This week has been really nice.
We've been having kinky sex. And I've been sleeping better. Fewer nightmares, I don't even remember my dreams. It's so nice!
The bad thing is it wears off after only a night. If we don't repeat the, erm, performance, the next night, I don't sleep as well again and I get nightmares.
I don't know if it's the rush of endorphins afterward, or the high of subspace, or the feeling of being totally emotionally and physically drained and then taken care of afterward.... but it makes me sleep so much better.
The 300: Rise of an Empire movie really put me in the mood. That sex scene... just, yum. And when I kept re-watching the scene on YouTube, I kept getting lots of rape and forced sex scenes (from movies, not actual porn) in the suggestions section. So I kept watching and I was definitely mentally ready for some return to our old kinkiness.
He did not disappoint. One night he took me, forced me, hurt me, bruised me, bit me... and when I was done, he kept going. I felt like I was breaking apart at the seams. I knew I couldn't take any more, but he pushed me farther anyway. At one point he had me by my throat so tightly in the shower I almost passed out. And then afterward.... sweet relief. I sank into his arms and slept like a baby.
Last night he used and controlled me some too, but not so near to my breaking point. I was grateful. I still slept great. I don't get turned on easily at all by vanilla sex, but something about being controlled and forced to do things to him.... it really gets me.
Maybe tonight I'll get lucky again. ;)
Showing posts with label Aftercare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Aftercare. Show all posts
7/15/2014
7/01/2010
Aftercare for Low Blood Sugar or Shock
Aftercare is something many subs, and some tops, need after a scene. A scene can really drain you, physically and emotionally. You can be dehydrated, zoned, in subspace (which is like being high or drunk for me), unable to speak, or just emotionally zapped.
Don't believe it? Trust me. ;)
I've written about some basic aftercare needs on this blog before, including water, rest, warm blankets or towels, and lots of cuddling to reassure needy, insecure feelings. Heck, I've even written about some of our (extremely funny) aftercare mistakes when we were new at all this.
Aftercare is important because both partners can be physically drained after a scene. If there is blood, some Neosporin and clean towels are needed, and if there is stinging skin, a gentle massage or some Aloe Vera. You may also need emotional aftercare, especially if your sub has become a shivering, shaking wreck, is crying, or is so far into happy-fuzzy-subspace land that she can't talk.
My Dom is always good to ask me after a scene if I need water, since the heightened heart rate, extreme emotions, and sweating tussels can leave us both parched. Problem is, he normally asks me right after a scene, when I am still spaced out and want to do nothing more than burrow into my pillow and fall into a long, deep, exhausted, healing sleep. In those cases, I'll often just shake my head and try to go to sleep, not even realizing I'm dehydrated and not really caring if I do.
Sometimes, scenes can actually end up with a partner--usually the bottom--who is in something like shock. Yes, it's possible to die from untreated shock. That's why it's good to play with some extra things beside you BEFORE you start the scene, so you don't have to make a panicked trip to the store with a hyperventilating sub left gasping alone in the bedroom.
Subs after a really intense scene can find it hard to talk. (I do.) So you should know your partner enough to be able to tell when she is dehydrated (listen for sticky, dry sounds when they move their mouth) or dealing with depleted blood sugar.
According to the article Diabetes Mellitus: Its Impact Upon the BDSM Lifestyle, temporarily low blood sugar can occur after really intense physical exertion. A sub with this problem will have cold, clammy skin, bad pallor, dizziness, and eratic behavior. In this case, you want to have these things easily accessible to you:
- orange juice or other juice
- soda
- candy (not chocolate; it takes too long for the body to absorb)
If your partner seems to be going into shock, it could be one of two things: insufficient blood flow to organs and tissue after an emotional or physical trauma. Especially if you are playing with triggers, mild or severe shock is a possibility in BDSM edge play. If your partner has clammy skin, fast but weak pulse, sweating, and rapid, shallowing breathing, she could be going into shock. In this case, you need to give immediate aftercare, give water, elevate the feet, wrap her with warm blankets or towels, and call a doctor or 911.
It's unlikely that your play will elevate into life-threatening shock, but BDSM has that potential. It's best to be prepared. For less serious issues, such as dehydration, mild shock, mild hyperventaliation, or a hazy, dream-like state, you can treat these at home with cool water, warm blankets, soft music, gentle cuddling, tender ministrations, and speaking in a gentle, soothing voice.
Honestly, I've never gone into shock or hyperventilation, but I've needed aftercare. I love the feeling of being in subspace; it's a very happy and hazy place for me. However, my Dom understands that in that state, I can't talk much and I won't be able to safeword or ask for things I need, like water or cuddles. I can nod or shake my head, so he goes by that. He covers me gently with a blanket, curls me up next to him, and holds me, stroking my hair and murmuring quietly to me. For me, it's a wonderful way to come out of a scene and drift into sleep.
3/23/2009
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
If you've decided to try out Domestic Discipline (and please note that both of you must agree to this!), it may help to have an idea of what to expect during a typical punishment session.Before It Turns Into a Fight: Don't let it escalate into a shouting match. Yes, you both need to be heard, but fighting and screaming won't help. If a fight is emminent, use your calm, authoritative voice to say, "Stop right here. You need to go _______ to calm down. Then we can talk." She will probably keep trying to fight, but be firm and refuse to fight. Eventually she will storm away and sulk. Once you are both calmer, let both of you air out your disagreements, making sure you both remain respectful (even if she is emotional, she can be respectful). Then calmly inform her of what behaviors you did not like and what her consequence will be.
If It Isn't a Fight: Sometimes she will misbehave without it turning into a fight. For example, perhaps you've both agreed she must not spend over $_____ or she must stop drinking coffee (don't have her sacrifice anything you don't do as well!). If she misbehaves, simply say, "You know what this means. Please go into the bedroom and wait for me there." If you like, have her set out the implements for you. I prefer my Dom/HoH to get the implements out instead, as it gives me a terrible fright waiting for him and watching him get ready.
Before You Punish: It is up to you if you want her to strip down or you want to do it for her as part of the punishment. I personally prefer when the HoH instructs me to strip down to my panties and kneel over the bed. I can lay there on the bed for as long as it takes him to enter, dreading what's coming and thinking about what I did. Then when he comes in, I wait patiently while he fastens soft cuffs around my wrists (do not tie up a woman who does not want to be tied! I request the cuffs because otherwise I find it impossible to stay still during the spanking) and he removes my panties for me.
This is a good time to discuss what she did wrong. Examples include: "Do you know why we're here? Bend over and present your bottom. What did you do wrong? Can you tell me why you're being punished? Can you think of any good reason you should not be spanked?" This gives you a chance to clearly state what transgression occurred, for her to accept responsibility, and for her to give you a real reason her punishment should be lesser or nonexistent--don't let her out for no reason, but make sure you ARE punishing her fairly before you start smacking.
