Opening Myself to Pain

In the BDSM world we have what are called "pain sluts." These are masochists who enjoy pain.

I've never been one of those. I didn't like pain with my sex. I might have liked some domination and humiliation, but pain wasn't really my cup of tea.

This was true when I married my Dom. He didn't really seem interested in hurting me, either.

When I did more research on BDSM and we started trying new things, I was surprised and a little horrified at myself when I started to like humiliation and submission. Who was this new girl? I struggled (and struggle still) with meshing my hitherto-held identity with my new desires. Finding I liked and even craved pain was just another shock for me. Like I said, I'd never been a pain slut or a masochist.

Yet I'm starting to open myself to pain with my Dom. I'd never been interested in it before, so it's hard for me to mesh this new me with the old me. Still, I can't deny that it's happening.

I'm not sure if this is something I would have always liked but only now feel comfortable enough to share with someone, or if this desire is a new part of me.

I don't like pain for its own sake. I don't enjoy the pain when it is happening to me. What I do enjoy is the control the pain makes me feel. At first, I will fight him. I will slap his hand away, try to twist away, whine, or say, "You can't" (a variation of my old "It's my body!" defense that I love to use so much).

But eventually, my body accepts his pain. I will bare myself to him and start to welcome his pain. He is causing me pain. He is master of my pain. He is master of my body. I turn and bare my body to him, inviting, even craving, his pain. Taking his pain is the submission I offer to him. I long for him to hurt me and show us both that he owns me. I wish to be pushed farther. Suddenly, I want him to hurt me more, to own me more completely, to master my body more fully.

This is hard for me to admit to myself.

I don't like the pain if I think he is doing it because I want it. Then it becomes just pain, not control, and no one likes pain for its own sake. I only enjoy it if I feel he is doing it to me, not for me. I want him to enjoy it. I want him to enjoy the control and the pain and the noise I make and the faces I make as I fight the pain. I want him to take it against my will, because that solidifies the control. The domination. The ownership.

So I open myself to his pain.

Nipple torture

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Pain to Control Me

Some people have places that feel more "submissive" than others. For instance, I enjoy having my nipples hurt. I don't like the pain, but I love the submissive feeling. On the other hand, other women like having their necks bitten or their clits pinched. To each her own, I say. As I mentioned in my last post, my Dom has been gone a lot. He's taken a new job and I'm finishing up my old one, so for 2 months we're living apart and seeing each other on weekends. It's hard, especially since we don't find time to spend real quality time bonding and talking as easily when we're only together for 1.5 days a week. Last weekend, however, we took some time where he pinned my arms behind my back (I like to be restrained with rope/handcuffs because I can't move, but he enjoys using his hands and feeling me fight) and pinched my nipples. Alone, this wouldn't turn me on so much, but when he looks into my eyes and tells me why he's doing it??.... I melt. When my Dom tells me quietly that he knows it hurts and it means for it to hurt, it turns me on so much. Those words turn me on more than touching ever could. I think this is because, when he's hurting me, part of my brain is confused about what exactly he means. There are several options:

• he doesn't realize he's hurting me and is just being inept at the pain/pleasure thing


• he's hurting me because he's an asshole


• he's hurting me because he wants me to feel controlled, to prove that I'm his

If I'm not sure, I tend to assume it's Option #1 above. This just annoys me that he can't tell if he's hurting me or not. Or, given my past experience with men, I figure it's also possible it's Option #2. But when he holds me down and hurts me and tells me that he's doing it on purpose, and that he owns me, and that I'm his to cause pain to as he wants.... ahhh, something about that just melts my heart and turns me on wildly.

Once he's hurt me and told me why and how he's doing so, I'm his. I'll let him fuck my mouth... I'll let him come all over me and rub it into my skin... I'll let him climb on top of me and slide into me as he tells me to serve him. Without that pain and feeling of being controlled, I'd never let those things happen. Yet in that moment, I'm completely his.

Doms.... take the time to communicate with your sub what you're doing, and why, and to make sure he or he knows that you know just how much pain you're causing.

*happy sigh*

Nipples!

May I just say nipples are divine?



I don't know if it's the hormones, or just because mine have always been sensitive... but my Dom touching my nipples has added the extra "umph" to just about anything lately.



Turned on by oral sex but can't quite get off? He reaches up to stroke my areolas and I get there. Not turned on enough by kissing and biting my neck to move on yet? He strokes my areolas and I get all tight and turned on.

Nipples rock.

Well, not just nipples. Areolas rock, too. They're an oft-overlooked part of sex and foreplay, I think. Men either want a fistful of boob or they go straight for the tip of the nipple. Give the middle some action, you know?

Not only can I get turned on my having my areolas teased, stroked, massaged, kissed, or lightly pinched, but every once in a while I can even have an orgasm from it. Even though it's not too often, it's always a nice bonus. My hubby likes it, too. :)

And can I just say that there is something so amazingly sexy about having my Dom look down at me, take both my nipples tenderly in his hands, and--making eye contact the whole time--squeeze my nipples hard and watch my face as I deal with the pain? He loves having the control over me and it turns him on. For me, it gives me a hurt-so-good kind of pain and makes me feel wonderfully controlled. And there is just something so intimate about the forced eye contact while he causes me pain and then gently brings me back to pleasure.

Because my nipples and areolas have been the source of so much pleasure in my sex life, I decided to do a little scouring of the internet about them. Here's what I have found:

• Nipples are not made of erectile tissue like penises and clits are. Rather, they stand on end when the muscle underneath them contracts, usually due to the cold or sexual excitement.
• Some women can come from just having their areolas stroked.
• Areolas are erotic zones and charged with nerve endings, just like the nipples.
• Nipples and areolas are considered the 2nd-strongest erogenous zone, after the obvious ones (genitals).
• One study placed the percentage of women who have had breast orgasms at 29%.

So while there is no sure-fire way to make a woman come from touching her breasts, it's still worth it to spend some time exploring her areolas and nipples and seeing what she likes. And, if it's a turn-on for some women, I'd say it's a safe bet that it's a turn-on for some men, too.

Media Watch Blog Attacks S&M

Media Watch Blog, a group dedicated to identifying and exposing hidden biases of discrimination, hate, or violence in the media and on the web, is now attacking BDSM lifestyles.

Honestly, I can understand where they get it. To the observer, BDSM can be scary--it's violent and often based on vast power imbalances that remind people of ancient days of slavery and women staying at home. But what is always clear about BDSM, in every site or book you read about it, is that BDSM is consensual and that both partners want it. Is Media Watch saying that adults who voluntarily relinquish power should not have the power to do so?

The article lists 10 "lies" about sadomasochism. I'm addressing some of them here.

Lie #1: Pain is Pleasure. The author claims that those who think "pain is pleasure" are enslaved by our culture's insistence that women demonstrate a love for others that is selfless and sometimes harmful to the woman. Well, obviously this author has never had an orgasm from being spanked or having her nipples pinched.

Lie #2: Sadomasochism is love and trust. This isn't a lie; healthy BDSM honestly takes a much higher level of trust for someone than a normal, equal-control marriage. The article points out (accurately) that there are many parallels between BDSM and cults, rape, and sexual assault. This is true, but BDSM is safe, consenual, and used with safewords. Power exchanges in BDSM are used for the enjoyment and betterment of both partners; this is never the case in rape.

Sadomasochism has to do with annihilation. Contrary to the popular legend that sadomasochism expands one’s sexuality, I believe that it restricts and ultimately destroys one’s sexual being. Subordination, humiliation , and torture are all means of deliberately destroying the self.

I have two problems with this statement. First, my experience with S&M is not one of annihilation. My husband does not seek to "destroy" my sense of self, but to encourage me to bare and accept the darker, scarier aspects of my sexuality. If I hadn't been abused when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't be drawn to BDSM, but I am, and this allows me to enjoy sex in a way that makes sense to me.

