I Own You

There are few things as raw and powerful as him taking you firmly by the hips and saying, "I own you" as he penetrates you.


The rush of emotion is divine. Subspace pulls me in. I feel like weeping. I am conquered, controlled, loved, and captivated.


The words are powerful. "I own you."


And so I feel owned.

The BDSM Community

One thing I have found about the BDSM community is that it is very, very open minded.  I get the feeling it wasn't always this way, that a few decades ago if you weren't into black leather and gay sex (the two most stereotypical facets of BDSM originally), you were sort of shunned since mainstream society had shunned them.

But the community grew, and now any kink is okay. There is a community-wide openmindedness that is perfectly described by the half-joking acronym YKINMKBYKIOK, Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is OK.



It is something I really, really like about this community. I'm in somewhat of a minority in the BDSM community, one because my Dom and I are monogamous and two because I am Christian. It is easy to shun others who aren't like you, but because the BDSM community is pretty much comprised of people who have sexual practices that are shunned by mainstream society, and that is a huge umbrella of kinks and proclivities, the community has really reached out to all sexual outsiders with the message, Come on in. We won't judge.

And for the most part, people don't. Sure, I see a few FetLife forums where Wiccans and Christians get into it, or the occasional rant about how monogamy is unnatural (ironic, no?), but mostly, people respect your boundaries and they respect your kink.

You're into being a dog or a horse or a kitty cat? An adult baby? A slave? Weird. But cool.

You're into Christian Domestic Discipline? You're polyamorous? You're a man who likes to be dominated by women? You fantasize about being raped? You're gay or straight or bi? Cool.

And I really, really like that mentality.

One, it has helped me grow into an individual who is a lot less judgmental of others' sexual desires. A friend confided in me that his fiancee likes to be slapped. I sort of shrugged. That might have been weird for me five years ago, but that's nothing compared to the stuff I read on FetLife, and I've gotten to know some of those people and they are serious cool, normal people whom I would be happy to hang out with. Another friend recently confided in me that his wife is interested in having a threesome. Sure, that's not my kink (as a Christian, I'd think that's a sin, but he's not a Christian and does not hold himself to the same moral values I do, and besides, I'm not living his life and what he does in his marriage is not my concern). Thanks to my experience with way more poly relationships than a one-time hookup, I was able to give him unbiased advice about a safe way to possibly meet someone with those interests, without going through something sketchy and potentially unsafe like Craigslist or a prostitute.

I like that through FetLife, I have relationships with people who are Christian and a dozen other faiths, people who are M/s, people who are CDD, people who are gay or straight or single or married. I like that this community says, "Welcome in. You'll find a place for yourself here. And if you don't, you can make one."

I think that's very cool.

Last Night's Sex and Domination

Warning: This post is sexually explicit. If you're offended by sexual details, hit your back button. If you're under 18, go watch this video of kittens frolicking instead.

Last night I got dominated for the first time in a while. It was oh so nice. It wasn't that we hadn't wanted to do D/s (or at least on my part!). We'd been busy with a newborn, what can I say?

After giving birth, you're supposed to wait 6 weeks to have sex. Even now though, I'm still too sore down there to consider having actual sex. My Dom has been very patient and understanding, but I know it's been a while and it's hard on him.

Last night around 4 am we were up feeding the baby. Well, I was feeding the baby and he was sitting with me. We were watching more Scrubs to keep ourselves awake. I was feeling oddly cuddly and needy, which is rare for me and he loves when it happens. I kept wanting to hold his hand and tell him I'd missed him lately. We'd barely gotten to see each other the night before; he got home from work at 5:30 and my parents came over for dinner and then I went to bed, a tired mommy.

When we got into bed, we cuddled and I could tell he was hard. But this has been a more common occurence lately ;) so I just ignored it and assumed we were going to fall asleep. In fact, I was burrowing happily into my warm pillow with just that goal in mind when he leaned forward and whispered throatily in my ear, "I want you to suck my cock."

It made me shiver. It had been so long since he'd dominated me...

But I wasn't sure if this was a "Do this now" command or just a "I want this but we're going to bed so I just thought I'd let you know so you feel wanted." So I waited.

He whispered, "Do you understand?"

I'm trying to work on being more submissive, you know. Not needing to fight him every step of the way. So I chose not to fight and I just nodded. Shivered and nodded. And waited. What was he going to do?

"I want you to suck my cock," he repeated in a low voice. "You're going to come over here, and suck my cock, and act like you like it." Another pause. "Do you understand?"

I swallowed hard. Nodded again.

He whispered in my ear, "I'm going to get ready. You take off your shirt and then come over here."

A whimper of protest from me. Okay, so this was a tiny bit of a test. I didn't want to give in too easily. He likes me when I'm fiesty. *wink*

His voice was low and rough in my ear. "Do you understand?"

I nodded. Swallowed. Whispered, "Yes."

It was so nice to have this happening again. To be told what to do. To give in to the submissive feeling. To do it.

I obeyed him. I rolled over, took my shirt off, and placed it by my pillow because I knew I'd be cold later. He pulled off his pants. I lowered my head, kissed his thigh, kissed his stomach. I took him in my mouth. I was gratified to hear him moan and enjoy it more than he normally does, no doubt because it has been so long for us. I tried to remember to run my hands up and down his thighs, stoke him, and squeeze his butt, to provide extra stimulation, because I enjoy the touching aspect of sex and so I hoped he would, too.

Eventually, I stopped. "My mouth hurts," I explained. Sometimes my jaw gets sore and starts to pop at night, and that seemed to be happening now.

He could have forced me to go on, but he didn't. But he did roll me over on my back and squeeze my breasts and kiss and lick them.

My whole body tensed up.

"What's wrong?" he whispered.

I didn't answer.

"Does it hurt?"

I shuddered. "No," I explained with my eyes shut tight. "It just feels weird... because of the baby." I hadn't been touched sexually in so long. It felt strange to have my nipples sucked by someone other than our infant. For the last several weeks, she's been the only one whose mouth has been there. My breasts didn't feel sexual anymore. I was having a hard time transitioning back to "sexual touch" from "nursing, mothering" touch in my brain.

He grabbed me. Slapped me a little. It hurt. I gasped.

"I'm taking them back now," he said. "For now. Do you understand?"

It was so sexy. I could only nod. He touched me with his hands, his face, his tongue, his mouth. He roughly pushed me down onto the bed, he grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head, he was rough with me. I liked it. Even when I didn't.

And it was oh, so relaxing. I felt calm and at peace. I felt great anticipation, as I waited to see what he would do.

He commanded me forcefully to put my hands above my head. "Above your head!" he commanded again. I hastened to obey. My breath came in short gasps. I felt turned on for the first time in a long time. He used my breasts until he came.

I reached up to grab his head and hold him. He normally likes that.

"Above your head!" he repeated. I quickly obeyed. I hadn't meant to disobey him; I'd thought he was finished.

He waited to see if I'd done as he commanded. Then he relented, saying, "Now you can hug me." Being forced to wait made it seem even more special, like hugging him was a privelege I'd earned.

We held each other. We laughed and discussed how great it had been. I felt happy to have made him so happy, and relaxed because I'd been dominated.

We cleaned up and climbed back into bed. I snuggled into him as tight as I could, feeling closer to him than I had in a long time. "I just want to burrow into you!" I said. He laughed and burrowed his head into my neck. He kissed the back of my neck and briefly rubbed my back.

"I feel nice," I murmured.

"You do feel nice."

"No," I laughed, "I mean... I feel good."

He laughed and nuzzled me. "Good."

As we drifted to sleep, I murmured, "Thank you."

I thought he might already be asleep, but he answered against the back of my neck. "For what?"

"For dominating me," I whispered sleepily.

He chuckled and hugged me tighter.

"You're welcome."

