Things have been going better.
Last night we had an in-home date night. We played Speed (a fun card game if you've never tried it), took a hot bubble bath even though our sub is too small for two of us (we used dish soap because we couldn't find bubble bath and I had a real craving for a bubble bath!), we watched the entire first season of Spaced (brilliant!), and had sex.
It wasn't too long or too short. The vibrator orgasm afterward was ex-cel-lent. I mean, really super satisfying. A++ on that one. I do find it strange that by the time I'm getting bored and ready for him to come and finish sex, he starts saying, "Oh no, I'm going to come!" I'm all like, Yes, PLEASE, and here I am waiting for it, but for some reason he seems to think I'll think it's too early. No sir! Last night was a perfect length. Nice.
And that's about all with us lately.
3/09/2013
2/28/2013
Silver Linings Playbook
Dealing with mental illness in any relationship is hard.
Yes, I struggle with mental illness. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Dystymia, and briefly when I was struggling with post-partum after the birth of our baby, OCD.
So I was looking forward to seeing Silver Linings Playbook. A look into mental illness and relationships seemed refreshing and applicable to our lives. Plus, it won all those Oscar nominations. And Jennifer Lawrence is so cute.
The movie was really good. First, it made me feel better about myself. "I may be a little crazy, but I'm not that crazy" sort of thing. Compared to Bradley Cooper's character, I'm a lot less hot but a lot more in control. Proud to be me!
The scene where the two main characters are listing off meds really struck a chord with me. I'd heard of those meds! I'd been on those meds! And I could really relate to the rattling off of different pills and how they worked for you and how they affected you.
I also really, really loved the part where he was judging her and she got all in-his-face about it. She claimed, "So you think you have, what, a super mental illness than me?"
Ka-bing!
It's so true. We try to put ourselves into categories. You only have depression but I have manic-bipolar disorder plus depression, so my problems are cooler than yours. I suffer from mild depression but I'd never cut myself or hurt anybody so I'm a better mentally ill person than you.
Well, if you haven't walked the proverbial mile...
This movie had a fresh outlook on mental illness as something we live with and live inspite of, not something that always controls us. Even the dad, who obviously suffered from pretty bad OCD that was both undiagnosed and untreated, showed us that anybody can be affected by mental illness, whether they know it or not, and that even the "mentally ill" can be good fathers and husbands and brothers and dads and sisters and moms and lovers.
I also liked how open this movie was to kink. There was a small part where she talked a little dirty, and the main Bradley Cooper character said he loved listening to it, and normal women would judge him for being some perv. But luckily the other character didn't judge him or assume he was a terrible person, she just let him think whatever he wanted was hot. I liked that.
This movie made me really realize how well I am living with and functioning with my particular mental illnesses. And how it doesn't keep me from being a good mom and worker and wife. I'm thankful for the doctor who diagnosed me with depression before I even had any idea I could possibly be suffering from it (I was there about my wrist, and I just happened to get a doctor who was not only really nice but had a background in psychiatry).
And that reminds me, I need to go take my meds. :)
Yes, I struggle with mental illness. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Dystymia, and briefly when I was struggling with post-partum after the birth of our baby, OCD.
So I was looking forward to seeing Silver Linings Playbook. A look into mental illness and relationships seemed refreshing and applicable to our lives. Plus, it won all those Oscar nominations. And Jennifer Lawrence is so cute.
The movie was really good. First, it made me feel better about myself. "I may be a little crazy, but I'm not that crazy" sort of thing. Compared to Bradley Cooper's character, I'm a lot less hot but a lot more in control. Proud to be me!
The scene where the two main characters are listing off meds really struck a chord with me. I'd heard of those meds! I'd been on those meds! And I could really relate to the rattling off of different pills and how they worked for you and how they affected you.
I also really, really loved the part where he was judging her and she got all in-his-face about it. She claimed, "So you think you have, what, a super mental illness than me?"
Ka-bing!
It's so true. We try to put ourselves into categories. You only have depression but I have manic-bipolar disorder plus depression, so my problems are cooler than yours. I suffer from mild depression but I'd never cut myself or hurt anybody so I'm a better mentally ill person than you.
Well, if you haven't walked the proverbial mile...
