Media Watch Blog Attacks S&M

Media Watch Blog, a group dedicated to identifying and exposing hidden biases of discrimination, hate, or violence in the media and on the web, is now attacking BDSM lifestyles.

Honestly, I can understand where they get it. To the observer, BDSM can be scary--it's violent and often based on vast power imbalances that remind people of ancient days of slavery and women staying at home. But what is always clear about BDSM, in every site or book you read about it, is that BDSM is consensual and that both partners want it. Is Media Watch saying that adults who voluntarily relinquish power should not have the power to do so?

The article lists 10 "lies" about sadomasochism. I'm addressing some of them here.

Lie #1: Pain is Pleasure. The author claims that those who think "pain is pleasure" are enslaved by our culture's insistence that women demonstrate a love for others that is selfless and sometimes harmful to the woman. Well, obviously this author has never had an orgasm from being spanked or having her nipples pinched.

Lie #2: Sadomasochism is love and trust. This isn't a lie; healthy BDSM honestly takes a much higher level of trust for someone than a normal, equal-control marriage. The article points out (accurately) that there are many parallels between BDSM and cults, rape, and sexual assault. This is true, but BDSM is safe, consenual, and used with safewords. Power exchanges in BDSM are used for the enjoyment and betterment of both partners; this is never the case in rape.

Sadomasochism has to do with annihilation. Contrary to the popular legend that sadomasochism expands one’s sexuality, I believe that it restricts and ultimately destroys one’s sexual being. Subordination, humiliation , and torture are all means of deliberately destroying the self.

I have two problems with this statement. First, my experience with S&M is not one of annihilation. My husband does not seek to "destroy" my sense of self, but to encourage me to bare and accept the darker, scarier aspects of my sexuality. If I hadn't been abused when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't be drawn to BDSM, but I am, and this allows me to enjoy sex in a way that makes sense to me.

Lie #3: Sadomasochism is not racist and anti Semitic even though we “act” like slave owners and enslaved Africans, Nazis and persecuted Jews.
Okay, this one is weird to me. I've heard of BDSMers acting like parents, bosses, masters, lovers, and rapists, but I've never heard of any M/s relationships that compared themselves to enslaved Africans or Nazis and Jews. Africans were enslaved involuntarily; they did not put out personal ads on kinky websites asking to find a Master to match their true submissive natures. The Nazis were a group that hated the Jews and so tried to kill them; Masters love their slaves and so try to lead them.

Lie #4: Sadomasochism is consensual; no one gets hurt if they don’t want to get hurt. No one has died from sadomasochistic “scenes.”

Is it ever OK to consent to one’s own humiliation and victimization? I do not
think so.

Wait. A feminist who thinks females should NOT be allowed to choose their own preferences and sexual expression? How original. (::rolls eyes::) And yes, of course people have died from these scenes; I've never heard anyone claim otherwise. BDSM is dangerous; that's why we bloggers and teachers scream "Safewords!" and "Safety First!" Deaths and injury have occured. I've written about these topics myself.


Lie #9: Reenacting abuse heals abuse. Sadomasochism heals emotional wounds from childhood sexual assault.

A greater percentage of women “into sadomasochism” have histories of childhood sexual assault, than those women who do not participate in sadomasochism. However, sadomasochism obscures the real pain and abuse of women...Sadomasochism is a repetition, not a healing, of childhood sexual assault. Some have suggested that sadomasochism can actually be physiologically addictive.

Yes, I've heard that women with histories of assault are more likely to end up in the BDSM community. I've actually conducted a survey on BDSM and abuse with similar findings. However, there are many men and women in the community with no history of abuse. Whether a woman is healing or simply repeating her learned helplessness, if she is with a loving, permanent partner who allows her to enjoy sexuality the way she wants to, can this be wrong? Sure, I find it likely that my past experiences with nonconsenual power exchange, emotional abuse, and sexually manipulative men shaped me into a woman who enjoys being sexually submissive. So? My husband knows this and is careful with me. He is willing to do what feels "right" to me, no matter what society thinks. When I safeword, there has never been an instance where he did not stop immediately. In fact, even with past boyfriends, if I safeworded or indicated I was ready to stop, there has never been a time a man did not immediately respect my wish.


In all honesty, I think it's good that there are people out there writing thoughtful, well-documented articles against BDSM. With all the good and not-so-good BDSM resources out there, it's easy for newbies or wanna-bes to fall into BDSM and fancy themselves the World's Next Great Master or the Twoo Submissive Searching for Love. It's important for us to realize that yes, there are people who abuse BDSM and use it for violence, abuse, slavery, racism, and other bad things. I'm honestly glad someone pointed it out. But to pretend like that's all BDSM is? That's an obvious lie.

Wait, maybe we could add that to Media Watch's list!

Lie #11: Sadomasochism is harmful for its adherents.