Disciplining Your Wife

I get tired of websites that decry Christians being involved in BDSM or DD. I think when it comes to BDSM, other Christians are offended both by the kinky-sex element and the inequality inherent in D/s and power-exchange relationships. When it comes to DD, CDD, and Taken in Hand, other Christians are offended by the idea of power exchange, especially discipling your wife.

I've dealt before with the issue of being Christian and having kinky sex. I don't see a cognitive dissonance between the two. Within marriage, I don't think God dictates that couples only enjoy vanilla sex.

I'll deal today with the second issue common to both BDSM and CDD: wifely discipline. You can find this topic addressed in Jewish, Christian, and Muslim religious traditions.

Any site you'll ever read for or against Christians disciplining their wives will quote that all-famous and ubiquitous verse, Ephesians 5:21-27. If you don't know it, here it is:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5 clearly states that a woman doesn't need to submit to every man, but to her own husband. Yet advocates of egalitarian Christian marriages will try to invalidate Ephesians 5 by saying this means the man and woman are more or less equal, but perhaps he gets the final decision if they just can't agree, sort of like a 51/49 power relationship. While men and women are certainly equal in abilities, worth, and before God, this verse in no way makes them equal in power while on earth. A 51/49 relationship sounds nice, but it completely ignores that tricky quote, "wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Even the little stuff. Even if she doesn't want to. Even if they can't agree. So Biblically, I just don't think you can make a sound argument for a 49/51 power split. The man is in control, all the time. And with it comes a lot of responsibility to love your wife and create her to be a better Christian, "without stain or wrinkle."

Other Christians will try to explain away Ephesians 5 by saying that verse 21, "Submit to one another," means that God is looking for a 50/50, equal partnership. I argue that takes the quote completely out of context and ignores the following part. Rather, Paul is introducing his topic (submission). He then goes on to explain in great detail exactly how we are to submit: wives to their husbands in everything, children to their parents, and slaves to their masters.

What a lot of people don't realize is that Ephesians 5 is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other verses that clearly put the husband in charge of the wife. My Dom always says that troughout the Bible, God loves heirarchies. The angels are in heirarchies. The Israelite society has heirarchies. The Israelite army works in heirarchies. Families work in heirarchies. The chain of command goes like this: God, husband, wife, children.

Let's go beyond Ephesians 5 and see what other parts of the Bible have to say.

In Genesis 3:16, God said to Eve:

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Other translations say, "he will rule you" (GWT), "he will be your master," (BBE) or "he will have dominion over thee" (DRB). The meaning is clear.

In Titus 2:4, Paul gives women many instructions, including "to be subject to their husbands."

In Colossians 3:19, Paul tells wives:

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Like in Ephesians, he then follows it with a reminder of the man's responsibility to love her and treat her well. Nowhere in the Bible is submission a free gift; it does come with responsibility!

If you want to make the argument that Ephesians, Titus, and Colossians are all written by that misogynist Paul, I offer you a quote from Peter, another leader of the early church and Jesus' best friend. Peter 3:1-5 says:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands...For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.

Paul here is referring to Genesis 18:12, where Sarah calls Abraham adon, the Hebrew word for lord, master, or owner. It's difficult for proponents of egalitarian Christian marriage to explain away how the words lord, master, and owner can be interpreted the same as husband--but they try because it's no longer politically correct to think of your husband as your master or owner.

I think it's interesting that in ancient Jewish culture, the endearment husbands used to refer to their wives, achoth and rayah, literally meant "sister" and "beloved female companion," respectively, while adon comes from a root meaning to rule, and can also mean a soveriegn, a Divine or human controller, or a lord, master, or owner. One clearly had the meaning of power and authority, while the other did not, though both were loving terms.

If you're curious what other religious traditions have to say about discipline, both the Jewish Bible (aka Christian Old Testament) and Koran mention discipline.

I've already quoted the Hebrew Bible when it comes to Genesis. It gives husbands the right to nullify their wives' vows or forbid them from fulfilling a vow in Numbers 30:6-8, a clear indication of their power in the relationship. In Deuteronomy 22:28-29 and Exodus 22:16, a man who raped a maiden had to pay her father a dowry and marry her; in essence, he bought her from her father and she became his. The Hebrew Bible also compares Israel to God's wife and shows Him disciplining her, both physically and emotionally. One example I love (because it speaks mostly of God's forgiveness and mercy) of God's metaphorical "marriage" to Israel is Hosea 2, where He disciplines her until she repents and returns to Him, and then showers her with love:

“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.
Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.
I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.
Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’

These verses speak of God disciplining His wife, stripping her of privileges and punishing her until she has no choice but to return to Him, repentant. But the story ends happily; later in the same chapter, Hosea 2:14-19 says:

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.

...I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Just like every CDD and DD site says, the point of discipline in this Judeo-Christian text is to rebuke and exhort, teach a lesson, get rid of the negative, sinful behavior, and replace it with godly behavior. It's not just abuse. The end goal is reconciliation with God and husband.

In the Islamic faith, the Koran clearly gives husbands the right to discipline their wives in although other verses also clarify that husbands must not be abusive and must be loving to their wives. Here's Sura 4:34:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them first. Next, refuse to share their beds, and last beat them; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, great above you all.

The theme of discipline in marriage is just one I've been exploring and researching lately. Just because people in these cultures follow (or followed) these traditions doesn't mean everyone has to, but it's worth taking a look at where these concepts came from and how they are practiced today.

Oh, People Love to Make Fun of Kinky Christians

That's right, the media is having a big laugh at our expense.

I can hardly blame them.

Christians have developed a reputation for being anti-sex, anti-fun, and anti-experimentation. This isn't really fair, since fundamentalist Christians that fit that description are really only a small minority of the rest of us (10% of worldwide Christians, although they do make up 60% of U.S. Christians), but it's a pervasive picture nonetheless.

I know Christians who drink and who don't drink. I know Christians who get wasted and ones who believe it's only okay to have alcohol in small amounts. I know Christians who never touch the stuff. I know Christians who smoke pot, smoke cigarettes, have premarital sex, have gay relationships, live with their boyfriends, have anal sex, have kinky sex, and don't even kiss before they're married. Sure, some of us are sinning, but it still happens. We're pretty much all across the spectrum, but people assume we're all fundamentalists.

The Christian focus on not sinning makes us look like a bunch of people who hate sex and only advocate it within monogamous, heterosexual marriage (the first part is false, by the way).

So when we Christians have kinky sex, or write books about great vanilla married sex, the media has a hayday with it.

Personally, I enjoy hearing about the views of people who don't agree with me, although I rarely want to engage them in personal debate. Also, it's my "cheat day" from my low-carb diet, so that's reason to be happy about just about anything!

Want to read some people horrified at/making fun of kinky Christians?

There are posts on Fetlife where people say being into BDSM is inherently against Christianity.

The article Need a Good Spanking? Try CDD! claims:

With descriptions such as those, who could resist the pull of a Christian
Domestic Discipline marriage? It has it all: domestic violence, homophobia, and
the humiliation of women. I had thought my marriage, based on equality, mutual
respect, and openness was solid. I see now that I have let my selfish feminism
cloud my view.

I mean, you have to admit that fundamentalist Christians bringing about spanking is a little funny, given the way the world sees them.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Adjustable Nipple Clamps is another witty and satirical look at Christian BDSM. Poking fun, not at CDD, but at Christian full-on BDSM websites, the author quips:

But anyone who's ever asked himself, "WWJD with these tit clamps?" can find
godly direction and spiritual uplift clicking here."

I almost think that, since the general population feels very threatened by fundamentalist Christians trying to tell them how and when to have sex, they feel even more threatened when those same Christians seem to enjoy sex, even if it's (gasp!) kinky. It's hard to connect a church you've decided "hates sex and fun" so you can feel justified to ignore them and do whatever you want sexually, when those same churches you've stereotyped now have married couples practicing BDSM according to Biblical rules. It certainly breaks the mold of the "typical Christian," I'll give you that.

Even more laughs can be found at What Happens When Fundamentalists Get Into BDSM? I mean, everyone knows Christians can't have good sex and should be ashamed of the sex they do have (assuming they have sex, since so many of them have kids!). So obviously, Christians into spanking and kink must just have stolen good sex from "real" kinksters and slapped a new name on it. See below:

Pray tell, what shall you do if you are a fundamentalist Christian who is into BDSM? Well, you change the terminology and call it "Christian Domestic Discipline". Thereafter, you declare this as an "enhancement" for your traditional marriage.

