"Natural Submission"

I had a great question from a fellow blogger...

What does "natural submission" mean to me? Why do I use that phrase so much in my blog?

Obviously, I don't identify as naturally submissive; my blogs are pretty clear on that. But it's a phrase I use because I hear it so much on the FetLife community. In the Submissive Women group, I feel like the women there are sometimes obsessed with being "naturally submissive." I want to ask them why being naturally submissive, as opposed to having to work at it, or (gasp!) being forced into it, is the preferred state. Women seem to wear it as a badge of honor: "I'm NATURALLY submissive," or worse, "I'm a true submissive."

Does that make the rest of us false submissives? Bad subs? Of lesser value? I'm not sure if that is the intended meaning, but for some women, I think they believe that if they can't hammer their personality into being a true or natural submissive, they aren't being 100% submissive.

My view is that submission is something that can be attained in many ways. You can have a personality that is naturally more complacent and focused on pleasing other people, or you can be a spitfire of a man or woman, with money and opinions and education of your own. There is no one right or true way into submission.

As far as Dominants go, from what I can tell, there are those who like all manner of subs. Some of them expect a women to fall at their feet after the first badly spelled and pornographic intro message (as if). Some want a sub who is submissive to all Masters and Mistresses and Dominants, while others expect their sub to only answer to them and treat everyone else as equals, regardless of BDSM "status." I've certainly read forums where Doms and Masters--and their female counterparts--are looking for subs who are assertive and brave in most areas of their lives. It all depends on what a particular Top wants.

So why do I use the phrase "naturally submissive" a lot in my blog? Well, usually because I'm starting the sentence with "I'm not _______". And I'm not. I use this idea because it is so prevalent, sometimes even desired, by subs I come across in the blogging and Fetlife communities. If that's what they want? What their Tops want? What they desire to be? Awesome. I have no issue with it.

But I hope my blog makes it clear that you don't have to be a "naturally submissive" sub to be a "good" sub. I've identified a quality that many subs seem to lust after, or parade around if they've already attained it. And I'm trying to show that I don't need to be that person, that I'm not that person.

People will sometimes send me emails, asking my advice about something or other in their BDSM lifestyles. I try make it clear through my writings that yes, there are many, many, many people out there who strive for the "naturally submissive" approach, but that isn't all of us. I want to highlight that it's possible to be a success in your D/s or M/s relationship and still not conform to certain ideals in the community. You can be a strong man or woman and still make some Top very happy.

Naturally submissive? Truly submissive? Or do you have to work at it? Or do you have to be tied up and beaten into submission?

It's all good to me.

Needing to Be Choked to Submit

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I did. I had a great time visiting with my family and both the Christmas services I went to were very inspirational (I went to one with my family and another one with my husband once he arrived in town).

Now we are back home for a few days before we travel again for the New Year holidays. I'm pretending I don't see the huge pile of boxes waiting to be unpacked. What boxes? Where?

Last night, my Dom and I were together alone for the first time in over a week. Say what I will about sexual liberation and all that, I just can't bring myself to have sex in my parents' house. My mother has an unfortunate habit of walking into my high school bedroom without knocking whenever she wants, and I think if we disappeared for 45 minutes they'd all know what we were doing anyway. No, thank you. So we had a nice time last night, got one precious hour of alone time before we had to put our clothes back on and say goodbye to the kitties again in order to head out to his parents' house and do Christmas celebration there. (Note: my husband forgot to tell me, when I left our house wearing a dress, tights, and boots, that his family wears sweats and jeans to their Christmas.... so I was a bit overdressed. Oops.)

When we finally got back, I was all ready to go again, but we were both tired and that makes us grouchy. My husband is a lot less dominating when he is tired or has been drinking; he sort of turns into just a regular man. While this is okay for our real life, it makes it impossible for me to get turned on in our sex life.

All I wanted him to do was choke me or yank my hair so I couldn't move. I eventually told him what I wanted, and he did it, but of course it isn't the same when your Dom is grabbing your neck to screw you because you want him to, and not because he wants to. It's somehow much less sexy.

So I have to wonder: why do I need restraint to have sex? I have several theories, which I will share here:

• Maybe I'm not "naturally submissive" enough to just lie there and take it. I want to be wrestled down and have it taken from me. Otherwise, I feel a bit bored by the whole thing. And it is im-poss-ible for me to stay interested in a sexual act that I feel bored and disengaged by. It's like he's just using my body, and my mind and heart are not engaged at all.


• I tend to disengage from sex, whether as a result from past abuse or due to my own emotional issues. Having a hand on my throat, or my wrists tied tightly and yanked above my head, or a harsh pull on my hair, helps me stay engaged with what is happening. If I don't have that "anchor" to sex, I float away from it and feel completely disengaged from my body. Not only is that not fair to my husband, but it's a scary feeling for me, and one that I hate, so of course I'd prefer to be roughed up a bit so I can stay "in the moment."


• Sex is often depicted as not as good for the woman as for the man. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I'd say it's true in my marriage that my Dom enjoys sex more often than I do. So if I'm not getting pleasure out of it, I might as well be getting pain or mental excitement out of it.... otherwise, why bother? Just give me a good book and a plate of warm cookies and forget the whole "sex" thing.


• I can't get turned on if I don't feel like my husband is being dominant. I'm not interested in vanilla sex... after my first taste of BDSM-style sex, I was hooked forever. This frustrates my husband, who is sometimes too tired to want to put the effort in for full-on domination, but mostly it suits our styles.

I'm not sure which is the reason, but my guess is it's a little bit of all of the above.

My two cats are sprawled out beside me, one on each end of the couch asleep like little bookends, both collapsed there with the complete abandon that only truly happy cats can attain. Maybe I should leave more often, if coming home again makes them both so happy and friendly.

I hope you all had a great Christmas! More ruminations to follow.

Christmas Toy Giveaways and Sales!

The season of the birth of Christ is upon us! I hope you are all celebrating the occasion with your family and loved ones. I am heading up to spend the week with my parents, and I'll be joined by my hubby on the 24th when he gets off work. I'm excited to see family and friends, conclude the season of Advent, and celebrate the coming of the greatest Man who ever lived!

If any of you are keeping Christmas gift-giving small this year due to the economy (we are!!!! we made several gifts, kept the purchased ones very small, and gave the rest to charity), you'll be interested in these sexy toy giveaways or sales:

• Fetlife is giving away over $15,000 worth of kinky toys, bondage and fetish gear, etc. There are no vibrators or anything, but there are sex machines, canes, paddles, plastic suits, and other cool things! If you're not registered for Fetlife, it's free!
• Babeland has some holiday kits and also some good stuff on clearance. They're also offering free shipping for the holidays if you spend more than $99.
• Good Vibrations is having a holiday sale on Buzzlet vibrators and is offering free shipping on orders over $100.

There are surely other sales, but those two are my favorite stores, plus I LOVE Fetlife for obvious reasons.

Whatever you buy, remember the season is about giving and joy, not how much money you spend or how many gifts you receive!

Enjoy the holidays and Merry Christmas!

Lady Lubyanka's First Experience with Subspace

For you Dominants out there, I thought I'd share a great blog post I just found: Lady Lubyanka's First Experience with Subspace.

A lot of BDSM and sex toy sites are of a dismally low quality, and I'm quite choosy about which links I share on my blog. Trust me, this one is great. Lady Lubyanka is a great writer and hilarious.

The story is from when she was a new Domme playing for the first time with a male sub. It was her first experience putting a sub into subspace, and I think it's a great learning tool for tops. Enjoy!

When being dominated is as necessary as breathing

This morning, as my husband prepared to leave for work, I rolled over and sleepily asked him, "Could you hold me and make me safe?"

I'm not sure why, but since my parents got divorced in my early 20s I've always felt safer if a man "squished" me, holding me tight so I can't move. Loose, half-hearted hugs just make me feel anxious and nervous---not safe at all. I want a man whose strong arms can embrace and protect me.

Normally in the mornings, I don't feel that needy. He crawled into bed and smashed me against him, asking if something was wrong.

