Why Do Doms Want Weak, Spineless Subs?

Do most men want women who are naturally submissive (or weak, or softspoken, or obedient, or whatever)?

Sometimes I feel that way. Just like I sometimes get really overwhelmed by the sheer number of kinksters who are polyamorous, or not Christian, or whatever, sometimes I just feel like every Dom or Sir or Mistress or Master out there is searching for someone who is easy to control. I know it's not true, since I've seen many posts by women who don't want to be that kind of submissive (FetLife discussion, Taken in Hand articles, comments on my blog), and also a few by men who don't seem to want that kind of wife (Taken in Hand article, Slave Training guide). But far and wide, it seems like most men and women dominants want an easy pass on the work of controlling and dominating another person. (Or, at the very least, they only want to work hard at dominating when they feel like it.)

Today, my Dom and I had a very bad talk. Turns out he wants me to submit on my own, not wait for him to conquer me. I hate the idea of just submitting, since that makes any "domination" he does more of a role-playing game than a real D/s, full-time relationship. He was also very negative, blaming me for things I've already improved on weeks ago, accusing me of being the cause of 9/10 of the conflict in our relationship, and telling me no man would ever be able to dominate me. I guess, to him, my need to be dominated, coupled with my strength as a person, is too much. He prefers a more naturally submissive woman, like those mentioned in the New Testament, and he prefers to only have to go through the work of "dominating" a woman every 2 to 3 days, not all the time, and certainly not 24/7. He says if he dominates me once every few days, I should just be able to remain feeling "dominated" until another conflict comes up. To me, however, after a few hours, subspace floats away like a light alcohol buzz and I'm back to normal: equal partners. We just couldn't agree.

Well, Biblically, I don't have a leg to stand on because he's the husband, so I finally gave in (after a loooong and very unhappy discussion). Of course, I told him all the laying blame and making me feel like I'm "too much" and that no man would ever want to dominate me is not fair, and in return he says I'm not being biblically submissive and that I do all this research online but never actually submit in real life. Well, of course, I'm waiting to be dominated, but I guess neither of us is happy with the way things are.

Here are the questions we discussed, and my answers.

Aren't all subs naturally submissive?

No, but some are. Some women on Fetlife and CDD sites take pride in being "naturally submissive," as though that makes them better subs. To me, it just makes them easier subs to deal with, and they would be happy with lazier or less strong dominants. But not all subs have naturally submissive personalities! A quick look at Taken in Hand articles or Fetlife groups for submissive women will tell you that a lot of women only submit to ONE man, and only because he has proved himself to her. A writer on the Taken in Hand website put it perfectly:

First, women choose men – not the other way around. Part of that expectation is that a man be able to handle her.

It is not so much a conscious choice as a biological drive linked to survival of the species. For if a man cannot tame the beast that is within her, odds are that he will not have the courage to protect her or their children.

Second, women test. It is in their nature. They have to make sure that they have made the right choice of mate. Again, this is a self-protective mechanism.

The more unsure a woman is of male prowess, the more likely she is to test. If the man continues to fall short of her expectations, she will come to loath him. (For the rest of the article, click here.)

Do subs want all the good and none of the bad of domination?

This was my Dom's idea. He says women who want to be dominated are wanting all the good of manly domination and none of the bad. They want to be treasured, led, guided, and conquered, but they don't want him to be an asshole or domineering or selfish or a jerk about it. To my Dom, this seems unfair for the women to want. To me, it seems only natural. Of course we want strong male leadership (like God modeled in the Old Testament!) without the man being a jerk or only worrying about himself. And I think as subs, we are willing to accept that sometimes we won't be happy with a scene, that it will be about our Dom's pleasure and our pain, but still we need to be happy or have some sort of emotional need met SOMETIMES or why would we stay? But my Dom has learned to be a leader in the Army or from his alcoholic, abusive father, and that is where I think he gets a lot of his "Leaders must be assholes" idea.

Should Doms and subs create their own lifestyle or go by online resources?

