10/27/2011

Other Bloggers: We're All in This Together

It's easy when I'm reading about other people's DD and D/s marriages to feel like their lives must be perfect and my marriage isn't up to par. I know it isn't true, but it's easy to romanticize other people's marriages.

For instance, Spanked Army Wife just wrote about how her husband found out she was playing in the snow when she was sick and is going to spank her for it. He texted her and made her go home right away, telling her she knew better than to play in the snow when she was already sick. And Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt has been writing lately about how she and Wonderboy are getting into newer and sexier elements of D/s and power exchange. Just in the few months I've been reading her blog, she and her husband have progressed from a couple skirting around the edges of D/s to a very confident power-exchange dynamic.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Not because I don't have my own power exchange dynamic that works for us. But of course, what my Dom and I are building together does not look like what I pictured when I first read all the stories of sexy, powerful men and meek, submissive women at Christian Domestic Discipline and Christian DD.

Every couple is different. I envy Mick his easy leadership style that comes across in his writing; I envy Stormy her husband's awesome resolve and ability to be firm, consistent, and insistent about their DD lifestyle. I envy Sara and Grant their longevity and the obvious respect they have for each other due to their years of experience in this lifestyle.

That doesn't mean I think these people don't have real marriages with real struggles. I see how Mick sometimes feels hurt by his wife, or how Stormy struggles with embracing her husband's style of discipline at times. I know Rogue Bambi and her husband are struggling with infertility and that puts a strain on their marriage. No one of us in this lifestyle has a perfect, storybook marriage. We're real people with real problems.

When I first found CDD, I thought for sure I wanted it. I romanticized the rules and regulations. I thought the stories about spankings by strong, confident Christian men were unbearably sexy. I wanted my husband to be those men overnight and gently lead me into being a submissive Christian woman.

Of course, if you've read my blog much, it didn't work that way. We had to carve our own story out of the stone, you see. You can't just take someone else's style and adopt it. You have to do the long, hard work of carving your own lifestyle out for yourselves. And the result won't look exactly like anybody else's.

I struggled a lot with issues, like my identity crisis as a feminist vs. submissive. My husband would be wonderfully strong and consistent one week and not the next. My visions of sexy spankings rarely came true; most of them time I hated them and felt angrier than ever afterward. I spent more, not less, time criticizing him for not being consistent enough. Then I got depressed and just gave up entirely. I made up rules for myself and then got depressed that he hadn't made them up for me and he wasn't enforcing them as strictly as I thought he should. He got angry that I was acting more rebellious and childish than I had before we started the power exchange.

It was hard, but it was worth it. My marriage, whether you call it D/s or DD or CDD, does not look exactly like Sara's or Kaya's or Bambi's or Stormy's or Mick's or Dauntless Vitality's or Dannah's or anyone else's. But it is similar enough to them that I enjoy reading these men and women's blogs and I feel a connection with these people, as though they are friends, maybe not in real life but in a sort of online community nonetheless.

We're friends, you see. I may not know your names or your faces, but I know something about your lives, and I connect to it. I appreciate the stories you tell and the lessons I learn from them. I want to support you and help you as best I can, by leaving supportive comments and praying for you when the need arises. I enjoy the relationships that develop in the comment boxes.

We're all in this together.

9 comments:

DannahB said...

Sexperts, I just love your blog. I love people who write about what they THINK and FEEL in regards to the lifestyle--people who take it seriously and work to find answers to the problems.

The blogosphere is stuffed chock full of tantalizing tales about sexy spankings and husbands that seem more like Harlequin heroes--but remember this--you are reading how SHE sees her husband/Dom/Master, which may not reflect a universal truth. We wives and subs tend to view our men through lenses of love and passion, which can sometimes distort the picture to an outsider.

It's all good. She should look at her husband as a hero, because he is--to HER. Just as yours is to you.

Having said that, I find some blogs tend to be "written for an audience". That's ok, and I read that type of blog too, but I prefer a blogger who can make me think or shares insight into TTWD, like you do.

So don't compare your writing, your life or your HoH to anyone else's. You are you, and your contributions are enjoyable, thought-provoking and very much appreciated.

Keep up the great writing!
Dannah

Conina said...

I enjoy the vast diversity of relationship styles that wind up emerging from the overarching umbrella of D/s / DD. It's always nice to know that you can't really do it "wrong," you can only do it the way that works in your relationship.

Sexperts said...

Conina, I totally agree.
Dannah, thank you so much for the much-needed encouragement! I miss reading your blog! Why did it disappear? :(

Sexperts said...

@Dannah, Wait! It has reappeared! Was it private or gone for a while or am I crazy?????

Either way, hurray!

MrJ said...

Reading your blog and other helps me understand my relationship with my submissive/spouse better. Differences, similarities, observations that make one think about oneself,... all very useful. They can be so, because, as I sense it, they are truly authentic and lived-through.
Thanks for sharing.

t1klish said...

I don't really fit in here since I'm not in a DD relationship. My man and I don't live together. Our relationship is just a "he dominates in bed" relationship, and that's all it ever will be. I was going to say, even if we were living together his dominance would remain only in the bedroom, but having gotten to know this man, and how bossy he is, I realize we never could live together. I literally came to that realization this exact moment.

From reading your blog, and several others, I've learned a lot. I never knew there were people out there who would actually want their man to tell them what to do around the house, for example, and punish them as if they're a child who ate cookies between meals. I'm an adult, and I'll eat cookies whenever I want to eat cookies, I'll clean when I want to clean, and I'll keep paying my bills through the mail. Nobody else will ever tell me what to do in any aspect of my life, except lovely commands like, "Get down on your knees."

But even though I don't actually fit in, I still enjoy your blogs. It's a fascinating break between all the time spent trying to earn enough money to keep a roof over my head.

Conina said...

t1klish: I think you fit in just fine, dear. Though that may of course be the pot calling the kettle black. If my husband tried to tell me how to live my life in general terms, I'd never enjoy it. I'd resent him.

pasthurt said...

Oh, Sexperts. It doesn't feel so perfect from this side of the fence. I think the writing always makes things seem far better than they are.

I'm obviously very happy with Wonderboy and how things are progressing in our love life, but it's also daunting. This is a huge change in how I see myself. That's why I write! :)

I like your blog posts too and I'm happy you've decided to not draw such a firm line between punishment and sex anymore. They are so integrated in our life that I honestly couldn't. And those are precisely the things that need adjusting and discussion!

Sexperts said...

@Pasthurt, I'm sure it's daunting, but by your blog I must say you guys seem to be doing great even with the struggles! I think it's amazing how he is open to commanding and owning you; many men wouldn't be. But I'm sure there are ups and downs for all of us in this lifestyle and it IS a huge change in how you view yourself, which is an issue I have struggled with and written about for years!