Lie #3: Sadomasochism is not racist and anti Semitic even though we “act” like slave owners and enslaved Africans, Nazis and persecuted Jews.
Okay, this one is weird to me. I've heard of BDSMers acting like parents, bosses, masters, lovers, and rapists, but I've never heard of any M/s relationships that compared themselves to enslaved Africans or Nazis and Jews. Africans were enslaved involuntarily; they did not put out personal ads on kinky websites asking to find a Master to match their true submissive natures. The Nazis were a group that hated the Jews and so tried to kill them; Masters love their slaves and so try to lead them.

Lie #4: Sadomasochism is consensual; no one gets hurt if they don’t want to get hurt. No one has died from sadomasochistic “scenes.”

Is it ever OK to consent to one’s own humiliation and victimization? I do not
think so.

Wait. A feminist who thinks females should NOT be allowed to choose their own preferences and sexual expression? How original. (::rolls eyes::) And yes, of course people have died from these scenes; I've never heard anyone claim otherwise. BDSM is dangerous; that's why we bloggers and teachers scream "Safewords!" and "Safety First!" Deaths and injury have occured. I've written about these topics myself.


Lie #9: Reenacting abuse heals abuse. Sadomasochism heals emotional wounds from childhood sexual assault.

A greater percentage of women “into sadomasochism” have histories of childhood sexual assault, than those women who do not participate in sadomasochism. However, sadomasochism obscures the real pain and abuse of women...Sadomasochism is a repetition, not a healing, of childhood sexual assault. Some have suggested that sadomasochism can actually be physiologically addictive.

Yes, I've heard that women with histories of assault are more likely to end up in the BDSM community. I've actually conducted a survey on BDSM and abuse with similar findings. However, there are many men and women in the community with no history of abuse. Whether a woman is healing or simply repeating her learned helplessness, if she is with a loving, permanent partner who allows her to enjoy sexuality the way she wants to, can this be wrong? Sure, I find it likely that my past experiences with nonconsenual power exchange, emotional abuse, and sexually manipulative men shaped me into a woman who enjoys being sexually submissive. So? My husband knows this and is careful with me. He is willing to do what feels "right" to me, no matter what society thinks. When I safeword, there has never been an instance where he did not stop immediately. In fact, even with past boyfriends, if I safeworded or indicated I was ready to stop, there has never been a time a man did not immediately respect my wish.


In all honesty, I think it's good that there are people out there writing thoughtful, well-documented articles against BDSM. With all the good and not-so-good BDSM resources out there, it's easy for newbies or wanna-bes to fall into BDSM and fancy themselves the World's Next Great Master or the Twoo Submissive Searching for Love. It's important for us to realize that yes, there are people who abuse BDSM and use it for violence, abuse, slavery, racism, and other bad things. I'm honestly glad someone pointed it out. But to pretend like that's all BDSM is? That's an obvious lie.

Wait, maybe we could add that to Media Watch's list!

Lie #11: Sadomasochism is harmful for its adherents.

I'm Lovin' It

Yes, I'm humming the McDonald's theme song.... and not because I like Mickey D's (ew), but because I'm happy in my D/s relationship.

I don't think it matters if you are vanilla, M/s, D/s, Taken in Hand, codependent, CDD, or whatever else you want to be, as long as you are both happy. In fact, even though I identify as D/s as well as CDD and Taken in Hand, I still have long and fruitful talks with my vanilla girlfriends about sex, relationships, and men. Relationships are just relationships, and even my BDSM marriage has more in common with a vanilla relationship than it differs.

Right now, I'm frustrated because Blogger doesn't have a gadget so I can publish my comments that I make to other people's blogs. There are so many great blogs out there to do with D/s, that I find through the blogrolls of the blogrolls of my Google Readers, and I comment on them because they're good and they make me think. I want my readers to be able to see these great blogs as well as my comments on them, and I also want to be able to find these blogs later once my "internet trail" is all but forgotten in a blitz of right-clicking and opening new tabs from the blogs I'm on. I'm always amazed by how many good D/s blogs there are out there.

So why am I happy?

I got a lot of sleep. That's always awesome for me. I was traveling the last five days and up late every night. When I got home, I kept my exhausted body up til 2:30 am with my husband, first fighting and then making love, and I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon the next day! (!!!!!) I mean, I normally sleep til 8:30 or 9 am. Sleeping in til 10:30 is a great morning for me. I cannot remember a time I have ever slept that late, but it really screwed up my sleep schedule since at 5:30 am this morning I was awakened by a purring kitty and felt wide awake.

I'm also happy because of the cats. We have two kitties, near and dear to my heart. One of them, the snobby one I've had since she was a kitten, is cuddly and nice about once a week, and the rest of the time is aloof, grouchy, needy, jealous, and whiny. But today, since I was gone for five days, she has been purring and laying on my lap, even though I'm typing.

The other one we adopted when she was about a year old from a family who had saved her from being put down by a neglectful owner. I'm not sure WHY this owner would ever put her down, since she is the most laid back, low-maintenance, lovey and friendly cat I have ever met. It makes me so mad when people do not take care of their animals. When we got her, she was ugly and scrawny, bony with nasty, gross-feeling yellowed fur that felt icky no matter how many times I gave her a bath. Now, a year after being in a happy, healthy home with regular access to nutrition and meals, she is a gorgeous, white, chubby kitty with soft, fluffy, healthy fur. I'd like to just punch her old owners in the face, whoever they were.

Anyway, this second one is usually pretty self-sufficient and uses humans only to be petted. I knew she loved to cuddle and get pets, but I assumed I was about as important to her as any warm machine that could deliver the same amount of cuddles and pets. However, leaving for 5 days has proved me wrong! She has followed me around for two days now, purring at a ridiculously loud volume and basically loving all over me. Cuddles, tummy rubs, purrs, kneading, and batting at the air have been going on for two straight days now. I think she actually missed me! In fact, last night I climbed in to bed, and she climbed up and flopped down next to me and started rolling on her back and pawing the air so energetically that she forgot where she was and slid right off the bed. It was hilarious! I saw her realize she was going down, too, and her little ears went back and she tried to grab the bedsheets as she slid down with a crash. It was pretty funny!

Anyway, aside from cats and lots of sleep, I'm happy in my relationship. It's such a strange feeling for me, after years of never trusting or being happy. Trust and happiness are still elusive for me, but it's improving. I don't always trust my Dom, but I'm slowly starting to more and more. We both hope that after years of marriage, I will eventually be able to open my heart to him and be fully healed.

We've had sex three times in three days, which is unheard of for us with my past of sexual abuse. I can go for 4 to 6 weeks with no sex without blinking, which drives him nuts. In fact, he really hurt my feelings the other day by telling me that although sex is great when we have it, the lack of frequency makes our sex life unfulfilling for him. I pride myself on being good at sex, and on fulfilling him in other ways than vaginal intercourse, so that news really, really hurt me---and made me less likely to want to have sex with him. Sexual healing is a vicious cycle.

Last night he gave me some new rules (hurray!) and although I don't like all of them, I am excited to have that structure. I don't think there's such a thing as too many rules for me, as long as he is able to remember and consistently enforce them all.

One of my rules is to have dinner ready at 5:30 pm. Yesterday I was very bad and got hooked on reading blogs, so I had to grab a fast dinner (cold chicken pasta salad on crackers) to get done on time, and I was really cutting it close at 5:28 pm. But I still made it! It wasn't a culinary masterpiece so I'm not really proud of it, but there's so much left over we'll probably have it for dinner the next two nights.

Another of my rules is to be sexually available at all times. This is also hard for me, due to the aforementioned lack of sex. I'm just normally not that interested. Intercourse scares me and makes me feel used and disliked. It's hard to train myself otherwise, even though in my head I know he loves me.

