Do Our Adolescent Fantasies Tell Us Who We Are?

Of course, most of us discovered our burgeoning sexuality when we were teenagers. Aside from a minority of people who were very aware of sexuality at an early age, or who were the victims of tragedy such as sexual abuse, most people start thinking a lot about sex, sexuality, the opposite (or same) sex, kissing, and fantasies when they hit puberty.

Yesterday, I was ruminating... do our adolescent fantasies predict that kinksters we will become?

Sometimes, the answer is yes. I've heard stories from kinksters who report being strangely fascinated by spanking or bondage at a young age. My own first fantasies at the age of 15 or 16 were probably "kinky," although at the time I had no idea what was normal or even what the word "kinky" meant.

I'll give some examples. When I was 15, I fantasized about being raped. I would wonder to myself what that meant about me. Did that mean I really wanted to be raped? I thought I probably wouldn't, but I wasn't sure. Did fantasizing about it make me wrong? But after thought, I decided it was probably my fantasy, not actual rape, that turned me on. Still, I would often soothe myself to sleep with thoughts of being roughly savaged by an older, strangely sexual man. He wanted me so much that he took me, and that was what made it sexy. Still, I can vouch that in this case, the fantasy is nicer than the reality, because if my husband tries to force himself on me, I get annoyed and snarly rather than submissive and turned on.

Another of my favorite fantasies was an older, evil/sexy man who would force-feed me a magic pill that would make me shamefully, intensely turned on against my own will. He would then proceed to finger me, while I remained silent and unwilling yet undeniably burning "down there." Of course, at the end, proud and resistant to the last, I would have an earth-shattering orgasm against my will. Was it the shame of the orgasm, or the orgasm itself, that turned me on so much?

I also liked the idea of being kidnapped by an older man, together with my terribly cute (imaginary) boyfriend. Oh, I had boyfriends in real life, but none of them were as innocent and completely hot as the boyfriend in my fantasies. The man would force us to have sex. It didn't matter if he watched us or not; the point was that it was forced upon us.

I think these fantasies said something about me at that age. They all included much older men, men who were attracted by my innocence and who wanted me for themselves. In all of them, I was forced to enjoy some sexual activity. Perhaps, to my young mind, this "being forced" was what was so sexy. I could enjoy sex without loosing my innocence; it was all taking place against my will. The fact that I enjoyed it only made it sexier.

Now that I'm a married adult, sex is no longer taboo, and therefore the rape fantasies have lost their appeal. I don't really want to be raped or forced to do something that I can already do anytime of my own free will. But in my fantasies, I got to have both: maintain my innocence and experience illicit pleasure. It was the tantalizing idea of an older, sexual man forcing me to enjoy pleasure against my will that I loved.

Did I know I would be kinky when I was 15 or 16? No.

But looking back at what I liked then, it sure doesn't surprise me now.