As is expected, someone has spent a great deal of time and effort building a website dedicated to Christian Domestic Discipline. The webmaster is Leah Kelley and she declares herself to be virulently anti-feminist. Not only is she proudly submissive, she declares this is God's plan.

I can definitely see the point that is made about some CDD websites out there, include this critique from Beating God Into Her:

If it’s not a zany form of Christian BDSM, then the alternate explanation of CDD must be that it’s a justification for domestic abuse invoking a higher authority. That’s where it transitions from kooky to sinister.

Yeah. I mean, if women are using CDD and Christian kink to let their husbands control and abuse them, make them skinnier, or keep them from cutting their hair too short (as the article suggests), I'd say that's pretty crazy stuff.

My last laugh comes from Something Awful, one of my favorite fun-poking websites, who has this to say about Christian D/s websites:

Christians have long been missing out on the joys of BDSM, but thankfully some guy on the Internet is going to change that. He's tearing off a chunk of the secular BDSM world's skin, polishing it up, and giving it to Christians. Turns out BDSM is A-OKAY if you're a Christian, just so long as it involves a married couple and the female is always submissive. So get out those whips and chains and enjoy some good old fashioned God-sanctioned ball-gagging and anal torture. If you still have questions, this inexplicable FAQ should clear everything up.

Okay, that's funny, but Something Awful also writes about everything terrible on the internet, from people screwing dogs and their neighbor's cows, to sites that advocate mother-daughter incestuous relationships, to people who drink blood and pretend they're vampires. Do "spanking Christians" really fit into the group with dog rapists? I mean, really?

My only conclusion is that people don't want Christians to have good, kinky, fun sex. If we're trying to control them from having all the kinky, nasty, sinful, albeit consenual sex they want, then by golly, we should not be allowed to enjoy sex, either! How dare we enjoy sex within our boring, two-person, monogamous, lifelong marriages? Never mind that research shows married women in long-term marriages have better sex than our "sexually liberated," younger, single counterparts.

So when the movement that is known for homophobia, sexism, and religious intolerance starts having fun, nonconventional, kinky sex, well, that is just too much! Christians should just hunker down and have boring, non-existent sex like we want single and gay people to do.

And when we do something they don't understand, well, like most people do when they don't understand something... they fear us... they make fun of us.... and if that makes them feel better, good for them.

While they're writing a blog worrying about why devout Christians shouldn't be allowed to live out their ridiculous, scary fantasies, I'm enjoying mind-blowing sex with my husband. Oh well.

Christians Can't Have Kinky Sex?

Okay, I live in the Bible belt. But I'm still sometimes shocked and a little alarmed by the ignorance of my fellow Christians about their sexuality.

If it's not totally clear by reading my blog, I'm a Christian who engages in kinky, BDSM-style sex with my husband. I believe some BDSM activities can be a sin, but I think most of them are okay within a monogamous marriage. I was raised a Catholic in the Bible belt, so I learned just because a few evangelicals say something doesn't mean the Bible does. I was also lucky enough to be in a home that encouraged open and honest discussions of our sexuality, promoted healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationships within marriage, and was very open to any aspect of my sexuality that I wanted to explore once I was married to a good Christian man. My parents encouraged me to wait for sex til marriage, but they made it clear they'd rather me be honest and practice safe sex if I decided not to wait.

So sometimes, I'm just a bit flabbergasted by my Christian friends and acquaintances.

Case in point:

I was at play practice with one of my friends. Our theatre has hired three ballerinas from a local ballet company, and one of them was practicing her routine. Her flexibility, grace, and musicality were beautiful and astounding. She was so graceful and light on her feet! I was awed by the beauty of her dancing, her flexibility, and her control.

She executed a move where she pulled her leg straight up over her head while lying on her back, very similar to this one: but lying down. I whispered to my friend, "Wow... she is just so... amazing!" After a moment's pause, I added, "And her husband is so lucky!"

My 20-year-old Christian friend looked at me in shock and said, "Yes, but they're Christian, so I don't think they do anything kinky like that."

I had to sit and process this for a moment, just in case I'd heard wrong. I mean, it's "kinky" to have sex with your leg above your head?!? I wouldn't call that kinky or even a really experimental position. It's just a standard deviation from the missionary position for people with a little extra flexibility or who want some deeper penetration.

So what I got from this statement, is that the anti-Christian media and sex educators aren't actually lying about how grossly misrepresented sex is among Christians. I didn't know there were young people in our country who actually thought it might be a sin to have sex with your husband with your leg up over your head, much less bondage or spanking or (gasp) Master/slave relationships. But here she was, sincere and confused and honestly asking me a question. I didn't have the heart to laugh at her, so I endeavored to answer her honestly and seriously.

I told her, as an older Christian she trusts, that I thought the Bible didn't have anything against kinky sex once you were married. I said as long as the kinky things you do are consenual, they're fine, although of course one partner should not force another into kinkiness. She wanted to know if the Bible said anything against oral sex in marriage (it doesn't) and what I thought about birth control.

Finally, I said tentatively, "You know, I've seen some websites where... Christian couples have kinky sex, even... using handcuffs or maybe spanking each other."

She looked pretty shocked, but she listened.

Once my Dom picked me up from practice, I was deep in thought about this conversation. She is a genuine Christian, a sweet girl, and a very smart woman. But because (I assume) no one in her family or church has ever talked to her about sex, she really had no idea what was and was not okay for married Christians. My view is that God created sex and He wants married partners to have an awesome sex life. This is echoed in Christian books such as The Act of Marriage, And the Bride Wore White, Sex and the Soul of a Woman, and Who Moved the Goal Post?

God doesn't put restrictions on sex because He hates sex or thinks it is dirty or wrong, no matter what some churches seem to think. The restrictions on sex (don't have sex with animals/children, don't commit adultery, don't have gay sex, don't lust after your brothers and sisters in Christ, don't engage in sexual activity before marriage) are there to protect us, just like a parent who warns their child not to play in the street is not doing so out of a malicious intent to deny their child the fun of playing in the street. In all of the cases where the Bible forbids a certain type of sex, God is trying to protect the individuals involved from STDs, heartache, sexual abuse, and dysfunctional sexuality, or He is trying to protect other people from becoming victims (children, animals, or the spouse being cheated on). Rules about sex are there to protect and elevate our sexuality above animalistic screwing to sacred bonding.

Sure, there are lots of (non-Christian) websites either criticizing or making fun of kinky or D/s Christian sites. "Who would Jesus spank?" or "Wear nipple clamps for Jesus!" are apparently really funny slogans to these people. They love to make fun of Christians for being anti-sex, misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal, and boring in their sex lives, but that's because they don't understand the sacredness within a solid Christ-based marriage.

Until our churches start allowing sex education, at least discussing with teenagers what a great, fulfilling sex life can be within marriage, children are going to keep misunderstanding Christianity's message about sex. If we ignore the issue, kids get the idea that sex is secretive, dirty, and shameful. No wonder non-Christians think we're so backwards about sex.

So yes, Virginia, Christians can have flexible, leg-bending sex. They can even use paddles or vibrators or nipple clamps. Sex doesn't have to be boring and it doesn't have to be in the missionary position. And no, my husband and I don't make love between a thick blanket with a hole cut out of it and a stopwatch.

My Rant: Why Christians CAN be Kinky

Why do people think Christians can't be kinky?

I mean, cognitively, I understand it. I understand that people think most devout Christians are Bible-thumping, conservative, blue-state, pulpit-preaching jerks. There are many Christian leaders, politicians, and groups out there that have earned the rest of us that nasty reputation (thanks for that, by the way, guys. ::rolls eyes::).

But that isn't ALL of us.

When people say "Christians can't be kinky," I tend to reply, "You're confusing what a Christian is." A Christian isn't someone who goes to church or votes for George W. Bush (::eye rolls again::). A Christian is someone with a relationship with Christ. We are followers of Christ. We're not perfect, we make mistakes, and sometimes we make asses out of ourselves as a group. I'm not even going to list all the embarrassing things Christians have done in history, but as a group we've done some pretty terrible stuff. But as a group we've also done some really great stuff. And I just tell myself that's because people who follow Christ may be human and imperfect, we are all sinners, but you should not confuse Christians with Christ. If I had to look to some of the small-minded Christians I know for my faith, I'd be turned off, too. Luckily, I don't. I can ignore them--they have their own path of faith to follow--and concentrate solely on Jesus. And seriously, He was one cool guy. Strong, fearless, leader, servant, obedient, divine but still flesh. You never saw Jesus claiming to do one thing and then doing another. Jesus was never a hypocrite. Jesus was never malicious or judgmental or unforgiving. We, his followers? Yeah, we're all those awful things and more, because we're human. But you can't confuse one Man with all us sinful beings following Him.