"I feel sad... no... worried," I mumbled, not really sure what name to give the emotion I was feeling. Finally I murmured, "We didn't do anything dominating or submissive last night, so I don't feel safe."

And that was it. Some people do BDSM because it's fun, or kinky, or a change of pace. Others do it 24/7, because it's in the fabric of their being and simply who they are. Me, I engage in BDSM because it makes me feel safe, like someone is interested and invested enough in me to take the time to dominate me and make me his.

"Try not to worry about it," my husband said soothingly.

Even half asleep, I knew this wasn't a simple matter of not worrying about it. There are some things you can not worry about, and there are some things you need whether or not you try to worry about them. I could easily tell the drowning man to relax and "not worry about" his lack of air, but that wouldn't stop him from dying. That's how I feel about being dominated. I need it, not a physical need like air or water, but an emotional need, feeling safe and secure in my environment.

I wonder if my "feeling safe" when a man controls me in a good, positive way is linked to my over-controlling mother or my overly passive father. Maybe both. My mother loved me, but she controlled me viciously. Still, for all that, I had no doubt I was safe with her, that she would protect me with her life and fiercly too. With her around, I was safe from other people and myself. She wouldn't let anyone but herself hurt me. The two somehow got linked in my head.

Or perhaps it's because I saw my parents get divorced, a slow, bitter process that took place during the years I was forming my views on what love and relationships were about, during my teens and early 20s. By the age of 17, when I entered a bookstore I made a beeline straight toward the Relationship Help section. I poured over marriage help books and knew more as much about research on marital problems and solutions as most of the counselors and therapists I saw.

And why did my parents get divorced? Aside from my mom controlling, my dad was too passive. He didn't engage in a relationship with my mother. He did her laundry, cooked her food, cleaned her house, and drove her kids to practice, but that was it. It didn't matter if she was angry or sad or worried---he didn't engage in whatever was happening in her life. He was passive with me, too. I knew he loved me, but I also knew I wasn't safe with him. If someone attacked me physically or emotionally, I knew I'd have to fend for myself. Most of the time this person was my mother. Aside from 1 or 2 instances where my dad intervened, I dealt with emotional abuse on my own. When my father heard about what happened, he would sigh and say that I knew how my mother was and I should be more patient and try not to make her mad. When I had nail marks down my arm, he shook his head sadly and suggested I wear long sleeves to school the next day. (In his defense, I later accused him of standing by while my brother and I were abused, and he explained that he would often talk to my mother afterward and tell her not to hit or yell at us, but... is that really enough?)

To me, men slowly became nice commodities, good for paying for dates or doing housework, but not strong. Not men. Not warriors or protectors like men are described in the Bible and in the best literature, but mere baubles. If I wanted to be protected, I would have to do it myself.

This was driven home to me a few times that did NOT involve my mother. When I was about 20, out at a restaurant with my dad, an elderly gentleman sitting next to me leered at me suggestively and made a remark about how glad he was to be seated next to me. Cringing away, I looked to my dad next to me. He didn't glare at the guy or even bat an eyelash. He shrugged and said, "I guess he's happy to have a young co-ed sitting next to him." Even in the smallest ways, my dad clearly was not going to stand up for me, much less get offended on my behalf.

Another time, I was on vacation with my dad and I was sexually assaulted by a man twice my age. Without telling my father what had happened, I explained shakily that this person had scared me with unwanted advances and whatever happened, to please make sure he wasn't around me tomorrow. My dad utterly failed. The sexual perpetrator not only joined our touring group without a word of protest from my dad, but stripped off his clothes and went swimming with us, trailed me around the streets of Greece, and then joined our lunch table. My father did not say or do anything, except when he found me, huddled under a towel and unwilling to go into the water with the man wearing just my bikini, advised me to "Not let anyone ruin the day" for me. I snapped that if he thought the day wasn't already ruined, he had no idea what had happened, and flounced into the ocean, joined by an 18-year-old girl in our tour group who had noticed the older man's strange fascination with me and whispered to me that she, at least, would stay with me that day.

After the most awkward lunch ever, our tour group plus my unwanted would-be rapist, my father blithely eating and chatting, I was horrified to see my father get up and leave me the last person at the table. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that, my father up ahead chatting with new friends, the man I was trying to avoid, who had sexually attacked me fewer than 24 hours ago in his hotel room, hung back and tried to start up a conversation with me. When I furiously relayed this to my father five minutes later, he couldn't understand why I was so upset. Did I want him to be rude to the guy?, he asked reasonably.

The answer is YES. I wanted my father to understand how small and vulnerable and disgusting I felt. I certainly didn't want him to challenge the man to a duel, but he could have quietly led me away from the tour group and claimed we were having father-daughter time. He could have discreetly taken that man aside and politely informed him that he was making his daughter uncomfortable and it might be best if he left us alone for the day. In short, he could have protected me, instead of ignoring the problem and being passive, just like he did with my mother for years.

I know I'm rambling, but I wonder if these experiences contributed to my need to feel dominated and safe. With a passive father, I learned to stand up for myself, but I still burned from the injustice of it. Where were the men the Bible described, the men of movies and books and legends, men who were strong, brave, and protective? Men who don't leave you alone to fend for yourself when you are threatened physically or emotionally.

And so, perhaps I learned to equate dominance and power with manliness. (I understand there are many Dommes and Mistresses out there... I refer only to my own personal preferences.) So when my husband told me this morning "not to worry about it," that didn't make sense to me. Of course I want to feel safe. I want to feel like my husband will protect me from myself, but also from our parents, nasty coworkers, and uncouth friends. Whether it's an unexpected attack at a grocery store or a firework that explodes accidentally, I want a Dom who will protect me. Someone brave. Someone dominating. Someone with power. Someone in control of the circumstances.

That's just as important as breathing to me.

The Other Morning

The other morning, my Dom fingered me---against my will---from behind. With his thumb.

Apparently this was just his way of making me feel owned and conquered before he went off the work for the day and I drifted back to sleep in our bed.

The thing about fingering with the thumb is that 1. it can feel great and 2. it can hurt. It all depends on the desires and abilities of the one doing the fingering.

The pros of using your thumb? It's shorter, so you don't get any painful fingers jamming into your poor, abused cervix. Also, the curve fits nicely into the curves of a woman's body, providing pleasurable pressure and hitting the G-spot.

The cons are that the thumb can be blunt and painful when jammed in the wrong way. Also, as with any fingering, having nails that are not meticulously trimmed can really scrape up a woman's vaginal walls. And trust me, fellas, the after-sting from untrimmed nails is not a good feeling. She'll be thinking about you all day, but it won't be in a good way.

Is this new morning wake-up just a one-time fancy of my husband's, or is this indicative of a sexual pattern he is going to start in our relationship?

I don't know, but I loved it, even when I hated it. And I hated it, even when I loved it. And then, exhausted, sore, and used, I fell back into the peaceful sleep of a woman much loved.

Confessions of a Choke-aholic

Some women are chocoholics. I am becoming a choke-aholic.

I had some delicious times with my Dom the last few days. I wouldn't call them "scenes," exactly, since they were not set times when we played, but rather just the few hours before bedtime when I can relax and ask him to "Dominate me," my constant plea right around those sleepy bedtime hours.

We have packed all our toys away in preparation for a future move, so we don't have the paddle or the slapper or most of our bondage stuff. No nipple clamps (sad face), which are actually just plastic clothes pins in kinky disguise.

But we still have fun.

The other night, he choked me. At first I felt quite smug, knowing he might be trying to scare me but would never get me close to passing out (see his admonitions on the subject here). After a few minutes of restricted air, I started to panic. And somehow, he knew just when to let go... he felt that time when I was really getting panicked, digging my nails into him and squirming like a hellion, but before I passed out.

It was a wonderful feeling. Once I gasped for breath, my body was flooded with the most wonderful, peaceful relaxation. It was like taking a dose of a wonderful drug that only lasted for about 10 seconds, but felt great when it did.

