Experimenting with Clothespins

In our efforts to research painful things, I am testing clothespins today. I know many involved in the BDSM world use them as a way to inflict pain on their subs and slaves. I am inflicting pain on myself to be a good Dom. I want to figure out just how long and often this method should be used. It is a great idea for all Doms to test how painful something is before administering punishment. Just like the old saying goes, "Don't dish it, if you can't take it." I'll be placing clothespins on at a time in different places all over my body. I'll measure the pain on a scale of one to ten. One to three will be noticeable, four to six manageable, seven to nine difficult, and ten is unbearable. I will be working my way from the top down and leaving the pin on for at least one minute.

The first area tested was the ear. The top of the ear registered at an eight! I didn't realize how tough that minute would be. It never deadened or dulled either. I experienced the same amount of pain the whole time. The earlobe was a much easier sensation to bear. It started out at a one and gradually elevated to a two. It wasn't hard at all.

The next place I tested was the septum of my nose. It started out as a five and rose to a seven. This test caused my eyes to water uncontrollably. It made breathing difficult as well. Don't try this if you have a history of breathing trouble or tonsillitis.

I tried both armpits and they were a total letdown. The pain hovered around a two. I don't recommend trying this spot until you are want a gentle response from your sub. This would be well used directly after some sensory deprivation as a soft reminder of pain.

The next stop on the list was my nipples. This was an interesting feeling and the only one like it so far. The pain was actually at a seven when I started and messed with my mind, because all the other tests got more painful as time went on. My pain level actually dipped down to a five once the initial shock wore off. As I Dom, I would suggest leaving the pins on your sub's nipples for only a short time and repeating the punishment over and over. This way they don't realize the "light" at the end of the tunnel.

The belly button doesn't hurt at all.

I tried it on my penis and testicles, too. There were two different trials, one with the penis flaccid and the other was full erect. I tried it on two different places the head and shaft. While flaccid the pain on the head is about a three and on the shaft it is a one. It's a different situation when the penis is erect though! The when on the head the pain is a five and increases to a seven when less skin is taken in the pinch. The shaft is a two. Don't waste your time on the scrotum. In my case it didn't feel painful at all.

I also discovered the pain of a clothespin on the webbing of hands or feet stays at about a two.

So there you have it. The most sensitive areas to pain with clothespins are the tops of the ears, nipples, and the head of an erect penis. I encourage you to try experiments like this at home. This is a relatively harmless one, too. Now it is up to you come up with combinations, which will torture your beautiful little sub and show them how much you care.

Kinky and Christian

For those of us leading Christian lifestyles, how is BDSM different? Certainly, God has given us certain boundaries for sex and love that others in the BDSM community do not follow... so how do we remain members of this kinky community, without falling into sin?

First, a lot of people couldn't imagine a Christian being into BDSM. Christians have an image as goodie-goodies who never enjoy sex. But we Christians are as diverse as any other group, so of course some of us are into some rough play, rape fantasies, and dirty talk! Is God okay with this? Well, you have to ask Him for yourself... but in my opinion, yes!

I have found several great Christians focused on pleasing God in the BDSM community. I've met people from all across the Christian denominations, from devout Catholics to Southern Baptist preachers and everything in between. These people are struggling to find a balance between their relationship with God and their kinky desires.

Of course, God gives us some boundaries for sex through His Word. We should stay away from sex outside of marriage. This includes premarital sex, solo masturbation, orgies, and threesomes. We know this isn't because God hates sex and doesn't want us to have fun, but because He is so invested in giving His people a sacred and special sex life, He wants us to save it for just one special partner in a monogamous marriage! Within His perimeters, we find sex lives full of sacred spirituality and eternal worth, and are richly blessed!

The New Testament also is clear that we should abstain from sexual contact with the same sex, with animals, or with children. In Matthew 5:18, Jesus tells us to even save our thoughts for our spouse; we shouldn't fantasize. So clearly, we shouldn't engage in BDSM where we talk about others watching, fantasize about having a threesome or orgy, or pretend our spouse is someone else.

Basically, all these ideas stem from the idea of keeping sexuality sacred for your God-given marriage partner, the person with whom you will be One Flesh. Of course, masturbating, including animals or other people, watching porn, and reading erotica are all sexual experiences that aren't shared with your spouse, so you should probably avoid them. Many BDSM parties hosted by non-Christians will allow kinksters to "play" in public; as far as I can tell, watching or performing is just live porn, and allows others into your sacred sex life intended for two.

Is God okay with BDSM? I think so. The Old Testament is full of examples of God telling His people how to treat their slaves and servants right! He even describes how many times to beat them for certain offenses. New Testament authors Paul and Peter both stress the importance of a woman submitting to her husband...and what is BDSM but the submission of your most private, intimate self?

Other than these few guidelines, sex within Christian marriage is an open playground ready for exploration! There is so much we as Christians can do! As long as we both agree... it's fair game! You can scream, fight, enact rape fantasies or interrogation scenes, hit, beat, whip, punish, spank, and paddle your spouse. You can yank his hair, torture his cock, tie him up and gag him. You can make her beg, make her cry, make her scream in pain, and laugh wickedly because you're enjoying it! You can twist her nipples, fuck her ass, and shove a dildo covered in Tiger Balm into her pussy and watch her scream and arch her back in pain. You can play with vibrators, dildos, cock rings, bondage gear, piercings, hot wax, asphyxiation, and butt plugs together. You can write each other dirty erotica, have steamy phone sex, video and photograph your own personal porn collection of yourselves, and have conversations that make you both horny and wet. You can have sex in the bathroom of a bar, force her to cum and then lick it up, write dirty names all over her in permanent marker, and humiliate her til she cries. You can boss him around, slap him, jam a dildo up his ass and call him a homo for liking it. Basically, be as dirty as you want... just make sure sex includes the two of you, no more and no less!

Being Christian doesn't mean you have to be boring. You can still be into kink and BDSM on Saturday night, and pray demurely in church on Sunday morning. Of course, we need to be careful our play is consensual and following holy guidelines, but as long as you are...

And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his
hand; he shall be surely punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two,
he shall not be punished: for he is his property. -Exodus 21:20-21

Subspace and Subdrop--Warning! May Increase Pleasure!

We have written on this topic before, but only from a very distant, theoretical approach. I am writing now from a personal point of view.

I was just in and out of sub space less than an hour ago. My Dom had to leave to go to work, so I am left now, thinking dreamily about him. Luckily he was able to provide sufficient aftercare before he left that I am feeling fine. While I can get out of hardcore subspace in a few minutes, I'm finding it takes minutes and hours to completely come back to reality. It is like I have been asleep, and it takes me several hours to completely lose the groggy feeling.

Since I am pretty new to subspace, I thought I might help out fellow subs by describing how it feels for us newbies. I've heard there is a different type of subspace, brought on by an endorphin high after pain, and I've never tried that; this subspace is completely emotional.

Experienced BDSMers talk about subspace as though the rest of us should know what it is. But how do we newbies know? Honestly, the first few times I was in subspace, I didn't realize what it was. I just knew I felt very obedient for a while. I can best describe it now as an altered state of consciousness, similar to what you get from other altered states of consciousness: being drunk, doing pot, sleeping, dreaming, undergoing hypnosis.

How do you know when you are in subspace? For me, it feels very dreamy. My Dom describes me as saying I seem "zombie-like," although I prefer "dreamy"--much better image, no? :) As a sub, you will go from feeling quite normal and maybe even rather bratty and having a lot of fight in you, to suddenly very quiet, docile, and obedient. I'm a very mouthy, opinionated, independent, strong woman normally---but when my Dom puts me in subspace (usually by yelling at me or speaking sternly to me, like I'm a small child), I change completely. Suddenly I am obedient to everything he says. It doesn't occur to me to fight with him or argue with him. I am incredibly sensitive during this time. Things that usually turn me on, like insulting me or calling me names, will utterly devastate me in this mood. I feel like a dreamy, obedient slave, doing everything he says without question (or at least with minimal whining!). He is suddenly my entire focus of being, and without him to give me a command I would probably just sit dumbly and wait. Things that in "normal space" I would not do or find gross/embarrassing, I do without question now because he wants it. I feel needy and sensitive, and want 100% to please him, which is why any insults, harsh words, dirty talk, or hint of being angry at me or disappointed in me will send me into a spiral of depression.

I love being in subspace! It is a welcome relief from the stresses of the world. I am normally so busy being my Dom's equal, worrying about life and family and friends and maintaining a relationship, being a good worker and Christian and maintaining healthy balances and hobbies and interests. I am a go-getter, an achiever, and driven. Suddenly that all goes away, and I feel numb and dreamy, and nothing exists in the world but my Dom. It is all so wonderfully simple. I want to please him, and I am 100% in touch with my base instincts at that moment---stripped bare of society and pretenses, I am a needy, clingy little girl and at the same time a completely sexual, horny, bottomless pit of sexual desire I want him to fill. All the facades have been stripped away, and I am stripped to the core of my being for those moments: serving him and getting sex.