During the Punishment: Watch carefully for the phases she goes through.
- First she will try to hold out through the pain, because she is stubborn and strong!
- Gradually she will begin to show signs of distress. Some women will cry, others will scream, others will thrash, and others will beg and plead. You must know your own wife here--if she cries easily, don't let her off at the first sign of tears! On the other hand, if she never cries, don't keep going just to make it happen.
- Don't stop once you get her to tears or some other sign of acute pain. This is what a punishment is for. Keep going, without letting up or slowing down, and even hitting harder. She is going to start sobbing and screaming and pleading, but don't give up now.
- She will eventually hit the peak of her emotional response, called "fight or flight." At this point she is absolutely crazy with pain and will do anything to get you to stop. You are getting her close to where you want her! Watch carefully for her unique "fight or flight" response.
- Then she will start to submit. She may not be truly sorry yet, but she is in enough pain that she will physically and verbally submit to you, tell you she is sorry, and swear she's learned her lesson. This is up to you. Some women will mean it, but others will use their tears to fake it.
- I've read that you should keep pounding away at her (as long as she isn't seriously injured!) "until her cries go past the point of sincerity and have a ring of desperation in them."
- When you let her up, you will be able to tell if you've done your work. If she was faking it, she'll pop up all ticked off and refuse to talk to you. You haven't finished getting through to her in this case; bend her over again. A truly repentant woman will be sorrowful, clingy, remorseful, and emotional, probably clinging to you and sobbing apologies.
After the punishment: You can never forget aftercare. You must remember that this is for her good, because you love her, and not because you are mean or angry. This is a time when you must hold her, tuck her into bed, take care of her, murmur to her, rub aloe on her sore backside, and otherwise remind her how much you adore her and how you are not willing to see anybody--even herself--hurt her or put her in danger.
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More
3/05/2009
The BDSMer's Bedside Kit
BDSM Bedside Kit
1 box disinfectant baby wipes (to wipe skin and hands after play)
1 small towel (to mop up messes)
1 large towel (to place on soaked bedding)
6 bottles of water (for parched throats)
1 bottle painkiller (for aching muscles)
1 package extra-large ziplock baggies (to keep used toys after use)
1 knife (for removing bondage)
2 pairs sharpened scissors (for removing bondage)
1 bottle aloe vera (for soothing burns and bruises)
1 bottle vitamin E cream (for bruised skin)
1 cooling pack (to reduce swelling and bruises)
1 tube antibacterial cream (for treating cuts and punctures)
1 box multi-sized bandages or bandaids (for covering cuts)
1 set comfy pajamas for each player (to change into)
BDSM Flubs and Bloopers
I keep saying in this blog that mistakes are part of BDSM. The more you know, the more you practice, and the more you learn, the less likely they are to happen, but they'll still happen. From reading other BDSMers, I've heard hilarious horror stories of BDSM mistakes and slip-ups.... resulting in public humiliation for the wretched individuals when things went wrong. I've heard of a couple who had to safeword and opt out of a branding that they'd invited 50 friends to watch--a top whose bottom forgot they were playing the scene and public and refused to stop and finally had to be dragged offstage--people playing too hard with anal sex who accidentally shat the bed...in short, loads and loads of hilarious (albeit mortifying at the time) mishaps!
Well, I have one or two of my own to share.
For my first spanking scene, my Dom had prepared the before and the during... but I think he forgot to prepare for the after. He just assumed if he could get through the scene, it would all work out.
And I will say I was very impressed with his preparation! He surprised me with our first paddle, he practiced on himself first to make sure he didn't hurt me, together we researched spanking positions and techniques, and he bought zip ties for a kinky way to tie me up. He even had the knife beside the bed to cut me out. Everything should have gone smoothly, right?
Wrong.
After our incredibly hot scene, which began with me kneeling naked and tied on the floor and ended with me screaming in pain, my Dom tried to lift me onto the bed to move on to aftercare.
This proved to be Obstacle #1, since neither of us had forseen that, with my hands tied behind my back, it would be really awkward to lift and maneuver me. I could not help support my own weight with my arms, and he could not get a good grip on me because my bound arms were in the way. After awkwardly hoisting me up and half-dragging me across the bed, he left me to lie, helpless and still tied, on the bed while he began to provide aftercare.
Enter Obstacle #2. My arms were still tightly bound behind my back, making cuddling and "aftercare" generally difficult. Yet I'd just taken a huge beating, and was now trembling, lying limp and motionless, and I needed some TLC now. What to do?
My Dom grabbed a knife from the bedside table and started to cut the zip ties. It was dark and I couldn't see, but next thing I knew I heard an "Oof!" and he ran toward the bathroom. I was stuck there, curled in a ball on the bed in the dark, still tightly tied, and now getting cold (I was still naked) and quickly losing circulation in my hands. I heard much banging and rattling of cabinets, bottles being opened and closed, and water running. He called out to me, "I'm so sorry, I'm bleeding and I think I might need stitches!"
Great. The one time in my life I most needed aftercare, and he'd severed his finger. I could hear him rushing in the bathroom, trying to staunch the blood as fast as he could to get back to me. My arms and hands were going numb, and I tried to flex them a little as I waited, still bound and helpless, in the dark.
Finally I could hear him running into the kitchen, looking frantically for something else to cut my ties with. Obstacle #3... no backup plan. I tried to wait patiently, but with growing panic, as he fumbled through the kitchen. The lesson here? Always have backup tools for getting people out of bondage.
Finally he came hurrying in, where I was now way past the window for aftercare and feeling rather neglected. He began to cut away at my bonds furiously, and two seconds later I heard him cry, "Ow!" and suck his finger. Obstacle #4: our cheap kitchen scissors were no match for the zipties, and he was now bleeding again.
Ignoring his second severed finger, my Dom continued to cut away, til my wrists were finally released. I pulled my aching arms around me and curled up tightly on the bed. Briefly sucking his finger, my Dom quickly scooted in to snuggle me, belatedly stroking my hair and murmuring how well I'd done.
Then came Obstacle #5. Still bleeding, he asked me if I needed anything. Because scenes always leave me completely parched, I could barely ask for water. Of course, we should have known we'd need water after a scene, but had either of us thought of it? Nope. So he had to leave me again, this time to bandage his second finger and run to bring me water.
Luckily, no one was hurt or injured in our mistakes, and they were minor enough to be funny (once the blood had returned to my arms and his fingers had healed). Still, we've both learned that it isn't enough to have a great scene, but that you must have a great after scene as well, and for that to happen, we need to be prepared.
Well, I have one or two of my own to share.
For my first spanking scene, my Dom had prepared the before and the during... but I think he forgot to prepare for the after. He just assumed if he could get through the scene, it would all work out.
