The Conquered Submissive

Many slaves and submissives in D/s relationships talk about concepts with clever little catch phrases like true submissive, authentic submission, freely given, and obedience.

While these type of forum discussions are certainly in the majority, those catch phrases make me squirm. Not in a good way.

I can admit it. I do not want to submit. I do not want to simper, kneel, bow, or modestly lower my eyes. I do not want to give him anything, I do not consider myself to have a true submissive personality, I do not have a longing to serve and I do not go quietly into that good night of consensual slavery.

Call me intelligent, call me mouthy, call me proud, call me haughty, call me educated, call me a feminist. You'd be right. I just can't give my husband submission. People are equals. I don't give my respect, and especially not my freedom, lightly. I give them to those powerhouse people in my life who earn it, people who awe me, people who defeat me.

I love, love reading the many submissive blogs out there by writers such as MD's Precious Treasure, Jake's Kajira, Peacefully Submissive (she's in labor right now, by the way!), Luna's Submissive Guide, and Persephone in Love. I learn so much, and I enjoy hearing about how a submissive woman can find true meaning, peace, and happiness with her mate.

But those women aren't me.

I don't want to be told not to sit on the toilet seat or denied an orgasm. I want to be conquered. I want to be dominated. I want to be subdued.

Because I'm a linguist, I have to point this out: did you notice that all those words I just used to describe what I want are derived from the verb form of the word? It's all about the action. To describe me as "submissive" rings false to me because I, while I greatly respect the women who do, do not get my main sense of identity from being dormant or servile. I don't want the identity of a submissive; I want to be with a man who holds the title of Dominant. He can be a dominant, a master, a warrior, a king. I want to get my identity, not from the quality of my actions, but from him. Who is he. That is where I want to derive my identity, and with it all the adjectives I use to describe myself.

Is this possible? I don't know. But at least I'm not alone.

It took me a long time to dredge these up out of the vast internet abyss (I know there's a lack of information by other people on this kind of D/s relationship because one of the first Google search results was mine), but eventually I managed to pull out a few "conquered" women posts and blogs after wading through the much vaster and more popular expanse of the blogs of willing slaves and submissives. Jake'skajira (her real name is Emma)'s blog was immensely helpful to me during my search; other than me, she is one of the few submissive women I know who struggles with the idea of being "submissive" and feels another label fits her better (I use "conquered," she uses "prey").

Here's what Emma had to say in How We Met:

He kissed me and put me in my car, I went home and furiously masturbated to the idea of him coming and forcing himself on me.

We weren't "bdsm" or Master and slave, but the reason I proposed to him, was because I asked him, "I think a wife is property of her husband, do you have an issue with that?"

He knew he wanted a D/s style relationship with someone who was adaptable and mold-able... who didn't mind his being a control freak. I was looking for an "old fashioned relationship with a man who wouldn't let me walk all over him and could put up with my crazy shit."

And here are some quotes that really resonated with me from her post Submissive:

I am not service oriented, I don't "obey" or do things the way most people who identify as submissive do (title wise). I submit in the true sense of the word, when I am pushed, and forced, I submit. I lower my eyes, even as I cuss him out. My body language gives me away even when my mind is rebelling, its so instinctual in my wiring, that I can't help it.

It's the deer-in-head light look when he catches me off guard, its the way I say no and fight him, but if he pushes hard enough, I give in.

I am not wired like that. I am not "submissive" in the sense of how most people use it here on fetlife.

It's easy to call yourself submissive when you willingly are doing it, when you acknowledge that you want to do those things... think in my head, its easier for me to think of being victimized or prey, then feel weak as a person to submit to things I hate.

It's easy to say yes. It's easy to call yourself submissive when its a choice.

It's a whole nother ball game when it's not a choice.

Amen, sister! I really liked the part about how she feels different from most submissives on Fetlife, but that doesn't make her any less of a submissive in a D/s relationship, which she has. And it's so true that it's easy to be a sub when it's what you want, what you crave and desire, and when you have needs to be of service that get met. It's a lot harder when you don't have a need to submit, but you do have a need to fight and be defeated by a strong, fearless man who will love and protect and yes, even defeat you.

This sub on an online forum also echoed these same ideas of wanting to be conquered:

In my public life i am a brassy, confident woman. However, in my mind I have always wanted to be taken, owned and conquered.

The advice given to her in the forum? Take baby steps. Sigh.

Although it isn't technically a BDSM site, I went to Taken in Hand hoping they, at least, would have some pro-women-not-being-doormats articles, and as usual, I was not disappointed. I can always count on TiH to have a good mix of willingly submissive and completely conquered women.

One article, The Subjection of Women (do they mean the "subjugation" of women????) had these words of wisdom, music to my bratty ears:

Some women want and need to be brought into subjection. They crave the man's control and respond positively to active control, but without active control on his part submission is impossible. These women cannot fake submission; it must be real. It cannot be a pretence, a role-playing game or a lifeless cardboard cut-out imitation. It must be from the heart and soul, no hint of artificiality, acting or mendacity. But when a man brings such a woman into subjection and thereby releases her delitescent submissiveness, the power and reality and unforced naturalness of her submission can be awe-inspiring.

I also love DeeMarie's thoughtful article, The Importance of Conquest:

When I describe myself as “submissive” I mean something rather specific: I mean that I really enjoy being conquered by a strong, masculine, dominant man, and being forced to surrender to him. But I don't just submit to a man if he is not able and willing to actually conquer me. I don't even quite know what that would mean. I find it hard to relate at all to the idea of submission without conquest. If the man is just going to sit there like a lump of jello and not actively dominate me, then why in the world would I submit to him? I might as well ‘submit’ to the sofa.

A wonderful, wonderful article on conquering women that should be read by all Dominant men and women and all subs can be found on the Taken in Hand website. I'm not sure if the author is a man or a woman (I hope a man, because I want to marry him?), but if you're struggling with the idea of conquering as opposed to submitting, this article offers a candid look at consensual non-consent and answers such important questions and issues as these:


* Bring a woman into subjection? No! I must have consent, or I will not control. I abhor violence! I am a firm believer in fully equal rights for women.
* What I want is a submissive woman who will willingly surrender, not a shrew who needs to be tamed.

* Forced submission? If submission is not freely given, I don't want it!

* If she wants her man to lead, why doesn't she just follow him?”
* Why would a man have any interest in fighting a woman for control?”
* Why bother?
* Sounds like a lot of work to me. Why would any man want a woman who is so difficult?”

To read more of this insightful, awesome article, click here.

And good luck in your conquering.

P.S. The Subjection of Women links for some reason aren't working; simply refresh the page or re-click the http once you get the 403 error and it will go straight there!