It is a highly addictive feeling! I find I crave it more the more I experience it.

Of course, what is not fun is coming out of subspace. This is called subdrop. Once I orgasm, or when he quietly says, "Okay, Pretty Girl, come back out soon," I know to start heading back toward reality. Once he says that, he just needs to wait quietly for me to drift out on my own. But then I sort of crash. I am overwhelmed with an entirely irrational paranoia that I do not please him. I get sensitive, sad, clingy, needy, and whiny. I ask him again and again if he is happy, if I annoy him, does he mind I'm being needy?, etc, etc, etc. No matter how many times he reassures me, I still keep asking. Luckily for me my Dom is incredibly patient and has never once gotten annoyed at this irrational and somewhat infuriating behavior. He normally just laughs and enjoys it, seeing it as one more way he has power over me. He will reassure me endlessly, answering and re-answering the same questions as long as I need him to. This is our version of aftercare.

Every sub is different during subspace and subdrop, and I can only speak for myself. The closest feeling to being in subspace is the feeling of doing pot, and the closest analogy for subdrop is having a really depressed, needy day. Subspace is fantastic; subdrop is not.

Even though I'm enough out of subspace to function normally after only a few seconds or minutes, the feeling drifts with me for several more minutes or hours. I've heard of other subs during this time who wrote incredibly personal, needy emails to their Doms, only to regret it hours later when they felt normal! Suddenly I understand that, as in this mood I find myself wanting to express my undying adoration of him, but most of the time, in our regular lives as a Christian couple, I just want to smack him for not being more perfect! LOL.

If you happen to find yourself feeling numb and wanting nothing more than serve your Dom, congratulations.... you're in subspace. If you're a Dom who has the pleasure of a sub who is ready and willing to serve your every whim, enjoy the pampering and power you receive during this time. And if you're not there yet, keep playing BDSM, and eventually it will just happen. Trust me. It did for me.

Code Words to Begin a Scene

If you are not in a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship 24/7, it might be a good idea to have a set of code words the two of you know mean, "I want to begin a scene now." As the Dom (or Domme, or Daddy/Mommy, or whatever...), you are in charge of the scene. You will decide when you want to begin it and end it. Your sub can't read your mind, and may not react kindly to being bossed around in real life if he doesn't know you want a scene to begin. So it is best to have some words or phrases that let your sub know when you choose to begin dominating.

Author F.R.R. Mallory describes a sub who is going about her regular day when the Dom decides he wants to begin a scene:

This space occurs when the Dominant in the relationship directs attention at the
submissive. This may be a glance, a light touch, a small sound or any
combination of these triggers. This marginal appearing contact drops the
submissive out of top space into a state of waiting and/or listening for
command. She stops. Generally she will cease talking even in the midst of a
comment. She may stop moving. She will generally attempt direct eye contact with
her Dominant to see if he/she has a direction or command for her. If nothing
further occurs she will most likely re-top. Or, go back to full functional top
space. If the Dominant mentally presses...she will generally descend further
into space.

The more you practice being a Dom, the better you get at it. At first, your sub may have a hard time getting into subspace. But as you get her there more often, it will become easier to get her there. Every time you get her there, you are conditioning her to go there. Eventually, you may just have to say a certain word or give her a certain look and she will start to get dreamy and obedient. (If you enjoy a good mental fight before you get your sub there, you will want to avoid giving her a particular look or phrase, because she will start to go to subspace quickly if you do!) I know the more I experience subspace, the easier it is to slip into it the next time--so if you want a quickly obedient and willing slave, practice makes perfect!

Like any training, you have to be consistent. You can train your sub to slip into subspace without her ever noticing. Every time you begin a scene, pick a certain phrase. Or, have a pet name you only call her during scenes. Her brain will subconsciously pick up on this. Soon, once you say the phrase or call her the name, she will stop what she is doing and make eye contact with you, waiting for a command. If you give it, she will probably go down into subspace.

What phrases or code words can you use? The best idea is probably to have a pet name for her you only use during scenes. Names have a particular way of affecting us. I've noticed during a fight, my Dom can say my name several times and I will keep ranting, but once he quietly says, "Pretty Girl!" (his non-BDSM pet name for me), I pause and wait for him to talk. Using that name makes me mentally pause and calm down. The same can be true for a BDSM name.

You can pick any number of pet names for your sub. Just make sure you use it lots and lots during a scene, and never use it outside a scene. This way your sub will associate it with going into subspace and obeying you. Once the sub is trained and used to this, all you have to do is use this name at the mall or during a party and your sub will look at you, start to feel submissive, and wait for a command. What fun for you! :)

Here are some pet name ideas. They can be related to BDSM or not, just make sure your sub only associates them with scenes and obeying.

• my pet
• my love
• servant
• slave
• Girl/Boy
• slut (use a foreign language for dirty words if you don't feel comfortable using them in public places)
• whore
• bitch
• Baby Girl/Boy
• Daddy's little girl
• Mommy's little boy
• My servant
• honey
• sweetie
• babe, baby, baby doll
• Freckles
• Dimples
• Chubby
• Blue Eyes
• my darling

So a scene might begin like this: if your sub isn't expecting a scene, you know you need to warn her you want something. You whisper in her ear, "My little slavegirl, go get me a drink, please," or "Freckles. Do you hear me? Listen and obey, Freckles. Please go to the restroom and touch yourself for 5 minutes." If you chose any name that is only used for the sub during a scene, she will know what you want and to obey!

If you don't want to use a pet name, a touch, glance, or code phrase will work. A light touch on the small of the back is often a very controlling guesture no one else will notice. Your sub will straighten up and look at you for more direction. You can whisper in her ear that she is turning you on and you want to begin a scene now. Even in public, you can whisper a command in her ear and enjoy her obedience while no one else knows. Example: At a fancy business dinner, you lightly touch her lower back. Since you only do this to begin scenes, she looks at you, surprised. You whisper: "Go get me a drink, my love." Obedient and surprised, she nods, and hurries off to do your bidding. No one else knows! :) You can have fun seeing how far you can get her to go in public without questioning your authority.

A code phrase, such as, "This is what I want," "Do not disobey me," or "You don't want to disappoint me, do you?" will also work. These can be used in public or private. Just make sure you always begin a scene this way, and your sub will quickly associate the phrase with descending into subspace and obeying your every whim.

Of course, conditioning works in other ways, too. If every time she disobeys, you quietly say, "Don't test me, Green Eyes," and then give her a sound beating or punishment, soon all you will have to say is, "Don't test me, Green Eyes," and she will hurry to do your bidding!

The more you train your sub, the easier it will be to control her. Be consistent, be consistent, be consistent. Subs, like puppies and children, can be trained---just be firm, be merciless, and be consistent. Happy training!

Bondage, Hooks, and Chains, Oh My!

Bondage is a sexy part of BDSM. Want some cool, creative ideas for how to tie up your lover without going back to Boy Scout basic training to learn to tie knots?

First, try sturdy plant hooks or other hooks from the hardware store. Make sure they can hold enough weight that they won't dislodge when your partner struggles! (If your partner is a 130-lb. female, this will be easier than if he is a 200-lb. muscle builder!) These are great ideas because once you have installed them with a simple drill, they just look like empty plant hooks when the in-laws come over. Likewise, hooks installed into the wall or near the floor can easily be installed behind a door or near a bed so guests won't ever see them.

Once you have these hooks installed, all you need is a pair of handcuffs and some rope or chain! Want a sexy idea? Have your partner get a piercing, or use one he already has. A small chain can easily clip to a small piercing on one end and the hooks in the wall or ceiling on the other. The ideas here are limitless! Here are some ideas:

• nose hooked to ring in ceiling or wall
• ear hooked to ring in ceiling
• lip or tongue hooked to ring in ceiling
• belly button hooked to ring in ceiling
• clit or cock hooked to ring in wall
• clit hooked to a chain held in your hand and pulled lightly when they disobey!
• nose or nipples hooked to chain held in your hand; you pull them around like an animal or slave
• nipples hooked to cock or clit

There are few ways your sub is going to feel more terrified, humiliated, and afraid to move than when she is handcuffed, and she is chained by her clit to the wall! While the actual bondage is very small, it is an incredibly vulnerable and humiliating position. If you handcuff her hands behind her back so she can't reach the chain, and place her as far from the wall as the hook will allow, she will be afraid to move at all! This kind of mental control is great. You can enjoy the view for hours, or even take pictures of your unwilling model to look at and enjoy later!

