A Kinkster's Guide: Rape Fantasies: Are They Normal?

Many women (and men) are disturbed by rape fantasies. They think they must be sick, immoral, or wrong. They harbor these fears in secret, never sharing them with partners, ashamed and afraid. I'm here to tell you that these feelings are normal! Before we talk about how to incorporate rape fantasies into BDSM, let's explore some basics of the common fetish of rape fantasies.

Q: Are rape fantasies normal?
Absolutely! They are one of the most common fantasies around. An article by Saneesh Michael says that "most" women have them. While I'm not sure where she got this idea, it is certainly a common phenomenon. I know many of my female friends have sighed with relief when we finally talked about it, saying, "Good! I didn't know this was normal, and I thought I was crazy!"

Q: How many people have them, exactly?
It depends on which studies you read. Some studies say 19%, some say 47%, and the highest says 59%. The most current research estimates that anywhere from a third to half of all women have them. These fantasies could vary from being unwillingly seduced to orgasm to violent scenes of painful, savage rape. Of course, the study results depend on the women surveyed and the questions asked, but either way, rape fantasies are definitely common.

Q: What does having these fantasies mean? Am I sick or masochistic?
Several years ago, psychiatrists used to think so, but now researchers have shown this to be false. They now think these fantasies indicate other things. The common idea that "women who fantasize of rape actually want to be raped" is false. There are many theories out there, some better than others:

"Women have been taught to repress their sexual urges, so rape gives them a way to remain innocent while still being sexually active." However, studies on this have been inconclusive. Some studies found a women who felt guilty about sex were more likely to have rape fantasies, some found there was no relationship, and some found women who didn't feel guilty about sex were more likely to fantasize about being raped. In general, the newest research seems to suggest this theory is incorrect.
"Women find it sexy to be so desired that a man will break all the rules to have her." Some women are simply excited by the idea of being so sexually powerful and seen as so desirable that a man would absolutely lose control and take her against her will.
"Women are biologically predisposed to violence and rape in mating." The theory of biological predisposition would explain why both men and women have rape fantasies: women have a need to be fought over, pursued, and dominated, while men have a need to seek, fight, overpower, and dominate. It is certainly true that some male animals fight for their female, then try to awe her in a display of dominance. Perhaps we are simply acting out our wildest, most primal instincts.
"Emotional arousal heightens sexual arousal." Many studies have proven that feeling frightened, anxious, or angry before sex heightens the sexual drive. Women whose blood is already pumping and emotional state is already aroused are much quicker to respond sexually to graphic pictures. This is why many people are especially passionate after a fight or when they have just been badly frightened. This theory helps explain why rape fantasies, and BDSM in general, might help heighten sexual pleasure for women.

Q: I have actually been raped, but I still have rape fantasies.
From what I've read, this is very normal. As a very wise Fetlife member said, "Having rape fantasies is normal for women. And raped or not, you are still a normal woman." Sometimes your brain may take scenes from the actual rape, as a chance to make a terrible moment exciting, sexual, and in your control. Other times, you will simply fantasize about being overpowered like other women do. Either way, this is normal and healthy.

Q: Do men have rape fantasies, too?
Absolutely. Although, surprisingly, men have fewer rape fantasies than women. Many men are ashamed to admit it, but actually it is natural for a man to want to overpower and dominate his mate. Just as the women who fantasize don't want to actually be raped, these men do not actually wish to harm or rape a woman.

Q: I am a man who fantasizes about being the victim of rape, or a woman fantasizing about raping a man. Is this normal?
While it is less common, this is still normal. Some women enjoy the power trip of raping a man, forcing him to have sex at knife- or gunpoint. And some men enjoy the idea of being completely dominated by a woman, just as women do. These are both sane fantasies.

Q: Do these fantasies mean women and men actually want to participate in a rape?
No! While both genders have fantasies about raping or being raped, having these thoughts doesn't mean they want to make them real. Some people prefer to keep them as fantasies, sharing them with no one. Others like to act them out with their partners, using standard BDSM scene etiquette by communicating and agreeing beforehand, utilizing safewords, and "playing" rape. For either gender, nonconsenual or truly violent rape is a sexy thought but an abhorrent reality.

Q: Why are rape fantasies sexy for some people?
A woman in an online article put it this way: "I think it's innate for every woman to have an internal need to be wanted so badly that a man would take sex from her." My friend D. explained to me, "I think it's just the idea of someone being in control of you...*happy sigh*" Our friend C. chimed in, "It's just the next natural step beyond regular domination and submission." My Dom likes the power trip, and I enjoy the feeling of being totally vulnerable and helpless, while being totally desired by a strong, masculine man who has overpowered me emotionally and physically.

Q: Is it safe for my partner and me to act out our rape fantasies?
This depends. For some, it may be too disturbing or traumatic, which is why you should never try it without a safeword. Also, lots of communication beforehand is crucial, because you could inflict serious emotional damage in a rape scene gone wrong. If a rape scene sounds like too much, your fantasies should probably stay safely in your head. But if you want to try it, go ahead; with two consenting adults who both get off on the thrill of rape play, it can be perfectly safe and healthy.

Q: What could be the benefits of acting out my rape fantasies?
For one, it's sexy. :) Another is that the heightened emotional and physical sensations of struggling, being frightened or scared, and fighting your attacker will make your body wake up and your blood start pumping, making you more turned on! Also, it can be very healing to admit these fantasies and act them out in a safe scenario, knowing they are normal and healthy. And if you have been the victim of rape or abuse, sometimes rape scenes give you the chance to re-write history, taking back a part of yourself that was lost and re-creating the event under your own control, by your own rules, and with your own consent.

Warning: While BDSM can be healing, some people need serious therapy. BDSM is not a substitute for professional help. Rape play is inherently dangerous, playing on the edge of emotional trauma, so subdrop and topdrop are especially likely, and aftercare is absolutely crucial.