At the same time, choking can be dangerous. People have died playing with kinky asphixiation. If you hold off your partner's air too long, you can cause a stroke or heart attack. For me, we didn't get that far, but it still caused a headache once the blood when throbbing back into my head. With choking, you must always be very aware of the risks. My partner and I have only begun trying prolonged choking now, several years into our BDSM relationship. It can be dangerous.

However, having the man in my life be in so much control of me was both powerfully peaceful and an aphrodisiac. It made me go limp, open to his every desire or command. In that state of mind, I want him to boss me around, just to show his control. I love the feeling of weightless submission, where I feel floaty and peaceful and ridiculously obedient all at the same time. I can't understand why he doesn't take advantage of it more, since normally I am a mouthy little spit-fire. :)

The downside of getting me to this place?

It can hurt. Being choked or spanked or just bossed around hurts--either your body or your pride. Naturally, we want to fight against it. If my Dom starts the process of hurting me, but doesn't push me past the place where pain gives way to endorphins, relaxation, and submission, I just get pissy and more mouthy (read: less submissive) than normal. He is learning that he has to keep going at it to push me past the rebellious stage and into the subspace, willing-slave stage. If not? He has an angry, pissed-off redhead at his hands. (This is something that should strike fear into the hearts of all men.)

Will we play with choking and asphixiation all the time? No, because it's dangerous, and neither of us wants me to be in real danger. Would I recommend this activity for everybody? Absolutely not, especially if you are relatively new to the kinky lifestyle. But with a lifelong partner you know and trust.... trust me, it can be a turn-on.

Becoming a submissive

As we approach our one-year anniversary, I've been deep in thought about how our relationship has changed and grown. Although I had real trouble with the submissive lifestyle in the beginning, that's slowly changing. Once I was in the safety and security of a marriage, I felt safe enough to trust my Dom and slowly give up some of my stubborn, hell-bent-on-my-way attitude. Obviously, this is something that needed to go for our D/s relationship to work. :)

I asked my Dom this week if he were surprised by how our relationship turned out. He said no, but he is happy, and that he had hoped I would eventually become more docile and he could become more bossy.

Do we still have issues with our D/s relationships? Sure. Because unlike some kinksters, I don't have a desire to submit myself all the time. Rather, I more often wish to be conquered--to fight it out and be defeated. This can be hard when my Dom is expecting "submission" and I am expecting "conquest."

But we're learning.

Slowly, I'm learning that submitting out of my own will is not necessarily "giving in" or "losing." And my husband is learning that to a wife with strict internal guidelines as to what is fair or right, sometimes he can't just sit back and expect me to give in, but he has to rise to the challenge and make me. Whether that entails pinning my hands so I can't fight him, tying me up, or just giving me a stern look and threatening to spank me, he's learning that there are ways to facilitate my submission to him. He's also learning that even when I complain that he's being too bossy or controlling, it's often more bark than bite, and I'll let him get away with it if he keeps pushing.

I've always been attracted to the D/s lifestyle, from the first time I heard about it. Over time, I've changed my mind as to what kind of D/s relationship I want, from Owner/puppy to Dom/sub to Master/slave to Christian Domestic Discipline to Taken in Hand to bondage to spanking. Sometimes our attempts at D/s have worked better than others. But overall, I feel I'm well on the way to being conquered and turned, eventually, into a truly submissive wife.

Eventually.

Ways to Encourage a Submissive Attitude

While some subs and slaves like to brag about how they are "true submissives" or "naturally submissive," I think that's a load of hogwash. Yes, some of us are more naturally submissive or passive, and others have to work at it.

Me? I have to work at being submissives sometimes. Sometimes, I have to be forced into it by my hubby. Sometimes, he can't force me into it and he has to punish me or let me get away with it---whatever he decides. And sometimes, I feel naturally submissive.

And I'm like the weather. You never know which one I'm going to be from day to day.

How to my husband and I deal with this? For those of us who aren't always (or ever) "naturally" submissive, hope is not lost. There are ways to foster the feeling of submission and feeling small or overpowered. And these are things that both of you can do as well!

For the Dom/Domme:

• be consistent with your behavior, even if your sub does not respond consistently


• provide punishment for bad behavior quickly. Give 1 or 2 chances, not 10 or 12, and then punish your sub if he or she doesn't respond the way you want them to.


• find ways to assert your dominance, even in small everyday matters. Be bossy! Get your sub used to taking orders all the time, not only at certain times of day or during a scene.


• find a "codeword" or symbol and train your sub to feel submissive when he or she hears this command


• make punishments harsher to give your sub some extra motivation to behave!


• find ways to make your sub relax; this will lead him to obey


• require her to do something that will remind her of her submission to you every hour or every few hours to keep her in the submissive mindset


• give "maintenance spankings"

For the sub:

• have a glass of wine or a beer to help you relax. A relaxed sub will naturally feel more submissive.


• have a mantra or routine that you do throughout the day to help you retain your subby feeling and not drift back up into "topspace."


• read submissive journals and blogs


• keep a submissive journal


• work on bettering yourself or doing 1 nice thing for your Dominant each day

Any other ideas? Add 'em in the comments! :)

Blogging Rocks!

The sex education blogger community--one which I count myself lucky to be so involved in--is not, whatever people think, all about sex and weirdo fetishes. It's about researching a topic, interviewing experts in that field, and sharing your new knowledge with your readers.

Why did I start blogging about sex, kinky lifestyles, and BDSM? Because I think it's a fascinating area to research. It's certainly never boring! I've been very lucky to have been so accepted in the online sex community, and you can find me as a contributing author on Kinky Sex Link, Fascinations, FetLife, Adult Blog Hub, Formspring, in Babeland and Good Vibrations as a reviewer, and many other sites! I love blogging about sex-positive education.

Why?

I think it's important for people to be safe, healthy, and positive about every aspect of our lives. I also write a personal blog, a private blog for my husband, blog entries on Fetlife and Kinky Sex Link, a public activism blog, and a relationship advice blog. Why? Because I think all these topics are important enough to write about.

Sure, I'm prolific. I adore writing, so it's a great hobby for me. I also adore meeting new people and finding out all I can about their lives. Blogging is one way to do that.

So thanks, all you readers. To all of you who follow me on Twitter, leave comments, and generally haunt this site, thank you. I hope we have many more times together!

Do Our Adolescent Fantasies Tell Us Who We Are?

Of course, most of us discovered our burgeoning sexuality when we were teenagers. Aside from a minority of people who were very aware of sexuality at an early age, or who were the victims of tragedy such as sexual abuse, most people start thinking a lot about sex, sexuality, the opposite (or same) sex, kissing, and fantasies when they hit puberty.

Yesterday, I was ruminating... do our adolescent fantasies predict that kinksters we will become?

Sometimes, the answer is yes. I've heard stories from kinksters who report being strangely fascinated by spanking or bondage at a young age. My own first fantasies at the age of 15 or 16 were probably "kinky," although at the time I had no idea what was normal or even what the word "kinky" meant.

I'll give some examples. When I was 15, I fantasized about being raped. I would wonder to myself what that meant about me. Did that mean I really wanted to be raped? I thought I probably wouldn't, but I wasn't sure. Did fantasizing about it make me wrong? But after thought, I decided it was probably my fantasy, not actual rape, that turned me on. Still, I would often soothe myself to sleep with thoughts of being roughly savaged by an older, strangely sexual man. He wanted me so much that he took me, and that was what made it sexy. Still, I can vouch that in this case, the fantasy is nicer than the reality, because if my husband tries to force himself on me, I get annoyed and snarly rather than submissive and turned on.

Another of my favorite fantasies was an older, evil/sexy man who would force-feed me a magic pill that would make me shamefully, intensely turned on against my own will. He would then proceed to finger me, while I remained silent and unwilling yet undeniably burning "down there." Of course, at the end, proud and resistant to the last, I would have an earth-shattering orgasm against my will. Was it the shame of the orgasm, or the orgasm itself, that turned me on so much?