To be an especially fun and evil Dom, whip or paddle your sub in this position. If they move to avoid the blows, they hurt their nipples or clit (or wherever the chain is attached!). If they do not move, they receive the full brunt of your beating. Ahhhh, decisions! You can watch the terror and fear as your sub wrestles with two terrible decisions, trying to decide which will bring the least pain.

Another deliciously wicked idea is to bind your sub in an uncomfortable position. For example, tie her hands above her head and attach her to a hook in the ceiling, at just the right height so she can stand, but cannot comfortably put her feet all the way down. The pain and discomfort will heighten her humiliation and break her more easily. Or, attach his nipples to the wall, and his tongue or cock to a chain you hold in your hand. When you pull the chain, he will have to follow the movement, which will pull and hurt his nipples!

There are also hooks made especially for bondage. These hooks are sturdy and thick for internal insertion. They have a loop at the end so you can easily attach a chain or rope. Below are some hooks that can be inserted in the pussy, ass, nose, or mouth.

A great idea is also to buy or make some thigh cuffs. This pictures shows a commercial pair, but you can easily do this with rope, scarves, or belts. Be creative! Tie your sub's ankles and thighs together so they cannot stand or move away as you torture and enter them. Or, tie your sub's thighs and wrists together behind their back so they cannot fight back or defend themselves against your evil antics.

Bondage is fun, but some safety rules are in order: bondage can also be dangerous. Don't ever leave a bound person unattended. If you want the sub to think he is unattended, still be watching in secret. Have a safe word (or safe action, if the sub is gagged) so she can tell you if you need to abort play. Come in often and simply ask the sub if he is okay; he can nod or shake his head. For rope and tape, invest in a pair of emergency shears (shown in the picture); these are great for bondage and rape play because they allow you to quickly cut away clothing and bondage without cutting the victim. Also, don't leave a victim in the same position for more than an hour; change every so often so circulation stays healthy. Many people faint during bondage, so be prepared to quickly cut loose your sub in an emergency; offer small snacks if he gets faint. When bound, watch for changes in skin color: skin that is turning pink, white, or purple is getting too much or too little blood, and you need to loosen the bondage. Also, feel your sub's hands and feet every once in a while. If the extremities are getting cold or clammy, the bondage may be stopping blood flow or pinching a nerve.

And just for the sake of your sub's comfort, remember that a person who is sitting still and bound is going to get very cold. You are probably clothed, walking around, or working up a sweat by hitting or acosting your sub, and you may not feel this! Your naked, bound sub will. Feel his face, feet, and hands, and keep the heat up so a naked person can still feel comfortable.

If you get off on the idea of seeing your sub sitting spread-eagled, handcuffed and gagged, looking up at you with pleading eyes while her spread-open clit is spread to the wall, try it out! If you love the cruel feeling of power you get when you yank your sub around by his nose or cock, get him pierced and go to town! The ideas are limitless, and the evil is only limited by your imagination... *enter maniacal laughter here*...

Begging

Begging is probably a pretty common fetish, although I don't have the numbers to prove it. Even vanilla people do it. In BDSM, begging can add some flavor to an already-hot scene. Many Doms and Dommes find real pleasure in being begged or pleaded with by their sub or slave. It is up to you to decide what type of begging you most enjoy, and how to get your sub to do it.

Begging can have many uses. For the Dom, it is a power trip. It gives him more control over his sub. It can also be highly erotic. For the sub, it can be a lesson: teaching her humility, showing her that her body is not hers and only her Dom has control over how much pleasure and pain she receives, or as a punishment. It can also be a very effective type of humiliation play and emotional humiliation. Of course, it can also be a turn-on.

Do you want your sub to beg? Decide what would turn you on the most. Is her body posture important to you, or just the words? Would you rather her be kneeling before you, lying on the floor with her head down prostrate before you, kneeling between your legs and kissing your feet or your balls, or standing in front of you with her hands crossed demurely and her eyes lowered? Do you want her to be handcuffed? Would you prefer if she is tied to an object or chained to your ankle or wrist?

As for the words, what do you want? Will you be satisfied if she begs once, or are you going to make her repeat the same humiliating phrase 20 times perfectly before she is released? What specifically do you want her to beg for (to orgasm, for sex, to stop hurting her, to spank her again please)? Do you want her to use curse words and vulgarity for added humiliation ("Please fuck my dirty cunt harder, Master. Please let your dirty cumslut cum, Sir.")? Do you want her to call you something specific (Daddy, Sir, Mr. [insert your last name here], Master, Sergeant, My Owner)? Also, do you want lots of pleases and thank yous, or will a simple request be enough?

Your sub can't just guess what you want. Ordering her, "Beg," is not going to tell her what you want. Be specific! "I want you to kneel before me, lick my boot, and repeat 'Please whip your servant, Sir' fifteen times before I will forgive you" is clear and specific; "Beg for me" is not. Read this article, think about what behaviors you want your sub to perform for your pleasure, and communicate that to her clearly. You may want to have different requirements for different situations, so be specific so she knows what you desire.

Do you want to show her that you have control over her body and decisions? Make her beg before she can do something she wants, like have sex, get oral sex, perform a blow job, or receive a spanking. You can require her to ask permission before speaking or moving: "Please, Sir, may I touch your cock? Sir, may I please jack you off? Master, may your servant get up to get you a condom?"

Do you want to teach a proud, headstrong sub humility? Then you have to humilate her! Make her use vulgar language or refer to herself as a dirty name every time she talks. Make her say please and thank you before and after every activity: whether she is receiving pain, performing something on you, or receiving pleasure. Make her assume a humiliating position, such as kneeling in front of you, kissing your foot, lying on the floor in front of you, spreading her legs for you, or kneeling beside you and licking your balls (or ass). Require her to do something for you every time she talks: (Licks your balls/boot/ass), Please don't hit me, Master. (Licks your balls/boot/ass), please, don't hit your dirty cum recepticle, Master. (Licks your balls/boot/ass), I'm a dirty, bad girl, Master; please forgive me."

If your sub is too headstrong to do this, you are probably going to have to fight her on this and train her gradually. You can seriously tell some subs what you want and they will do it. Others will sit back and say, "Ummm...hell no." For these, you have to break their will. Do something they hate, like leaving them tied up (don't leave them unattended, but check in on them regularly, just don't speak to them), ignoring them, beating them, hurting them, or shutting them in a closet. It depends on the sub and what is going to work for them. For example, I don't mind being shut in dark spaces, but I would hate to be tied in a painful position and left until I agreed to beg.

Do you want to use begging as a punishment? Make your sub beg for something she doesn't want. For example, if you are whipping her as a punishment, force her to ask for the spank before each one and thank you for the spank before each one. "Thank you, Mr. Jones. May I have another, please?" You can use many things as a punishment: make her beg to be spanked or hurt, beg to do something you know she doesn't like or finds humiliating (anally fingering you, giving you a blow job, spreading her legs), or beg to be punished and spanked. Even when she hates something, such as a spanking, and is already screaming and crying for you to stop, it can be a powerful mindfuck to force her to beg for the next stroke anyway. It is a wicked mind game, but it is fun for you and will break the sub!

Of course, you can combine these, as well. A fun combination of "punishment" and "humiliation" would be, "Please spank your dirty whore, Mr. Jones. Thank you, sir. Please punish your cumrag, Mr. Jones. Thank you. Please fucking hurt this dumb fuck, Mr. Jones. Thank you." And, to be really evil, you can add in a physical humiliation as well: make her kneel to say it, or make her lie down prostrate, or force her to do some humiliating action like crawling on her hands and knees. She will be crying and miserable by the end!

Some things you can make her beg for: permission to orgasm, to touch you, to service you, to please you, for a collar, for a sex toy, for a favorite activity, for a scene, for more play time, for rougher play, for you to cum, for attention, for the next strike, for the next spank, for you to mark her, for your cock, for you to use her pussy/mouth/ass, to be let out of punishment, to play longer, for forgiveness, for a rape scene, to hurt her, to let her use the restroom, to take off painful clamps, to stop genital torture, the list goes on...

Just in case inspiration still hasn't struck you, here are some good phrases to get those creative juices flowing!

• "Please, Daddy, please let your bad little girl play with the whips."
• "Mistress, will you allow your slave to lick your cum?"
• "Please let me suck your dick, Master. Your slave needs to feel your hard dick in her mouth."
• "May I speak freely, Ma'am?"
• "Please spank me, Daddy. Thank you so much, Daddy."
• "Please let your cuntwhore cum, please, please Master!" "Do you deserve it?" "No, Master, no, I don't deserve it! I'm a bad, bad slut!" "That's right, bitch."
• "Master, may your girl cum for you, please?"
• "Please hit me harder, Sir. Thank you. Please hit me again, sir. Thank you."
• "What do you want right now?" "I need to cum!" "Beg for it."
• "Kneel in front of me, kiss my dick, and beg for forgiveness until I tell you to stop."
• "For every second of my time that you have wasted, you will lie on the floor in front of me, chained to the door, and beg me to take you back. That's 120 seconds. And you'd better call me Mommy every time you do it!"