It just makes me so mad when I see these groups on Fetlife and around the internet asking "How can Christians be kinky?" Some of the more inflammatory get away with saying we all follow "the undead zombie from the sky," like we're some kind of idiots who believe fictional myths without any proof. It just angers me to no end. I'm an intelligent, educated woman who chose to be Christian after much research and study. My husband and I both have a Masters and he has a university degree in Religious Studies (it was my minor). I'm not an idiot and I resent people who assume I am because I'm a Christian. People think BDSM must be against the Bible (it's not). They think BDSM must incorporate sin (it can, but it doesn't have to). They think you can't be Christian and kinky.

Well, I'm Christian and kinky.

I'm also things that many stereotypical "Christians" are not. I vote Democratic, all the time. I've visited mosques and synagogues and would go again. I'd vote for gay civil unions if it ever came up. Yeah, I'm saved. I'm devout, conservative even in my religious beliefs (I'm pretty much pro-life, anti-premarital sex, and I do believe Jesus is the only way to heaven. I read my Bible, go to church most every Sunday, and have a crucifix in my house). But I also have friends who are not Christians, people I love very much and that I respect. I think they ask good questions that challenge my faith. My faith is not threatened by a friend who is pro-choice or Republican or Muslim or atheistic. And my faith is not threatened by BDSM.

One man on FetLife was just such a guy who doesn't see how people can be both Christian and kinky. He started a discussion called M/s, BDSM, and Christianity, which if you have a FetLife account you can read even if you're not part of the Masters and Slaves group, but unfortunately I'm not part of that group so I couldn't respond. So I'm venting on my blog. I'm going to outline the original poster's questions, both in the first discussion and in his follow-up post, and I hope that for once people can stop assuming all Christians are Bible-thumping, gay-hating, anti-sex, ethnocentric idiots. Some of us are, and they annoy me just as much as they annoy you. But just like all Americans don't think the same way, all Christians aren't represented by the small, bigotted, yet strangely vocal minority.

So if you are one of those who identify as Christian, how do you resolve the cognitive dissonance between the M/s you engage in (the BDSM, the polygamy, the sex for recreation instead of procreation and so on and so forth) and the Christian doctrine? Any kind of fun, kinky sex within a Christian marriage is okay, so there is no cognitive dissonance between M/s and BDSM. As for polygamy, the Bible is unclear whether God is for or against it, and theologians differ. If a man is married to all his wives, he is technically not sinning by being polygamous. It is only a person who is not married to all his partners who is fornicating. As for the "sex for recreation instead of procreation," only a minority of Christian groups believe this is wrong, mainly Catholics and Mormons. Most Protestant sects have no problem with sex for recreation and bonding without the possibility of procreation.

And that One True Way, Christianity or following God’s words, seems to be very opposed to most of what is considered the norm for M/s and BDSM. This is true. For Christian kinksters, some things are just flat-out forbidden by the Bible. No sex before marriage, no swinging, no threesomes, no porn, no orgies, no bestiality, no sex with close relatives, no adultery. Even if both partners agree, those kinky activities are out for Christians, because their marriage is a three-way relationship between the spouses and God, and all three of them must agree. However, this still leaves tons of kinky activities open for Christian kinksters, including Master/slave, puppy play, rape play, roleplaying, pain, spanking, bondage, punishment, dirty talk, etc, etc, etc. I personally feel like most of the activities associated with BDSM can easily be kept within a monogamous marriage.

So without resorting to Ephesians 5:22-24 (way too easy), which is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how much this religion is phenomenally misogynistic, just how do you resolve the cognitive dissonance between being either Master or slave and being Christian? Part one. I do not think Christianity is misogynistic. I think the Bible was written by misogynistic men living in a misogynistic culture, but honestly, most cultures back then were. The only time women are supposed to submit is 1. during church services (1 Timothy 2:12) or 2. to her husband (1 Peter 3:1). That leaves 99.9% of situations and men that she is completely an equal to. Most Christians do not follow the 1 Timothy 2 verse about women not speaking in church; that was seen as a cultural command and not a moral one. For every verse about a woman submitting to her husband, there is one about men and women are equal in Christ and equal spiritually.

Part two. I don't think there is a cognitive dissonance between being a Christian and a kinkster. The Bible makes it clear that we are all called to different positions in life. Some of us are slaves, some are teachers, some mothers and fathers, some leaders, some warriors. If a Christian woman wants to be a slave to her husband, that isn't required by the Bible, but it isn't forbidden, either. She is free to give us much submission to him as she wants, even up to 100%.

So for those who say they are M/s Christian and not in monogamous relationships, there has to be some cognitive dissonance. Or have I got it wrong and do you just simply willingly commit sin? For those Christians who are not in monogamous relationships or at least striving toward that (we all sin!), they either usually believe that the Bible shouldn't be taken literally (in which case why are they Christians?) or they justify it using some vague verse in Matthew about how we are not under the law and only need to love God to be a good Christian. I don't agree with this interpretation at all.

In Ephesians it becomes clear that the wife should not disobey the law of God under the guise of submission. This is where the cognitive dissonance question I asked in the OP comes into play. At what point does the Christian/slave/wife deny her Christian/Master/husband’s command? If such a command is something defined as being ‘sin’ in the Bible, does the Christian slave then defy God or the Master? This is a great question and one that is addressed in virtually every book written about Christian submission within marriage. Even non-kinky Christians need to know "Where does submission stop?" The answer is: a Christian woman should submit to her husband in everything that is not specifically defined as a sin in the Bible. She submits to her husband as he submits to God, so ideally her husband would never lead her astray. God is leading both of them to truth through the authority of the husband. But, husbands are human and they sin, too! In that case, a woman should submit to God first. If her husband commands her to do something against her faith or the Bible, she has a right to refuse.

So that is it. You don't have to be Christian to get something out of my blog. You don't have to be Christian to be friends with me or have an important place in my life. I totally understand and respect the right of each person to chose for himself. But I am so tired of people who assume Christians can't be into BDSM or they are doing something "wrong"!

Is Christianity perfect? No. It's made up of a group of sinful humans who are striving to be better and trusting they are saved through grace. Is it possible to be a Christian and kinky? I hope so. Here I am... doing both... being both.

Why Do Doms Want Weak, Spineless Subs?

Do most men want women who are naturally submissive (or weak, or softspoken, or obedient, or whatever)?

Sometimes I feel that way. Just like I sometimes get really overwhelmed by the sheer number of kinksters who are polyamorous, or not Christian, or whatever, sometimes I just feel like every Dom or Sir or Mistress or Master out there is searching for someone who is easy to control. I know it's not true, since I've seen many posts by women who don't want to be that kind of submissive (FetLife discussion, Taken in Hand articles, comments on my blog), and also a few by men who don't seem to want that kind of wife (Taken in Hand article, Slave Training guide). But far and wide, it seems like most men and women dominants want an easy pass on the work of controlling and dominating another person. (Or, at the very least, they only want to work hard at dominating when they feel like it.)

Today, my Dom and I had a very bad talk. Turns out he wants me to submit on my own, not wait for him to conquer me. I hate the idea of just submitting, since that makes any "domination" he does more of a role-playing game than a real D/s, full-time relationship. He was also very negative, blaming me for things I've already improved on weeks ago, accusing me of being the cause of 9/10 of the conflict in our relationship, and telling me no man would ever be able to dominate me. I guess, to him, my need to be dominated, coupled with my strength as a person, is too much. He prefers a more naturally submissive woman, like those mentioned in the New Testament, and he prefers to only have to go through the work of "dominating" a woman every 2 to 3 days, not all the time, and certainly not 24/7. He says if he dominates me once every few days, I should just be able to remain feeling "dominated" until another conflict comes up. To me, however, after a few hours, subspace floats away like a light alcohol buzz and I'm back to normal: equal partners. We just couldn't agree.

Well, Biblically, I don't have a leg to stand on because he's the husband, so I finally gave in (after a loooong and very unhappy discussion). Of course, I told him all the laying blame and making me feel like I'm "too much" and that no man would ever want to dominate me is not fair, and in return he says I'm not being biblically submissive and that I do all this research online but never actually submit in real life. Well, of course, I'm waiting to be dominated, but I guess neither of us is happy with the way things are.

Here are the questions we discussed, and my answers.