When I First Knew He Might Be Dominate

When did I first realize that my Dom might be a dominant man?

Actually, I didn't realize it consciously at first. I had never heard of BDSM or D/s or spanking relationships. But I think, now that I know those lifestyles and have had years to explore this side of myself, that I can look back at past boyfriends and see who had those qualities and who did not. Even before I understood what I wanted or even realized I wanted it, I was either drawn or repelled by some men's qualities.

At first, I was drawn to passive men because I was afraid too much conflict would make me end up divorced and unhappy like my parents. Looking back, the boys I dated were passive-aggressive and manipulative.

After a few years of that, I started avoiding the passive aggressive men and went for the "safe" passive guys. You know the type: the "nice guys." They were nice to me and good friends, but my relationships never had much spark. We spent a lot of time fighting because I couldn't respect them, and that in turn made me turn to disrespect and nagging.

Eventually, I dated a man who was the opposite of all that. He wasn't passive or passive-aggressive; he welcomed conflict and rushed right into it. I fell in love with his strength, his power, and his masculinity. Even though he was jealous and possessive, I was tired of being with men who weren't really men, and I looked at his possessiveness as proof that he loved me. Even when he was controlling, I saw it as strength. It was a welcome change from the wusses I'd experienced. However, this man had strength without controlling it. Eventually, his temper and need for control became clear for what they were. Yes, I was allowed to be the woman, I was protected and provided for and fiercely defended, but I was also treated as an inferior, yelled at, and controlled. Thankfully, I left.

Luckily, soon after that I met my future Dom and husband. I still wanted a man who was strong and masculine, but now I was wiser and knew to look for other things, like a man who could control his temper, who would protect me but not control me, or who would control me when it was for my good but not because he was insecure or unstable. I also wanted someone who could fight for me when needed, but could control his temper and not let constant fighting destroy our relationship. I wanted someone who would protect me, but also treat me with respect and value my thoughts and opinions.

Looking back, there were clues my Dom might be leaning toward D/s even before either of us knew what that term meant. He'd just gotten out of a bad relationship where there was no communication and the woman didn't respect him or share her thoughts and feelings. He decided he wanted someone more emotional and creative than she had been, but he also wanted someone who would let him lead and ultimately wanted a male-led relationship.

When did I realize he might be dominate?

When we were first dating, we had only kissed once or twice when I went to his house to visit him. When I left, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me goodbye. I liked it. :)

A few days later, I was kissing him goodbye at my car when he asked me to stay longer. I hesitated, but then said sure. Without a word, he swooped me up in his arms and ran with me to his backyard, where he pushed me down on the table and we had some more nice kissing before I went home.

When we finally started dating seriously and the kissing went from pecks to more intense, he liked to tug on my hair. It never really hurt, but to my surprise I liked it. Once, he stopped kissing me, grabbed me by the roots of my hair, held me inches from his face, and challenged me, "Why aren't you kissing me?!" I strained to reach his lips, but he held me firm by my hair and I couldn't reach him until he allowed me to. For some reason, I thought that was surprising but really sexy.

He took risks with me, too. Little things, like asking me on dates instead of expecting me to initiate things. On our second date, he filled an ice chest with my favorite ice cream toppings and surprised me with an ice-cream-sundae picnic at the park. He held my hand first and he kissed me first. He also initiated the talks about our relationship, like telling me when he wanted us to date exclusively or bringing along a book of conversation starters to one of our dates. I appreciated that he was confident enough to put himself out there and take risks in our relationship; it allowed me to be the woman and feel pursued, and showed that he was willing to initiate and lead the relationship.

Eventually, I realized that I had a guy who, although he was very nice and normal in most circumstances, would surprise me with something kind of kinky, like pulling my hair or talking dirty to me, every once in a while. When we made out, he tended to be aggressive and I tended to lie back and enjoy it. He told me later that when he pushed me up against the door, he could tell I responded to it, and felt encouraged to continue with his natural desires. He had never explored them before or really been interested in dominating a woman, but just little things like he tried with me seemed to please both of us, so he kept doing them.

Unlike me, he'd never been interested in being kinky or D/s before he met me. I'd had those desires, but without realizing what they were, since I was a teenager, but for him they were new. He was 27 and when he decided to try tiny things like pulling my hair or pushing me against a door to kiss me, he realized that he liked them and I responded to them. So he kept doing them.

Eventually, I started doing research on the internet to find out if we were some sort of freaks, and I discovered that there was an entire community who did what we did, but WAY more! I was so happy and relieved that we were normal, and that now I had more things to explore and learn, and deeper to go than I'd even realized. So I started this blog to share my journey and knowlege, and here I am today, 3 years later.

Those are the tiny clues that made me realize my then-boyfriend might be a tiny bit dominate. :)

Regaining Trust

A theme I read a lot on BDSM blogs is about regaining trust. Often, the slave has done something that has lost her (or his!) Master's trust, but I hear about the other way around, too. Sometimes the relationship will end, or keep going without the BDSM element, which is heartbreaking to both people. Sometimes the slave is in danger of losing her collar.

I think the reason breaking trust is such a big deal is trust is so crucial to this lifestyle. It has to be "safe, sane, and consensual." There has to be trust. Research shows BDSM can lead to heightened feelings of intimacy, so emotions and deep vulnerabilities come to the surface. It can be heartbreaking and devastating to have those hurt or damaged. In worst-case scenarios, people's health and lives may be at stake, especially with edge play like breath control.

But the truth is, real Doms and subs are human. We are going to fail. We are going to hurt each other.

When my Dom and I started our long, arduous journey into TTWD (thanks to the internet I discovered it had a name and a whole community attached!), I had visions of fairies and sugarplums dancing in my head. Not really, but I might as well have. I envisioned that, with a lot of work and mistakes of course, we would eventually reach a place where we existed in perfect tune with each other. He would always dominate me exactly the way I wanted him to, and I would live in subspace all the time. He would notice tiny transgressions immediately and punish me severely, and I would always return to him. He would train me into a submissive, respectful version of myself, and I would get his coffee in the mornings and give him oral sex whenever he wanted it. Of course, I would always like said oral sex and he would feel emotionally satisfied. In public, a mere look or raise of the eyebrow would send me into a meek and docile headspace. No one would know, but he would rule me completely.

Of course, the reality is far from that. Like many women, I struggle with submission. Sometimes I really want to. Others I don't! I feel stubborn or angry. I resent that it's "not fair." I plant my feet, grit my teeth, my eyes flash, and I dig my feet into the ground.

Sometimes, of course, he can't notice all my transgressions because he doesn't live in my head. Because what I hadn't considered as a newbie sub, you see, is that some of my transgressions are mental. Maybe I have a bad attitude. Maybe I'm sulking, so subtly and sneakily that he doesn't notice. Maybe I do what he says outwardly but I'm resentful and steaming inside because he didn't dominate me earlier in the day when I thought I needed it. Maybe I think I'm testing him and being bratty, but he thinks I'm being playful and teasing. He likes it when we tease and play, so without knowing the motive, he doesn't know to punish me.

Sometimes my Dom isn't perfect. Sometimes he gets tired of ordering people around at work and just feels too tired to come home and order someone around at home. Sometimes he forgets what he's told me to do, so he can't check up on me and make sure I've done it later.

In all these cases, for a myriad of reasons and a variety of times, trust is broken. I break his. He breaks mine.

We are not perfect creatures, after all.

Luckily, there is this thing called forgiveness. Regaining of trust. Rebuilding. It can be hard and it can be slow. For me, it is often very painful (I'm not naturally a person whose feelings bounce back after being hurt). Sometimes I think forgiveness is impossible. I want to give up. Sometimes I try.

Recently, I suggested we "take a break" from D/s for a while. "Not from our marriage!" I insisted. "Just from BDSM." (In my head, I was thinking, "'Take a break?' What are we, in high school?" But maybe he would fall for it...)

