But....but what if she doesn't like it?

This beautiful painting is an image of Eve despairing in the garden of Eden, after she has eaten the forbidden fruit. As a clear example of how marriages and lives can go wrong without the presence of godly male leadership, Christians have the famous story of the Garden of Eden in Genesis. I chose the painting because it beautifully depicts the despair and hopelessness that can enter our lives when our husbands do not provide the leadership and guidance they are called to.

The story began thousands of years ago, and it continues today. Like Eve, many women are headstrong and opinionated. Like Adam, many men are passive and compliant. Today, in BDSM relationships and out of them, the saga continues: women cry out for strength and leadership, and men ask the age-old question:

"But what if she doesn't like it?"

This is a question I think many, if not all, Doms and Masters struggle with when they enter into a D/s relationship. Let's face it: hitting girls, pushing them, yelling at them, calling them names, and tying them up are pretty big cultural "no-nos" in our society.

My Dom, even after years of BDSM and D/s activity, still struggles with this. He doesn't want to hurt me, he wants to be "fair," or he just doesn't want to accidentally trigger past flashbacks that will freak me out. He tries to be very cautious, which is good, because safety and caution are important aspects of D/s. On the other hand, if you're too safe and cautious, you end up being a "nice guy" and not a "sexy, strong" guy.

What's a guy to do?

I've read a lot on this subject, and it's not an uncommon question.

Let me just put it this way: Is she hinting that she'd like to be dominated more? Is she complaining that you don't hurt her enough? Is she asking to be scared, or hurt, or beaten? If she is, that means she wants it. People can say BDSM is unhealthy all they want, but if it makes two consenting adults happy, I say go for it. We each get to define what "healthy" is for our own relationship. And if you have a sub or slave that is longing for more D/s or violence or BDSM or whatever, and you don't give it to her because you're such a "nice guy," you're going to end up with a very unhappy, bitter slave who is not getting her needs met, and instead of being such a great, wonderful, sweet guy, you're the sissy who wasn't man enough to meet her needs even when she outright asked for it.

Don't believe me that you're not alone?

Check out Domination for Nice Guys by Franklin Veaux. This article answers such common questions as, "But men aren't supposed to do that to women!", "Where do I even start with this stuff?", and "But I don't want to hurt her!" If these questions sound like you, I recommend this article. This was one of the first articles I read when I was new to BDSM, and it's great.

Not surprisingly, other philosophies of male-led domination in marriage such as Taken in Hand and Christian Domestic Discipline have similar articles. Check out, for instance:

Note: Some of these links give a "Forbidden" message, but you simply need to click "Refresh" or hit "Enter" in the URL bar.

• A Noble Calling: The Husband's Role in DD
• What If He Is Horrified by the Idea?
• Reluctant Men
• Micromanagement Works For Me!

One thing I've noticed on both TiH and CDD sites is that most of the articles are written by women, for women. It's women who are running these sites, women who are writing in to beg advice for how to get their husbands to dominate them, and mostly women who initiate D/s in their relationships.

Lucky is the woman whose man has the initiative and drive to find out about D/s, learn what it is, and initiate it in their relationship. But for most couples, it's the woman who does all that work.

In A Noble Calling: A Husband's Role in DD, author Brent says:

Many women want Domestic Discipline and even initiate it by suggesting the notion to their husbands. A wise man, if he’s inclined, will take her up on it, for the joys are myriad. Women, being wise (for God made them that way since wisdom goes hand in hand with motherhood!) often realize the benefits that structure and discipline can have in their own lives and in their relationship.

Truly, while D/s isn't for everyone, some women prefer to have structure and order in their lives. Some women would rather have a confident man's man than a "nice guy." They will be happier, healthier, and feel more secure.

So man up, men!