And I will say I was very impressed with his preparation! He surprised me with our first paddle, he practiced on himself first to make sure he didn't hurt me, together we researched spanking positions and techniques, and he bought zip ties for a kinky way to tie me up. He even had the knife beside the bed to cut me out. Everything should have gone smoothly, right?
Wrong.
After our incredibly hot scene, which began with me kneeling naked and tied on the floor and ended with me screaming in pain, my Dom tried to lift me onto the bed to move on to aftercare.
This proved to be Obstacle #1, since neither of us had forseen that, with my hands tied behind my back, it would be really awkward to lift and maneuver me. I could not help support my own weight with my arms, and he could not get a good grip on me because my bound arms were in the way. After awkwardly hoisting me up and half-dragging me across the bed, he left me to lie, helpless and still tied, on the bed while he began to provide aftercare.
Enter Obstacle #2. My arms were still tightly bound behind my back, making cuddling and "aftercare" generally difficult. Yet I'd just taken a huge beating, and was now trembling, lying limp and motionless, and I needed some TLC now. What to do?
My Dom grabbed a knife from the bedside table and started to cut the zip ties. It was dark and I couldn't see, but next thing I knew I heard an "Oof!" and he ran toward the bathroom. I was stuck there, curled in a ball on the bed in the dark, still tightly tied, and now getting cold (I was still naked) and quickly losing circulation in my hands. I heard much banging and rattling of cabinets, bottles being opened and closed, and water running. He called out to me, "I'm so sorry, I'm bleeding and I think I might need stitches!"
Great. The one time in my life I most needed aftercare, and he'd severed his finger. I could hear him rushing in the bathroom, trying to staunch the blood as fast as he could to get back to me. My arms and hands were going numb, and I tried to flex them a little as I waited, still bound and helpless, in the dark.
Finally I could hear him running into the kitchen, looking frantically for something else to cut my ties with. Obstacle #3... no backup plan. I tried to wait patiently, but with growing panic, as he fumbled through the kitchen. The lesson here? Always have backup tools for getting people out of bondage.
Finally he came hurrying in, where I was now way past the window for aftercare and feeling rather neglected. He began to cut away at my bonds furiously, and two seconds later I heard him cry, "Ow!" and suck his finger. Obstacle #4: our cheap kitchen scissors were no match for the zipties, and he was now bleeding again.
Ignoring his second severed finger, my Dom continued to cut away, til my wrists were finally released. I pulled my aching arms around me and curled up tightly on the bed. Briefly sucking his finger, my Dom quickly scooted in to snuggle me, belatedly stroking my hair and murmuring how well I'd done.
Then came Obstacle #5. Still bleeding, he asked me if I needed anything. Because scenes always leave me completely parched, I could barely ask for water. Of course, we should have known we'd need water after a scene, but had either of us thought of it? Nope. So he had to leave me again, this time to bandage his second finger and run to bring me water.
Luckily, no one was hurt or injured in our mistakes, and they were minor enough to be funny (once the blood had returned to my arms and his fingers had healed). Still, we've both learned that it isn't enough to have a great scene, but that you must have a great after scene as well, and for that to happen, we need to be prepared.
12/20/2008
Subspace and Subdrop--Warning! May Increase Pleasure!
We have written on this topic before, but only from a very distant, theoretical approach. I am writing now from a personal point of view.
I was just in and out of sub space less than an hour ago. My Dom had to leave to go to work, so I am left now, thinking dreamily about him. Luckily he was able to provide sufficient aftercare before he left that I am feeling fine. While I can get out of hardcore subspace in a few minutes, I'm finding it takes minutes and hours to completely come back to reality. It is like I have been asleep, and it takes me several hours to completely lose the groggy feeling.
Since I am pretty new to subspace, I thought I might help out fellow subs by describing how it feels for us newbies. I've heard there is a different type of subspace, brought on by an endorphin high after pain, and I've never tried that; this subspace is completely emotional.
Experienced BDSMers talk about subspace as though the rest of us should know what it is. But how do we newbies know? Honestly, the first few times I was in subspace, I didn't realize what it was. I just knew I felt very obedient for a while. I can best describe it now as an altered state of consciousness, similar to what you get from other altered states of consciousness: being drunk, doing pot, sleeping, dreaming, undergoing hypnosis.
How do you know when you are in subspace? For me, it feels very dreamy. My Dom describes me as saying I seem "zombie-like," although I prefer "dreamy"--much better image, no? :) As a sub, you will go from feeling quite normal and maybe even rather bratty and having a lot of fight in you, to suddenly very quiet, docile, and obedient. I'm a very mouthy, opinionated, independent, strong woman normally---but when my Dom puts me in subspace (usually by yelling at me or speaking sternly to me, like I'm a small child), I change completely. Suddenly I am obedient to everything he says. It doesn't occur to me to fight with him or argue with him. I am incredibly sensitive during this time. Things that usually turn me on, like insulting me or calling me names, will utterly devastate me in this mood. I feel like a dreamy, obedient slave, doing everything he says without question (or at least with minimal whining!). He is suddenly my entire focus of being, and without him to give me a command I would probably just sit dumbly and wait. Things that in "normal space" I would not do or find gross/embarrassing, I do without question now because he wants it. I feel needy and sensitive, and want 100% to please him, which is why any insults, harsh words, dirty talk, or hint of being angry at me or disappointed in me will send me into a spiral of depression.
I love being in subspace! It is a welcome relief from the stresses of the world. I am normally so busy being my Dom's equal, worrying about life and family and friends and maintaining a relationship, being a good worker and Christian and maintaining healthy balances and hobbies and interests. I am a go-getter, an achiever, and driven. Suddenly that all goes away, and I feel numb and dreamy, and nothing exists in the world but my Dom. It is all so wonderfully simple. I want to please him, and I am 100% in touch with my base instincts at that moment---stripped bare of society and pretenses, I am a needy, clingy little girl and at the same time a completely sexual, horny, bottomless pit of sexual desire I want him to fill. All the facades have been stripped away, and I am stripped to the core of my being for those moments: serving him and getting sex.
It is a highly addictive feeling! I find I crave it more the more I experience it.
Of course, what is not fun is coming out of subspace. This is called subdrop. Once I orgasm, or when he quietly says, "Okay, Pretty Girl, come back out soon," I know to start heading back toward reality. Once he says that, he just needs to wait quietly for me to drift out on my own. But then I sort of crash. I am overwhelmed with an entirely irrational paranoia that I do not please him. I get sensitive, sad, clingy, needy, and whiny. I ask him again and again if he is happy, if I annoy him, does he mind I'm being needy?, etc, etc, etc. No matter how many times he reassures me, I still keep asking. Luckily for me my Dom is incredibly patient and has never once gotten annoyed at this irrational and somewhat infuriating behavior. He normally just laughs and enjoys it, seeing it as one more way he has power over me. He will reassure me endlessly, answering and re-answering the same questions as long as I need him to. This is our version of aftercare.