There was a brief pause.

"No."

Insert pout here. "Why?" I whined.

"Because we'll lose all the ground we've made."

Hmph. He was right. So, no break for us. That's okay. In my head, I could see that losing all the ground we've worked for would be bad. We'd have to spend weeks and months re-covering the same ground we'd worked so hard to gain.

If you are new to a BDSM relationship, it can be easy to fall into the mistake I made: envisioning years of perfect relationship bliss, an endless dance of dominance and submission where all your needs and wants get met. (For a humorous look at this, read A Look at Reality vs. Dreams.) Luckily, I'm with a man who doesn't give up easily, in a relationship I can't get out of (*cough* marriage *cough*). And I'm tenacious. So we have worked out, over the months and years, that sometimes D/s is hard and sometimes it is wonderfully, blissfully easy. Why do we do it? Because we think it is worth the work to reap the benefits to our relationship in terms of intimacy, emotional fulfillment, and our sex life.

Physical wounds heal quickly. Emotional ones are slower and more painful. Yet trust can always be regained.

Safewords in CNC Relationships

Can a CNC ("consensual non-consent") relationship have a safeword?

My answer is yes.

I know CNC relationships don't have to have safewords. I know some people who feel that a slave or sub having a safeword means the Dom does not have total control. Hence the quote, "A slave with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees." I know some Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Dommes live by this and don't allow their slaves to have safewords. I also know slaves and subs who do not want a safeword and that is okay too. I'm not saying you have to have one. I'm just saying that I do.

My Dom wants me to have a safeword because he wants to make sure he never pushes me past the point of "hurting" me to "permanently damaging" me. He can't read my mind, and I think he'll admit he's not a super perceptive person with these kinds of things.

I want to have a safeword because, well, it keeps me safe. It makes me evaluate what is happening to me: am I upset or am I being harmed? is it in my best interest to stop this activity?

We have both agreed that my safeword is to be used in emergencies only, when I need it, and not just when I don't feel like doing something. It is a way for me to tell my Dom that I am freaking out and need to stop for my emotional health and safety, not a way for me to express my dislike of an activity we're doing (that's what fighting, squirming, crying, and begging are for :-D)

There have been times I have hated something he was doing to me (usually something that triggers me, like getting in my personal space too much) and was panicking, but as long as I could take it, I didn't safeword. (No, it's not about proving anything; it's about only using my safeword when I honestly need to.)

LoriAdorable and Rogue Bambi are both bloggers who have mentioned that they sometimes feel uncomfortable with CNC relationships because the sub doesn't have a safeword. They rightly point out that a sub could end up in an abusive relationship that way. I'm just saying that the sub can have a safeword. Those relationships do exist. Mine is an example.

Shows of Dominance

On my earlier post Dynamic Needs in D/s, a reader left this comment:

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

Can you explain the actual power and actual force that you want him to exhibit. I see this kind of complaint often but know one offering an example of what a solution would look like.

This is a good question. I am sure the answer is different for every sub or slave, but I'll try to explain the power and force I crave.




In the animal kingdom, animals show dominance in many ways. We humans are not much different! What do animals and humans have in common?

• They strut, posture, or "puff up" (I love when my tiny white cat does this!)


• They make threatening noises (growls and hisses for animals; tone of voice for us)


• They glare (same for animals and humans!)


• They go for the throat


• They go for the back of the neck


• They hit a "warning hit" (not to injure)


• When that doesn't work, they hit to injure

I like when my Dom uses any of the above. Sometimes it's just a fierce glare and a tone that brokes no argument. Once, we were on the verge of having a fight because he felt he should go help my dad paint the house and I wanted him to spend time with me. His tone did the trick. "I am going out to help your father," he said firmly to me.

"Fine! I'll just go shopping!"

"If you try to leave, I will start a fight in front of your dad. I am not scared."

Well, the tone worked. I made a pouty face and gave in, he came and hugged me, and he went out to work and I went and used my computer.

What are some other ways my Dom "makes me" do things?

Sometimes he uses his physical size to his advantage, even though he is not much bigger than me. He will hold my hands down or pin them behind my back. He will invade my personal space so I back down.

Other times, he will use the throat or back-of-the-neck technique. If he grabs the back of my neck and squeezes, just like a lion biting a lioness, I will squirm and then give in. If I'm being really out of control, he'll grab me by the throat, squeeze, push his face against mine, and threaten me in a low voice. That pretty much always works because it scares me and then I cry and give in. ;)

Animals will give "warning hits" without trying to injure. For instance, dogs will nip before they bite or cats will box each other before they pull out the claws and teeth. I think this is the equivalent of a maintenance spanking in DD or when my Dom will lightly smack me to get my attention. If my behavior gets really bad, though, he will spank me for real--until it really hurts. Of course, he has always been careful not to injure me or leave permanent marks or bruises.

And sometimes, it's more simple than that. He will stop, look me in the eyes, and say, "You'd better do what I say, or else ____________."

My brain does a fast computation of the risk (is doing X worth receiving the punishment Y? Is he bluffing or will he really follow through?) and usually, I give in, because usually, I decide that it's not worth whatever punishment he's threatening.

And that is what I mean by saying "He makes me."

What Masters Look for in Subs

Since yesterday I did a post on what I look for in a dominant, it seemed only fair to do some research into what folks on the interwebs are looking for in a sub.

If I were looking for a sub, I wouldn't actually start looking for obedience or submission right away. This would overlook a lot of new or untrained subs who may not be able to exhibit those qualities yet. Looking for a "submissive personality" also presupposes that women and men with dominant, assertive personalities cannot make good subs or slaves, an attitude I completely disagree with.

What I would look for would be honesty, self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to learn. Even the most assertive person can learn to exhibit submission, if they desire it, but the willingness to learn and the ability to introspect and communicate openly have to be there.

What do actual Masters and Mistresses look for in subs?

I found a good article by Mistress Constance. She seems to suffer from the same problems a lot of new subs do on the internet: people writing her, wanting to be in a relationship with her before they really know her, talking only about BDSM. It's important to remember that in a BDSM relationship, most of you time is just going to be spent being vanilla. Things like jobs, family, kids, housework, errands, and bills don't disappear so as to kindly allow you the freedom to do nothing but lock yourself in the bedroom and play with chains and whips all day. You have find someone that has similar interests and values as you, and not just as it relates to BDSM.

Also, a sub should not be completely self-absorbed. It's great to know what you want and need from a relationship, but if you come in to a potential Dominant and can only say what you want to get out of the relationship, not what you can give to it, why would that Dom be interested in you in the first place?

I do disagree with Ms. Constance that a sub with a long list of limits is a turn off. She says:

If, instead, you have long laundry lists of limits, perhaps this isn't the
lifestyle for you. I've had novice submissives tell me that their limits were
absolutely no pain, absolutely no bondage, absolutely nothing at all in a public
setting where anyone else might ever know that they were submissive, and that,
in return for this carte blanche, they would be willing to "help out" with the
housework. Oh, and I could, if we lived far enough apart, have other
relationships. It doesn't work that way. You should know your limits, but if
you're unwilling to explore any of the darker sides of this dynamic, perhaps
this is a poor choice for you.

Personally, I think that's a bit harsh. The hypothetical sub in question sounds like a newbie to me more than a sub who just isn't cut out for BDSM. For a new sub who is just exploring new desires, there may be a lot of "limits" just as a measure of self-protection. I think as a sub learns and grows, hard limits may gradually become soft limits and then eventually not limits at all.

Raven Shadowborne also points out that necessary qualities in a sub are ability to control yourself and obedience. If you can't control yourself, your Dom will be constantly trying to keep you in line with no help from you. It takes both of you to make sure you stay within the parameters of the boundaries your Dom has set.

