Positive and Negative Energy in BDSM

Many BDSM relationships have a special kind of energy. Other words for it include fizzle, spark, and chemistry. I think this is why people are attracted to the relationship between pleasure and pain. It creates an electrical sizzle that can make sex scarier, more intense, more frightening, more mind-blowing, and better. This energy flows between Doms and subs like from two separate ends of a battery. Together, they unite and ignite with a crackle, but two Doms or two subs will have a harder time getting that connection to flow.

There are two types of energy that flow between Doms and subs, positive and negative energy.

When I say this, I don't mean positive and negative as "good" and "bad" energy, but simply as two different types of energy. Negative energy, while not bad, is the type that drains you. Positive energy is the kind that heals and rejuvenates you.

Of course, positive and negative energy can change depending on the person. Doms, in my experience, can feed off both kinds of energy. They may prefer one or the other, but many can use both. On the other hand, while subs can give both kinds of energy, they often need to make sure there is a balance of both. If scenes are all about negative energy (activities that leave the sub drained and empty), eventually the sub will get too emotionally or physically drained. In the words of Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, her "love tank" will be empty.

Using too much negative energy in a relationship will leave a sub who is too drained to participate in scenes. This is what Doms talk about when they say "taking care of your sub." As a wise online Dom once said, "You can play rough with your toys, but you can't break them if you want to play with them again." :)

What are some examples of positive energy? They are scene activities that leave your sub feeling happy, rejuvinated, whole, and renewed. For me, some examples are:

• feeling little


• having an orgasm


• feeling intimate


• being in subspace (happy, floaty)

On the other hand, some activities leave me feeling more drained than before, like:

• being scared or frightened


• feeling vulnerable


• being physically hurt


• feeling worried, anxious, stressed, or panicked


• doing acts of service

This may vary from sub to sub, but for me these are how I feel. For instance, I know many subs feel that doing acts of service gives back to them, so for them it's positive energy.

Anyway, if you are a Dom, you need to make sure your scenes incorporate both types of energy, or your sub will get too drained. This helps keep her healthy and able to partipate in even more future BDSM scenes.