Aren't all subs naturally submissive?

No, but some are. Some women on Fetlife and CDD sites take pride in being "naturally submissive," as though that makes them better subs. To me, it just makes them easier subs to deal with, and they would be happy with lazier or less strong dominants. But not all subs have naturally submissive personalities! A quick look at Taken in Hand articles or Fetlife groups for submissive women will tell you that a lot of women only submit to ONE man, and only because he has proved himself to her. A writer on the Taken in Hand website put it perfectly:

First, women choose men – not the other way around. Part of that expectation is that a man be able to handle her.

It is not so much a conscious choice as a biological drive linked to survival of the species. For if a man cannot tame the beast that is within her, odds are that he will not have the courage to protect her or their children.

Second, women test. It is in their nature. They have to make sure that they have made the right choice of mate. Again, this is a self-protective mechanism.

The more unsure a woman is of male prowess, the more likely she is to test. If the man continues to fall short of her expectations, she will come to loath him. (For the rest of the article, click here.)

Do subs want all the good and none of the bad of domination?

This was my Dom's idea. He says women who want to be dominated are wanting all the good of manly domination and none of the bad. They want to be treasured, led, guided, and conquered, but they don't want him to be an asshole or domineering or selfish or a jerk about it. To my Dom, this seems unfair for the women to want. To me, it seems only natural. Of course we want strong male leadership (like God modeled in the Old Testament!) without the man being a jerk or only worrying about himself. And I think as subs, we are willing to accept that sometimes we won't be happy with a scene, that it will be about our Dom's pleasure and our pain, but still we need to be happy or have some sort of emotional need met SOMETIMES or why would we stay? But my Dom has learned to be a leader in the Army or from his alcoholic, abusive father, and that is where I think he gets a lot of his "Leaders must be assholes" idea.

Should Doms and subs create their own lifestyle or go by online resources?

I think, with the wealth of resources out there, we should learn from the kinksters who have already succeeded at living a lifestyle. There are common ideals that unite the community of kinksters, such as mutual consent, no harm, sane and safe play, etc. There are already loads of books and websites created to teach us about becoming Masters, slaves, Dommes, Mistresses, Doms, Owners, subs, Tops, or bottoms. There are websites with slave training guidelines, sample Master/slave contracts, and great discussions where we can learn more about the community. While no one site has the "right way" or "wrong way," I think it's silly and irresponsible to try to become part of a community without learning about it first. I think there is no such thing as having too much knowledge on a subject, especially one you are considering incorporating into your lifestyle full-time. You can get ideas from others, receive support, or even find an on-line mentor.

My Dom, on the other hand, thinks I've done "too much research." He thinks all my research has filled me head with unattainable ideals of submission and domination that either aren't possible, or aren't possible for him. He thinks two people should be able to decide upon a relationship style on their own, without input from strangers over the internet.

I think that's a great idea, but without other subs to tell you what your rights are, or other Mistresses to give you great punishment and control ideas, such a relationship could quickly degenerate into abusive control. I think that the old adage is true: "The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know." I think that the hours I put into researching and writing about BDSM help make me an expert in the topic, and that without the online sites, I'd have never had a clue what diversity of kink there was in the world. I think that you can never have too much knowledge.

Can you do too much online research?

In my opinion, unless you start doing so much online research that you quit doing your other duties (cleaning the house, taking showers, going to work, etc.), no. Research and knowledge are priceless. See above.

What happens if two people can't agree on what their relationship should be?

Well, if they're not already married or otherwise committed (collared, etc.), they can just leave until they find the right match for their kinky desires. Having unfulfilled needs, sexual or otherwise, can be very difficult on a relationship.

On the other hand, many people are already married or committed. In this case, if two people simply can't agree on the dynamic of their relationship, they have a few options:

1. Divorce. Biblically, this isn't permissible because you don't love them anymore or they don't meet your needs--- only if the other person has committed adultery. (See Matthew 5:27-32.)
2. Separation. No sex with anyone but your spouse, though.
3. Have a separate Master and husband. You'd actually be surprised how many women have both a loving husband and a Sir. The trick is that both parties MUST know about the other and the entire relationship must be completely honest and open with everyone involved. Otherwise, it's just cheating, and only slimeballs do that. Also, Christians are not allowed to have sex with anyone but their spouse (see Hewbrews 13:4), so having a BDSM relationship with anyone but your spouse means it can't include sex or anything sexual.
4. Quit having a BDSM relationship. One or both of you will be unhappy.
5. Decide to go with one person's version and not the other's. This means one of you will be unhappy.

Should the Bible or BDSM come first?

Well, obviously, the Bible. God comes before everything in our lives. That's why I had to admit defeat with my husband when we just couldn't agree. When it comes down to it, the Bible is clear; Ephesians 5:22-24 says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

He wants our BDSM relationship one way. I want it another way. He thinks I complain too much and never submit like a submissive should. I think he should be more consistent and conquer me more. And in the end, who was right? It doesn't matter, because he pointed out the Bible to me. And he was right. I may not want to obey him, but I do want to obey God. I don't want to put myself in the position of jeapordizing my marriage and displeasing my Creator just because I was stubborn and willful. It would be so much easier (for me) if he could do things my way, and I wish he would. And what about what all those "Biblically submissive women" books and sites that advise us wives to submit with grace and a good attitude?

Fat chance. I may be called to obey in all things, so fine. But I can't control my attitude and right now my attitude about this is nothing like the joyful, submssive attitude the church has when submitting to Christ. But I don't feel like I can control that now. And I don't really want to.

He seems to want a 100% Biblically submissive wife, to be a Biblically leading husband all the time, and to be a Dom who controls and hurts me about 50% of the time. To me, that feels fake. I feel like we're doing what the Bible says (and we should!), but that he is playing "dress-up Dom" the rest of the time. He can't control me all the time--or more accurately, doesn't want to go through the effort of doing so all the time--so he wants me to pretend to give in even when I am not conquered. Fine. I can do it, but I'll sulk and I'm mad. He left an hour ago and I didn't even talk to him. Christlike? No. But hurt and angry wife-like? You bet.

I'm sure things will get better soon, but for now..... that's all.

Religion Discussions on FetLife

On FetLife, there are many groups geared toward Christians and BDSM. I'm a member of some, including general Christian ones and specific Catholic ones. I enjoy talking to other Christians who are also interested in kink, but I am always sort of shocked and saddened by how many Christians are actually... well, not followers of Christ.

I don't for a minute think I'm capable of judging what makes another person Christian or not. When it all comes down to it, only God can know our hearts and souls. He will judge each person and His judgment will be completely just.

Still, Jesus was very, very clear that He is the only way to God. I don't think Jesus said this because He was intolerant, or egotistical, or that He meant He's the only way to God for Christians, but for Muslims and Hindus and Jews and agnostics there's another way and that's okay. No, the man said He was the only way. When God Himself takes the trouble to come down to earth and tell us who He is and what the way to Him is, I'm inclined to believe Him. Maybe it's not P.C. or fuzzy, feel-good religion with an emphasis on "all religions lead to God," but I believe it's the truth.

Allow me to share with you an exchange of messages on this topic. The FetLife member in question is the leader of a Catholic + BDSM group. I admire him for his tolerance of others' views in his group (even mine) and for his respect of other religions. Still, I can't agree with his views on God. Here is our discussion:


Is Jesus the only way to God?

Him:
NO....

The way to God is to seek God. Jesus is one of our earthly guides to God.

Go to YouTube, type in Islamic Call to Prayer...Listen to a few of them....

You may understand that Islam is also the way to God.

Me:
I do understand that many religions are attempting to search for God and of course have some valid ways of reaching Him.

However, when God comes down to earth and clearly says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father except through Me," I'm inclined to believe Him. He wouldn't have gone to all that trouble of coming to earth, suffering, dying, and rising (quite a drastic measure!) if it weren't completely necessary and the ONLY way to God. Otherwise Jesus' sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary, if there are other ways to God, all equally valid.

Isn't it possible to respect those religions, enjoy their sacred texts and music, but still know that there is only ONE way to God, the mediator Jesus Christ?


Him:
Um, no offense...but God comes down to earth? And you believe that? The early Christians did NOT think Jesus was God and yet they still followed him...

Early Christian views tended to see Jesus as a unique agent of God.

Most Christians identified Jesus as divine from a very early period, although holding a variety of competing views as to what exactly this implied.

(Early Christians) Adoptionists, such as the Ebionites, considered Jesus as at first an ordinary man, born to Joseph and Mary, who later became the Son of God at his baptism, his transfiguration, or his resurrection.

