Christians Can't Have Kinky Sex?

Okay, I live in the Bible belt. But I'm still sometimes shocked and a little alarmed by the ignorance of my fellow Christians about their sexuality.

If it's not totally clear by reading my blog, I'm a Christian who engages in kinky, BDSM-style sex with my husband. I believe some BDSM activities can be a sin, but I think most of them are okay within a monogamous marriage. I was raised a Catholic in the Bible belt, so I learned just because a few evangelicals say something doesn't mean the Bible does. I was also lucky enough to be in a home that encouraged open and honest discussions of our sexuality, promoted healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationships within marriage, and was very open to any aspect of my sexuality that I wanted to explore once I was married to a good Christian man. My parents encouraged me to wait for sex til marriage, but they made it clear they'd rather me be honest and practice safe sex if I decided not to wait.

So sometimes, I'm just a bit flabbergasted by my Christian friends and acquaintances.

Case in point:

I was at play practice with one of my friends. Our theatre has hired three ballerinas from a local ballet company, and one of them was practicing her routine. Her flexibility, grace, and musicality were beautiful and astounding. She was so graceful and light on her feet! I was awed by the beauty of her dancing, her flexibility, and her control.

She executed a move where she pulled her leg straight up over her head while lying on her back, very similar to this one: but lying down. I whispered to my friend, "Wow... she is just so... amazing!" After a moment's pause, I added, "And her husband is so lucky!"

My 20-year-old Christian friend looked at me in shock and said, "Yes, but they're Christian, so I don't think they do anything kinky like that."

I had to sit and process this for a moment, just in case I'd heard wrong. I mean, it's "kinky" to have sex with your leg above your head?!? I wouldn't call that kinky or even a really experimental position. It's just a standard deviation from the missionary position for people with a little extra flexibility or who want some deeper penetration.

So what I got from this statement, is that the anti-Christian media and sex educators aren't actually lying about how grossly misrepresented sex is among Christians. I didn't know there were young people in our country who actually thought it might be a sin to have sex with your husband with your leg up over your head, much less bondage or spanking or (gasp) Master/slave relationships. But here she was, sincere and confused and honestly asking me a question. I didn't have the heart to laugh at her, so I endeavored to answer her honestly and seriously.

I told her, as an older Christian she trusts, that I thought the Bible didn't have anything against kinky sex once you were married. I said as long as the kinky things you do are consenual, they're fine, although of course one partner should not force another into kinkiness. She wanted to know if the Bible said anything against oral sex in marriage (it doesn't) and what I thought about birth control.

Finally, I said tentatively, "You know, I've seen some websites where... Christian couples have kinky sex, even... using handcuffs or maybe spanking each other."

She looked pretty shocked, but she listened.

Once my Dom picked me up from practice, I was deep in thought about this conversation. She is a genuine Christian, a sweet girl, and a very smart woman. But because (I assume) no one in her family or church has ever talked to her about sex, she really had no idea what was and was not okay for married Christians. My view is that God created sex and He wants married partners to have an awesome sex life. This is echoed in Christian books such as The Act of Marriage, And the Bride Wore White, Sex and the Soul of a Woman, and Who Moved the Goal Post?

God doesn't put restrictions on sex because He hates sex or thinks it is dirty or wrong, no matter what some churches seem to think. The restrictions on sex (don't have sex with animals/children, don't commit adultery, don't have gay sex, don't lust after your brothers and sisters in Christ, don't engage in sexual activity before marriage) are there to protect us, just like a parent who warns their child not to play in the street is not doing so out of a malicious intent to deny their child the fun of playing in the street. In all of the cases where the Bible forbids a certain type of sex, God is trying to protect the individuals involved from STDs, heartache, sexual abuse, and dysfunctional sexuality, or He is trying to protect other people from becoming victims (children, animals, or the spouse being cheated on). Rules about sex are there to protect and elevate our sexuality above animalistic screwing to sacred bonding.

Sure, there are lots of (non-Christian) websites either criticizing or making fun of kinky or D/s Christian sites. "Who would Jesus spank?" or "Wear nipple clamps for Jesus!" are apparently really funny slogans to these people. They love to make fun of Christians for being anti-sex, misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal, and boring in their sex lives, but that's because they don't understand the sacredness within a solid Christ-based marriage.

Until our churches start allowing sex education, at least discussing with teenagers what a great, fulfilling sex life can be within marriage, children are going to keep misunderstanding Christianity's message about sex. If we ignore the issue, kids get the idea that sex is secretive, dirty, and shameful. No wonder non-Christians think we're so backwards about sex.

So yes, Virginia, Christians can have flexible, leg-bending sex. They can even use paddles or vibrators or nipple clamps. Sex doesn't have to be boring and it doesn't have to be in the missionary position. And no, my husband and I don't make love between a thick blanket with a hole cut out of it and a stopwatch.

Potty Play

Something my Dom and I have been talking a lot about lately is Potty Play.

This is, of course, my own term for it. You can find lots of sexual kinks that have to do with going to the bathroom (or the opposite--making someone hold it). There are lots of names for these kinks: golden showers, enemas, enema torture, scat, watersports, human toilet... I'm sure there are more.

First, what are these things?

(These definitions are mine and very unofficial!)

• golden showers: urinating on someone
• enemas: putting water or a liquid solution in the anus and bowels, resulting in a "cleansing" of the colon and solid waste removal
• enema torture: giving someone an enema and making them hold their bowel movement until they go crazy
• forced holding: making someone hold it to show your control over them
• diapers: having someone wear a diaper and/or dirty the diaper in public or during sex play
• scat: any sort of play with poop--pooping on someone, pooping during sex, etc.
• watersports: any play that involves urination
• human toilet: using a submissive or slave as your toilet; i.e. they drink your urine/eat your feces, or you use your tongue as toilet paper.

Second, are they dangerous?

Well, most kinks can be dangerous, and it just depends on how far you take it. For instance, eating someone else's feces, yes, can be dangerous. Water sports and scat can both be safe if you keep the contact to your skin and no mucus membranes. If you touch feces to mucus membranes (nose, eyes, mouth, vagina, penis, anus) the bacteria can get inside your body and make you very sick, but if you keep it to your skin and wash well afterward, it's safer.

Urine is generally safer to ingest than feces. This is because urine is sterile when it first leaves the body (unless your partner has some kind of kidney or urinary tract infection); it is only when urine touches the air that bacteria start to thrive. Of course, urine is body waste, and ingesting it could mess up your body's salt and chemical levels, but a little bit probably won't kill you. The more diluted the urine is (the more hydrated your partner is), the less dangerous it is.

Ingesting feces, on the other hand, can be dangerous. Bacteria that live in your intestines and bowels are not meant to be introduced to your stomach. Ingesting poop is a good way to transfer Hepatitis. Generally, if you want to try scat play, it's safer to try it with a partner you've known for a long time and who has no STDs. Also, if you live with someone your internal bacteria tend to grow more similar. This doesn't mean it's safe to ingest anyone's poop--even your own--but it does make it safer.

Enemas can be very safe, especially if you're using sterile water or a medically approved enema solution. There are others, however, that aren't good for your body and can irritate your colon and anus. I've heard of people who used alcohol or chili peppers to cause their partners pain, but this can actually irritate and cause tears in your colon's interior lining. Not a good idea!

Last, if I find this kind of stuff kinky or fun, what kind of stuff can I try?