Attitude, understanding, and selfishness are more desirable submissive qualities listed in an article by Jack Peacock. Like I said before, even the most headstrong individual can be conquered by the right person if he or she has the right attitude about it. You have to be willing to be conquered.

Understanding is also important because Doms, Masters, HoHs, and Mistresses are not perfect. They will have off days. They will disappoint you. Your BDSM dreams will not turn out to be all that you hoped they would be when you first delved into this lifestyle. We need to be understanding that sometimes our Perfect Man or Woman will not be so perfect after all.

I don't think an exhaustive list of submissive qualities is possible, because subs vary so much in personality and style. Each Dom will want to find someone with the raw material he (or she) is looking for and then train that person to fit his standards.

What Do You Expect from Your Dom

I was taking part in a good discussion on Fetlife asking what we expect from our Dominants. It was such an interesting question that I decided to post about it here.

Expectations are important because they can lead to anger, hurt, and bitterness when there are unmet expectations. On the other hand, it's important to have standards and not just fall for the first psuedo-Dom who writes you a really sweet email on CollarMe that sounds something like, "Hello, my slut. I am your Master and you will obey me NOW. Send naked photos." Having expectations also helps you know what you want out of a partner so you can find someone who matches your style of kink.

As written on Fetlife, here are my bon mots about my expectations of a Dominant:

The basics: honesty, commitment, monogamy, faith, integrity, communication. Basically just being a good person, things I'd expect in any man.

The specifics, that apply not to "any man I'd date" but specifically "a dominant": consistency, strength, power, commanding tone/presence, follow-through, initiative.

I think it's important to note that what I expect from a Dom is above and beyond just what I'd expect from a man. I have certain standards for men that I would date or marry. They have to be smart, Christian, honest, etc. As you can see above, I think my expectations for a boyfriend or husband are pretty basic for women in my culture.

Being a Dom or Master, to me, is a step above being marriage material. This is a man who goes above and beyond. It's more work and more responsibility (and, I hope, more reward). This isn't just a man who loves you and is faithful to you and raises children with you. This is a man who does all that while dominating and leading you! He can change diapers with one hand and keep a tight rein on you with the other. He mows the lawn and helps with the dishes, then turns around and spanks you for being disrespectful. He is indeed a kind of Superman! (Maybe I should get my Dom some tights or something???)



My answer on Fetlife was pretty short, so I wanted to explore each of my "Domly expectations" a bit more on here:

1. Consistency. This one was my first response because, guess what?, we'd just been talking about it! Without consistency, I get grumpy. I start to do little test and then bigger tests. Then I get mad and I complain. I need consistency from my Dom so that I know I can rely on him 100% of the time.




2. Strength. What makes a "husband and Dom" different from a "husband"? Probably strength. You can be a good husband and father and be a pretty easygoing, passive guy, but you can't be a Dom without strength. A man who is a Dominant has not only the strength to control himself, but strength greater than the strength of his wife. He can also control her and their children. His moral and emotional strength are greater than theirs, so they can rely on him.




3. Power. This is similar to strength. Being strong is not enough if you do not also wield the power in your relationship. A woman can't just give you power and you let it lie there idly at your feet; that's not D/s. You must take up the power she gives you and wield it, use it, exert it.




4. Commanding Tone. This one is important to me. A good Dom can quiet a woman and quell rebellion with a look and the tone of his voice. I think having a commanding tone is something I really respect and look for in a Dominant.




5. Commanding Presence. When the quelling looks and tone fail, as they sometimes will, a Dominant does not just shrug his shoulders and think, Oh well, let her do whatever she wants. He plays his next card, which is physical presence. This can be something traditional like spanking or something much more subtle like a subtly threatening posture that only his wife notices, but she knows what it means and quiets down!




6. Follow-Through. I look for this in a Dominant because anyone can make rules. Heck, we all like to boss others around and dictate that the world go according to our desires from time to time! It's easy to make demands, but it's hard to remember those demands later and enforce them when you're busy and tired and would rather not deal with a rebellious, cantankerous woman. When you feel exhausted and would rather give in, let her have her way, and just go to bed, it takes a strong man to follow through on getting his way anyway.




7. Initiative. This is just the precursor to follow-through. Without initiative, your boat never sets sail and gets underway, much less drifts atide and needs the Dominant's follow-through. A Dominant should know what he wants, where he wants the relationship to go, and how he wants to get there. A man with initiative and drive can form a plan for his relationship and provide leadership to his wife and children. Without starting your first foot on that journey, leadership can never happen.

Of course, I'm not saying all Dominants have to do this. But these are the things I tend to value in a self-proclaimed Dominant man. They make me feel safe. When I feel safe, I feel free to be more submissive. With these things, I feel safe, happy, cherished, and loved.

Rape in Consensual Non-Consent Relationships

I've been thinking about the online article When Rape is a Gift over at the Taken in Hand website. This article is by The Boss, who has also written such gems as Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum, The Missionary Position, and Happy Living in Fear of a Man, and The Subjection of Women. If you are interested in Taken in Hand and haven't read these articles, you really should. They are some of my favorites.

When Rape is a Gift is such a powerful title, don't you think? It evokes emotions almost immediately. Usually, they are negative. And rightly so. Rape the way we think of is--a man or woman being forced or coerced into an unwanted sexual encounter--is a terrible thing for the victim. Whether the rapist is a stranger, an acquaintance, or your spouse, rape is a tragic event.

But what about unwanted sexual encounters within a relationship that is already defined as consensual non-consent?

First, a few words about CNC. I've noticed some bloggers lately who seem to think CNC means the sub operates without any kind of limits or safeword whatsoever. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but let me be clear that in my CNC relationship, I have a safeword.

If a Dom in a CNC-relationship commands his sub to have sex with him and she obeys, even when she doesn't want to, is that rape? What about when a HoH says he expects his wife to "be sexually available" to him at all times? Isn't that similar to rape? Or the tricky one--when a Dom in a CNC tells his sub he wants sex, and she says no and fights or begs or pleads not to, but he takes it anyway, is that rape?

All of the above situations are similar to rape. They are not legal rape because all of those situations involve consent. Consent is either given at the time (implicitly through obedience) or it has been given earlier (engaging in a CNC relationship). But to take sex from a partner who is unwilling at that time is still, on some level, a rape.

My Dom is understandably uncomfortable with me using the word "rape." This is because he loves me and would never, ever hurt me. He has shown nothing but respect for my safeword when I have felt it necessary to use it.

But when he wants to have sex, and takes it from me even when I may be kicking and fighting or pleading with him not to, this is what I believe the author is referring to in When Rape is a Gift.

Sometimes I don't want to have sex. Sometimes--and this admission will make me unpopular in the BDSM world--I will deny my Dom sex and fight against him. Sometimes I'm too tired or angry. Most of the time, it's because I'm feeling distant and defensive and intimacy is the last thing I want with him right then.

This morning, he took it anyway.

I said no and struggled to get away. He pinned me down. I struggled. I panicked a bit. Eventually, I calmed down and gave in.

I wouldn't advise this for those new to D/s or BDSM. My Dom and I have just recently begun exploring this limit of mine after years of communication and shelving it as a "hard limit." We've talked a lot about it. A lot. And he monitored me carefully the whole time.

"You can use your safeword," he reminded me at the very beginning. (Often, he reminds me of this because if I get panicked enough, I forget I have it. He has now started reminding me at the start of scenes.)

Later, he asked me, "How are you feeling?"

I had no words. I couldn't talk. I wasn't in subspace, but I was acting similarly: words weren't coming to me, I wasn't very in touch with how I was feeling, I wasn't sure what my emotions were. I didn't have that same happy/submissive/floaty feeling, but I couldn't answer.

I just shook my head.

"I need you to talk to me right now," he said gently.

I shrugged. Paused. (Normally he can't get me to shut up, I swear.) "I don't know," I finally came up with (brilliant!).

