6/08/2011

Being A Feminist's Daughter

Sometimes, in the middle of a scene, I'll lose subspace and come jolting back to reality.

This happened yesterday.

I hate it when that happens. I love subspace. I love the feeling of calm relaxation. I love feeling so close to my Dom. I enjoy feeling his strength and power and masculinity.

But then, suddenly, I am afraid of those feelings.

I've talked in a previous post about how I feel submission and feminism can go hand-in-hand. But that doesn't mean it's always easy for me.

I used to be afraid of giving oral sex. But thanks to a very loving, patient husband, I am slowly learning to give head on my own terms. I am learning to enjoy it and see it as a symbol of submission. I can now kiss and adore this masculine part of him and feel grateful that he's letting me.

As I descended into subspace yesterday, I got more enthusiastic. I lost my inhibitions.

And then, I got embarrassed. I am still my mother's daughter, after all. What would she think if she knew I submitted to my husband? I could feel the judgment. Not from my mother. But from myself.

I paused from what I was doing. Shook my head to clear it. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and got a tiny frown. My forehead wrinkled up.

"What am I doing? I'm losing control. I must look ridiculous." Enter self-loathing.

My nice, dreamy subspace fled.

Of course, within a few minutes, he noticed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I sighed and laid my head against his thigh. "I lost it," I whined.

His hands reached for me. "It's okay, baby," he soothed. "We can get it back."

He knows that I struggle with this. That sometimes, I judge myself for what I think society and my family might think. That I struggle with letting go of total control.

Gently, firmly, with strong hands, he leads me back.

He takes the decision for me and decides this is what's best for us. He pushes me back into subspace, knowing that there I feel safer and happier and I can lean on him for support.

Sometimes he does it with punishment. Sometimes with a look. Sometimes with pain. Sometimes with pleasure. He is learning to play my mind and body like an instrument. He is getting better.

Someday, we will be experts at each other.

My mother is not in my marriage. She has no place in our bedroom.

Neither do my fears and insecurities. Slowly, he is showing them the door.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Feminism and submission... they write about that on SubGuide as well. They can be hard to meld according to the "vanilla" world, but it's possible.

Anonymous said...

Are you ever planning on coming "out" to your family?

Chris said...

Excellent post! Keeping them coming.

Neo Dom Tom said...

This is a really thought provoking post from a Dom's perspective. I need to make sure I am always conscious of the possibility that my little vixen will withdraw because of those kinds of thoughts. She seems pretty free of any such baggage for the most part, but it's good food for thought.

MrJ said...

I guess that
... to submit presupposes to really be someone;
... who is confident enough to master strong, self-conscious woman is a true Dominant.

NewSub said...

This was absolutely spot-on for me. I have only recently admitted to both myself and my Dom (husband of almost 14 years now) about my need to submit, in large part because the "feminist" me found this other side of me completely unpalatable. Having finally opened up I am finding your blog incredibly insightful and helpful. Thank you.

Sexperts said...

Sir J, that is absolutely true and SO inspiring. Beautiful thought.

NewSub, I'm so glad there are other people who feel that way, and also that you found some encouragement here! Thank goodness for the internet, is all I can say. :) Otherwise I'd feel totally alone; I don't know anyone in "real life" who submits, whether feminist or no.