Can You Be a Feminist Submissive?

At the core, a feminist is someone--whether male or female--who believes females are equal to men in value and worth and should have the right to make their own decisions. It all comes down to choice.


First off, being "equal" to men doesn't mean we're the same. It obviously doesn't mean men can bear and breastfeed children or that women's bodies are designed to hunt. Men generally have more muscle mass and are taller and heavier. Their brains work differently, and they have different hormonal patterns.


But if you believe women can be just as smart and useful and helpful as men, you're a feminist. God designed us perfectly so men and women can complement each other in their lifestyles.

If you are a female submissive, you may struggle with aligning the cultural ideals for womanhood and femininity with your definition of "feminist."


Being a feminist all comes down to choice. It means letting a woman choose what she wants to do. If she wants to be a high-powered CEO, great. If she prefers to stay home and sew and cook, great. We feminists fall all along that spectrum. You can find us cooking, shopping, working, canoeing, hunting, knitting, watching tv, or being soldiers.

The true feminist chooses what she wants for her life. Did you look at your array of options and decide that one of your identities is to be a submissive? Good for you for knowing what you want! You are still a feminist.

I sometimes struggle with being a "feminist" and submissive. The cultural idea of a feminist is someone who thinks women should be bossy and act like men. But that isn't true. I enjoy dressing up in a nice dress and getting my hair and makeup done, but I also like hanging out in my PJs and wearing jeans and a t-shirt.


I thought a lot about the great questions, What do you want to be when you grow up? My parents gave me lots of great ideas based on what they saw as my strengths and abilities. Some of the things I considered were:

• a writer, because I love to write novels and am very expressive



• a singer/actress, because I have a great voice



• a lawyer, because I'm analytical, have a heart for social justice, and am good at manipulating words



• a teacher, because I enjoy learning new things and sharing that knowledge



• a counselor, because I'm nurturing and good at reading people



• an interpreter, because I love thinking fast on my feet and using languages



• a textbook editor, because I adore grammar rules



• a housewife, because I like having lots of free time to pursue my hobbies



• a bookstore owner, because I love to read



• a restaurant owner, because I have a great menu in my head already

On the other hand, I never considered being a vet, even though I love animals, because blood makes me sick and I cry when animals are hurt or dying. I never considered being in the military, even when they asked me to, because I'm not good at taking orders that I don't agree with and I value independence over uniformity.

My mother, who is the classic feminist you think of when you hear the word, would be pretty appalled if she knew I identified as a submissive. Changing from a radical, "I'm equal to you!" feminist to a submissive feminist is something that took me some time.

First, I realized I didn't want a man who was passive like my father. My dad is great and loved us, but he was not able to protect his children from abusive situations because he valued keeping the peace too much. Also, I saw how much my mother resented him because she had to do all the work of making decisions about money, kids, vacations, planning dates, and getting things done. Even though she wanted the control, she resented the pressure it put on her year after year when my dad just handed over the reins without a complaint.

Second, I realized that I wanted to be able to respect and love a man. I dated many nice, passive boys whom I loved, but the love and passion always died because I couldn't respect them. I didn't respect them because they did not insist on respect from women or other men.

As my ideal mate for myself started to morph into a different idea than my parents had, slowly, I started realizing that I might have to make some changes in my lifestyle. I couldn't insist on having all the control and power in a relationship and still get what I wanted in a mate.

Eventually, I read the book Liberated Through Submission at the advice of a Christian friend. Although this book is about Christian principles of marriage rather than D/s, it made me see myself differently. I started to realize that maybe I should give up some control in order to get the safety and protection I wanted from a man. I also, for the first time, was forced to understand that if I were going to live my life by Biblical principles, I couldn't just ignore these few unpopular verses like many Christians today do. I would have to change my life to conform to the Bible. Also, this book introduced me to Biblical commands I'd never heard preached or talked about in today's pro-feminist society. And last, this book made me long to have the strong leader in my household that the author had in her husband.

I will add, of course, that my mother's friends saw me reading this book and were appalled. But I kept reading, because I didn't want their marriages. Sure, they are happy and in love and have great husbands, but they always have to be The Boss. They can never lose it and cry on their husbands' laps and have their husbands hold them and reassure them and take care of the problem for them. That's fine for them if that's what they want (Feminism = Choice!), but it wasn't what I wanted.

Also, it's been years since I read that book, and I still do not follow those Biblical verses perfectly. I am far from the perfect model of Biblical submission in a marriage. But I am much, much closer!

Eventually, I started dating stronger men. I went too far and dated an abusive jerk. He was not a feminist. He did not think I should have a say in my own life and desires and career. He did not respect my right to choice. After that ended, I had learned a valuable lesson: I needed a man who would respect me and my brain, even while protecting and leading me.

Finally, I met my (future) husband and ended up here: a feminist who chooses to be a submissive because she has found a good, godly Christian man who is also a feminist. Yes, my Dom believes that women have the right to choose their own paths. But for us, based on the Bible and our personalities and desires, this works.

I am a submissive. I am also highly educated and very successful in my career. I am opinionated and vocal with our families and friends. Heck, I am opinionated and vocal with him. :) Being a submissive does not keep me from being a successful, educated, well-paid woman. It doesn't keep me from fighting with my Dom about the normal married-people issues like in-laws and money. It just means this is the choice I have made. My feminist choice. My submissive choice.

To read more about how feminism and submission go together in BDSM relationships, see Nan's article, A Feminist Submissive?