Oh, the panicked expression that comes across your face when you realize your partner wants you to try something that is inherently against your personality and desires: BDSM. Although I've never been there, I've been the cause of that panicked look several times, as I watched it spread slowly across the face of a guy who had just been asked to do something he neither wanted nor imagined enjoying.
And there's nothing wrong with that. If your first reaction to hearing the term BDSM is "Hell no!", that's okay. The fact that you're even reading this means you are open to exploring something new because you love your partner that much, so you deserve a big pat on the back whether or not you end up actually liking BDSM!
A great resource for men not sure they can like BDSM is Franklin Veaux's BDSM for the Nice Guy. And a good article for either sex about how to start slowly is AskGarnet's BDSM Warmups.
Okay, so your partner wants you to spank her or slap her. He wants you to call him dirty names. Your innermost being cringes at the thought of being mean or hitting someone you love. What do you do?
Well, you start small! Even "vanilla" (that's you!) people enjoy some light spanking, name-calling, and handcuffs. Try tying him up and telling him exactly what you want to do to him. Pin her hands over her head, crush her into a wall, and kiss her passionately, then bite her neck. There is nothing mean or unusual about these activities!
One thing that can really kill the mood for subs is when we know you are faking. I had a guy once pin me down and threaten to rape me, but he did it so uncertainly and was so obviously not into it that it totally killed the mood. Now is the time to employ acting skills. If you can't act, practice growling "Grab my cock, NOW!" or a threatening, "Did I tell you to move, slave?" alone when no one's home. It's okay to feel ridiculous! Laugh at yourself, giggle some, and then try again. Eventually, you will be able to fake the mean voice, and you might even find it turns you on. :)
Of course, a great way to dominate a sub is to just do whatever you want. For example, if you really like blow jobs or having a foot massage, get one! The trick here is, instead of asking nicely or waiting for your sub to do it, you take charge. It doesn't matter if you sound mean, angry, or horny, as long as you sound CONFIDENT! With all the confidence you can muster, pin your sub's hands to the bed, look fiercly into her eyes, and state clearly, "I want you to take off all your clothes, slowly, and then suck my cock. Now." Calling dirty names is optional here, depending on what your partner likes. Your sub's eyes will widen, she will get turned on, and she will hurry to do what you want. Everybody wins.
"But it feels mean!!!" I know, I know. But the point is, it's not mean, because your partner asked for it. Giving them something they need to feel fulfilled is actually the most loving thing you can do.
"But I don't know what to do!" Trust me, we've been there. Browse through our blog, and there are ideas for everything from talking dirty to interrogation scenes. You can get great ideas of fairly tame things to do to your sub that he will absolutely adore. Try them out and see how it works! Don't be afraid to fail, since BDSM can be tricky at the beginning. Some stuff will work, and some will not, but it's okay to mess up; just hug your partner, laugh, and try again later!
"But what if I really hurt him?" Many Doms worry about hurting their subs. This is natural. The good news is: BDSM causes endorphins, which increase pain tolerance and turn "pain" into a feeling much more like "woooow that's hot." So when you slap, pinch, or bite your partner, you're not hurting them, you're just turning them on more. Yeah, if my Dom bit me when I wasn't turn on, it would hurt! But when he does it in the middle of making out, it feels great!
If your partner wants to try something heavier, like whipping or paddling, just remember: endorphins are making this not hurt, but just feel good. You want to start slowly, hitting softly, to get the spot warmed up, and as you hit harder, you will probably be surprised to see your sub moaning and jerking like she's about to come. The truth is, she is! All those endorphins running through her system are turning to pain into pleasure, and you're not hurting her, you're just turning her on!
"But I feel guilty." This is actually a problem my Dom had at first. He could not admit that he might be turned on by the idea of hurting or raping me. Society has drummed into our heads that This Is Wrong. And of course, it is, unless the person wants it! :) Is it okay to be turned on by hurting your spouse? Yep. Is it okay to get off on calling him names and making him cry? Yep! Are you still a good person if you secretly think it's hot to rip her clothes off and rape her savagely? Absolutely!