This movie had a fresh outlook on mental illness as something we live with and live inspite of, not something that always controls us. Even the dad, who obviously suffered from pretty bad OCD that was both undiagnosed and untreated, showed us that anybody can be affected by mental illness, whether they know it or not, and that even the "mentally ill" can be good fathers and husbands and brothers and dads and sisters and moms and lovers.
I also liked how open this movie was to kink. There was a small part where she talked a little dirty, and the main Bradley Cooper character said he loved listening to it, and normal women would judge him for being some perv. But luckily the other character didn't judge him or assume he was a terrible person, she just let him think whatever he wanted was hot. I liked that.
This movie made me really realize how well I am living with and functioning with my particular mental illnesses. And how it doesn't keep me from being a good mom and worker and wife. I'm thankful for the doctor who diagnosed me with depression before I even had any idea I could possibly be suffering from it (I was there about my wrist, and I just happened to get a doctor who was not only really nice but had a background in psychiatry).
And that reminds me, I need to go take my meds. :)
Being a normal weight
Being a mom is great, but it makes me tired. I weight 25 lbs more than I did when I met my husband. (Only about 10 of that is pregnancy weight, but still.) My once-pert breasts are now saggy and soft. My flat tummy has a tiny pooch. My size-5 jeans don't fit anymore. Neither do my 7s. Today I found myself even googling "Liposuction" and "Body Scultping." Like I have $1500 dollars to spend on lipo. *snorts*
One thing I like about the kink community is that thin doesn't matter. You can be sexy whether you're a size 12 or 20. It's all up to personal preference.
My Dom thinks I look great now. I think I look fine. I'm not thin but I'm not overweight. But I miss my old body.
I have tried eating less, but life just doesn't seem to be worthwhile without my Dr. Pepper and the occasional brownie. I hate health food. I love cookies and brownies. I hate vegetables. I love dessert. I need my Dr. Pepper to have the energy to get through the day. A water or diet soda just isn't as fulfilling. Diet drinks are gross. Non-sweet tea is gross. Water is not fulfilling. Neither is crunching on veggies instead of a real snack. I don't eat terribly, but cutting out everything (or most things) I enjoy just doesn't seem to work. When I've tried it, I'm miserable, and I don't even seem to lose weight. The internet declares this is because I am not overweight, so my average-size body wants to cling to its final fat stores. Apparently it would be easier to lose weight if I had more to lose. (?!!?)
I'm just so frustrated. I'm willing to cut back on soda and sweets, but not give them up totally. I don't eat dessert every day. I eat regular-sized, fairly balanced meals. Yet I still don't lose weight. Do I have to give up EVERYTHING? Start eating tiny portions and healthy snacks (yuck) and downing protein shakes (tried it, didn't work, may throw up if I ever have to drink another chocolate protein drink)?
I'm so discouraged.
One thing I like about the kink community is that thin doesn't matter. You can be sexy whether you're a size 12 or 20. It's all up to personal preference.
My Dom thinks I look great now. I think I look fine. I'm not thin but I'm not overweight. But I miss my old body.
I have tried eating less, but life just doesn't seem to be worthwhile without my Dr. Pepper and the occasional brownie. I hate health food. I love cookies and brownies. I hate vegetables. I love dessert. I need my Dr. Pepper to have the energy to get through the day. A water or diet soda just isn't as fulfilling. Diet drinks are gross. Non-sweet tea is gross. Water is not fulfilling. Neither is crunching on veggies instead of a real snack. I don't eat terribly, but cutting out everything (or most things) I enjoy just doesn't seem to work. When I've tried it, I'm miserable, and I don't even seem to lose weight. The internet declares this is because I am not overweight, so my average-size body wants to cling to its final fat stores. Apparently it would be easier to lose weight if I had more to lose. (?!!?)
I'm just so frustrated. I'm willing to cut back on soda and sweets, but not give them up totally. I don't eat dessert every day. I eat regular-sized, fairly balanced meals. Yet I still don't lose weight. Do I have to give up EVERYTHING? Start eating tiny portions and healthy snacks (yuck) and downing protein shakes (tried it, didn't work, may throw up if I ever have to drink another chocolate protein drink)?
I'm so discouraged.
11/17/2012
Thanking, Thanking
Thanking God that He has brought into my life a man who loves me, cares for me, is selfless to me, and is a great father to our child. Yes, my Dom can be stubborn. Pigheaded. A sinner. Have a temper. But he is also loving, and patient, and kind.