I also liked the idea of being kidnapped by an older man, together with my terribly cute (imaginary) boyfriend. Oh, I had boyfriends in real life, but none of them were as innocent and completely hot as the boyfriend in my fantasies. The man would force us to have sex. It didn't matter if he watched us or not; the point was that it was forced upon us.

I think these fantasies said something about me at that age. They all included much older men, men who were attracted by my innocence and who wanted me for themselves. In all of them, I was forced to enjoy some sexual activity. Perhaps, to my young mind, this "being forced" was what was so sexy. I could enjoy sex without loosing my innocence; it was all taking place against my will. The fact that I enjoyed it only made it sexier.

Now that I'm a married adult, sex is no longer taboo, and therefore the rape fantasies have lost their appeal. I don't really want to be raped or forced to do something that I can already do anytime of my own free will. But in my fantasies, I got to have both: maintain my innocence and experience illicit pleasure. It was the tantalizing idea of an older, sexual man forcing me to enjoy pleasure against my will that I loved.

Did I know I would be kinky when I was 15 or 16? No.

But looking back at what I liked then, it sure doesn't surprise me now.

On Vacation!

My apologies for the lack of posts recently. All is well in our household--we are trying to sell the house, working full-time, I'm doing musicals in my free time, and we're praying about when to start our family--but we've just been swamped!

Today we are off on vacation to the Bahamas so wish us a safe journey! I will be back to the world of S&M, kink, and BDSM blogging next week!

Why Can't He Be In Charge?

Why, according to most strangers I meet, is my husband obviously the "man" and therefore the obedient servant in our marriage?

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm quite grateful for women's rights in this country, and I think my husband is, too. But in recent years, it has become the norm to assume that in most married partnerships, the woman is the one who wears the pants in the family. She makes the decisions, she makes the schedules, she doles out the responsibilities, and the man just obeys. Probably the man works longer hours and makes more money, but home is "her domain" and he is probably little more than a helper there.

Where do people get these ideas?

Once, my husband and I were out at the grocery store with a mutual friend. I saw some frozen waffles I wanted and asked if we could get them. My Dom said sure and grabbed the box. Our friend laughed and said, "He probably had no choice, did he?"

Well, first off, my Dom would probably never tell me no on something as silly and small as frozen blueberry waffles, but still. Why did our friend automatically assume that anything I want, I get? Because I am the woman. I am the wife. The better half, the one who is assumed to be in charge. Like my husband couldn't veto me on buying some waffles?

It bugs me when people assume I'm the woman so I must have the emotional and financial control in the relationship, and that my husband's one goal in life is to make me happy. (Lucky for me, it probably is, but it's because he wants it that way for our relationship and because he loves me, not because he's a wuss who has nothing better to do than wait on me hand and foot.)

Yesterday, I was at a rehearsal for a play I'm in. An actor was missing for the night, and it was causing some problems as everyone tried to figure out where exactly we needed to go. Since my husband was there early to pick me up, I asked him to come stand in for the missing actor. Of course, this is an easy request and he came over without hesitation. Another actor, one who had never met my husband before, looked at me admiringly and said, "He's very obedient."

Really??!?!

In our society, unequal treatment of women continues, but now I think it's getting out of balance the other way. If a woman is in charge of her husband, bosses him around, and has him run errands for her, that is considered normal. On the other hand, if any man tried to get away treating his wife that way in this day and age, oh boy would that be looked down upon! Strangers automatically assume that if we're married, I'm in charge of most things and his job is to make me happy.

My own mother, a very strong feminist who has been living in completely female-dominated relationships for the last 25 years, even subscribes to this kind of thought. She bosses her new husband around without a thought, but I've never once seen her get up to do him a favor or to get him something from the kitchen. She takes it for granted that my marriage is the same. "Call [my husband's name] and tell him to come let me in the house," she told me once. Since was the one who wanted into our home, and she has his phone number in her phone, I asked why she didn't just call him and ask herself. "Because," she said simply, "he'll take it better if you boss him around than if I do."

Wow.

"Mom," I told her steadily, my voice very low and quiet, "I'm not going to boss him around. I'm going to call him and ask him to come let you in. And he will either say yes or no."

My mother didn't answer, but I'm sure she thought that was ridiculous. To her, and to many women these days, a "husband" is someone who serves as bread-winner, lover, protector, friend, and servant.

Of course, my husband does nice things for me all the time. He gets up to get me a blanket or turn up the heat when I'm cold. He cooks and cleans when it needs done. But he's not my servant, my slave, or my inferior. He's a nice man who does what he can to make our lives more comfortable for both of us. He loves me, and therefore he treats me with the same caution and tender care that I imagine Jesus would if He were still on earth. But, like Jesus, my husband doesn't confuse servant leadership with servanthood. If the day came that I started to expect those things, or failed to be grateful and submissive to him, I'm sure he'd stop.

So why, in a society where we've worked so hard to make women and men equal partners in marriages and parenthood, is it considered normal for the woman to be The Boss? We complain that men act like teenage boys, all sex and games and hanging out with their buddies, all boob-watching and joke-making, but we treat them like the lesser half of an unequal partnership. If we want men to act like men, we have to start treating them like men.

Different Kinds of Submissives

This post will be short and simple! I don't like many of the online "Types of Submissives" Guides, which make it seem like there is a right kind of a submissive and several wrong kinds, or else use deragatory names to refer to submissives. So I'm making my own list!

There are a few different kinds of submissives:

• service


• sexual


• household


• all of the above


• pain

The service submissive is probably the most common in my experience. This submissive spends a lot of time doing acts of service, such as drawing the Dom's bath, massaging him (or her) when he's tense, bringing him food and drink, or otherwise making his life more comfortable.

The sexual submissive may not bring the Dom his coffee every morning, but she is sexually available for him at all times. The training for these kinds of submissives often includes sexual training to enlarge the anus for more easy anal sex, learning to deep throat, and other sexual services. This is largely the kind of submission you'll find in erotica stories such as The Training of O.

The household submissive is less common, but this sub spends his or her time cleaning, taking care of the household chores, cooking, and keeping the home neat and welcoming. The only time I've ever heard of someone being ONLY a household sub was a poly situation where other subs were already meeting the Master's needs for sex, service, and companionship.

All of the above submissives incorporate sexual submission, care of the household, and service. These are most common in monogamous BDSM relationships.

Pain submissives are, simply put, masochists. They often don't enjoy other aspects of submission, but they do enjoy pain. These submissives are often only submissive in the bedroom or during a play session, but revert back to an equal relationship when not getting his or her "pain needs" met.

But....but what if she doesn't like it?

This beautiful painting is an image of Eve despairing in the garden of Eden, after she has eaten the forbidden fruit. As a clear example of how marriages and lives can go wrong without the presence of godly male leadership, Christians have the famous story of the Garden of Eden in Genesis. I chose the painting because it beautifully depicts the despair and hopelessness that can enter our lives when our husbands do not provide the leadership and guidance they are called to.

The story began thousands of years ago, and it continues today. Like Eve, many women are headstrong and opinionated. Like Adam, many men are passive and compliant. Today, in BDSM relationships and out of them, the saga continues: women cry out for strength and leadership, and men ask the age-old question:

"But what if she doesn't like it?"

This is a question I think many, if not all, Doms and Masters struggle with when they enter into a D/s relationship. Let's face it: hitting girls, pushing them, yelling at them, calling them names, and tying them up are pretty big cultural "no-nos" in our society.

My Dom, even after years of BDSM and D/s activity, still struggles with this. He doesn't want to hurt me, he wants to be "fair," or he just doesn't want to accidentally trigger past flashbacks that will freak me out. He tries to be very cautious, which is good, because safety and caution are important aspects of D/s. On the other hand, if you're too safe and cautious, you end up being a "nice guy" and not a "sexy, strong" guy.

What's a guy to do?

I've read a lot on this subject, and it's not an uncommon question.