The point is, these fantasies are completely normal and nothing to feel guilty about. As you explore BDSM and see how much it turns your partner on, of course you are going to start getting turned on, too! This means you are normal (Halelujia!). These things are only wrong if you force an unwilling participant. But since your partner is asking for it, jump in and enjoy the turn-on! At first my Dom couldn't imagine wanting to hurt me or rape me. But when I encouraged him to go deep into his fantasies, and assured him I wouldn't judge him, he eventually was able to find these thoughts sexy and really enjoy the power trip.
"Isn't BDSM against the Bible?" Nope! In the Old Testament God talks about how to treat your servants and slaves. He encourages you to discipline and even beat wayward "servants." In the New Testament, Paul discusses how submission is important in every relationship. One person has dominance, and the other has submission. If you want to explore that sexually, it's okay!
I can only hope this blog has helped. I have heard of too many relationships and marriages that have ended, or decided to turn polygamous, because the sub wanted to feel deliciously dominated and the husband just couldn't imagine being a Dom. This is incredibly sad, and BDSM should never mean the end of a marriage. Just plow in, be willing to explore, and have fun!
4 comments:
try putting the shoe on the other foot and understand it from a vanilla woman's viewpoint? My husband of 20 years suddenly got introduced to porn sites online and became very curious about BDSM . He has discovered that he is Not a Dom but still is interested in some of the kinky stuff. Sends me Tumblr pics on kik and wants me to send them to him. But, I took a test and found out I have no kink and a complete aversion to anything BDSM. I feel like I have to constantly compete with the porn girls who do it. How can this be Godly?? It caused my hubby to cheat online with several women. I do everything to satisfy him and find that most of the kink stuff is not me at all. It makes me distrust him and worry and fear for our relationship. I simply cannot see how any of this could truly be motivated by Christ. It is almost killing me. I M now extremely depressed by my husband's need to Expressh
... Continued... And my husband wants me also to post hot pics to him about things I am interested in doing. We'll, since I don't think kinky stuff at all, I text him nice quotes, couples holding hands or kissing, fully clothed, etc. But he wants me to get more into it. I only am looking into it because I worry he will cheat on me if I don't. How can this be a good, Godly thing, if it caused him to cheat and do porn? Please stop deluding yourself. If kink has caused so many divorces as you say, how can it be right?
Also, haven't you just turned your husband into a willing abuser? If ever you would die and he would remarry, wouldn't the new wife be at high risk of abuse?
Anonymous:
I'm sorry for your pain. First let me say that BDSM did not "cause" your husband to sin. Your husband did that on his own. It is not BDSM's fault. A Christian man should not be looking at porn. You should never have to compete with porn stars; you should be his one and only! If he is curious about BDSM, that needs to be between the two of you, not include other people or porn.
To my knowledge, kink has never caused divorce, but rather two people having incompatible sexual desires causes divorce. It's not the fault of kink (or vanilla) as two kinky people or two vanilla people will be very happy with their sexual relationship.
If your husband is a Christian man, he can't cheat on you. To do so would be a sin, and to blame a sin on kink would be wrong. It is his own decision as he has free will.
No, I haven't turned my husband into a willing abuser. We are both very clear on the difference between kink and abuse. Kink is consensual and enjoyable, abuse is not. I do not allow my husband to abuse me and he would never do such a thing. Many people new to kink can't see a difference, but the community has put a lot of effort into safety for everyone, making it very clear that kink without consent is abuse. If only one person enjoys it, it is abuse. If both people enjoy it, it's a legitimate expression of sexual pleasure in a marriage.
No, he would never abuse a woman. He respects women. If a woman were not interested in kink, he would have to decide which were more important to him: having a kinky partner, or this woman. And then he'd have to make a choice.
I'm sorry your husband discovered kink through sinning (porn). Encourage him to share his ideas with you, and try to be open to them and encourage him to be open to your ideas, but neither of you have an excuse to watch porn or cheat and if he tries to use it as an excuse he's dead wrong. Maybe just agree that you can each make an effort -- every other time try something kinky for him, every other time do something vanilla for you, etc.
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