Last night, we had sex and it was very nice. But for some reason, I couldn't handle the "tender lovemaking" scene. I felt needy and spread too thin, like there were a billion ways I could go and I felt completely overwhelmed by them all. I didn't like it when he was trying to bring me pleasure tenderly. It just made me feel panicked. (I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this confession, but hey---I admit I've been screwed up and I'm healing, and I admit I prefer a codependent and enmeshed marriage to an independent one.)

Anyway, part of my training---he hasn't said this, but I can tell---is that he's trying to train me to ask for what I want, emotionally and sexually. This is very difficult for me. I tend to hint, or whine, or complain, or demand, or beg, but never simply make a request. I don't know why. Making a request makes me feel too needy, too scared, and too vulnerable, so I attempt other means to get what I want. Unfortunately, he seems to have caught on.

So he's slowly forcing me to make requests. He's stopped responding to my hints and moans and scrunched-up, unhappy faces, even though he usually probably knows what I want. Sigh. He forces me to say the words out loud and finish them with a "please."

Well, I don't like to ask for stuff sometimes. It's embarrassing to ask him for my vibrator or to ask him to hurt me. I feel like those desires aren't "normal" and they are shunned by society. A Christian wife should enjoy lying there, being made love to by her husband. But as a submissive, I want more. I don't want to be made tender love to (at least not usually, but sometimes I do!). I want to be hurt, controlled, and made demands of.

Last night, I needed to be controlled. "Making love" left open too many possibilities that just scared me to death. I wanted to be held down and used. Specifically, I wanted his hand on my throat, threatening that ultimate submission of lack of air.

I whined, and I scrunched up my face, and I twisted around, but he wouldn't do it. I think he knew what I wanted, too. Stubborn man. Sigh. I took his hand and put it back around my throat, but he wouldn't do it. Panicky me.

Finally, he laughed with a low growl and said, "Ask me for what you want."

Sigh. I hate asking. Especially for things society tells me I "shouldn't" want, even though I know in the BDSM community and with my Dom they are perfectly normal and acceptable, things "good girls" don't want or need like being slapped or hit or called names or having their husband grab them by the throat while they're making love. I just need something that makes lovemaking a little less intense and scary while I'm learning how to deal with it.

So, [groan], I asked for it. I even said please. My Dom didn't judge me for wanting to be held down and my throat grabbed, he just did it and kept one or both hands around my throat for the remainer of the time. When he took his hands away, I felt panicky and insecure. When he put them back, I was able to relax and go limp. I don't know why, but I needed that extra control.

Afterward, we cleaned off and drifted to sleep. I like it best when he grabs my hair or throat as I fall asleep, when he squeezes me tight against him with one hand and tangles his hand in my hair and pulls gently with the other hand. I need that slight tug of pain to feel safe as I drift to sleep.

This morning, I woke up at 5:30 because Cuddly Cat was flipping herself out purring so much as she snuggled her little face into my poor chin. Seriously, that cat was LOUD. I'm going to Europe in a few days and I can hardly wait to see how happy they'll be when I come back.

Anyway, I wanted to be squished, hair pulled lightly, body smushed down, but he isn't very good at that when he's sleepy. He just wants to cuddle vanilla-style. But then he woke up and asked if I wanted to have sex.

I was honest and said no, but I'd be willing. So he said okay and he had to go to work soon anyway. I think he wanted a little more enthusiasm on my part.

Well, one of my new rules is that I'm supposed to be available for sex at all times. I assumed this meant I had to be willing, even when I didn't want to. But as soon as I said I was willing, but not excited, he just gave in to me and said okay. So even though I didn't want to have sex, then my feelings were a little hurt because he didn't want to have sex with me. Even when I don't want to have sex, I want him to want me, you see? It's complicated, but then I'm a woman.

So I asked him if my feelings should be hurt, and when he realized I was willing and remembered he'd instructed me to be ready at all times, he went ahead and did it. He had to command me to open my legs a few times, and I wasn't warmed up so it was uncomfortable and it hurt. That excited me, since I like it when he enjoys me with little to no regard to my feelings or desires (maybe not all the time, but it's hot every once in a while!).

He pushed my legs over his head, and that hurt me so much I was crying out in pain, so he took pity on me and slammed me in regular missionary-style position. It hurt a bit, but not so much I couldn't take it, and I think he likes my breathing and cries when I'm in pain. I'm not sure if he knows which noises are "horny" and which ones are "pain," but I think he can normally tell and likes them both equally.

Once he was done, I took a quick shower with him and then he went to work. The sex may not have been mind-blowing orgasmic, but I've noticed that the more we have sex, the more open I am to the idea later, even if I'm not raring to go I'm at least willing. And it makes me just generally more open to his kisses and cuddles for the next several hours as well. I guess sex really is the glue that binds marriages together.

Today, I've been asked to drink some water (so I stay healthy and don't get a UTI from the sex) and also to put away my clothes. I'm not sure if he means my dirty clothes from my trip, or the clean clothes on top of the dresser, so I'll just do both.

It's a hot, muggy summer day here in Missouri, but life is good and I'm a happy sub. I'm finally being given rules, sex, structure, and commands. Life is good!

Sadism

I've been reading about sadism.

BDSM is one of those really cool areas of life where there is no "right" way to do it. It's like art: everyone can do it a different way, totally way out there, but everyone can still be right. Some BDSMers are into Christian Domestic Discipline, some are into paganism, some are into pain, emotional mindfucks, getting spanked or paddled, wearing slutty leather with heels, dressing up like a baby, pretending to be a puppy or horse, training a slave, having a servant, getting an orgasm, or being god of a little universe. Some people use the Gorean novels, some use the Bible, some use slave contracts, some use rules, and they all end in vastly different lifestyles and types of kink, but they are all kink.

One that's intriguing me now is the brand of kinkiness that we call "sadism."

Technically, a sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain. Maybe they like it for the power trip, or the emotional catharsis, or the adoration, or the sex. Who knows? I'd venture a guess that it's different for everyone.

Just because a sadist finds a masochist doesn't mean they'll live happily ever after. What is the sadist is only interested in making the masochist bleed, but the masochist wants to have her pussy whipped, his bottom spanked, or his mouth gagged? What if the masochist wants to be physically hurt and the sadist wants to mess with a mind and make the masochist cry and scream from emotional pain? There are many brands of sadism.

I discovered a new one of my husband's. He hurt me during sex, really physically hurt me, and he liked it.

Did I like it? Yes and no.

No because it hurt. It really, really hurt me, and not in a good, sexy/pain kind of way, but just in a bad, pain/pain kind of way. I had to grit my teeth and moan. It was not fun. But yes because I liked him having the power to hurt me and the dirty, nasty desire to do so. Yes because afterward I felt bruised, sort, but also enjoyed, weak, and needy. I curled up on his shoulder and went right to sleep.

Since then, sadism has been running through my mind.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Blood Play

Blood play is a particular fetish that relates blood to sexual arousal. While it is considered edge play because it obviously carries the risk of diseases, with a monogamous partner this should not be a problem.

Humans seem fascinated with bodily fluids. I've heard of fetishes for blood, urine, feces, cum--basically everything except vomit. (Who knows? There may be a fetish for that, too!) Using cum or urine during BDSM scenes is the most common, but while wandering the online halls of the BDSM mansion you'll find some references to blood play.

Blood play is a fairly obvious fetish that doesn't need a lot of explaining. People get kicks out of incorporating blood into their scenes. Sometimes this has to do with the pain involved, so "pain sluts" (subs who enjoy pain) and their Tops will enjoy this. It isn't about the blood, but causing pain and leaving a mark. This can be as simple as a needle prick or a small cut. Making the victim bleed shows the Tops power and the sub's helplessness.

