12/27/2010

Needing to Be Choked to Submit


I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I did. I had a great time visiting with my family and both the Christmas services I went to were very inspirational (I went to one with my family and another one with my husband once he arrived in town).


Now we are back home for a few days before we travel again for the New Year holidays. I'm pretending I don't see the huge pile of boxes waiting to be unpacked. What boxes? Where?


Last night, my Dom and I were together alone for the first time in over a week. Say what I will about sexual liberation and all that, I just can't bring myself to have sex in my parents' house. My mother has an unfortunate habit of walking into my high school bedroom without knocking whenever she wants, and I think if we disappeared for 45 minutes they'd all know what we were doing anyway. No, thank you. So we had a nice time last night, got one precious hour of alone time before we had to put our clothes back on and say goodbye to the kitties again in order to head out to his parents' house and do Christmas celebration there. (Note: my husband forgot to tell me, when I left our house wearing a dress, tights, and boots, that his family wears sweats and jeans to their Christmas.... so I was a bit overdressed. Oops.)


When we finally got back, I was all ready to go again, but we were both tired and that makes us grouchy. My husband is a lot less dominating when he is tired or has been drinking; he sort of turns into just a regular man. While this is okay for our real life, it makes it impossible for me to get turned on in our sex life.


All I wanted him to do was choke me or yank my hair so I couldn't move. I eventually told him what I wanted, and he did it, but of course it isn't the same when your Dom is grabbing your neck to screw you because you want him to, and not because he wants to. It's somehow much less sexy.


So I have to wonder: why do I need restraint to have sex? I have several theories, which I will share here:



  • Maybe I'm not "naturally submissive" enough to just lie there and take it. I want to be wrestled down and have it taken from me. Otherwise, I feel a bit bored by the whole thing. And it is im-poss-ible for me to stay interested in a sexual act that I feel bored and disengaged by. It's like he's just using my body, and my mind and heart are not engaged at all.

  • I tend to disengage from sex, whether as a result from past abuse or due to my own emotional issues. Having a hand on my throat, or my wrists tied tightly and yanked above my head, or a harsh pull on my hair, helps me stay engaged with what is happening. If I don't have that "anchor" to sex, I float away from it and feel completely disengaged from my body. Not only is that not fair to my husband, but it's a scary feeling for me, and one that I hate, so of course I'd prefer to be roughed up a bit so I can stay "in the moment."

  • Sex is often depicted as not as good for the woman as for the man. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I'd say it's true in my marriage that my Dom enjoys sex more often than I do. So if I'm not getting pleasure out of it, I might as well be getting pain or mental excitement out of it.... otherwise, why bother? Just give me a good book and a plate of warm cookies and forget the whole "sex" thing.

  • I can't get turned on if I don't feel like my husband is being dominant. I'm not interested in vanilla sex... after my first taste of BDSM-style sex, I was hooked forever. This frustrates my husband, who is sometimes too tired to want to put the effort in for full-on domination, but mostly it suits our styles.

I'm not sure which is the reason, but my guess is it's a little bit of all of the above.


My two cats are sprawled out beside me, one on each end of the couch asleep like little bookends, both collapsed there with the complete abandon that only truly happy cats can attain. Maybe I should leave more often, if coming home again makes them both so happy and friendly.


I hope you all had a great Christmas! More ruminations to follow.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you dissociate during sexual activities if you're not grounded by tactile sensations like the hair grabbing, wrist seizing, etc. Dissociation is common with abusive histories, and you can learn to find ways to ground yourself so you stay in the moment and in the act.

clarissethorn said...

I'm curious about where this idea of "natural submissiveness" comes from, for you. It appears often in your posts and it always kind of throws me off ... usually when I encounter the idea of "natural submission", it's being used to shame submissives or otherwise pressure them into behavior that's not quite right for them, so I am very suspicious of the idea. Where have you heard about it and what kind of role does the idea play in your life?

clarissethorn said...

@Anonymous, I'm not sure if you're implying that a history of abuse is more common for BDSMers, but that is a common stereotype that happens to be incorrect. Statistically, BDSMers do not have more history of abuse than the general population. For more:
http://www.news.com.au/bondage-lovers-normal-maybe-even-happier/story-e6frfkp9-1111117296864

lunagirl said...

I think you're onto something with the disassociation. I don't have an abuse history, and I don't disassociate, but I have ADHD and my mind tends to wander during sex. There are studies showing that many people (especially women) with ADHD have trouble orgasming because of this - it takes focus to climax. So things like a tug on my hair or a light slap at the right moment, or being made to repeat my partner's dirty talk, keep me or bring me back into the moment.

Anonymous said...

I do have a few instances of abuse in my history, and I'd like to say I have the same problem sometimes. A few years ago if I lost focus and stopped enjoying it I would still have flashbacks. I'm lucky to have such a loving and understanding husband/Dom. It can't be easy when your sub can go from great to serious freak-out in moments. I know it made him feel like it was his fault even before this lifestyle during vanilla sex. It did help, though, being honest with him, not just about the things that triggered traumatic memories, but also what made me lose focus in the first place. Once he knew what helped me stay focussed, and what caused me to lose focus, it helped. By no means am I perfect or close to even normal now, but it feels nice to get better. There's a lot to be said for writing down your feelings and then talking them out with him. I'm sure your blog helps a lot. :)