Well, there's tons of gross-and-kinky stuff out there. I'm a little grossed out by body functions myself, so I can't give you any personal recommendations (yet?), but there are some websites that will give you ideas, list the potential dangers, and show you how to keep safe. They include:

• Pigmedia: Dangers of Scat
• Pigmedia: Dangers of Watersports
• Pigmedia: Enemas
• Wiki: Watersports
• BEST Slave Training: Enemas
• Informed Consent: Human Toilets

Blood Play

Blood play is a particular fetish that relates blood to sexual arousal. While it is considered edge play because it obviously carries the risk of diseases, with a monogamous partner this should not be a problem.

Humans seem fascinated with bodily fluids. I've heard of fetishes for blood, urine, feces, cum--basically everything except vomit. (Who knows? There may be a fetish for that, too!) Using cum or urine during BDSM scenes is the most common, but while wandering the online halls of the BDSM mansion you'll find some references to blood play.

Blood play is a fairly obvious fetish that doesn't need a lot of explaining. People get kicks out of incorporating blood into their scenes. Sometimes this has to do with the pain involved, so "pain sluts" (subs who enjoy pain) and their Tops will enjoy this. It isn't about the blood, but causing pain and leaving a mark. This can be as simple as a needle prick or a small cut. Making the victim bleed shows the Tops power and the sub's helplessness.

Blood play can get more intricate, of course. Some people get turned on by making love to a woman while she is on her period. Others taste or drink the blood of their victim, almost like playing at being vampires.

When I looked online for more info, most of the blood fetish sites had more to do with vampirism than with BDSM, but you can find some BDSMers into it as well.

If the idea of using a knife on your sub until there is a thin trickle of blood running down his back turns you on, you might be interested in blood play. If you think it would be sexy to frighten your slave with a needle and then lick the drop of blood, or if it turns you on to think about having sex with your wife when she's on her period, this fetish might be for you!

For more info, see:

• Wiki on blood fetishism
• Vampirism

In other news, I have a 10% off from Babeland's online toy store than I am offering to any reader who leaves a comment and gives me the most convincing reason why you need/deserve/want ten percent off from a sex toy store! You can buy sex toys, vibes, dildos, condoms, lube, handcuffs, paddles, and other bondage gear at Babeland, so whatever you're interested in, they'll probably have it! Tell me what you're lusting after and why you want the 10% off. The most convincing person (or, if only one person participates, that lucky poster!) will receive a code for 10% any Babeland online merchandise. I'll announce the winner in one week (August 18, 2009). Obviously, if you participate, you need to let me know how I can reach you to give you the code. If you don't want your contact info posted, feel free to send me a private email.

Also, I am super excited because I've just received clover nipple clamps! I can't wait to try them out! :) Look back here for a review later this week!

Come On Command

A new fetish I've been learning about is called Come on Command, sometimes seen shortened to CoC.

This is one of thos fetishes that sounds just delightful to everyone who hears it. After all, orgasms are good = more orgasms are better. Who doesn't want to be able to come on command?


Basically, ths fetish takes a lot of training to do. It's hard work, both for the Dom and the sub, but many people find it worthwhile! (wink, wink). Come on command works just the way it sounds: the Dom conditions the sub to orgasm based on a specific verbal command.


Anyone who's trained dogs or children can tell you that conditioning is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. (Think Pavlov's dogs.) Especially since orgasms are so physical, it can be difficult to train a sub's brain so that they become completely psychological, but it's possible!

If you want to train your sub to Come on Command, be prepared to be patient, persistent, and consistent. Your task is to make your sub associate orgasming so strongly with a certain command you give him, that eventually the command alone will suffice to come.

Interested? Here's how:

1. First, decide upon your "cue." It needs to be the same word, delivered in the same tone and volume every time. You must be consistent!
2. Deny your sub orgasms for a while. Some tops spend weeks or months teasing and tormenting their subs, bringing them to the brink of orgasms every time, but never letting them fulfill it.
3. Allow your sub to orgasm, but only after you've delivered your "cue".
4. Keep the pattern of denial, completed by orgasming upon command, going.
5. Eventually, stop pleasuring your sub right before orgasm and utter the command. If he orgasms, give lots of positive praise. If he doesn't, utter the command and physically bring him to orgasm again to continue the training.
6. Repeat #s 3-5 as needed.

What are some of the pros of CoC? Obviously, it's hot. Many men and women are fascinated by the idea of being able to orgasm (or make someone orgasm) simply by a verbal command or physical cue (such as a face slap). And it's a delicious and powerful form of control for the top.

What are some of the cons of CoC? People tend to assumethere are no cons to something that sounds so cool as orgasm by command, but there are. First, it may not be possible for everyone, and it very difficult to train a sub to do. It takes lots of time, patience, consistency, and dedication. If you and your spouse get frustrated by the initial failures it could cause problems and unhappiness in your relationship. Also, it can be a dangerous kind of power. Because a sub is trained to orgasm at a certain word, tone, and facial expression from his Domme, he can lose the ability to come any other way--without the cue, on his own, or with someone else. Should the relationship end, the sub who is trained to orgasm with one Domme may find it impossible to come alone or with a new Domme.

Age Play for Beginners

Age play is any sort of sexual fantasy where one (or both) of the partners acts or feels younger or older than they are. You might be surprised how common some age play fantasies are, such as:

• high school cheerleader and high school principal
• young virgin and experienced adult
• angry parent spanking a wayward child

These types of fantasies and sexual play are normal. Any time one person is acting younger, even if you don't necessary think of yourself as being a teenager or child, an age-ist element comes into play.

There is no right or wrong way to go about age play. You can decide to pick an age and act that way, or you can just get into the scene and decide later what age you felt and acted like.

My Dom and I often do scenes with a power exchange, so age play seemed logical for us. It's not a big leap from "boss and hapless secretary" to "cheerleader and principal." And from there, it's a smaller leap still to "little girl and Daddy."

Before we started the play, we never decided upon an age. He just told me to start calling him Daddy (months later, this is still sometimes embarrassing for me!) and I suddenly had an outlet for all those clingy, whiny, pouty emotions I so often used to hide. It felt great! It wasn't that I actually regressed to a younger age, but I was allowed through a BDSM scene to let loose some of those negative emotions I'd been longing to let go of, but that I'd kept inside because they are often considered young or immature in our society.

Age play doesn't have to just be about sex, of course. BDSM scenes can have sex, or not, depending on what you and your partner want. In this case, my Dom wanted me to feel safe and secure. He wanted to spoil me and pay attention to me and make me feel like a treasured princess the way I rarely did with my own parents. It wasn't about sex or having an orgasm at all---it was about healing the wounded child of my past.

To do this, he wanted to just pamper me and shower me with attention. If you think this might be good for you or your spouse, consider putting in an old childhood favorite movie, playing, cuddling, making cookie dough, or simply finger painting. These are all perfectly legitimate activities for an adult that nonetheless will also help you nurture your inner "child."

When I am feeling young, it's not that I actually feel that I've turned into a 10-year-old. It's just an outlet for my insecurities to come out and be reassured by a strong, parental figure. It's wonderful! I don't have to worry about being mature or acting like an "adult" all the time. I can go to my Dom with my fears and insecurities. I can whine, pout, or cry for no reason. And because I'm feeling so young and vulnerable, he can validate those emotions for me. Rather than treat me as an equal, he treats me as a vulnerable little girl. He cuddles me and holds me, reassures me, and calls me pet names. It's a great feeling where I'm allowed to let my inner demons out.

If you're interested in this, you might want to make sure that you and your spouse discuss how you want to approach age play. If you picture yourself being a vulnerable, needy 5-year-old and she sees you being a highly sexual 16-year-old, you might have a problem! Both of you can have your needs met, but it might be best to plan for two separate scenes.

For instance, I once asked my Dom, "When I act young.... how old do you think I am?"