Resources:

http://fetlife.com

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenbegging

The Art of Phone Sex

Phone sex is a hot and wild way to love your partner from afar. During the course of your relationship there will be times when you can't be together. One of you will be on a business trip, at a conference, or visiting sick relatives. These separations don't prevent your ability to be intimate; in fact, they can be a great exercise in love! The idea may sound hokey or strange to you, but if you quit judging it and give it a try. You could be greatly rewarded!

This being said, what makes for good phone sex? I believe it takes a close partner that is not only willing, but creative. They also have to know your turn on/offs and how to build you up.

In the beginning your partner should build you up slowly. The conversation turns sexy and turns you on. Great! Take full use of this by taking it a step further. Ask questions like, "Does it excite you thinking about this?" or "How do you feel when I do this?" Then follow with questions that make them consider touching themselves. Once they are comfortable with this, tell them to start touching. It doesn't have to be direct stimulation, but start slow with a caress on the tummy or arms. Work your way in to the erogenous zones of the body: shoulders, armpits, thighs, or butt.

Give them boundaries, too! Discipline is a very sexy aspect of phone sex! Instruct you partner on where they are able and not able to explore with their hands. Let them desire this and build up tension inside before you give them permission.

During all this fill their head with images of things you would like to do to them or have them do to you. This is instance where learning how to talk dirty is handy! You will provide tension for the body and the mind. Concentrate on their biggest fantasies, driving them closer and closer to an orgasm. Use repetition and make some noise yourself! You partner could use their own cheering section! Guide them slowly to an orgasm. Let them come and pick them back up again.

Have some time afterward to talk and bond before you hang up the phone. Phone sex is a great way to show someone how much you love them while they are away. It is very rewarding and a great addition to any sexual repertoire.

Some great phrases for phone sex are:

• Yeah, you like when I talk to you like that, don't you?
• You're such a good, sexy little bitch.
• Mmm, grab that cock for me. I want your hard cock in my hand right now.
• Baby girl, you're such a good little slut. You make Daddy happy, you know that?
• Do it harder. Harder!
• Touch yourself slowly. Are you imagining it's me? Tell me what you feel.
• Ask my permission before you come.
• I wish I could hold you down and slap you right now. You sound so turned on!
• Mmm, I love to hear your noises. You're soooo hot right now.
• Imagine spreading my ass cheeks open and jamming that hard dick up my ass.

The point is to be creative and graphic. You can't be there in person, so you have to make up for that in lots of talking and moaning that you wouldn't normally do. It's okay--and better--if you get turned on talking to your partner! The more turned on your voice is, the better it will be for them. Try bringing each other to orgasm together, or separately so you can enjoy the conversation. Try commanding your girl to use a vibrator or dildo on the phone with you. Make her ask permission before she takes off each layer of clothing or touches herself. This is a great way to combine BDSM with phone sex.

Enjoy!

The Art of Seducing a Woman

Whether you're on a first date or have been married 25 years, the art of seducing a woman is important. Sure, you need to do the obvious things like leaving sweet notes, bringing home flowers, giving massages or pampering her with a bubble bath, and writing her love letters. A romantic dinner with wine and candles is a fantastic start. So is wearing her favorite cologne (women respond strongly to smells) and keeping your hair and beard trimmed the way she likes it. But once you have her in the bedroom, have your old tricks gone stale? How do you seduce, not just her body, but her heart?

Once she's in the bedroom, try massaging her in some sexy spots that don't automatically lead to orgasm. The nipples are a good place to start, and can even lead to orgasm. For me, there are several areas men can rub, scratch, or stroke that will eventually get me really aroused, but that they never try. Sometimes a nice, firm butt massage will get me hot and bothered faster than anything. I love having my butt rubbed and squeezed, and my lover doesn't seem to do it enough! Whether you are watching her cook and come up behind her for a nice long feel, or just massage her ass while she lies on top of you making love, it feels great.

Another great area is to start with a hand massage; this will relax her (a back massage will relax her, but also make her sleepy...so I don't recommend it) and get her skin used to your hands. Then slowly spend some time lying in silence, softly stroking up and down her arm with your fingertips and lightly tracing her skin with your nails. First, she will get really relaxed. Then, it will start to tickle and tingle (in a good way!) and she will probably giggle or twitch slightly. Just keep going....slooooowly and softly. Finally, you will notice her breathing start to change and her inner elbows and wrists will get more sensitive. When this happens, she is starting to get aroused.

For women, this is a whole-body arousal, not necessarily sexual or related to the genitals. It is more a warm, tingly feeling of love and happiness that spreads throughout your body, relaxing you and making your nerve endings extra sensitive. This whole-body arousal can be turned in to sexual arousal, if you like, or can just continue for a relaxing, bonding experience that leaves her warm and happy! Eventually, if she gets turned on enough, she will kiss you slowly and sensually and you know you've won! Kiss her back, taking your time and enjoying it, letting her feel your warm breath in her mouth, nuzzling her face and neck softly with your face, and slowly easing yourself on top of her so she can feel your weight pressed against her body. Let things heat up slowly from there; don't rush!


Another great non-sexual way to get this same feeling is by stroking her back. While a full-on back rub will probably make me sleepy, simply having my back stroked often makes me go through a variety of responses: first pleasure, then relaxation, then sleepy, then more relaxed, then tingly, then giggly, then warm, then hyper-aware of the man touching me, and eventually, turned on. Stroking her back, buttocks, arms, palms, armpits (yes, armpits are an erogenous zone! Really!), and hair will all make her feel sleep, relaxed, and sensuous.


More overtly sexual areas, like the breasts, nipples, thighs, and stomach can be turn-ons, but they have both pros and cons. The pro is that it takes less time to get a woman worked up that way. The con is that even though it takes less time, it is less likely to lead to high levels of arousal. For me, really high, long-lasting arousal is only possible if my lover has taken hours of cuddling and stroking to slowly awaken my body non-sexually. These always lead to the best passion!

The point is, be creative and don't ever rush. Take time to enjoy making love, even if it doesn't culminate in sex. Slow down, breathe deeply, and relax. This will seduce your woman's heart.

The Art of Fingering a Woman

Warning: these pictures are not work-safe!



By the time you're an adult, chances are you've fingered a woman. Chances are you've even made one come by fingering. But unless you're consistently making her come with your fingering skills (I mean every time!), you still have some things to learn. Regular orgasms are just as natural to women as to men; getting there just isn't as obvious. And the sad truth is, anybody can make a girl come every once in a while; random rubbing around a sensitive area will do that. Unless she is coming about 98% of the time (I wish!), this article is for you.



William Martin's Hand Jobs for Women gave me some great ideas for this article, and will give you some helpful pointers from a man's point of view, so check out his article, too!

I don't want to be mean, but let's start with a reality check. Most guys seems to feel quite okay with themselves if they can get the woman to come at all. Never mind that they aren't even giving her an orgasm 50% of the time. Society has lied to you, telling you that women don't always come and you are not expected to deliver orgasms. But vibrators have proved society wrong. If women can come 100% of the time with their vibrators (and we can!), then they can come 100% of the time with their partners. Of course you should allow for the same issues that plague men: stress, fatigue, not feeling close to your partner, and illness can make for a no-show orgasm day, but if your lady isn't orgasming about 98% of the time, you've got a lot of work to do. She may not even know she can orgasm that much, but she can. She may tell you she doesn't mind if she doesn't come, and she enjoys it anyway (and this is true), but the truth is, we would prefer if you could give us orgasms consistently. Women have been on the losing end of orgasms for too long, and it is time to fix that. A good rule of thumb is: if she doesn't come, you don't come. That will motivate you to really pleasure your lady. :)


So the sad news is, guys, if you are giving her orgasms occasionally, but without any discernible pattern or regularity... you haven't figured out how to please her yet.


And I can attest personally that, if I go too long without being given an orgasm, I get resentful....grouchy....irritable...and then lose interest in sex. No one wins.


So how do you finger a woman? First, you stop concentrating on the clit and the G-spot so much. These get boring and overly sensitive. You might also want to see my posts, "The Art of Seducing a Woman" and "Giving a Woman an Orgasm...Without Touching Her." They will show you how to turn on a woman the way a woman wants to be turned on, and make your job much easier before you get to the actual fingering.



Of course, your fingernails should be trimmed down short, all rough edges filed away, and your nails and hands should be just-washed with hot, soapy water for 60 seconds! Any hangnails or rough edges should be gone. You don't want to scratch her or let invisible dirt beneath your nails inside her; I've gotten an ovarian cyst that way and it was unimaginably painful. Wash and trim your hands before you ever put your fingers inside your lady!