But it was not until some 300 years after Jesus died that the Council of Nicaea in 325 he was identified as God in the fullest sense, literally 'of the same substance, essence or being', hence in the further wording of the Creed.

Let's not forget that the Catholic church is a great propaganda agent for telling Christians what to believe...

You said, "Isn't it possible to respect those religions, enjoy their sacred texts and music, but still know that there is only ONE way to God, the mediator Jesus Christ?" NO.

I gave you my opinion. My opinion may or may not be correct. I believe it is correct.

The Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw once said, "There is only one religion,though there are a hundred versions of it."

Is it possible that Buddhism,Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, etc. represent differing, yet valid, paths to the same destination?

First, it is intolerant and ethnocentric to assert that one religion is the true religion and others, which disagree, are false. This type of intolerance, it is pointed out, has caused much bloodshed.

Second, the contrasting claims of different religions do not prove that one religion is true and others are false. Instead it suggests that no religion possesses the entire truth, but only bits and pieces of it.

Finally, all religions share a common ethical core. Some formulation of the Golden Rule, for example, is found in Judaism, Hinduism, Jainism, Christianity, Taoism, Islam, and Buddhism. In addition, each of these traditions produces a similar ethical/moral transformation in the lives of its followers.

Moreover, it would be difficult to prove that one religious tradition is more effective than others in transforming the lives of its followers.

Me:
It may be intolerant, but I'm not intolerant from some selfish need to be right, or because I want to "win" a theological argument. I believe that because I honestly want everyone to come to faith in Jesus and have eternal life. It has nothing to do with me.

Also, I don't consider myself intolerant. I have a minor in religion, love to travel to countries with Muslim majorities, and happily attend other churches, denominations, and religions. I like to learn about them. I recently went to the Open House at a mosque here. "Intolerant" to me means the people who hate other religions and are rude to their adherents. I'm tolerant... I have Muslim and atheist friends, am open to attending their services, and read other sacred texts. I believe those people should have the right to practice their own religion. To me, that's tolerant.

I do believe all religions are representing different paths to the same goal. However, I don't believe all of them achieve that goal. That's the difference.

Yes, I believe God came down to earth. Early Christians were unclear what exactly Jesus was, but soon several factions came about. Eventually, Paul and other leaders (after the times the NT was written) through the 300s started to define what and who Jesus was. Arians were a large group who thought he was divine, but not God; others thought he was divine AND God. Utimately, I trust God let the religion who was "right" win out. I trust He can use politics and writings and even opposing factions to point us to the Truth, even if He doesn't do it immediately. And many other religions have incarnations of gods coming to earth, so it's not a new idea.

I'm making NO claims whatsoever that one religion is more effective in transforming lives. If you are looking at religion as a way to "transform lives" or be a better person, I agree with you that any religion could be equally valid and it's a matter of personal preference. However, I don't think religion is a way to transform lives, but a way to worship God and come to know the path to eternal life. There are many ways to transform lives and change people, but only one path to God---Jesus. The other paths head toward God, and attempt to reach it, but God Himself said that only through Jesus can we find eternal life. I'm inclined to believe Him.

Maybe George Bernard Shaw did say that. But Jesus Himself said that He was the only way to God.

I don't consider Jesus intolerant. In fact, He's my example of the most loving, forgiving, tolerant man alive. But He did say He was the only way to God. He didn't punish those who didn't follow Him; He just stated the truth. I try to follow that. I don't discriminate or hound other religions. But I care about them enough that I want them to know that, while talk of "everyone is right" and "all religions are valid" may be popular and P.C., it's not the truth. The God of the Hebrews was not P.C. Jesus was not P.C. They both make the claim that there is only ONE God, and this is how He wants to be worshipped, this is who He is, and these are His commands. I'm simply inclined to believe Him over myself or other humans. Who are we mortals to tell God what we think or want Him to be? He told us, and that is that. (For me.)

I'm sorry you don't agree with me. I do understand your point and actually used to believe it, until I read the Bible and had to admit I was wrong and God was right. It was hard for me to swallow my pride, I'll admit. Sometimes it's still hard.

I'd rather be a loving, tolerant, yet steadfast Christian who is right with Christ, than a P.C., "all roads lead to God" feel-good religion that isn't true and ends up leading myself and others to hell. And if I follow myself or other human leaders, instead of the God of the Bible, I'm afraid that's what I'll do.

So yes, I strongly believe we should respect and tolerate all religions. I believe they all have value and they all have bits of truth. But I believe only one Man, who was also God, is the way to heaven.

Spanking During Lent

As Lent approaches, many Christians around the world will begin their preparations for the Easter season by making a Lenten sacrifice. And I don't just mean our Catholic brothers and sisters in Christ, either; many Christian denominations include Lent as a required or optional season for Christian growth, including Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, and even some fundamentalist Christian groups.

A conversation came up on FetLife about the good of adding or giving up spanking during Lent. Of course, the group's members came up with no consensus, but I thought it was worth sharing. Here are some ideas to consider:

• The Lenten season is to be one of solemnity and penance, preparing our hearts to receive the joy of Christ's resurrection on Easter Sunday. We are to follow Christ's model and bear our cross, embracing His suffering. For many people, spanking--because of its sexual nature--may not be an appropriate sacrifice for Lent.
• Some people, especially BDSMers, really like spanking. I mean really, really like spanking. They get some sort of kick from it, whether it is sexual, pain/pleasure, relaxing, kinky, or just the rush of endorphins. For people who enjoy spanking, perhaps giving it up could be a fitting sacrifice.
• Other people do NOT like spanking, and use it only as a punishment in their BDSM relationships. For these people, adding physical pain like what Christ endured could be a good sacrifice during the season.

As always, whether you choose to add spanking or give up spanking or do nothing at all, it depends upon the two people in your relationship and what they enjoy doing. If you feel spanking can help you bring to mind Christ's sufferings, teach you spiritual discipline, or bring you closer to God, then it's something to think about!

Christian Masters vs. non-Christian Masters

Sometimes, when I write my blog, I worry that no one is reading anymore. It's kind of depressing. Or, if people are reading, I worry they're really liberal Christians (or not Christians at all) and are reading for the kink content, and then they'll be offended at the things I say. But today, I got two (two!) messages on Fetlife from strangers who had read my blog, so my Christian-kink-writing self has perked right up and been inspired to write again.

One of the only Christian AND kinky blogs I've come across (besides mine) is that of Doule, who is a different type of Christian than I am (she is Reformed Protestant, while I'm Catholic) but nonetheness a very devoted, true Christian. I enjoy her posts on Fetlife and I enjoy her blog when I have the chance to read it. I took that opportunity today, and one of her posts really made me think. Here it is:

I think it would be difficult, if not impossible for doule to have the same
confidence in Kyrios as she would have in Christ – an earthly Kyrios being
human, humans have human emotions and biases and blind spots.

For “doule” to have absolutely no regard and no rights, she would have to have that
full confidence that Kyrios has the exact same interests involved for her that
Christ has.

So when I write of Kyrios and doule, I write with the knowledge that both have human needs and failings.

I think of the proverbial “two-way street”. Doule serves without regard for her own
interests…but that remains possible only when she rests confidently in the full
knowledge that Kyrios bears the responsibility of regarding her interests for her.

I think this is so true of my own walk, first as a Christian woman, wife, friend, and worker, and second as a Christian who identifies with a kinky lifestyle. I talked to my husband about it after I read Doule's post, and I think this is what separates a Christian Master from any other Master, and what separates a Christian sub from any ther sub. And don't get me wrong; I've found wonderful advice and fellowship from kinky people who are many religions or no religion at all. I have no problem learning from kinksters who are not my religion, but in my relationships, I want to keep my marriage a Christian marriage first and a kinky one second.

So if you are a single, kinky Christian searching for your Master or Domme or Mistress or sub or slave? It can be hard to find someone who is also kinky (I'd say 3-10% of the population, depending on which study you read) and even harder to find someone who is a Christian kinkster (less than 20% of active BDSMers, according to an informal survey I conducted last year). But in the end, we have to believe God will send us that someone, because we are told to bind ourselves only to other Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14) and we know that God is very interested in leading us to the right mate (see the stories of Isaac in Genesis 24 or Ruth and Boaz in Ruth 4). We have to trust our loving Father has our perfect spiritual, mental, sexual, and emotional mate picked out for us, and all we have to do is wait and trust (see Micah 7:7).