Blood play can get more intricate, of course. Some people get turned on by making love to a woman while she is on her period. Others taste or drink the blood of their victim, almost like playing at being vampires.

When I looked online for more info, most of the blood fetish sites had more to do with vampirism than with BDSM, but you can find some BDSMers into it as well.

If the idea of using a knife on your sub until there is a thin trickle of blood running down his back turns you on, you might be interested in blood play. If you think it would be sexy to frighten your slave with a needle and then lick the drop of blood, or if it turns you on to think about having sex with your wife when she's on her period, this fetish might be for you!

For more info, see:

• Wiki on blood fetishism
• Vampirism

In other news, I have a 10% off from Babeland's online toy store than I am offering to any reader who leaves a comment and gives me the most convincing reason why you need/deserve/want ten percent off from a sex toy store! You can buy sex toys, vibes, dildos, condoms, lube, handcuffs, paddles, and other bondage gear at Babeland, so whatever you're interested in, they'll probably have it! Tell me what you're lusting after and why you want the 10% off. The most convincing person (or, if only one person participates, that lucky poster!) will receive a code for 10% any Babeland online merchandise. I'll announce the winner in one week (August 18, 2009). Obviously, if you participate, you need to let me know how I can reach you to give you the code. If you don't want your contact info posted, feel free to send me a private email.

Also, I am super excited because I've just received clover nipple clamps! I can't wait to try them out! :) Look back here for a review later this week!

Rope Bondage Play Last Night

My Dom and I haven't done BDSM in a while. Life gets in the way---work, school (for him), family here for my birthday, getting rid of the cats' fleas. Yes, it always sort of shocks me when the super-sex-blog writers have lives apart from being in scene 24/7, but they do, and so do I.

Last night I was craving some BDSM. I wanted to feel afraid, I wanted to feel excited, I wanted to scream. Strangely, I also wanted to make him scream (he said no).

I'm a talkative bottom, so long as I'm not in sub space (which is rare for me), and last night was no different. I complained and guided him through it: "Nooo, I don't want to be slapped! Kiss me!" We've decided to cut the sex out of BDSM for a while, which I think is good, because BDSM was becoming predictable: rough me up, make me wet, vibrator. Rough me up, make me wet, vibrator. You get the pattern.

I thought it would be a good idea if we took sex out of it, and he agreed. This way we could experiment with more physical sensations--hitting, teasing, slapping.

First, he did one of his favorite things, nipple clamps. He also did one of my favorite things, being tied up. I'm not sure why, but being bound just adds a heightened sense of awesomeness to a scene for me. The more places I'm bound, the better I like it. I think I feel that control has been taken away from me, so I don't even need to try to fight it like the independent, stubborn woman I am. I like the relaxation of lying on the bed, completely immobile, and waiting to see what my Dom will do to me next.

The nipple clamps he bought for me are awesome--they don't cause too much pain, they come in many pretty colors (yay!), and they are hard plastic so they don't permanently damange my skin. I was gasping and twisting and moaning, torn between turned on and incredibly hurt. I asked him to put one on my clit, which felt amazing. It's strange, because on the rest of my vulva, clamps hurt!!!, but right on my clit they just feel good. Yum.

Once we were done, my energy was high and my adrenaline was pumping. I begged him to let me spank him. I wanted one of us to scream, and I'm not a screamer. But my Dom has no desire really to switch, so he said no. :( Well, I wanted one of us to scream, so I asked him to take me into our guest bedroom (that bed has a headboard) and tie me up and make me scream.

I settled comfortably on the bed and asked for my gag. I love my ball gag---like bondage, it makes me feel so much more helpless and into a scene. Without it, I still have the power of speech: I can talk, control, command, beg, whine, and basically attempt to control the scene. But once the gag is in, my power of speech is lost. I feel (and therefore look) much more helpless. I can bite down on the ball, which helps me deal with more pain, and I can only whimper and scream to communicate. In addition, the ball gag forces my mouth open, so when I'm facedown I get salivia all over the bed---it's terribly humiliating and hot.

Then my Dom tied me up. He was just playing with the rope, but I was super happy because this was the first time we'd done any real rope bondage beyond hands and ankles! Before I knew it, my whole body was covered with rope. Each wrist was tied to an ankle, rope was going up my neck and over my shoulders, around my stomach, into a V down my vulva and snugly rubbing my bottom. I was held fast in a fetal position with my gag on, and we were ready for play.

I'd never been tied up like that before, but I loved it. Sure, it was uncomfortable at times, and required patience as my Dom tied me up, but it was so nice. It makes me think I might enjoy Shibari, a decorative type of Japanese art bondage often used in BDSM. In that position, I was helpless to move or squirm away as he hit me; I could do nothing as he roughly picked me up and put me in whatever position he wanted me; and my Dom could grab one of the ropes and force me into a certain position for better aim at a certain body part.

He started out with some light slaps with our slapper. I am pretty afraid of the slapper because hard slaps hurt a TON, but I enjoy light and medium slaps. They increase my skin's sensitivity to touch and keep me totally focused on what's happening to me. After a while, he started hitting me harder and I started whimpering, then shrieking, through the gag. Then he put the slapper down and brought out a leather belt. One of the great things my Dom does during scenes is using lack of light and my glasses to make sure I can never see what's coming next til it's right in front of my face. This element of surprise makes it much more deliciously frightening for me! My eyes got huge and he laughed down at me, saying, "Do you have any idea how pitiful you look?" He used the belt some to scare me, but it never really hurt too much.

My Dom roughly wrestled me into several positions. I loved the helplessness! (Of course, I say this now, but at the time I was just scared.) He put me on my stomach and thrust into my raised buttocks through his boxers, talking dirty to me as he did. It was an incredible turn on! A few times he even rolled my bound body right to the edge of the bed. I screamed in so much terror that at one point he stopped the scene because he thought he'd pulled a rope too hard and hurt me. When he asked if he'd hurt me, I simply shook my head and pointed in terror to the edge of the bed. It was so scary to be bound like that in the fetal position, knowing if he let me fall I'd be completely helpless to protect myself as I fell! Several times he pulled me past the point where gravity should have taken over, letting nothing keep me from falling but his body holding me up. It scared me to death!

Once we were done with that, my right ankle was starting to really hurt from the ropes and being pulled on so much, but I was loving the scene. I love the challenge of wondering if he'll be able to make me scream.

He put me on my stomach, bottom up, took off the ball gag, and started to use the wooden paddle. But he went too fast and too high up (near the tailbone hurts much more than near the thighs!) and I couldn't take it. I think if he'd gone slowly and steadily, letting the pain build up, I could have screamed, but this was too fast. Plus, my gag was out and I could talk again; for some reason, this lowers my tolerance since I start to concentrate on talking myself out of the beating rather than just on enduring it. I started shrieking for him to stop and I safeworded. We were done!

Of course, by then my right ankle was bruised and killing me. I'm not sure if it was too tight or just got yanked around too much, but he quickly untied me while I laid still and whimpered for him to be careful of my ankle. When we were done, he kissed my ankle and we had a shower.

After a scene like that, I always love the rope burns that stay on my wrists and ankles for a while after the scene. I feel so sexy, looking down at them and feeling a little bit owned. I also loved being tied up so much, and am really looking forward to future bondage sessions that go beyond just wrists and ankles--though perhaps with padded cuffs on my ankles might be a good idea next time! I'm hoping we can try a similar scene again soon (tonight???? hmmm....) so we can see if slow, steady spanks can get me to my limit and make me scream. Yummm....

I'm working on a series of blogs about leadership for tops in BDSM, so please be patient as I continue working on those posts! Once I've finished the series, I'll post them all at once, so check back soon! Til then, adieu!

Daddy Spanked Me!

I got home from work today, and "the urge" struck me as I was changing out of my bright orange dress jacket into a t-shirt.

"Hey, umm, you want to, umm...?" I asked.

