My Core: answers to journal prompt

My Core

 1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

 I'm a conquered submissive. I'm a Christian, a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, leader, helper, romantic, reader, artist, pessimist, worrier, doubter, fearer.

2. What makes you feel joy, pain, fear, excitement?

I feel joy when I hold my sleeping baby. When I sing or dance. When I hear beautiful music being sung by amazing singers live.

I feel pain when I feel alone, lonely, lost, misunderstood, and not listened to. I feel pain when people leave me, when I worry I'm not good enough or worthy or attractive or pretty or nice enough. I feel pain when my husband hurts me. I feel pain when friends and family do not put as much time and effort into me as I do into them.

 I feel fear when I think of my baby dying. I feel fear when I think of dying and becoming nothing. I feel fear when I imagine heights, airplanes, big dogs, the baby getting hurt, my husband liking someone else's company better than mine, my family not loving me as much as I love them, losing my job.

I feel excitement when I go shopping and imagine the "new me" that can emerge when I buy an accessory or clothes that are out of my normal box. I feel excitement at traveling to exotic new places. I feel excited about learning new things, like cooking, languages, fashion, grammar. I feel excited when I start a good book or have a whole day alone to spend with a book and my computer.

3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

The part of me that worries I am "too much" and no one will want/love all of me. When I am completely owned, conquered, submitted to someone who has put forth the effort and work and demonstrated the strength of mind, body, and will to obliviate me, I know I am wanted, loved, cherished. I know I will not be left by someone who has put in that much effort to have me. It heals me fears of being left or unwanted.

 4. What part of you is most challenged or repulsed?

I am most challenged by being submissive when I submit myself, rather than being conquered. Just hoping that this gift will be appreciated and seen as worth the work and effort, instead of knowing.

5. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?

Attention, love, praise, mentally stimulating conversations about mutual interests, growing together, a new hobby together--- they make my core thrive.

Being hurt by those who profess to love me, especially when they hurl insults at me and tear down who I am in my core, that makes me wither.

6. What do you do, if anything, to keep tabs on your core, so that you may be growing and evolving, but not changing or compromising it for someone? What internal measuring sticks do you utilize to keep your inner being in tact while submitting, and how do you communicate it to your dominant/master/etc. if you feel you are being compromised?

 I try to talk to him if I feel I am being compromised. I am always very open with him; what I like, don't like, want, desire, need, fear, am drawn by, attracted to, or both. I blog and read blogs and reflect to keep tabs on my core.

7. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?

 I do sometimes, when I feel my Dom is not fully conquering me, I withdraw. I know I will get hurt if he is not wanting to draw me out and pursue me. I get quiet, I share less with him, when he asks what I'm thinking I say "Nothing" or shrug it off, I try to pretend I do not want his dominance, I don't mention it and just wait to see what he will do instead of putting myself out there and asking for it.