12/28/2010

"Natural Submission"

I had a great question from a fellow blogger...

What does "natural submission" mean to me? Why do I use that phrase so much in my blog?

Obviously, I don't identify as naturally submissive; my blogs are pretty clear on that. But it's a phrase I use because I hear it so much on the FetLife community. In the Submissive Women group, I feel like the women there are sometimes obsessed with being "naturally submissive." I want to ask them why being naturally submissive, as opposed to having to work at it, or (gasp!) being forced into it, is the preferred state. Women seem to wear it as a badge of honor: "I'm NATURALLY submissive," or worse, "I'm a true submissive."

Does that make the rest of us false submissives? Bad subs? Of lesser value? I'm not sure if that is the intended meaning, but for some women, I think they believe that if they can't hammer their personality into being a true or natural submissive, they aren't being 100% submissive.

My view is that submission is something that can be attained in many ways. You can have a personality that is naturally more complacent and focused on pleasing other people, or you can be a spitfire of a man or woman, with money and opinions and education of your own. There is no one right or true way into submission.

As far as Dominants go, from what I can tell, there are those who like all manner of subs. Some of them expect a women to fall at their feet after the first badly spelled and pornographic intro message (as if). Some want a sub who is submissive to all Masters and Mistresses and Dominants, while others expect their sub to only answer to them and treat everyone else as equals, regardless of BDSM "status." I've certainly read forums where Doms and Masters--and their female counterparts--are looking for subs who are assertive and brave in most areas of their lives. It all depends on what a particular Top wants.

So why do I use the phrase "naturally submissive" a lot in my blog? Well, usually because I'm starting the sentence with "I'm not _______". And I'm not. I use this idea because it is so prevalent, sometimes even desired, by subs I come across in the blogging and Fetlife communities. If that's what they want? What their Tops want? What they desire to be? Awesome. I have no issue with it.

But I hope my blog makes it clear that you don't have to be a "naturally submissive" sub to be a "good" sub. I've identified a quality that many subs seem to lust after, or parade around if they've already attained it. And I'm trying to show that I don't need to be that person, that I'm not that person.

People will sometimes send me emails, asking my advice about something or other in their BDSM lifestyles. I try make it clear through my writings that yes, there are many, many, many people out there who strive for the "naturally submissive" approach, but that isn't all of us. I want to highlight that it's possible to be a success in your D/s or M/s relationship and still not conform to certain ideals in the community. You can be a strong man or woman and still make some Top very happy.

Naturally submissive? Truly submissive? Or do you have to work at it? Or do you have to be tied up and beaten into submission?

It's all good to me.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am new to being a sub. But have found that there are certain parts of being a sub fit my natural personality traits, but have found that a great deal of wanting to submit has to do with the Dom, and wanting to submit to Him.

Jenny said...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I belong to that group, too, and have been wondering if I am really submissive since I have to work at it so hard and fail so often. I also need my dominant to push back when I push him - I am not submissive for submission's sake, that's for sure!
I'm going to go back and read more of your posts.

Jenny