I was afraid he saw our scenes in a completely different light. And I was right! He told me he saw me as somewhere around 12-13. I didn't say anything, but this worried me---because I was feeling about 6 or 7. He didn't ask how old I felt, so I didn't tell him. I did ask him tentatively how he felt about doing a scene with a younger age, and he told me that felt too weird---like being sexual with a child. But it was a good thing I asked, or we'd have had entirely different ideas!

Some adults will even go so far as to be babies. This specific type of age play is often seen as AB on BDSM websites and blogs (AB stands for Adult Babies). More on this later!

Whether you feel like a baby, toddler, child, teenager, college student, mommy, daddy, or babysitter, age play can be a great way to get in touch with a side of you that you don't often share with your partner. If it sounds like it might be fun, broach the subject with your spouse and see where it goes. No matter what, enjoy!

My Intro to Puppy Play

Puppy play is a new area for me, although one that's always been hot. There's something so repellent in the idea of being degraded into a subhuman entity, something so disgusting and wrong and humiliating that an activity that once grossed me out gradually began to turn me on.

My Dom and I had several hot talks about this very thing when I was living in France and phone BDSM was all we had. I suggested the idea, and slowly it became very hot. He would talk to me on the phone as we'd discuss all the terribly wrong things he could do to me to make me act like a dog.

Finally, we did it.

It wasn't a terribly intense scene; there were no cages or leashes or shock collars, no dog bowls engraved with "FIDO" and no peeing on a newspaper. Yet.

First, my Dom psyched me out by putting my hair into two pigtails. I assumed we were going to try our hand at Daddy/little girl play, so I was a little surprised when he came in with two of his long, fuzzy socks.

He subsequently tied both socks around my knees (a brilliant idea, by the way) and then tied a computer cord around my neck.

Of course, I hadn't been warmed up and I was no where near to sub space. I let him strip me off naked and tie the cord around me, but I refused to budge when he tried to lead me away. But my Dom is stronger than me, and the cord around my neck being pulled forced me into a crawling position, and eventually forced me to take several begrudging steps. Since he kept pulling, my choice was clear: be choked, or crawl forward. At first I stubbornly tried to stay still, but this only ended up in me coughing, gagging, and being forced to crawl a few steps forward. Once, I grabbed the cord with both hands and refused to budge, but all this did was make him pull me several feet across the hardwood floors (I wouldn't recommend this, as now I have a neck/back ache). Gradually, he choke/dragged me across the house and into the kitchen.

You don't have to own a lot of BDSM toys for puppy play to work, by the way. Of course, there are all sorts of BDSM toys you can buy for this type of play: leashes, collars, doggie ears, butt plugs that double as tails, cages, dog toys, even knee pads and fake paws gloves. But my Dom and I are big believers in the cheap, do-it-yourself BDSM scenes. While we do own a few vibrators and paddles, we generally stick to creative use of household items.

Some handy tips if ever you want to indulge in puppy play without investing in expensive gear:

• rope or computer cord instead of a leash and collar
• pigtails instead of fake doggie ears
• thick socks instead of knee pads
• regular bowls instead of dog food dishes
• crumbled human food instead of dog food (humans shouldn't eat real dog food, anyway)
• rolled up newspaper instead of a whip or paddle

Anyway, our play began, and boy, was I humiliated! Once I'd been dragged into the kitchen, I proceeded to bury my head in my hands. My Dom grabbed the nearest wooden spoon and spanked me until I started whining and protesting.

"Dogs don't talk," he reminded me, setting a bowl of water in front of me. "Now drink!"

Of course, I was about to die of humiliation. I thought I might actually start to cry, but I held it in. I refused to drink, no matter how much he spanked me, first with the wooden spoon and next with a rolled-up newspaper, yelling "Bad dog!" at me. Finally, he grabbed one of my pigtails and forced my head into the bowl. I had no choice, and so I drank.

Next, he tied my "leash" to the kitchen table and left me there with a bowl of crumbled up chocolate while he went to roll up another newspaper. Once I had finished my bowl of "dog food," he led me into the living room and forced me to fetch a pen he threw across the room. At first I started to cry and told him I couldn't (you might want to put a gag on your "puppy" if she won't stop talking), but eventually he spanked me so much I went, dragging my head and near sobs. I crawled across the floor and was instructed to pick the pen up with my mouth and bring it back. Once I dropped the pen at his feet, he petted me and rubbed me and told me, "Good dog!" while I cringed in abject misery and humiliation at his feet.

Although I was an unwilling puppy, my Master expected this. He kept a firm tone of voice and kept yelling at me, pulling me by my leash, or spanking me until he got what he wanted. Gradually, I became more and more obedient to his commands.

Finally, he lead a shaking, humiliated, and very turned on sub into the bedroom. He made me suck his big toe and jack him off to earn my freedom from "puppydom." Once I'd earned it, he released me from my bondage and rewarded me with lots of fingering and dildos. My pride and stubborness gone, I relished every second of it.

For me, what was so gratifying about this scene was the loss of control. Though I fought him, I was eventually forced to submit and act like a dog. He nearly brought me to tears, and this messed wonderfully with my mind.

For him, he found the power and control over me to be highly erotic. He likes breaking me, wearing me down, and ultimately triumphing over a strong woman. It makes him feel powerful and dominant, and so he enjoys our scenes like this.

If you'd like to try puppy (or kitty, or pony, or whatever) play, I suggest you play with household items before investing in expensive toys you may not even like. Once you've decided you like this fetish, you can buy the toys. Also, a choke collar is a great idea, but make sure not to drag your pet by the neck, as this causes neck and back problems or headaches. If you want to litter train or paper train your pet, expect a longer scene--and try to make them drink lots and lots of water before you play! Also, don't accept anything less than 100% obedience if you want your pet to obey you---my Dom caught me sneaking pieces of chocolate out of my bowl, and only hit me a few times with completely painless newspaper, and I also got away with quite a lot of "human" talking. A gag might work to stop your pet from talking if she refuses to obey your commands.

Once we were done, I was worn out and near sleep. He cuddled me and I dozed happily, safe and warm in my Dom's arms. *happy sigh*

Genitorture

Genitorture.

May not sound fun, right? Yet the fetish of genital torture is often used in scenes. Whether you want to incorporate it into an interrogation scene, be the "Mean Domme" for once, or just hear your slave scream, some genitorture may be right for you.

Generally, just the phrase "genital torture" is going to get your sub's blood pumping and fear spiking. Genital torture is so popular because it inflicts pain on one of our most intimate, vulnerable places. The psychological aspect is also huge, since you are attacking a place of vulnerability and sexuality.

My advice is to start slowly. You don't want to cause too much pain to your sub, or bring on the pain too quickly. The best idea is to mix pain and pleasure. Of course, play with a safeword.

If your sub is a woman, consider a pussy whip or other light, stingy instrument. You don't want to use anything hard or thuddy on tender breasts or vulvas. A speculum is a great idea, since you can insert this into the vagina or anus and then widen the hole slowly. This is great both for visual humiliation and to keep the orfice held open while you torture it.

As for actual torture, consider using many clamps and clips of various sizes and materials. Plastic, wood, and metal clamps are all available... my Dom simply uses brightly-colored plastic clothes pins. Sometimes he pretends to close them and laughs at my reaction, other times he clamps them and watches me arch and moan, other times he clamps them and then squeezes them tighter with his fingers (ouch!), and sometimes he just leaves them on while I endure the pain. I've found on my nipples, these clamps are highly painful and make my breasts sore for days afterward, but they also heighten sensations of pleasure. On my clit, the clips don't hurt at all, but give a wonderful pressure that has been known to make me ejaculate with no other stimulation! My Dom will flick the clit clamp back and forth to enhance the sensation. And as an added bonus, our cats love them and use them as toys!