Let me just put it this way: Is she hinting that she'd like to be dominated more? Is she complaining that you don't hurt her enough? Is she asking to be scared, or hurt, or beaten? If she is, that means she wants it. People can say BDSM is unhealthy all they want, but if it makes two consenting adults happy, I say go for it. We each get to define what "healthy" is for our own relationship. And if you have a sub or slave that is longing for more D/s or violence or BDSM or whatever, and you don't give it to her because you're such a "nice guy," you're going to end up with a very unhappy, bitter slave who is not getting her needs met, and instead of being such a great, wonderful, sweet guy, you're the sissy who wasn't man enough to meet her needs even when she outright asked for it.

Don't believe me that you're not alone?

Check out Domination for Nice Guys by Franklin Veaux. This article answers such common questions as, "But men aren't supposed to do that to women!", "Where do I even start with this stuff?", and "But I don't want to hurt her!" If these questions sound like you, I recommend this article. This was one of the first articles I read when I was new to BDSM, and it's great.

Not surprisingly, other philosophies of male-led domination in marriage such as Taken in Hand and Christian Domestic Discipline have similar articles. Check out, for instance:

Note: Some of these links give a "Forbidden" message, but you simply need to click "Refresh" or hit "Enter" in the URL bar.

• A Noble Calling: The Husband's Role in DD
• What If He Is Horrified by the Idea?
• Reluctant Men
• Micromanagement Works For Me!

One thing I've noticed on both TiH and CDD sites is that most of the articles are written by women, for women. It's women who are running these sites, women who are writing in to beg advice for how to get their husbands to dominate them, and mostly women who initiate D/s in their relationships.

Lucky is the woman whose man has the initiative and drive to find out about D/s, learn what it is, and initiate it in their relationship. But for most couples, it's the woman who does all that work.

In A Noble Calling: A Husband's Role in DD, author Brent says:

Many women want Domestic Discipline and even initiate it by suggesting the notion to their husbands. A wise man, if he’s inclined, will take her up on it, for the joys are myriad. Women, being wise (for God made them that way since wisdom goes hand in hand with motherhood!) often realize the benefits that structure and discipline can have in their own lives and in their relationship.

Truly, while D/s isn't for everyone, some women prefer to have structure and order in their lives. Some women would rather have a confident man's man than a "nice guy." They will be happier, healthier, and feel more secure.

So man up, men!

Review: Babeland's Naturals Organic Lube

If you're a green girl like me, you like products that are natural, not tested on animals, and good for you.

My newest review product is Babeland's Naturals Organic Lube. I love reviewing lube because it is so useful and fun, something you can use every time you have sex no matter if you're alone with your favorite vibe, jacking off your partner, or having regular ole sex.

I really enjoyed this lube. Of course, for me, Mrs. Animal Rights Activist, the not-tested-on-animals bit was a big plus right from the start. I'm always amazed at the sheer number of commonly used products that use animal testing, and I'm sure people wouldn't use them if they knew animal cruelty was involved.

Aside from the definite plus-plus-plus of being animal-cruelty free (PETA would be proud of this lube), I enjoyed it. The organic lube is thicker than some other lubes I've tried, including KY Touch and Entice by Babeland (one of my favorites), but not as thick as jellies or creams. Since I prefer the thinner lubes, this one got high marks from me.

The lube comes in an easy-to-use squirt jar, which is a lot easier to use quickly in the midst of sex than bottles that you have to open and close. It has a slightly sweet, clean scent, and worked like a charm. I used this with my husband and have used it several times with my favorite vibe, with no complaints either time. In fact, I enjoyed this lube because it is mess-free and easy to wipe up once you're done.

But in the end, the greatest thing about this lube was that it is eco-friendly, green, animal-cruelty free, and natural, and still works and feels and smells just like regular lube. In fact, it was listed as #1 on the New York Times' list of Eco-Friendly Sex Aids. That's right, this lube made national news!

This lube works great, it's easy to use, and it's earth-friendly and body-friendly. What's not to like? What's more, if you don't want to pay the $12 for a full bottle, Babeland offers samples for just a dollar.

To buy this lube, click here or just click on the picture at the top of the post. And if you try it, please comment back here to let me know what you think!

Tale of Relaxing Bath and Sex

I've started work this week and been very busy. We haven't had time to spend time together, much less have sex or engage in BDSM.

But last week, we had a nice session. After my Dom read my post, Positive and Negative Energy in BDSM, he seemed to understand that for me to feel safe being hurt and used, I need to be taken care of first; in other words, my "emotional love tank" needs to be filled up before he can take me out for a spin. Otherwise, I'm on empty and it just won't work.

So he took good care of me, and it was lovely to be pampered and loved for a nice change. (Not that he doesn't always love me... I meant the pampering part!)

My Dom brought me a list of possible food dishes and told me to pick my favorite and he'd make it for us for dinner. This was so sweet! He'd already put thought into dinner before asking me. I picked double cheeseburger Hamburger Helper, one of my favorite comfort foods, and he let me rest, relax, and read while he whipped up dinner (if you can't tell, service is not one of my kinks).

After we enjoyed a hearty meal, we spent some time together watching True Blood and catching up on episodes, then he drew me a hot bath. There is something so romantic about drawing a woman a bath, in my opinion. Of course, any woman is capable of turning on her own water, washing her own hair and skin, and pouring in bubble bath herself--- but when someone else loves you enough to do all that for you, it is a wonderful feeling. I certainly can understand why so many Doms and Mistresses love having service as a kink, because being taken care of by someone who loves you is a great feeling. (Actually, I suppose just being taken care of is great, otherwise people would not pay for services like hair cuts, massages, and manicures.... it's the service that makes them so special!).

We didn't have any bubble bath, or else he didn't think of it, but he did draw me a hot bath and sit there with me while I soaked. He washed my hair, one of his favorite activities and something no one else has ever done for me. He even had warm towels in the dryer so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. I've never had freshly-dried towels after a bath before, but they were wonderful! It made me feel like I was being pampered at a very special spa instead of my own bathroom.

People may think it's strange for a Dom to being the pampering, instead of being pampered, and a lot of D/s relationships are based on service for the Dom. I don't get turned on by offering service, but I certainly feel loved when my Dom takes the time to care for me and love me, and this TLC was just what I needed after a very stressful last few weeks. He ever washed my feet for me.

Once my hair was brushed and we were ready for bed, after all that pampering I finally felt emotionally safe enough to let him make love to me. Sex is often a really, really negative and draining experience for me, and lots of research on sexual abuse tells me why, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. Just because I know I am completely normal to have this reaction does not make it any easier on my marriage when I am 95% of the time repulsed by or just uninterested in sex. But for me, sex is so draining and scary that if I don't feel really, really loved and safe, I just can't get myself interested. Taking such wonderful care of me and pampering me made me feel safe and more open to a sexual experience.

We were able to enjoy each other and he gave me several orgasms before entering me and coming himself. He wanted to use the vibrator on me and choke me (lightly!) when I came, and it was super hot to me. When we were done and all cleaned off, we snuggled up and went to bed.

Of course, the next day we had a fight which just ruined my happy, sex-might-not-be-so-bad feeling, but while it lasted, it was lovely. :)

Positive and Negative Energy in BDSM

Many BDSM relationships have a special kind of energy. Other words for it include fizzle, spark, and chemistry. I think this is why people are attracted to the relationship between pleasure and pain. It creates an electrical sizzle that can make sex scarier, more intense, more frightening, more mind-blowing, and better. This energy flows between Doms and subs like from two separate ends of a battery. Together, they unite and ignite with a crackle, but two Doms or two subs will have a harder time getting that connection to flow.

There are two types of energy that flow between Doms and subs, positive and negative energy.

When I say this, I don't mean positive and negative as "good" and "bad" energy, but simply as two different types of energy. Negative energy, while not bad, is the type that drains you. Positive energy is the kind that heals and rejuvenates you.

Of course, positive and negative energy can change depending on the person. Doms, in my experience, can feed off both kinds of energy. They may prefer one or the other, but many can use both. On the other hand, while subs can give both kinds of energy, they often need to make sure there is a balance of both. If scenes are all about negative energy (activities that leave the sub drained and empty), eventually the sub will get too emotionally or physically drained. In the words of Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, her "love tank" will be empty.