Every sub is different during subspace and subdrop, and I can only speak for myself. The closest feeling to being in subspace is the feeling of doing pot, and the closest analogy for subdrop is having a really depressed, needy day. Subspace is fantastic; subdrop is not.
Even though I'm enough out of subspace to function normally after only a few seconds or minutes, the feeling drifts with me for several more minutes or hours. I've heard of other subs during this time who wrote incredibly personal, needy emails to their Doms, only to regret it hours later when they felt normal! Suddenly I understand that, as in this mood I find myself wanting to express my undying adoration of him, but most of the time, in our regular lives as a Christian couple, I just want to smack him for not being more perfect! LOL.
If you happen to find yourself feeling numb and wanting nothing more than serve your Dom, congratulations.... you're in subspace. If you're a Dom who has the pleasure of a sub who is ready and willing to serve your every whim, enjoy the pampering and power you receive during this time. And if you're not there yet, keep playing BDSM, and eventually it will just happen. Trust me. It did for me.
I was just in and out of sub space less than an hour ago. My Dom had to leave to go to work, so I am left now, thinking dreamily about him. Luckily he was able to provide sufficient aftercare before he left that I am feeling fine. While I can get out of hardcore subspace in a few minutes, I'm finding it takes minutes and hours to completely come back to reality. It is like I have been asleep, and it takes me several hours to completely lose the groggy feeling.
Since I am pretty new to subspace, I thought I might help out fellow subs by describing how it feels for us newbies. I've heard there is a different type of subspace, brought on by an endorphin high after pain, and I've never tried that; this subspace is completely emotional.
Experienced BDSMers talk about subspace as though the rest of us should know what it is. But how do we newbies know? Honestly, the first few times I was in subspace, I didn't realize what it was. I just knew I felt very obedient for a while. I can best describe it now as an altered state of consciousness, similar to what you get from other altered states of consciousness: being drunk, doing pot, sleeping, dreaming, undergoing hypnosis.
How do you know when you are in subspace? For me, it feels very dreamy. My Dom describes me as saying I seem "zombie-like," although I prefer "dreamy"--much better image, no? :) As a sub, you will go from feeling quite normal and maybe even rather bratty and having a lot of fight in you, to suddenly very quiet, docile, and obedient. I'm a very mouthy, opinionated, independent, strong woman normally---but when my Dom puts me in subspace (usually by yelling at me or speaking sternly to me, like I'm a small child), I change completely. Suddenly I am obedient to everything he says. It doesn't occur to me to fight with him or argue with him. I am incredibly sensitive during this time. Things that usually turn me on, like insulting me or calling me names, will utterly devastate me in this mood. I feel like a dreamy, obedient slave, doing everything he says without question (or at least with minimal whining!). He is suddenly my entire focus of being, and without him to give me a command I would probably just sit dumbly and wait. Things that in "normal space" I would not do or find gross/embarrassing, I do without question now because he wants it. I feel needy and sensitive, and want 100% to please him, which is why any insults, harsh words, dirty talk, or hint of being angry at me or disappointed in me will send me into a spiral of depression.
I love being in subspace! It is a welcome relief from the stresses of the world. I am normally so busy being my Dom's equal, worrying about life and family and friends and maintaining a relationship, being a good worker and Christian and maintaining healthy balances and hobbies and interests. I am a go-getter, an achiever, and driven. Suddenly that all goes away, and I feel numb and dreamy, and nothing exists in the world but my Dom. It is all so wonderfully simple. I want to please him, and I am 100% in touch with my base instincts at that moment---stripped bare of society and pretenses, I am a needy, clingy little girl and at the same time a completely sexual, horny, bottomless pit of sexual desire I want him to fill. All the facades have been stripped away, and I am stripped to the core of my being for those moments: serving him and getting sex.
It is a highly addictive feeling! I find I crave it more the more I experience it.
Of course, what is not fun is coming out of subspace. This is called subdrop. Once I orgasm, or when he quietly says, "Okay, Pretty Girl, come back out soon," I know to start heading back toward reality. Once he says that, he just needs to wait quietly for me to drift out on my own. But then I sort of crash. I am overwhelmed with an entirely irrational paranoia that I do not please him. I get sensitive, sad, clingy, needy, and whiny. I ask him again and again if he is happy, if I annoy him, does he mind I'm being needy?, etc, etc, etc. No matter how many times he reassures me, I still keep asking. Luckily for me my Dom is incredibly patient and has never once gotten annoyed at this irrational and somewhat infuriating behavior. He normally just laughs and enjoys it, seeing it as one more way he has power over me. He will reassure me endlessly, answering and re-answering the same questions as long as I need him to. This is our version of aftercare.
Every sub is different during subspace and subdrop, and I can only speak for myself. The closest feeling to being in subspace is the feeling of doing pot, and the closest analogy for subdrop is having a really depressed, needy day. Subspace is fantastic; subdrop is not.
Even though I'm enough out of subspace to function normally after only a few seconds or minutes, the feeling drifts with me for several more minutes or hours. I've heard of other subs during this time who wrote incredibly personal, needy emails to their Doms, only to regret it hours later when they felt normal! Suddenly I understand that, as in this mood I find myself wanting to express my undying adoration of him, but most of the time, in our regular lives as a Christian couple, I just want to smack him for not being more perfect! LOL.
If you happen to find yourself feeling numb and wanting nothing more than serve your Dom, congratulations.... you're in subspace. If you're a Dom who has the pleasure of a sub who is ready and willing to serve your every whim, enjoy the pampering and power you receive during this time. And if you're not there yet, keep playing BDSM, and eventually it will just happen. Trust me. It did for me.
12/14/2008
Feeling Needy After Scenes
Many subs (and Doms, too!) feel needy, clingy, sensitive, or mopey after scenes. This can be due to subdrop or topdrop, or it can just be because of the vulnerable, strong emotions sex and BDSM bring out. How do you deal with it?
If it is due to topdrop/subdrop, it just means your partner feels needy and blue because the endorphin high is draining out of his system. The pain and adrenaline you provided him gave him a rush; now his body is coming out of the high. Just like coming off a light drug, there can be a real low for his body. The best thing to do is provide aftercare, and we've already written several posts about how to do that! (See the "aftercare" link on the right-hand side of the page under "Topics in this Blog" for more info.)
But as a sub, sometimes I feel needy and clingy after sex or BDSM, even when no endorphin high was involved. This is not a physical drop, but an emotional one. It is still difficult to feel.
Why?
Sex is highly emotional for both men and women. Your body starts pumping lots of chemicals into your blood stream, making you feel lots of great emotions. But this can also make you feel overwhelmed. Even when I like the feeling of sex, sometimes I have a strange desire to cry, weep, or just curl up in a ball and be sad. I usually fight these feelings, but my Dom is a very caring, understanding man and he encourages me to go ahead and cry if I need to. I haven't been able to yet, but I appreciate the offer.