I think, with the wealth of resources out there, we should learn from the kinksters who have already succeeded at living a lifestyle. There are common ideals that unite the community of kinksters, such as mutual consent, no harm, sane and safe play, etc. There are already loads of books and websites created to teach us about becoming Masters, slaves, Dommes, Mistresses, Doms, Owners, subs, Tops, or bottoms. There are websites with slave training guidelines, sample Master/slave contracts, and great discussions where we can learn more about the community. While no one site has the "right way" or "wrong way," I think it's silly and irresponsible to try to become part of a community without learning about it first. I think there is no such thing as having too much knowledge on a subject, especially one you are considering incorporating into your lifestyle full-time. You can get ideas from others, receive support, or even find an on-line mentor.

My Dom, on the other hand, thinks I've done "too much research." He thinks all my research has filled me head with unattainable ideals of submission and domination that either aren't possible, or aren't possible for him. He thinks two people should be able to decide upon a relationship style on their own, without input from strangers over the internet.

I think that's a great idea, but without other subs to tell you what your rights are, or other Mistresses to give you great punishment and control ideas, such a relationship could quickly degenerate into abusive control. I think that the old adage is true: "The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know." I think that the hours I put into researching and writing about BDSM help make me an expert in the topic, and that without the online sites, I'd have never had a clue what diversity of kink there was in the world. I think that you can never have too much knowledge.

Can you do too much online research?

In my opinion, unless you start doing so much online research that you quit doing your other duties (cleaning the house, taking showers, going to work, etc.), no. Research and knowledge are priceless. See above.

What happens if two people can't agree on what their relationship should be?

Well, if they're not already married or otherwise committed (collared, etc.), they can just leave until they find the right match for their kinky desires. Having unfulfilled needs, sexual or otherwise, can be very difficult on a relationship.

On the other hand, many people are already married or committed. In this case, if two people simply can't agree on the dynamic of their relationship, they have a few options:

1. Divorce. Biblically, this isn't permissible because you don't love them anymore or they don't meet your needs--- only if the other person has committed adultery. (See Matthew 5:27-32.)
2. Separation. No sex with anyone but your spouse, though.
3. Have a separate Master and husband. You'd actually be surprised how many women have both a loving husband and a Sir. The trick is that both parties MUST know about the other and the entire relationship must be completely honest and open with everyone involved. Otherwise, it's just cheating, and only slimeballs do that. Also, Christians are not allowed to have sex with anyone but their spouse (see Hewbrews 13:4), so having a BDSM relationship with anyone but your spouse means it can't include sex or anything sexual.
4. Quit having a BDSM relationship. One or both of you will be unhappy.
5. Decide to go with one person's version and not the other's. This means one of you will be unhappy.

Should the Bible or BDSM come first?

Well, obviously, the Bible. God comes before everything in our lives. That's why I had to admit defeat with my husband when we just couldn't agree. When it comes down to it, the Bible is clear; Ephesians 5:22-24 says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

He wants our BDSM relationship one way. I want it another way. He thinks I complain too much and never submit like a submissive should. I think he should be more consistent and conquer me more. And in the end, who was right? It doesn't matter, because he pointed out the Bible to me. And he was right. I may not want to obey him, but I do want to obey God. I don't want to put myself in the position of jeapordizing my marriage and displeasing my Creator just because I was stubborn and willful. It would be so much easier (for me) if he could do things my way, and I wish he would. And what about what all those "Biblically submissive women" books and sites that advise us wives to submit with grace and a good attitude?

Fat chance. I may be called to obey in all things, so fine. But I can't control my attitude and right now my attitude about this is nothing like the joyful, submssive attitude the church has when submitting to Christ. But I don't feel like I can control that now. And I don't really want to.

He seems to want a 100% Biblically submissive wife, to be a Biblically leading husband all the time, and to be a Dom who controls and hurts me about 50% of the time. To me, that feels fake. I feel like we're doing what the Bible says (and we should!), but that he is playing "dress-up Dom" the rest of the time. He can't control me all the time--or more accurately, doesn't want to go through the effort of doing so all the time--so he wants me to pretend to give in even when I am not conquered. Fine. I can do it, but I'll sulk and I'm mad. He left an hour ago and I didn't even talk to him. Christlike? No. But hurt and angry wife-like? You bet.

I'm sure things will get better soon, but for now..... that's all.