There was a moment's silence, and then a very happy Dom threw me over his shoulders and headed over to the bed.

We made out for a few minutes. He pressed his hard denim-covered cock into my tummy where it feels sooo good. We took off our clothes and he knelt over me, fingers deep inside me working my G-spot, while I laid on my back and jacked his dick. Never a huge fan of the semi-erect penis, I was gratified to feel him fully hard and smooth in my hand. We both had a few moments of panting, moaning, and wetness. Yumm.

Then I rolled over and stopped. He wanted to keep going, but I said no. "You have class in 5 minutes," I pointed out. He persisted. I shook my head and said no. I rolled over and smirked to myself, thinking I'd won (again). Women always have the power in a sexual relationship. At least in mine they do.

And then he spanked me!

I didn't want to be spanked, so I whined and tried to roll away. He got the paddle, straddled my legs so I couldn't roll or squirm, and paddled me. He told me I'd wasted 10 minutes of his "sex" time, so I'd get one swat per minute. The ten swats hurt. They were slow with long pauses in between, which made it way worse. I had time to lie there and let the pain soak through me in a terrible way between each spank.

At the end, I curled up and pouted. "Not fair!" I whined. Daddy hugged me and held me tight. "It's fair," he assured me. I wasn't sure what to do--get angry? yell at him? whine? sulk? take back the power? ...I wasn't sure, so I just cuddled him happily.

Because he'd spanked me.

Genitorture

Genitorture.

May not sound fun, right? Yet the fetish of genital torture is often used in scenes. Whether you want to incorporate it into an interrogation scene, be the "Mean Domme" for once, or just hear your slave scream, some genitorture may be right for you.

Generally, just the phrase "genital torture" is going to get your sub's blood pumping and fear spiking. Genital torture is so popular because it inflicts pain on one of our most intimate, vulnerable places. The psychological aspect is also huge, since you are attacking a place of vulnerability and sexuality.

My advice is to start slowly. You don't want to cause too much pain to your sub, or bring on the pain too quickly. The best idea is to mix pain and pleasure. Of course, play with a safeword.

If your sub is a woman, consider a pussy whip or other light, stingy instrument. You don't want to use anything hard or thuddy on tender breasts or vulvas. A speculum is a great idea, since you can insert this into the vagina or anus and then widen the hole slowly. This is great both for visual humiliation and to keep the orfice held open while you torture it.

As for actual torture, consider using many clamps and clips of various sizes and materials. Plastic, wood, and metal clamps are all available... my Dom simply uses brightly-colored plastic clothes pins. Sometimes he pretends to close them and laughs at my reaction, other times he clamps them and watches me arch and moan, other times he clamps them and then squeezes them tighter with his fingers (ouch!), and sometimes he just leaves them on while I endure the pain. I've found on my nipples, these clamps are highly painful and make my breasts sore for days afterward, but they also heighten sensations of pleasure. On my clit, the clips don't hurt at all, but give a wonderful pressure that has been known to make me ejaculate with no other stimulation! My Dom will flick the clit clamp back and forth to enhance the sensation. And as an added bonus, our cats love them and use them as toys!

For more advance pussy torture, try light slapping and pussy whipping. Insert dildos and vibrators that are just a little bit too big. If you have a clit suction cup, use it on the labia and clitoris. Some people even use needles to pin the lips open or temporarily pierce the labia. Others clamp forceps on the inner lips and tie the forceps to a table, effectively splaying the inner lips.

Of course, as the Dom, you don't want to only provide your hapless sub with physical stimulation! As you torture her, talk to her. Describe what you are doing or going to do, chuckle sadistically to yourself, and exclaim over what you see and the pain you are inflicting. "I'm going to spread you with this speculum, my sweet.... ahhh, that hurts doesn't it??? Just a little more.... there, there, don't cry.... you look so deliciously HOT with your pussy spread open! And now I am going to stick this big, bad dildo in you til you cry for me to stop" is going to make your sub a lot hotter than if you cause all this pain in silence.

What if your sub is a boy? This type of genital torture is called Cock and Ball Torture, or CBT for short. There are lots of toys you can buy to help with CBT, such as cock restraints or weights you hang from the testicles. But you can still have lots of fun at home with no fancy store-bought toys.

Just like with women, you don't want to use heavy canes or paddles for CBT. Stick to a light slapper or single-tailed whip. This will cause lots of pain but no actual damage. Some brave souls even use catheters and insert all sorts of terrible things into a male sub's urethra (ouch!). Others paddle, punch, or strike the testicles. Some men enjoy ball-busting, which basically means you kick, punch, and stomp on his testicles. I don't understand it myself, but I've read accounts from men who said a Domme had them knocked on the ground in the fetal position, kicking and stomping on their balls with high-heeled shoes, and that they loved it!

If you want to keep it a little lighter, you can squeeze, knead, push, pull, massage, and slap the genital area. The mixture of pleasure and pain is sure to drive him crazy! You can also tie his balls up and pull on the string, or simply hang something heavy from them and gradually add to the weight.

When playing with genital torture, be safe! Play with safewords, discuss your activities beforehand, and have fun.

Pain vs. Control: Why Do People Sub?

Why is it that men and women who are educated, smart, efficient businessmen, professionals, teachers, doctors, educators, and students in their everyday lives are willing to go home and be bossed around, hit, controlled, beaten, and used? For many "vanilla" people, this is difficult to understand.

While I can't attempt to describe why each individual chooses to become a sub, I believe it boils down to two main reasons: pain and control. If you feel yourself drawn to a submissive lifestyle, you are probably drawn to at least one of these reasons (and maybe both).

Let's start with pain, since it is the most well-known in the vanilla world. After all, subs who like to be whipped and beaten by their lovers are much more likely to get vanilla attention than one who just likes to be ordered around!

Some people are addicted to pain. In the BDSM world, they are often called "pain sluts." A masochist is the technical term. These people may enjoy playing the bottom in a BDSM scene because they enjoy the catharsis of pain. It triggers endorphins and a "high" floods the body. Pain and pleasure are so closely interconnected that they can easily be confused, and pain can heighten pleasure and vice-versa. Pain sluts may also enjoy control in BDSM play, but they don't have to; they are there for the thrill of the pain. You can tell these people because in a sex store, they are the ones looking longingly at the whips, needles, canes, paddles, and floggers.

Some subs, however, are completely against any physical pain but love to be controlled. Physically or emotionally, they want to be overpowered by a strong Dom or Mistress. They crave letting go and letting someone else take the wheel. These people are often into what we call humiliation play, rape play, child play, animal play, or dirty talk. You can spot these people at BDSM events because, while the pain sluts are already tied to a St. Andrew's cross and screaming happily as a top beats them, the "control" subs are probably holding their Mommy's hand, sitting obediently next to their Trainer with a collar and leash, or quietly serving their Domme another beverage.

Let's think of BDSM as a spectrum. On the far side are activities to do with pain. These include flogging, cutting, whipping, needle play, hot wax, pinching, biting, genital torture, hitting, punching, ball-stomping (yes, it's what it sounds like), and other things that require pain but not necessarily control. On the far other side of the spectrum are BDSM scenes that require lots of verbal, emotional, and physical control but no pain: these can include Parent/child scenes, dirty talk, humiliation, bondage, or being caged. And then of course there are the activities that fall somewhere wonderfully in between the two, such as rape scenes, animal play, branding, and spanking.

It goes without saying that to heighten an experience for a sub, you want to know what turns this particular sub on. Say you want to do a rape scene. If your sub simply adores control but isn't so much into pain, your scene will probably include lots of dirty talk, physically controlling her body, humiliating her, or tying her up. If your sub leans more to the pain side of things, you may focus more on fucking her hard, hitting and punching her, whipping her, and being sure to leave lots of lovely bruises.