For more advance pussy torture, try light slapping and pussy whipping. Insert dildos and vibrators that are just a little bit too big. If you have a clit suction cup, use it on the labia and clitoris. Some people even use needles to pin the lips open or temporarily pierce the labia. Others clamp forceps on the inner lips and tie the forceps to a table, effectively splaying the inner lips.

Of course, as the Dom, you don't want to only provide your hapless sub with physical stimulation! As you torture her, talk to her. Describe what you are doing or going to do, chuckle sadistically to yourself, and exclaim over what you see and the pain you are inflicting. "I'm going to spread you with this speculum, my sweet.... ahhh, that hurts doesn't it??? Just a little more.... there, there, don't cry.... you look so deliciously HOT with your pussy spread open! And now I am going to stick this big, bad dildo in you til you cry for me to stop" is going to make your sub a lot hotter than if you cause all this pain in silence.

What if your sub is a boy? This type of genital torture is called Cock and Ball Torture, or CBT for short. There are lots of toys you can buy to help with CBT, such as cock restraints or weights you hang from the testicles. But you can still have lots of fun at home with no fancy store-bought toys.

Just like with women, you don't want to use heavy canes or paddles for CBT. Stick to a light slapper or single-tailed whip. This will cause lots of pain but no actual damage. Some brave souls even use catheters and insert all sorts of terrible things into a male sub's urethra (ouch!). Others paddle, punch, or strike the testicles. Some men enjoy ball-busting, which basically means you kick, punch, and stomp on his testicles. I don't understand it myself, but I've read accounts from men who said a Domme had them knocked on the ground in the fetal position, kicking and stomping on their balls with high-heeled shoes, and that they loved it!

If you want to keep it a little lighter, you can squeeze, knead, push, pull, massage, and slap the genital area. The mixture of pleasure and pain is sure to drive him crazy! You can also tie his balls up and pull on the string, or simply hang something heavy from them and gradually add to the weight.

When playing with genital torture, be safe! Play with safewords, discuss your activities beforehand, and have fun.

1950s Household

One specific type of BDSM activity is the 1950s household. This is just what it sounds like: a social and sexual dynamic that attempts to recreate the stereotypical male-dominated marital relationship of the 50s. In truth, this activity is more social and relational than sexual, although sex can play a part.

In a 1950s household, traditional gender roles are maintained. This is a type of "power exchange" based completely on gender roles. The man probably works at something "manly" like business, skilled labor, or management. He takes pride in his career and providing for the family.

The woman in this situation probably stays at home as a wife or mother. If she does leave the home, it is probably for her college studies or for pre-baby work in fields such as teaching, nursing, or other "feminine" jobs. Her main responsibility, of course, is her home and her family. This woman takes pride in cooking, cleaning, ironing, and raising her children. She may do outside activities such as volunteer work or being active in a church society.

Children are brought up with traditional values and a sense of the father being the head of the home. The man provides for, protects, and cherishes his wife; in turn, she makes his home a place of comfort and relaxation after a hard day's work.

I've never participated in a 1950s household (I think it lends itself more to a 24/7 relationship, which I am not part of), but from what I've seen, partners participate in 1950s relationships for far more than just sex or BDSM. It is a commitment to preserving a way of life; the focus is on traditional values. In fact, in a 1950s-style relationship model, the most well-known aspects of BDSM (sadomasochism, leather, whips, etc.) may not even play a part at all. This relationship is entirely based on the Dominant/submissive part of BDSM, and is simply a specific subgroup of Dominants and submissives; while participants may choose to engage in other elements of kink, they do not have to. (Of course, this is true of any element of BDSM, and just because the public seems to think all BDSMers wear tight black leather and carry around whips does not mean it is true.)

Punching Fetish

I've just heard about a new fetish that honestly cracks me up: punching fetish. While of course I don't have any statistics about the prevalancy of this fetish, a cursory browse through Fetlife and Google suggests that, while it definitely exists, there are not huge numbers of BDSMers practicing it. Still, I thought it was interesting and worth pursuing here!

Any sort of hitting can be incorporated into BDSM. From what I've heard, probably the most common type is slapping. I've even had a few "vanilla" boys give me a light face slap during making out to turn me on (or turn them on?). My current Dom, back before I had even an inkling this sweet Christian man would turn out to be a dom, surprised both of us in our dating relationship by hauling back and slapping me across the face once while we were making out; he says he has never forgotten my subsequent expression. :)

If you are into hitting, slapping of course is the safest way to go. Many men don't like the idea of punching a woman, afraid they will do serious damage to her face or body, even if they are comfortable giving her an open-palm slap. This is because slaps sting, but rarely do much tissue damage. A punch can break skin, bruise, blacken eyes, break noses, and shatter cheekbones.

The next type of hit you might want to try is the back-handed slap. I've had this done to me, too, and it hurts more than a slap but not so much as to be unbearable. Also, there is something just so deliciously degrading about a man backhanding a woman--like she is his slave or his dog! Yum.

If you are worried about getting into a full-on face punch, let me remind you: your punch will only be as hard as you make it. From what I've read, men who punch their partners are careful to act angry and out of control while actually taking care to measure the strength behind their punch. They often aim carefully for the more solid parts of the face (cheek) than for areas that will break or blacken (jaw, nose, eyes) and stop the punch "on impact" rather than following through like they would if they were fighting an enemy for real. Of course, if you try this, aim carefully! The benefit of a punch is it will deliver a much more solid, thudd-y type of pain than a slap or backhand. Of course, it also has shock value!

Another sneaky trick is to punch as hard as you can, near her head, so she thinks you are actually going to punch her. A full-on punch to the bed, pillow, or wall next to her face will get you a convincing reaction worth the pain in your hand (if you hit a wall; I doubt a feather pillow will do you much damage).

Hitting, punching, slapping, and other delicious hands-on BDSM activities are not limited to just the face, either. Fetishes exist for almost every type of punching imaginable: body punching, face punching, gut/belly punching, ass punching, thigh punching, and--bizarrely--cunt punching and perineum punching (to the former: oww!; to the latter: how do you aim for that tiny spot anyway?).

The Doms involved swear that beating your sub with your own hands (or knees, feet, body, whatever) is a far greater joy than simply beating her with distant and detached toys. The physical connection is greater between the two people, which for some means a greater emotional and sexual satisfaction. Biting, scratching, kicking, kneeing, hair-pulling, slapping, hitting, and punching their subs gives them far greater pleasure than hitting them with a paddle or whip.

If this sounds like you and your partner, have a go! Take it slowly, because some people bruise easier than others. As always with BDSM safety, remember to stay clear of important parts you want to protect, like the head and skull (her brain lives there), lower back and stomach (her vital organs), spinal cord, or anywhere that causes a "bad" pain as opposed to the "give me more" kind. Other than that, dish it out and see what your sub can take!

Bondage, Hooks, and Chains, Oh My!

Bondage is a sexy part of BDSM. Want some cool, creative ideas for how to tie up your lover without going back to Boy Scout basic training to learn to tie knots?

First, try sturdy plant hooks or other hooks from the hardware store. Make sure they can hold enough weight that they won't dislodge when your partner struggles! (If your partner is a 130-lb. female, this will be easier than if he is a 200-lb. muscle builder!) These are great ideas because once you have installed them with a simple drill, they just look like empty plant hooks when the in-laws come over. Likewise, hooks installed into the wall or near the floor can easily be installed behind a door or near a bed so guests won't ever see them.

