Religiosity and Polygamy

I think, after my last post on Monogamy, it's important to add that there are Christian kinksters who practice polygamy.

I wouldn't say most of them, but some do.

I think monogamy is the best reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church that marriages are supposed to emulate based on Ephesians 5:21-28. But I can also distinguish between anti-biblical (goes against explicit Biblical teachings) and extra-biblical (is not specifically mentioned in the Bible).

If you want to know what God thinks about gay sex (which is not the same as struggling with same-sex attraction) or premarital sex, it's in the Bible. There's no way to avoid that. But if you're wondering what He says about abortion or polygamy, it's not specifically mentioned. We must rely on the Bible's treatment of similar topics and how God wants us to live our lives in general to find the best path in those instances.

Personally, I think there's a strong Biblical case for monogamy. Not only does it better reflect the Church's metaphorical marriage to Christ, but it was God's original plan and ideal. He warns against it for leaders of Israel in the Old Testament and leaders of the newly emerging church in the New Testament. The first recorded polygamist was not a follower of God's will and it was not a story meant to be emulated or mimicked. Most stories of polygamy, including David, Solomon, Abraham, and Jacob, told a tale of woe and strife caused by multiple wives.

But God never expressly forbid it. He allowed it for many kings and leaders, so long as the relationship was validated by marriage and not just an excuse for premarital sex with random women.

Hence, I know some kinksters who practice polygamy. Their faith seems sincere, even if I don't agree that multiple partners is the best way to reflect God's will in our lives.

I asked my Dom what he thought about polygamy. We both have degrees in religion from a secular university, so I trusted his expertise. He told me, "I think God allowed it. I don't necessarily think it's the best way."

I am inclined to agree.

Monogamy

Every once in a while, someone's blog or online posting in a forum breaks my heart. Usually it is a sub, heartbroken and lost because her Dom wants to have sex with somebody else. Date somebody else. See somebody else. Love somebody else.

Some subs and slaves are not bothered by this. Some even want it. Those aren't the people I'm talking about.

It always makes me really sad for them. Sad because I'm in a relationship with a man who completely insists on total monogamy for both of us. It makes me feel lucky, and wish this sub could be lucky enough to find someone like I did. Sad because I can imagine how I'd feel in their shoes. Devestated. Heartbroken. Hurt. Lost. Alone. Unwanted. Unloved.

I don't think any man or woman whose heart yearns for monogamy should ever have to endure the hurt of having a partner want to engage in polygamy. But it happens.

It makes me sad.

I think the lies that culture, pop magazines, and tv tell us about men are terrible, terrible mistruths. Lies like: "It's natural to be polygamous. All men want sex with other women. It's normal to fantasize about other women. All men masturbate. All men watch porn. It's normal for a man to think other girls are hot. Most animals in nature are polygamous and so we should be, too."

I want to hug these women and tell them that it's not true. They have the right to expect fidelity and faithfulness from a man. They are enough. The problem is not with them not being pretty enough or sexy enough or not wanting sex enough.

I know men who do not masturbate. Men who do not watch porn. Men who do not want to have sex with other women. Men who are not interested in straying with their eyes, hearts, minds, or bodies.

I'm not saying poly people don't have the right to be poly. But it breaks my heart to see women hurt by a cheating man who wants to call it "poly" instead of cheating.

I think they deserve more. A man who only wants them. A man who is captivated by only them. A man who loves them the way God loves them.

I'm going to spend this post answering a really good question that came to me via a comment on my older post, Christians and Polygamy.

I realize this is a fairly old post but I was just curious about your view
on another facet. You state polyamory as "having more than one BDSM partner."
But what if someone engages in casual play with another but abstains from sex
and romance with that person? Just wondering about your input on this.

While I personally am a Christian who is against polygamy, the Bible never specifically prohibits it, and so I don't feel comfortable saying it's a sin or that God doesn't want you to do it. I believe it's wrong, but there are other Christians who disagree with me. (For a full summary of both sides of the argument, see my original post on the topic at the link above.)

The reader above made a very valid point, however. There are some Christians in BDSM who "play" with another partner but do not engage in any sexual behavior. Obviously, for some people, spanking or intense emotional feelings that come out during BDSM are inherently erotic, and for those people, engaging in those powerful emotional or erotic feelings with anyone but your spouse would be wrong (see the many Bible verses about lust and monogamy for an example). On the other hand, for some people I think it is possible for BDSM play to not become sexual or erotic or romantic.

My husband and I don't play with other people because, for both of us, the intense emotions we feel are undeniably romantic and erotic. When he spanks or hurts me, he gets hard. Obviously, neither of us feel it would be appropriate for him to spank or hurt another woman. That would not be "keeping our marriage bed pure" as Paul states in Hebrews 13:4, and we would be sinning. Although I don't get sexually turned on by BDSM, the activities my husband and I engage in do make me feel very emotionally attached to him. I feel submissive, loving, and very emotional about the bearer of such pain and pleasure. For me to feel those romantic and emotional ties to another man or woman would be a sin, and could easily lead me on the road to adultery. So we don't play with other people, ever.

1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to "flee from sexual immorality." Not just to wander away, or jog, or even walk briskly away. FLEE.