I've done research on this, and this is normal for many women. There are many reasons this can happen. One is that sex and love just heighten the feelings you were already feeling. Another is that sex can be very emotional and vulnerable, and BDSM often requires that I tap into my deepest emotions, hidden sad places, and darkest past secrets to bring sub energy to the scene. This is great, but also very overwhelming and sad for me. Another reason is that many women feel like crying, laughing, or screaming during sex, because sex is emotional. BDSM brings out an emotional response in people! Sometimes the emotional response doesn't make sense, but it is still what you are feeling. Sex can be especially emotional for women if their G-spot or deep within their vagina/cervix is being stimulated. This can bring along a very powerful, emotional orgasm because it seems to tap into a woman's core. And of course some of the things hidden at a woman's core deserve to be laughed about, celebrated, cried over, worried about, or talked over once they finally come to light again! We keep our strongest fears, joys, and feelings there, and if sex brings them out, expect a strong emotional response! If you are a man, the best thing you can do for your partner is to share this emotional response with her; whatever she is feeling, you will help her by feeling it with her, too.
One of the sweetest stories I heard was of a man who helped a suffering woman heal by experiencing her emotions with her. As he stimulated her G-spot, she began to experience strong emotions. She started to cry, and he felt sad with her. They mourned together; the man said that whatever she was feeling, he mirrored back to her so she knew she was not going through this alone. Later, when she started to get angry and roar loudly, he got aggressive and angry-sounding right back, roaring with her. And when she finally collapsed, crying and happy, he held her and rejoiced right along with her.
For those of us with issues of rape, abuse, self-esteem issues, depression, mental or emotional disorders, broken homes, or past hurts, sex and BDSM can often tap right into those deep emotional wells. I think this is, in part, why we are so drawn to BDSM! Here is a safe, structured way to play with our pasts, re-explore history, and perhaps mourn the loss of innocence or re-write the story with our own rules this time around. It doe
sn't matter if you want to re-do the scene on your own terms this time, or simply re-visit old wounds to give yourself time to mourn them and heal; BDSM and a loving partner can help you achieve this!
Whatever the reasons that BDSM makes us feel clingy, I know it is a common feeling. Often after any sexual experience, I feel needy and clingy for my Dom. I suddenly worry that I am a disappointment and worry needlessly that he is not happy, relaxed, satisfied, or happy with the experience. I go from a confident, sexy woman to a clingy girl in need of reassurance. In this mood, I need lots of physical affection, compliments, and words of affirmation. I tend to get really whiny, asking, "Did you like it? Are you sure? Are you sure???? You don't really think I'm a whore, do you?" quite plaintively. Even if I was enjoying the wild sex and emotional humilation 30 seconds before, now I need to be held and comforted.
In this mood, teasing, seeming dissatisfied, or continuing to play the Dom will devastate me. I feel super sensitive and emotional, and if he keeps calling me dirty or belittling me like he was in the scene, I start to cry. He has to be very careful because it can be hard for him to know when I make the emotional switch from "in scene" to "out of scene."
The best thing for me in this mood is to be close to my Dom; I don't want to be away from him. I need him to hold me, often cradling my head, and the more body contact we can get, the better! I need him to switch from the mean, sexy torturer to the nurturer. He usually rubs my head, tells me how good I am, reiterates tirelessly how much he enjoyed the scene and me, and keeps answering my repetitive questions as long as I need him to.
Other women say things they like during this time are physical contact, affection, compliments, and reassurance. Some don't want to talk, but simply be held or allowed to curl up at his feet. Some need to be cuddled or pampered by their Doms. You Doms are sometimes really good at playing the mean, nasty rapist, and while we love it, when we're done we need reassurance that you are still the same good, loving man who loves us as before. We want to know we're not a disappointment, we're not really dirty or slutty, and you are happy with our performance. We are subs because we like to please. Please reassure us that you are happy with us, with you, with the sex, with the scene, and with the world.
Tapping into all those scary, forbidden emotions for you is a rush, but can be quite demanding and taxing, and we need lots of TLC afterward. I know when I feel clingy and sad after a scene, I feel like I'm a failure and the whole world has gone wrong. The best thing my Dom can do for me in these moods is hold me, reassure me, and keep telling me, "All is right in the world, babe. The world is an okay place. Everything is fine, everyone is fine, the world is fine and you are safe. All is right in the world."
If it is due to topdrop/subdrop, it just means your partner feels needy and blue because the endorphin high is draining out of his system. The pain and adrenaline you provided him gave him a rush; now his body is coming out of the high. Just like coming off a light drug, there can be a real low for his body. The best thing to do is provide aftercare, and we've already written several posts about how to do that! (See the "aftercare" link on the right-hand side of the page under "Topics in this Blog" for more info.)
But as a sub, sometimes I feel needy and clingy after sex or BDSM, even when no endorphin high was involved. This is not a physical drop, but an emotional one. It is still difficult to feel.
Why?
Sex is highly emotional for both men and women. Your body starts pumping lots of chemicals into your blood stream, making you feel lots of great emotions. But this can also make you feel overwhelmed. Even when I like the feeling of sex, sometimes I have a strange desire to cry, weep, or just curl up in a ball and be sad. I usually fight these feelings, but my Dom is a very caring, understanding man and he encourages me to go ahead and cry if I need to. I haven't been able to yet, but I appreciate the offer.
I've done research on this, and this is normal for many women. There are many reasons this can happen. One is that sex and love just heighten the feelings you were already feeling. Another is that sex can be very emotional and vulnerable, and BDSM often requires that I tap into my deepest emotions, hidden sad places, and darkest past secrets to bring sub energy to the scene. This is great, but also very overwhelming and sad for me. Another reason is that many women feel like crying, laughing, or screaming during sex, because sex is emotional. BDSM brings out an emotional response in people! Sometimes the emotional response doesn't make sense, but it is still what you are feeling. Sex can be especially emotional for women if their G-spot or deep within their vagina/cervix is being stimulated. This can bring along a very powerful, emotional orgasm because it seems to tap into a woman's core. And of course some of the things hidden at a woman's core deserve to be laughed about, celebrated, cried over, worried about, or talked over once they finally come to light again! We keep our strongest fears, joys, and feelings there, and if sex brings them out, expect a strong emotional response! If you are a man, the best thing you can do for your partner is to share this emotional response with her; whatever she is feeling, you will help her by feeling it with her, too.
One of the sweetest stories I heard was of a man who helped a suffering woman heal by experiencing her emotions with her. As he stimulated her G-spot, she began to experience strong emotions. She started to cry, and he felt sad with her. They mourned together; the man said that whatever she was feeling, he mirrored back to her so she knew she was not going through this alone. Later, when she started to get angry and roar loudly, he got aggressive and angry-sounding right back, roaring with her. And when she finally collapsed, crying and happy, he held her and rejoiced right along with her.