Once you have these hooks installed, all you need is a pair of handcuffs and some rope or chain! Want a sexy idea? Have your partner get a piercing, or use one he already has. A small chain can easily clip to a small piercing on one end and the hooks in the wall or ceiling on the other. The ideas here are limitless! Here are some ideas:

• nose hooked to ring in ceiling or wall
• ear hooked to ring in ceiling
• lip or tongue hooked to ring in ceiling
• belly button hooked to ring in ceiling
• clit or cock hooked to ring in wall
• clit hooked to a chain held in your hand and pulled lightly when they disobey!
• nose or nipples hooked to chain held in your hand; you pull them around like an animal or slave
• nipples hooked to cock or clit

There are few ways your sub is going to feel more terrified, humiliated, and afraid to move than when she is handcuffed, and she is chained by her clit to the wall! While the actual bondage is very small, it is an incredibly vulnerable and humiliating position. If you handcuff her hands behind her back so she can't reach the chain, and place her as far from the wall as the hook will allow, she will be afraid to move at all! This kind of mental control is great. You can enjoy the view for hours, or even take pictures of your unwilling model to look at and enjoy later!

To be an especially fun and evil Dom, whip or paddle your sub in this position. If they move to avoid the blows, they hurt their nipples or clit (or wherever the chain is attached!). If they do not move, they receive the full brunt of your beating. Ahhhh, decisions! You can watch the terror and fear as your sub wrestles with two terrible decisions, trying to decide which will bring the least pain.

Another deliciously wicked idea is to bind your sub in an uncomfortable position. For example, tie her hands above her head and attach her to a hook in the ceiling, at just the right height so she can stand, but cannot comfortably put her feet all the way down. The pain and discomfort will heighten her humiliation and break her more easily. Or, attach his nipples to the wall, and his tongue or cock to a chain you hold in your hand. When you pull the chain, he will have to follow the movement, which will pull and hurt his nipples!

There are also hooks made especially for bondage. These hooks are sturdy and thick for internal insertion. They have a loop at the end so you can easily attach a chain or rope. Below are some hooks that can be inserted in the pussy, ass, nose, or mouth.

A great idea is also to buy or make some thigh cuffs. This pictures shows a commercial pair, but you can easily do this with rope, scarves, or belts. Be creative! Tie your sub's ankles and thighs together so they cannot stand or move away as you torture and enter them. Or, tie your sub's thighs and wrists together behind their back so they cannot fight back or defend themselves against your evil antics.

Bondage is fun, but some safety rules are in order: bondage can also be dangerous. Don't ever leave a bound person unattended. If you want the sub to think he is unattended, still be watching in secret. Have a safe word (or safe action, if the sub is gagged) so she can tell you if you need to abort play. Come in often and simply ask the sub if he is okay; he can nod or shake his head. For rope and tape, invest in a pair of emergency shears (shown in the picture); these are great for bondage and rape play because they allow you to quickly cut away clothing and bondage without cutting the victim. Also, don't leave a victim in the same position for more than an hour; change every so often so circulation stays healthy. Many people faint during bondage, so be prepared to quickly cut loose your sub in an emergency; offer small snacks if he gets faint. When bound, watch for changes in skin color: skin that is turning pink, white, or purple is getting too much or too little blood, and you need to loosen the bondage. Also, feel your sub's hands and feet every once in a while. If the extremities are getting cold or clammy, the bondage may be stopping blood flow or pinching a nerve.

And just for the sake of your sub's comfort, remember that a person who is sitting still and bound is going to get very cold. You are probably clothed, walking around, or working up a sweat by hitting or acosting your sub, and you may not feel this! Your naked, bound sub will. Feel his face, feet, and hands, and keep the heat up so a naked person can still feel comfortable.

If you get off on the idea of seeing your sub sitting spread-eagled, handcuffed and gagged, looking up at you with pleading eyes while her spread-open clit is spread to the wall, try it out! If you love the cruel feeling of power you get when you yank your sub around by his nose or cock, get him pierced and go to town! The ideas are limitless, and the evil is only limited by your imagination... *enter maniacal laughter here*...

Begging

Begging is probably a pretty common fetish, although I don't have the numbers to prove it. Even vanilla people do it. In BDSM, begging can add some flavor to an already-hot scene. Many Doms and Dommes find real pleasure in being begged or pleaded with by their sub or slave. It is up to you to decide what type of begging you most enjoy, and how to get your sub to do it.

Begging can have many uses. For the Dom, it is a power trip. It gives him more control over his sub. It can also be highly erotic. For the sub, it can be a lesson: teaching her humility, showing her that her body is not hers and only her Dom has control over how much pleasure and pain she receives, or as a punishment. It can also be a very effective type of humiliation play and emotional humiliation. Of course, it can also be a turn-on.

Do you want your sub to beg? Decide what would turn you on the most. Is her body posture important to you, or just the words? Would you rather her be kneeling before you, lying on the floor with her head down prostrate before you, kneeling between your legs and kissing your feet or your balls, or standing in front of you with her hands crossed demurely and her eyes lowered? Do you want her to be handcuffed? Would you prefer if she is tied to an object or chained to your ankle or wrist?

As for the words, what do you want? Will you be satisfied if she begs once, or are you going to make her repeat the same humiliating phrase 20 times perfectly before she is released? What specifically do you want her to beg for (to orgasm, for sex, to stop hurting her, to spank her again please)? Do you want her to use curse words and vulgarity for added humiliation ("Please fuck my dirty cunt harder, Master. Please let your dirty cumslut cum, Sir.")? Do you want her to call you something specific (Daddy, Sir, Mr. [insert your last name here], Master, Sergeant, My Owner)? Also, do you want lots of pleases and thank yous, or will a simple request be enough?

Your sub can't just guess what you want. Ordering her, "Beg," is not going to tell her what you want. Be specific! "I want you to kneel before me, lick my boot, and repeat 'Please whip your servant, Sir' fifteen times before I will forgive you" is clear and specific; "Beg for me" is not. Read this article, think about what behaviors you want your sub to perform for your pleasure, and communicate that to her clearly. You may want to have different requirements for different situations, so be specific so she knows what you desire.

Do you want to show her that you have control over her body and decisions? Make her beg before she can do something she wants, like have sex, get oral sex, perform a blow job, or receive a spanking. You can require her to ask permission before speaking or moving: "Please, Sir, may I touch your cock? Sir, may I please jack you off? Master, may your servant get up to get you a condom?"

Do you want to teach a proud, headstrong sub humility? Then you have to humilate her! Make her use vulgar language or refer to herself as a dirty name every time she talks. Make her say please and thank you before and after every activity: whether she is receiving pain, performing something on you, or receiving pleasure. Make her assume a humiliating position, such as kneeling in front of you, kissing your foot, lying on the floor in front of you, spreading her legs for you, or kneeling beside you and licking your balls (or ass). Require her to do something for you every time she talks: (Licks your balls/boot/ass), Please don't hit me, Master. (Licks your balls/boot/ass), please, don't hit your dirty cum recepticle, Master. (Licks your balls/boot/ass), I'm a dirty, bad girl, Master; please forgive me."

If your sub is too headstrong to do this, you are probably going to have to fight her on this and train her gradually. You can seriously tell some subs what you want and they will do it. Others will sit back and say, "Ummm...hell no." For these, you have to break their will. Do something they hate, like leaving them tied up (don't leave them unattended, but check in on them regularly, just don't speak to them), ignoring them, beating them, hurting them, or shutting them in a closet. It depends on the sub and what is going to work for them. For example, I don't mind being shut in dark spaces, but I would hate to be tied in a painful position and left until I agreed to beg.

