11/07/2011

When I First Knew He Might Be Dominate

When did I first realize that my Dom might be a dominant man?

Actually, I didn't realize it consciously at first. I had never heard of BDSM or D/s or spanking relationships. But I think, now that I know those lifestyles and have had years to explore this side of myself, that I can look back at past boyfriends and see who had those qualities and who did not. Even before I understood what I wanted or even realized I wanted it, I was either drawn or repelled by some men's qualities.

At first, I was drawn to passive men because I was afraid too much conflict would make me end up divorced and unhappy like my parents. Looking back, the boys I dated were passive-aggressive and manipulative.

After a few years of that, I started avoiding the passive aggressive men and went for the "safe" passive guys. You know the type: the "nice guys." They were nice to me and good friends, but my relationships never had much spark. We spent a lot of time fighting because I couldn't respect them, and that in turn made me turn to disrespect and nagging.

Eventually, I dated a man who was the opposite of all that. He wasn't passive or passive-aggressive; he welcomed conflict and rushed right into it. I fell in love with his strength, his power, and his masculinity. Even though he was jealous and possessive, I was tired of being with men who weren't really men, and I looked at his possessiveness as proof that he loved me. Even when he was controlling, I saw it as strength. It was a welcome change from the wusses I'd experienced. However, this man had strength without controlling it. Eventually, his temper and need for control became clear for what they were. Yes, I was allowed to be the woman, I was protected and provided for and fiercely defended, but I was also treated as an inferior, yelled at, and controlled. Thankfully, I left.

Luckily, soon after that I met my future Dom and husband. I still wanted a man who was strong and masculine, but now I was wiser and knew to look for other things, like a man who could control his temper, who would protect me but not control me, or who would control me when it was for my good but not because he was insecure or unstable. I also wanted someone who could fight for me when needed, but could control his temper and not let constant fighting destroy our relationship. I wanted someone who would protect me, but also treat me with respect and value my thoughts and opinions.

Looking back, there were clues my Dom might be leaning toward D/s even before either of us knew what that term meant. He'd just gotten out of a bad relationship where there was no communication and the woman didn't respect him or share her thoughts and feelings. He decided he wanted someone more emotional and creative than she had been, but he also wanted someone who would let him lead and ultimately wanted a male-led relationship.

When did I realize he might be dominate?

When we were first dating, we had only kissed once or twice when I went to his house to visit him. When I left, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me goodbye. I liked it. :)

A few days later, I was kissing him goodbye at my car when he asked me to stay longer. I hesitated, but then said sure. Without a word, he swooped me up in his arms and ran with me to his backyard, where he pushed me down on the table and we had some more nice kissing before I went home.

When we finally started dating seriously and the kissing went from pecks to more intense, he liked to tug on my hair. It never really hurt, but to my surprise I liked it. Once, he stopped kissing me, grabbed me by the roots of my hair, held me inches from his face, and challenged me, "Why aren't you kissing me?!" I strained to reach his lips, but he held me firm by my hair and I couldn't reach him until he allowed me to. For some reason, I thought that was surprising but really sexy.

He took risks with me, too. Little things, like asking me on dates instead of expecting me to initiate things. On our second date, he filled an ice chest with my favorite ice cream toppings and surprised me with an ice-cream-sundae picnic at the park. He held my hand first and he kissed me first. He also initiated the talks about our relationship, like telling me when he wanted us to date exclusively or bringing along a book of conversation starters to one of our dates. I appreciated that he was confident enough to put himself out there and take risks in our relationship; it allowed me to be the woman and feel pursued, and showed that he was willing to initiate and lead the relationship.

Eventually, I realized that I had a guy who, although he was very nice and normal in most circumstances, would surprise me with something kind of kinky, like pulling my hair or talking dirty to me, every once in a while. When we made out, he tended to be aggressive and I tended to lie back and enjoy it. He told me later that when he pushed me up against the door, he could tell I responded to it, and felt encouraged to continue with his natural desires. He had never explored them before or really been interested in dominating a woman, but just little things like he tried with me seemed to please both of us, so he kept doing them.

Unlike me, he'd never been interested in being kinky or D/s before he met me. I'd had those desires, but without realizing what they were, since I was a teenager, but for him they were new. He was 27 and when he decided to try tiny things like pulling my hair or pushing me against a door to kiss me, he realized that he liked them and I responded to them. So he kept doing them.

Eventually, I started doing research on the internet to find out if we were some sort of freaks, and I discovered that there was an entire community who did what we did, but WAY more! I was so happy and relieved that we were normal, and that now I had more things to explore and learn, and deeper to go than I'd even realized. So I started this blog to share my journey and knowlege, and here I am today, 3 years later.

Those are the tiny clues that made me realize my then-boyfriend might be a tiny bit dominate. :)

2 comments:

t1klish said...

I've had so little experience that I can't contribute much about my history with men here. I was with my ex for 25+ years. We met when I was 18. He was very passive. We got along great as far as we had lots of interests in common and enjoyed the same activities, music, watching sports, etc. But he simply wouldn't initiate any sexual activity, which forced me to do it, and it was a turn off for me, and then he complained he didn't get enough sex.

The man I'm seeing now is very dominant, so very much the opposite of my ex, which I like, mostly.

I just wanted to say that I love how you come right out and say some of those men weren't like real men and were wusses. That is so politically incorrect. But it's the truth. Men these days are encouraged to be soft. Good thing we don't have real enemies at our borders.

Sexperts said...

I also feel so turned off when I have to initiate sex all the time! I don't mind it sometimes, but first I have to feel confident enough that I'm wanted so even feel comfortable initiating it. I definitely find it sexier to be pursued. A man who is too afraid to initiate is definitely not sexy.

And yes, it is not politically correct to say that men are wusses, but some men are! I am so tired of men complaining women don't like them because they are "too nice." No, you're not too nice--there is no such thing, my Dom is VERY nice--it's because you're a wuss! Women don't respond well to that.

At least I don't! hehehe