For those of us with issues of rape, abuse, self-esteem issues, depression, mental or emotional disorders, broken homes, or past hurts, sex and BDSM can often tap right into those deep emotional wells. I think this is, in part, why we are so drawn to BDSM! Here is a safe, structured way to play with our pasts, re-explore history, and perhaps mourn the loss of innocence or re-write the story with our own rules this time around. It doe
sn't matter if you want to re-do the scene on your own terms this time, or simply re-visit old wounds to give yourself time to mourn them and heal; BDSM and a loving partner can help you achieve this!Whatever the reasons that BDSM makes us feel clingy, I know it is a common feeling. Often after any sexual experience, I feel needy and clingy for my Dom. I suddenly worry that I am a disappointment and worry needlessly that he is not happy, relaxed, satisfied, or happy with the experience. I go from a confident, sexy woman to a clingy girl in need of reassurance. In this mood, I need lots of physical affection, compliments, and words of affirmation. I tend to get really whiny, asking, "Did you like it? Are you sure? Are you sure???? You don't really think I'm a whore, do you?" quite plaintively. Even if I was enjoying the wild sex and emotional humilation 30 seconds before, now I need to be held and comforted.
In this mood, teasing, seeming dissatisfied, or continuing to play the Dom will devastate me. I feel super sensitive and emotional, and if he keeps calling me dirty or belittling me like he was in the scene, I start to cry. He has to be very careful because it can be hard for him to know when I make the emotional switch from "in scene" to "out of scene."
The best thing for me in this mood is to be close to my Dom; I don't want to be away from him. I need him to hold me, often cradling my head, and the more body contact we can get, the better! I need him to switch from the mean, sexy torturer to the nurturer. He usually rubs my head, tells me how good I am, reiterates tirelessly how much he enjoyed the scene and me, and keeps answering my repetitive questions as long as I need him to.
Other women say things they like during this time are physical contact, affection, compliments, and reassurance. Some don't want to talk, but simply be held or allowed to curl up at his feet. Some need to be cuddled or pampered by their Doms. You Doms are sometimes really good at playing the mean, nasty rapist, and while we love it, when we're done we need reassurance that you are still the same good, loving man who loves us as before. We want to know we're not a disappointment, we're not really dirty or slutty, and you are happy with our performance. We are subs because we like to please. Please reassure us that you are happy with us, with you, with the sex, with the scene, and with the world.
Tapping into all those scary, forbidden emotions for you is a rush, but can be quite demanding and taxing, and we need lots of TLC afterward. I know when I feel clingy and sad after a scene, I feel like I'm a failure and the whole world has gone wrong. The best thing my Dom can do for me in these moods is hold me, reassure me, and keep telling me, "All is right in the world, babe. The world is an okay place. Everything is fine, everyone is fine, the world is fine and you are safe. All is right in the world."
12/03/2008
Training Your Sub (A Submissive's Perspective)
*Note: Labels for this post are highlighted in purple.
How, you ask, could a sub ever know how to train another sub? Well, for one thing, most subs are switches, which means they only sub part of the time. For another, only we subs know exactly what makes our brains tick, what makes us want to kill you, and what makes us want to kiss your feet. And third, I'm only a sub in the bedroom: I spend my adult life as a teacher, mentor, and tutor, so I have lots of leadership training. Training your sub is no different than being a parent or teacher: you have to be consistent, you have to be fair, and your sub needs to know you have his best interests in mind.
If you are just too "toppy" to ever learn from a sub, you can find my Dom's post on the same topic here.
In no particular order, here are my suggestions. Follow them, and you and your sub will develop a lifelong, happy partnership of amazing scenes, growing intimacy, and pleasure, pain, torture, whips, and orgasm.
Know exactly what you want your sub to learn: a specific "I want him to serve my tea at this temperature, in this mug, with this much cream and sugar" is much easier for you to communicate and your sub to grasp than "I want my tea done right." If you tell your sub, "Lie down!" this leaves us a lot of room for confusion. However, "Lie down on the floor, with your hands folded over your head and your legs spread apart" is a much easier command for us to follow, since we know what you want.
Immediate feedback is especially crucial when we do something wrong. This may shock you, but normally if we do something wrong, we did it on purpose to test you. Yes, your perfect little angel is just pushing your limits, seeing what she can get away with, and how much you really want to control her. So hesitation kills your scene. You must respond immediately. Don't threaten, just do. Slap harder than she likes, or spank hard with a paddle he doesn't actually enjoy. Never threaten, and never go easier on your sub than you say you will. That just tells us you're too nice/weak and we can walk all over you, then wriggle out of punishment next time. Needless to say, that is not the kind of sub you want.
Having a definite end is even more important. We can't read your mind, and often have no idea when you're winding down. You need to make it obvious! I know I have been terribly surprised when my Dom stopped hitting me, plopped on the bed next to me, and said, "I love you!" while hugging me. It is too difficult to switch straight out of "scene" on your sub like that. We need time so we know you are winding down, and can begin to slowly transition out of subspace and back into real world. Never just stop suddenly and say, "Okay, we're done!"
A gradual transition is necessary. You can have a certain activity that you always do last, so when you move to it, your sub knows to begin transitioning out of subspace. Some Dommes tell their partner, "Okay, you can pick one last toy for me to use on you," or "Pick a number between 1 and 10, I'll give you that many swats with the paddle, and then we can be done." This lets your sub know the scene is winding down without shocking them with it mid-scene. Subs need lots of time to recover from scenes, so make sure you have a definite space for winding down and then a concrete ending!
Want to be the best top ever? Go above and beyond the norm (cuddling, blanket, snack, and water). Some great ideas for pampering your sub are:
How, you ask, could a sub ever know how to train another sub? Well, for one thing, most subs are switches, which means they only sub part of the time. For another, only we subs know exactly what makes our brains tick, what makes us want to kill you, and what makes us want to kiss your feet. And third, I'm only a sub in the bedroom: I spend my adult life as a teacher, mentor, and tutor, so I have lots of leadership training. Training your sub is no different than being a parent or teacher: you have to be consistent, you have to be fair, and your sub needs to know you have his best interests in mind.
If you are just too "toppy" to ever learn from a sub, you can find my Dom's post on the same topic here.
In no particular order, here are my suggestions. Follow them, and you and your sub will develop a lifelong, happy partnership of amazing scenes, growing intimacy, and pleasure, pain, torture, whips, and orgasm.
Know What You Want
Confidence is key! Subs need to feel you know what you are doing and we can trust you completely. Even if you are unsure, fake it. Nothing is less sexy than a Dom who stops in the middle of berating you to anxiously ask, "Is this okay?" Have a definite goal in mind for your scene and know how you plan to carry it out. Have a backup plan, too, just in case you happen to be one of my many human readers and can't guarantee perfection.Know exactly what you want your sub to learn: a specific "I want him to serve my tea at this temperature, in this mug, with this much cream and sugar" is much easier for you to communicate and your sub to grasp than "I want my tea done right." If you tell your sub, "Lie down!" this leaves us a lot of room for confusion. However, "Lie down on the floor, with your hands folded over your head and your legs spread apart" is a much easier command for us to follow, since we know what you want.