Using too much negative energy in a relationship will leave a sub who is too drained to participate in scenes. This is what Doms talk about when they say "taking care of your sub." As a wise online Dom once said, "You can play rough with your toys, but you can't break them if you want to play with them again." :)

What are some examples of positive energy? They are scene activities that leave your sub feeling happy, rejuvinated, whole, and renewed. For me, some examples are:

• feeling little


• having an orgasm


• feeling intimate


• being in subspace (happy, floaty)

On the other hand, some activities leave me feeling more drained than before, like:

• being scared or frightened


• feeling vulnerable


• being physically hurt


• feeling worried, anxious, stressed, or panicked


• doing acts of service

This may vary from sub to sub, but for me these are how I feel. For instance, I know many subs feel that doing acts of service gives back to them, so for them it's positive energy.

Anyway, if you are a Dom, you need to make sure your scenes incorporate both types of energy, or your sub will get too drained. This helps keep her healthy and able to partipate in even more future BDSM scenes.

The Conquered Submissive

Many slaves and submissives in D/s relationships talk about concepts with clever little catch phrases like true submissive, authentic submission, freely given, and obedience.

While these type of forum discussions are certainly in the majority, those catch phrases make me squirm. Not in a good way.

I can admit it. I do not want to submit. I do not want to simper, kneel, bow, or modestly lower my eyes. I do not want to give him anything, I do not consider myself to have a true submissive personality, I do not have a longing to serve and I do not go quietly into that good night of consensual slavery.

Call me intelligent, call me mouthy, call me proud, call me haughty, call me educated, call me a feminist. You'd be right. I just can't give my husband submission. People are equals. I don't give my respect, and especially not my freedom, lightly. I give them to those powerhouse people in my life who earn it, people who awe me, people who defeat me.

I love, love reading the many submissive blogs out there by writers such as MD's Precious Treasure, Jake's Kajira, Peacefully Submissive (she's in labor right now, by the way!), Luna's Submissive Guide, and Persephone in Love. I learn so much, and I enjoy hearing about how a submissive woman can find true meaning, peace, and happiness with her mate.

But those women aren't me.

I don't want to be told not to sit on the toilet seat or denied an orgasm. I want to be conquered. I want to be dominated. I want to be subdued.

Because I'm a linguist, I have to point this out: did you notice that all those words I just used to describe what I want are derived from the verb form of the word? It's all about the action. To describe me as "submissive" rings false to me because I, while I greatly respect the women who do, do not get my main sense of identity from being dormant or servile. I don't want the identity of a submissive; I want to be with a man who holds the title of Dominant. He can be a dominant, a master, a warrior, a king. I want to get my identity, not from the quality of my actions, but from him. Who is he. That is where I want to derive my identity, and with it all the adjectives I use to describe myself.

Is this possible? I don't know. But at least I'm not alone.

It took me a long time to dredge these up out of the vast internet abyss (I know there's a lack of information by other people on this kind of D/s relationship because one of the first Google search results was mine), but eventually I managed to pull out a few "conquered" women posts and blogs after wading through the much vaster and more popular expanse of the blogs of willing slaves and submissives. Jake'skajira (her real name is Emma)'s blog was immensely helpful to me during my search; other than me, she is one of the few submissive women I know who struggles with the idea of being "submissive" and feels another label fits her better (I use "conquered," she uses "prey").

Here's what Emma had to say in How We Met:

He kissed me and put me in my car, I went home and furiously masturbated to the idea of him coming and forcing himself on me.

We weren't "bdsm" or Master and slave, but the reason I proposed to him, was because I asked him, "I think a wife is property of her husband, do you have an issue with that?"

He knew he wanted a D/s style relationship with someone who was adaptable and mold-able... who didn't mind his being a control freak. I was looking for an "old fashioned relationship with a man who wouldn't let me walk all over him and could put up with my crazy shit."

And here are some quotes that really resonated with me from her post Submissive:

I am not service oriented, I don't "obey" or do things the way most people who identify as submissive do (title wise). I submit in the true sense of the word, when I am pushed, and forced, I submit. I lower my eyes, even as I cuss him out. My body language gives me away even when my mind is rebelling, its so instinctual in my wiring, that I can't help it.

It's the deer-in-head light look when he catches me off guard, its the way I say no and fight him, but if he pushes hard enough, I give in.

I am not wired like that. I am not "submissive" in the sense of how most people use it here on fetlife.

It's easy to call yourself submissive when you willingly are doing it, when you acknowledge that you want to do those things... think in my head, its easier for me to think of being victimized or prey, then feel weak as a person to submit to things I hate.

It's easy to say yes. It's easy to call yourself submissive when its a choice.

It's a whole nother ball game when it's not a choice.

Amen, sister! I really liked the part about how she feels different from most submissives on Fetlife, but that doesn't make her any less of a submissive in a D/s relationship, which she has. And it's so true that it's easy to be a sub when it's what you want, what you crave and desire, and when you have needs to be of service that get met. It's a lot harder when you don't have a need to submit, but you do have a need to fight and be defeated by a strong, fearless man who will love and protect and yes, even defeat you.

This sub on an online forum also echoed these same ideas of wanting to be conquered:

In my public life i am a brassy, confident woman. However, in my mind I have always wanted to be taken, owned and conquered.

The advice given to her in the forum? Take baby steps. Sigh.

Although it isn't technically a BDSM site, I went to Taken in Hand hoping they, at least, would have some pro-women-not-being-doormats articles, and as usual, I was not disappointed. I can always count on TiH to have a good mix of willingly submissive and completely conquered women.

One article, The Subjection of Women (do they mean the "subjugation" of women????) had these words of wisdom, music to my bratty ears:

Some women want and need to be brought into subjection. They crave the man's control and respond positively to active control, but without active control on his part submission is impossible. These women cannot fake submission; it must be real. It cannot be a pretence, a role-playing game or a lifeless cardboard cut-out imitation. It must be from the heart and soul, no hint of artificiality, acting or mendacity. But when a man brings such a woman into subjection and thereby releases her delitescent submissiveness, the power and reality and unforced naturalness of her submission can be awe-inspiring.

I also love DeeMarie's thoughtful article, The Importance of Conquest:

When I describe myself as “submissive” I mean something rather specific: I mean that I really enjoy being conquered by a strong, masculine, dominant man, and being forced to surrender to him. But I don't just submit to a man if he is not able and willing to actually conquer me. I don't even quite know what that would mean. I find it hard to relate at all to the idea of submission without conquest. If the man is just going to sit there like a lump of jello and not actively dominate me, then why in the world would I submit to him? I might as well ‘submit’ to the sofa.

A wonderful, wonderful article on conquering women that should be read by all Dominant men and women and all subs can be found on the Taken in Hand website. I'm not sure if the author is a man or a woman (I hope a man, because I want to marry him?), but if you're struggling with the idea of conquering as opposed to submitting, this article offers a candid look at consensual non-consent and answers such important questions and issues as these:


* Bring a woman into subjection? No! I must have consent, or I will not control. I abhor violence! I am a firm believer in fully equal rights for women.
* What I want is a submissive woman who will willingly surrender, not a shrew who needs to be tamed.

* Forced submission? If submission is not freely given, I don't want it!

* If she wants her man to lead, why doesn't she just follow him?”
* Why would a man have any interest in fighting a woman for control?”
* Why bother?
* Sounds like a lot of work to me. Why would any man want a woman who is so difficult?”

To read more of this insightful, awesome article, click here.

And good luck in your conquering.

P.S. The Subjection of Women links for some reason aren't working; simply refresh the page or re-click the http once you get the 403 error and it will go straight there!

Vulnerability and Training a Slave

One of the benefits of BDSM relationships is its openness to complete vulnerability.

In BDSM scenes, both the top and the bottom can let go and be completely, nakedly open. Their most evil thoughts and desires? Open. Their most needy, pathetic thoughts? Bared. It's an incredibly vulnerable experience, one that often frightens me to no end.