"Stop. Think. I need you to tell me," he said.

I squinted my eyes and searched the ceiling for an answer. Pause pause pause. He waited patiently. "I'm... okay," I managed.

He told me he loved me. He talked to me, because he knows (after months and years of talking about it, mind you!) that I need that verbal connection to stay engaged.

"I own you," he told me. "Nobody else. I want to own all of you. I'll fight for you. I'll fight to get those pieces back you've been keeping from me." (Have I been keeping pieces? Not intentionally... but he's right.)

Afterward, I cuddled him. As usual, I was full of questions. What did he feel about what had just happened? Had he liked it? Was it good? Was that rape?

"It's not rape," he said, suddenly uncomfortable.

I tried to explain that I didn't mean rape in a bad way; I meant rape in an okay way. He shied away from using that term. Rape seemed to him something done by a bad guy to a victim. He loved me, he insisted (I knew that). He was using sex as a way for us to reconnect because it was best for me, even when I didn't like it (I understood that, too). He didn't like it when I would fight intimacy with him, withholding myself physically and emotionally, creating distance between us. He had overpowered me because he knew it was best for us and our relationship. He was doing his part to lead us, ensuring I didn't hijack our marriage by creating and maintaining distances that weren't supposed to be there.

All this was true. I could have used my safeword at any time if I had had a flashback to abuse or completely flipped out and needed to stop. He was using sex to bring us closer, not tear me down.

And he was right. I did feel closer. I can't claim I liked the sex--or being forced into it--but he broke down my walls. We cuddled afterward. I talked a lot more. I finally felt relaxed and safe, connected to my Dom, not sad and distant and anxious about every little thing. I started the morning with a happy smile on my face. It re-centered me.

In the short term, it may have looked like rape. But in the long term, I had already given my consent to a CNC relationship with this man I knew and trusted. We had worked long and hard and stumbled through many potholes and roadblocks to build the knowledge of each other that allowed him to push past my boundaries safely and sanely.

I didn't like it at the time. But he is the leader of our household and the ultimate decision was his.

Sense of Humor Required

Sometimes, my husband is able to give me so much grace in our relationship. Lately, even when I test and struggle, he always usually engages and wins. I'm starting to struggle against him less. We're starting to have more peace in our relationship. I respect him more and our sex life is better than I ever thought it would be.

Even so, D/s in real life isn't the same as D/s in fantasy. Grace and forgiveness are still needed.

Let's just say his sense of humor still comes in handy.

Today, we had a great, amazing, awesome scene. As he left for work, adoring wife hanging on his neck and even packing his lunch for him, he smiled and said goodbye. "Goodbye, my little tester," he chuckled. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I know myself well enough to know that after we've delved into new and deeper levels of submission, the next day I tend to test him more. It's not that I mean to, but it happens. Apparently, he knew, too.

"You know?" I asked, looking slightly ashamed.

He just smiled. "That's what makes this real," he said.

I pondered how true that was. D/s the way you read about it on the internet and in erotica makes it seem so easy and seamless. The sub walks around in perpetual subspace and the Dom always demands--and gets--perfect obedience. They just waltz from flogging to training to commands to orgasm, a kinky merry-go-round without end.

But in real life, things can look different. I'll get mouthy. I'll get depressed and anxious. He'll be tired or forget to punish a "test." I'll accuse him of being inconsistent. He'll accuse me of not submitting. We have to work at TTWD.

It's real-life, 24/7. It takes work. It takes mistakes.

Mistakes take grace and a sense of humor.

Today, he gave me a new rule. I'm to do devotional time, 10 minutes a day, 5 days a week. On the weekends, I'm to write a devotional journal.

I like this rule. This is the routine I had when I was a new Christian, and it worked well for me. I tend to get flighty and not pay attention in church, but I flourish with routines and written communication and taking notes.

I like the basic rule, but I don't like the loss of freedom implied in a "rule."

"Is this a rule?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Can it not be a rule? I used to do it on my own," I reasoned.

"It has to be a rule. If it's not a rule, you won't do it and I won't be able to discipline you for it."

Fine. Maybe this could be a "rule" in name only with nothing to back it up. I checked to see. "Will you punish me if I don't do it?" I asked.

"Yes."

I started to pout. My lower lip actually protruded. "Whyyyy?" I whined.

He grinned. "So I can give you something to whine about," he chuckled.

As he intended, this stopped me mid-whine. I started to laugh. He was right. My whining was not going to change anything and it would probably just get old for both of us. Luckily, my man knew how to use humor to diffuse the situation.

Suddenly, I didn't want to whine or complain. I felt cared about and protected. Dominated. Safe. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted sex! (This never happened before we started full-time D/s.) This man next to me suddenly seemed very sexy and powerful. He was looking out for me. He was giving me boundaries. Gulp.

I rely on his strength. On his consistency. On his domination and security. But I also rely on his grace. On his forgiveness. On his sense of humor. On his ability to see past the serious and find the laughter.

That is why we make a good team.

Do You Need a Training Résumé?

New submissives and slaves entering the lifestyle will find in a lot of the first websites you encounter via Google search about a mystical object every sub needs called a "Training Résumé." (I waded through those same websites when I was new, by the way... I have to say, most of them are utter crap.)

What is a training résumé? It's basically a record of all the D/s training you've had. It can be a tool you hand to a prospective Dominant so he can know you better, or something you use yourself to track your personal growth as a submissive. Ideally, it would include information on all your past D/s relationships, submissive skills you know, BDSM experience, related classes or events you've attended, even your goals and limits.

If you are interested in creating a training résumé, the Submissive Guide website has a good guide on how to start, including information on formats, what to include, etc. Luna K, the owner of Submissive Guide, will walk you through the process, including:

• how to start your résumé


• documenting your training history


• BDSM checklists


• Classes and convocations you've attended


• Your BDSM-related reading list

The danger here is that if you get sucked in by the myriad of crappy BDSM websites insisting you must have this training résumé, or even a well-constructed submissive resource like Submissive Guide, you can be tricked into believing that if you want to be a real sub you have to have a perfect little training portfolio.

Some of us don't need training résumés. Hey, if you want to do one, I have no problem with it. But I don't like the focus some sites put on having one. It isn't fair to new subs to make this seem like something they need to do, that every Dominant will expect.

If you are new to submission and plan to jump around from play partner to play partner for a while, trying out the field, then a training résumé might be a good idea for you. But if you are already in a vanilla relationship and are just trying to figure out how to make it kinky, or if you are a kinkster looking for a permanent, monogamous relationship, you probably don't need one. In the first case, you are already in a committed relationship, and in the second, if you're looking for permanence you will probably end up having a few serious relationships before you find it, rather than dozens of flings.

I don't have a training résumé.

Unless my Dom decides it would be a good project for me to start, I'll never have one. Now, if he decides on his own that he would like me to keep a portfolio of my submissive training, tasks I know how to do and tasks I still need to learn, my goals for personal growth, my past relationships, and kink-related books I've read, then I'll do it. I'm pretty good at lists, portfolios, and the like, and I really enjoy scrapbooking and such.

But for myself? It's not something I need.

Why not? Because I'm in a committed marriage with my Dominant. We're married, and our religion doesn't allow for divorce. I'm basically in this one for the long haul, provided one of us doesn't die young. He's the only Dom I've ever had and the only one I'll ever be allowed to have, so a training résumé just doesn't make sense for me in my position.

Therefore, if you're a new sub, don't get stressed out by what the websites say you "need" to have or documents you "should" create. Decide if it's really something you want or need, and go from there.

Face-to-Face Time and Intimacy

Now that summer is here, I'm finally getting to catch up on the sex blogosphere and all my fellow kinky bloggers. While perusing and stalking the D/s relationships of other bloggers, I came across this quote by Oatmeal Girl over at Submission and Metaphor:

How he ordered me to touch myself for the longest time, sitting before him, while he watched - watched my face, not my pussy, watched me arouse myself for his pleasure...