Do you want to use begging as a punishment? Make your sub beg for something she doesn't want. For example, if you are whipping her as a punishment, force her to ask for the spank before each one and thank you for the spank before each one. "Thank you, Mr. Jones. May I have another, please?" You can use many things as a punishment: make her beg to be spanked or hurt, beg to do something you know she doesn't like or finds humiliating (anally fingering you, giving you a blow job, spreading her legs), or beg to be punished and spanked. Even when she hates something, such as a spanking, and is already screaming and crying for you to stop, it can be a powerful mindfuck to force her to beg for the next stroke anyway. It is a wicked mind game, but it is fun for you and will break the sub!

Of course, you can combine these, as well. A fun combination of "punishment" and "humiliation" would be, "Please spank your dirty whore, Mr. Jones. Thank you, sir. Please punish your cumrag, Mr. Jones. Thank you. Please fucking hurt this dumb fuck, Mr. Jones. Thank you." And, to be really evil, you can add in a physical humiliation as well: make her kneel to say it, or make her lie down prostrate, or force her to do some humiliating action like crawling on her hands and knees. She will be crying and miserable by the end!

Some things you can make her beg for: permission to orgasm, to touch you, to service you, to please you, for a collar, for a sex toy, for a favorite activity, for a scene, for more play time, for rougher play, for you to cum, for attention, for the next strike, for the next spank, for you to mark her, for your cock, for you to use her pussy/mouth/ass, to be let out of punishment, to play longer, for forgiveness, for a rape scene, to hurt her, to let her use the restroom, to take off painful clamps, to stop genital torture, the list goes on...

Just in case inspiration still hasn't struck you, here are some good phrases to get those creative juices flowing!

• "Please, Daddy, please let your bad little girl play with the whips."
• "Mistress, will you allow your slave to lick your cum?"
• "Please let me suck your dick, Master. Your slave needs to feel your hard dick in her mouth."
• "May I speak freely, Ma'am?"
• "Please spank me, Daddy. Thank you so much, Daddy."
• "Please let your cuntwhore cum, please, please Master!" "Do you deserve it?" "No, Master, no, I don't deserve it! I'm a bad, bad slut!" "That's right, bitch."
• "Master, may your girl cum for you, please?"
• "Please hit me harder, Sir. Thank you. Please hit me again, sir. Thank you."
• "What do you want right now?" "I need to cum!" "Beg for it."
• "Kneel in front of me, kiss my dick, and beg for forgiveness until I tell you to stop."
• "For every second of my time that you have wasted, you will lie on the floor in front of me, chained to the door, and beg me to take you back. That's 120 seconds. And you'd better call me Mommy every time you do it!"

Resources:

http://fetlife.com

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenbegging

Breath Control

I begin this blog with a warning, I'm writing about a breath control fetish as a way to study it. I'm not advising you go try it. Breath control (choking, sexual asphyxiation, etc.) is considered "edge play," meaning it is highly dangerous and many in the BDSM community believe you should never try it. The reason this fetish struck my interest is because it is so unsafe and yet so common. If you listen to anything like Loveline or pay attention to the news, people regularly die or force their partners into unconsciousness from this play.

This will be a short study of the breath control fetish, how it is implemented, and my perspective. I have also taken into consideration all types of play, from barehanded choking to gags.

The earliest documented history of this fetish is in the 1600s, when doctors prescribed it as a way to combat erectile dysfunction. The doctors noticed that bodies showed an erection after being hanged, and came to the natural conclusion that lack of air = sexual arousal.

Now this practice is commonly used for a control for the Dominant to use. I was reading opinions on this subject and one sub wrote it was the ultimate turn on, because her Dom had her life in his hands. This is very true! The sub also experiences a "high" from the lack of oxygen and the unusually large amounts of endorphins running through the blood stream. This method works as a turn on for both parties. The Dom's high is a of mental power rush and the sub experiences corporal pleasures.

I believe the safest way to do this is by using your hand only. There is no way for your hand to become stuck and unable to be removed. However, many people involved in "edge play" will uses all types of instruments to control breathing. Often times it could be as simple as a plastic bag or as intricate as a full latex suit with a restrictive apparatus attached. In either course of action I personally recommend you do not try this. If you decide the risks are worth the pleasure keep a working phone near, keep tools handy, and go get some training in CPR. The most important thing for the Dom to remember is to know your partner. We frequently state how communication and knowing your partner are the keys to staying safe. This case is no different! The sub may be unable to say a safeword and you should have a safe action if you are going to be unable to speak.

This is not only a couple's practice, but one that is frequently done during masturbation. The lead singer of the band INXS died performing autoerotic asphyxiation. It is normally practiced alone making it the most dangerous form of breath play. If the solo participant gets stuck or unable to open their airway, they will panic and quickly pass out. Death by strangulation is very quick! I don't believe in this case the risk ever justifies the rewards.

I believe breath play is a very sexy thing, but it is dangerous at the same time. I don't recommend you to try it. On the other hand, I enjoy breath play to an extent. I enjoy the rush of power and control I feel. I never, ever restrict the breathing of my sub to the point of unconsciousness. This is why I think it's important to know your partner. You might think my beliefs hippocritical, but ask a smoker if they recommend you start smoking.

Always, always stay safe, know your partner, and be a good Dom, take care of your sub.

Pony Play and More

For me, one of the most interesting fetishes in BDSM is animal role-playing. It is normally called Pony Play or Puppy Play, but really any type of animal can become part of this fetish. Although I can't claim to have ever tried these myself, below I have amassed some info for those curious about this, well... bestial fetish! :)



Pony Play is probably the most common of all animal role-playing games. One human plays the pony and the other plays the master or mistress. There are actually entire events where BDSMers get together to dress up as ponies and have actual competitions with cantering, showmanship, training, and hoofing. Wow!

Puppy Play is, obviously, when one human acts like a dog. The master will train the dog. One friend of mine had a boyfriend interested in puppy play. Here was the scene he described to her:

I want to eat dinner while you kneel at my feet with a collar and a lead [British word for "leash"]. I'll eat my whole dinner, but you can't have any. Then I'll take the lead and lead you upstairs. We'll have sex doggie-style, and you have to yelp like a puppy.

Kitty Play is a fetish where the human pretends to be a cat. (Dressing up as a cat for a costume party does not constitute a BDSM fetish!) The "kitty" walks, acts, and eats like a cat. I've heard of some masters who go so far as to litter train their kitties.

Many BDSM stores (although none I'd recommend) sell outfits and gear for pony, puppy, and kitty play. There are collars, leashes, riding tack, mouth bits, blinders, saddles, bridles, and stirrups. Riding crops and trainers' outfits are available for the Mistress. You can buy bridles and reigns shaped for either the head, breasts, or body. There are masks that cover the human face, horse hats with plumes, and headbands with ears. And of course, the transformance wouldn't be complete without a tail! You can order pony, puppy, or kitty tails that attach to clothing or, more commonly, are inserted as a butt plug. Wow-zahh!

If you are interested in this fetish, you can buy the gear if that makes you happy, but you don't have to; one of you can pretend to be a dog just as easily with puppy ears strapped on as without. You might try it out just to see if it's fun; most people may laugh at the idea of pretending to be a horse, but stop in awe at the hot blonde in a black latex cat suit at the Halloween party! Doms and Dommes may get off on the power trip of control: ordering, training, and whipping a sub that is playing a role completely bereft of speech and totally beneath them. Power doesn't get much more powerful than that! They are a lower than a sub, lower than a slave, and relegated to a pet.

