12/19/2011

Becoming a weaker woman

"Are you making me into a weak woman?" I asked.

My Dom seemed confused. "Why would you think that?"

Why would I think that? Because now it seems like I've become used to relying on him to make every decision I don't feel like making. I can't decide between the chicken and the fish. Which one do I want, babe? I'm not sure if I'd like fries to go with that for only a dollar. Do I want fries, babe?

If I want something, I say so. And he doesn't care. But if I'm hesitating, I turn to him. Even on the smallest things.

I've noticed an alarming pattern to my answers when my parents ask me questions. "Getting a new car? I don't know if we've started looking. Ask him." Or, "Utilities high this month? I have no idea. Ask him." Or, "Are the bills paid on time? I don't know. He always takes care of that."

Last night, I noticed the pattern. I noticed this when the voice from the drive-through speakers asked me if we wanted an extra McRib for only a dollar.

McRib? I've never had one. I've heard of them; they're rather famous. They're supposed to be delicious, but I think they sound kind of gross, frankly. But should I try one because they're supposed to be so good? And is a dollar a really good deal? How much do they cost usually, anyway? Is this a real bargain that I shouldn't be passing up?

I turned to my husband, feeling slightly panicked. "Do we want the McRib?"

He didn't seem troubled by any of the decision-making angst I was.

"No thank you," he told the speaker confidently. I could only marvel at his decision-making ability.

But then I started to wonder. I looked at the last few months and yes, I've finally started leaning on him more and insisting on my way less. (Usually.) But then I started to notice that lately, I deon't make any hard decisions anymore.

"Are you making me weak?" I asked him worriedly. "Is this bad?"

"I don't think you're weak," he said. "I like making decisions. It stresses you out."

"But shouldn't I be helping you make these big decisions?" I insisted. "Like buying a new car and bills and stuff?"

"Do you want to?"

"Well," I said defensively. "I can. I am certainly capable of helping make them."

"Right," he said, unimpressed. "But do you want to?"

Well... no. Not really. But if he keeps making all the decisions for us, what if I lose my decision-making muscle? What if my decision maker gets really flabby and out of shape? What if he dies, and I'm left to care for myself and our children? Shouldn't I be in practice, knowing how to pay bills and purchase items and manage a household and make decisions? Isn't he putting our family at risk by allowing me to be the weak woman who relies on the stereotypical "strong man" for everything?

I voiced as much.

"I'm a smart, educated woman! You're not using my talents for anything."

"I do use your talents," he protested. "You're good at encouraging me, at reminding me to do things."

"That's not using my intelligence or experience," I said stubbornly.

"It's not," he agreed. "I know you're smart and capable. But I make the decisions because it doesn't bother me to. I know it stresses you out. You can make them, but it's easier for you not to."

Wow. I wasn't sure if I were grateful to him for stepping up and being a man, or worried that he was making me one of those swooning, can't-do-anything-without-a-man, wussy women that I hate.

I guess a little of both. But it seems to work for us, at least for now.

If it ain't broke...

6 comments:

SBF said...

That sounds like a perfect relationship, you are extremely lucky.
smiles
butterfly

SublimeWifey said...

I know this story! I'm living this story! Remember when I used to pay bills and make decisions and know what I wanted without consulting anyone? But then hubby reminds me that when it comes to providing for our child, arranging appointments and playdates, managing her schools work, juggling her schedule, caring for her when she's ill, and keeping track of her milestones I don't even blink when a decision must be made. He has freed up my time and mental resources from the drudgery of our lives so I can make all the decisions regarding the most important person in our lives. I don't feel weak, I feel empowered. I am mother, hear me roar!!

I must admit that I am a bit freaked out by the fact that I know nothing else about how our lives are managed, but thankfully hubby's thought of that as well and I know where all the paperwork is kept and I know if I had to I could start managing that side of our world as well. I just don't want to.

Like you say, why fix what ain't broke yet.

Sexperts said...

Thank you both for your encouragement.

Sublime, yes, I see you are right. I am in charge of her dr appointments, keeping track of her milestones, etc. He helps with her a lot, but I am the general making all the decisions when it comes to her, and he is the soldier doing my bidding! Thank you for point this out to me; I feel better!

t1klish said...

I can honestly say that if my ex had been in charge of the bank accounts and bills and such the last several years of our marriage I would be dead right now, because when the marriage ended I wouldn't have had a penny to my name, nowhere to go, tens of thousands dollars of community debt he would have run up, and he would have sent ALL of my life savings to an internet scam instead of only half of it. I see no way that being clueless about the important stuff could possibly be a good idea.

Sexperts said...

@t1cklish, I agree. I wouldn't say I'm "clueless." We talk about things. He tells me how much his visa was. I am in charge of paying my own credit card and paying our tithe. I have access to all the accounts, but when it comes to paying the majority of the bills, he does it for us. I have access to all the finances, though.

MrJ said...

If I may say so, from such distance, I feel that being a strong person and submitting presuppose and may reinforce each other, and would be careful not to trigger any reversal of that cycle.