My husband is currently having me focus more on intimacy. Allowing myself to feel intimacy and closeness during sex, which is difficult for me (a textbook problem for victims of childhood abuse).

This quote shows, above all, an intimacy in the relationship between this submissive and her Master. Now that I'm paying more attention to intimacy, I also notice my lack of it--and this is one area that's hard for me: face-to-face time during sex.

It's one thing if he is staring at my body, but once he wants to look into my face, I get nervous. It feels uncomfortably emotional. Too... intimate. It makes me cringe away. I close my eyes, turn my face away, try to hide my face. Sometimes I even initiate a kiss just so he will close his eyes and focus on kissing me instead of watching my face, or I will hug him and bury my face in his shoulder. These are my sneaky ways of avoiding having him look at my face.

Looking at a woman's body during sex seems normal. She could mean anything to you or nothing at all. You could be looking at her as an object. But when you watch her face, it seems... more personal.

Having my Dom look into my eyes when I am receiving pleasure or pain is hard for me, but it's a step closer to becoming comfortable with intimacy.

Maybe getting to that level is something I can aspire to in the future.

Sexy Showers and D/s questions

My Dom and I are trying, still again, to find the right balance to our D/s dynamic.

It can be really hard. D/s is just like any other aspect of our lives: our marriage, our sex life, our D/s dynamic, our finances. It takes a while of jiggling things around and talking and fighting and complaining and communicating and changing things until we find a vibe that fits right for both of us. I feel like, by now, we've gotten the marriage part figured out. We had trouble adjusting at the beginning but now we've settled into a groove that works for both of us. But the sex and D/s part? Those are more difficult.

They are definitely improving, don't get me wrong. But sometimes we see things differently. We are trying to create our own brand of D/s that is as full-time or part-time, as intense or laid back, as we want it. We are also trying to maintain D/s that fits us as Christians. While we've explored CDD and Taken in Hand, and those are very similar to what we want, I think what we're leaning toward lately is a bit closer to traditional D/s, only with a Christian dynamic.

It doesn't help when we argue about it or fight over whose fault it is that we don't have a perfect romance book-style D/s relationship. This is usually my fault, but the other night he told me he didn't think I was capable of D/s because I'm too emotionally inconsistent and getting a taste of my own medicine really hurt my feelings. Why bother to work at building a kind of relationship your partner doesn't even think you're capable of? Yet, as with so many things in a marriage, it is easy to turn to blaming others when things don't go right instead of communicating.

While I tend to complain and blame more, it's also hard because he doesn't communicate as well or as readily as I do. He doesn't feel the need for constant talking about our D/s relationship to maintain it that way I do. He is a man of actions, while I am a woman of words. Of course I want actions too, such as him following through with what he says he'll do, but I prefer to have the words first. If I'm not clearly given a command or specifically told what to do or not do, and then he punishes me for not doing it, I feel it is unfair since the expectations were not clearly, VERBALLY, stated.

My Dom sees a D/s relationship as one where the sub submits readily; I see it as one where I am forced to submit. Both these are valid kinds of submission; for instance, CDD is more similar to what my husband wants, and Taken in Hand is more similar to what I want, and I've seen BDSM-style D/s relationships that work both ways, although I think they are more often what my Dom prefers.

My Dom thinks scenes and domination should just happen organically and not seem too forced; I want to be in fairly constantly communication about our D/s and work at it all the time to make sure we sustain the lifestyle 100% of the time and not just when it "happens."

My Dom thinks a scene can be a success even if I don't like it. I used to think he was wrong, but now I can see his point. For instance, last weekend he tortured my nipples and spanked me for fighting him. I never got past my "mad-pissed-off-sub" headspace into my "calm, happy sub" headspace, because the pain escalated too fast and was never an enjoyable pain for me. I was just in a mood, I guess. I didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting pain, when it is such a natural reaction! I also didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting him, when the reason I was fighting was because he was accidentally pressing into my pregnant stomach and causing pain, but I couldn't tell him that due to the gag.

So at the end of the scene, I was pissed instead of calm, drowsy, and submissive. I thought the scene was a failure, but I was wrong. Although I didn't like the way he did it at the time, he still dominated me, and I still felt dominated, even if I was pissy about it. Later that night, I dressed up for him and wore more makeup than I had in a long, long time. I was more worried about what he wanted me to wear than before. I asked him what perfume I should wear and which eyeshadow color he'd prefer me in. At dinner with our friends, I got up and got him a plate of food without being asked. The next day, I acquiesced to sex even when I wasn't really interested, and afterward, I gave him head while kneeling before him in the shower and soaping his body with my hands. Instead of seeing fellatio as a chore, I actually enjoyed these actions, and was able to relax and let him slide farther down my throat than I had before. At the end of the shower, I even got him a towel and brought his clothes into the bathroom for him.

These actions are NOT things I'd do in my normal headspace. I'm not a naturally submissive person. In fact, my feminist mother would be ashamed I did those things at all. But I noticed that I was doing them. I wanted to please. I wanted him to be happy. And I wanted to serve him.

Obviously, I was wrong about the bad scene = bad domination. Just because I didn't like the scene at the time, I assumed it was not a success. Boy, was I wrong! We had the hottest time ever in the shower. The pain he caused me and the control he wielded had an effect on my psyche, even when I did not enjoy the pain, and it caused me to feel more submissive for the next day.

We are also trying to figure out questions like: What do we do on days when I don't feel as submissive? When he doesn't feel as dominant? How do we keep D/s alive all the time and not just in the bedroom? How can he make me feel submissive without causing me physical pain? How do I maintain that great "subby" feeling without getting sad and mopey 24 hours later? How do we maintain D/s in a non-sexual way? I'm in favor of more rules, but my Dom is more laid back and doesn't like to make and enforce a lot of rules like some Doms do. These are questions we are trying to find the answers to.

As always, you can expect I'll be blogging about the journey to find the answers. :)

Nipple torture

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Kink Keeps the Spark Alive

Even in BDSM relationships, keeping your sexual relationship new and exciting can be hard.

The good news is, the online BDSM community provides hundreds of sites with information on exactly how to keep your sex life interesting, fun, and kinky.

A lot of magazines and sites have really dull sex tip pages full of the same information over... and over... again. Seriously. Check out these sex tips from Cosmo, Men's Health, and SexInfo101. "Try a little hand lotion for a blow job... try somewhere semi-public... Star Wars sex positions... kiss her ears or neck (I mean, really?)... try foreplay with food...

Not only are these tips a bit overdone, but I think they're generally things most of us could probably figure out by ourselves.

With BDSM, it's easier to find truly kinky, out-there tips. Take figging, for example, where the Dom carefully peels a large piece of fresh ginger and inserts it into his sub's bottom, usually to make the sting that much worse while he spanks her. Or a drawn-out punishment scene, including not just spanking but also a lecture about what was done wrong, a warm-up, and maybe even some orgasms. There are dozens of ways to be tied up, not to mention all the gags and whips and paddles that can be bought or adapted from household items. There's needle play, role play, interrogation scenes, puppy or other animal play, cages, St. Andrew's crosses, suspension, leashes, forced servitude, and dungeons. Honestly, I think you can find just about anything online that will help keep your kinky relationship new and fun.

While I don't generally get turned on by spanking websites, I do find Taken in Hand and CDD sites to be very hot. While my husband isn't turned on by the idea of me as a pet horse, he loves the idea of me tied up and gagged on the bed. Everyone has their own likes... often, the problem is communicating them openly (even I get shy about telling my Dom what I want sometimes) and not being afraid to admit what you want. I mean, I try to tense up and hold my breath when my Dom gets close to doing something I want, but sometimes he still isn't sure what I'm trying to get him to do and I have to suck it up and ask for it... or go without.