To begin fingering, start with the mons pubis. This is often called the "Mound," and is the skin at the bottom of her stomach, right before the clitoral hood and vulva are visible. Most men don't realize this, but the mons pubis is one of the most pleasurable places to be touched. Being stroked, massaged, and simply held there will turn me on much better than by trying to tease my thighs and clit, which rather bores me.





Try massaging slowly down, from the top of her pubic hair to the bottom. Then try stroking the area, rubbing her with your fingers, and massaging the skin. Try rubbing at different speeds and intensities to see how she responds. If you get no response, or a slight puckering of the face/frown between the eyebrows, she's getting bored. If she inhales quickly and arches her back, keep doing that again. Once she relaxes, you've done it too much and the area is no longer sensitive: move on to something else, but come back in a few moments to try it again.

Another great trick is to just press your palm firmly into her. Cupping your hand, cup her vulva and mons pubis in your hand. This pressure feels fantastic, and you don't need to do anything; we will probably start to rock against you if it feels good! Once the rocking gets really turned on, you might want to start pushing slightly against her thrusts, meeting her as she thrusts, for some extra sensation for her, but more sensitive ladies will just prefer you cup them firmly without moving.

My favorite place to have my clit stimulated is actually through the mons pubis. It feels wonderful there, right before your fingers leave my mound and touch the clitoral hood! But sadly, this doesn't occur to men. They want to stroke the clit or hood. However, by stroking the lowest, fattiest part of her mound, rolling it between your fingers, and pinching it softly, you are stimulating her clitoris indirectly, and it feels heavenly. You could probably keep doing this to me all day without me ever getting bored.



How do you know when to move on from the mons pubis? When your lady is arching her back in frustration, obviously trying to maneuver her body so your fingers touch her clitoral hood. Once she's done this for a few minutes, you know it's time to move on.



Stroking her clitoral hood will bring many woman to orgasm. You can try circular motions, shaking, vibrating, lightly pinching, and rolling the skin between your fingers. Just keep trying new things and see what she likes. Once again, pay attention to her body language. We're never mean enough to say, "I don't like that, you're boring me," but we can't help our body language. A woman who is biting her lip may be turned on, but she may also be frustrated and getting bored. If the lip-biting is accompanied by a pursued mouth, scrunched forehead, or frown, she's frustrated; this means you either aren't pleasing her yet, or you just did something that felt fantastic and then moved on too quickly. If she seems to be concentrating or frowning, she is getting less turned on, and you should ask her what feels good or ask her to show you. If she doesn't get too embarrassed, have her show you herself what feels good (but I find this too embarrassing and don't like it, so don't force them!).



Below the clitoral hood are the labia majora and labia minora. Her outer lips will be sensitive to stroking, massaging, light pinching, and rolling between your fingers. Her inner lips will become more erect as she gets turned on, and slightly moist as she gets wet. Try stroking them, first up-to-down, and then later try down-to-up, but never both together or you just get repetitive. Try rolling the inner lips between your fingers or tugging on them lightly. And possible the most sexy thing you can do is take your fingers and spread them apart. This is the universal signal for "I'm about to enter you" and it will excite your lover immensely!! If she loves it, gently place her lips back in place and do it again...and again... and again. Eventually she will be thrusting against you in impatience, longing to feel you inside her.



You can try spreading her lips apart with your thumb and middle finger, then slowly inserting your index finger. Or try holding her lips apart with one hand while you slowly insert a finger of the other hand. Few things feel more vulnerable and sexy than having your lips held open as someone enters you, whether it is with a finger, toy, mouth, or cock. Remember this move and do it often!



If you want to go inside her vagina, do it slowly. You can tell she's ready when she is thrusting against you. Make her go slowly; gently press one palm flat against her stomach so she quits thrusting as you enter her slowly. It is best not to plunge straight in, but enter gradually; slowly trace circles around her vaginal opening, eventually slipping the circles gently inside her. This is an incredibly sensitive area, and having a finger tracing gentle circles just inside your vagina feels fantastic. Don't rush inside to the G-spot, enjoy the sensations you're giving her right here, at the opening and just inside the vagina!



Reading her body language and thrusting to gauge when she wants you to enter further, slowly inch inside her, feeling her every inch of the way. The entire vaginal wall in the first several inches is filled with nerve endings and will feel pleasure from being touched, stroked, rubbed, and vibrated. If you feel her G-spot, rub it softly and see how she responds.



Websites will tell you the back 1/3 of the vagina has barely any nerve endings, and this is true, but that doesn't mean you should ignore it! The first 2/3 is more sensitive to touch; the back 1/3 is more sensitive to pressure! Press firmly and stroke her walls; see how she responds. I love to have firm, strong strokes and lots of pressure inside me. If your fingers are long enough to touch her cervix, try feeling it and thrusting against it. If they're not, use a toy or put her on her back with her knees held to her chest to shorten the vaginal canal. Many women aren't even aware this type of orgasm exists, but women can have a very strong, emotional uterine orgasm from having their vagina, cervix, and uterus (indirectly through the cervix) forcefully thrusted against.

When you are ready to go out, slide out slowly; the feeling around the inner vaginal entrance is sublime as things slip in and out. Try this several times, hitting her with your knuckles, if she likes it.

If she likes finger fucking or pain, once she is hot and ready is the time to start screwing her hard with your hand. It will probably hurt, both from your finger jamming into her vaginal wall and from your knuckles and fist slamming into her vulva; she will be bruised later. But if she is into this kind of BDSM, she may really like it: she either gets off from the pain, or gets off on being punished or used by you! The idea that my Dom wants to hurt me and be cruel to me is very exciting and sexy!



Moving on down, once you are done with the lips and vagina, you are left with the perineum. This muscley area between the vulva and anus is actually sensitive to touch, stroking, and firm pressure just like a man's is. Try pressing a finger or bent knuckle firmly into her skin, or try giving her perineum pressure with one finger or hand as you stimulate her vagina with the other.



Hopefully you realize that fingering is more than just turning her on and stimulating her clit and G-spot. Many men don't. Think of fingering her vulva as going to a buffet---you have an endless and varied list of delicacies to try, so don't just pick two and stick with it. A woman's vulva is a unique, interconnected mass of nerve endings and pleasure, much more complex than a man's penis, so it is okay to feel confused. Just experiment with different strokes, pressures, and touches, and if something works, remember it for next time but don't stay on any one thing for too long. Before long, you will be an orgasm-giving machine!

Good luck.

Giving a Woman an Orgasm... Without Touching Her

One of the great arts of being a man in a relationship with a woman is being able to bring her to orgasm without touching her. Women are amazing, delicate creatures who can be brought to orgasm again and again with little or no touching. If you can master this technique--and not just once but again and again--you will be a true lover's artist.

A great place to start is the nipples. Most women will get aroused from having their nipples touched. If they don't, you are probably doing it incorrectly--too hard, too fast, not enough variation, too much sucking, not enough subtlety, too boring. Men sometimes want to treat breasts and vulvas as though they were a penis, and this never works.

Some women, if you massage their nipples correctly, can orgasm and ejaculate simply from having their nipples touched! Sadly, it's been over a year since anyone has been able to do that to me.... :( but it's possible. The trick is to work slowly and gently, using circular motions with your thumbs. You want to use your hands more than your mouth, and your thumbs more than your fingers. But of course, you want to use a little bit of all three to change it up.

My advice is to slowly and tenderly turn her on by stroking her breasts and teasing the nipples. When you get her really turned on, arching her back for you to touch her nipples, start lightly brushing past them, almost by accident. She will start moaning and arching her back more. Eventually, you can slowly start working her nipples. I've found it best to use thumbs in a circular motion, with some light sucking, pinching, and rolling between your fingers every once in a while--but only for a brief second before you return to circles (one lick or suck, then go back to thumbs!).

Nipples will eventually get sore, so about every 5 minutes, switch breasts. This keeps the breasts highly sensitive to your touch; she will be longing for you to touch the other long before you actually do. Eventually, the sensations in her nipples will make her clit tight. You are on the right path!

A woman who's enjoying the sensuality of a wonderful nipple massage will be relaxed, almost fluid, and completely calm, lost in the sensations you're giving her. A woman who is trying to enjoy it, but you are doing too much or too little, will show signs of losing her dazed relaxation: she may frown a tiny frown, twitch or flutter slightly, purse her lips, scrunch her face, bite her lip, sigh slightly, or try to maneuver her breasts under you for better access. These are not the signs of a turned on woman, but one who is trying to get lost in the wonderful, dazed relaxation of a nipple massage but is being brought back to reality by nagging gaps in technique.

So watch her, and be aware of her reaction. When you have a woman who is lying, sublime and relaxed on her back, eyes closed, deep, even breathing, looking peacefully asleep and slightly dreamlike, you are doing the right thing.