Whether you find this amusing or kinky, it doesn't hurt to try. You can just play the role nonsexually to see how it feels. Many Doms may like the feeling of power, but not need the role to become sexual. Of course, it can become sexual: this type of play is called bestiality play. I must stress that BDSM does not condone actual bestiality, but only consenual human play where one person is pretending to rape an animal.

And if you try this fetish out, please, let me know how it goes! :)

Rape Fantasies: Are They Normal?

Many women (and men) are disturbed by rape fantasies. They think they must be sick, immoral, or wrong. They harbor these fears in secret, never sharing them with partners, ashamed and afraid. I'm here to tell you that these feelings are normal! Before we talk about how to incorporate rape fantasies into BDSM, let's explore some basics of the common fetish of rape fantasies.

Q: Are rape fantasies normal?
Absolutely! They are one of the most common fantasies around. An article by Saneesh Michael says that "most" women have them. While I'm not sure where she got this idea, it is certainly a common phenomenon. I know many of my female friends have sighed with relief when we finally talked about it, saying, "Good! I didn't know this was normal, and I thought I was crazy!"

Q: How many people have them, exactly?
It depends on which studies you read. Some studies say 19%, some say 47%, and the highest says 59%. The most current research estimates that anywhere from a third to half of all women have them. These fantasies could vary from being unwillingly seduced to orgasm to violent scenes of painful, savage rape. Of course, the study results depend on the women surveyed and the questions asked, but either way, rape fantasies are definitely common.

Q: What does having these fantasies mean? Am I sick or masochistic?
Several years ago, psychiatrists used to think so, but now researchers have shown this to be false. They now think these fantasies indicate other things. The common idea that "women who fantasize of rape actually want to be raped" is false. There are many theories out there, some better than others:

1. "Women have been taught to repress their sexual urges, so rape gives them a way to remain innocent while still being sexually active." However, studies on this have been inconclusive. Some studies found a women who felt guilty about sex were more likely to have rape fantasies, some found there was no relationship, and some found women who didn't feel guilty about sex were more likely to fantasize about being raped. In general, the newest research seems to suggest this theory is incorrect.
2. "Women find it sexy to be so desired that a man will break all the rules to have her." Some women are simply excited by the idea of being so sexually powerful and seen as so desirable that a man would absolutely lose control and take her against her will.
3. "Women are biologically predisposed to violence and rape in mating." The theory of biological predisposition would explain why both men and women have rape fantasies: women have a need to be fought over, pursued, and dominated, while men have a need to seek, fight, overpower, and dominate. It is certainly true that some male animals fight for their female, then try to awe her in a display of dominance. Perhaps we are simply acting out our wildest, most primal instincts.
4. "Emotional arousal heightens sexual arousal." Many studies have proven that feeling frightened, anxious, or angry before sex heightens the sexual drive. Women whose blood is already pumping and emotional state is already aroused are much quicker to respond sexually to graphic pictures. This is why many people are especially passionate after a fight or when they have just been badly frightened. This theory helps explain why rape fantasies, and BDSM in general, might help heighten sexual pleasure for women.

Q: I have actually been raped, but I still have rape fantasies.
From what I've read, this is very normal. As a very wise Fetlife member said, "Having rape fantasies is normal for women. And raped or not, you are still a normal woman." Sometimes your brain may take scenes from the actual rape, as a chance to make a terrible moment exciting, sexual, and in your control. Other times, you will simply fantasize about being overpowered like other women do. Either way, this is normal and healthy.

Q: Do men have rape fantasies, too?
Absolutely. Although, surprisingly, men have fewer rape fantasies than women. Many men are ashamed to admit it, but actually it is natural for a man to want to overpower and dominate his mate. Just as the women who fantasize don't want to actually be raped, these men do not actually wish to harm or rape a woman.

Q: I am a man who fantasizes about being the victim of rape, or a woman fantasizing about raping a man. Is this normal?
While it is less common, this is still normal. Some women enjoy the power trip of raping a man, forcing him to have sex at knife- or gunpoint. And some men enjoy the idea of being completely dominated by a woman, just as women do. These are both sane fantasies.

Q: Do these fantasies mean women and men actually want to participate in a rape?
No! While both genders have fantasies about raping or being raped, having these thoughts doesn't mean they want to make them real. Some people prefer to keep them as fantasies, sharing them with no one. Others like to act them out with their partners, using standard BDSM scene etiquette by communicating and agreeing beforehand, utilizing safewords, and "playing" rape. For either gender, nonconsenual or truly violent rape is a sexy thought but an abhorrent reality.

Q: Why are rape fantasies sexy for some people?
A woman in an online article put it this way: "I think it's innate for every woman to have an internal need to be wanted so badly that a man would take sex from her." My friend D. explained to me, "I think it's just the idea of someone being in control of you...*happy sigh*" Our friend C. chimed in, "It's just the next natural step beyond regular domination and submission." My Dom likes the power trip, and I enjoy the feeling of being totally vulnerable and helpless, while being totally desired by a strong, masculine man who has overpowered me emotionally and physically.

Q: Is it safe for my partner and me to act out our rape fantasies?
This depends. For some, it may be too disturbing or traumatic, which is why you should never try it without a safeword. Also, lots of communication beforehand is crucial, because you could inflict serious emotional damage in a rape scene gone wrong. If a rape scene sounds like too much, your fantasies should probably stay safely in your head. But if you want to try it, go ahead; with two consenting adults who both get off on the thrill of rape play, it can be perfectly safe and healthy.

Q: What could be the benefits of acting out my rape fantasies?
For one, it's sexy. :) Another is that the heightened emotional and physical sensations of struggling, being frightened or scared, and fighting your attacker will make your body wake up and your blood start pumping, making you more turned on! Also, it can be very healing to admit these fantasies and act them out in a safe scenario, knowing they are normal and healthy. And if you have been the victim of rape or abuse, sometimes rape scenes give you the chance to re-write history, taking back a part of yourself that was lost and re-creating the event under your own control, by your own rules, and with your own consent.

Warning: While BDSM can be healing, some people need serious therapy. BDSM is not a substitute for professional help. Rape play is inherently dangerous, playing on the edge of emotional trauma, so subdrop and topdrop are especially likely, and aftercare is absolutely crucial.

My Resources:

Women's Erotic Rape Fantasies (study)

How Common Are Women's Rape Fantasies? (table)

What's Behind Rape Fantasies? (article)

Do Women Desire Forced Lovemaking? (article)

Small Penis Humiliation

Being a girl, I was both amazed and confused by the BDSM phenomenon of Small Penis Humiliation (SPH). I found out about this unique fetish in a Fetlife chat group of men raving about the turn on of, you guessed it, being humiliated about the worthless size of their tiny penises. Even men who didn't have small penises sometimes enjoyed it! And here I was under the impression that all men had a Freudian complex and wanted bigger, better, thicker, and meaner pieces of meat.

Like a true little journalist, I set to work right away digging up all I could about the SPH fetish. And to my great delight and profound gratefulness, I found many men on Fetlife willing to talk to me about their, um, small genitals, how it started becoming sexy for them, and why and how they enjoy SPH now. Read on for what my interviews revealed...!

Q: Why do men even enjoy SPH?
Two of my interviewees said their SPH fetish began for them in their teens, during gym class. They both had experiences with boys in gym pointing and laughing. One even had the boys come up, touch him, force him to touch their penises, make him masturbate, and call him queer. While this is a terrible testament to the cruelty of teenagers, both my interviewees grew past it. They began associating small penises with humiliation, and eventually with sexual pleasure. Since many, many people enjoy humiliation or degradation play as part of BDSM, I can see how this would make sense.

