7/15/2014

There's No Porn in My Kinky Marriage


A lot of kinky relationships seem to treat pornography as normal, common, expected. Women write posts about how their lovers look at porn without them, and laugh about how 'all men are like that.'

Well, not all men.

Not my man.

He doesn't watch porn. Neither do I.

Aside from the obvious ethical problems with spending your time or money on porn, such as the denegration of women or the complete disregard of the sexual health of the actors and actresses, I have a Biblical problem with porn. Matthew 5:27 says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
So I try not to look at other men lustfully, and my Dom does the same for me. We do not watch porn, either apart or together. We try to be sexually fulfilled by each other. I pray about our sex life. I want God to be a part of it.

So I don't buy the excuses that "all men watch porn" or "they can't help it." It is possible for a man to be sexually satisfied by one woman, and vice versa. Maybe it is something we have to work on, but we believe it is possible and we strive toward that goal.

If we want something kinky, we tell each other. I get inspired by movies or books or blogs, and we try it out in the bedroom. Sure, I find some scenes in movies sexy, but I'm not watching two strangers actually have sex on camera.

Monogamous partners can succeed in monogamy. It can still be fun and kinky and sexy without input from other, completely unrealistic influences.

Just ask the author of Jewish Heavenly Sex, which is often sold in Christian bookstores. He encourages couples to sext, send naughty pictures, write steamy letters, and seduce each other. He even encourages couples to make their own pornography tapes, shared only between them, for use on the man's business trip or other tiny separations.

I don't think pornography is good for my marriage. We try to stay away from it and make our own memories.

Controlling Sex

This week has been really nice.

We've been having kinky sex. And I've been sleeping better. Fewer nightmares, I don't even remember my dreams. It's so nice!

The bad thing is it wears off after only a night. If we don't repeat the, erm, performance, the next night, I don't sleep as well again and I get nightmares.

I don't know if it's the rush of endorphins afterward, or the high of subspace, or the feeling of being totally emotionally and physically drained and then taken care of afterward.... but it makes me sleep so much better.

The 300: Rise of an Empire movie really put me in the mood. That sex scene... just, yum. And when I kept re-watching the scene on YouTube, I kept getting lots of rape and forced sex scenes (from movies, not actual porn) in the suggestions section. So I kept watching and I was definitely mentally ready for some return to our old kinkiness.

He did not disappoint. One night he took me, forced me, hurt me, bruised me, bit me... and when I was done, he kept going. I felt like I was breaking apart at the seams. I knew I couldn't take any more, but he pushed me farther anyway. At one point he had me by my throat so tightly in the shower I almost passed out. And then afterward.... sweet relief. I sank into his arms and slept like a baby.

Last night he used and controlled me some too, but not so near to my breaking point. I was grateful. I still slept great. I don't get turned on easily at all by vanilla sex, but something about being controlled and forced to do things to him.... it really gets me.

Maybe tonight I'll get lucky again. ;)

7/13/2014

300 Rise of Empire Sex Scene

BDSM is not often portrayed in movies. When it is, it's often campy and overdone, more as a joke than anything else. Most sex is movies is very vanilla.

Not so in the movie 300: Rise of an Empire. Eva Green and Sullivan Stapleton give a great sex scene, and I don't often say those words!

They both play archenemies, meeting to fight and make love and win dominance over the other.

Sex scenes in movies don't normally do much for me (I prefer novels), but yummm. I watched it like give more times after that. Maybe more. Okay, definitely more.

But other rape scenes don't really do it for me. Like the recent rape scene between Jaime and Cersei Lannister in A Game of Thrones. Or the famous rape scenes of Clockwork Orange or the lipstick scene with Margaux Hemingway forced-sex scene.

Why did I find this movie alluring? Because both characters were strong. Both fought for dominance. The man was obviously physically stronger and was going to win, but she gave him a good run for his money.

Are there any sex scenes you all particularly enjoy? Leave a comment!