Most scenes in BDSM can incorporate both elements; this is fortunate since many subs enjoy both elements. For example, I don't like pain for pain's sake, but I do enjoy being hurt if it makes me feel more controlled. It all depends on how my Dom approaches the pain.

If you are a sub wondering which side of the spectrum you fall on, or a Dom who is unsure what your sub likes, take a look at the following list and see which numbers seem hottest or most appealing to you:

1. Your Dom ties you up, then fucks you hard, pinching your nipples and spanking your ass.
2. Your Dom ties you up, then slowly inserts a vibrator and makes fun of you as you try not to come.
3. Your Dom has you lay down on the bed, then paddles you as hard as he can. In between spanks, he pulls your hair and slaps your thighs.
4. Your Dom has you lay down on the bed and tells you sternly you've been a bad girl. As a punishment, he paddles you hard and forces you to say "Thank you, sir," after each one until he thinks you've learned your lesson.
5. Chili sauce is wiped on your anus and genitals and your Dom enjoys watching you squirm and scream.
6. You are chained like a puppy and humiliated, forced to pee on the carpet, and eat mushy food from a dog bowl while your Dom watches.
7. Your Dom figs you before spanking.
8. Your Dom plays Daddy and watches you carefully color a painting, insisiting you get the paint perfectly between the lines before he lets you play or receive an orgasm.

If you think the odd numbers sounded hotter, you are probably more of a pain slut. If the even numbers made you most wet or hard, you enjoy mental and emotional control.

Of course, control can be used to inflict pain, and pain can be used to exercise control. Many of these activities can be tailored to exactly fit a sub's desires (or to exactly be the opposite, if your bad little horsie needs to be punished!). The better you know yourself and your partner, the more fun you will have. Go forth and torture. Enjoy!

Experimenting with Clothespins

In our efforts to research painful things, I am testing clothespins today. I know many involved in the BDSM world use them as a way to inflict pain on their subs and slaves. I am inflicting pain on myself to be a good Dom. I want to figure out just how long and often this method should be used. It is a great idea for all Doms to test how painful something is before administering punishment. Just like the old saying goes, "Don't dish it, if you can't take it." I'll be placing clothespins on at a time in different places all over my body. I'll measure the pain on a scale of one to ten. One to three will be noticeable, four to six manageable, seven to nine difficult, and ten is unbearable. I will be working my way from the top down and leaving the pin on for at least one minute.

The first area tested was the ear. The top of the ear registered at an eight! I didn't realize how tough that minute would be. It never deadened or dulled either. I experienced the same amount of pain the whole time. The earlobe was a much easier sensation to bear. It started out at a one and gradually elevated to a two. It wasn't hard at all.

The next place I tested was the septum of my nose. It started out as a five and rose to a seven. This test caused my eyes to water uncontrollably. It made breathing difficult as well. Don't try this if you have a history of breathing trouble or tonsillitis.

I tried both armpits and they were a total letdown. The pain hovered around a two. I don't recommend trying this spot until you are want a gentle response from your sub. This would be well used directly after some sensory deprivation as a soft reminder of pain.

The next stop on the list was my nipples. This was an interesting feeling and the only one like it so far. The pain was actually at a seven when I started and messed with my mind, because all the other tests got more painful as time went on. My pain level actually dipped down to a five once the initial shock wore off. As I Dom, I would suggest leaving the pins on your sub's nipples for only a short time and repeating the punishment over and over. This way they don't realize the "light" at the end of the tunnel.

The belly button doesn't hurt at all.

I tried it on my penis and testicles, too. There were two different trials, one with the penis flaccid and the other was full erect. I tried it on two different places the head and shaft. While flaccid the pain on the head is about a three and on the shaft it is a one. It's a different situation when the penis is erect though! The when on the head the pain is a five and increases to a seven when less skin is taken in the pinch. The shaft is a two. Don't waste your time on the scrotum. In my case it didn't feel painful at all.

I also discovered the pain of a clothespin on the webbing of hands or feet stays at about a two.

So there you have it. The most sensitive areas to pain with clothespins are the tops of the ears, nipples, and the head of an erect penis. I encourage you to try experiments like this at home. This is a relatively harmless one, too. Now it is up to you come up with combinations, which will torture your beautiful little sub and show them how much you care.

Avenues of Pain

As the Dom it is my responsibility to come up with new ways to inflict pain to cause pleasure. This can be a difficult task, but I promise through communication and practice a good solution will be found. The Dom/sub relationship is one I believe to be unique for every couple. One couple may be into something more corporal and the other may enjoy something more emotional. My goal today is to give food for thought and encouragement. Try something new!

Emotional

This is the type of pain I feel many neglect, but is very rewarding. I know this is my sub's favorite. Emotional pain not only turns the sub on, but also they know they're 100% safe. Refer our lessons in dirty talk to better understand how this is implemented. When I cause emotional pain through what I say I am turned on, too. It makes me feel powerful and creative. If your partner is into this, the feedback you receive will blow your mind!

Striking

This is a very common form of pain and even the most reserved couples will enjoy a good spanking during sex. I can attest that this is my favorite. I feel physically dominant because of the posture during sex. I also feel physically powerful after giving my sub a good slap. The look she gives me after is amazing! I feel an adrenaline rush, excitment, and turned on all at the same time. I stick with open-handed strikes. I like the popping sound and it doesn't hurt or bruise. Slapping doesn't have to be only for the face. Try slapping your sub's thighs, feet, and chest (be careful of the breasts if your sub is female). Some will enjoy a closed-fisted punch. Go for it, but be careful. A friend of mine told me the most turned on he ever was was when his partner gave him a right cross during sex. To each their own!

Cutting

Cutting is another way to cause pain to your sub. I have never done this, but I know this play is out there. Sterile surgical tools can be used to cut your sub, or needles for needle play. Pain is caused and your sub is marked at the same time. It kills two birds with one stone. It is very, very dangerous due to the risk of extreme blood loss and infection. If you choose this avenue be careful. Have a charged cell phone with service to call 9-1-1 and bandages handy. Uses your safewords/safeactions at the first sign of trouble!

Burning

This method can be achieved in two different methods; permanent and non-permanent. The permanent form would be those interested in branding their sub. This is another way to mark the sub as your own. Much like cutting, be sure your tools are sterile! The risk here is infection. It only takes a nasty one to be fatal. The non-permanent version is using hot wax or wet a towel and put it in the microwave. There are many options here. The point is to have fun and stay safe.

Electro Play

This involves shocking your sub into delight. Remember that anytime you play with electricity can be very dangerous. It can cause burns, sears, and cardiac arrest. Many people enjoy this play in spite of the risks. Some of the more popular tools are the violet wand, cattle prods, and stun guns. I can understand why the subs like this so much. I have been shocked before either by an electric fence or outlets. I know being shocked hurts and renders the victim helpless. If one was turned on my a violent loss of control this would be the way.

There is a quick overview of the types of pain that may be inflicted on your sub. Remember to talk to your partner before trying something new. Make sure they are willing and you do your homework to understand the risks. The rewards may be beyond what you expect!

Identity Crisis Solved: All those darn BDSM terms!

When entering the BDSM scene, it is easy to feel confused and lost. BDSM makes you really think about your wants, desires, and how you want them fulfilled. There are a host of terms used by BDSMers, and they aren't interchangable! People may wonder, "Am I a top? Switch? Sadist? Master? Daddy? How do I know?!?!?" A full-blown BDSM identity crisis may ensue. Fear not, we have the answers! :)

First off, BDSM is an acronym for many things: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Slave and Master, and Sadism and Masochism. It is possible to be interested in one or many of these roles!

A sadist is, very simply, one who enjoys inflicting pain. What keeps a BDSM sadist from being a common criminal sociopath is that BDSM sadists only enjoy it if their partners are willing. A masochist is just the opposite: someone who enjoys receiving pain for sexual pleasure. Of course, for both these people, context is important: it is sexy to spank your partner during role play, but it's not sexy to jam your finger in the door accidentally. A sadist and masochist won't enjoy this type of pain.