Back to Doule's blog. I know it is really hard to wait and wait and wait and just hope your kinky mate will happen along, and I know some Christians get really discouraged with all the waiting. I've been there! But in the end, Doule has really pinpointed the reason we wait. There is such a spiritual difference between a Christian Master and any other Master. His job is different, more challeging, and more encompassing.

A BDSM Master has to do many things: care for his sub or slave, give her emotional and physical security, lead her, help her grow into a better person, train her, work with her on past issues, punish her, reward her, be a good lover, be a strong person, make decisions for the two of them, protect his slave and their relationship from evil people or things, and a host of other responsibilities.

The Christian Master does all these things and more. Rather than doing simply what he wants, because he wants it, he must measure all his actions against the Bible and what he knows Jesus wants for his life. He has to look out for and care for his sub emotionally, sexually, physically, and mentally, but also spiritually as well, because he knows he's responsible for her spiritual welbeing when they get to heaven. He can't just make up any rules that come to his head and that make him happy; he has to make sure all his rules and regulations are in keeping with the Bible. He doesn't worry just about what he wants in the relationship, but what God wants. Is God pleased with the slave? Is God pleased with the Master? In all things, the Christian Master knows he has a higher authority than himself and that his slave does, too. He has to make sure they both stay true to that Higher Authority.

Likewise, the Christian slave (or sub) has an extra job as well. She can't give up her freedom to her master completely, because she knows she must first be obedient to God and then to her master on earth. She wants to please her earthly master and also her Heavenly One. A Christian slave also knows that her human master is not the end-all, be-all of her life. They both serve God, together. She knows that they are equal persons, or equal value and dignity, but that one of them has been given more authority--though not more worth--while on earth. And even when she doesn't really feel like submitting, she knows she should follow the directions for wives in Ephesians 5:22-24.

This isn't something I'm terribly good at yet. I'm decent at obeying God, and I have years of practice submitting to Him, but I'm a total newbie at submitting to a human man. As a newlywed, I know this will be an area I'll really struggle with: submitting to God through my Dom. It's a new job for me, and I trust my Father will be patient with me in my first struggles.

Some people on Fetlife tried to tell me that there is no difference in a Christian Master and a regular Master. They said many Christian Masters are even worse people than other Masters, and I can believe that because Christians are just humans, after all! But the ideal of a Christian Master, a Christian sub, a Christian BDSM relationship---now THAT is something truly above and beyond the norm, something special, something sacred, something new.

A New Year and New Marriage

Happy New Year!

The wedding is over, the semester is over, and the holidays are over. What this means is, I'm happily sitting at home with some of that oh-so-rare commidity, free time, on my hands. Hurray!

My new hubby is out in the snow after church, buying paint since he painted over the wall in the wrong color. We've had some newly-married conflicts over much smaller things than that ("Why didn't your new wife make it into your Facebook status update?! Am I not as important as Cancun? Huh?!) but I am proud to say that in this situation, I was calm and collected. We have taken down the photos from the living room to put up a large piece of artwork by the genius Elizabeth Chapman (my wedding gift to my Dom) but there were still some holes in the wall. Unfortunately, he mudded and painted over them with the wrong color. Ooops.

Anyway, I have to say that married life has been nice. It's nice to light our Unity Candle before we have sex and know that now, finally, we are in a place in our lives where we can enjoy each other sexually without that guilt that comes from knowing you aren't honoring God as fully as you should in your lives. It's nice to experience orgasms and not feel like they're forbidden. Now, we're just doing exactly what God wants for married couples!

We've been talking about BDSM, although we didn't play around with it much on our honeymoon. I think my Dom wanted to, but I didn't feel comfortable enough with it since we were having "real sex" for the first time. (Yes, there are still Christians in the world who wait til marriage to have intercourse, even if we gave in to sin in other areas.) That coupled with my past sexual issues made me VERY unwilling to feel "raped", at least so far. Maybe eventually I'll get there. To my Dom, raping me vaginally sounds just as hot as raping me with his fingers or a vibrator, but I'm not there yet. And he's been very loving and patient about it.

So anyway, on the honeymoon we didn't do much BDSM, but once we were home and finally alone again, we started talking. We discussed what we both like and don't like (again---you can never do it too much) and we discussed how lately I haven't been feeling "dominated" even when he tries. We talked about the instances that something has worked for me and we decided that if he tries to move too fast, the domination doesn't work---it's when he starts slowly and builds up that I eventually begin to feel submissive. This was a good breakthrough for us, since I'm not terribly submissive naturally and I want to feel like I'm made to give in more than anything. Those times he just jumps on me and tries to force me, I get repulsed and turned off. Likewise, the times he only ties me up or messes with my head for 10 to 15 minutes, I feel bored and angry. What we discovered was that, when he ties me up and is mean to me for 45 minutes to an hour, then I finally start to slip into submissive space. I used to be able to get there on the phone with him from France just by his voice, but I haven't experienced it much lately since I've been living with him, and we both miss it.

So in the end, I don't have any hot and wild stories of unbridled passion to tell, but I can say that we are now a married Christian couple who finally have the sexual freedom with each other to fully explore the aspects of BDSM we only played around with before. And we have had some very good conversations about our successes and disappointments in the area of BDSM before.

I hope everyone's Christmas and holidays were wonderful and maybe your stockings were filled with naughty things! Au revoir!

The Servanthood of a Master

"Masters have to be more selfless than anyone."

This gem of a quote was taken from Fetlife member Seya, and I thank her for it.

I don't know is Seya is a Christian or not, but it spoke worlds to me. It's not a popular thought, certainly, that Masters (and Doms, tops, Daddies, Mommies, trainers, the list goes on...) would have to be anything but completely selfish, egotistical, self-pleasing sex machines. Some people have this idea that Masters must be the most selfish people in the world and all subs and slaves must be doormats.

Well, that's not always true.

But first let's talk about the times when it is true. There is no right or wrong way to do BDSM, so everyone gets to decide what is "right" in their relationship. Some Masters really do control everything about the slave and receive great satisfaction from having every sexual and emotional whim catered to. Likewise, there are some subs and slaves that honestly love to put their Master's needs first and live a completely selfless lifestyle. In these relationships, both members have carefully designed the relationship to fit their needs, and hopefully everyone is happy.

Then there are some Masters--usually single and trolling online dating and fetish sites--that seem to think that's what they want and that's what they're entitled to. They can't tell the difference between "a sub" and "MY sub." They automatically assume they can boss around every person who claims to be submissive without regarding that person's needs. It's sad but true: Fetlife and CollarMe are chock full of wanna-be Doms and Masters who will write a sub, completely ignoring the sub's profile, list of requirements, interests and kinks, or relationship status, and give them a list of commands that is both dirty and gross. I'm yet to meet a sub this worked on, but maybe they're out there.

But that's not the way it works in Christian relationships.

At least, not mine.

My Dom has far more asked of him than he asks of me. He takes the words of Scripture very seriously:

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
-Ephesians 5:28

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing. -1 Peter 3:-9

My Dom tries to love me like God loves the Son, like Christ loves the Church, the way a man should love his wife. This calls for that popular Christian term, servant leadership.

Is he the Dom? Yes. It is always easy for us? No. Not with a fiery red-headed control freak in the house and a calm, people-pleasing man!

But he does it for me.

First Peter talks about husbands loving their wives as the "weaker partner." I've read commentaries that refer to women being physically weaker. My Dom and I agree that not only am I smaller and less strong physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Sure, I'm a daughter of the Most High God and a powerhouse, but I still struggle. The world hurts me more than it hurts him. My feelings get hurt easier, I cry sooner, I whine more, I'm needier and more clingy, and I am more prone to doubts and valleys in my relationship with God.

So my Dom tries to do what God intends for him to do: be compassionate and humble. Even with me, his sub.

When I snap at him and am impossible to please, he forgives me and holds me.

When I'm stressed and unhappy, he puts his own stresses aside and holds me and "squishes my head" (my favorite safe-feeling position).

When I yell at him three times in one day over something stupid, then come crawling back saying how sorry I am, he is quick to forgive and let go. He does not repay insults in kind, but with blessings.

He wants to show me how God loves me.

So you'll see my manly Dom holding me and reassuring me instead of getting sex. Yes, and you'll even find him telling me that's okay, and he doesn't want to have sex if it will hurt or frighten me.

Yep, ladies and gentlemen, here is a Dom who puts my needs first.

You'll see him hopping up from the couch to bring me more food or water because I'm tired and I've had a hard day, even though he has, too. You'll see him crawling out of our warm bed because I just realized I forgot to lock the door. You'll see him giving me a loving back massage every night because I am terribly prone to physical ailments like knots and tensions that cause me pain. And because I like them.