If your woman is where you want her, congratulations. Even seeming half-asleep and dreamy, she is still aware of you and your reactions. You are playing an important part in turning her on! Make sure that you match her dreamy state: move slowly and fluidly, with no sudden, jerky movements. Keep your breathing deep and slow; this will relax her even more. Touch her lightly and softly. Don't talk much or make many noises; when you do talk, it should be low and seductive, speaking to her in a calm, soothing voice. Take this time to enjoy your spouse, keeping your breathing deep and even so she can hear it, enjoying her relaxed body being sensuously aroused beneath your loving hands.

Keep gently massaging her nipples. Eventually, try massaging both at the same time, or suckling one while massaging the other. The key here is suckling, not sucking. Suckling means you are making tiny breastfeeding motions with your tongue and mouth, like a baby. It is faster, lighter, and more rthymic than your average grown male sucking on nipples, which actually doesn't feel that great. Fast and light does the trick!

Eventually, if you do this right and give her small two-second breaks to kiss her stomach, cup her breasts, or roll her nipples gently between your thumb and forefinger, you will get her clit really tight. If you go long enough, she can orgasm and ejaculate multiple times as you keep teasing her body into ecstasy. The trick is to give her no clitoral or vaginal stimulation at all; nipple teasing is so light and slow that touching her with your hand or pushing your leg up into her vulva will be too firm and ruin all your hard, slow work.

If she can't orgasm from nipples alone, you have at least spent a good hour or two making her clit aching and tight. Now you can put your hand between her legs and skim above her vaginal opening and clit. Don't actually touch her. You want to make her think you are going to stroke her, and stroke an imaginary line about a quarter of a centimeter away from her body. Her sensitive vulva will be able to feel the heat and air from your finger. Keep slowly "stroking" her without touching her, making long, straight, slow lines upwards from the base of the vaginal opening to the top of the clit. Don't stroke both ways, or you will give her too much sensation; stick with bottom-to-top stroking. If she comes, great!

Your next step is to give her a short break. You want this to be between 2 and 4 seconds, but not longer. This lets the anticipation build, without waiting too long and killing the mood. Take your hand out of her underwear, then slowly start the whole process again. You will be able to tell if you're turning her on. Start the imaginary strokes again. Do 1-4, depending on whether or not she's coming and how much she likes it, and then remove your hand to give her a short break.

For me, the most sexy part that gets me closest to coming is the anticpation of the hand going inside my underwear and passing my mons pubis. So if this doesn't make me come, it is best to stick to one imaginary stroke, then back up and try again. Once you make me come, you can do 3 or four strokes to let me enjoy it before going back up and entering again. But often, for me, the action that gets me closest to coming is when I know my lover is about to reach his hand down my legs, not the actual rubbing of my clit or G-spot. It is the anticipation that works, not the fulfillment, so keep reaching down between her legs again and again, slow and steady, until she is fully aroused and aching.

If you do not bring her to orgasm without touch the first time, you will have still spent a very pleasurable few hours bonding... so this is always time well spent. And if you do, and can learn to repeat this strategy effectively, you will be her own personal hero, a king bearing gifts of relaxation and love, a lover slowly teasing her to the brink of orgasm.

And that can never be a bad thing.

Lubricants

Did you know some lubes are dangerous for your health, can cause yeast infections, and can cause condoms to break? So how do you know which ones to use?

First, there are two types of lube you should never buy: anal desensitizing lube, and lubes with Nonoxynol-9 (N-9). There are many sex toy stores that sell these lubes, and you should never purchase from these stores. Anal desensitizing lube can cause real internal damage by numbing you to pain intended to warn you something is wrong. Lubes with N-9 claim to help prevent against pregnancy and HIV, but actually increase the risk of HIV and STDS by creating tiny tears and abrasions inside the vagina and anus. Some good stores that don't sell these lubes and care about their customer's health are Babeland and Good Vibrations.

There are three main types of lubricants: water-based, oil-based, and silicone-based.

Water-based lubes are thinner, safe for your body, and easy to clean afterwards. They are safe to use with condoms and other latex products, as well as with sex toys. Sometimes, however, they can be too thin and dry out too soon for anal play.

Oil-based lubes aren't safe to use with condoms or latex. Oils can also disrupt the amount of healthy bacteria in the vagina, causing infections.

Silicone-based lubes feel more like oil, but are safer for your body. You can use them safely internally, and they tend to be thicker and longer-lasting, so better for anal play. You can't use them with your silicone sex toys, though, or the chemicals will react and melt your toy! Also, these can be harder to wash out afterwards.

Sweet or flavored lubes often have their fruity, sweet taste because they contain glycerin. This sugary lube can cause yeast infections in some women, since sugar disrupts the balance of healthy vaginal yeast. So women, be wary of sweet-tasting or fruity lubes!

Also, "do-it-yourself" lubricants are usually not a good idea; stick to water- or silicone-based lubricants from a store. Crisco, baby oil, hemorroid cream, vaseline, and other over-the-counter oils may seem like a good idea because they feel slick, but the oil inside will cause your condoms to fail, and can cause infections when used vaginally. They are also really hard to clean out afterward. Spit dries out too fast and leaves your skin even drier than before.

If you self-lubricate a lot during vaginal intercourse; congratulations! Stick with a thick lube (like Maximus) for anal and you will be set. If you need vaginal lubrication, too, you might want to buy a thinner lube as well, or consider buying a lube sampler from Babeland.

Be safe!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

My Dom, my friend C., and I had a little online discussion about what we like and don't like about BDSM, how it has improved our relationship and communication as a whole, and our favorite activities to try! So sit back, grab a cup of tea, and enjoy an online chat among friends!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

1) When did you first get interested in BDSM?

• C: I first got interested in it when I was 15 and my boyfriend at the time admitted he was into it and I thought it sounded awesome, so I wanted to try it.
• Sub: I think I was always into it, but didn't realize it! Around 15 I started having fantasies about being raped. I wondered if I was normal. I have always been very turned on by being held down or pushed against a wall. When I was 19 I finally dated a man who had rape fantasies as well, and we "played rough" with rape, bondage, knives, and struggle. After that I was hooked, and began "converting" boys I dated, or else I just got bored with the sex. But I didn't realize there was a community of people like me, or that it had a name, until earlier this year (I'm 24).
• Dom: I first became interested in BDSM very recently. I was 27 and it was discovered with my current relationship. I realized something about myself. I began to understand it was something I wanted to experience.

2) How was it first incorporated into your current relationship?

• Dom: Both of us showed tendencies from the beginning. My sub is a biter and I love to restrain and be powerful. Our tastes played off each other and eventually we have our current situation. We started restraining, choking, biting, and slapping. Then the communication picked up. We shared openly about fantasies and what we were into. I learned not to judge something until it was tested, attempted, or tried. Now having done BDSM, I enjoy the love, communication, and trust that come with it. It is exciting, special, and can be healing. All are good things to introduce into a relationship.
• Sub: I agree. Hehe, he is right; I am a biter! :) With us, there were signs from the beginning. The first time we made out, he pushed me up against the door and I got turned on. He liked that it turned me on. The next time, he swept me off my feet, carried me to his backyard, and put me on the picnic table. Gradually our making out just got rougher and more passionate from there. Eventually I admitted my rape fantasies and asked him about his. He was freaked out at first, and then realized how much it turned him on. Slowly I started asking him to call me names and talk dirty. And then once he just slapped me! We were both so turned on. We realized we were on to something, and thank goodness we were both into it! :)
• C: It was incorporated very slowly and gradually because I was afraid he wouldn't be into it. I started being generally "rougher" with him in the bedroom then when I saw he was into it I suggested maybe he would like to treat me roughly. Once I felt we were completely comfortable with that, I waited 'til we were having sex the next time and told him to spank me, then harder and harder. After that he wanted to talk about the spanking and it naturally led to admitting I was into other BDSM activities, and he wanted to try them all.

3) How do you think BDSM has improved your communication with your partner?

• C: I feel that because sex and fetishes are probably one of the most intimate things you can share with someone, it makes other things a lot easier to talk about. It has definately made him more willing to actually express his own opinion aswell rather than saying things just to make me happy.
• Sub: I totally agree. If I can admit to my Dom that I want him to rape me, hit me while he comes, use me, insult me, and call me a bitch---well, that is pretty personal! So I know I can tell him anything. It really opened us up and helped us talk a lot about what we are okay with and what we are not sure about, without feeling judged.
• Dom: It has improved communication by causing us to be open and honest about that which is usually kept under wraps--fantasies. Most people wouldn't admit to their desire to try a rape fantasy. Most wouldn't volunteer they enjoy humiliation, because the judgment they would receive from their partners. They avoid these talks and are scared of the answer they might get. The scenes are also a great place to see how communication has improved. As the Dom, I have to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal means of communication. I have to make sure she is comfortable and taken care off. Even if she is unable to communicate this effectively. I don't believe my senses would be as keen as they are now without the care and practice BDSM offers.