So if you're over the cliché "tips" from vanilla sites.... go kinky. :)

Needing to Be Choked to Submit

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I did. I had a great time visiting with my family and both the Christmas services I went to were very inspirational (I went to one with my family and another one with my husband once he arrived in town).

Now we are back home for a few days before we travel again for the New Year holidays. I'm pretending I don't see the huge pile of boxes waiting to be unpacked. What boxes? Where?

Last night, my Dom and I were together alone for the first time in over a week. Say what I will about sexual liberation and all that, I just can't bring myself to have sex in my parents' house. My mother has an unfortunate habit of walking into my high school bedroom without knocking whenever she wants, and I think if we disappeared for 45 minutes they'd all know what we were doing anyway. No, thank you. So we had a nice time last night, got one precious hour of alone time before we had to put our clothes back on and say goodbye to the kitties again in order to head out to his parents' house and do Christmas celebration there. (Note: my husband forgot to tell me, when I left our house wearing a dress, tights, and boots, that his family wears sweats and jeans to their Christmas.... so I was a bit overdressed. Oops.)

When we finally got back, I was all ready to go again, but we were both tired and that makes us grouchy. My husband is a lot less dominating when he is tired or has been drinking; he sort of turns into just a regular man. While this is okay for our real life, it makes it impossible for me to get turned on in our sex life.

All I wanted him to do was choke me or yank my hair so I couldn't move. I eventually told him what I wanted, and he did it, but of course it isn't the same when your Dom is grabbing your neck to screw you because you want him to, and not because he wants to. It's somehow much less sexy.

So I have to wonder: why do I need restraint to have sex? I have several theories, which I will share here:

• Maybe I'm not "naturally submissive" enough to just lie there and take it. I want to be wrestled down and have it taken from me. Otherwise, I feel a bit bored by the whole thing. And it is im-poss-ible for me to stay interested in a sexual act that I feel bored and disengaged by. It's like he's just using my body, and my mind and heart are not engaged at all.


• I tend to disengage from sex, whether as a result from past abuse or due to my own emotional issues. Having a hand on my throat, or my wrists tied tightly and yanked above my head, or a harsh pull on my hair, helps me stay engaged with what is happening. If I don't have that "anchor" to sex, I float away from it and feel completely disengaged from my body. Not only is that not fair to my husband, but it's a scary feeling for me, and one that I hate, so of course I'd prefer to be roughed up a bit so I can stay "in the moment."


• Sex is often depicted as not as good for the woman as for the man. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I'd say it's true in my marriage that my Dom enjoys sex more often than I do. So if I'm not getting pleasure out of it, I might as well be getting pain or mental excitement out of it.... otherwise, why bother? Just give me a good book and a plate of warm cookies and forget the whole "sex" thing.


• I can't get turned on if I don't feel like my husband is being dominant. I'm not interested in vanilla sex... after my first taste of BDSM-style sex, I was hooked forever. This frustrates my husband, who is sometimes too tired to want to put the effort in for full-on domination, but mostly it suits our styles.

I'm not sure which is the reason, but my guess is it's a little bit of all of the above.

My two cats are sprawled out beside me, one on each end of the couch asleep like little bookends, both collapsed there with the complete abandon that only truly happy cats can attain. Maybe I should leave more often, if coming home again makes them both so happy and friendly.

I hope you all had a great Christmas! More ruminations to follow.

When being dominated is as necessary as breathing

This morning, as my husband prepared to leave for work, I rolled over and sleepily asked him, "Could you hold me and make me safe?"

I'm not sure why, but since my parents got divorced in my early 20s I've always felt safer if a man "squished" me, holding me tight so I can't move. Loose, half-hearted hugs just make me feel anxious and nervous---not safe at all. I want a man whose strong arms can embrace and protect me.

Normally in the mornings, I don't feel that needy. He crawled into bed and smashed me against him, asking if something was wrong.

"I feel sad... no... worried," I mumbled, not really sure what name to give the emotion I was feeling. Finally I murmured, "We didn't do anything dominating or submissive last night, so I don't feel safe."

And that was it. Some people do BDSM because it's fun, or kinky, or a change of pace. Others do it 24/7, because it's in the fabric of their being and simply who they are. Me, I engage in BDSM because it makes me feel safe, like someone is interested and invested enough in me to take the time to dominate me and make me his.

"Try not to worry about it," my husband said soothingly.

Even half asleep, I knew this wasn't a simple matter of not worrying about it. There are some things you can not worry about, and there are some things you need whether or not you try to worry about them. I could easily tell the drowning man to relax and "not worry about" his lack of air, but that wouldn't stop him from dying. That's how I feel about being dominated. I need it, not a physical need like air or water, but an emotional need, feeling safe and secure in my environment.

I wonder if my "feeling safe" when a man controls me in a good, positive way is linked to my over-controlling mother or my overly passive father. Maybe both. My mother loved me, but she controlled me viciously. Still, for all that, I had no doubt I was safe with her, that she would protect me with her life and fiercly too. With her around, I was safe from other people and myself. She wouldn't let anyone but herself hurt me. The two somehow got linked in my head.

Or perhaps it's because I saw my parents get divorced, a slow, bitter process that took place during the years I was forming my views on what love and relationships were about, during my teens and early 20s. By the age of 17, when I entered a bookstore I made a beeline straight toward the Relationship Help section. I poured over marriage help books and knew more as much about research on marital problems and solutions as most of the counselors and therapists I saw.

And why did my parents get divorced? Aside from my mom controlling, my dad was too passive. He didn't engage in a relationship with my mother. He did her laundry, cooked her food, cleaned her house, and drove her kids to practice, but that was it. It didn't matter if she was angry or sad or worried---he didn't engage in whatever was happening in her life. He was passive with me, too. I knew he loved me, but I also knew I wasn't safe with him. If someone attacked me physically or emotionally, I knew I'd have to fend for myself. Most of the time this person was my mother. Aside from 1 or 2 instances where my dad intervened, I dealt with emotional abuse on my own. When my father heard about what happened, he would sigh and say that I knew how my mother was and I should be more patient and try not to make her mad. When I had nail marks down my arm, he shook his head sadly and suggested I wear long sleeves to school the next day. (In his defense, I later accused him of standing by while my brother and I were abused, and he explained that he would often talk to my mother afterward and tell her not to hit or yell at us, but... is that really enough?)

To me, men slowly became nice commodities, good for paying for dates or doing housework, but not strong. Not men. Not warriors or protectors like men are described in the Bible and in the best literature, but mere baubles. If I wanted to be protected, I would have to do it myself.

This was driven home to me a few times that did NOT involve my mother. When I was about 20, out at a restaurant with my dad, an elderly gentleman sitting next to me leered at me suggestively and made a remark about how glad he was to be seated next to me. Cringing away, I looked to my dad next to me. He didn't glare at the guy or even bat an eyelash. He shrugged and said, "I guess he's happy to have a young co-ed sitting next to him." Even in the smallest ways, my dad clearly was not going to stand up for me, much less get offended on my behalf.

Another time, I was on vacation with my dad and I was sexually assaulted by a man twice my age. Without telling my father what had happened, I explained shakily that this person had scared me with unwanted advances and whatever happened, to please make sure he wasn't around me tomorrow. My dad utterly failed. The sexual perpetrator not only joined our touring group without a word of protest from my dad, but stripped off his clothes and went swimming with us, trailed me around the streets of Greece, and then joined our lunch table. My father did not say or do anything, except when he found me, huddled under a towel and unwilling to go into the water with the man wearing just my bikini, advised me to "Not let anyone ruin the day" for me. I snapped that if he thought the day wasn't already ruined, he had no idea what had happened, and flounced into the ocean, joined by an 18-year-old girl in our tour group who had noticed the older man's strange fascination with me and whispered to me that she, at least, would stay with me that day.