Vulnerability can be a positive thing when received by a loving, self-controlled Master who will not abuse or take advantage of the sub. Read this affirmation of his subs by Jack Rinella:

Frankly I will correct every negative statement uttered by a submissive. I will remind them that they are good people, beautiful and capable. I will do my best to back my words with actions that support, encourage, and affirm their very high worth as humans.

The vulnerability found in BDSM can be a beautiful, albeit frightening, experience. Masters can make or break their slaves. I think it is perhaps this utter control that frightens vanilla writers who are so against BDSM. They want (rightly) to protect the weak from being annihilated by a power-hungry Master. And it is true that BDSM involves a scary level of power exchange. Lives and emotional wellbeing can be in danger. Do some Masters use this power for destruction and pain? Sure. That's why subs and aspiring slaves must be very careful to find a Master like the one described above, one who uses his complete power to build up and heal, not annihilate or destroy. To be a good Master is a large responsibility. If the idea of accidentally breaking your sub doesn't frighten you, it should.

Power is like fire, according to Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, authors of The New Bottoming Book. Fire can destroy if uncontrolled. Fire can provide heat and light if used carefully. Like everything, BDSM can be abused. It can also be wielded carefully and with forethought, and can illuminate the life of the holders.

When you give control to someone, if that person has a clue what he or she is doing, things can progress very fast. In an article about vulnerability, Master Stuart's pet says:

My transition from novice sub to trained sub to enslaved collared pet was a speedy one.

But sometimes my Dom is not sure how to make me progress from "novice sub" to "trained sub" and especially not to "enslaved sub." Some people progress very quickly, others not at all. I hope I don't turn out to be one of those not-at-all people.

Vulnerability for me, right now, can be a huge turn-off. But I still enjoy the physical vulnerability of BDSM. So maybe I can't always open myself, mind and emotions, but I can enjoy the simulation of that sacred act by being physically overpowered, physically vulnerable.

Sometimes my Dom acts out of anger or what a vanilla asshole would do, which can be easily confused with what a BDSM Master would do, but are rarely the same despite their seeming similarities. But B.E.S.T. slave training says

The Master should not apply consequences out of anger. The consequences should be well thought out and appropriate to "fit the crime." The purpose is to modify the slave’s behavior so that it pleases her Master.

The point here is for the Master to be slowly, with an end goal in sight, working toward that goal. He wants to change the sub to be more pleasing to him, so no sub will be trained exactly the same way by a different Master. In a relationship with one Master, my training could be completely different from another. I've heard of Masters who make slaves walk without swinging their left arms, slaves who can't use the furniture, and slaves who have to stop using pads and tampons during their periods. It's completely up to what that Master wants.

Of course, when you start a training program, you should expect resistance. Subs and slaves are humans, and no matter how much they want to be a submissive, you are both fighting a lifetime of social norms and millenia of cultural information. Women and men are raised to act a certain way, and this can be seen throughout history. A free, consensual slave is unheard of in the annals of history, and so the two of you must slowly and painstakingly erase hundreds of pages from your mental history textbooks and refill the pages with your own story, without any help from anyone else. How do you want your slave to look? to act? to think? to be? It's a hard question to answer, and one that could take hours and weeks of thought.

For more info for Doms and Masters, check out these articles:

• The Difference Between Dominant and Domineering


• Dom Training: Managing a Slave

Totally Normal Spanking Fantasies

Do you get turned on by the following?

• husbands spanking their wives after typical relationship fights?
• having a naughty wife you have to spank to keep her reigned in?
• orgasm during spankings?
• orgasm from being told a spanking or punishment story?
• bad adults being lectured and humiliated as part of their punishment?
• begging for spankings to stop?
• spankings that end in tears?
• having a bare bottom beaten mercilessly with a hairbrush or paddle?
• spanking your naughty sub like the little girl she is?

Then you'll love this article by Sera Miles, where she talks about her experience as an adult phone sex partner and all the "weird" desires that are actually totally common and normal. And although I normally write about male dominance/female submission because that is my persona experience, Ms. Miles writes about female dominance/male submission, and as such is a breath of fresh air in a community that normally focuses on female submission.

Of course, I think that going to an adult phone line for your sexual and masturbation needs is a sin, but that doesn't mean I have anything against those people personally. The Bible gives guidelines for Christians to live by, and we can't force non-believers to make the same sacrifices we do. Of course, I believe God's moral commands are the same for everyone, but being a non-believer who abstains from sin doesn't make you a believer. You have to change the soul first, then worry about the actions. So this blog isn't about the sinfulness of adult phone companies (who say they are for "distinguished gentlemen"--ha! As if! You're paying to jack off with a stranger. I mean, really!), but about what is normal in spanking fetishes. And I believe Sera Miles definitely has enough experience to know what is normal and not with her clients.

Honestly, it makes me relieved to know that many people pretend to be younger during spanking scenes. Sometimes, when my Dom spanks me, I feel like a very angry and defiant adult. But every once in a while, I feel small and tiny and want to curl up around him when he is done and be cuddled like a very small girl. I certainly felt a sigh of relief when Ms. Miles said that many of her clients feel the same way.

You know who has some other really hot spanking stories? The Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) websites. This one in particular, a true spanking story by a CDD wife called In This Moment, I Am His! has always been such a sexy story for me. Yummm.

Excuse me for a moment while I'm lost in thought...

Young Submissive Female Looking for Generous Slaves. Will Travel.

Dang. I need to get a slave.

I've been perusing the blogs of Sera Miles and Mistress Twilight. That lucky Mistress Twilight has slaves that keep sending her gifts! It makes me so jealous I could scream. Look at this new pair of shoes sent to her by Slave Cindy, or these heels sent by Submissive Steve. Or look at this luscious cane set sent to her by Slave Jim! I'm so jealous! I want a slave to send me gifts!!!!!

I'd stamp my feet now if I weren't sitting down with a computer on my lap.

Clearly, it is time for me to make a "Sexpert's Wish List" on my blogger profile. Maybe my husband will take the hint. Sigh.

Curse you, Mistress Twilight! You've made me long for kinky fetish toys.

Fetish Events in NM and MO

Thanks to BDSM blogger David for showing me this hilarious website, where I have now spent several happy minutes giggling. The cartoon above is my favorite I've found so far. Doesn't it just perfectly sum up love and marriage?

I'm a bit frustrated today. The closer we get to summer ending and work starting, the more I'm dreading it. I love summers. I love sleeping in, spending all day blogging, reading, and piddling, and then spending time with my Dom when he gets home. I hate working, schedules, and waiting numbly for my next vacation. Sigh. It makes me very sad.

We're looking at cheap vacations to Jamaica or the Bahamas. I'm so frustrated by this, since 1.) the cheap vacation package deals are CONSTANTLY CHANGING and 2.) my Dom can never get off work and 3.) when he can get off work, I'm working, so I have to decide if it's worth pissing off my new employers and losing a paycheck for an entire week. Bummer. Who knew looking at Caribbean vacations could be so depressing?

There is a national kink event from September 17-18 called Evolution of the Revolution (EvoRevo) by Sera Miles. I'm dying to go, and am really sad because I already have commitments that entire weekend. Even worse, there's no way I could justify the plane tickets out there plus two hotel nights, and I doubt my Dom would let me go all by myself, and he has to work. Sigh. I feel that as a blogger I really need to get out there and attend and teach at regional and national fetish events like this, but before I can do that I need a generous sponsor to donate lots of money so I can afford to travel out there. Dang!

Sigh. Maybe when I win the lottery. New car, savings, maid, landscape artist, trip around the world, and then fetish events around the USA. (Yes, I have a list of things I want once I win the lottery.)

For those of you in the Midwest, there's also a K.U.F.F. fetish and play party in St. Louis this month. Again, I can't go.... stupid prior commitments. My Dom's sister is getting married that day, so there's no way we can back out. And I really want to go to my first fetish event!!!!!! (::stamps foot::)

The kitties are playing and I'm too depressed to look at Caribbean vacations any more. I guess I'll go make some low-carb chicken salad lettuce wraps with raspberry fool. Yum. :)

Media Watch Blog Attacks S&M

Media Watch Blog, a group dedicated to identifying and exposing hidden biases of discrimination, hate, or violence in the media and on the web, is now attacking BDSM lifestyles.