Flee: To run away; to escape; To escape from; To disappear quickly; to vanish

Obviously we aren't supposed to even dabble in anything that even might turn into sexual sin in the future. If it is even possible that you might become sexually or romantically attached to your BDSM play partner, you shouldn't even entertain the possibility.

On the other hand, some people really do not see all BDSM activities as sexual or erotic. People enjoy being whipped, spanked, or hurt because the ensuing release of endorphins feels good. Other people, even married Christian couples, want to learn techniques from experienced kinksters. If they believe they can keep BDSM play as something fun and enjoyable, not sexual, not romantic, and not dishonoring God, then in this case it's possible nothing is wrong with it. Of course, the couple should read the Bible and pray about it first, just to make sure. God will often very clearly tell us when our desires are from Him and when they are not.

If BDSM play contains no nudity, nothing inappropriate or lustful between the two sexes, then the Bible gives us no clear direction either way. It's probably safer to keep activities that have such a potential for emotional and sexual attachment within a monogamous marriage, but the Bible doesn't prohibit it. My only concern with this non-sexual sharing of BDSM is the potential for it to become inappropriate or sexual. Tread carefully and be sure you honor God with everything you do. Pray about it, discuss it with other trusted Christians, and search the Scriptures.

I hope this helps!

Polygamy and Christians

One of the most common aspects of BDSM is polygamy--called "poly" by many kinksters.

The majority of kinksters are poly, but I don't have specific numbers. Being monogamous is, at best, cheerfully tolerated as a "different" kink or, at worst, ridiculed by non-monogamous kinksters. Somo monogamists have reported being 100% welcomed in their local communities, while others have reported being snickered at or put down. It all depends on where you come from.

Being "poly" means different things for different people, but it always means having more than one BDSM partner. Some people are mostly monogamous but play with another person on occasion. Others have full-time houses where a Master or Mistress might have multiple slaves. In these cases, often there is an Alpha slave, and all other slaves fit into a heirarchy within the house. These are called poly households.

What really surprises me in many of these cases is that Christians in the BDSM community are not against a polygamist lifestyle. One of the most hotly debated topics on Christian forums is actually polygamy, polyamory, and its morality!

I'll state right off that bat that I'm for monogamy. I don't think sex or love should be shared with more than one person; I don't think it's the way God intended it. But I'll also admit that the Bible is not totally clear on this issue, and many Christians who are poly do have Biblical backing for their stances.

Below, I'll list the main scriptural verses and arguments used by both sides of the poly debate.

Pro-Polygamy

• Many of the patriarchs in the Bible had multiple wives or concubines, including Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon.
• In Exodus 21:10, God gave a commandment that if a man took a second wife, he had to treat them both equally in all areas. God did not condemn polygamy, but protected the rights of the 1st wife. Deuteronomy 21:16-21 also seems to assume that some people in the Old Testament had multiple wives.
• In 2 Samuel 12:8, God gives David Saul's wives as a blessing.
• God never forbade polygamy, and in fact blessed men who were polygamists (Abraham, Jacob, David, etc.)
• When Genesis 2:24 refers to being "one flesh" with one's wife, it does not state you can not become one flesh with more than one person.
• In 1 Timothy 3:2, Paul says overseers, deacons, and bishops should be "the husband of but one wife." This implies Christians not in leadership positions could be poly.

Anti-Polygamy

• God did not give Adam two wives, and seems to have intended marriage to be monogamous when He created it in Genesis. Polygamy does not appear in the Bible until Lamech took two wives. Genesis 4:19-24 shows how Lamech was a prideful, boastful man whose heart was far from God in many areas.
• When Israel became a nation, God in Deuteronomy 17:15-17 commanded that the kings not take multiple wives or other possessions to themselves. Multiple wives would have turned their hearts from God (and this happened to Solomon).
• God never approved of polygamy, but tolerated it. He may have blessed polygamists such as David and Abraham, but He also blessed murderers and adulterers like David. Forgiving and loving the person does not mean He condoned their actions.
• Matthew 5:31-32 shows Jesus saying God only allowed divorce because the people's hearts were hard. He makes it clear a man can only have one wife or will be in adultery, which is a sin. Jesus taught a monogamous style of marriage.
• 1 Timothy 3:2 shows that monogamy is God's ideal form for marriage by making Christian leaders uphold a one-man/one-woman union. The verse may not even refer to polygamy, but to the fact that a divorced man is not eligible for leadership.
• A man is instructed to "leave his father and mother" and become "one flesh" with his wife in Genesis 2:24. You can only become "one flesh" with one person at a time.
• Old Testament verses regarding polygamy reflect the Israelis' ancient culture, not God's commands. God permitted divorce, polygamy, and slavery in the OT as part of His people's cultures, but that does not make them morally acceptable.

For more info on the Bible and polygamy, please see Question 150 and BibleBell for views against polygamy. I've used some of their information in this article.

Got Answers also has a lovely piece on Biblical polygamy. Other non-poly sites that nevertheless accurately report both sides are Bible Truths, Apologetics Index, and EadsHome Ministries. Please see Polygamy of the Bible abd Christian Polygamy for information on Christians who believe polygamy is acceptable; I was unable to find more sites on this topic, but please feel free to let me know if you find more pro-poly sites that are professional and reliable.