Advanced Safety for BDSM

Sometimes, safewords don't work. This can be because someone is too into the scene to even be aware they're being hurt and need to stop (endorphins are that powerful!), are too scared to safeword, or don't feel comfortable stopping you if they think you want it.

So how do you make sure that BDSM stays safe, sane, and consenual if your partner gets into a place where he can't or won't safeword?

This is where advanced safety comes into play.

Solution One: Stoplight codes. Rather than just have one safeword that means, "STOP NOW!", sometimes a little warning for the Dom to slow things down or try a different tact can save a scene. Don't wait til it gets so bad you can't take it. Periodically check in with each other to see how the scene is going. "Green" means "Great, I'm loving it, keep going!," while "yellow" means "Proceed with caution, I'm not sure about this, you're hurting me, we need to slow down or back up," and "red" obviously means "Too much, stop now!"

Solution Two: nonverbal signals. Agree upon a nonverbal way to check in with each other. One great idea as a top is to grab your partner's hand (or whatever) and give a firm squeeze. If everything is a-okay, your partner squeezes back. No squeeze, or a squeeze delivered after some hesitation, lets you know you need to stop, back up, or slow down.

Solution Three: Know, know, know your sub. A sub who is so high on endorphins she can't feel pain may beg you to keep going long after it is safe for her! Or, a sub who has gotten so into role that he now believes it is real will be too frightened to safeword, even if you ask if he's okay. The top must be hypervigilant during scenes! If your sub's skin starts to look red or chapped, stop, even if they complain. If your sub seems tuned out, frightened, tense, or upset, stop the scene. Make sure the coherent adult, not an endorphin-drunk, horny bottom or a terrified, panicking sub is the one answering you when you ask if she's okay. You can't trust what a sub in subspace says, so use your own judgement and make sure you don't do anything your sub will hate you for later.

Above all: when in doubt, stop! You can always try again another day.