8/10/2011

But... I'm a Control Freak!



My husband dominates me. He punishes me. He takes control of my emotions when I get too mouthy or disrespectful.

Last night, we were having a "correct my attitude" punishment session which I was not enjoying. None of my techniques to avoid punishment were working, and I was getting it. No, it wasn't sexy! Okay, it was a little sexy, but it hurt, and I was tired, and it was not fun!

Every time he got me close to that dreaded edge... remorse... openness... vulnerability... surrender...

I realized what was happening, flipped out, and tried to pull away. Only I couldn't go very far. Because he was holding me in place via a very, err, awkward place on my anatomy.

"Who is in control?" he asked.

The correct answer was You. But what I felt was, Mostly you.

I'm aware this was only in my head. He had hold of my body, was causing me pain, and was 100% in the right both biblically and by what we'd agreed to. But some little part of me did not want to give in. So while most of me was truly apologetic, that stubborn little wench inside of me crossed her arms and stamped her foot and said No! I did not want to give up control, you see. I was afraid of total surrender.

Punishment can make me surrender, you see. So can sub space. Once I go into that mode, I stop feeling "angry, wronged, mouthy, and mean" and start feeling downright ashamed of myself. I'll fight fight fight my punishment, listing a dozen different reasons I'm not wrong or he shouldn't punish me, and then I'll just start to lose the wind in my sails. The anger will slowly ebb out of me. I'll get kind of sad and mopey. My body will start to relax. Eventually, I'll relax completely, going limp, and with one final sigh I will turn toward him, bare my body to him for punishment, and say in a small, resigned voice, "Okay." (By this, I mean, "Okay, you're right; I accept my punishment and open myself to whatever punishment you decide to give me. You are my head.")

Yesterday I was having trouble getting to that place and staying there. He was right and I was wrong. I accepted what he gave me. But I still wanted to struggle a little bit. I didn't want to be pushed over that final edge into total surrender.

Because I am a control freak.


He knows this about me. He loves me anyway.


He kept punishing me. I accepted it... mostly. I apologized sincerely. But this tiny 1% of me was still feeling quite put out about the whole punishment thing. It kept showing through my tone of voice and when I would pull away and sulk. So he kept pulling me back and starting again.

"Why aren't you giving in to me?" he asked. "You're mine anyway."

Am not!!! tiny 1% of me shouted. "Because," the other 99% of me responded, "I'm a control freak. I'm a control freak!"


I want him to be in control. I long for it. But when the moment comes, I get a little panicky. Suddenly, I want to be in control of my emotions! I want to be in control of my body! You can't have them! Well, okay, you can have most of them, but leave me just a little bit, okay? OKAY????

Not okay.

He has just started powering through. I call this Operation Take Submission.

Eventually, we both know I am going to give in and start giving it more. (At least, I hope so! That's what training is for, right?) Operation Take Submission will give way to Operation Give and Take.

How do you give up your control freak tendencies and surrender? What things does your Dom do to take submission? Doms and Masters, how do you power through when your sub won't fully submit?

5 comments:

Kitty said...

If Daddy ever gets mad/angry with how I'm behaving I'm filled with such remorse and guilt. It's like a switch is flipped and I instantly start being totally submissive. I freak out when he disapproves of my actions.

I need his approval like I need to breathe!

Kitty

sub and Queen said...

hahahahahahahahaha...

household of two control freaks here!

I so wish I could answer this question... but this ISSUE is the whole reason I am here - back in blogworld... trying to gain perspective from other women's situations/struggles/hopefully triumphs.

At this point, I can only empathize with you and offer the same hope I give myself... The Lord says I should, so eventually, I should be able to, right??

Lea said...

This really resonated with me. I think I have a similar problem with holding back. Not giving everything and surrendering it all. Even though logically I know I should, I want to... I just can't. I feel like I have to have something that is just me. I have to retain a bit of myself, so I keep a bit of it inside.

Wish I had some tips for you, but for me, I'm just trying to give more. We've not done too much in punishments yet; so we'll see what happens there.

RickStar said...

Good job Kinkster !! Kudos :)

MrJ said...

What seems to work in creating an attitude of increasing surrender, on the long run, is a dual approach. On the one hand, to make her train herself in things close to current limits, informing her that after, say, three months I will do things which she will be able to process much better if she takes exercising seriously enough. In parallel, I make her read on these issues, and write assignments that help me to fine tune. After that period, taking up these nov el things inn play, I reward surrender in several ways, including forcing her into situations I suspect will take her to subspace or allow her some real pleasure.