4) How has it improved your sex life?

• C: Well, it means I get exactly what I want instead of enduring painful minutes of monotony.
• Sub: No joke! It has made us able to try anything. And be able to talk about anything.
• Dom: It has opened up so many ways to express sexual feelings and thoughts in a good way. We have a place to express ourselves sexually and emotionally most are too scared to visit. We can be anything there and as dirty as we want without fearing judgment (provided we don't push a hard limit).

5) What else has BDSM improved about your relationship? How?

• Dom: The emotional awareness is heightened for me. I have to pay close attention to my sub's body language, tone, and words during a scene. I do the same thing outside the bedroom. It has also created trust and love, because we know each others deepest fantasies. I think it gives her a place to be healed of past sexual trauma. It is a way to revisit the past with someone she loves and trusts. She can feel empowered over some of the events that made her feel helpless.
• Sub: Absolutely; I agree. I am slowly getting the guidance and leadership and dominance I need from a man, in a safe and structured way, rather than the abusive ways of the past. I can release "unhealthy" sexual needs from past abuse in a healthy way now.
• C: It makes us more relaxed around each other and it gives us ways to flirt with each other when we're not together, because he can always send me a text or message me on msn telling me of something new he has thought to do to me.

6) Are there any ways BDSM has made your relationship more difficult? How?

• C: I suppose it can be frustrating when he won't take things as far as I want them to be taken, then I can sulk with him a bit and sometimes cause arguments. But only very rarely.
• Sub: I'm the same way. Once I needed to be dominated but the mood just wasn't right. Lots of times our scenes aren't as intense or mean or painful as I want them to be. Then I get frustrated and moody and lose interest in sex for a while. I get grouchy at my Dom. Also, in BDSM you risk going too far and actually hurting someone's feelings, or being dominating when the mood isn't right and I don't feel like being dominated. Then I just get pissed off! :) He did this once and I got a huge attitude. We had to talk it out.
• Dom: I don't think it's made our relationship more difficult. I have hurt her once by talking dirty after she was ready to stop.

7) Do you think you know your partner better or worse since starting BDSM?

• C: I definitely think I know him better.
• Sub: Me, too. I know his secret desires so much better now, and it is something only we share, so it brings us closer in all areas. I feel close to him in a group of people because we have this bond with each other they don't know about.
• Dom: I think I know her better since starting BDSM. I feel like we are closer and have built a huge amount of trust! I love her so much and we communicate not only fantasies, but our feelings. I know that I can have a bad day and cry with her or share the greatest joy and be happy.

8) What are some of his/her favorite activities or fetishes?

• Dom: I know some of her favorite activities are biting, dirty talk, humiliation, she enjoys a good slap, being restrained, rape scenes, and hair pulling. This isn't an exhaustive list, but a good start.
• Sub: *giggles* He's right. For him, he likes the feeling of power and control. He likes to slap me and watch my shocked expression, hold me down, and hurt me. They make him feel powerful!
• C: He likes commanding me and telling me what to do, and he's also interested in filming us.

9) What is your favorite thing to do for your sub/Dom that you know brings pleasure?

• C: Doing exactly what he says.
• Sub: Haha, not me! He has to really work to dominate me to the point I will do exactly what he says without me resenting him. But I do reeeeally like giving him multiple orgasms. I like to sit between his legs facing him as I work his cock; this way, I can see his face and share the experience with him, and it is less painful for my wrists. In this position, I can do lots of fun things to his perineum and testicles, which makes him orgasm so many times without ejaculting! I love it; twice the fun and no mess!
• Dom: I love to go down on her and taste her. It is the best when she cums in my mouth. :) I also love to talk dirty to her for hours and hours! She gets so wound up and excited. I do, too! It makes me look forward to the first available private moment.

10) What is your favorite fetish to have done for you?

• Dom: I my favorite thing is when she struggles. It's totally dirty, but I love a good struggle and then to watch her give in. It's sooooo hot! Getting sweaty while wrestling and giving her a few good, firm slaps to the face is amazing.
• C: Spanking, dirty talking, general forcefulness.
• Sub: For me, probably talking really, really, really dirty and calling me terrible names! It makes me so hot. I also adore it when he talks dirty to me for hours, getting me all wound up, and then he can make me ejaculte multiple times. It is the best feeling in the world to come 7 or 8 times. It is rare to get me that worked up, but I LOVE it when he can!

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Simple and Sexy Aphrodisiacal Recipes

After researching which aphrodisiacs are really sexuality-enhancing foods, I thought a subsequent post on simple aphrodisiacal recipes would be a great idea for subs wanting to surprise and please their Doms (or, Doms wanting to thank and appreciate their subs!).

All the following are tried-and-true recipes, either originals by me or trusted hand-me-downs from friends and family. I have tried and love each of these, except for the veggie sautee because I hate spicy peppers. I love to cook, and hope you will enjoy these, too!

Champagne and Strawberries
Simple, elegant, and classy.
You need: champagne, fresh strawberries (washed), powdered sugar

• Fill two stemmed glasses 1/3 full with chilled champagne.
• On a plate, arrange the chilled berries around a small bowl of powdered sugar
• Take a strawberry, dip into sugar, dip into champagne, and eat
• With your lover, take turns feeding each other and looking into each other's eyes

Salade de Fruits
This salad is not only sweet and healthy, but uses aphrodisiacal foods (either thought to release sex-friendly chemicals, or fruits with vibrant colors and sweet, ripe, juicy centers).
You need: 2 bananas, 3 kiwis, 1 green apple, 1 carton fresh strawberries, 1 carton fresh raspberries, 1 carton fresh blueberries, 1 peach, 4 clementines (or 2 oranges), 1/2 fresh pineapple

• Chop fruits into bite-sized pieces
• Mix gently to combine colors, taking care not to mash the fresh fruit
• Display in large, chilled bowl and serve cold, with fondu sticks or forks

Fruit Salad Dip
A magnificent complement to any fruit salad, I've also found this dip to be absolutely divine for licking from a lover's finger, stomach, thigh, or nipple...
You need: 12-oz package cream cheese (chilled, not low-fat), 12-oz jar marshmellow cream, ginger, lemon or orange juice, cherry syrup (optional), red food coloring (optional)

• In large mixing bowl, combine chilled cream cheese and marshmellow cream, mashing with fork until smooth and well blended. If lumpy, chill again and re-beat with fork
• Add a splash of citrus juice for extra creaminess and a slight citrus smell
• sprinkle ginger on top and stir in
• for pink dip, add 1 T cherry syrup and red food coloring, as needed; stir
• Serve cold, with fruit of choice

Fondu de chocolat
The quintessential romantic dish, this is easy to make in a microwave or on the stove-top.
You need: 1 bag semi-sweet milk chocolate chips, 1 T peanut butter, 1 T butter, 2 T milk

• In large saucepan or microwavable dish, melt chocolate chips, stirring often
• When halfway melted, add peanut butter, butter, and milk. Continue heating, stirring often to avoid sticking
• Pour into warmed bowl; keep warm to avoid solidifying.
• Serve with assorted fruits, breads, cakes, brownies, graham crackers, marshmellows, and other bite-sized sweets for dipping

Moules au La Rochelle (French-style Mussles)
A wonderful main dish or appetizer I first tried on the French seaside of La Rochelle, these shellfish will get your blood pumping.
You need: 1 lb. mussles, 1 c cream or milk, 1/2 c butter, 1 T freshly chopped parsley, 1/4 cup sliced onions, salt and pepper

• Rinse mussles. Put in large saucepan over medium heat, without water. Heat until shells open.
• Add all other ingredients except parsley. Heat til melted, stirring mussles into mixture
• Transfer mussles and sauce to two separate bowls.
• Garnish with parsley. Serve warm.

Sauteed Veggies and Rice
This spicy dish will get your loved one's heart racing and circulation pumping!
You need: white onion, garlic cloves, unshelled baby peas, red, yellow, and green chili peppers, cucumber, eggplant, squash/zuccini, plump tomato, mushrooms, other veggies to taste; 1 can salted cashews, salt and pepper; 2 c dry rice.

• Add butter to large saucepan and melt.
• When hot, add chopped veggies. Stir well.
• Add salt and pepper to taste. Pour in cashews. Continue stirring.
• Heat water and make rice according to package instructions.
• Fluff finished rice with a fork. Pour onto 2 plates.
• Top with sauteed veggie mix. Serve warm.

Homemade Sangria
If champagne is not your thing, this lightly alcoholic drink will add a fruity, fun flavor to your private party for two!
You need: 1 bottle red Reunite wine, 2 cans Five Alive frozen fruit juice (or other frozen mixed fruit punch drink), 1 bottle club soda, 1 lemon, 1lime, 1 orange.