Be Firm
This relates back to confidence. So many Doms and Dommes are afraid to be too firm or they might hurt our feelings. Trust me, if we didn't crave you having this sort of power over us, we wouldn't do BDSM! Depending on the scene, you may want to change it up from a stern tone, to a soft murmur, to a shouted command, to an angry directive, but no matter how you choose to boss us around, be firm! "Um.... lie on the floor....?" won't get even the most submissive of subs turned on, and for most of us, who want you to earn our submission and will fight you tooth and nail for it, showing weakness just won't cut it. We need you to be the mean, scary jerks of our nightmares, wrenching control from us and rewarding us with pleasure beyond our dreams. Weakness has no place in BDSM!Give Immediate Feedback
This is the most basic rule of parenting, teaching, or training. Feedback needs to be immediate. Did your sub do something right? Praise her for it. If you are playing the role of the sweet, caring Mommy or Daddy, this might be easy, but even the meanest rapist/torturer can growl out, "Yeah, that's a good little slut, you f**ing liked that, didn't you?" If positive feedback will ruin your scene, wait til aftercare time.Immediate feedback is especially crucial when we do something wrong. This may shock you, but normally if we do something wrong, we did it on purpose to test you. Yes, your perfect little angel is just pushing your limits, seeing what she can get away with, and how much you really want to control her. So hesitation kills your scene. You must respond immediately. Don't threaten, just do. Slap harder than she likes, or spank hard with a paddle he doesn't actually enjoy. Never threaten, and never go easier on your sub than you say you will. That just tells us you're too nice/weak and we can walk all over you, then wriggle out of punishment next time. Needless to say, that is not the kind of sub you want.
Bottom
No matter how "toppy" you are, you're not too good to bottom. In fact, the authors of The New Topping Book suggest that every top should play bottom. This is how you learn to top. In this position, you learn what you like, what your sub feels like during scene, and how to improve your own topping and aftercare skills. Feel you're too good to bottom? Get a reality check and a serious ego de-booster. You're not ready to top til you're humble enough to learn by doing. This also gives your honey a great way to show you what she secretly wishes you'd do to her, without hurting your feelings or making things awkward with a "you're a terrible lover" conversation. Both parties learn more by experiencing the challenges and thrills of a new position.Push the Limits
BDSM is all about pushing limits. If there's ever anything I don't like, it's men who don't push my limits. It's okay to push your partner's limits, even when they are scared, angry, or frightened: that's what safewords are for! If we really need to stop, we can safeword, or you can ask us, "Are you okay?" and we can nod or shake our heads. But usually, I play BDSM so I can be pushed outside of my comfort zone, kicking and screaming, and conquer those parts of me that I most fear.Know Your Sub
Okay, so sometimes subs get too scared, distracted, or incoherent to safeword. So, know your sub. Talk talk talk about scenes outside the bedroom! EVERY scene you try should be completely discussed before and after. Check in during aftercare, again a few hours or days later, and learn about your sub's reactions to what you did. This way, when he is in subspace, you can better care for him. Or, if she becomes too frightened to safeword, you can read her body signals and know it is time to stop and comfort her. The better you read your sub's nonverbal signals, body language, and facial expressions, the safer scenes will be for both of you.Admit Your Mistakes
Nothing is so unattractive as a leader who won't admit he screwed up. Assuming you are human, expect to make mistakes. Try to laugh them off, cry together, or pick up the pieces and move on. Sometimes a scene you planned won't come out right. This why you should be especially careful to plan beforehand! But even then, mistakes can happen, and you should be able to humbly admit it to your partner and apologize.Learn, Learn, Learn
Your responsibility as a top is great: you and only you are responsible for both of your safety during scene! In essence, it's like having a small child dependent upon you. To better handle this responsibility, never stop learning. The best way to learn is to practice bottoming yourself. Every few weeks or months, switch with your partner. The next best way is to communicate: after every scene, ask your lover what he enjoyed and what he didn't, and don't get defensive or egoistic about the things he didn't. Your sub's feedback is your best learning tool. Also, read sex books, learn about BDSM, and join online communities. Books and chat groups on BDSM are going to keep your topping skills honed and keep your sub from getting bored.Plan, Plan, Plan
BDSM is not something that should be done "on the fly." You'll both have more fun if you plan. Topping is hard work! You need to have a mental list of what you want to achieve. Have a general idea of activities you can try, and always plan for way more than you'll actually have time for; this way, if something you planned goes wrong, you can move on smoothly to the next one. No one wants you to be left standing there, whip in hand, looking foolish. If toys are involved, have them out, cleaned, and ready. Same with lighting, whips, restraints, costumes, lubricants, and aftercare materials (water, snack, warm towel or blanket). You don't want to lose momentum of a great scene to go grab a condom or hurriedly have to search for, find, and clean a particular toy. Your sub will appreciate you much more if you come prepared.Have a Definite Beginning, Middle, and End
For those of us who aren't in a 24/7 relationship, knowing when to sub and not can be confusing. It is good to have some sort of signal so both of you know when a scene begins. You can have a specific code word, play certain music, or change the lighting and music to start the mood. You can touch or look at your sub a particular way that he will understand means you're starting the scene now. Or, you can have a particular ritual that lets both of you know the scene is beginning and to help you get into your roles: having the sub get out and arrange the toys, gently tying your sub down, or having your sub kneel, kiss your feet, and placing a collar around her kneck. Something concrete, like having the sub put on a specific corset or wear a collar, can be a powerful symbolic moment that lets you both know when play has started.Having a definite end is even more important. We can't read your mind, and often have no idea when you're winding down. You need to make it obvious! I know I have been terribly surprised when my Dom stopped hitting me, plopped on the bed next to me, and said, "I love you!" while hugging me. It is too difficult to switch straight out of "scene" on your sub like that. We need time so we know you are winding down, and can begin to slowly transition out of subspace and back into real world. Never just stop suddenly and say, "Okay, we're done!"
A gradual transition is necessary. You can have a certain activity that you always do last, so when you move to it, your sub knows to begin transitioning out of subspace. Some Dommes tell their partner, "Okay, you can pick one last toy for me to use on you," or "Pick a number between 1 and 10, I'll give you that many swats with the paddle, and then we can be done." This lets your sub know the scene is winding down without shocking them with it mid-scene. Subs need lots of time to recover from scenes, so make sure you have a definite space for winding down and then a concrete ending!