Honestly, I can understand where they get it. To the observer, BDSM can be scary--it's violent and often based on vast power imbalances that remind people of ancient days of slavery and women staying at home. But what is always clear about BDSM, in every site or book you read about it, is that BDSM is consensual and that both partners want it. Is Media Watch saying that adults who voluntarily relinquish power should not have the power to do so?

The article lists 10 "lies" about sadomasochism. I'm addressing some of them here.

Lie #1: Pain is Pleasure. The author claims that those who think "pain is pleasure" are enslaved by our culture's insistence that women demonstrate a love for others that is selfless and sometimes harmful to the woman. Well, obviously this author has never had an orgasm from being spanked or having her nipples pinched.

Lie #2: Sadomasochism is love and trust. This isn't a lie; healthy BDSM honestly takes a much higher level of trust for someone than a normal, equal-control marriage. The article points out (accurately) that there are many parallels between BDSM and cults, rape, and sexual assault. This is true, but BDSM is safe, consenual, and used with safewords. Power exchanges in BDSM are used for the enjoyment and betterment of both partners; this is never the case in rape.

Sadomasochism has to do with annihilation. Contrary to the popular legend that sadomasochism expands one’s sexuality, I believe that it restricts and ultimately destroys one’s sexual being. Subordination, humiliation , and torture are all means of deliberately destroying the self.

I have two problems with this statement. First, my experience with S&M is not one of annihilation. My husband does not seek to "destroy" my sense of self, but to encourage me to bare and accept the darker, scarier aspects of my sexuality. If I hadn't been abused when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't be drawn to BDSM, but I am, and this allows me to enjoy sex in a way that makes sense to me.

Lie #3: Sadomasochism is not racist and anti Semitic even though we “act” like slave owners and enslaved Africans, Nazis and persecuted Jews.
Okay, this one is weird to me. I've heard of BDSMers acting like parents, bosses, masters, lovers, and rapists, but I've never heard of any M/s relationships that compared themselves to enslaved Africans or Nazis and Jews. Africans were enslaved involuntarily; they did not put out personal ads on kinky websites asking to find a Master to match their true submissive natures. The Nazis were a group that hated the Jews and so tried to kill them; Masters love their slaves and so try to lead them.

Lie #4: Sadomasochism is consensual; no one gets hurt if they don’t want to get hurt. No one has died from sadomasochistic “scenes.”

Is it ever OK to consent to one’s own humiliation and victimization? I do not
think so.

Wait. A feminist who thinks females should NOT be allowed to choose their own preferences and sexual expression? How original. (::rolls eyes::) And yes, of course people have died from these scenes; I've never heard anyone claim otherwise. BDSM is dangerous; that's why we bloggers and teachers scream "Safewords!" and "Safety First!" Deaths and injury have occured. I've written about these topics myself.


Lie #9: Reenacting abuse heals abuse. Sadomasochism heals emotional wounds from childhood sexual assault.

A greater percentage of women “into sadomasochism” have histories of childhood sexual assault, than those women who do not participate in sadomasochism. However, sadomasochism obscures the real pain and abuse of women...Sadomasochism is a repetition, not a healing, of childhood sexual assault. Some have suggested that sadomasochism can actually be physiologically addictive.

Yes, I've heard that women with histories of assault are more likely to end up in the BDSM community. I've actually conducted a survey on BDSM and abuse with similar findings. However, there are many men and women in the community with no history of abuse. Whether a woman is healing or simply repeating her learned helplessness, if she is with a loving, permanent partner who allows her to enjoy sexuality the way she wants to, can this be wrong? Sure, I find it likely that my past experiences with nonconsenual power exchange, emotional abuse, and sexually manipulative men shaped me into a woman who enjoys being sexually submissive. So? My husband knows this and is careful with me. He is willing to do what feels "right" to me, no matter what society thinks. When I safeword, there has never been an instance where he did not stop immediately. In fact, even with past boyfriends, if I safeworded or indicated I was ready to stop, there has never been a time a man did not immediately respect my wish.


In all honesty, I think it's good that there are people out there writing thoughtful, well-documented articles against BDSM. With all the good and not-so-good BDSM resources out there, it's easy for newbies or wanna-bes to fall into BDSM and fancy themselves the World's Next Great Master or the Twoo Submissive Searching for Love. It's important for us to realize that yes, there are people who abuse BDSM and use it for violence, abuse, slavery, racism, and other bad things. I'm honestly glad someone pointed it out. But to pretend like that's all BDSM is? That's an obvious lie.

Wait, maybe we could add that to Media Watch's list!

Lie #11: Sadomasochism is harmful for its adherents.

Punishment without Pain

When it comes to punishment, my Dom always seems to fall back on the obvious: causing pain!

Spanking, slapping, spanking, paddling, spanking, whipping, spanking...

I don't like pain. It annoys me. Once I burst out into hysterical and completely unstoppable laughter from his swats.

Aside from the many, many psychology and educational psych reports that spanking and other physical punishment are bad for children, teach them to fear and not to respect, teach them that power can be gained through violence rather than earned, teach them to solve disputes through violence, teach violence over rational, fair problem-solving skills, and moreover do not deter bad behavior, a lot of BDSM sites are really into spanking.

If it's because that turns them on, rather than they think it's actually a good way to teach people lessons, more power to them. A lot of people are incredibly turned on by being spanked or spanking. Recently, a couple I know who have kinky leanings (rough sex, biting, etc.) but would never call themselves into "BDSM", relayed this conversation to me:

"I asked him if he wanted to spank me with his belt. He spanked me, and at the
end, he thought about it and said, 'That turned me on a lot more than I thought
it would.'"

There is absolutely nothing wrong with spanking if it turns people on. Spanking and punishment (real and simulated) can be very sexy, trust me! But what about when a Dom or Master or Mistress or Daddy wants to actually teach a lesson, perhaps a long-term lesson that will takes weeks or months, and cannot just be solved by one spanking?

Here are some ideas for punishing without using violence:

• lectures (make them meaninful, learning experiences, not just scoldings)


• withdrawl of priveleges (may seem too infantile to some subs)


• cage or corner time (also a bit infantile... some people are into that)


• carefully explaining the desired behavior, why it is desired, and why it is best for the sub and the couple


• modeling better behavior yourself


• not being allowed to initiate any physical contact for a set amount of time


• saying simply that you are disappointed and offering a better solution for next time


• bondage for a set amount of time


• writing a letter explaining what was done wrong and how this will be corrected in the future


• cold showers


• no dessert


• cleaning chored, with a only a toothbrush if you're feeling really evil >:-)


• deciding upon a punishment together, with the input of the sub


• back up and re-do the situation immediately, this time with the correct ending


• lose furniture priveleges


• lose collar


• write sentences

A lot of Doms and Dommes will say to ignore the slave, but I have to warn you that giving "the silent treatment" is a form of emotional abuse and is not a healthy thing to start doing in your relationship. Also, if you have a sub or pet who was abused in the past, even slight emotional abuse may set them off.

Other suggestions I read included sensory deprivation, but this should only be used for a SHORT time since people can hallucinate and experience dementia after very short bouts of sensory deprivation.

Honestly, it's more important to have a healthy, stable slave than to punish him or her. I wouldn't ever recommend using sensory deprivation or the silent treatment and risk your slave's emotional health.

Also, talk this over with your sub. Some subs (like me) hate to be treated like children. I am a submissive, not a child! So I don't want to be punished like a kid, with spankings, writing lines, or being "grounded." My Dom is not my mother and I prefer to be treated like an adult. Therefore, I'd always prefer punishments that we agree on together--either beforehand or after the fact--or that focus primarily on adult, problem-solving discussions where he tells me what he didn't like, why he didn't like it, and how he would like the problem to be fixed in the future.

On the other hand, I know there are many subs and slaves who adore being treated younger and giving up that power! For those people, spankings, writing lines, or corner time may be a great idea and may turn both partners on. In the end, it's whatever works for the two of you.