The people who enjoy both receiving and causing pain, depending on the circumstance, are called sadomasochists.

A top is related. This person is the person delivering the blows or "on top" during a scene. A bottom is the person taking the blows or "on bottom." While usually a sadist will enjoy being on top more and a masochist on bottom, anyway can fill any role. For example, a husband who isn't really interested in whipping his wife can still do it to please her. In this case, he are a top but not a sadist. Also, the terms top/bottom have nothing to do with a relationship or who has the control; you could be perfect strangers.

Once you begin to be in some sort of relationship, you get the terms submissive/dominant and slave/master.

A submissive is a person who finds sexual pleasure out of being dominated and put in a submissive position. Often, this person may be completely dominating in real life. It doesn't mean you are a wimp or a wuss if you like to be the sub! In fact, most people--both men and women--prefer to be the sub. And subs can vary on why and how they like to be dominated: some may like just being physically overpowered, while others may want to be psychologically dominated (through humiliation, namecalling, or roleplaying). Some people want both at the same time!

Each sub will vary by personality. Some people will submit to your power gladly and never fight you for it. Others will be wildcats, testing you, pushing your limits, and fighting back tooth and nail for control, to see if you can take it. Either way, it can be fun!

A dominate (Dom for males, Domme for females, or Dominatrix for females who do it professionally) is the opposite. This person enjoys being in control. For some it means physically holding you down, for others it means scaring you, for others it means asking nicely and then enjoying it as you serve them loyally. Each Dom has his/her own style and things they prefer. Also, a dom/sub relationship can be as permanent or temporary as you wish: you can agree to be a Dom for 20 minutes, or to have a D/s relationship only in the bedroom, or only on certain occasions, or a little bit in real life as well. It's up to you and your partner! The key is that both partners have to agree.

Once you go to 24/7 power exchange, it is called a Master/slave relationship. A Master is someone who is 100% in charge of the emotional, physical, mental, and sexual wellbeing of his slave. (A female is called a Mistress.) This is a Dom who does it full time! A slave is a sub who submits, not just in the bedroom, but every minute of every day. They are given rules to follow (in their dress, relationships, activities, and sexual lives) that must be obeyed explicitly. In return, they expect 100% love and care from their Master. Often these people find a real intimacy in serving and being served so consistently, and this is fine as long as the relationship does not become idolatrous.

Most of you out there are actually probably Switches. This means you switch with your partner, and can play both Sub and Dom, top and bottom, sadist and masochist. You are the most versatile of all BDSM players, because you can enjoy many roles!

There are also other terms of interest. A Daddy is someone who is a Master, but always in a protective, fatherly way. This person may like to engage in age play with a woman who derives sexual and psychological healing or pleasure from pretending to be a younger adult, teen, child, or baby. Of course, if you prefer to pretend to be an infant, you are called a Baby.

A Boi is a term used either for an effeminate man or a butch woman. So, if your wife sometimes acts tough and manly in the bedroom, you could call her your Boi. Likewise if you are a woman who likes to make your husband dress in women's clothing and pretend to be feminine.

On a personal note, I self-identify as a sub. But realistically, I am a submissive and bottom. On rare occasions I am also a bit of a masochist and a switch, but these are rare enough that I don't integrate them as part of my identity, but rather as sporadic aberrations from it. This is because I love to be dominated in the bedroom, physically but especially psychologically and emotionally (sub). I enjoy being on the receiving end of all our activities (bottom). I put up with pain because my Dom enjoys it, but it is only on occasion that I actually enjoy it for its own sake (biting, slapping), which makes me a tiny little bit of a masochist but not much. And on rare, rare occasions, I like to give my dom a taste of his own medicine by taking control and teasing him (switch). But mostly, I am a sub.

In contrast, my dom is a Dominate, sadist, and top. He is not a switch, definitely, and never really likes to be submissive. He is a true sadist, who gets off on seeing me squirm when he hurts me a little. He is also very dominating, getting off on power by controlling me physically and mentally (this is the point of "training"). So far, he has never been a Master or a Daddy to me, but there is always next time. :)

Hope this helps! Play safe and remember, research new moves before you try them out on someone else!

Training Your Sub (A Dominant's Perspective)

I would like to begin this post by stating it is meant to act as a general guide on how effectively train your sub. I'm speaking from experience not only from sex, but also in real-life situations. Through my work experience I have been extensively trained and involved in the training of many people. My goal is to give you a foundation and from there you should customize your experiences to your liking.

Let's consider why you are thinking about training your sub in the first place. You obviously like to be in charge or in control of things, hence you are the Dom. You are likely not training the sub to get off on issuing commands alone. No, you probably relish the fact someone is not only intimate with you, but also trusts you completely. It is with this in mind we want to train our subs.

Our goal in training is to present our subs with a stimulus and have them react in the way we prefer. Pavlov's dogs heard a tone and then were given food. Eventually the dogs would react with an increased saliva production when hearing the tone, even if food wasn't provided. All training is essentially the same. I'm not meaning that your sub is just like a dog, but we want the sub to react consistently to us. When I issue a command or suggestion I want it done.

Let's use a concrete example. If I say, "Spread your legs," I want it to happen. The command is the stimulus I give the sub. Now, provided you said this in a firm manner and your sub is a natural, they will do what you want. Suppose you weren't firm enough or the sub is having a bad day and decides not to follow your command. Now, we have to reinforce our command with a consequence. If the consequence is negative/positive enough the slave will do a cost-benefit analysis quickly and decide they want to do what you tell them in the future. Pavlov would call this a conditioned response. After enough times the sub will do what you tell them without thinking.

An example from my life was getting my sub to say "please" and "thank you" when she wanted something. When she wanted me to bite her neck I asked her, "What do you say?" When the answer didn't come quickly, I slapped her (she likes this). She then said, "Please." The stimulus was my question and the negative punishment was the slap. She was and is a very fast learner. It took her a total of two times before she started saying please and thank you after every request.

Slapping is only one of four different avenues for enforcing discipline. You can give something nice to your sub. This could be a compliment or reward in concrete form. You can take something positive away from the sub. Say they don't do something fast or enthusiastically enough. Okay, take something away from them. I've mentioned how I presented a negative in the form of slapping. You can also reward by taking a negative away, such as removing a torture device. For a good article on this click here.

Now that we understand how the mind works. You have to decide what you are going to do with this information. You can train someone to do your bidding 24/7 and live this lifestyle all the time (this is technically a Master/slave relationship). You could also train your sub to do things a certain way like, how you want them to posture during sex. You also have to decide how this dynamic will survive if you are in a switch relationship where you decide you want to share the power.

The goal is about learning to trust someone completely enough to let go and give them control. I've heard that this is a liberating feeling for those in the sub role. Even though there is pain (emotional or physical) involved, it is a good feeling--like being high. I know that there is a rush of excitement when my sub does what I tell her or something she knows I like. It is important to remember the more you train, the more it becomes second nature.

The three most important parts of training are getting to know your sub, communication, and repetition. When you get to know your sub well you will know which type of reinforcement you should use, whether it be negative or positive. You will know what their limitations are and how far they will go to please you. It is also important to communicate effectively at all times. You need a safeword in case they decide they can't handle that type of training or punishment. Your sub needs to know what is expected of them and what type of punishments to expect when they don't follow through. Finally, the more training exercises you have the more comfortable your sub will become in following you. You will develop your own routine and hopefully feel intimately connected with your sub. I wish you well and happy training.

