truly enjoying a scene. He says my body language will change, and my body will start to look tired. One key he looks for is when muscles start quivering. As an Army sargeant, he says he can tell when his soldiers are starting to reach the end of their physical endurance because they will slow, and their arms or legs will shake--signs the body is straining to keep up. In a scene last week, he tied me to the door and hit me repeatedly with a slapper, and eventually he said he saw my legs starting to quiver. Although I was not even aware of it, he could tell my body was reaching its limits and it was time to move on to an activity that was a little less stressful on my body.

Of course, if you have questions about your sub's endurance, ask! You'll find that you'll learn more as you play together, and begin to recognize the signs. You'll also learn from your mistakes, and that just helps you grow into a better and more experienced Dom. Enjoy the learning experience!

Is a Submissive Just a Doormat?

A lot of people hear the words "BDSM" and immediately think it's a fancy name for an abusive relationship. They figure the man must just want an excuse to have everything he wants, while the woman probably spends her time cringing in fear and serving him. In other words, the sub is the Dom's doormat.

How is a sub different from a doormat?

I believe the two are very different. A submissive differs from an abused person or a doormat in many ways. These include choice, control, work, limits, and safety.

1. Choice. For one, a submissive is there by choice; an abused woman (or man) is not. BDSM may look like emotional or physical abuse, but the difference is that BDSM is consenual and abuse is never consensual. The sub and Dom decide together how much, when, and what kinds of emotional and physical pain they would like to experiment with; an abused person has no such control.
2. Control. A sub has control over her own mind, body, and soul. If she voluntarily chooses to give that control to the Dom, that is in her control, too. A sub can use safewords, soft limits, and hard limits to make sure BDSM never goes beyond what she is comfortable with. A good Dom respects and upholds this. A doormat has no control, because others take it from her; a sub has much control and she chooses to share it.
3. Work. Being a doormat does not take any work, but a BDSM power dynamic does! The Dom has to work hard to protect the sub, to give the sub what she needs while getting what he needs, and to keep the play safe, sane, and consensual. The sub has to work at communicating her wants and needs to the Dom, choosing to be obedient even when it's hard, and having her limits uncomfortably pushed so she can grow. Both roles take lots of inner strength!
4. Limits. A doormat is someone who just takes whatever other people dish out; a sub has limits. A sub has a safeword (or safe action, if she is gagged) that means the Dom will stop immediately if she uses it. A sub also has soft limits (things she does not really want to try but is open to) and hard limits (things she absolutely will not try) that the Dom is morally bound to respect. Safe words and limits ensure a sub has control over how much she can take.
5. Safety. A doormat is basically a person who accepts physical and emotional abuse, but a good sub will never give her control to anyone but a Dom she loves and trusts absolutely. This makes sure she is safe--spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally--during play. Both the Dom and the sub are worried about the sub's safety in BDSM, whereas people abusing a doormat are not.

The First Time She Cried

Today, I am writing about the first time I made my sub cry, how I got her to do so, and what it felt like. The scene was one that I had thought long and hard on how to be unpredictable. My goal was to not only hurt her, but also make her feel my behavior couldn't be trusted. I apparently fulfilled my goal, because later on she explained she was honestly scared. I was sure to switch out avenues of pain often, because I didn't want her to get too bored. For a short time it was fingering with too many fingers or paddling or whipping. I was also sure to leave the room for short periods of time. I talked to her along the way to reassure her I wasn't leaving to go get an ice cream or anything rash.

After a good amount of abuse I could tell her limits were being pushed, in a good way. I had her against the wall, naked, and each time I would whip her, her back would arch. I got tired of it and decide the next time that happened I would slap her repeatedly. Well, both of these things happened. I was after the slapping that she started to cry. I thought there would just be a tear or two, because she's usually stubborn. However, I turned her around shortly thereafter and saw her cheeks wet. I knew then that I was turned on, happy, and fully sadistic. Although, I would never, never endanger her safety, the scene was made sexy by her crying. I don't know how to explain this, other than to give an account of it.

It was after this, I knew I had to start winding her down and ready for aftercare. I was progressively less mean and nasty. In my heart, I knew I had completed my goal. Making your sub cry could give you a rush, turn you on, make you feel truly sadistic for not caring, and set you up for topdrop as well. That's my take, what's yours?

BDSM Activities Checklist

New to BDSM? A little confused about what activities to try, once you've exhausted the light bondage and spanking options?

I (Sub) found this great website online through the EhBC group (ABC group, but they're Canadian, get it?). This online form is quite extensive and you should have plenty of time set aside before you try it. Simply fill it out, then email it to your spouse. Have them do the same for you, and then you both have a great idea of what things would turn you on, what is a hard or soft limit (what are limits?), and what you're both curious to try.

Go to the website below:

http://www.ehbc.ca/resources/checklist.php

If you aren't sure what a particular activity is, Google it! This can be a fun and informative activity for you and your partner! Have fun!

Limits

Limits are a very important of BDSM. They are something you and your spouse must talk about first, before you try anything new. As you do research and discover more and more things that can be included in your sex life, you may find some of the activities surprise you, disgust you, intrigue you, turn you on, turn you off, make you sad, or anger you. This is totally normal! And this is why limits come into play.

A limit is something you don't want to try. Setting general limits allows the Dom (or Domme) for the scene a lot of creative freedom. If they come up with a great new idea in the middle of a scene when it is too late to talk about it, and it doesn't violate one of your limits (and you don't use your safeword), they can go ahead and try it!

Soft limits are things you are not comfortable with now, are unsure about, or don't think you want to try. However, there is some room for future reconsideration. I have found that, as I delve more and more into trust and BDSM with my dom, that some things I found "gross" at the beginning are actually becoming more acceptable and intriguing to me with time. I just needed time to think about them and get used to the idea!

Hard limits are things a top can never push! These limits are Set In Stone. You do NOT want to mess with someone's hard limits.

You and your spouse should take some time to research BDSM, read books, browse the internet (find informational articles, not erotica or porn!), and peruse chat rooms and blogs. Share what you learn, take time alone to think and set your own limits, and then share with your partner. Respect each other's limits.

BDSM is based on trust. You should be able to tell your partner your deepest, darkest fantasies, even if you are afraid they are "wrong" or your partner will be disgusted. Communicate openly!

And remember, never be judgmental toward your partner. If your spouse details a dark fantasy about how they want to dress you up as a pony, ride you around the room, and make you neigh and whinny during sex, and you are totally not into that, don't judge them (pony play is an actual part of BDSM, btw). Listen in a nonjudgmental, supportive way, tell them you understand and appreciate their desire, but say right now you just don't think you could do that. Never make your partner feel lesser or judged for sharing a fantasy; that will stop all future communication, and that is never a good thing!

If you're still not sure what limits are, I will give you some examples from my own experience:

1. Soft limits: whipping, being tied up for more than an hour, pony/puppy play, needle play, kidnapping scenes.


2. Hard limits: being forced to give oral sex, anything involving excrement or feces, having other people watch or participate in sex, nipple torture (ow!), porn.

Remember: Communicate, respect each other, and have fun!