After the most awkward lunch ever, our tour group plus my unwanted would-be rapist, my father blithely eating and chatting, I was horrified to see my father get up and leave me the last person at the table. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that, my father up ahead chatting with new friends, the man I was trying to avoid, who had sexually attacked me fewer than 24 hours ago in his hotel room, hung back and tried to start up a conversation with me. When I furiously relayed this to my father five minutes later, he couldn't understand why I was so upset. Did I want him to be rude to the guy?, he asked reasonably.

The answer is YES. I wanted my father to understand how small and vulnerable and disgusting I felt. I certainly didn't want him to challenge the man to a duel, but he could have quietly led me away from the tour group and claimed we were having father-daughter time. He could have discreetly taken that man aside and politely informed him that he was making his daughter uncomfortable and it might be best if he left us alone for the day. In short, he could have protected me, instead of ignoring the problem and being passive, just like he did with my mother for years.

I know I'm rambling, but I wonder if these experiences contributed to my need to feel dominated and safe. With a passive father, I learned to stand up for myself, but I still burned from the injustice of it. Where were the men the Bible described, the men of movies and books and legends, men who were strong, brave, and protective? Men who don't leave you alone to fend for yourself when you are threatened physically or emotionally.

And so, perhaps I learned to equate dominance and power with manliness. (I understand there are many Dommes and Mistresses out there... I refer only to my own personal preferences.) So when my husband told me this morning "not to worry about it," that didn't make sense to me. Of course I want to feel safe. I want to feel like my husband will protect me from myself, but also from our parents, nasty coworkers, and uncouth friends. Whether it's an unexpected attack at a grocery store or a firework that explodes accidentally, I want a Dom who will protect me. Someone brave. Someone dominating. Someone with power. Someone in control of the circumstances.

That's just as important as breathing to me.

Blogging Rocks!

The sex education blogger community--one which I count myself lucky to be so involved in--is not, whatever people think, all about sex and weirdo fetishes. It's about researching a topic, interviewing experts in that field, and sharing your new knowledge with your readers.

Why did I start blogging about sex, kinky lifestyles, and BDSM? Because I think it's a fascinating area to research. It's certainly never boring! I've been very lucky to have been so accepted in the online sex community, and you can find me as a contributing author on Kinky Sex Link, Fascinations, FetLife, Adult Blog Hub, Formspring, in Babeland and Good Vibrations as a reviewer, and many other sites! I love blogging about sex-positive education.

Why?

I think it's important for people to be safe, healthy, and positive about every aspect of our lives. I also write a personal blog, a private blog for my husband, blog entries on Fetlife and Kinky Sex Link, a public activism blog, and a relationship advice blog. Why? Because I think all these topics are important enough to write about.

Sure, I'm prolific. I adore writing, so it's a great hobby for me. I also adore meeting new people and finding out all I can about their lives. Blogging is one way to do that.

So thanks, all you readers. To all of you who follow me on Twitter, leave comments, and generally haunt this site, thank you. I hope we have many more times together!

Media Watch Blog Attacks S&M

Media Watch Blog, a group dedicated to identifying and exposing hidden biases of discrimination, hate, or violence in the media and on the web, is now attacking BDSM lifestyles.

Honestly, I can understand where they get it. To the observer, BDSM can be scary--it's violent and often based on vast power imbalances that remind people of ancient days of slavery and women staying at home. But what is always clear about BDSM, in every site or book you read about it, is that BDSM is consensual and that both partners want it. Is Media Watch saying that adults who voluntarily relinquish power should not have the power to do so?

The article lists 10 "lies" about sadomasochism. I'm addressing some of them here.

Lie #1: Pain is Pleasure. The author claims that those who think "pain is pleasure" are enslaved by our culture's insistence that women demonstrate a love for others that is selfless and sometimes harmful to the woman. Well, obviously this author has never had an orgasm from being spanked or having her nipples pinched.

Lie #2: Sadomasochism is love and trust. This isn't a lie; healthy BDSM honestly takes a much higher level of trust for someone than a normal, equal-control marriage. The article points out (accurately) that there are many parallels between BDSM and cults, rape, and sexual assault. This is true, but BDSM is safe, consenual, and used with safewords. Power exchanges in BDSM are used for the enjoyment and betterment of both partners; this is never the case in rape.

Sadomasochism has to do with annihilation. Contrary to the popular legend that sadomasochism expands one’s sexuality, I believe that it restricts and ultimately destroys one’s sexual being. Subordination, humiliation , and torture are all means of deliberately destroying the self.

I have two problems with this statement. First, my experience with S&M is not one of annihilation. My husband does not seek to "destroy" my sense of self, but to encourage me to bare and accept the darker, scarier aspects of my sexuality. If I hadn't been abused when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't be drawn to BDSM, but I am, and this allows me to enjoy sex in a way that makes sense to me.

Lie #3: Sadomasochism is not racist and anti Semitic even though we “act” like slave owners and enslaved Africans, Nazis and persecuted Jews.
Okay, this one is weird to me. I've heard of BDSMers acting like parents, bosses, masters, lovers, and rapists, but I've never heard of any M/s relationships that compared themselves to enslaved Africans or Nazis and Jews. Africans were enslaved involuntarily; they did not put out personal ads on kinky websites asking to find a Master to match their true submissive natures. The Nazis were a group that hated the Jews and so tried to kill them; Masters love their slaves and so try to lead them.

Lie #4: Sadomasochism is consensual; no one gets hurt if they don’t want to get hurt. No one has died from sadomasochistic “scenes.”

Is it ever OK to consent to one’s own humiliation and victimization? I do not
think so.

Wait. A feminist who thinks females should NOT be allowed to choose their own preferences and sexual expression? How original. (::rolls eyes::) And yes, of course people have died from these scenes; I've never heard anyone claim otherwise. BDSM is dangerous; that's why we bloggers and teachers scream "Safewords!" and "Safety First!" Deaths and injury have occured. I've written about these topics myself.


Lie #9: Reenacting abuse heals abuse. Sadomasochism heals emotional wounds from childhood sexual assault.

A greater percentage of women “into sadomasochism” have histories of childhood sexual assault, than those women who do not participate in sadomasochism. However, sadomasochism obscures the real pain and abuse of women...Sadomasochism is a repetition, not a healing, of childhood sexual assault. Some have suggested that sadomasochism can actually be physiologically addictive.

Yes, I've heard that women with histories of assault are more likely to end up in the BDSM community. I've actually conducted a survey on BDSM and abuse with similar findings. However, there are many men and women in the community with no history of abuse. Whether a woman is healing or simply repeating her learned helplessness, if she is with a loving, permanent partner who allows her to enjoy sexuality the way she wants to, can this be wrong? Sure, I find it likely that my past experiences with nonconsenual power exchange, emotional abuse, and sexually manipulative men shaped me into a woman who enjoys being sexually submissive. So? My husband knows this and is careful with me. He is willing to do what feels "right" to me, no matter what society thinks. When I safeword, there has never been an instance where he did not stop immediately. In fact, even with past boyfriends, if I safeworded or indicated I was ready to stop, there has never been a time a man did not immediately respect my wish.


In all honesty, I think it's good that there are people out there writing thoughtful, well-documented articles against BDSM. With all the good and not-so-good BDSM resources out there, it's easy for newbies or wanna-bes to fall into BDSM and fancy themselves the World's Next Great Master or the Twoo Submissive Searching for Love. It's important for us to realize that yes, there are people who abuse BDSM and use it for violence, abuse, slavery, racism, and other bad things. I'm honestly glad someone pointed it out. But to pretend like that's all BDSM is? That's an obvious lie.

Wait, maybe we could add that to Media Watch's list!

Lie #11: Sadomasochism is harmful for its adherents.