Q: Doesn't SPH hurt their feelings? :(
I asked all the interviewees if PSH hurt their feelings; as a girl, this would be my fear! They all said no; it had hurt their feelings at first, but eventually they grew immune to it. One said he just realized he couldn't help it, as he could his weight or his hair color, and decided not to worry about it but enjoy getting the SPH attention he craved. Another said he grew up and realized it was his mind and heart that made him a man, and not what was between his legs. (Kudos to him, I say!)

I also talked to two men who consider themselves average, but still enjoy humiliation or SPH. One told me he enjoys it because it is the most humiliating thing to be tormented over, and so the emotions are more intense and thus more enjoyable! Others pointed out to me that they enjoy this type of humiliation so much they make it a point to tell others how tiny they are, so they can be laughed at and subsequently turned on. One man told me he wasn't sure he would like to try SPH, as it might hurt his tender male ego, but then thoughtfully added, "Although... I suppose that's the point, isn't it?" :)

Q: Do women enjoy giving SPH?
Well, the point of being a Domme is to make your partner submit, and many Dommes truly enjoy giving emotional and psychological pain. I did read about a woman who enjoyed doing SPH to her lover (he also enjoyed it). She never let him have sex, saying he was "too small," and forced him to be a sex toy at parties with her friends: he had to give sexual favors or receive anal sex from anyone who wanted to use him. Obviously, this is not a biblically-accepted sexual behavior, so I wouldn't recommend it for Christians!

Q: Are there women who enjoy small penises?
I found one (ONE!) woman in all of Fetlife who was loudly proclaiming that she prefers tiny penises. (Sorry, guys, all my life experience and internet research indicates women do, indeed, prefer above-average penises...) I tried to contact her to ask her about it, but she slammed back an e-mail saying she would not deign to talk to someone interested in SPH, and wouldn't talk to me. My subsequent emails were ignored. Ouch! Personally, I consider it silly to refuse to answer someone's questions just because they may not agree with you.... how else would we ever learn about each other?!

Q: Do all men like SPH?
When I asked my Dom about this, he basically said that SPH did not turn him on at all.... it made him sad, hurt, angry, or defensive. Of course, we were trying this via email and not in person, and I'm sure being in person would make a difference, but heed the warning: many guys don't like having their penises made fun of, and saying it is too small is especially close to many tender male hearts, so don't ever just start berating your guy for his tiny manhood before you discuss this with him first!

Q: What about men with average or large penises? Where do they fit into SPH?
Well, I found some average-size men who were very open to SPH. One of my interviewees told me he knew several average men who had a complex about size, either because some woman told them they weren't large enough for them, left them for someone bigger, or complained about the man coming too soon. Others were teased about their penises in childhood or during teenage years, or raised in a strict religious setting where they were taught penises were disgusting, dirty, and evil. Also, one Domme said she had a partner with a huge penis, and tormented him about it, saying he was too big for her and she would rather have a "normal" partner. It seems many men are sensitive about their penises, no matter what their size.

Q: What activities are part of SPH play?
Well, three of my interviewees told me the idea about SPH that most turns them on. Ironically, all three men separately told me they fantasize about being paraded around naked in front of a group of people and laughed at. They said they would not find this hurtful, but very sexy and exciting. Of course, the details differed (one man wanted to be blindfolded, another to be forced to play with himself so he could be teased about the size of his erection), but I found it very intriguing that all three separately had this same fantasy about public torment over their size! Another also added he would like to be a cuckold, which means someone who is forced to watch his Domme have sex with someone else. I wrote back to ask him why this was, and he replied, saying he is too small to please someone sexually during intercourse, but having a sexless relationship with his Domme while being forced to watch her have sex with people who were "more man" then he was would be very exciting for him.

Q: I'm a Christian, so parading my husband around naked in public or making him watch me screw someone else isn't really an option. Can SPH fit into a Christian sex life?
Yes, of course; it just won't include other people! If you or your husband (or both!) are interested in trying SPH, talk about what he would like: how should you make fun of him, what things turn him on or off about it, what humiliation would excite him? Verbally and emotionally, you can ridicule or tease him about his size. Physically, you can make him stand naked while you tease him or measure him. You can even buy Male Chastity Cages (small cages that lock around the penis and you carry the key!), engage in Cock and Ball Torture (CBT), or force him to wear a strap-on a dildo for added physical humiliation. The ideas are limitless; just make sure it's consenual and all in good fun!

Links for the Beginning Sadomasochist

So for those of you interested in learning more about BDSM, we hope this blog will be of use to you. It will certainly be of use to us! We are excited to journal our sexual escapades and hope you will feel free to message or email us any questions you have about BDSM, sex ideas, sex toys, relationship issues, marriage, divorce, Christianity, faith, you name it; they all connect with how we humans relate in the bedroom!

Before we start blogging, we will give you beginners out there a crash course in common terminology used in the BDSM world.

• BDSM: Stands for Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism. Refers to a sexual lifestyle where physical and emotional pain are used to heighten sexual pleasure. Also called Sadomasochism, Dominance and Submission, B/D, B&D, D/S, D&S, S&M, S/M. This practice is used by people of all races, religions, and sexual orientations, and differs from sexual abuse because all partners are consenting adults.
• Dom: Short for the Dominant, often called the "S" (for sadist), the Top, or the Master. This refers to the person currently playing the role of the Dominant, or Sadist, someone who likes inflicting pain.
• Sub: Short for the Submissive, often called the "M" (for masochist), the Bottom, or the Slave. This person is currently being dominated.
• Bondage: Any means of restraining or tying your Sub, including tying with rope, tape, handcuffs, or your own hands.
• Discipline: Refers to verbal or emotional "abuse" heaped on the Sub by the Dom, resulting in a sexy feeling of being humilated and dominated
• Fetishism: This is finding sexual attraction from culturally non-sexual objects. Common examples of fetishes are shoes, feet, and panties.
• Power Exchange: This is when the Sub willingly gives control (physical, mental, and sexual) to the Dom. It can be for one short scene or last for days or weeks, depending what the partners agree upon.
• Punishment: Physical "abuse" used by the Dom to enforce and maintain control over the Sub
• Roleplaying: A specific type of BDSM behavior including assuming a separate identity for sexual play. Examples could include Policeman/Suspect, Teacher/Student, Nurse/Patient, etc.
• Safeword: A safeword is a password agreed upon by both partners beforehand that will stop all play immediately. It is imperative that both the Sub and the Dom stop sexual activity as soon as the safeword is spoken. Safewords allow the Sub to cry, plead, beg, and scream, "No!" to their hearts' content, but as soon as they are genuinely uncomfortable, they can call it quits. Common safewords are Red and Pickle.
• Scene: A "scene" is the word for a particular roleplaying game. Participants decide upon a scene beforehand and assume their roles; scenes can last anywhere from a 5-minute play session to an all-day session where both lovers maintain their characters long term.
• Silent Alarm: A silent alarm is imperative for BDSM enthusiasts who are not in a loving monogamous relationship. When you begin to explore with a new partner, tell a friend who you are with, where you'll be, and what time you'll be home. If you are not home by that time, the friend is to call the police. Inform your partner what you are doing and encourage him or her to use a silent alarm, too.

Helpful Links for the Aspiring Sadomasochist:
Click on the links below for more information.
An article on safety for your BDSM adventures.
This website gives novice female subs info on how to stay safe as they begin exploring the BDSM community, and also offers links to reputable resources on BDSM.
Here is a general guide to BDSM.
Warning! This site contains pornographic pictures. It does, however, contain a humorous story on flogging and how to correctly use safewords.