And that, my friends, is sexy.
(What do I see as sexy? He asked me to answer this. What do I see as sexy, hmmmm... Well, I'd say a clean face and hairless torso are sexy. Firm muscles instead of flab are sexy. A smile is sexy. Confidence is sexy. Dominating me when I want to be ;) is sexy. Wanting me is sexy. Taking me on dates you planned is sexy. Joking with me and being my head is sexy. Those things are sexy.)
And that, my friends, is sexy.
(What do I see as sexy? He asked me to answer this. What do I see as sexy, hmmmm... Well, I'd say a clean face and hairless torso are sexy. Firm muscles instead of flab are sexy. A smile is sexy. Confidence is sexy. Dominating me when I want to be ;) is sexy. Wanting me is sexy. Taking me on dates you planned is sexy. Joking with me and being my head is sexy. Those things are sexy.)
10/19/2012
Sex problems
My new sub angst (or not so new) is how to combine my ideas of D/s and our real life.
I want a great sex life. I want to be turned on by my husband. I want to want him. My perfect scenario would be we have great D/s control almost every day, with kissing or making out or messing around most days, and sex 1-3 times a week but still sexual activity most days. In this scenario I would want him and would be eager for sex and we'd both enjoy it.
But it's not that way. I don't want sex. If he initiates it I shrink away, feeling scared and sick and sort of disgusted. If he continues I might get into it just because he's controlling me, but then after a few minutes I get bored and I just resent him because I think it's taking FOREVER and why can't he just come in 5 minutes?
And then I resent him because it seems he either wants sex or nothing. I miss when we were dating and we weren't having sex. Because our "sex life" was much better then. We made out, it was hot and heavy and sexy. We messed around a lot and would spend hours pleasing each other and it was great. That never happens now. He wants sex, or I don't want sex, and we don't do anything.
I want to want sex. But I don't.
I have dreams where I am turned on by him. I want him, the way I used to. Arousal and orgasm are so much better in these dreams. But, when real life comes, I barely get turned on. I can come with a vibrator, but it's nothing compared to an emotional orgasm with someone I love and who knows how to please me. It feels good, but impersonal, and it has nothing to do with him.
When I use my vibrator I try to think about him. I try to imagine he is bossing me around and telling me what to do and I am so mentally turned on. But it is hard to maintain that fantasy. It's been too long. It is easier to just enjoy the physical sensations and not think about him at all. And then, when my mind starts to wander, I picture a new, tall, muscular man who dominates me completely. And then I feel guilty for not picturing my husband and I have to concentrate on not picturing anyone.
I need to get mentally engaged in our sex life again. But how?
I want a great sex life. I want to be turned on by my husband. I want to want him. My perfect scenario would be we have great D/s control almost every day, with kissing or making out or messing around most days, and sex 1-3 times a week but still sexual activity most days. In this scenario I would want him and would be eager for sex and we'd both enjoy it.
But it's not that way. I don't want sex. If he initiates it I shrink away, feeling scared and sick and sort of disgusted. If he continues I might get into it just because he's controlling me, but then after a few minutes I get bored and I just resent him because I think it's taking FOREVER and why can't he just come in 5 minutes?
And then I resent him because it seems he either wants sex or nothing. I miss when we were dating and we weren't having sex. Because our "sex life" was much better then. We made out, it was hot and heavy and sexy. We messed around a lot and would spend hours pleasing each other and it was great. That never happens now. He wants sex, or I don't want sex, and we don't do anything.
I want to want sex. But I don't.
I have dreams where I am turned on by him. I want him, the way I used to. Arousal and orgasm are so much better in these dreams. But, when real life comes, I barely get turned on. I can come with a vibrator, but it's nothing compared to an emotional orgasm with someone I love and who knows how to please me. It feels good, but impersonal, and it has nothing to do with him.
When I use my vibrator I try to think about him. I try to imagine he is bossing me around and telling me what to do and I am so mentally turned on. But it is hard to maintain that fantasy. It's been too long. It is easier to just enjoy the physical sensations and not think about him at all. And then, when my mind starts to wander, I picture a new, tall, muscular man who dominates me completely. And then I feel guilty for not picturing my husband and I have to concentrate on not picturing anyone.
I need to get mentally engaged in our sex life again. But how?
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