I used to worry that made me the Domme and him the sub, because he was serving. But then I realized, he may have been serving, but I wasn't leading. And for me to be the Domme, I'd have to play the leader to his servant. Instead, he was leading me--and sometimes, that meant serving me. I was just the lucky recipient of his ministrations---not because I'd asked for them, not because I deserved them, but because he wanted to take care of me, body and soul.

Sounds a bit like Jesus, doesn't it?

In the bedroom, he still leads. He is the one pulling hair, slapping faces, calling names, and giving commands. I am the one trembling in terrified ecstasy to see where he'll take me next. But even sexually, my Dom is giving. Just like in the other areas of our life, he wants me to be taken care of. Like a good Master, he takes care of the needs of his sub. And so normally, you'll see him going without sex if I need to be held instead. You won't see him pushing anal sex on me because he knows it makes me uncomfortable. If I start to look uncomfortable or if I safeword out of a scene, my Dom stops and holds me, which makes me realize once again how terribly concerned he is about my safety and wellbeing. Most of the time, he brings me to multiple orgasms and then holds me as we drift to sleep, never once complaining about blueballs or a lack of attention to his Domly Organ. Why? Because he knows I'm uncomfortable with sex, and particularly penises, after several bad experiences in my past. So he doesn't push me to service him, or even to touch him if I don't want it, knowing that to do so would just freak me out and send me right back to being a victim. At first, I thought he was just waiting patiently for me to "get over it" and give him some, but after months and months and months of this behavior, I've finally realized that he really is content just to make me happy.

He makes me happy by leading me, and he leads me by serving me.

And that, my friends, is the servanthood of a Master.

Leadership for Christian Tops

As a Christian top, how do you lead?

The answer: Spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

You can't have a fulfilling sex life unless you have a fulfilling marriage, and you can't have a fulfilling marriage unless you have a fulfilling relationship with God. This may seem odd to the non-religious folks out there, but it's true. God created marriage to be a symbol to the world of His relationship with His Son. God created sex within marriage to by a symbol of the Holy Spirit, the life-giving force in the world, and to promote unity and love inside the sacred sacrament of marriage.

Of course, the Bible places the husband in the position of leadership over the wife. It doesn't mean he's the boss, or better, or superior, or that he can be a jerk; it means that he must love, cherish, and lead his wife, even though she is his equal, just the way God cherished and led Christ. No one would dare to say that Christ isn't equal to the Father (they are the same God!), but the Father still led Jesus while He was on earth.

If the Bible says the husband and wife are equals, but gives the responsibility of headship to the man, does that mean Christian couples can't enjoy a BDSM power exchange where the wife is the Domme?

While the Bible never directly addresses roles within sexuality, I tend to agree with the Christian BDSM website Sex In Christ:

We believe that a man can adopt a submissive and servile role and allow his wife
to dominate him sexually, if it is absolutely clear that outside of the bedroom,
the husband is the spiritual head of the marriage.

If you're a Christian top in a BDSM relationship, the first place you'll want to look for guidance in your relationship is God's Own Word, the Bible.

Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of
the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. -I Corinthians 11:3

Power, in and out of the bedroom, is both a right and a responsibility. The man is not left to lead a strong-willed woman alone; he is to look at the Biblical examples of God's leadership and to mirror that for his wife. As Christ leads him, so he leads his wife. It is a clear heirarchy with Jesus, not the husband, at the top. This is how Christian tops differ from other tops; while other tops may be the "god" of the relationship, a Christian top is only one step in the ladder.

If God is the ultimate leader, what Toppish characteristics does He show in the Bible?

• He is strong.
• He is protective.
• He is a warrior.
• He is brave.
• He is decisive.
• He protects His flock from danger.
• He puts God above all else.
• He is kind.
• He is loving.
• He is forgiving.

If you're a top in a Christian BDSM relationship, I suggest you begin a Bible study on your own of examples of leadership in the Bible. You can find many examples of God's leadership and the many, many qualities that make Him such a wonderful, caring leader. He is King, Warrior, Father, Lover, Husband, Friend, Servant, Priest, Pastor, Shepherd, Master, and Creator, and in all these capacities He demonstrates a profound leadership ability that we here on Earth can hope to emulate!

In your Bible study, you might also want to include examples of human leadership. Hosea, David, Solomon, Paul, and Abimelech all showed good leadership qualities. So did Abigail, Naomi, Boaz, and Mary's husband Joseph. Study these people and the stories that have been passed down to us. They all led in vastly different ways, so take notes and decide which ways are right for you. What made them such good leaders? How can you emulate their godly actions?

Of course, the Bible gives us many examples of some not so good leaders as well! Adam, Saul, David, Solomon, and Noah were all human enough that they made mistakes when they were called to be leaders for their wives, children, or kingdoms. Study the mistakes they made and discern how you can avoid them!

You might also try books like Liberated Through Submission, Wild at Heart, and The Dirt on Dating. These are wonderful books to help Christians learn to lead and submit as God calls us to in different situations.

To read more, see the following blogs:

Women and Men Leaders in the Bible

A Man's Leadership

A Man's Courageousness

Leadership Resources

Leadership Resources

To learn more in your quest for Christian leadership in your marriage and BDSM/sex life, consider the following links.

Websites
Christian Leadership by ChristianLeadership.net
Equally Yoked?: What is Spiritual Leadership? by SheWorships.com
A Husband's Spiritual Leadership by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
The Marks of Manhood by Dr. Albert Mohler
Spiritual Leadership in the Home by Rusty Miller
Steps to Being a Christian Leader in Public and Private by Tammy Lou Waite
Twelve Traits of Christian Leaders by Xenos.org


Videos
Biblically Deal with Problematic People
Consequences for Those Difficult People
Do Not Tolerate Evil People
Don't Explain--Take Responsibility!
How to Set Limits in Leadership
Leaders Need the Right Travelling Companions
Learn to Question Authority; It Makes Great Leaders!
The Process of Dealing with a Fool
Traits to Avoid as a Leader



Books
The Dirt on Dating
Liberated through Submission
The Velvet-Covered Brick
Wild At Heart

Polygamy and Christians

One of the most common aspects of BDSM is polygamy--called "poly" by many kinksters.

The majority of kinksters are poly, but I don't have specific numbers. Being monogamous is, at best, cheerfully tolerated as a "different" kink or, at worst, ridiculed by non-monogamous kinksters. Somo monogamists have reported being 100% welcomed in their local communities, while others have reported being snickered at or put down. It all depends on where you come from.

Being "poly" means different things for different people, but it always means having more than one BDSM partner. Some people are mostly monogamous but play with another person on occasion. Others have full-time houses where a Master or Mistress might have multiple slaves. In these cases, often there is an Alpha slave, and all other slaves fit into a heirarchy within the house. These are called poly households.

What really surprises me in many of these cases is that Christians in the BDSM community are not against a polygamist lifestyle. One of the most hotly debated topics on Christian forums is actually polygamy, polyamory, and its morality!

I'll state right off that bat that I'm for monogamy. I don't think sex or love should be shared with more than one person; I don't think it's the way God intended it. But I'll also admit that the Bible is not totally clear on this issue, and many Christians who are poly do have Biblical backing for their stances.

Below, I'll list the main scriptural verses and arguments used by both sides of the poly debate.

Pro-Polygamy

• Many of the patriarchs in the Bible had multiple wives or concubines, including Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon.
• In Exodus 21:10, God gave a commandment that if a man took a second wife, he had to treat them both equally in all areas. God did not condemn polygamy, but protected the rights of the 1st wife. Deuteronomy 21:16-21 also seems to assume that some people in the Old Testament had multiple wives.
• In 2 Samuel 12:8, God gives David Saul's wives as a blessing.
• God never forbade polygamy, and in fact blessed men who were polygamists (Abraham, Jacob, David, etc.)
• When Genesis 2:24 refers to being "one flesh" with one's wife, it does not state you can not become one flesh with more than one person.
• In 1 Timothy 3:2, Paul says overseers, deacons, and bishops should be "the husband of but one wife." This implies Christians not in leadership positions could be poly.