6/30/2014

Sleep, Anxiety, and BDSM


With my anxiety disorder, sleep is an important component of my life. I get drained, I need more sleep. But if I am anxious, no matter how much I sleep, I have chronic nightmares all night long. I wake up feeling more stressed and tired than when I went to sleep 12 hours earlier. It makes for a long, grouchy day. Days of bad sleep can turn into weeks and months, which make me depressed and starts a cycle of depression.

Not good.

The last few days, I haven't felt particularly anxious during the day. In fact, I've been having a perfectly nice week. But I started having horrible nightmares. Disaster after disaster overtakes me in my sleep. People shoot at me with guns. Savage animals attack me. Family members make me cry. Snowstorms erupt. I am lost, afraid, alone. Cell phones don't work or people don't answer. In all these dreams, I feel helpless.

I've tried the medicines the doctor gave me -- Xanax and Ambien. Xanax makes me feel calm before falling asleep, but it doesn't keep me from having nightmares. Ambien doesn't make me calmer, but it knocks me out so I don't keep waking up from my nightmares. But both are getting less effective. I am careful not to use them every day, but it seems my body is getting used to them, anyway.

Last night, my Dom pinned me down and had sex with me and called me names and talked dirty to me. He choked me at the end. I hated/loved it. Ahhh, the complexities of BDSM.

But afterward, after the anger and fight in me had subsided, I felt that nice rush of endorphins and I relaxed.

And you know what? I didn't have nightmares!

Or if I did, the Ambien knocked me out enough that I don't remember them.

For me, kinky, rough sex is a great way to work through some really negative emotions in a way that is not socially acceptable in most situations. It allows me to feel and experience those negative emotions, and then gives me a rush of calm and peace at the end that helps me sleep better. It is a kind of anxiety medication for a very anxious girl.

Maybe I'll need to start taking a "dose" every day.

6/27/2014

The BDSM Community

One thing I have found about the BDSM community is that it is very, very open minded.  I get the feeling it wasn't always this way, that a few decades ago if you weren't into black leather and gay sex (the two most stereotypical facets of BDSM originally), you were sort of shunned since mainstream society had shunned them.

But the community grew, and now any kink is okay. There is a community-wide openmindedness that is perfectly described by the half-joking acronym YKINMKBYKIOK, Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is OK.



It is something I really, really like about this community. I'm in somewhat of a minority in the BDSM community, one because my Dom and I are monogamous and two because I am Christian. It is easy to shun others who aren't like you, but because the BDSM community is pretty much comprised of people who have sexual practices that are shunned by mainstream society, and that is a huge umbrella of kinks and proclivities, the community has really reached out to all sexual outsiders with the message, Come on in. We won't judge.

And for the most part, people don't. Sure, I see a few FetLife forums where Wiccans and Christians get into it, or the occasional rant about how monogamy is unnatural (ironic, no?), but mostly, people respect your boundaries and they respect your kink.

You're into being a dog or a horse or a kitty cat? An adult baby? A slave? Weird. But cool.

You're into Christian Domestic Discipline? You're polyamorous? You're a man who likes to be dominated by women? You fantasize about being raped? You're gay or straight or bi? Cool.

And I really, really like that mentality.

One, it has helped me grow into an individual who is a lot less judgmental of others' sexual desires. A friend confided in me that his fiancee likes to be slapped. I sort of shrugged. That might have been weird for me five years ago, but that's nothing compared to the stuff I read on FetLife, and I've gotten to know some of those people and they are serious cool, normal people whom I would be happy to hang out with. Another friend recently confided in me that his wife is interested in having a threesome. Sure, that's not my kink (as a Christian, I'd think that's a sin, but he's not a Christian and does not hold himself to the same moral values I do, and besides, I'm not living his life and what he does in his marriage is not my concern). Thanks to my experience with way more poly relationships than a one-time hookup, I was able to give him unbiased advice about a safe way to possibly meet someone with those interests, without going through something sketchy and potentially unsafe like Craigslist or a prostitute.

I like that through FetLife, I have relationships with people who are Christian and a dozen other faiths, people who are M/s, people who are CDD, people who are gay or straight or single or married. I like that this community says, "Welcome in. You'll find a place for yourself here. And if you don't, you can make one."

I think that's very cool.