Figging (How It Really Feels)

I am one dedicated blogger! I'm lying here now with a burning, aching bum. I'd been reading about figging, an activity my Dom and I had decided to try and write about on our blog. We decided to have me do it, partly--I believe--because he was chicken, but mostly because I am the logical choice as a female can experience figging anally, vaginally, and clitorally. So today I decided to go ahead and try it, even though my dom's not here now. Am I brave or what? :) Read below for my minute-by-minute commentary (and my rear still hurts!).

If the links don't work, you can reach both these blogs in the "Links We Like" box on the bottom right of the page and find them that way!
First off, here is a great article by Franklin Veux that explain what figging is and how to do it.
And here is an article by Garnet Joyce that gives a common-sense warning about why figging can be dangerous and why not to do it.

That said, I did it anyway, and here are the results:

Figging (Clitoral)
5:10 pm: Cut giner root. Listen to some music; Girls Just Want to Have Fun? No, I choose Sarah Brightman. Root is surprisingly easy to cut, like peeling an apple. And smells good! 5:14 pm: Place ginger on my clit and cross legs. Feels cold! Strange, cooling sensation down there because of cold water. Ack!
5:15 pm: still cold, but not tingling or burning yet. Patience…
5:17 pm: is it working? did I do it wrong? less cool now… almost feels normal.
5:19 pm: I need chapstick. But don’t want to move. L
5:21 pm: is that a slight, slight burning sensation on my lower left outer labia? Sigh.
5:21 pm: Yes, definitely working now. Tingling, light burning sensation on my left side and clit…. can’t decide if it hurts or is just annoying… but really it’s so light, it’s easy to ignore.
5:22 pm: Oops! Now the right side started, too!
5:23 pm: Burning is now growing steadily. At least it works! But I don’t see how it is sexy or pleasurable. It just burns. On a pain scale 1-10, it’s only like a 3, but there is nothing pleasurable about this.
5:24 pm: Ow. Ow ow ow. Oh wait, okay, now this is better. Burning just subsided into an all-over tingling/lighter burning that is less concentrated and intense, more of a slow, sharp tingling all over my clit and labia. Still not turned on, but this isn’t bad!
5:25 pm: See how dedicated I am to my blog readership?
5:26 pm: This isn’t horrible pain. Like a 4. I can see how this would be sexy if I’d done something bad and my Dom tied me up and did this to me, instead of just sitting here waiting. I would feel a little pain and fear more coming. And couldn’t take it off when I wanted.
5:28 pm: I take that back. It really doesn’t hurt enough to be a sexy punishment. And I’m not even that into pain.
5:29 pm: still sort of burns/itches. Annoying. But still at a 4, so nothing I can’t handle. Sigh. I’m rather disappointed. The burn doesn’t seem to be growing anymore, so I’m going to take it off, throw this piece away, and start with the next “experiment.”

Figging (Vaginal)
5:30 pm: Take another small piece of ginger root. Still smells good! I’m only going to use the smaller knife this time. My clit still burns a bit, by the way, even with the ginger in the trash.
5:31 pm: Begin carving. The ginger smells fantastic, by the way! How can I incorporate freshly-cut ginger scent into my home decorating? Hm…
5:33 pm: Done carving. It’s hard to keep it smooth, and when you pull rather than cut the peel off, it gets stringy. Kind of awkward. My clit still sort of burns. *mad face*
5:35 pm: have now inserted ginger. Now it’s awkward to sit cross-legged to type.
5:37 pm: a much more immediate reaction! I could feel something the moment I put the ginger in. Now it is burning a bit. It also hurts, but I think this is due to my clamping my vaginal muscles around it to try to hold it in more so than the size or shape of it. I’ll try to relax…
5:38 pm: Again, nothing too painful, just an annoying, tingling burn inside and a soreness on the lips as they try to hold the ginger in (I’m sure this could be fixed by making it longer. But I’m sure this would be sexy to have a Dom tie me up bent over something, carve this in front of me, insert it in, and leave me, returning later once it burns a bit to spank or paddle me. Especially a big piece. *evil grin*
5:40 pm: The burn is nothing to the pain around my inner lips… it just aches and feels uncomfortable! Not fun! On the 1-10 pain scale, the ginger burn is about a 1 or a 2 and the ache is about a 4 (5 when I tighten up!)
5:42 pm: I can’t take it anymore. The burn is nothing, but this ache is not worth it. I must have shaped it funny, or not made it long enough so the end of the ginger is hurting the vaginal opening. Make it longer next time so the two don’t come in contact!

Figging (Anal)
5:43 pm: This is what figging was originally intended for, but it’s the one I’m least enthused about trying. Ick. Oh well, it’s research! My insides still ache ache ache, by the way!!! The burn is completely gone, but it did not sit well inside my body! But the burn was nothing, much less even than compared with my clit. I wonder if it’s because of my body’s natural lubricants? I’ve read lube decreases the effects, and I do self-lubricate a lot…
5:51 pm: I have inserted the root, slowly and carefully. I took much more care with this one to make it smooth and round… imagine the possibilities if I didn’t *shudder*. I do have to be careful to relax consciously, as it is thin and could break easily, and I feel my intestinal muscles could probably break it easily on accident. That would be…awkward.
5:52 pm: Once again, a much more immediate sensation! I can feel it right away, it’s neither painful nor pleasurable, just cool (from the water) and a light, almost featherlike tingle.
5:53 pm: a side note as I wait: Doms, if you want to try this, make sure you make your partner squeeze, both during and after. It makes it hurt slightly more, and since I’m getting barely any pain out of this supposedly-very-painful activity, it might be necessary. I wonder if it’sbecause my root was a few days old? It shouldn’t matter til you peel it, but maybe not-fresh root loses its potency.
5:54 pm: Yep, definitely burning now! Ow! Just a 3.5 on my pain scale, so if my Dom did this to me I would still be grinning smugly because I’m stubborn, but for just sitting around my room alone, it definitely hurts a bit!
5:55 pm: Still holding steady with a steady, even burn right about a level 4. Meaning I can feel it, it’s uncomfortable, but not too bad. Nothing to make me scream or fight. Might be worse if I were being spanked, but honestly, I think a good hard slapping session or paddling would be much, much better punishment.
5:56 pm: It’s just elevated to a definite 5 or 5 and a half. I’m a little excited, as this experiment has been mostly a bust!
5:57 pm: Okay, we’re to a 5 or 6. It burns, and it hurts! But if I were being punished, nothing. You’d still get no peep out of me. The point of hurting someone is to break them: make them moan, scream, cry, and beg you to stop even when they don’t want to. It hurts! But I could definitely take it with no noise. Definite 6 now!
5:59 pm: It just occurred to me that it may not be getting higher than a “6” pain level because I’m not clenching. I tried once, lightly, and I think my behind burst into flames. It would definitely be much, much worse if I seriously clenched down. So if you can do something to make your partner clench (like paddling them), that’s an idea, but I think it might be dangerous because butt muscles are strong and ginger is very weak. It would be terrible to break it inside you on accident and not be able to get it out… what an awkward trip to the doctor that would be! That said, it is probably not wise to ever put something in your bum that isn’t made to go there (like a dildo) so, be careful! A dildo covered in Bengay will do the trick for the pain and be much safer!
6:01 pm: Okay, I’m in some serious pain now, but still about a 6 and still nothing that forces me to make a peep. I’m considered this experiment done, for what it’s worth, and taking the ginger out. And then washing my hands.

That said, my recommendation would be that, if you want to try figging, stick to clitoral and vaginal stimulation (places where it can't get stuck more than 4 inches up your body). If you are interested in other anal play or pain, use a dildo or vibrator made for such purposes and cover it with Bengay for an evil burn. Figging was interesting once, but not all it's cracked up to be.

Signing off at 6:15 pm, with a still-burning bum.

Additional note: I had rectal bleeding the next day, and used a very small and painless piece. Online research suggests ginger and other irritants can cause this on sensitive skin. Stick to sex toys; don't try this!