Anti-Polygamy

• God did not give Adam two wives, and seems to have intended marriage to be monogamous when He created it in Genesis. Polygamy does not appear in the Bible until Lamech took two wives. Genesis 4:19-24 shows how Lamech was a prideful, boastful man whose heart was far from God in many areas.
• When Israel became a nation, God in Deuteronomy 17:15-17 commanded that the kings not take multiple wives or other possessions to themselves. Multiple wives would have turned their hearts from God (and this happened to Solomon).
• God never approved of polygamy, but tolerated it. He may have blessed polygamists such as David and Abraham, but He also blessed murderers and adulterers like David. Forgiving and loving the person does not mean He condoned their actions.
• Matthew 5:31-32 shows Jesus saying God only allowed divorce because the people's hearts were hard. He makes it clear a man can only have one wife or will be in adultery, which is a sin. Jesus taught a monogamous style of marriage.
• 1 Timothy 3:2 shows that monogamy is God's ideal form for marriage by making Christian leaders uphold a one-man/one-woman union. The verse may not even refer to polygamy, but to the fact that a divorced man is not eligible for leadership.
• A man is instructed to "leave his father and mother" and become "one flesh" with his wife in Genesis 2:24. You can only become "one flesh" with one person at a time.
• Old Testament verses regarding polygamy reflect the Israelis' ancient culture, not God's commands. God permitted divorce, polygamy, and slavery in the OT as part of His people's cultures, but that does not make them morally acceptable.

For more info on the Bible and polygamy, please see Question 150 and BibleBell for views against polygamy. I've used some of their information in this article.

Got Answers also has a lovely piece on Biblical polygamy. Other non-poly sites that nevertheless accurately report both sides are Bible Truths, Apologetics Index, and EadsHome Ministries. Please see Polygamy of the Bible abd Christian Polygamy for information on Christians who believe polygamy is acceptable; I was unable to find more sites on this topic, but please feel free to let me know if you find more pro-poly sites that are professional and reliable.

Porn and the Christian BDSMer

In many BDSM communities, porn is 100% accepted. It is considered part of a natural, normal sex life where sexually active people believe they are biologically wired to need sex often, from multiple partners, with porn and masturbation as an aid, and with an assortment of fantasies to help it along.

I don't believe this is the way sex has to be. I don't even believe it is the way sex was meant to be. I may be a minority here, but if the Bible is any guide to history, minorities are often in the right. Just look at Lot in Sodom, Joseph and Nicodemus among the Jewish leaders who crucified Jesus, the three men in the book of Daniel who stay strong and are thrown into a furnace, and even Jesus himself. In short, popular wisdom is not always correct.

Most sex manuals today will say that masturbation and porn are a normal part of a healthy sex life. I say they're not. I say the most vibrant, healthy, lovemaking, spiritual, toe-curling, loving, bonding, sexually satisfying relationships are those enjoyed by two married, faithful people who only look to each for satisfaction.

Here is my response to the "convential wisdom" that says Christian BDSMers need to look at porn.

1. Men are biologically hardwired to need more sex than women.
   
   
   My answer: While most studies claim men have a higher sex drive, there are a few studies who insist this isn't true at all, but only a myth society has convinced both men and women. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthromorphist, says, "Both sexes have a high sex drive, but they express it differently" (source). WebMD says that while men do have a higher libido than women, this is because women's sex drives are more complex and also more affected by cultural factors (source). Also, sex drive varies by age. Men reach their sexual peak at a younger age, normally 18-22, and it starts to decline about the time they hit 35-40. Ironically, many women hit their sexual peak at 35-40 (source). So while a married couple in their late 20s may find the man biologicaly craves more sex, the same couple is going to find the woman has a higher sex drive when they are in their 40s.
2. Men need the visual stimulation of porn.
   
   
   My answer: Yes, men in general tend to be more visual, but this doesn't mean they need porn. I know many men, Christian and not, who abstain from both porn and masturbation and have happy, fulfilling sex lives. And if they need visuals, their wife is their own visual treat: undressing, dressing, showering, sunbathing, sleeping, or dressing up in a nice evening gown. If this doesn't do it, married couples can make their own sexy collection, just starring them and made for an audience of them! Cameras, webcams, and video cameras can be the start of some wonderful visual sexiness just for the two spouses to share, without ever looking at strange porn stars in mass-produced photos or films.
3. Porn isn't a sin because it isn't mentioned as one in the Bible.
   
   
   My answer: Lots of things aren't mentioned in the Bible because they were not an issue at the time, or not an issue God chose to address, but that doesn't make them okay. The Bible is a set of stories and guidelines for Christians, not an exhaustive list of every single thing we should and shouldn't do. In cases such as pornography, polygamy, abortion, BDSM, and birth control, where the Bible does not specifically mention them by name or give guidance, a Christian must lean on the teachings of the Church, tradition, prayer, and an understanding of related Biblical principles.
   
   While the word "pornography" is not found in the Bible, the word "sexual immorality" is! The Bible is clear on guidelines toward sex. We are to enjoy sex only within marriage, for Hebrews 13:4 says "Let the marriage bed be undefiled." Proverbs 5:17-26 has a beautiful verse on the joys of married sex, and warns "Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you." In Matthew 5:27-30, Jesus makes it clear that even to look lustfully at a woman is the same as adultery. Not only the action, but also the thought, is the sin. If looking at and thinking about someone other than your spouse in a sexual manner is adultery, then porn is adultery. Fantasizing about Angelina Jolie or your ex-boyfriend is adultery. And adultery is a sin worthy of death (Leviticus 20:10).
   For more information on the God's Word as it pertains to sex, adultery, and porn, see here.
4. Porn is okay as long as it doesn't lead you into sin, such as an addiction or unhealthy, sinful desires.
   
   My answer: This is one I see used by many Christians. The sad truth is, it doesn't matter if you feel it is "okay" as long as it doesn't lead you into sin. Many Christians using porn tell me porn is an area to be careful in, because it can lead to fantasies, addiction, sinful desires, lust, and others, but isn't necessarily bad as long as they're careful. In my opinion, this is not Biblical. God never says to flirt with sin is okay as long as we don't get too into it. He never says to go ahead and have fun as long as we don't take it "too far." 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to "flee sexual immorality." Not walk, not run, not flirt with it, not dabble in it until it's too far, to flee. Besides, are you setting a good example by looking at porn? Leading a godly lifestyle? Keeping the gift of sex sacred to you and your spouse? Spending your money on godly pursuits that will benefit the Kingdom? Nope.
   
   To take it a step farther, I charge that those who say porn has the potential to be a sin are fooling themselves. I believe porn is a sin. If looking at another person lustfully is a sin, then porn counts. There is no way around it. Some people may say they feel okay when they and their spouse watch porn together, to help their sex life, or that they don't feel it causes them a temptation and so it is not a sin. Others say they don't have a problem with it and don't feel guilty. But our own feelings about the morality of porn are not important; God commands us to flee sexuality outside of marriage and to avoid looking lustfully at anyone but our spouse. This leaves no room for porn in a Christian's life.
5. Porn isn't cheating because a spouse is not actually having sex with someone else.
   
   My answer: I'll go back to Matthew 5:27-30. Contrary to human rationale, looking at pornography is cheating. Jesus states quite clearly that lustful glances and thoughts are just another form of adultery. In a marriage, the husband and wife have promised to love each to the exclusion of all others. They promise to remain faithful body, heart, mind, and soul. God upholds the sacredness of marriage by insisting spouses reserve their sexuality solely for each other. A spouse who looks at pornographic pictures or films may not be cheating with her body, but she is certainly cheating with her mind.
   
   What is the Bible's answer for this? The passage continues by telling believers whether their eyes or hands are causing the sexual sin (i.e. whether it's something you're viewing or something you're touching physically), to get rid of the problem. Are you attracted to a friend? Only be around that person in public places. Are you aroused by pictures of women in bathing suits? Don't look at those sites. Are you addicted to porn? Set parental controls on your computer and tv and throw away the code.

Please don't misunderstand me. All people sin and fall short of the glory of God. Looking at porn does not mean God hates you or you are a terrible person. It does mean that you are sinning and you need to get right with God. This simply required repentance and change.

If you have tried to stop looking at porn and cannot, click here for help with a porn addiction.

If you have a spouse or loved one who has a problem with pornography, click here for support.

Sex can be joyous and sacred, hot and dirty, and still Godly, without pornography. As always, good luck and God bless!

For more resources on pornography addiction, support to help rid your life of porn, and testimonies from loved ones whose marriages have been torn apart by pornography, see the links below:

Software that finds and deletes porn on your computer

About porn addiction

New Life Habits porn recovery

Message boards and support for porn overuse

Dateline info on sexual compulsions

Site for wives/girlfriends of male porn addicts

Tips to break your own porn addiction