Provide Great Aftercare
What does an exhausted and proud top do after a scene? Provide great aftercare. Don't start sighing 10 minutes into cuddling say, "Are you done yet? I wanted to watch the game/do the dishes/etc." Enjoy each other as long as you both need it, for hours if necessarily. Don't begrudge your sub this crucial part of lovemaking.Want to be the best top ever? Go above and beyond the norm (cuddling, blanket, snack, and water). Some great ideas for pampering your sub are:
- put the blanket or towel in the dryer before the scene, so you can grab it after scene and it is warm and fluffy
- draw them a bubble bath or a bath scented with fresh lemons (slice them and let them float in the water)
- have a quiet, relaxing cd ready so all you have to do is push "play"
- give a massage with baby oil
- take a shower together. Gently wash and condition their hair.
- Compliment them profusely on their role in the scene
11/23/2008
Safewords for Doms: Because Doms Are People, Too!
A safeword, obviously, is usually used by the bottom (or sub), to say that her limits have been pushed or the scene has gotten to real, scary, emotional, traumatizing, or painful. But tops (Doms) need safewords, too!
Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"
Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)
So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).
I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.
Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)
So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.
Be safe and have fun!
Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"
Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)
So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).
I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.
Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)
So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.
Be safe and have fun!
11/22/2008
Subspace and Subdrop
There are two important aspects of the D/s relationship that aren't very evident to the beginner. The first one I'd like to mention is Subspace. This is a change in the mind of the sub, which takes them into a trance-like state. I've seen sources state it's akin to mediation or hypnosis. It seems to be a certain type of head space that is actually therapeutic for the sub. It is possible during the experience to access places in the sub's mind where they were previously abused. Recreating these events in a controlled environment can be a way for the sub to overcome the past. It is also pleasurable, because the levels of endorphins and hormones present in the bloodstream cause a euphoric state. This is a difficult subject to write anything authoritative due to the experiences being very unique and individualized.
How do we get there?
Sometime during the scene, the sub will become more and more detached from what is going on around them. Sometimes the beginning of subspace will come at the first command and others will need a longer warm-up. Your job as the Dom is to continue issuing firm and simple commands. Always be sure to enforce discipline with your sub so they know you are watching and care about them. They will most likely try and resist, but you should be well aware of this. Continue on and don't give in when the sub becomes a little bratty. You will start to see the sub get more turned on and more compliant. The natural high your actions induce will be more and more evident. Eventually, the sub will start to obey commands without resistance and display traits of an out-of-body experience. Welcome your sub to subspace.
What happens afterward?
Now the second item I want to mention is subdrop, which occurs directly after you finish the scene. This is the natural depression that follows subspace. The body's own painkilling chemicals and morphine-like drugs start to wear off. The corporal and emotional pain you caused is starting to settle in the sub's mind. Your job as the Dom is not over once the scene is. You are now to follow through with aftercare (refer to my sub's great post for tips). Take care of the wounds you created and cuddle your sub. Communicate to them how much you love them and how special they are. Get them water and a blanket. You should treat your sub like a patient going into shock, because that is exactly what their body is doing.
Final Thoughts
The experiences for the Dom and sub during subspace/subdrop will be highly unique. The Dom will be in control from start to finish and experience the rush of adrenaline power can bring. The sub will receive natural high courtesy of their bodies and Doms. It is a useful state that can bring pleasure and/or healing. Doms should always give aftercare during subdrop. It is the most important step. Lack of aftercare could result in your sub doubting their trust in you. I think that in order for this to be a working part of your S&M routine you have to be open to it and create a comfortable environment for both people.
References
11/18/2008
Aftercare: An Important Part of Any Sex
We've talked a lot in this blog about how to terrorize and torture a sub, both mentally and physically. It is important to note that in BDSM, a sub derives some sort of pleasure from being frightened, dominated, hurt, or manipulated; it is never nonconsenual. Both partners enjoy doing something kinky and exciting. But I think it is really, really important to emphasize something we have not yet mentioned: aftercare.
Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of your sub after your "scene" is done! It does not matter if the scene ended with a safeword or just because you were done; aftercare is vital!
Whoever is playing the Dom or Domme for this scene needs to be prepared to give your sub aftercare. The human body absolutely must receive time to heal from physical wounds or emotional trauma. Even if it was all in good fun and both parties desired it, the sub needs this TLC from their Dom. The human body does not register a difference between pain the person wants to receive and pain the person does not want to receive: your brain still releases the same chemicals, and your body still goes into fight-or-flight mode.
If your play was especially dangerous or edgy, your sub may be in physical shock. Even if not, their heart will be pounding and adrenaline surging through their body, and they need you, someone who loves and cares for them, to take care of them now.
Some good activities for aftercare for subs are:
Of course, these scenes can be hard on doms, too. Even if they want it, it can be difficult for a dom to have to play "the bad guy." They have to yell, hit, beat, or scare someone they love. They have to play a role that society says is wrong, immoral, or bad. That can be difficult for someone to maintain for any length of time.
Some good activities for aftercare for masters are:
Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of your sub after your "scene" is done! It does not matter if the scene ended with a safeword or just because you were done; aftercare is vital!
Whoever is playing the Dom or Domme for this scene needs to be prepared to give your sub aftercare. The human body absolutely must receive time to heal from physical wounds or emotional trauma. Even if it was all in good fun and both parties desired it, the sub needs this TLC from their Dom. The human body does not register a difference between pain the person wants to receive and pain the person does not want to receive: your brain still releases the same chemicals, and your body still goes into fight-or-flight mode.
If your play was especially dangerous or edgy, your sub may be in physical shock. Even if not, their heart will be pounding and adrenaline surging through their body, and they need you, someone who loves and cares for them, to take care of them now.
Some good activities for aftercare for subs are:
- wrapping a warm blanket around them, as body temperature drops drastically when your body comes out of shock
- holding them and cuddling them silently
- stroking their hair
- giving them a massage
- bringing them a glass of water to rehydrate their body
- bring them a snack, especially if your mate has low blood sugar issues
- applying aloe if you've hit them hard enough to break or bruise the skin
- whispering quietly to them, rubbing their back, and reminding them how much you love them
- letting them cry, be angry, shake, or whatever they need to feel at that moment
- talking quietly about the scene, what they felt, what you liked, and re-sharing the intimacy of it together
- playing soft music, talking soothingly to them, reading to them, praying together, drawing them a warm bath, or anything else soothing
Of course, these scenes can be hard on doms, too. Even if they want it, it can be difficult for a dom to have to play "the bad guy." They have to yell, hit, beat, or scare someone they love. They have to play a role that society says is wrong, immoral, or bad. That can be difficult for someone to maintain for any length of time.
Some good activities for aftercare for masters are:
- rubbing sore muscles (if you've been hitting hard)
- cuddling and being held
- whispered words of love and loyalty
- sharing that you did, indeed, enjoy the scene and appreciate their efforts to play "the bad guy" for you.
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