• in large pitcher, combine wine, frozen juice, and 3/4 bottle club soda. Stir well.
• Slice fruits and add to pitcher; stir.
• Serve, chilled, in 2 stemmed glasses (with ice if preferred)

Sex in the Kitchen

No, I don't mean doing it against the refrigerator. I mean aphrodisiacs, that group of famous foods that are so lauded and celebrated for their supposed sexuality-enhancing powers. But what are aphrodisiacs, and do they really work?

The answer is, sadly, no. No, most "aphrodisiacs" don't actually work. Apparently our ancient ancestors believed the banana, carrot, cucumber, asparagus, figs, and oyster would increase sex drive simply because they looked like sex organs. (I don't really understand the oyster similarity myself, and I think I am slightly offended by the suggestion that the female vulva looks like nothing but a pile of sticky, gooey flesh.) They also thought eating the testicles of "virile" animals such as bulls and goats would produce the same effect, but hey, try it if you want to!

The good news if, some so-called aphrodisiacs actually do work. Not, as some of you may assume, because they look like dicks and pussies, but because they happen to contain some chemicals (dopamine that makes us happy), hormones (testosterone or estrogen that makes us horny), inhibitors (alcohol that makes us more likely to say yes), or scents (pumpkin, licorice, or lavender that increases blood flow to the genitals) that make us hornier, happier, or just more likely to say, "Heck yeah!"

So what foods might get you and your honey's blood pumping? Read on...

• Fruits: bananas are high in zinc, which get men's blood pumping, and papayas contain estrogen, which can help increase female libido
• Veggies: asparagus has vitamin E, which helps produce sex hormones. The scent of cucumbers, according to one study, increases vaginal blood flow in women (I'm not sure if this would work for women like me, who don't like the taste of cucumbers?). And chili peppers and other spicy foods have a dual effect: first, they hike up circulation, sweating, and heart rate to get blood pumping more forcefully; second, they release capscaicin, which relieves pain and releases the "happy chemicals" endorphins.
• Proteins: I can't really call this category "meats" since the only two contestants are caviar and shellfish. Yes, you heard right, the famous oysters are actually aphrodisiacs! Well, sort of. If you stretch it a bit. Okay, so caviar (fish eggs) and oysters are both high in zinc, which is important in the production of testosterone. Testosterone makes the sex drive higher in both men and women.
• Alcohols: Well, the truth is, any alcohol (in small quantites) will boost confidence and decrease inhibitions. Champagne is considered the most "romantic" drink, and a small amount will make you feel relaxed and warm. Many people get a lot hornier when they drink alcohol (I do!). But be careful, because if you drink too much, you go past the horny phrase straight into the drowsy stage. Zzzzz.....
• What? Oh, yeah, desserts. Happily, chocolate makes the list! Not only is it romantic and sweet, but chocolate makes people happy. Its chemicals stimulate us, give us a slight high, makes us feel happy, and relaxe us.

Want some sexy and simple recipes to create a hot, sex-friendly meal? Read my post, Simple and Sexy Aphrodisiac Recipes.

Of course, there are many non-food aphrodisiacs as well.

One is scent. Anyone with an acute sense of smell can tell you how much scent is a turn-on or turn-off. I am super sensitive to smells, and a really, really good cologne worn by a stranger on the street can make me instantly horny. Unfortunately, I've only found about four scents in the world that do that to me, and I have no idea what their names are. :( Thus far I have managed to avoid jumping and raping any of these strange men. Also, pumpkin and lavender are supposed to turn men on, and licorice and cucumber supposedly turn women on (I doubt this would work for me, as I detest licorice, cucumber, and lavender!)

Another is exercise. Or watching scary movies. Or wrestling. Or a tickling war. Or a good, long, stressful, all-out-yelling fight. Or having an adrenaline rush (from excitement or fear).

Are you getting the point? Anything that gets your heart rate up, blood pumping, and adrenaline coursing can be turned into heated arousal, because the physical characteristics are so similar. This is why dating magazines advise you to try watching a scary movie with your girlfriend or have a good, long wrestling match. This is why people have incredibly hot, wild make-up sex after huge fights. If you can get blood pumping, it's a good thing. While I don't recommend you set the mood by watching a blood-n-guts thriller or jumping out and scaring your partner (this gives me panic attacks and frankly just ticks me off), some wrestling, jogging, boxing, or other exercise might not be a bad idea. Or, just pick a fight. Whatever.

Another, and the most powerful, aphrodisiac is the brain. That's right, this is where we set the mood and send the signals to your body to let it know, "It's time." The power of thought is the reason some foods, which in fact do little or nothing for your sex drive, appear to increase it anyway. This is why a man who's been watching his partner's butt all night is horny, and why a woman who's been reading a romance novel wants to hop in bed. Your mind is your most powerful aphrodisiac! There are a multitude of ways to stimulate the mind to make your partner horny: talking dirty, writing a love letter, watching sexy movies together, writing erotica for them detailing what you want to do to them in great detail, talking about your fantasies, teasing each other, and setting the stage with lights, music, candles, perfume, romantic foods, soft fabrics, and sexy lingerie.

Life is an aphrodisiac. Get busy.

Resources:

http://homecooking.about.com/od/holidayandpartyrecipes/a/aphrodisiacs.htm

http://ca.lifestyle.yahoo.com/family-relationships/articles/sex/rogers-chatelaine/food-top_5_aphrodisiac_foods

http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/aphrodisiacs/foods.html

http://health.howstuffworks.com/aphrodisiac.htm

Using Food During Sex

Food is often considered a sexy, kinky addition to sex. While there is nothing wrong with this, using food the wrong way can be dangerous. Here's our guide on when and how to use food in the bedroom.

A good general rule for sex is: No insertion! This makes some people sad, as some people have an obsession with finding kinky foods to stick up places it shouldn't go. Common examples are phallic objects like bananas and cucumbers; ginger for "figging"; or irritants like alcohol, wasabi, hot sauce, pepper sauce, and other spicy/stingy foods for pain play.

The problem with inserting food into a vagina, anus, or penis is that these are all mucous membranes. This means they are highly sensitive and absorb chemicals quickly. It is also nearly impossible to get all the food remnants out later, no matter how well you wash. Somewhere warm and moist like a vagina will find any molecules of food left over and harmful bacteria will begin to grow, making you incredibly sick. And water often just spreads the food around.

Sugar is a favorite kinky food (fruits, dips, desserts, champagne, and other sweets!), but it particularly dangerous. The natural, healthy bacteria inside a vagina will feed off the sugar and grow exponentially, resulting in painful yeast infections, urinary tract infections, or bladder infections. Not only are all these illnesses incredibly painful, but they require professional medical treatment, medication, and weeks of pain and no sex to heal.

If you want to use food up your read end, generally the more natural a product is, the less it can hurt you. So processed or man-made foods are out (like alcohol). Natural foods like peppers or ginger can be used, but be warned--the linings of the anus are delicate and will absorb the chemicals fast! In other words, it will hurt. :) Also, you can damage, tear, or inflame the tissue, causing rectal bleeding after sex or when you poop. Sometimes you can cause a rash or deaden the nerve endings. Just be cautious about inserting anything into your body other than a clean, washed body part or sex toy.

But cheer up: this doesn't mean food play is out. You can use food all over the body for foreplay, as long as you take care not to get it in the blody! Edible syrup, chocolte syrup, and sweet fruits can be safely used on the stomach, breasts, legs, and buttocks--anywhere covered with skin, with no openings into the body. Also, you can generally lick food off the outside of your genitals, so long as you avoid getting it inside.

If sex just doesn't seem as like "sex" without some sort of insertion, try pairing food in one spot with insertion in another. You can lick syrup off nipples while holding a vibrator inside your lover or stimulating her clit and G-spot with one hand. Or have her lie face-down or kneel doggie-style and sensually nibble fruit off her back while giving her some light anal fingering with the other hand.

Some sexy ideas: strawberries and champagne, a selection of sweet fruits to feed each other, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, fruit dip (one of my favorites!), or chocolate fondue. Take turns dipping fruit into the fondu or chilled dip, then feeding each other and trailing the food across the other's skin, then licking it off. And a tip about licking: it feels better when you keep it small and light, touching the body with only a small part of your tongue (such as the tip). Lots of slobber or a full, large lick isn't sexy.

In my experience, honey and ice cream can get sticky, so put a tarp under you and head to the shower after play. Anything with sugar in it (including fruits, which have natural sugars) gets sticky, so a tarp or old sheet is a must. It is probably a good idea to keep a damp towel close by so you can wipe your hands when you are done.

Happy eating!

Sources:
http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/Figging.htm
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080126161531AA9sBOy